Family

An ideal young family at this point in time includes a mother, a father, a daughter and a son. And I have to admit that I have the ideal family, at this point in time. But that does not stop me from wanting to have more. In fact, I want two more children, hopefully another boy and another girl. And I think, that would be sufficient for me. I’d love to have more, but giving birth is a frightening and painful experience, and I don’t think I’d like to face a fifth birthing experience, unless of course God still wants to bestow me with more children. But of course now is not the time. Raqib is still breastfeeding and I don’t want to break him from that privilege.

My daughter Marsya is a very chatty young girl. I am potty-training her as we speak. We even bought that toilet seat thingy so that she could feel comfortable poo-pooing in the toilet, but alas, she refuses to utilize the toilet seat thingy. Doing the small thing is not much of an issue, but doing the big thing, she would always insist on wearing the diaper. And she would refuse to poo-poo UNLESS she is wearing a diaper. Oh well, it’s a start I suppose. Luckily the maid is around to help her whenever she has to go to the toilet.

My son Raqib is quite a handful these days. He is very lasak. He is now 13 months. But, he still can’t walk yet. He can stand up, balancing on his two little feet, but whenever he has to take a step, he would always shy away from it and refuses to walk on his own. But oh my God, he is a magnificent climber. He can climb just almost anything if given the chance. The stairs at my in-laws’ have already been conquered, and the sofa at the house is peanuts for him. And he also knows how to be jealous. Whenever he sees Marsya with me, he would crawl quickly towards me and climb up me, pushing his sister away in the process. And I would have two small children crying for my attention, both also sitting on my lap. Tiring? Yes.. very. But the minute he smiles me showing his two small teeth at the bottom, the tiredness somehow disappears. Well, temporarily at least.

Elizabeth Stone once said and I quote, “Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body”.

My dearest Bie is a sore eyesight these days. He looks older (I have no complain there. I have always wanted him to look older than me, NOT my age). I suppose it’s all the ‘running around’. And the stressful days he’s been having. And the stress at knowing that some of the proposals he’s proposing were hijacked by certain unscrupulous individuals. Listening to his stories make me so mad. I just can’t stand how some people can be very unethical. Well, he is in my prayers forever.

George Santayana (The Life of Reason) said, “The family is one of nature's masterpieces”, and I agree with him. I don’t think I can live without my hubby and children by my side. Thank you…

New Haircut

Coz I have been feeling a bit lousy these days, the first thing I did before I got back last night was to get a haircut. So while waiting for my dearest Bie to fetch me, I made my way downstairs to the usual hair salon. The one that I usually frequented was already closed. Shucks.. I really need a haircut. So I went to the Japanese hair salon. People don’t usually go there coz it’s a little expensive. But I didn’t care. I just want them to chop off my hair. So I went in and was immediately ushered to the chair. Then the shampoo girl brought me a few magazines to read. I saw Cleo and a few others. So I resorted to reading Cleo.

About five minutes of waiting, the stylist came to see me. He had blonde spiky hair and a pair of ear studs on both ears. He pulled up a stool and sat behind me.

Him : So how do you want to cut it?

Me : I don’t know. I’m not really sure how I want to cut it. What do you think?

Him : Do you still want it to be long?

Me : Hhmm.. not really. I want it short. In fact, I want it to be Posh Spice short.

Him : Huh? Who?

Me : Posh Spice lar.. Victoria Beckham short.

Him : Oohh.. That’s really short. Bob style?

Me : I suppose. But I do not want you to touch the hair at the front. Leave that long. But the back, yes. Please cut it short. I don’t mind.

Him : So you want it short, huh?

Me : Yupp. Just cut it short.

Him : Ok. Not many people want their hair to be short.

Me : Well, I want my hair to be short. So just cut it.

Him : You’re Malay right?

Me : Yes.. why?

Him : No, it’s because your hair’s very straight. Is this natural straight?

Me : Yupp. Natural. I don’t go for rebonding technique or anything.

Him : Then you’re lucky. Straight hair is good for experimenting haircuts.

Me : Then go ahead and do your stuff. My hair is in your hands.

And that’s how I cut my hair. Short.

My homies were excited when I told them that I had my hair cut. Both were also not keen at the idea that my hair was about to be chopped off. So they immediately wanted to see me. And they did. And they liked it.

I got home. No one seemed to realize that my hair is shorter but suddenly, my daughter, Marsya looked at me closely. She smiled and…

Marsya : Umi gunting rambut

Me : Mana ada.

Marsya : Iyer. Rambut Umi dah pendek.

Me : No. Mana ada Umi gunting rambut.

