What Should I Do

I went back to Seremban over the weekends to have Iftar with the family. I love it whenever I go back there during Ramadhan. Ayah would buy all sorts of food; interesting ones, appetizing ones and most of the time, too much (yes, sometimes Ibu would bicker about the amount spent on the foods and how later they would all be wasted), but these days I think Ayah has improved quite a lot. He still buys foods, but in moderation. It’s fun going to Pasar Ramadhan with him and I think Marsya knows that (she can twist her Atuk at her little finger.. easily. Nak buat camner? First grandchild).

Anyway, yes.. it was nice to go back. It felt comfortable. I guess, after being married for 6 years and having two kids, I just miss that ‘homey’ feeling. I’m not saying that my current home isn’t ‘homey’. It is, but once in a while, especially during Ramadhan, I just felt like wanting to be that young girl again. The girl whom Ayah picked up at the bus station on late Friday afternoons where later, that girl and Ayah would go to Pasar Ramadhan together and buy all sorts of foods and goodies, varieties of kuih-muih, yong tau foo, rojak Singapore, roti john, murtabak… [sigh].. the memories are just so comforting.

Last weekend was no different, except that now I have two kids with me.

Anyway, enough about these memories. Last night, I had a short conversation with Ibu. We were in the car heading towards Acik’s house after terawih. Acik wanted to see my kids (she missed them) and she had bought Raqib a Baju Melayu. A bit big for him (who am I kidding.. IT IS big for him), but I think he looks cute in it. She told me that she’s worried about my dearest Bie. She wanted him to get a proper job. She felt that the current political scenario these days are not conducive for anyone who wanted to start up a construction company especially if you don’t have anough capital or have the right contact. Besides, current contacts will ensure that they’re ‘full first’ before considering others. I kept quiet. I don’t know whether I should be defensive or agree with her. She further said that as a mother, she feels for me. She feels for the kids. She doesn’t want me to endure any hardship. It’s enough that things were difficult for the family when my brothers and I were little, so now she doesn’t want to see me encountering such difficulty.

I guess I was a little defensive last night. I told her that things are ok. And that Bie does help out. At least I don’t have to pay the monthly house instalments or pay the bills. Bie ensures that all those things are paid for. He does get money from some of the miscellanous things that he’s doing, except that he needs to save wherever necessary coz he will not be getting paid on a monthly basis. Ibu said she understands, but she is still worried. She wants me to consider a proper job for Bie. A job with a salary on a monthly basis.

I don’t how how to react to this. I want Bie to be successful at what he’s doing. He’s been on it for a year and a half now and I don’t want to see all efforts gone to waste. I guess luck is just not on his side yet. But I don’t know. I’m ok now with the whole idea. I am emotionally accepting it. But Ibu and perhaps also some other people i.e. my brothers, aunts, and/or uncles may not be keen to the idea anymore. I don’t know. But I know Ibu is worried. She wishes that Bie considers on getting a proper job. I don’t know what to think.

Before we got off from the car, Ibu told me not to be ‘kecik hati’ or feel disheartened. She’s saying it coz she loves me. She can’t bear to see me endure any hardship or difficulty. I completely understand that. I’m her daughter. What mother wants to see her child in problems? I told her that I’m ok with it, though inside I felt a little sad. Sad at… I don’t know what. I am not angry with Ibu. She has every right to say those things. But I don’t think I should be angry at Bie as well. He has his dreams and wishes to see those dreams being fulfilled. I guess now he knows that it’s not easy to start up something. It requires a lot of patience, persevarence and tolerance. I am really at a crossroad. I still want to support Bie to accomplish whatever he intends to do. But I don’t want to ignore Ibu’s advice totally. I think I’m still able to support Bie (financially and mentally… hopefully), but the question is, till when? Ayah hasn’t said anything. My brothers haven’t said anything. My parents-in-laws haven’t been saying anything (if they do, I don’t think they’d discuss it with me). No one has said anything to me except for Ibu. And I don’t think I should ignore that.

Yesterday, while in the car heading towards Rembau to buy foods for Iftar (I know.. a bit too far to buy our juadah berbuka puasa, but Ayah likes to take drives before Iftar, and that was how we ended up in Rembau), Bie told expressed his tiredness at what he’s doing. There seems to be nothing and he was just tired of it. He even thought of ‘burying’ GSSB (his company). I felt sad for him. I remember him being all eager when he first wanted to set up. He came up with a variety of names for his company, and even came up with his own logo, which I think is very nice. It’s like as if there are three persons holding up something (a ball or something); together. The three persons represent himself and his two partners. But now, Bie seems to be the only person holding up that ball. His two other partners have long gone.

I don’t what to do. What should I do? I really hope to get answers soon. I hope Allah will help me clear my head on this..

Cutting Queue

I can’t understand why some people do not have the decency to be more civic-minded these days. It’s just so irritating to find these people selfishly went ahead their business without thinking whether their actions are causing hardships to other people. Somehow I have very low tolerance for people like this. Is it so very hard to be civic? Didn’t their mothers teach them? Ok..that’s a bit harsh, and I shouldn’t say that. But it irritates me to see people becoming more selfish everyday.

Last Saturday, I went to Mid Valley. There were a lot of people there. I was with my kids, Bie and the maid. First we went to Metrojaya to buy Marsya her Raya shoes (I know it’s too soon, but the shoes were on sale), then to Jusco for Raqib’s pajamas (it’s cheaper there.. I am not the type that buys expensive pajamas for her children). After that, we did a bit of grocery shopping in Carrefour. There were just so many people there. Everyone doing their last minute shopping to stock up their fridges and kitchen cabinets with food in view of the Ramadhan. So of course there were long queues everywhere. And like any respectable human being, everyone queued up for their turns to pay for the items that they bought. And do note that each person has a trolley full of things, so the cashier did take quite a while to settle payment for each customer.

I was standing behind two ladies. I had a basket which I placed on the floor. Raqib was in the pushchair whereas Marsya was prancing up and down with a toy sword (which the Carrefour management has cleverly placed near the cash counters) and was persuading me to buy the sword for her. My maid was minding Raqib in the pushchair. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a rude man just walked over my basket, wanting to go to the other side. I had food in there. So I was mad. I uttered my dismay loudly asking the man to apologise. But he acted like as if he didn’t hear me and just walked away. I was mad. Hello…!! Can’t you be more apologetic? The nerve of that man. He didn’t have the decency and the moral to walk aside the basket like everybody else. So you can imagine how my blood was boiling at that time. But that is not the end of the story.

As I was still waiting in the line, and was about to pay, suddenly I saw a huge Middle Eastern man (one of those Pak Arabs) standing in front of me with a trolley full of things. I looked at him in shock. What the heck? My maid seeing my expression like that explained that she saw the man trying to cut the queue but didn’t know what to say. Here I was, juggling with my two kids (Bie went for prayers), both hungry while one of them was begging me to buy her the toy sword. And to make matters worse, I just had an idiot walked over my basket. Believe me, my anger hadn’t subsided yet. So, I did the only thing that an angry tired mother does.

Me: Excuse me (I tapped him on his shoulder). What do you think you’re doing? There’s a queue here and everyone is queuing up.

Him: I was here first.

Me: No, no.. I was here. Right behind those two ladies. You have to queue just like everyone else.

Him: I was here. You don’t believe me, you ask my friend over there. I had him standing here for me.

Me: What??!! I didn’t see any friend.

Him: He’s just over there (pointing to a friend who had just paid and was busy putting his platic bags in the trolley). He stood for me just now.

Me: I didn’t see your friend. He was not here. I was behind the two ladies.

Him: He was here.

Me: Was your friend holding anything? A basket? Pushing a trolley? I don’t think so. Because I didn’t see any.

Him: I’m not sure, but he was standing here for me.

At this time, even the cashier asked him to queue up like everyone else.

Me: Oh come on. Look at you. You have so many things in your trolley. And I only have a basket. (Oh my God..!! This man is unbelievable. I was feeling very, very mad and I think he saw that. I shook my head, clenched my fist and was about to burst when suddenly…)

Him: Ok, look. Why don’t you go first before me, yeah?

Me: Hhmm… Ok (and immediately carried my basket and placed in on top of the counter. At that time, I was quite embarrassed coz I had apparently created quite a spectacle).

As I walked passed him, Raqib pushed his trolley to the side. Well, with his baby hands, the trolley didn’t even move. But the man, I guess wanting to make amends said,

Him: Even your son is angry with me.

Me: Yeah well.. sorry for that (at that time, I had mellowed down a bit. After all, I got to pay first and not him). I was quite angry so it’s only natural that he follows me too. But yeah, sorry for that (the tone of my voice had gone down at this point in time).

I quickly paid for my things and walked away. My dearest Bie only caught the whole thing at the end. But I told him what happened.

And believe me, that was not all, but because I didn’t hear it but it was Bie, I didn’t have the opportunity to reply to those strangers’ remarks. Well, whenever we go out to shopping complexes like that, I will put a leash on Marsya. A nice leash that looks like a soft toy cow is hugging her from behind. So while I was dragging Marsya to McDonalds, apparently many people just had to make remarks at how I was ‘treating’ my daughter. Some looked at it approvingly, some expressed shock, and one just had to say that I was treating her like a dog. When Bie told me that (we were already seated at that time), I was mad. I just told off a huge Pak Arab, so if I had known who had said that, I would tell her off as well.

