Hollow Moments

I am feeling ever so down lately. And I hate to admit it, but I know why. Apart from the pending ‘best friend’ who comes every month, my emotions have been a bit of a roller coaster. The management just announced the promotion list and it looks like as if I may have to report to a former colleague. No doubt he’s good, and sharp and committed, but I don’t know whether I can report to him. He came to my house to visit me during my confinement last year and I was wearing shorts (with knee high socks by the way – it was just way too hot that time), we joked around foolishly and his wife and I are friends. But now I may have to report to him and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with that idea… [sigh]..

What am I saying? Reporting to a colleague is the least troublesome thing that’s meddling my head. There are in fact other things, which are troubling my head. My relationship with someone whom I dearly love is at stake. I don’t know how I can keep up with this anymore. Am I in the wrong? Am I not being understanding enough? How can I pretend and act like as if nothing has happened. I am tired of this. Very tired. Things are not the way they are anymore. Whenever we plan something, it always fails because of unforeseen circumstances. I try to understand, I really do but somehow the supportive aspect is slowly making its way down the drain. Is it me? Am I too naïve to understand certain things because I’m not capable to? I hate it when I am accused of not caring anymore. I do care. Very much. If I don't care, I wouldn't bother to even think about it.

My closed ones are the place where I let off the anguish, the burden, and the sadness. I pray to Allah that things will go back the way they were. If not better. I know I’m confused and probably too small-minded to learn things that are beyond my puny little brain but shouldn’t we go to back to basics? Or are the basics too fundamental that they’re not acceptable anymore.

It makes me sad. Very sad. I don’t want to be branded as the most unsupportive one. Initially I tried to be supportive. But lately, my patience is just thinning. And what’s obvious is that, it's not just my patience alone.

Is It Time To Change

Have you ever stood in front of your wardrobe not knowing what to wear to work? Well, I have. Truthfully, there was a time where I stood in front of my wardrobe for about an hour looking and searching for the right outfit to wear to the office the next day. It would always be, “Too tight lah this pants. Can’t wear it”, or “Tak gosok lagilah. And I am so lazy to do the ironing”, or “This pants make my butt look big”, and these comments went on and on until I have finally settled on what I wanted to wear the next day.

Last night, I did it again. I stood in front of the wardrobe and stared at all the clothes I have in there. There was an AGM on Tuesday morning and I thought I wanted to look my best. I didn’t feel like wearing my three-piece (I haven’t been wearing a three-piece in such a long time), but yet I wanted to look corporate but with a hint of leisure. So I took my brown boot cut pants (they’re office pants) and light green fitting top with dark green lines just below the bosom. And I thought, why not.

So this morning, when I went to the office, I received a lot of comments. I have to admit that if I’m dressed down, I can be a bit shabby; there are days when I don’t bother dressing up. But this morning, I received quite a few comments, which urged me to re-look at the type of clothes I have in my wardrobe.

The first comment I received was, “Nampak tembam sikitlah sekarang”, in other words, I looked slightly plumpish. I guess the fitting green top showed my extra, unnecessary curves. The other comment I received was from a female colleague. She just joined us about a month ago but she’s very friendly. She was surprised to see me and said rather loudly, “Wow, you look sexy!! I like it. You look really good”. Her comments attracted curiosity from other male colleagues, who turned their heads to look at me. I was embarrassed. She told me to take is as a compliment because she said I looked good.

At the AGM this morning, I caught sight of another colleague, whom I haven’t seen for quite a while. The first word she said when she saw me was, “Mampatnya..!!”. I’m like: Huh?? What the hell?

As I walked past a guy sitting down, Marsha (the colleague whose name is similar to my daughter’s) who was walking next to me was squeezing my arm and saying, “Gatalnya Kak Mel. That guy was looking at you from top to bottom”.

Back at the office, I know that some of my male colleagues had trouble conversing with me while at the same time, looking at my eyes and not my body. I could sense it. Thereon, I felt conscious at all eyes looking at me. Luckily, I have a jacket in the office. So whenever I was in the office, I would be wearing my jacket.