Marsya : Nie dah pendek. Kenapa Umi gunting rambut (while touching my hair)

Me : Sajer jer. Cantik tak?

Marsya : Cantik. Kak Long pun nak gunting rambut. Rambut Kak Long dah panjang (and I beamed at her proudly. She noticed that my hair was different)

Somehow I see Marsya being me each day. Just the other day, she asked me to buy her slippers which looked like mine. Mine was a high-heel golden sandal. And she seemed to like it. And she asked me to get her a pair. She even saved up RM1.00 (courtesy of her Atok i.e. my Ayah) just so that she can buy the slipper. Talk about like mother like daughter.

Anyway, so there.. my hair is shorter, but I feel GREAT. And I think I look good too (no one else would compliment me, so might as well I compliment myself).

Here’s to a great week ahead.

Feeling Slightly Better

I didn’t know I have such an impact on people. I thought I was insignificant. Well, not that insignificant, but I thought, if I was feeling down, people wouldn’t notice it. But I was wrong. And I didn’t expect that people would actually be concerned.

Yesterday was the beginning of the uplifting spirit. I guess seeing my daughter for the first time in a week was really a refresher. I didn’t know that I could really miss her so much. When I walked through the door, and I saw her lying in front of the TV, and she looked up and saw that it was me who just entered, the greeting that I got from her was priceless. Her face was so happy to see me. She immediately got up and ran to hug me, smiling from ear to ear. I hugged her. Long. I kissed her cheeks, her eyes, and smelt her hair. And I didn’t let her go for quite a while. It was good. And listening to her stories on what she had been doing was very entertaining. I pray to Allah for a healthy long life so that I can see her grow up into a wonderful woman.

So yeah, Marsya’s impact was one of the things which made me feel better. And I think my dearest Bie even noticed that.

Then, a dear friend, sent a short email asking what was wrong with me, and why was it that I wasn’t as ‘ceria’ or happy as always. He was concerned because he had never seen me feeling down before. He even wanted to lend his ears to me should I want to talk. I thanked him and told him that I was fine, and that I will definitely consider him should I need to talk or anything.

And later during the day, I received a Season’s greeting card which read something like this:

“Too late for a New Year greeting… sorry we don’t have a proper CD casing.. just recycle what we have J. Enclosed is the CD / IB Blueprint which you’ve requested. Cheers, Steven”.

The funny bit was that Steven drew a ‘mudah pecah’ i.e. fragile symbol which shows a broken wine glass on the envelope. That really made me smile. The people sitting near my table was curious, wanting to know what it was that I had received. Thanks, Steven.

And on top of that, Bie took me to the movies. It had been ages since I went to the movies, the last being The Jumper. We went to see Iron Man. Yeah, I know that Iron Man has been out for ages. But for people like me who do not have the luxury to watch a new movie every time it came out (kids, logistics, etc), I looked forward to see the movie. Hhmm.. I remember the time when I never missed any new movie that came out. I didn’t have any kid at that time. I went to see ALL new movies that were released. I even watched Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Ghem AT the movies. Hehehehe..

But I like Iron Man. I like it that Robert Downey Jr played Tony Starks. He put humour in his character which was SO him. How do I know this? Because I have seen his other comedy movies, and I think he is very talented. I used to think he’s a handsome guy (though he’s short.. handsome guys are always short. Look at Tom Cruise. I guess you can’t have everything). And he beefed up his body too for the role. He had a very nice body in that movie.

And I also had a talk with my immediate supervisor this morning. I nearly broke down and cry (it was long coming. I guess because I have been bottling up the depression in my chest for more than a week now so when anyone spoke on touchy subject, I would have tears at the brim of my eyes, but the tears never fell – I had to control them coz I didn’t want to him to see me crying) or so when we talked about my salary adjustment which was actually quite little, and he was upset that the HR did not say or notify him on the matter since he was the one who recommended me for the salary adjustment. He even asked me whether I was going to accept that job offer. I told him I don’t know. But it was good that we had that talk. It made me feel better coz I was really feeling like crap last week.

So all these rolled into one made me slightly better this week, well starting from yesterday. And I hope to keep the momentum going. I really do.

Feeling So Down Today

I woke up this morning and felt upset. I don’t know why. For no apparent reason, I am depressed. In fact, I have been like this for the past few days and it’s worrying me. I nearly skipped lunch with the rest of my colleagues two days ago because I didn’t feel like eating with them. And we were actually celebrating a friend’s birthday. I didn’t feel like having fun, chit-chatting or talk to people even. I don’t know why I have been feeling this. I never feel this sort of feeling. Well, very rarely.