Bie said that the person who said that looked like she wasn’t married yet. So of course she wouldn’t know the significance of the leash. I was like, “So? Does that give her the right to comment on my child like that?” .. yeah, I was actually mad. But of course, I tried to rationalize it. Those people who make remarks like that probably do not have kids and find it odd that I would actually put my daughter on a leash. And of course, they haven’t traveled enough so do not know that the leash is one of the mechanisms to ensure that your child does not wander off and get lost. Surprisingly, I don’t get many reactions like that if I was in One Utama. I think it’s the crowd. Oh well.. I was prepared to forgive her for that remark and try not to make it personally. But still I couldn’t help but feel angry to whomever that lady was that said that about my daughter.

But the point is, where has all the civic-minded people gone too? Don’t get me started about motorists. It’s just so sad to see many kiasu and selfish people on the roads these days. And I don’t think I want to touch on that.

Funny how it is these days.

Happy Ramadhan Everyone

First and foremost, I would like to wish all my Moslem friends a Happy Ramadhan. I hope that we all get to fast for a complete month this year, which I know may seem a bit impossible for some, especially my girlfriends. But no worries, let’s just give it our best shot ok.

As usual, I am supposed to be doing work, but since today is the first day of the fasting month (I meant at work) I thought, why not just take a rest for a while. If one considers about the work, it is never-ending. So I think it’s ok to take a breather for a while.

The reunion with some of my school friends two Saturdays ago was fantastic. I didn’t think I would enjoy it, but I was wrong. Yes at first I was nervous and all, but after a while, I was alright. In fact, I think I was among the noisy ones. Trust me. And of course, I was the one that ate a lot as well. These friends of mine were quite amazed at the amount of food I ate. Come to think of it, yes I did eat a lot. What can I say? I just enjoy my food.

I got to know a lot of things about them. Bear in mind that I haven’t seen some of these girls since I left school. One of them is a Maths teacher in MRSM Jelebu, the other is a property valuer, the other is an accountant who is in-between jobs. Her last job was in Bermuda and in October, she’ll be moving to Amsterdam, working. Another friend is an engineer who is waiting for a job offer in Australia. Seriously, these women are really great. Of course, some of them have problems as well, and these problems were shared like as if we’ve just met each other last week. It’s just amazing when a group of friends who have not seen one another in a long time do not mind sharing these problems, just for the sake of sharing. So yeah, emotionally, we did connect. It was good.

Anyway, I really would like to thank Mas for sponsoring the reunion. I seriously would love to do it again. Hopefully we can meet during Raya, yeah?

Feeling A Little Disoriented

Yesterday, I had a little discussion with the boss. It was about my board paper. It was the third draft and he hadn’t even looked at any of the previous drafts. And the comments from him… well, let’s just say that it made me mad. I know I shouldn’t be defensive. But I was. The efforts, the time, the various discussions I had with the project people (and the boss knew that), but he dismissed the proposal in its entirety (that’s me being very bitter about it.. actually it’s nothing like that at all – but he did give his comments). I’m ok with people giving comments. I mean, that’s how one should improve herself anyway. But I think it’s the way that the comment is given. It left me feeling a little upset. No.. not upset.. MAD to be exact. But I will not let that ruin my day. Today I intend to be positive about everything. First things first; my table needs to be cleaned and cleared off all thrash and unwanted items. I have to admit that I am sometimes embarrassed when it comes to orderliness (is there such a word) and cleanliness because my table looks like as if it got hit by twister non-stop. So yes, I’m going to clear my table in a bit. At least it’ll give me a sense of order and non-chaos.

Secondly.. I lost my phone. Literally lost my phone. I think my son threw it off the balcony. I looked everywhere for it, but I couldn’t find it. Underneath the sofa, in between the divider and the shelf, underneath the TV shelf, in between the dirty clothes in the basket (just in case he left it there.. who knows), inside my drawers, inside the potty, etc.. etc. But it was nowhere to be found. I had a feeling he threw it because the day before, he just had this inclination to throw almost anything down there. The no longer functioning handphone, the water bottle, his sister’s colouring pencils, his sister’s blocks (making the sister scream madly).. in fact, almost anything. I think he just finds pleasure in doing so. And I think, he threw my phone down too. Of course I couldn’t be mad at him. He’s only 14 months or so. What does he knows? So because of that, I just have to be more careful next time. And put my phone in higher places. Places where he couldn’t reach (even if it means him climbing on tables and chairs – yes.. have I mentioned that he’s a good climber?). So now, I have got to get a new phone. And that means spending about RM500 for a phone (I’m a simple girl. As long as I can receive and make calls, send text messages and use the alarm, I’m ok with any phone). Of course it has to be sturdy coz Raqib likes to shake the phone about and throw it to the floor whenever he feels like it.

Thirdly, I have a reunion with some school friends this Saturday and I haven’t even got her a gift yet. Some of the girls didn’t want to get her a gift because I think they misunderstood the part ‘tak nak menyusahkan’. But, as a friend, I think I still have to get this other friend a gift, a token of appreciation if you must say because she’s the one who is sponsoring the affair. It’s not cheap. About RM40 per person at Royale Bintang in Seremban. And we’re not talking about five of six persons. There’ll be about twenty of us. So yes, we MUST get her something. The only thing is, WHAT?? I’m thinking to get her a ready-made baju kurung. Perhaps a chiffon batik. But it’s quite expensive. About RM400 a piece. Hhmm… what should I get her? By the way, this friend of mine lives in the UK. She works there and all over. She married a mat Salleh and has a very cute little girl, slightly older than my Marsya. And since Raya is coming up, I think a baju kurung would be really nice.

Fourthly and finally for now, Ramadhan is coming up and I haven’t even replaced any of my Puasa. Bad isn’t it? I haven’t been very strict in replacing my Puasa lah this year. I have 21 days to replace, and this was during the morning sickness when I was pregnant with Raqib. Last year, my Puasa was full. I don’t think I have time to replace them… [sigh]…

Anyway, I’ve got some pictures to put up, but I haven’t got them here with me yet. Will do that soon.

Min’s Getting Married

A very close friend of mine is getting married this Friday. I have known her for almost ten years now and the best thing is that, I am still friends with her. And very close too.

I first laid eyes on her while I was in Newcastle. I can’t remember the first time I met her, but I think it was the MASSOC meeting to elect new committee members. She admitted that she didn’t like me when she first saw me (yes, she is very frank and I love her for that), but after she got to know me, and the rest of the Dilston girls, she couldn’t get enough of me. She would always come over to stay at my house (in my room and sleeping on MY bed, while I slept on the floor – talk about friendship). And when she herself moved to Dilston Road, I always came over to her house to hang out. We would sleep on her big bed, talked before going to sleep on things that had happened and things which may took place in the future.

There are just so many things about her that I will always remember and cherish.

The first time she told me she had a crush on somebody. I even had a role in this little story of hers. It was really, really funny. The merajuk, the running away from the house bit (my dearest Bie had to run after her, but she kept on walking and walking, even crossing the road without looking either side.. it’s funny when I think about it).

The time when she went on a diet. I can never forget her ‘cekodok rebus’. I can’t imagine how she could eat that thing. She didn’t want to eat fried ones coz the oil was just too much. So she boiled it instead and ate that. Don’t ask me how she did it, but she did. We could only stare at her in disbelief. She only had tuna sandwiches and cereals whenever she felt hungry. Her strong resistance towards food was unbelievable. She would membebel whenever I cook (I always cook if I was at her place. I don’t know why. I was hungry and there was nothing to eat. So I cooked) because she would want to eat also. But if I don’t cook, she would be coaxing me into cooking for her. Talk about conflict.

The time when she had issues and asked for my help.. there were several. I didn’t mind. In fact, I tried to help in any way I could. It just made us closer.

Her boyfriend issues. One particular boyfriend will always be remembered. Not just by me alone, but also the rest of the Gurls. I will always remember that night. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t get the image out of my head. I remembered talking to him. He was in the driver’s seat, whereas I was outside. Min was sitting next to him in the car, telling him to cool off and just drive off. I guess I also had a ‘big’ mouth back then (or do I still have it? Heheheheee) which ignited his anger. I couldn’t help it. There was also this ‘tambi’ boyfriend of hers whom I will never forget in my whole entire life. What he did to her was very wrong, and I will always despise him for that. I don’t naturally wish bad things for people, but for him, I sort of am prepared to make an exception. But all these things only made Min stronger. And I respect her for that.

I also remember the first time I saw her wearing a tudung. We were supposed to break fast at Kelantan Delights in KLCC. The minute I saw her on the escalator, I screamed my head off. I’m like that. My immediate reaction when I see something new, or something that excites me is priceless. So they say. Hehehehe..

Her antics are funny. The best part is that, she is oblivious of it and would not know that we were actually laughing at her until we had to tell her. Talk about being clueless. But that is Min. But never talk to her if she’s hungry or not having enough of sleep. She will bite your head there and then. Free2 jer kena. Hehehehe.. But it will only be for a while. She doesn’t keep grudges.

There are just so many memories of her. Good times, the not-so-good times. I love her to the max. She is like a sister I never had. In fact, the Gurls are all like the sisters I never have.

Congratulations, Min. Have a wonderful wedding, and a happy marriage. May you be blessed with many children and live happily ever after with your husband to be..