This is actually a sign. A sign that tells me fitting clothes, low cut and tight pants, and short skirts are no longer my cup of tea. I am a wife and a mother, and I still dress like I’m 20!! I can’t help it. I like the way I dress. And I don’t really find it sexy. I don’t have any revealing clothes or tank tops and spaghetti straps. I don’t have skirts, which lengths are above the knee. So, where is the sexiness? Is it because of my plumpish body? So that when I wear anything, which may be a bit fitting, people resort to calling me sexy?

Whatever it is, it’s a sign. A sign that tells me to re-look at the way I clothe, after all, I’ll be turning 30 soon… [sigh]. My dearest Bie has never dictated what I should and shouldn’t wear. His only advice is to wear loose fitting clothes, which are not so revealing at the bosom or the tummy, and if possible, avoid short skirts. He never forces me to wear a headscarf. He wants me to discover that for myself. Some discovery. I am turning 30 and I still dress like I am 20.

Hhmm… I have to do something about this. But it’s so difficult. I am so used to wearing what I have been wearing since the past 10 or 15 years. Besides, my clothes aren’t sexy. Honestly. It only becomes sexy when I put them on. And it’s only some of them.

That’s not an excuse. I know. Well, for starters, I will not be wearing this outfit to work anymore. If I do, I’ll make sure that I have a jacket with me all the time. And maybe, I will start buying loose fitting tops. Well it’s a start isn’t it? I can’t do it overnight. Let’s hope that this feeling of wanting to gradually change works its magic in me. Otherwise, it’ll just be another hot-hot chicken ‘tut’.

Misyar Marriage

Lately, we have been hearing a lot about Misyar marriages. According to Prof. Datuk Dr. Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid, a lecturer at the Akademi Pengajian Islam Universiti Malaya, Misyar marriages can avoid social ills in the society i.e. maksiat and it is also one of the solutions to curb the rising number of unmarried women in Malaysia. In other words, unmarried women and divorcees ought to resort to Misyar marriages to avoid the ‘shadowy’ humiliation of being single. Furthermore, women these days earn more than men and because of that they can afford having a Misyar marriage because the men do not have to financially provide for them. But what is a Misyar marriage?

“Misyar is described as a form of marriage in which the wife gives up her rights offered under the religion, including the right to have the husband living with her in the same house and providing her with necessary expenses. In short the woman gives up the right to have an independent home. The husband may come to see her at her parent’s home at whatever time he chooses for himself, or at a time agreed by the two”. [source: Islamonline.net]

Some scholars agree to Misyar marriages, while others disapprove on the context that it never existed during Rasulullah’s (PBUH) time. Well, whatever it is, Misyar marriages are practiced all over Saudi Arabia and countries near the Gulf, and these countries have always been perceived as the perfect role model for Islamic countries. Long story cut short; is Misyar marriage the perfect solution to curb social illnesses and encourage unmarried women to get hitched?

When I first read the suggestion, I was skeptical. I’ve heard of Misyar marriages from somewhere but I wasn’t sure what the arrangement is. So I surfed the net and looked it up. Believe it or not, but there are many opinions and articles on Misyar marriages. The majority of it, even those living in Saudi Arabia and the countries within its proximity, opposed to the marriage. These majorities are of course women. The sad thing is that, most of the men agree to Misyar marriages. In fact, they see nothing wrong with it. Well, that is expected (to some extent), but what angered me was the perception that these men give; being unmarried is a social stigma and should be well avoided.

As for me, I oppose to Misyar marriages. Why? Misyar marriages do not fulfill Islam’s aims of a marriage. A family is built from a marriage, which requires care and love. The family stays in one house and nurtures the relationship within by providing each other’s needs, be it financial, emotional or sexual. Then there are the children. All these components play important roles in forming a happy family and thereon a solid marriage. The husband’s role in the family among other things is to provide for the family. It is his responsibility to ensure that his family is well taken care of, as head of the family. Isn’t that is what required of a husband in Islam? If it isn’t, then why was I made to listen to it after my akad nikah? My husband then had to read a long list of items on responsibilities as a married couple.

But Misyar marriages are different. The husband comes to visit the wife (be it at the wife’s parents or the wife’s house – considering that these women are successful and rich and thus can afford to buy her own house) for conjugal visits and leave the next day. He may not visit his wife for many days, or weeks to come. But suddenly out of the blue, he’s there for his ‘matrimonial’ duty. What is that? He comes as he pleases and when he feels like having sex (out of the norm, perhaps) then he starts thinking, “Maybe I ought to visit my wife for something out of the ordinary tonight”. The husband is not entitled to provide emotional or financial support as their wives have given up those rights prior to their marriage. Note however that sexual acts require the consent of the wives. At least, that’s what I have been made to understand from Datuk Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat. He also said that consent from the wife is needed before a couple can embark on a Misyar marriage.

