Dessert Bar

One of my very close friends is experiencing some problems. She works at KLCC and asked us to meet her there. She just wanted to get some things off her chest. Unfortunately, not all of the Gurls could make it. So there were only me and Pah. Pah came all the way from Putrajaya. She fetched me at the office and we made our way to KLCC. The roads were terribly jammed. So we reached KLCC just after Maghrib. We went for our prayers and later met MF at the Dessert Bar, located on the 2nd floor at KLCC. I thought they only served dessert but I was wrong. They also serve sandwiches. So I had a chicken wrap (very nice.. the wrap itself was nice. It was all cheesy and soft. The salad dressing was also nice. I wonder what sauce they used), whilst Pah had a Belgian chocolate dip (fantastic..!! The warm chocolate was just soooo nice.. and we dipped some cut fruits into the soft chocolate and later dipped the chocolate soaked fruits with nuts… SEDAP..), a chocolate cheese brownie, and MF had a chocolate cake (I think that’s what it was. Couldn’t make out the taste). So yeah, apart from the great company, the food was also good. Well, when it comes to the Gurls, the food is always good.

Anyway, while eating our foods, we talked. MF has been having quite a major problem since the last six months. And lately, it has been affecting her work performance. In fact, she is to meet her boss today just to discuss why she has been ‘going off’ lately. She couldn’t focus while at work and her reception of certain information is very slow. Some (nasty) people at the office are calling her ‘ting-tong’ i.e. on the verge of loosing it, if you know what I mean. I pity her. She is a good lady. Pretty and bright, but now with the problems that she’s facing, I am so afraid that she might loose it all. No one deserves this of course, but only Allah knows best. Who are we to say that she does not deserve the misfortune that is befalling her at the moment? Everyone at certain stage of their lives experiences challenges and misdeeds. These are all Allah’s way of testing us to see whether we remember Him or not. After all everything comes from Him.

But MF looked very affected with the whole ordeal. Not only does she suffer physically, but mentally she is also affected. The sad thing is that I don’t know what I can do to help. All I could do was give her emotional support. Be there and listened to her grief. And give an opinion or two when she wants them. It’s all so heart-wrenching. I really want her to get well. But only Allah decides when one gets well. One can only continue to try different methods and medicine in order to get well but by the end of the day, Allah decides.

So yeah, she will probably sought help all the way from Kelantan soon. I pray that she gets well. I really do. She is my friend and I really want to see her get well. I hate what this thing is doing to her. She seems distraught and edgy. Not really the MF I used to know. I wasn’t sitting across her, but Pah did. And she said, just by looking at her face, one would know that she has problems. MF, I really hope you get well soon. I hate that you’re starting to have doubts. You’ve always been a much focused lady who knows what she wants and go ahead and do it. That was you. I hope whatever it is that is troubling you at the moment will be solved for good. Remember, if you need us to accompany you, let us know.

And Pah.. dearest Pah… I love you, girl. You know what you did. I was really touched. First there was the head-dress thingy which you left for me in the room. Then in the car, on the way to work… well, you know what you did. I was truly touched. I had tears brimming in my eyes but I stopped them from falling. There were just no words to express how I felt this morning. And I am at the moment highly sensitive of EVERYTHING. Your act of kindness will be repaid my dearest friend. If not now, I hope I’ll be given the chance to repay your kindness later in life. Suffice to know that you can count on me for anything. If it is within my power and ability, I will try to assist you in any way I can. Insya Allah…

I also met someone at the KLCC yesterday. We bumped into each other at the tunnel heading towards the convention centre. At first I didn’t realize that it was him. I was on my way to KLCC, while he was on his way to his office at Exxon Mobil. As he got closer, then I realized that it was him. Man.. he looked good. He has been working out and has lost quite a weight since I last saw him in late May this year. Well, not a LOT of weight; he still has some some meat on him, but he looked good. I liked looking at him like that. I obviously have gone a little fat now that I’m healthy and can eat well. But he on the other hand just looked good. For a father of two girls and two boys, he sure doesn’t look like he’s got four kids. Kudos to you, Babe. Looking great.