Clarity of the Mind

It’s been awhile since I uploaded any story on the blog. I have to admit that I haven’t been feeling very good for the last two months or so. I was depressed, sad, frustrated with a lot of things, and was always in the gloomy mood. Things haven’t been rosy for me.

There were arguments with my dearest Bie that opened up a lot of things which I didn’t know actually existed in me. I guess that was the maximum that I could take. I had been bottling up the depression, the sadness and the frustration for a year and a half, and I suppose I was just waiting to break down. I didn’t want to. I thought I was strong and could resist any hardship or tidal wave that came my way. But I guess I was wrong. I wasn’t as strong as I projected myself to be. I’d like to believe that, but I’m not. I guess you can’t be strong forever. There are times that even the strongest of them all will break down. During these times, faith, patience and love play very important roles.

And work wasn’t helping also. Remember the so-called salary adjustment? Need I say more?

The short holiday with the family to Terengganu helped a little. I was so looking forward to it. All of us went there. My brother and his wife, my kids and my dearest Bie, my parents and my two younger brothers. We went to Sutra Beach Resort, a little resort located in the Merang area in Terengganu. I was irritated because the distance was far. It was on the way to Kota Bharu for goodness sake. And it took us about eight hours to reach there (we stopped a couple of times, coz one needs to use the bathroom for emergency purposes.. hehehe) and got lost in Kuala Terengganu (I was surprised that there is a Mydin Mall there.. impressive indeed). So when we finally reached Sutra Beach Resort, my kids were cranky. Heck, I myself was cranky. I couldn’t wait to lie on the bed and rest.

The place was relaxing. Our rooms were on the second floor, facing the sea. I love the sea. It was calm, clear and beautiful. Marsya as usual couldn’t wait to get into the pool. We had to tell her nicely that we’d go swimming the next morning.

After we unpacked, we went out to look for food. And surprisingly, there were not many shops. The one shop that we stopped at only sold roti canai. So, we went back to the resort and had our dinner there (food not so nice though.. or maybe coz I was just so tired). After dinner, we went to our rooms and slept soundly.

The next morning, I woke up naturally. No alarm clock. I wanted to see the sunrise. The minute I woke up, Raqib got up. I guess he couldn’t feel my warm body next to his. So I took him to the balcony, and sat there waiting for the sun to come out. It was beautiful. The sky was red and orange in colour. The horizon at first looked very dark but suddenly lit up, looking very light in the distance. It was breathtaking. And the best part was that, Ayah was also sitting down at his balcony which was just next door looking out into the sea, and my brother Angah, was also on his balcony (which was on my right; Ayah’s was on my left) savouring the morning sun. We waited until the sun was up, then we got ready for breakfast.

I didn’t bathe. In fact, all my family (me, Bie and kids) didn’t bathe, except for Raqib who had already pooh-poohed that morning. Food was ok. The roti canai was nice. It was funny to see the lounge singer (he sang at night) cooking roti canai during the day. But he has a really good voice, and seemed like a talented musician.

After breakfast, everyone got into the pool. Bie, myself, Marsya, Raqib (yeah he did.. and he enjoyed it tremendously), Angah and Acik. It was fun swimming with the family. After spending an hour in the pool, we went back to our rooms. My kids by then were already asleep. Ayah, Bie and Acik went out to look for lunch. We all ate in our parents’ room (we couldn’t believe at how cheap the foods were), on the balcony. It was warm outside. The wind was blowing nicely and it was very relaxing.

That evening, we went to Kuala Terengganu coz my parents wanted to send Acik off. Acik had to register the next day at his college in Melaka for a new semester.

The next day, after breakfast and a few laps in the pool (yeah.. Marsya wanted to swim.. again), we packed our things, ready to go home. We stopped at Kuala Terengganu coz Ibu wanted to go to Pasar Payang. After that, we went to buy some keropok in Losong. At about 4.00pm, we headed back south to Kuala Lumpur, making a stop at Bentong for dinner at Angah’s in-laws’ place.

And that marked the end of the holiday in Terengganu. I had wanted to extend another day, but I had training on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ayah too got called from the university. He was to start his lecture the same Monday. Oh well. But I slept in and came late for the training. I was tired and sleepy.

The training was called Fourth Wave Competency Intelligence Development. It was the first module from a set of four. I went to the training completely unaware of the sort of impact it would have on me. Little did I know, the training was going to affect me... more than I ever thought it could.

The training opened my eyes to a lot of things. It gave me the clarity of the mind that I have been looking for. I perceive things in a completely different manner compared to before. I began to discover the cause of my depression and frustration. The answer was there all along, and the training actually got it out of my system. For the first time in a long time, I began to see things clearly. I understood the root of the problem. I understood why I acted the way I did. It was hard to believe that just a couple of days ago, I was this bitter lady, full of resentment and frustration and always perceiving everything negatively. If only I could describe the way that I feel after I attended the training. I felt like someone just pulled me out from a very deep hole and for the first time in a long time, I could breathe fresh air. It was a wonderful feeling. I felt strong. I felt positive energy radiate from my inner self, reflecting shiningly on my soul and body. I just felt like a whole new person, and it is a wonderful feeling.

I am thankful that the training came in just at the right moment. Allah does works in mysterious ways. I see things positively now. I am also happier. Gone are the clouds of depression. It really helped me in my relationship with my dearest Bie. I understand him now. I understand his aspirations, his desires and his visions. I thought I was already giving him a lot of support, but in truth, I didn’t. Yes, financially I gave him all the support that he needed, but emotionally… I just wasn’t there. I haven’t been giving him the emotional support that he needed. He had pointed it out to me at one time.. quite some time ago, but I refused to accept what he said. I mean, I had been supporting him. Couldn’t he see that? How ungrateful of him for saying that I haven’t been supporting him. And my God, how wrong I was. Allah has certainly opened my eyes to the truth, and I can’t thank Him enough.

So now I am very positive. I am learning to emotionally support my dearest Bie. I love him too much not to support him. And I can’t believe how my perception of things have changed over the three days of training that I attended. It’s all just so wonderful.

I learnt that if you put your mind to it, it will come true. You’d be impressed at the power of our minds and how it can create changes for us. So, my next action is to plan for that New Zealand holiday. My dearest Pah has already encouraged me to start an action plan on this holiday to New Zealand. The hotel that I’ll be staying at, the places that I will go to. I believe that we will go to New Zealand and visit the Lord of the Ring site very soon. So I better start working on that.

So today, I am a much better person. I am positive and I look forward to positive developments in the future. Let’s hope that I’ll not be uploading anymore depressing stories in the near future.

Family

An ideal young family at this point in time includes a mother, a father, a daughter and a son. And I have to admit that I have the ideal family, at this point in time. But that does not stop me from wanting to have more. In fact, I want two more children, hopefully another boy and another girl. And I think, that would be sufficient for me. I’d love to have more, but giving birth is a frightening and painful experience, and I don’t think I’d like to face a fifth birthing experience, unless of course God still wants to bestow me with more children. But of course now is not the time. Raqib is still breastfeeding and I don’t want to break him from that privilege.

My daughter Marsya is a very chatty young girl. I am potty-training her as we speak. We even bought that toilet seat thingy so that she could feel comfortable poo-pooing in the toilet, but alas, she refuses to utilize the toilet seat thingy. Doing the small thing is not much of an issue, but doing the big thing, she would always insist on wearing the diaper. And she would refuse to poo-poo UNLESS she is wearing a diaper. Oh well, it’s a start I suppose. Luckily the maid is around to help her whenever she has to go to the toilet.

My son Raqib is quite a handful these days. He is very lasak. He is now 13 months. But, he still can’t walk yet. He can stand up, balancing on his two little feet, but whenever he has to take a step, he would always shy away from it and refuses to walk on his own. But oh my God, he is a magnificent climber. He can climb just almost anything if given the chance. The stairs at my in-laws’ have already been conquered, and the sofa at the house is peanuts for him. And he also knows how to be jealous. Whenever he sees Marsya with me, he would crawl quickly towards me and climb up me, pushing his sister away in the process. And I would have two small children crying for my attention, both also sitting on my lap. Tiring? Yes.. very. But the minute he smiles me showing his two small teeth at the bottom, the tiredness somehow disappears. Well, temporarily at least.

Elizabeth Stone once said and I quote, “Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body”.

My dearest Bie is a sore eyesight these days. He looks older (I have no complain there. I have always wanted him to look older than me, NOT my age). I suppose it’s all the ‘running around’. And the stressful days he’s been having. And the stress at knowing that some of the proposals he’s proposing were hijacked by certain unscrupulous individuals. Listening to his stories make me so mad. I just can’t stand how some people can be very unethical. Well, he is in my prayers forever.

George Santayana (The Life of Reason) said, “The family is one of nature's masterpieces”, and I agree with him. I don’t think I can live without my hubby and children by my side. Thank you…

New Haircut

Coz I have been feeling a bit lousy these days, the first thing I did before I got back last night was to get a haircut. So while waiting for my dearest Bie to fetch me, I made my way downstairs to the usual hair salon. The one that I usually frequented was already closed. Shucks.. I really need a haircut. So I went to the Japanese hair salon. People don’t usually go there coz it’s a little expensive. But I didn’t care. I just want them to chop off my hair. So I went in and was immediately ushered to the chair. Then the shampoo girl brought me a few magazines to read. I saw Cleo and a few others. So I resorted to reading Cleo.

About five minutes of waiting, the stylist came to see me. He had blonde spiky hair and a pair of ear studs on both ears. He pulled up a stool and sat behind me.