I just feel that Misyar marriages are just used as tools to allow men have ‘licensed’ sex out of marriage. So if they get caught, then they can say that they’re married. I also feel that the so-called social illnesses are not caused by women (well, not totally anyway) and thus improper to accuse that women should get hitched via Misyar marriages to prevent social illnesses. It takes two to tango. The ‘maksiat’ wouldn’t be there if there’s no demand. And who else demand them? Of course it’s the men (not all, this is just me being outrageously biased). So I think it’s downright unfair to say that women cause these social illnesses.

To me, a woman shouldn’t just jump into the idea of a marriage for the sake of being married. These women can do so much more and they can provide for so much more. I know some people would ridicule me and say, “It’s easy for you to say. You’re married”. That’s just it. Being married the proper way is so much better than being married the Misyar way. So why dwell on Misyar marriages when you can enjoy a real marriage and that too includes polygamy marriages (kalau dah Qada’ dan Qadar, nak cakap apa, but I shall not dwell on that). If you engage yourself in a Misyar marriage, you’ll loose out. Unless of course you’re the type that couldn’t care less about love, emotional and financial support, then be it. It is after all an individual’s choice.

But a Misyar marriage may lead to potential problems along the way. What happens if the wife gets pregnant – as Misyar marriages, well in Saudi Arabia at least, it’s supposed to be of secrecy, what happens to the children of Misyar marriages, what happens if there’s a divorce – remember that the wives have given up their rights prior to the marriage. All these need to be thought of first before agreeing to a Misyar marriage.

There are enough problems with straightforward marriages, what with the increasing number of divorce cases in the syariah court, but Misyar marriages? Considering that wives have given up their rights in the marriage long before any problem starts brewing, what are the odds of these Misyar wives getting any settlement after the divorce of their marriages? After all, the odds of husbands leaving with no trail are something that the wives cannot dispute.

So tell me, who gains from a Misyar marriage?

Pictures Of Trip To PD

I sort of promised some pictures when we went to PD last month. Well, here they are.

My friends posing with their children, except for Lin. Too bad Liny takderlah masa ni.

This was the first time that Marsya was in the pool. She was excited giler. Screaming and shrieking. Punyerlah suka.

Of course that's my daughter grinning all over and very excited.

There's Bie and Marsya at the balcony. The view was very nice from the balcony.

That's me and Marsya at the balcony.

Hard To Let Go

I was having dinner last night at my parents’ house when my third brother, Ayon said, “Ayon akan pindah JB minggu depan”. I stopped eating and stared at him.

“You mean like pindah sana for good ker?”

“Pindah as in duduk kat sana”.

“You mean sewa rumah semua and balik Seremban hujung minggu jer?”

“Mula-mula tak sewa dulu. Duduk rumah kakak kawan Ayon. Then maybe carik bilik ker”.

“Do you know that the cost of living in JB is not cheap? Mahal tau. And nanti nak bayar sewa lagi, makan lagi, and goodness macam-macam lagi. Are you sure?”

“Sini susahlah Long. Seremban takder market. Puas Ayon ronda satu Seremban including Seremban 2, but bil telefon diorang setakat RM100 jer or if lebih pun sikit. Susah…”.

I kept quiet. “Tapi gaji tak tetap. Macamana nak survive in JB?”

“Ayon akan dapat komisen”.

“Setakat komisen, tapi tak tentu. Tak tetap. The point is, kau asyik buat semua ni dah dapat belum any income?”

“Kalau tak keja camner nak dapat duit”.

“Yeah I know. But meanwhile, your set up cost staying there, sapa bayar? Ayah?”

“Alah.. Ayon ada duit sikit”, he mumbled, eating his rice without looking at my face.

“Along tak taulah Yon. Susah hati Along kau nak ke sana. Takder duit ke nanti, how?”

“Susah Long kat sini. Kat JB market dia besar lagi. Budak-budak dia tak buat keje. KL pulak, competition banyak. So, Ayon rasa memang Ayon kena gi JB lah”.