Me and him, we just go a long way back. I started to know him during the days that I was waiting for my SPM results to come out. I was introduced to him at a friend’s house during the Eid open house back in 1993 I think. I seriously didn’t expect our friendship to be this lasting. But yeah, it has. And the best part of it is that, it has been growing stronger. My parents know him, his mother (Al-Fatihah, bless her soul and may she rest in peace.. she just passed away after Eid this year) also knew me. Before I got married, I used to hang out with him a lot. I mean, literally a lot. If we were in KL, it would always be at the Uptown Damansara, and then he would send me back to Wangsa Maju as I was renting there. Otherwise, Taipan Subang. If we were in Seremban, it would always be at Bashir or Seremban 2. All we did was just talk. Chit-chat and hang out. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning. Before he got married, we took a drive to PD late at night, but because it was boring, we headed back to Seremban, to Bashir. I got back at nearly 3 or 4 in the morning. Luckily Ibu was cool about it. Ayah doesn’t know though. If he does, he would flip. He didn’t really like me going out with my guy friends a lot. At that time, I was already befriending Bie. But, we were friends. It was harmless. Besides, Bie accepts our friendship. Even till this day, if I wanted to see him, Bie would give his consent. He doesn’t get uptight and jealous about it. Thank goodness for that. Yeah.. those were the days. And now I’m having my 3rd child, whereas he already has four.

I guess that’s life. Anyway, MF… please get well soon… *hugs*

Tom & Jerry

I am very tired this morning. I slept late because my son, Muhammad Raqib wanted to watch Tom & Jerry, a DVD that Ayah bought for him for straight 10 hours. I was really on the verge of a breakdown last night. The fact that I was dead tired didn’t help. Raqib is staying with me this week because I’ll be on leave this Thursday and Friday after the Aidil Adha celebration tomorrow. At least I can take care of him at home. I know he misses to stay with me. Thereafter, I may have to send him back to Seremban, but this time with his sister Marsya. So I don’t think it’s going to be that bad.

Anyway, as soon as I reached home yesterday (luckily I had dinner at my in-laws), I went to straightened the kitchen, sorted out the laundry, packed the kids’ clothes because we’re staying over at our in-laws tonight (I know their house is just about 10 minutes away, but it’s Aidil Adha, and it is their turn this year anyway, so I thought better stay there for the night) which of course involved pressing their clothes, ensuring that their normal clothes and pyjamas are packed, their milk and so forth are also packed. Then I washed more clothes (it’s the only time I could do the laundry) and tried to stay up so that I could hang them outside on the balcony. But Raqib yesterday had other plans. He wanted to watch the Tom & Jerry DVD. I sort of blamed Ayah for it. I know I shouldn’t, but I was tired. And he wouldn’t want to go to sleep. The DVD was non-stop for 10 straight hours. Bie wasn’t well. After he took his medicine, he was in between sleeps (and not really awake for anything) so the kids were with me. I couldn’t really rely on him.

At 12.15am, Marsya realized that she had homework to do. I told her that she could do it over the holidays, but no, she wanted to do it last night. So there I was going through her work. Of course Raqib also wanted to do work. At 1am, I told them to go to sleep. Marsya packed her books and was about to pack Raqib’s books too. Of course Raqib wouldn’t hear of it. He wanted to do his ‘homework’, so they fought on the bed at 1 in the morning. Raqib slapped Marsya’s head with his Ben 10 watch (which is rather bulky). I have to admit, it looked rather painful. So of course Marsya cried her head out. So I slapped Raqib’s hand, then he cried. All these happening at 1 in the morning; and Bie did not even stir.

I coaxed both kids into going to sleep. Marsya listened to me and took her position beside me. But Raqib apparently has not had enough of Tom & Jerry. He wanted to continue and watch. I was mad. It was nearly 2am. I was tired. Really tired. Nothing can explain the fatigue that I was experiencing. So I left him in the bedroom and went to sleep in the guest room. I even texted Ayah before going to sleep, blaming him for my son not wanting to go to sleep (it was terrible of me, and I have apologized to Ayah this morning. Apparently Ayah called me and asked me to bring the DVD back to Seremban, so at least Raqib wouldn’t have the chance of watching Tom & Jerry in KL, and I wouldn’t be facing the same problem every night. Terrible of me, right? I didn’t mean to send the text to him, but I was sort of mad). Right after I texted him, I fell asleep.

I woke up at 6.30am, later than usual and proceeded to my usual morning routine i.e. prepared breakfast for the kids and Bie (I did French toast with jam), packed their foods, bathed Raqib, hung out more laundry, and got ready to go to work. So by the time I was in the car, I was tired again. The sleep the night before didn’t refresh me at all. And the rushing of the usual routine this morning only made it worse.

