Feeling Insecure

Last week, I met up with an old friend. A friend who would have been family if she had gotten married to my brother-in-law. But tulah, jodoh di tangan Allah. Who are we to say anything about it, right? Well, she’s now married to an engineer and has just recently been blessed with a baby, who is now four months old.

She has ‘expanded’ since the last time I saw her. Well, she used to be an ‘S’ size and now she’s an ‘XL’. And she was really resenting it. I hope I would be able to shed a lot of kg’s after I give birth come this May. I really hope so. It’s really scary if the weight doesn’t want to depart from me. Well, that’s another story.

She looked good, happy to be a mother. So we talked. Among the things that we touched upon was the feeling of insecurity. She claimed that these days she feels a bit insecure and is always accusing her husband of unnecessary things. She feels terrible that now she has gained a lot of weight and can’t help feeling that her husband may not look at her the same way he did before she gave birth. Of course I told her not to be silly and that her husband still loves and adores her.

She looked at me and asked, “Do you feel that? Do you feel insecure?” I thought about it for a while. Hhhmm… me? Insecure? I don’t know. I have not thought about it thoroughly. I have always wondered whether I have ever felt insecure, after having my baby and all… I don’t know. I looked at her and just shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t think so. Well, not to the extent that I feel overly jealous and start forming negative images in my head”. And she was surprised. “Never?” and I said, “No lah rasanya”. And I let my respond sink in my head.

She felt bad about feeling jealous but she just couldn’t help it. I feel terrible for her. Currently I am blessed that I haven’t felt the insecurity that she was talking about. I mean, yeah sometimes the feeling sort of appear out of nowhere, but it quickly diminishes into thin air. It is after all not a good feeling. And I feel that we shouldn’t harbor such feeling if we want to have a prosperous marriage (of course until after your husband back stabs you, then you have EVERY right to harbor whatever feeling imaginable… it is after all a privilege, because once burnt, trust me, a person never forgets easily and having the same trust and loyalty can be very, very difficult. I have seen it happened too many times).

So later at home, I asked my Dearest Bie whether he thinks I’m insecure. He thought carefully about it and said, “Sometimes I see you feeling insecure. But most of the time, you are more secure than you are insecure”. I kept quiet. So, I have portrayed a feeling of insecure, eh? Hhmmm… definitely need to work on that. I mean, I don’t think I have ever felt insecure. I let him go out with his friends, go singing at karaoke centres while entertaining his clients, or have dinners outside and will only call him if it’s REALLY necessary. But he’s the husband. He’s my partner. So I’m sure he has plenty of time to observe me.

Well, whatever it is, I will try to work on whatever little insecurity I have. I don’t think it’s good. So, we’ll see how it goes, eh…?

What Do Women Want

I was listening to Traffic on Trexx FM a day before yesterday. Trexx FM is lead by two talkative deejays; Round H and DD. I enjoy their show very much. I used to enjoy the morning show as well but since Scam B left the show, I rarely listen to it anymore. But Traffic, I still do listen to it.

Anyway, they were discussing a very interesting topic; What Do Women Want. Apparently, DD doesn’t have a girlfriend and he is wondering where he had gone wrong. In his head, women are just into the money. As long as the guy is rich, then women would be falling on to him like rocks. But most of the times, he thinks that women DO NOT really know what they want. So, he asked the listeners to call in to give their views. There were several women callers and there were also men callers. And when Round H asked the women to choose between guys who are financially secure and have good sense of humour, nearly all of the women opted for financially secure. I mean, why shouldn’t they, right? Of course DD made an issue out of it, saying that women these days are materialistic. I totally disagreed with him and proceeded to call.

I got through and managed to talk to them.

Round H : So, what do women want?

Me : Basically, three things. A man who is committed to the relationship and that means no sleeping around or have affairs with anyone. Then a man who is financially secured…

DD : You mean, blank cheque book, a lot of cash… that sort of thing.

Me : Why is it, whenever a woman mentions about financially secure, you men think we’re materialistic. Financially secured does not mean that. Things are not cheap these days. The guys must at least have enough money to provide for his family.

Round H : Especially if you have kids and all.

DD : Yeah, yeah… (mockingly)

Me : That’s right. And the third one, the guy must at least be a little funny. Women like it if their guys have a good sense of homour.

DD : So you married a clown?

Me : No. My husband is not a clown. But he can be funny when he wants to. Maybe not to everyone else, but at least to me.

Round H : DD, stop it. If she likes her guy to be funny, then let it be. This applies differently to all couples. I can’t help to notice though that the good sense of homour bit comes in last. Why can’t you put that as the second one?

Me : Well, it doesn’t really matter where you have it, as long as it is in the list.

DD : See Round H. Women are only into the money. They only like guys who are rich. No money, no girl.