I kept quiet. He was adamant to go to JB. I worry about him. He doesn’t have a fixed income job. How is he going to survive in JB? His eyes are only on the huge commission if he gets to lobby a proposal for a phone company. That is, if he succeeds in getting a project from that of a potential client. Otherwise, he’ll have nothing. I told him to continue his study. Do a degree. A diploma is SO NOT sufficient these days. But he didn’t want to. He said he pitied Ayah as he would have to pay for his education when Ayah also has to pay for Haikal’s. When I told him to get a proper job, he ignored me completely. He kept on talking about the huge commission he’s going to get if he gets a project.

I know that he’s 26 but in my mind I still see him as my younger brother. I still see him smiling from ear to ear sitting on Ibu’s lap or clinging to Ibu when he wanted something. He was the youngest and dimanjai oleh everyone, until Haikal came into the picture that is. Whatever it is, he’s my brother and I fear for him. Is it time for me to let go? [Sigh]… I don’t know. I just can’t seem to let go. Ni belum Haikal lagi ni.

“So Along balik tak minggu depan? Ayon nak pergi JB hari Ahad minggu depan”.

“Hhmm.. Along tak baliklah minggu depan Yon. This weekend kan dah balik. Why don’t you come to KL? Before pergi JB”.

“Tengoklah camner. Ayon balik weekend ke Seremban. Dalam dua minggu sekali. So kita jumpalah nanti”.

“Well, you are always welcome to visit me in KL before you go to JB”.

That night before leaving for KL, I woke him up to tell him that I was going home. He salam my hands and kissed them. I felt my eyes watery. I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to grab him and hug him tightly, to tell him to take care of himself in a big city such as JB. But Ayon and I…, well, we don’t do hugs. Unlike Haikal who would kiss my hands and both my cheeks whenever he salam me, and he’s already 18.

I pray that he’ll get lots of projects so that he’ll receive a huge amount of commission. I so badly want to see this thing work out for him. He deserves it. He truly deserves it… [sigh]… It’s so hard to let go…

Happy Week

When Maksu told me that she was going back to Taiping for the school holidays, I felt tired. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Maksu can go back to her kampung if she wishes to. After all, she still has Tok Wan (her father-in-law) and besides, she needs to take a break after taking care of the kids at home. But that would mean that I have to go back to Seremban and commute daily Seremban-KL. To tell you the truth, I love commuting from Seremban to KL and back. Why? Well, I don’t have to drive, Bie does. And my office is just off Sungai Besi, so I don’t have to go through such terrible traffic jam. Unfortunate for my dearest Bie, he has to face a couple of traffic jams in order to reach his office. However, with the price of petrol these days costing RM1.92 per litre, we would probably have to spend about RM250 for petrol, not to mention the tolls, which add up to RM86. And this is just for the week. Bie just felt that it would be financially constraining. So, the only thing, which we resorted to do, was borrow Bibik from Ibu.

So last Sunday when we went to Gambang to send my brother off to his college, Ayah brought Bibik along. But when he went back to Seremban that night, he left Bibik with us. Thus the week started with Bibik staying with me.

Mentally, I felt relieved. I am not only leaving Marsya in good hands (Insya Allah, so far Bibik nampak macam sayang jer dengan Marsya), but I am also leaving the house in good hands.

Last Monday, I was on leave as I needed to assist Bibik to get accustomed to the house. When I woke up, she had already mopped the floor and cleared my kitchen, like arranging things in the right order, getting rid of unwanted items and folding my plastic bags, which I have to admit; it’s not something that I am patient with. I don’t even have time to fold my own laundry, let alone plastic bags..!! But she did it. My shelf was cleaned from any dust and my picture frames too didn’t have any dust on them. So I went about doing my laundry and taught her how to use the washing machine, microwave and iron.

Bibik cooked and ironed the clothes. I took care of Marsya. I bathed her, fed her, and played with her. Bibik did all the other chores. When my dearest Bie got home that evening, he felt good too. Otherwise, he had to park his car at the LRT Wangsa Maju, take the LRT to Taman Jaya to meet me, and then go off to Maksu’s place. After dinner, we would drive back to our house and reach it at only 10pm; too tired to do anything else. So yes, he likes having Bibik around.