Him : So how do you want to cut it?

Me : I don’t know. I’m not really sure how I want to cut it. What do you think?

Him : Do you still want it to be long?

Me : Hhmm.. not really. I want it short. In fact, I want it to be Posh Spice short.

Him : Huh? Who?

Me : Posh Spice lar.. Victoria Beckham short.

Him : Oohh.. That’s really short. Bob style?

Me : I suppose. But I do not want you to touch the hair at the front. Leave that long. But the back, yes. Please cut it short. I don’t mind.

Him : So you want it short, huh?

Me : Yupp. Just cut it short.

Him : Ok. Not many people want their hair to be short.

Me : Well, I want my hair to be short. So just cut it.

Him : You’re Malay right?

Me : Yes.. why?

Him : No, it’s because your hair’s very straight. Is this natural straight?

Me : Yupp. Natural. I don’t go for rebonding technique or anything.

Him : Then you’re lucky. Straight hair is good for experimenting haircuts.

Me : Then go ahead and do your stuff. My hair is in your hands.

And that’s how I cut my hair. Short.

My homies were excited when I told them that I had my hair cut. Both were also not keen at the idea that my hair was about to be chopped off. So they immediately wanted to see me. And they did. And they liked it.

I got home. No one seemed to realize that my hair is shorter but suddenly, my daughter, Marsya looked at me closely. She smiled and…

Marsya : Umi gunting rambut

Me : Mana ada.

Marsya : Iyer. Rambut Umi dah pendek.

Me : No. Mana ada Umi gunting rambut.

Marsya : Nie dah pendek. Kenapa Umi gunting rambut (while touching my hair)

Me : Sajer jer. Cantik tak?

Marsya : Cantik. Kak Long pun nak gunting rambut. Rambut Kak Long dah panjang (and I beamed at her proudly. She noticed that my hair was different)

Somehow I see Marsya being me each day. Just the other day, she asked me to buy her slippers which looked like mine. Mine was a high-heel golden sandal. And she seemed to like it. And she asked me to get her a pair. She even saved up RM1.00 (courtesy of her Atok i.e. my Ayah) just so that she can buy the slipper. Talk about like mother like daughter.

Anyway, so there.. my hair is shorter, but I feel GREAT. And I think I look good too (no one else would compliment me, so might as well I compliment myself).

Here’s to a great week ahead.

Feeling Slightly Better

I didn’t know I have such an impact on people. I thought I was insignificant. Well, not that insignificant, but I thought, if I was feeling down, people wouldn’t notice it. But I was wrong. And I didn’t expect that people would actually be concerned.

Yesterday was the beginning of the uplifting spirit. I guess seeing my daughter for the first time in a week was really a refresher. I didn’t know that I could really miss her so much. When I walked through the door, and I saw her lying in front of the TV, and she looked up and saw that it was me who just entered, the greeting that I got from her was priceless. Her face was so happy to see me. She immediately got up and ran to hug me, smiling from ear to ear. I hugged her. Long. I kissed her cheeks, her eyes, and smelt her hair. And I didn’t let her go for quite a while. It was good. And listening to her stories on what she had been doing was very entertaining. I pray to Allah for a healthy long life so that I can see her grow up into a wonderful woman.

So yeah, Marsya’s impact was one of the things which made me feel better. And I think my dearest Bie even noticed that.

Then, a dear friend, sent a short email asking what was wrong with me, and why was it that I wasn’t as ‘ceria’ or happy as always. He was concerned because he had never seen me feeling down before. He even wanted to lend his ears to me should I want to talk. I thanked him and told him that I was fine, and that I will definitely consider him should I need to talk or anything.

And later during the day, I received a Season’s greeting card which read something like this:

“Too late for a New Year greeting… sorry we don’t have a proper CD casing.. just recycle what we have J. Enclosed is the CD / IB Blueprint which you’ve requested. Cheers, Steven”.

The funny bit was that Steven drew a ‘mudah pecah’ i.e. fragile symbol which shows a broken wine glass on the envelope. That really made me smile. The people sitting near my table was curious, wanting to know what it was that I had received. Thanks, Steven.

And on top of that, Bie took me to the movies. It had been ages since I went to the movies, the last being The Jumper. We went to see Iron Man. Yeah, I know that Iron Man has been out for ages. But for people like me who do not have the luxury to watch a new movie every time it came out (kids, logistics, etc), I looked forward to see the movie. Hhmm.. I remember the time when I never missed any new movie that came out. I didn’t have any kid at that time. I went to see ALL new movies that were released. I even watched Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Ghem AT the movies. Hehehehe..

But I like Iron Man. I like it that Robert Downey Jr played Tony Starks. He put humour in his character which was SO him. How do I know this? Because I have seen his other comedy movies, and I think he is very talented. I used to think he’s a handsome guy (though he’s short.. handsome guys are always short. Look at Tom Cruise. I guess you can’t have everything). And he beefed up his body too for the role. He had a very nice body in that movie.

And I also had a talk with my immediate supervisor this morning. I nearly broke down and cry (it was long coming. I guess because I have been bottling up the depression in my chest for more than a week now so when anyone spoke on touchy subject, I would have tears at the brim of my eyes, but the tears never fell – I had to control them coz I didn’t want to him to see me crying) or so when we talked about my salary adjustment which was actually quite little, and he was upset that the HR did not say or notify him on the matter since he was the one who recommended me for the salary adjustment. He even asked me whether I was going to accept that job offer. I told him I don’t know. But it was good that we had that talk. It made me feel better coz I was really feeling like crap last week.

So all these rolled into one made me slightly better this week, well starting from yesterday. And I hope to keep the momentum going. I really do.

Feeling So Down Today

I woke up this morning and felt upset. I don’t know why. For no apparent reason, I am depressed. In fact, I have been like this for the past few days and it’s worrying me. I nearly skipped lunch with the rest of my colleagues two days ago because I didn’t feel like eating with them. And we were actually celebrating a friend’s birthday. I didn’t feel like having fun, chit-chatting or talk to people even. I don’t know why I have been feeling this. I never feel this sort of feeling. Well, very rarely.

I guess it’s got to do with a lot of things. First and foremost, I guess it’s because I’m having my PMS. It’s the second time since I gave birth a year ago (oh my God.. that reminds me, I haven’t upload a story on my Raqib’s FIRST birthday!! What kind of a mother am I? I did a short story on Marsya, but not for Raqib.. I promise I’ll do a special one for him soon).

Then I suppose is because I am missing Marsya so much. She’s in Taiping at the moment with Maksu. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would either be playing outside, or sleeping. So, I couldn’t really speak with her. I guess it made me irritated to learn that she enjoys herself when she is with Maksu and family, rather than when she’s with me. I’m supposed to be her mother. She’s supposed to enjoy spending time with me. But no, it seems like she enjoys spending her time with Maksu. I think it got to me. I can’t bring her to the funfair, nor can I bring her to picnics or waterfalls. Heck, I haven’t even been bringing her to the pool, and that pool is just a few steps away from my house. If you stand at the balcony, you can see the pool. I simply do not have the time (I know.. lousy excuse). Arrgghh..

Then of course it’s Bie. I know I have been saying this over and over again. But I am tired. I am tired of having to worry financially, or whether my money is able to cover several essential expenses. And whether I have enough to pay for certain leisures and pampering (I need a break. I am in desperate need of a break). I can’t rely on him. His money is to cover for the house and few bills. I can’t count him to pay the groceries, the kid’s expenses, tolls, petrol, etc, etc. Sometimes he pays for them. Then I get worried. Does he have any money? Will he be able to pay for the house next month? Now that he’s paying, does he already have money in his pockets or are they just a one-off kind of thing? He paid for that, but why is he claiming certain expenses from me; is he running out of money? You see, I’m just worried. I don’t know how long more I have to play this guessing game. Or ask him, “Do you have money?” or “Have you got enough money?” or “You sure you’ve got money?”. I don’t want to burden him with these questions coz I know that he’ll get mad at me. I know that he’s trying to tie a few deals, but there’s just no knowing when he’s going to get paid. And if he does get paid, I’m just not sure whether the pay is enough. Because sometimes I think he has the money, but he still asks me to pay for certain stuff, which clearly indicates that he’s not getting enough and still cannot provide for me and family, financially. I am tired of waiting for the big break. But I have to. I have to be brave for the kids, for my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, my aunts and my friends. I have to show them that I’m ok with this, and that I am supportive of Bie all the way. So I can’t complain to them. I can’t complain to anyone. I have to show them that I’m capable. I have to show them that whatever happens, my family can rely on me. I have the money. I don’t like charity. And I don’t like it when sometimes Ayah pays for certain things. If I have the money, I’ll definitely pay him back. And that’s what I have been doing so far. Even if I borrow for him, I always pay him back. Now I’m depressed.

Then it’s this stupid hike in petrol price. I don’t even want to go there. It makes me even mad.

I just hope that this feeling will go away soon. Tomorrow Marsya is coming home. I can’t wait to see her. I miss her so much.

Disappointed A Bit

I am disappointed at a lot of things today. It all began last night when suddenly the PM announced that there’d be an increase in the petrol price. The roads were badly congested yesterday after work. One was because it was raining, the other was because everyone was lining up their cars to the nearest petrol station to fill in their petrol tanks at the previous price i.e. RM1.92 per litre, because the new price is RM2.70 per litre. An increase of about 40 percent compared to the old price.