And now I’m at the office, but I can’t even begin to think on starting work. The Boss has come up to me and asked me for the ROCSA board paper (since I’ll be on leave on Thursday and Friday), but I have not mustered up the determination and mind-set to even start on that yet.. [sigh].. All I could think of was going to sleep. A half an hour nap would be the best medicine at the moment. Tonight, I have to prepare the ingredients to make Ayam Masak Merah and Nasi Tomato. Mak wants that to be served for the Aidil Adha tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day… [sigh]..

Eyes Puffy

I seriously thought that Raqib would stay with me for the whole of this week and next. I was planning to send him to my in-laws, so that he’ll no longer be in Seremban. I can’t bear to be far away from him. I love him too much. Hearing him talk on the phone is just not enough. It is not the same as hugging him or cuddling him to sleep. So when my parents brought him home this weekend, I thought he was going to stay with me. There was no way that he would be coaxed into leaving for Seremban with my parents. Besides, whenever my parents brought up the subject of going back to Seremban with them, he would say, “Adik nak duduk rumah Adik”, meaning, he wants to stay at home, with his Umi, Abi and Kak Long.

So yesterday, I invited my parents-in-law for lunch. My parents were at home and I thought what better way to get them close. So I cooked Egg Curry (Bak’s favourite dish.. I don’t know why, but he likes it very much), Prawn Sambal, Fried Mixed Vegetables and Fried Fish with Sambal. They came, they ate, they talked with my parents and not long after that, they took their leave. Before leaving, I asked Bie to ask his parents whether we can put Raqib at their place for the weekdays. It will only be from morning till 6.30pm or so, until I get back from work. Mak was ok but was expecting my dearest Bie to be around the house in the morning. And I know that Bie couldn’t do that. Though his timing is flexible, there are times when he couldn’t be around. And considering Mak wasn’t well as well, she was recovering from a fever, I knew that she couldn’t take care of Raqib. Marsya’s fine because she can basically take care of herself. But Raqib needs looking after.

So my parents talked to Raqib yesterday and sweet-talked him into going back to Seremban with them. At first he was hesitant. He didn’t say anything, didn’t show any feedback or response. But then, he suddenly asked for his bag (where I packed his clothes) and agreed to go back to Seremban. I was devastated. I wanted him to stay with me. But I know I didn’t have a choice. So I asked him again, whether he really wanted to go back to Seremban with his Atuk and Uwan. And he said yes. Then he hugged and kissed me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face. This would mean that I have to be apart from him, again. I had plans. I had wanted to take him out to dinner. I didn’t want to be with just Marsya. I wanted both my children to be out at that dinner. Besides, I was going to be on leave this Thursday. Marsya has her test for that eligibility to Standard One before the age of seven. So I am all there for Raqib. So him going back to Seremban with my parents was not what I wanted.

I changed his clothes and bathed him. We played bubbles (it’s our favourite game whenever I bathe him) and I was creating as many bubbles that I could and stuck them to his hands and arms. He was screaming with delight in the bathroom. After the shower, I put on some clean clothes on him and hugged him close to me. He returned the hug, tightly.

I put on my hijab so that I could take him downstairs; to send him off. I was already crying. I couldn’t help it. I was just so sad. At the lobby, I held him close and kissed his face many times. He looked at me and said, “Umi jangan nangis yer”. Imagine my three year-old telling me not to cry. That made me cry even more. Even Bie who was standing nearby was emotionally affected. I opened the car door and coaxed him to go inside the car. He looked at me, with glistening eyes. But he didn’t cry. Then I waved him goodbye. He stood on the car seat and waved us goodbye until we were no longer in sight. I entered into the lift and cried. Like a little child who just lost her favourite doll. Marsya was also crying. I hugged her and we cried together.

I think I cried for nearly an hour. Bie didn’t say anything to me. He just gave me space. He was never the type that consoles. I guess he just didn’t know how. My eyes were puffy. My nose was big and red. I was a mess. I stopped for Asar and cried again just before I perform my prayers. I was just devastated. I was sad. I called Ibu just to find out how he was doing. Ibu said he didn’t cry. But he looked very sad. He just kept quiet and stared out the window. His eyes were teary but the tears didn’t fall. Later, he just went to sleep. He slept all the way to Seremban. I think Ibu was also crying. She was crying because she was sad for both me and Raqib. She is a mother. Of course she would know. And she is MY mother. Of course she would know. She told me not to be sad, and not to cry because Raqib would feel my sadness and cry too. The bond between a child and a mother, especially one that breastfeeds, is very strong. So she asked me to control my sadness, for Raqib’s sake.

