Feeling So Down Today

I woke up this morning and felt upset. I don’t know why. For no apparent reason, I am depressed. In fact, I have been like this for the past few days and it’s worrying me. I nearly skipped lunch with the rest of my colleagues two days ago because I didn’t feel like eating with them. And we were actually celebrating a friend’s birthday. I didn’t feel like having fun, chit-chatting or talk to people even. I don’t know why I have been feeling this. I never feel this sort of feeling. Well, very rarely.

I guess it’s got to do with a lot of things. First and foremost, I guess it’s because I’m having my PMS. It’s the second time since I gave birth a year ago (oh my God.. that reminds me, I haven’t upload a story on my Raqib’s FIRST birthday!! What kind of a mother am I? I did a short story on Marsya, but not for Raqib.. I promise I’ll do a special one for him soon).

Then I suppose is because I am missing Marsya so much. She’s in Taiping at the moment with Maksu. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would either be playing outside, or sleeping. So, I couldn’t really speak with her. I guess it made me irritated to learn that she enjoys herself when she is with Maksu and family, rather than when she’s with me. I’m supposed to be her mother. She’s supposed to enjoy spending time with me. But no, it seems like she enjoys spending her time with Maksu. I think it got to me. I can’t bring her to the funfair, nor can I bring her to picnics or waterfalls. Heck, I haven’t even been bringing her to the pool, and that pool is just a few steps away from my house. If you stand at the balcony, you can see the pool. I simply do not have the time (I know.. lousy excuse). Arrgghh..

Then of course it’s Bie. I know I have been saying this over and over again. But I am tired. I am tired of having to worry financially, or whether my money is able to cover several essential expenses. And whether I have enough to pay for certain leisures and pampering (I need a break. I am in desperate need of a break). I can’t rely on him. His money is to cover for the house and few bills. I can’t count him to pay the groceries, the kid’s expenses, tolls, petrol, etc, etc. Sometimes he pays for them. Then I get worried. Does he have any money? Will he be able to pay for the house next month? Now that he’s paying, does he already have money in his pockets or are they just a one-off kind of thing? He paid for that, but why is he claiming certain expenses from me; is he running out of money? You see, I’m just worried. I don’t know how long more I have to play this guessing game. Or ask him, “Do you have money?” or “Have you got enough money?” or “You sure you’ve got money?”. I don’t want to burden him with these questions coz I know that he’ll get mad at me. I know that he’s trying to tie a few deals, but there’s just no knowing when he’s going to get paid. And if he does get paid, I’m just not sure whether the pay is enough. Because sometimes I think he has the money, but he still asks me to pay for certain stuff, which clearly indicates that he’s not getting enough and still cannot provide for me and family, financially. I am tired of waiting for the big break. But I have to. I have to be brave for the kids, for my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, my aunts and my friends. I have to show them that I’m ok with this, and that I am supportive of Bie all the way. So I can’t complain to them. I can’t complain to anyone. I have to show them that I’m capable. I have to show them that whatever happens, my family can rely on me. I have the money. I don’t like charity. And I don’t like it when sometimes Ayah pays for certain things. If I have the money, I’ll definitely pay him back. And that’s what I have been doing so far. Even if I borrow for him, I always pay him back. Now I’m depressed.

Then it’s this stupid hike in petrol price. I don’t even want to go there. It makes me even mad.

I just hope that this feeling will go away soon. Tomorrow Marsya is coming home. I can’t wait to see her. I miss her so much.