What I hate about this is because, an increase in petrol price will lead to an increase of MANY goods and services. And of course lead to an inflationary effect. I learnt this in Economics once and I had never expected to be actually applying all those theories I learnt into practice today. It’s all just so horrible. The PM isn’t affected by this. Nor are his ministers. They have petrol cards provided by their offices. So they can just fill in their tanks without having to worry how much they’re supposed to pay because.. it’s simply being paid for BY the government (using tax payers’ monies, I assume). They do not face the pressures of having to pay petrol.

Now everything is going to increase. Gas, food, even the curry puff you have for breakfast. It’s just annoying. And sad. Imagine me complaining about this. And imagine someone with lesser household income. Lagi kasihan, you know. Yes the PM said that he’ll put a curb on the food prices, but it’s easier said than done. He’s not the one who will actually monitor and check each shopping outlet to control the price of foods.

I know that the government can’t do much about this, as this relates to the world’s price, but deep down inside, I still feel that the government should have been more creative in trying to give back to the people. Find creative ways so that the people do not feel too burdened by this. I mean, they have their own think-tanks right. I’m sure they must be something that they can offer.

I am just so disappointed. And this morning, the stock market has gone down (a bit) and analysts are expecting inflation and rising interest rates. I still have some stocks to dispose. Should I be disposing them now? It makes me wonder why I hadn’t disposed them a lot sooner. Hhmm.. no rezeki.

And today, just before lunch today was my emcee audition. I was the only participant that prepared the third script aka the optional script. Others used the scripts furnished by the organizer. I guess I wanted to be different. I wanted to run away from the normal, boring stuff of emcee-ing annual dinner, or signing of MoUs. So, I did the first two mandatory scripts, and for the optional script, I emulated the MTV Asia Music Awards. I co-hosted the show with Jared Leto.

Unfortunately, Mrs Dee was not too keen on my presentation. She felt that I should be more corporate, or at least combine my passion shown as the presenter of the MTV Asia Music Awards with the two (boring) scripts given by them. So much of wanting to be creative. The other judges were okay. The members of the floor also liked my presentation. But I had wanted to impress Mrs Dee, the Director of the Group Corporate Communication. And I guess I could not quite make it. Oh well, it could just be me. Mrs Dee was only doing her job. I guess I was expecting too much from the judges. Hhmm.. mental note: You can’t impress EVERYONE.

So, combining with the effect of the rise in petrol price, and the comments by Mrs Dee, now I am feeling like s*#t… Being a bit over the top, aren’t I? Aarrgghhss… stupid increase in petrol price. Where were the promises to reduce petrol / oil price? I remember one of the opposition party’s manifests was to reduce the petrol price. Where are those promises now? Nowehere... they’re just a bunch of liars, like anyone else are during the before election-period. I hate that. Taking the people for a ride.

You know what? I have to stop here. I’m not very nice when I’m feeling like this. Till later, ok.

Can I Still Look Hot?

Marsya isn’t here this week. She followed Maksu back to Taiping. At first, I was reluctant to let her go. I mean, I’d not be able to see her for ONE WHOLE WEEK. I’d miss her terribly. But she kept telling Maksu that she wanted to balik kampong and see Tok Nyang (Maksu’s father-in-law), ducks and chickens. She wanted to ride on the bicycle. So my heart softened. I let her go. But last Friday, I had a bonding session with her. I took her to Sunway Pyramid to buy her new shoes. And yes, she is exactly like me when it comes to shoes. She LOVES them. Hehehehe.. she tried ALL the shoes she saw on the rack (her size) and even proceeded on trying a pair of boots. And when we got to the adult shoe store, she kept on throwing all sorts of shoes for me to try on. It was fun. I could see ourselves in the future giving tips on the sort of shoes we should buy. A long way to go still, but it’s nice to think about it. Insya-Allah…

Which boils down to the next question… do you think I’m HOT? Hehehehe.. lately I don’t know why, but I feel that I’m hot. Call me perasan, but though I have two kids, I feel that I can still make heads turn. Some of my friends like to drop names like, ‘Hot Mama’ and all, to me. Calling me like that actually boosted my confidence to a higher level. I don’t feel ugly. I don’t feel fat (though I know I’ve got stuff clinging to my legs and butts called ‘fat’) I just feel that I am still hot. Oh gosh, what am I saying..??

I love high heel shoes. I like skirts (I’m trying to reduce wearing them, but give me time. At least I don’t buy new skirts anymore) and I love looking good. I’m not saying that I look drop dead georgous in them (I know my limits; I’m no Maya Karin), but I do feel good. So yes the butt part has expanded a bit these days and so have the upper part (I have to be frank don’t I) but there are ways of dressing to cover those areas. And if you have them, just flaunt them. Hehehehe..

But I still cover where I think should be covered. I try not to wear tight-fitting clothes, and revealing or plunging necklines. After all, I do have my dearest Bie to think about. I am still his wife, and I have to respect him. And my duty to the One goes without saying. Nonetheless, I am lucky that he doesn’t force me to wear head scarves or tudung after we got married. Though his mother has been harping on it for quite a while, he has never practiced his authority to enforce me to wear the tudung. I am thankful for that, unlike other husbands I know.

I know it’s not good to look extra hot when you’re married with kids and all. It’s for fear of inviting unnecessary attention to yourself. But I guess if you know what matters most, then I’m sure you will not indulge in immoral activities, right. I mean, you have the children to think about. And of course your husband. Not to mention that it’s kind a sinful (I’m not perfect here, but if possible, we wouldn’t want to open many ‘holes’ coz it would just be too many to cover. Dah tak pakai tudung tu is one ‘hole’ already. So don’t create more ‘holes’. Do you know what I mean here?

I know of someone who’s reaching 40 in two years’ time but still is one very hot mama (she has FIVE kids by the way). She wears the tudung thought (light scarf) and wears really modern clothings. Long skirts with high-heeled boots. Platform shoes with flared pants; really good. And she is pretty as well. The not so nice one is that, we feel that the young man who has been accompanying her is not her husband and that he was (or is) her boyfriend. At first we felt like giving him the benefit of the doubt. But their lovey-dovey actions were just too much for us to bear. A friend even caught them hugging (it was a spur kind of moment thing and everybody was rejoicing happily). I felt bad. I wish she hadn’t done that. In fact, I wish she wasn’t that bold. But she was. They acted like they were a couple, in front of everyone.

Now, I pray to God that I will not be like that. I love Bie and my children too much. But I guess when you’re at that age, you just get bored especially if you’ve been married a long time and your marriage life seems to have lost its entire sparks. Kind a scary isn’t it. So when another man shows an interest in you, of course you like it. And you tend to participate in the illicit affair even when you know that you shouldn’t, because it’s all just exciting. God forbids..

However, I do love the idea of being a Hot Mama. And I do love being labeled as one. But I fear that later in life, without realizing it, I may go overboard. Scary isn’t it. Yes I can say that I’ll never do that to my family, but a few years down the road, you just never know. But for now, I am just going to enjoy being one Hot Mama..

Mondays As Usual

Lots of stuff to do. Agreements to be sorted out. Well, the calculation bit of the balance purchase price. It needs to tally with the debt amount, which needs to be broken down into smaller amounts because there’s this creditor we’re dealing with that does not want to seek its shareholders’ approval because there was no LOA given upfront to capture that particular debt amount. No document to support the debt. So it’s all such a big hassle and my head is tired of having to think how best to do this.

Then there’s this Board meeting end of this month. My paper is to be tabled to the Board, and I have yet to do the slides. I am so lazy at the moment because I am just too sleepy. So, I am just going to do a bit of blogging (I consider this as resting for a while) just so that I don’t fall to sleep.

Remember last Friday where I was supposed to go to karaoke at Red Box? Well, it didn’t happen. I had to stay back at work, with a couple of friends in conjunction with the Board paper. It was tiring. We stayed back until 12.05am, together with the boss as he wanted to see the Big Boss on the paper on Saturday morning (which I doubt happened because he seems to be rushing us on the paper with whatever amendments TODAY, this morning). But I’m just giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

And coz I had that wedding in Pilah on Saturday (my cousin got married), I had to go back to Seremban. My children were already in Seremban. Maksu brought them back with her earlier that day. Coz my dearest Bie was hungry, we stopped by at the KFC. So we finally reached Seremban at 1.30am. And get this, my baby wasn’t asleep yet. He wanted his you-know-what, and would not go to sleep unless he had it.

So without taking my contact lenses off, and changing my work clothes to something more comfortable, I put Raqib to sleep. He was excited to see me. And I have to admit, I loved seeing his face looking at me with high eagerness and love. The feeling was just wonderful. It made me forget my tiredness for a while.

I woke up at 5.00am. I opened my eyes and was surprised to see how clear my visions were. Has my eye-sight improved tremendously in within a few hours? Was it a miracle? But ooppss.. no. I forgot to take the lenses off. So I did. And went straight back to sleep.

Saturday was an exciting day coz we went to Pak Ngah’s house. Her daughter was getting married. She’s the youngest of all the three siblings. Her elder sister isn’t married yet. But I never asked whether she was given any gift, or trinkets in view that her younger sister got hitched first. It was too sensitive an issue to ask. And I respect that. But she seemed happy that her sister’s getting married. Who wouldn’t, right.