Round H : And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend till today. You’ve got to understand first what a woman really wants, then you’ll get a girlfriend.

DD : Who is sitting next to you?

Me : My husband.

Both deejays stifled a laugh and said bye.

After I hung up, I listened to the comments made by the deejays. DD was saying, “No wonder she can get all the three things that she wants. She has full control of her husband. She controls her husband”, to which Round H replied, “Maybe”.

I resented that, of course. But who cares. At least I made my point on national radio. I think I spoke for nearly all women out there as to the criteria that they want in their men. But I’m sure though that there a lot more than the three basic ones I have listed.

So friends, what do you think a woman really wants from a man?

Ewan McGregor Sexy

I never realized how sexy Ewan is. Yes, I have seen him in loads of movies. I’m not exactly a fan, but if the reviews are great, I would just go and see it. I mean, who could not have seen Star Wars Episode I to III. He was a master Jedi. He was Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then there was Moulin Rouge where he acted next to Nicole Kidman. I didn’t know he could sing until after I watched the movie. But of course, I prefer him as an actor to a singer. Then Trainspotting; the movie that brought him his fame. But I didn’t like him in the movie. He was a junkie; skinny and not good looking at all. Then there’s Big Fish, and what’s that movie he acted with Renee, where he was a ‘hot’ journalist for a man’s magazine? Gosh, I can’t remember. But, he was cute in Lifeless Ordinary though. Cute, but not sexy.

Last night, I had the opportunity to see The Island on HBO. I wanted to catch it when it was screened on theatres, but having a small baby at the time and not having a maid, not to mention that I wasn’t really a big fan (unless if it’s Keanu Reeves or something), I didn’t feel regret for not catching it on the big screen. So when it was shown on HBO last night, I thought, why not. I have always wanted to see The Island anyway.

And man… was I in for a surprise. I have never seen Ewan does an action flick before. His past movies were not so action-packed. Yes of course as a master Jedi you have to be really good with the lightsaber, but to me, it wasn’t action-packed enough. In The Island, he suddenly became very sexy to me. His body, his voice (and the faint Scots’ accent), his tolerance for pain (you know, all the jumping and the running, not to mention the bike ride and the cuts and bruises he had on his face), there were all suddenly very eye-catching to me. All of a sudden, I see him as very sexy and I have to admit; I LIKE him. And I really like him as Lincoln 6 Echo. He was a … man. A macho one at that. Call me silly, but yes, I woke up this morning, thinking of him. Hehehe…

So yes, I would like to see him in action flicks in the future. But so far, the movies that he is doing (or will be doing) aren’t so much of that. We will see him next in Miss Potter next to Renee. I don’t know the synopsis, but I guess he will be playing Renee’s love interest. Oh well, at least I now know that Ewan can be VERY sexy and that appeals to me, VERY much.

Marsya Hazirah is Two Today..!!

My daughter turned two at exactly 10.06 am today. I am so happy for her. She is the best that could have ever happened to me, so far and I love her very much. I can’t believe that she is finally two years old. She is no longer a baby. She is now a toddler. And if we’re to go on the AirAsia, we will have to start paying for her seat.

Gosh, time really flies when you’re happy and all. I remember when she was given to me by the doctor at the labour room. I didn’t even look at her face. I saw her you know what which tells the whole world that the baby’s a girl. But I was too tired to even hold her or kiss her cheeks. After Bie recited the azan in her ears, which I faintly heard, I was carried to the ward to rest. I didn’t ask for her, nor was I excited to hold her. All I wanted at that time was rest and go to sleep. In fact, I couldn’t even open my eyes.

Marsya was put in a crib and placed next to me. One after the other picked her up, kissing her, hugging her. But I didn’t care. Phones were ringing and wishes of congratulations were relayed. But I didn’t bother. Don’t these people understand, I just want to sleep. Let me be in peace. When they noticed that I had dozed to sleep, then did they realize that I was tired. So the nurse took Marsya and placed her with all the other babies, while I took my rest.

It was not until evening that I asked my dearest Bie for Marsya. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and count the fingers on her hands and feet, but most importantly, I wanted to introduce myself to her as the mother that gave birth to her. The nurse placed her in my arms. I had to admit that I felt a little awkward as I wasn’t used to holding a newborn baby. But I managed anyway. The nurse asked me to try and breastfeed her, which I did. Surprisingly, Marsya was good at that. She managed to feed on the breast milk like as if she was born just to do that.

I felt very happy. I hugged her to my bosom, never wanting to let her go. I promised to love and cherish her for as long as I have life in my body. I vowed to bring her up as my mother did me and prayed that she’ll be a good daughter and a good Moslem throughout her whole entire life.

I still hug her these days. The fact that I now have a baby bump does not stop me from loving her as I did on the day that she was born. And there are just no words that can describe my love for her.