Roller Coaster Ride

I’m ok now. We had the talk. It was important. I guess it helped put my roller coaster emotions in its tracks, for now. I think it’s the hormones. I don’t know. I have been having these terrible roller coaster emotions lately. And the funny thing is that, it’s all in my head. All the words, the statements, things I see, the way I feel. It’s like, don’t get me crossed coz you’ll definitely get it. Yesterday, it was Ibu.

I was on the phone with her. She called me because she just wanted to know how the kids were. They were sick a couple of weeks ago. And we got to talking. About how my unemployed brother not appreciating the money that bought him breakfast. Ayah bought him a nasi lemak, but he didn’t eat it. I told Ibu that you need money to buy nasi lemak. Even if it’s only RM1.50. She jokingly said that I was also like that once. And I flipped. I told her off. Can you imagine that? Basically, I said something like this:

“No. I treasure all the money that I had when I was a student. Ayah didn’t give me money at all, unlike my brothers. I lived on my monthly allowances, which was not a lot, but I made do with the amount that I got”, and some other words.

To which Ibu replied, “Yerlah. And with all the money that you have, you gave them to people”.

That really ticked me off, and I made some hurtful remarks to Ibu because I was mad. I verbally attacked her using her life as an example on the occasions that she gave her money away. The minute I hung up, I was really feeling regret. I shouldn’t have raised my voice to her. It was uncalled for. I am her daughter for goodness sake. It’s a sin to raise your voice to your mother. The person who carried you for more than 9 months, and took care of you until you can finally make your own living. I felt bad. So about 10 minutes later, when I was a lot cooler, I gave her a call, and apologized. Though she said it was ok, it didn’t make me feel any better. This roller coaster emotion is really bad.

I really have to control them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s just so tiring having to take care of everyone’s feelings… [sigh]. Does that mean that I cannot express my anger or just let go some of the steam in my body? I don’t know.

Anyway, I have just discovered this great music streaming website from the internet where you can create a playlist of your own and practically listen to any song you like. So I created a list of British Indie rock music, which was quite famous in the mid 90’s and late 90’s. I love my playlist. It’s got The Seahorses, Catatonia, Ocean Colour Scene, Oasis, Manic Street Preachers, Garbage and Blur. I love it. And I have been listening to the playlist since a couple of days ago. These were the songs that I was into when I was in the UK. It was fantastic. I remember buying the singles and listening to them over and over again. And this was more than 10 years ago. Such a long time ago. I feel old.

Not Feeling Too Good

I know I haven’t been updating the blog for over a month now, and that whenever I do update, it’d always be about my feelings, or what I was feeling that day. I guess I just do not have any reasonable outlet at this point in time. I don’t share it with people I know because they might pass judgements. Somehow complete strangers seem to be the best bet at the moment. I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m rambling about. It’s like I know what I want to write, but when it comes to writing it down, I’ll always wonder whether it’ll be too much information.

So many things have happened. My brother is moving to his new house. It’s in Desa Coalfields. Further up than Sungai Buloh prison, but easily accessible via the Guthrie Expressway. Yes, it is very far, but it is a nice cozy double storey terraced house, with nice-looking bathrooms. My parents’ focus is there at the moment. They get worried about Ayin not being able to move in before the end of the month. They have this huge pity for him because he was double-crossed by the stupid Wan (the one who was supposed to do his kitchen). They pity that he had to clean the house by himself considering that his son is currently very ‘active’ and his wife couldn’t put him down even for five minutes to help him with the house. And I have to admit that I get tired of listening to the same thing from both my parents. I mean, everyone has to endure some kind of challenges in life, right. And that was my brother’s challenge. He’s a grown man. He’ll know what to do. I guess I’m just a little ticked off because I don’t remember them having such concerns when I moved into my house. Was it just because it was a 1,200 sq ft apartment? Heck I was pregnant with Marsya at that moment for goodness sake. Somehow they don’t worry about me that much. Yes they’re worried about my current situation, but I always tell them not to because it’s my problem. I’ll deal with it. Talk about eldest syndrome. I think I have it.

There is also another thing that is bugging my head. How I wish I can share it here with the rest of the world, but unfortunately it is not a very good thing to do… [sigh]… this thing has been weighing me down like a rock. It ruined my weekend. And I think it also ruined my Saturday breakfast and karaoke session with Yamm. I don’t want to be melodramatic about it. But when I am feeling like this, I can be full of drama (and exaggeration I suppose). Somehow Yamm caught it. She was asking me on Saturday, why I was ‘seponyek’ or something. It was her word. I can’t remember. But I denied any ill-feeling and told her that I was alright. And that there was nothing ‘seponyek’ about me. Of all people, Yamm asked me. I guess when you’ve been friends for long; one would notice that kind of thing. If Pah was around, I know for sure that she was going to dig it out of me. She doesn’t care… but Yamm is too nice to do that. She doesn’t force it out of you unless you yourself want to share. I’m not saying that Pah isn’t nice. When it comes to Pah, I don’t mind she digging anything out, even by force.

I think I have to have a heart-to-heart session. Or maybe just send an email because talking (especially when both are at the anger stage) rarely produces the results you want. Talk about being rationale even at this point in time. But yeah, that’s me. Always weighing on how best to do things.

Yeah, I think I’ll do that.