The next day, which was a Sunday, we went again to Pak Ngah’s house. Sunday was more like a reception event. The foods were nice. I particularly liked the fried chicken. And also the ‘gulai nenas’ masak cili api. In fact, I ate a lot last Sunday. Oh well, it’s not like as if I do it all the time.

And now today, back to work. I am so tired. So sleepy. And the fact that I need to rush for something makes me even more tired. I want to go back early today. A friend just sent me a text message saying that he wanted to meet me for dinner tonight. With another friend of ours. Adduuhh… malasnya. I want to go back. I am sleepy and tired. Help me. Luckily today is the beginning of the school holidays. So the roads aren’t too bad. I wish everyday, the roads are like this. Penatlah when it’s jammed and congested.

By the way, my maid has been quite helpful. There are still many things to be done at home because I still send her and the kids to Maksu’s house. But she takes care of the clothes department, and the kids department especially when they need a bathe or feeding, or cleaning up pooh-pooh. She has also been helping me in the kitchen (when we’re at my parents’ house. She hasn’t has the opportunity to cook at my house yet). I have only had her for two weeks. It’s too early to tell yet whether she’s ok. I just hope that she turns out alright

Not In The Mood

I don’t know why I feel so lousy this morning. In fact I think it started yesterday, at 5.30pm after work. And this morning, it just got worse. I am not my usual chirpy mood. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. My laughs seem forced. And I am even feigning interest on some of the things that my colleagues are telling me. This is bad. I hate feeling like this. It’s like one of those days where you were supposed to get your PMS, but since I had mine about 3 weeks ago, I don’t think this foul mood is contributed by that.

I am supposed to go back to Seremban tonight, but my homies want to go to Red Box for a sing-a-long session. They’ve been planning this since last two weeks, and I don’t think it’s fair to tell them that I don’t feel like going. Besides, singing my heart out could be the medicine to get rid of these foul moods. Anyway, Maksu is going back earlier, thus it wouldn’t be fair for her to look out for my baby when I am out there enjoying the karaoke session, as I know that I’ll be coming back late. So my dearest Bie is thinking of transferring Raqib and the maid to his parents’ house later in the afternoon (we’re not comfortable to allow the maid staying at the house alone just as yet). It’s a bit of a hassle, I have to admit. I hate having to bring Raqib and the maid from PJ to Setapak, and then later fetch them and go back to Seremban. It’s a lot easier from PJ as the route is nearer to Sungai Besi, allowing us to go back to Seremban easily. Such a hassle. Besides, I don’t like posing this hassle to Bie since he’ll be the one driving here and there.

We’re going back to Seremban because my cousin is getting married. I have already bought her a gift. I bought her a carpet. I love buying carpets as wedding presents. I don’t know why. It’s unique, and different from all those rice cookers, steam iron, electric kettle, pots and pans, dinner sets (plates and all) etc.

Anyway, that’s just one headache that leads to my lousy mood today. The other is work. Getting irritated emails in the morning when your mood is already like that, is SO NOT HELPING. I received an email from someone this morning who insisted that certain provisions be included in the agreement, when those provisions have actually been reflected in the agreement except that they were worded differently. And he went on and on about that thing, which to me is very insignificant. Oh God.. please stop it already. It’s just boiling mad irritating.

Today is supposed to be a let-down-hair day. It’s Friday. I love Fridays. But somehow today, I don’t particularly feel the Fridays’ vibe as usual. I hope I’ll be better after lunch.

By the way, I received news from a colleague here yesterday that a staff on the 20th floor saw a leg-less spectre in a yellow headscarf and outfit wondering around the ladies’ toilet at 7 to 8pm the day before. I was shocked and scared too, because on that same night, I was at the 19th floor, all alone, expressing milk for my dear Raqib in the small make-shift surau room. I was there from 6.50pm to 7.30pm. Imagine my horror when I learnt that there was a leg-less spectre wondering about at around that time BUT on the 20th floor. It is just plain scary. And that wasn’t the first incident. Apparently the staffs at the 20th floor including the MD, prayed together for Asar and got some ustaz to recite some prayers, hoping for the encounter with such specters no longer happen. It’s scary coz I always go back late. And I express my milk on the 19th floor while waiting for Maghrib prayers. Hhmm.. maybe I should re-schedule my timing. Or just get someone to accompany me. We’ll see.

Oohh gosh.. I am SO NOT in the mood. Help..!!

Sports Carnival

Last weekend was the futsal game. It was held at Sunway Sports Planet. The company booked the entire Sports Planet for the day. It was fun. When we got there, there were just so many people; mostly players, male and female, all wearing their colourful jerseys, getting warmed up to play. I had to admit that I was quite intimidated by their actions. The cooler female ones, looked like they were ready to kick our butts. While the male players looked relaxed and more at ease.

I didn’t play in the first half. I injured my foot during training so I couldn’t run as much. But I did play in the second half. I played defense. But I also had to cover my midfield team mates. We played zoning a.k.a positioning coz most of us had never kicked footballs in our whole entire life. The coach was my dearest Bie. Yeah, he coached us for free.

We didn’t win the first game. Nor did our opponent. It was a tie. I bet though that our opponent team didn’t expect a good game from us coz during a friendly match before the actual game, we lost quite bad to them. Well serves them right for being over-confident downright suckers… hehehehe. We did win the second game though; 2-1. It was good. We had never won before, so it felt good to win. Coz I only played in the second half, I cheered like mad in the first half, especially when our team scored. Too bad we didn’t score more. The thing with our team is that, we didn’t have the finishing. There were none of us good enough to be strikers. I mean, what do you expect. We had training for two solid weeks before the game. Note that none of us played futsal on a regular basis. Heck, I had never played futsal in my whole entire life. But we had good defense. And our goalkeeper was excellent. This was acknowledged even by our male team, and some of our other opponents.

However, I am proud to announce that we managed to secure a position in the second round. Unlike our male team. And we played against one of the best teams. We weren’t intimidated by them. I guess going into second round was huge enough for us. In fact, it was a bonus already. I have a feeling that the opponent team was more pressured though. They had three good players, steady like rocks they were. Well two of them at least. The other one was just a good striker. Too bad that we lost to them; 2-0. But I didn’t think it was that bad because during the friendly match before, they managed to score quite a number of goals.

So there. I had a great time during the game. It was good to see everyone at the game. Sports can really bring people together. Anyway, we’re planning to retain this team. In fact, we were supposed to play against the Jabatan Perancang KL last Tuesday, but because we were bogged down with work, we’re postponing it to next week.

Adios..!!

Got A Helper Now

I now have a helper at home. She’s from Indonesia. Married with two kids. She’s 27 years old. I have to admit that I am a little edgy about having a helper staying at the house. After all, my house isn’t big. But, I am coping with the idea. I got her since last Monday. Before that, she stayed with my parents for a few days. But since coming to the house, I haven’t been able to ask her to do much because I still send the kids to Maksu’s together with her. That gives time for Maksu to supervise her, and also allow her to bond with the kids. I don’t worry much about Marsya, but I do worry about Raqib. He doesn’t want to be held by her at all. So he has been crying since the past few days. Kesian dia. But I told Maksu to be strong and not to give in to his crying. I want him to familiarize himself with the maid.

So she’s been looking out for the kids. I haven’t asked her to do much at home. But yes she does clean the kitchen, fold my clothes and iron them. So far, she seems ok. But then, they all seem ok at the beginning. I just hope that I wouldn’t have to look for a replacement. I pray that she’s ok. It’s such a hassle having to look for another maid. I have four months to evaluate her anyway. So we’ll see.

Only time will tell.

Why Not

I had a meeting at the Group HQ’s office yesterday. So I wasn’t aware that the Group was looking to establish a pool of emcees to handle any of its events. Well, basically I wasn’t at my table, so I didn’t have the computer on, so I didn’t get the email from our Group Corporate Communication requesting for those who are interested to be emcees, to submit the forms to that department.

So when I finally came back to the office and switched my computer on, I immediately clicked on my email and there were several emails from my friends here asking me to give it a go, and that they’ll ‘afundi’ me and all. I was confused. Why was I receiving these sorts of emails? Why would they want to ‘afundi’ me? So I scrolled the email further down, and fancy my surprise when I read that the Group is looking for potential candidates to be emcees.

I was excited. But of course I was nervous too, at the same time. Our Group consists of MANY companies. So imagine how many employees the Group actually employs. A LOT…! And I am just one of the many employees who will be interested to try out this emcee thingy. The audition (yes, there’ll be auditions. They can’t just pick out anyone they want) will be held in the first week of June. And I guess the head of the audition team is Basariah (she’s Jamal Abdillah’s ex-wife. Yes, she’s our Director for Group Corporate Communication).

I have always wanted to make money by just being an emcee. But of course I need a break somewhere. So the idea of starting from this pool of emcees may just be the stepping stone for me to consider being a freelance emcee. And I’ll get paid for just talking. Hehehehe… I know. A bit too far to think about that. But it’s not impossible. Of course I have to be good. If I’m not, then what’s the point, right? Heck, I’m just going to be positive and consider myself as a good emcee, and that I’ll get through the audition and be one of the Group’s emcees. I don’t think we’ll get paid, IF we’re selected. The Group will consider this as a valuable experience (yeah right.. ).. but sorry, WE CAN’T PAY YOU. Oh well, at least it’s a start isn’t it.

So yes, I have submitted my form. Why not, right? So now, I will just sit down and wait. I will let you know if I’m chosen or not. Wish me luck..!!

