Lost Everything

I watched the Three Musketeers last night, the one that starred Kiefer Sutherland and Chris O’Donnel. Though it’s an old movie, I only managed to watch it last night. And it was good. I love it. Well, I have always loved period drama anyway (I can watch Sense and Sensibility over and over again without feeling bored). So, at about 3.30am, after the movie ended, I made my way to the bedroom, switched on the table lamp, snuggled in my blanket, switched off the air-condition and turn on the fan, I fiddled with my mobile. Well, it isn’t actually mine. The mobile is Bie’s. I am using it because my mobile doesn’t show any display (courtesy of Marsya throwing it on the floor). So it’s kind of difficult to read text messages or to make phone calls, as I can’t see anything on the display. Since my Dearest Bie is in Italy, I am using his. It’s a Motorola camera phone. Not the latest model though but still with too many features for my liking. But I went ahead and use it anyway.

Before closing my eyes to sleep, my hands sajer gatal bukak inbox. I wanted to see all the text messages that I have in my inbox. You see, my sim card memory isn’t very big but I still manage to keep important text messages for my viewing pleasure. These text messages were from my Dearest Bie. The days before I got engaged to him, after I got engaged and after we got married. They were my precious text messages. The oldest I have is dated sometime in May 2001 when my grandmother (Ayah’s side) passed away and he was in Manjung. He informed me that he was at the movies and got out a bit late, and that’s why he wasn’t calling. Well, his text messages were more lovey-dovey compared to what I have written here.

Then there’s one where I sent him back home to KL after his visit to Seremban. He sent a text message thanking me for everything. Then there’s the one he sent which he told me that even if I have the biggest backside in the world, he would always love me no matter what. Then there was one that he sent when he had to stay at IOI Puchong for a few nights for training, I think back in March 2003. He sent a text message saying that he missed me. The other one was sent on the first day that I sent Marsya to my aunt’s place. Well, my aunt takes care of Marsya while I’m at work. I was so sad at leaving her behind that I cried in the car on the way to work. I called him up saying that I hated leaving her behind. Well, Bie sent me a text message thereafter saying not to worry and that Marsya’s in good hands.

Anyway, back to the main issue, I was trying to delete some of the messages that weren’t that important. I clicked on one function after the other and let me tell you, this Motorola phone is SO NOT user friendly. I couldn’t find a way to delete the messages. The instructions given were vague and I was afraid that if I clicked on them, all my messages would be erased. But I don’t know why my hands were SO gatal last night. I clicked on an instruction and was SHOCKED to read that all messages have been erased. I quickly went to my inbox to check whether all my precious text messages were still there.

And I sighed with relief; they were still there. So I thought, why don’t I open one message at a time and delete it one by one. I did just that, but when I went back to my inbox, ALL OF THE PRECIOUS TEXT MESSAGES WERE GONE..!! I was stunned. This couldn’t be right. I only deleted one message but why were all the other messages missing. I checked again. No messages. Past memories flashed in my head. I remembered the text messages word by word. And also how they came about. I couldn’t believe that I have actually deleted all the messages in the inbox..!! All the messages that I had taken great care not to delete. I have actually lost them. And the next thing I knew, I was crying (remember that I am STILL recovering from my state of depression). Now everything was gone. The text messages meant a lot to me. Whenever I feel down, I would look up for those messages but now they’re gone. What can I remember them by? I couldn’t very well have saved them elsewhere. I was sad. Sedih sangat-sangat. All those wonderful words gone at a blink of an eye. I don’t remember when I stopped crying but I do know that the last time I looked at the clock, it was already 4.30 in the morning.

Today, I am still sad at the thought that I can no longer look at all those sweet messages. Whenever I think about it, I shrugged it off and proceeded to do something else. You see, those messages were given to me at the spur of that moment. Now I can never capture those moments anymore. Those moments can never be re-winded. They can never be acted out again like some TV shows. The messages are gone and so were all those pure moments.

Is Depressing the Right Word..?

What I’m about to write may make some of you puke.. hehehe, I mean. It’s perfectly natural to feel ‘nak muntah’ with what I’m about to say. Well, here goes… I MISS my Dearest Bie..!! There I have said it.

It has been 6 days since my Dearest Bie went to Italy. His first destination was Rome, then he made his way to Florence, then he took a water taxi to Venice. As we speak, he is currently in Venice. Enjoying himself no doubt. I miss him terribly. I didn’t know that I would feel this terrible miss. But, I am. And it sucks. I hate missing him. I hate the fact that I can’t just call him to know how he’s doing and that I can’t talk for long hours with him over the phone. The first day he reached Rome, he called me once… AFTER six hours he landed..!! I was worried sick. I didn’t have much appetite (percaya tak tu?? Me, the one who eats A LOT!) and was constantly in my room, brushing away a tear or two (imagine that… J). When he finally called, I felt like a huge light just shone in my heart. It was a wonderful feeling. The next day he didn’t call. I was in a state of depression. Didn’t talk much with my parents. I only played with Marsya the whole day, and at night when Marsya was fast asleep, I would look at her face and think of my Dearest Bie. They look SO MUCH alike. That sort of helped me with my loneliness and my terrible miss for my Dearest Bie. I didn’t even want to go anywhere. Ayah ajak pergi Giant, but I said no and the old acquaintance, yang we were supposed to go out, tak jadi so I continued to laze in front of the TV, with Marsya sitting on top of my tummy.

Yesterday was the day that I picked up the courage to leave the house. I went to Acik’s place and brought her and the kids to Jusco. After walking around the new shopping mall, I treated them to McDonald. But I still didn’t have the mood to talk that much. Today I felt a lot better. I went to Giant with Ayah and bought myself a blueberry pie. It was good. And the best part was that, Bie called me twice today. Once in the morning, and the other phone call about half an hour ago. It brought smiles to my face. And to add further to that, he sent me text messages (from his boss’ phone no doubt) saying that he was leaving Florence and heading for Venice. The other one was that he misses both Marsya and me (and he finished his message with ciao… funny coz it is so unlike him. I guess being in Italy and all…). So as you all can probably detect, I am slowly recovering from my depression state. I am now talking to my parents, no longer hiding in the bedroom for the termenung session, and EATING a lot as well (I think I have gained a lot of pounds during this holiday), I play with Marysa but not all the time. I mean, I don’t whisk her away into the bedroom to stare at her face anymore. Instead, I let her play on her own, under the supervision of Ibu’s Bibik.

So, yes… this cloud of depression is slowly being lifted off me. Now I am looking forward to Tuesday. That is the day that my Dearest Bie is going to come home. Ayah has volunteered to fetch him from the airport, well, he will accompany me to the airport. But I told him, no. I told him that I want to fetch Bie myself. At first he wasn’t happy. But I put my foot in it, to which he finally said yes. So, I am really looking forward to see my Dearest Bie. Next Tuesday, yeaaahh baby… !!