On Tuesday, I had to go back to work. But I called Bibik occasionally to query on Marsya. And that evening, when the clock struck 5.30pm, I was eager to go home. It has been such a long time since I reached my home while the sun was still in the sky. Bibik had already fed Marsya and my laundry had been sorted out. While I played with my daughter, Bibik went to the kitchen to cook dinner. I felt at ease. I wasn’t tired mentally as I had help in sorting out the house and my daughter while I was away.

Last night, I left Marsya with Bibik while I went to KLCC with my dearest Bie to see X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. We watched the 9.30pm show (really good… I loved it). When I got home, Marsya was already asleep.

Today is already Friday. Tomorrow, I have to bring Bibik back to Ibu. Next week is the beginning of the school term and the roads will be busy again. I have to go back to my daily routine; leave the house at 6.30am to send Marsya to Maksu’s place and in the later part of the day, reach home at 10pm, too tired to do anything else.

[Sigh]… oh well, what to do.

Bibik’s contract is expiring this October. She has expressed her interest to stay on. In fact, she has been receiving other offers from three parties who want her as their maids. Ibu does not want to renew her because Ibu is retiring early next year. And since my brothers no longer stay at home (except for Ayon), there’s nothing much that Bibik does. So Ibu is thinking of letting her go so that Bibik can stay with me and help me out. Hhmm.. something to think about.

Sports Carnival

On 27 May 2006, my company (well, the Group level) organized a Group Sports Carnival at Uniten, Kajang. At first I didn’t want to go because I was malas lah. I had wanted to stay at home and lazed in front of the tv. But because the girls’ volleyball team didn’t have enough players and they need reserves or else they’d be disqualified from the game, I reluctantly agreed to become their reserve. So, on the day before the carnival, I attended a practice session with the team.

However, let me be frank with you. I have NEVER played volleyball in my whole entire. I have never liked the game because I always ended up having bruises on my hands, wrists and arms. So, the practice session was the first volleyball game for me.

On Saturday, I made my way to Uniten. Well actually the volleyball game was at the Petronas sports center or some sort, which is near Uniten. As I had to be there by 8.30am, I drove like mad from Seremban to Petronas (about 130 to 140 km per hour – NOT good). I think my Wira pun macam nak collapse jer. The rumblings of the engine were very clear.

When I got to the court (outdoor mind you), I changed into my jersey and did a warming up session. It was fun. The boys played first. I had fun cheering them on. Then it was the girls’ turn to play. I thought I was going to be the reserve player, but Fizah wasn’t confident that she could serve so she asked me to be in the team. Aku pun apa lagi… (excited kan after the practice on Friday).

We won the first game. It was a wonderful feeling. Well, let’s just say that we played against a not-so-good team and that’s why we won. The other three games after that weren’t that great. We lost the second and third game. But as for the forth game, we went onto the rubber set (which wasn’t bad considering that everyone was tired at that time). Because it was blazing hot on Saturday AND because I forgot to apply my sun block, my face and arms, particularly my nose, were shining red..!! Not just mine, everybody had flaming red faces. I was sun burnt. I hate it, but what to do. The skin was already burnt so I just have to go through the painful and itchy process of skin peeling. I was aware of that.

The boys didn’t have much luck. They didn’t win any game. But they did put up a good fight so that was good enough.

Apart from the games, I had fun just hanging out with my colleagues and friends. We chatted, laughed and talked. I even had the chance to mingle with a new staff, a not so bad looking guy (the only good looking guy near our hanging out place) who had just joined our Sales & Marketing department in Johor. He was being extra friendly with me. And I wasn’t looking my pretty that day. Shucks..!! Before you get any ideas, kawan jerlah..!! He was nice and he wanted to show me some pointers, so I accept jerlah. Takkan nak halau dia kot.

At about 5.30pm when we have no more games to play, we did a warm down exercise. It was good. I thought I was going to be so lepek on Sunday but the warm down exercise helped a lot. I was actually quite all right on Sunday. And so were my other volleyball mates.

The sports carnival was actually fun. And I actually enjoyed volleyball, much to my surprise. I even want to maintain this team we have and continue to practice volleyball; all the necessary skills and knowledge so that we can win next year. Go VOLLEY..!!