By the way, my futsal game is this Sunday and I am a nervous wreck. I know that it’s all just for fun and everything, BUT I still am a little scared. We haven’t been winning any of the friendly game, so I don’t know how we’ll do this Sunday. Wish me luck for this too, ok :)

Getting Help Soon

These days I am just so tired. With the kids, work, and having to please various people. It’s just so tiring. I am still sending my kids off to PJ every morning and fetching them back later in the evenings to go back home. And what now with the futsal training, I reach home very late. And the kids, when they got home, if they’re asleep, then consider me lucky. But if their eyes are still wide awake, with no hint of sleepiness at all, then be prepared to sleep at 1.30am or at 2.00am. Though how much I try to force them to go to sleep, they just wouldn’t go to sleep, unless if it’s on their own. To me, if I am able to sleep at 12.00am, then that is already a blessing. I haven’t been sleeping earlier than that in a long time. How I wish I can go back to the days where I can sleep early with no interference from anyone or anything at all. Wishful thinking.

With my schedule like that, one can imagine how the house looks like. With toys all over the place. The sofa cushions all over the floor (Marsya likes to jump on them, or snuggle herself up among the pillows and cushions while watching TV), a mount-pile of dirty laundry. A mount-pile of washed clothes yet to be folded. The sticky floor, especially the kitchen area. And the bedrooms. I so wanted to clean the place up, and do whatever necessary, but I am so tired. So when I’m tired, of course I become lazy.

These days Bie have also become lazy. He used to be very rajin, and would sweep the floor and mop them. He would also clean the bathrooms without having been told. But gone are the days of his rajin-ness. These days, he would just lie in front of the TV or switch on the PC to play his championship manager game. He knows that the house is a mess, but he’s not doing anything about it. Yes he would arrange the cushions or the toys appropriately, and he basically looks out for Marsya, but other than that, he hasn’t been doing much. Blame it on fatigue and tiredness. But I don’t blame him. We’re both tired.

Having said that, I am getting a maid soon, to help me out with the kids and also help me around the house. She is already here, so I am going back to Seremban this weekend to check her out. Part of me is looking forward to this coz finally I have someone to help me round the house and take care of the kids, so I wouldn’t have to go to PJ anymore to send my kids to Maksu’s. But the other part of me is deeply worried. What if she turns out to be nasty? Could I bear leaving the kids into her care? Furthermore, is she a nice person? Can she help out around the house in an efficient manner? And, how’s it like having a stranger living in the same house? I guess I just have to get used to it. I don’t have a choice. I am now just so tired and I need an extra pair of hand to help me out. At this initial stage, I would probably still be sending the kids off to Maksu’s so that she can learn from Maksu how to take care of the kids (their feeding time, their food, etc). Later, I would park them at my in-laws’ house during the day, and fetch them after I got back from work. At least my in-laws can supervise her. Scary, but like I said, I don’t have a choice. This is one of the dilemmas of a working mother.

Wish me luck, ok.

Changes Are For The Better

It has been nearly two months now, and I must say, I am excited with these changes. Things are beginning to look positive. Everyone is happy. There is not a day that passes by, that whenever I call, she’s not there. These days, she would always be there to pick up my calls. Be it at the house, at the shops, or in the car. I am ecstatic with these changes. And I know for sure that I am not the only one.

It all happened two months ago. If it hadn’t been for that particular incident, I don’t think she would have noticed it. So I guess the incident was actually a blessing in disguise. The fact that someone else in the group stood up for her and took pity on her must have made her realized that things are not what it seems. That all those people were taking her for a ride, taking advantage of her kindness. Something that I have been tolerating for years up till the point that I couldn’t take it anymore that I felt like doing something out of the ordinary. Luckily I haven’t gone through with the extreme.

Allah is just so wonderful, so I guess our prayers have been answered. But I don’t want to be happy with it just as yet. I have to make sure that whatever that took place does not continue or happen again in the future. Things are very sensitive at the moment and I don’t want to jeopardize that. For a start, this is good. So I think I have to steer this into a more positive direction so that she is taken away, and as far as possible with those things which happened in the past. For a start, cut off all contacts with those people who I dislike. Then, indulge her with excessive love and remind her that whatever it is, we are there for her; mentally, physically and financially, if need be.

She is also undergoing several changes as well. Gone are the days where her concerns were only related to that thing. These days, her love and care are showered to everyone surrounding her. In other words, we come first before that whatever thing that she was involved with. Her attention span has expanded even bigger and I know fore sure that everyone loves her for that. Her relationship with a certain someone has also improved tremendously. And I myself couldn’t be happier. It’s just so wonderful.

But these changes are considered still at the very early stage. There’s no knowing if things may go back to square one, something which I hope will never happen. It is kind of scary even when just thinking about it. So I guess, we need to find ways to circumvent that. But for now, we’ll just enjoy this. It’s been a while, and I think everyone’s tired and deserve a break.

Let there be HOPE, Insya Allah…

Update

I haven’t been updating the blog for quite a while now. My intention to update once a week has somehow failed. Well, I can’t really blame myself (or should I?) coz things have been moving at a fast pace lately, and I am just enjoying the ride.

Last two weekends, I went to Johor for a conference. Three days and two nights. I stayed at Sofitel. It was a nice hotel. I liked it. Most of the participants were male. So you can imagine just how many males there were, old and young, at the conference. Some are nice, some are, hhmm.. how should I put this, EXTRA nice. Since this conference is considered as part of work, of course these married male participants felt like they were single throughout the 3-day conference, since their wives and kids weren’t around. And yes, I had few men trying to be up close and personal with me, inviting me for karaoke sessions, or just sitting next to me for dinner, or standing next to me during the refreshment breaks. I didn’t mind if they were young (being a bit choosy, aren’t we.. hehehe) but they were in their forties, with bald heads (well one of them) and looking at me from top to bottom with looks that made me want to puke in my mouth.

Since one of them happened to be one of the bosses here, of course he knew that I am married with kids. But man, the way he looked at me when I stepped down for dinner that night, gave me the creeps and these days, I am quite cautious of him. I don’t think I was overly dressed. I was wearing a sleeveless (not one of those tank tops, ok) that was like a turtleneck except that it has no sleeves (type of shirt you usually wear inside your jacket) and a shawl on my shoulder. The next day, I wore a black skirt and top, with a red scarf and a pair of boots (hehehe.. I know.. a pair of leather boots. I couldn’t help buying it. It was so cheap. 50 percent discount from the original price and it’s a Nine West). I don’t know if that sparked any interest. But I guess it did. Even a younger male participant (married though with four children) couldn’t help but stick around me for most of the time. But I could tolerate him. I guess it was the age factor that made me felt alright with it. At least I didn’t feel like puking.

But you know what? Despite the looks I got from them, and the ‘innocent’ invitations from them to hang out, I felt great. It boosted my confidence level knowing that I am still marketable. Hehehehe… bad isn’t it? But I couldn’t help it. I felt pretty and young, despite the fact that I have two kids. And of course I enjoyed the attention given. Who wouldn’t?

Bie and the kids did come down coz I couldn’t leave my baby behind. He is still breastfeeding. I told Bie about those men, and Bie (being his usual macho self) wasn’t angry a bit. In fact, he found it rather funny. He actually laughed. Funny isn’t it? But I had fun with the kids there during the night. The bed was huge so my kids had fun rolling themselves and jumping on top of the bed. The looks on their faces were priceless. Mental note: Must take them for a holiday.. and soon. Insya Allah.

Of course I had dinner with Bie. We went to Persada Johor coz my mom-in-law’s good friend; well her daughter that is, is working as a chef there. And we had briyani gam (which tasted better than the hotel food). And we also enjoyed the performance by the string quartet, which was imported all the way from Indonesia. All in all, it was good.

Now that’s on the conference. On the job offer; I am supposed to give a response soon right, and I was also expecting a bonus and an increment. But today, when I got the salary slip, I was disappointed to see that there was no increment and no bonus just as yet. I’m supposed to call that company up but my bonus isn’t in yet. So how can I compare and contrast?

Furthermore, a few days ago, my boss called me into his room. He asked me to update him some of my personal data. I was a little surprised. Why would he want that? I knew that I wasn’t due for any promotion (he made it clear earlier this year). And imagine my happiness when he told me that he was recommending me for a salary adjustment. Not much though, but considering that my responsibilities and job scope wouldn’t be affected, I welcome an increase in salary anytime, anywhere. So yes, I am waiting for that. Looks like I have to put hold the offer first until I see this so-called salary adjustment quantum, and of course my bonus payout.

Hhmm.. oh yes, we’re having a Group sports carnival soon. And guess what? I will be playing futsal for the company. The women’s team. At first I didn’t want to join because I just didn’t feel like it. I have never played futsal in my whole entire life, so I wasn’t about to start. But my homies were playing and they told me that they didn’t have any proper training. Unfortunately the guys’ team weren’t helping much in terms of coaching and training. And a colleague of mine (a guy) was constantly asking me to join the team. So I proposed to them to allow Bie to be the coach for the women’s team, and if Beckham is there, of course Posh too has to be there. Hehehehe.. so yeah, I am now officially a member of the team. We’ve only practiced twice, but I had fun on both occasions. Surprisingly, I could kick a ball or two. So after this, I think I’ll be watching Gol & Gincu.. for inspiration purposes. Hehehe..