So yeah, I am now counting the days for Friday where I can finally go back to Seremban to see my son. I told Bie last night that I wish tomorrow was a Friday. So he suggested that we go back to Seremban on Thursday, after Marsya’s test. So Marsya will not go to school on Friday (ponteng lah) and I would have to go to work from Seremban. The suggestion reassured me a bit. So yeah, now I am counting for Thursday to come. Three more nights in KL, then off I am to Seremban. I can’t wait.

The challenges of a working mom… [sigh]…

A Bit Frustrated Today

Apparently, we are going to have another major corporate exercise involving a strategic acquisition of another company. It was announced in major newspapers today and an announcement was released about it on Bursa yesterday. I really, really wanted to be involved. I really do. This would be different than the ones that I have been involved in which was always related to debt restructuring or raising capital. This is about acquiring another company. A plan which we didn’t foresee happening at all, and yet there it is on the table.

My boss called me up yesterday, asking me how I was feeling, and whether I was ready to accept another challenge. Of course I felt a bit weird. Why was he asking me how I was feeling? I thought it was a trick question. You never know, these bosses. Sometime they may have something up their sleeves but they just don’t want to be too direct about it. So then I was told about this exercise and whether I wanted to be in the project team. I was in a limbo. I wanted so badly to be in the team but I was afraid that I could not commit much because I am after all pregnant and will deliver end of February next year. The exercise is only due for completion in March next year. That’s way beyond my labour date. Besides, now that I’m in my 6th month, going back late every other nights and working on weekends may not be the best option. Not to mention that I no longer have a maid. I know these corporate exercises. They have deadlines and require a lot of commitment. I know. I was involved in two of them. My boss told me that he asked me first before he approached another staff because he wanted me to make my decision first. Which I thought was very nice of him.

Unfortunately, much to my regret (but there’s just nothing much I can do), I had to decline. I felt bad. I was afraid I could not commit. But deep inside, I really want to be a part of it. It’s something that I have never been involved in. Call me selfish, but I want to experience something as big as this because then I call tell people that I was involved in that deal. Yeah, a bit over the top isn’t it, but that’s just me. Besides, I love the challenge, the adrenaline rush and the invisible power that somehow exists because you have the information while others don’t. Knowledge is pretty powerful stuff. But I can’t. I know I shouldn’t be blaming it on the gender thingy (I like doing that in the past), but being a woman, and pregnant too, can somehow disrupt your career advancement. I’m not saying that it happens in all organizations, but most Malaysian companies feel that women employees, no matter how good they are, once they get married and have babies, then that’s it. Family becomes the priority, works becomes second. I have always felt that us woman have to work twice as hard compared to men just to show to our bosses that we are equally good. When for actual fact, sometimes we are better than the men. Look at the number of students at the university. Just how many of them are women? So yeah, I’ve always had to say yes when sometimes, domestically it’s just quite impossible to do. But I felt that I needed to prove to the bosses that I am equal to my male counterpart. Yeah, ALL of my bosses are men. Some of them are so chauvinistic that they wouldn’t hear a word you say when for actual fact, what they say is wrong. Bodoh sombong.

So yeah, I am a bit frustrated today. The exercise has been approved by the Board. They’re doing the press conference and analyst briefing today. And of course they’ll be working together with the merchant banker throughout this weekend as the submission to the SC is on Monday. Exciting isn’t it. It’s just so interesting. Oh well, I have to let go and let others do it. Give them some exposure as well. Meanwhile, I should be concentrating on enjoying my weekend with my children. Both my children as my parents are sending over my son tonight. He has been staying with my parents in Seremban. Poor Raqib. And tomorrow is Marsya’s end of year concert. She will be singing and dancing. And also perhaps her kindergarten convocation. If all goes well, provided that she passes the test with the Education Ministry next Thursday to be held in Shah Alam, she’ll be in Standard One next year at the age of six. So yes, I have to be there for her as well. See.. what did I tell you about women and priorities after marriage?.. [sigh].. well, that’s life for you. Whether we like it or not, we have to make our choices. Whether the choice is a good one, that’s another story.