That’s a lot up update isn’t it? The last update before I blog off; I am having a sleepover at Putrajaya tonight at Pah’s house. There’ll be about seven of us. At first we wanted to have a picnic, but in view of a possible rain, we thought we’d buy biryani rice (again) and eat it at Pah’s. It has always been fun hanging out with the Gurls. And I especially look forward to this particular gathering.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Got An Offer

I went to an interview a few weeks back at this business consultancy firm somewhere in Tower 2 at KLCC. I wasn’t really looking for a new job, but I felt like testing the market. After all, I have been here at this company of mine for nearly seven years now. I don’t want to be too complacent. I didn’t even send out a lot of CVs. In fact, all I did was click on Jobstreet, about eight of them I think, and therefore I was quite surprised when they called me for an interview. But I was happy. At least I’m still marketable.

I went to the interview with no expectations at all. After all, I have never heard of the firm before. Furthermore, I am currently employed at a GLC and no doubt the pay isn’t as exciting, but the recent revised benefits are something that I should ponder on, if I decide to leave.

The establishment wasn’t that fantastic. I mean the office set-up. It looked pretty small and the reception area was very small. The posters hanging on the wall didn’t really entice me much. The firm was previously focused on IT-related services. So most of the information that can be seen were related to IT, networking, and others which are totally something that I am not in touch with. The fact that they made me wait for an hour and a half was another factor which made me decide upfront that I was so not interested in this firm. But since I had been called, I waited. It’d be interesting to see how I could contribute there, considering that I am not from the IT line.

Finally I was called in. The man who interviewed me was very good looking. In fact, I couldn’t help but stared at his face. He looked so fresh. Then I found out that if I were to join the firm, I would be reporting to him. Hhmm… interesting. He asked me to talk about myself. Then he went through my CV. He noticed that I was from PPP/ITM. He confessed that he also did his A-Levels there, before he went to the UK to do his degree. So, he is my super senior. Interesting.

He also talked about the job. I would not be doing any IT-related scope but more towards Strategy-related services and Policy making. The division works closely with government agencies and bodies, and provides innovative solutions to these entities in whichever capacity that leads to the betterment of these entities. They are involved in various industries and always work hand-in-hand with their clients. Of course if late night is required in order to finish a proposal, then everyone has to stay in and finish the work. There was a time whereby they worked through the night up till the next morning just to get a proposal out. I told them that I am ok to work late, but I have never worked until the next day. The minute he mentioned that, the first thing that cropped in my head is my kids, especially the breastfeeding one. Hhmm…

Because he had a meeting to attend to, I was only interviewed for about half an hour. After that, I left.

The weeks after that, I didn’t get a call back. I was alright with it. I wasn’t eager to leave the company that I am working for at the moment anyway, but if I do get an offer based on the salary figure that I put in the CV, then I may have to rethink the whole thing.

Exactly three weeks after the interview, I received a call. They want me. In fact, they are willing to let me have my bonus and whatever increment I’m supposed to get here before they make an offer. So that’s like another month. I am happy to know that they’re quite considerate on that. But now, it boils back to whether I want to accept it or not. And that is a very big question at the moment, because I do not know how to answer it. Should I go or should I not go.

I have asked the opinions of several friends. And most of them asked me to weigh the pros and cons, especially in terms of benefits and EPF contribution. I have to admit that the benefits I receive at the moment are very comforting. When I asked the firm on the sort of benefits that I may get, they weren’t very clear on that. So the next step is to know the details of the benefits I may get, and of course the salary structure. These two important things are quite crucial in determining whether I ought to accept the offer. They also asked me to use my intuition as there is already an answer there, except that I may have to dig it to find out. And of course, the non-financial aspects of it. Hhmm… very tough.

So now, I am still weighing it. It would have been much easier if my kids are all grown up. Then I can pretty much do anything. But my prime concern is the kids. I have never left them overnight. If I have a meeting outside (even in Singapore), I would ensure that I come back the same day. I’m not that worried about Marsya as she’s a big girl now (yeah I know she’s just three) but Raqib still breastfeeds and I can’t imagine leaving him not breastfed for even a single night. I remember a dear friend who encountered similar problems about 2 and a half years ago, and when she got back from outstation, her daughter merajuk with her. Hhmm.. difficult lah kan.

But I still have a month to go. The prospect of doing something entirely different is exciting. But staying here is comforting (which isn’t good, I suppose). Hhhmmm...

Just Sharing

A dear friend recently had her cyst removed. She discovered the cyst which was located in her ovary, about a month ago, and at that point in time, the doctor said it measured about 4 cm. She was depressed. She had a similar cyst removal operation about eight months ago. And she didn’t expect for another one to grow in such a very short notice. Having such operations were nothing new to her. The first surgery she had for such removal was when she was thirteen. And now, she is living only on one ovary. Including the recent surgery, she’s had five operations to remove cysts.

She just got married last December. Her ultimate goal in life is to get pregnant, as she so terrible wanted to hold a baby in her arms. So when she missed her period for about a couple of days, she did the test and found out that she was pregnant. She was happy. She looked forward to be pregnant. She knew that she had that cyst in her ovary, but she was hoping that the cyst would somehow reduce in size and disappear. But a few days after that, she had blood stains. And they continued to flow out bit by bit. She was worried, so she went to her doctor to see what she could do about saving the pregnancy. The doctor was surprised that she was pregnant. The doctor had wanted to sort out the cyst first, but now with a baby on the way, she couldn’t do anything.

The doctor gave her a week of medical leave and asked her to rest because the likelihood of her having a miscarriage is very high at this point of time. So she took leave. She stayed at home and took all reasonable steps to take care of this very early pregnancy. She sought advice on the sort of supplements to take and also proceeded on wanting to buy Anmum; anything to keep the baby growing in her healthy.

But on the Friday, she was having cramps in her tummy, like one of those period cramps. And later that day, she felt it. She went to check on herself and found that the amount of blood was a lot more than the normal stains she had been having. “This is not happening. It couldn’t be it”. She refused to seek doctor’s advice until her sister pestered her into doing so. So she went to the nearest clinic to see a regular doctor. The doctor scanned her stomach and informed her that her stomach was empty. There seemed to be nothing there. She couldn’t believe her ears. She repeatedly asked the doctor to check and scan again. The doctor did, and still the same anwer was given. She cried. Devastated by what the doctor said. But she had hope. She would go to her doctor, the specialist, the one she went to, to remove her cyst. She will get a second opinion.

Later that night, she met with her doctor. The doctor scanned her again. This time using the contraption that had to be inserted into the uterus, normally used in the very early pregnancy as the normal scanner would not be able to scan a newly-formed life. The truth pained her. The doctor confirmed that there was no baby. She had had a miscarriage and it was best that she undergo a D&C. To make matters worst, the doctor suggested that she undergo another operation to remove the cyst currently in her ovary. She was despaired. Distraught at the fact that she was no longer pregnant and the doctor’s suggestion for the operation did not help. It was just too overwhelming.

She couldn’t think. She was upset. She was sad. Her husband shared her sorrows. After numerous phone calls seeking advice from everyone she knew, on Saturday, she was wheeled into the operation theatre. The cyst was removed.

I received her text message telling me that she was sad on Sunday. I tried calling her, but her husband said she was asleep. She was on epidural so that the pain can be alleviated. So the following Monday, I went to the hospital to visit her. She looked alright. Not in pain or anything, thanks for the epidural which was constantly injected at the back of her spine. But she also looked very sad. She was upset that her stomach was now flatter, and she resented seeing another colleague of ours who was pregnant. The pregnant colleague also came to visit her. I didn’t say much. I wouldn’t want to give her headaches or anything. She received a lot of advices from those who came to visit. But I couldn’t make myself say much. I was just there so that I could give her emotional support. The loss was terrible for her. But when most of them had left, I talked to her, and told her to be patient and consider this as no luck and not rezeki. And that who knows, she might even be pregnant with twins. She looked dejected. And I didn’t know what else to say.

Before I left, I kissed her forehead and told her to get well. I told her not to think about getting pregnant. Allah works in mysterious ways and who knows what luck holds in for her.

She is still on medical leave. Her depression is now over and now she is concentrating on getting well. Let’s all pray for her well-being, ok.

Election Results

Just shocking. I didn’t expect that BN would loose like this. Five states lost to the opposition party is just simply something shocking. Even Dato’ Nik himself was surprised. This is definitely a wake-up call for BN. There must be something terribly wrong with the current government as this has never happened before. Not in this 50 years of independence. And if BN still doesn’t realize this (just like Samy Vellu still not letting go of his position as MIC President), then they are not fit to run the country. But, who else is fit to run the country? PAS? PKR? DAP? Unfortunately unlike BN, they’re not mature yet to take on such a huge responsibility like running the country. BUT, if they prove their worthiness of running the states that they’ve been entrusted to, and that means fulfilling all promises they’ve made prior to the elections, then by all means, they have the capabilities of leading the country.

Me? I have mixed feelings here. A little disappointed at the current scenario and also scared at what lies ahead, but I am also a little excited at the prospect of these new political changes and all possible benefits that lies ahead. Serves BN right for being the way it is, thus making the people loosing their confidence over the party, but can these opposition parties live up to their words? Only time will tell. Now that they have been given the chance, I hope they will seize the opportunity to prove that they can do it. Running the states or the country is not just about promises. You HAVE to deliver.

We will wait and see.