I guess it’s got to do with a lot of things. First and foremost, I guess it’s because I’m having my PMS. It’s the second time since I gave birth a year ago (oh my God.. that reminds me, I haven’t upload a story on my Raqib’s FIRST birthday!! What kind of a mother am I? I did a short story on Marsya, but not for Raqib.. I promise I’ll do a special one for him soon).

Then I suppose is because I am missing Marsya so much. She’s in Taiping at the moment with Maksu. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would either be playing outside, or sleeping. So, I couldn’t really speak with her. I guess it made me irritated to learn that she enjoys herself when she is with Maksu and family, rather than when she’s with me. I’m supposed to be her mother. She’s supposed to enjoy spending time with me. But no, it seems like she enjoys spending her time with Maksu. I think it got to me. I can’t bring her to the funfair, nor can I bring her to picnics or waterfalls. Heck, I haven’t even been bringing her to the pool, and that pool is just a few steps away from my house. If you stand at the balcony, you can see the pool. I simply do not have the time (I know.. lousy excuse). Arrgghh..

Then of course it’s Bie. I know I have been saying this over and over again. But I am tired. I am tired of having to worry financially, or whether my money is able to cover several essential expenses. And whether I have enough to pay for certain leisures and pampering (I need a break. I am in desperate need of a break). I can’t rely on him. His money is to cover for the house and few bills. I can’t count him to pay the groceries, the kid’s expenses, tolls, petrol, etc, etc. Sometimes he pays for them. Then I get worried. Does he have any money? Will he be able to pay for the house next month? Now that he’s paying, does he already have money in his pockets or are they just a one-off kind of thing? He paid for that, but why is he claiming certain expenses from me; is he running out of money? You see, I’m just worried. I don’t know how long more I have to play this guessing game. Or ask him, “Do you have money?” or “Have you got enough money?” or “You sure you’ve got money?”. I don’t want to burden him with these questions coz I know that he’ll get mad at me. I know that he’s trying to tie a few deals, but there’s just no knowing when he’s going to get paid. And if he does get paid, I’m just not sure whether the pay is enough. Because sometimes I think he has the money, but he still asks me to pay for certain stuff, which clearly indicates that he’s not getting enough and still cannot provide for me and family, financially. I am tired of waiting for the big break. But I have to. I have to be brave for the kids, for my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, my aunts and my friends. I have to show them that I’m ok with this, and that I am supportive of Bie all the way. So I can’t complain to them. I can’t complain to anyone. I have to show them that I’m capable. I have to show them that whatever happens, my family can rely on me. I have the money. I don’t like charity. And I don’t like it when sometimes Ayah pays for certain things. If I have the money, I’ll definitely pay him back. And that’s what I have been doing so far. Even if I borrow for him, I always pay him back. Now I’m depressed.

Then it’s this stupid hike in petrol price. I don’t even want to go there. It makes me even mad.

I just hope that this feeling will go away soon. Tomorrow Marsya is coming home. I can’t wait to see her. I miss her so much.

Disappointed A Bit

I am disappointed at a lot of things today. It all began last night when suddenly the PM announced that there’d be an increase in the petrol price. The roads were badly congested yesterday after work. One was because it was raining, the other was because everyone was lining up their cars to the nearest petrol station to fill in their petrol tanks at the previous price i.e. RM1.92 per litre, because the new price is RM2.70 per litre. An increase of about 40 percent compared to the old price.

What I hate about this is because, an increase in petrol price will lead to an increase of MANY goods and services. And of course lead to an inflationary effect. I learnt this in Economics once and I had never expected to be actually applying all those theories I learnt into practice today. It’s all just so horrible. The PM isn’t affected by this. Nor are his ministers. They have petrol cards provided by their offices. So they can just fill in their tanks without having to worry how much they’re supposed to pay because.. it’s simply being paid for BY the government (using tax payers’ monies, I assume). They do not face the pressures of having to pay petrol.

Now everything is going to increase. Gas, food, even the curry puff you have for breakfast. It’s just annoying. And sad. Imagine me complaining about this. And imagine someone with lesser household income. Lagi kasihan, you know. Yes the PM said that he’ll put a curb on the food prices, but it’s easier said than done. He’s not the one who will actually monitor and check each shopping outlet to control the price of foods.

I know that the government can’t do much about this, as this relates to the world’s price, but deep down inside, I still feel that the government should have been more creative in trying to give back to the people. Find creative ways so that the people do not feel too burdened by this. I mean, they have their own think-tanks right. I’m sure they must be something that they can offer.

I am just so disappointed. And this morning, the stock market has gone down (a bit) and analysts are expecting inflation and rising interest rates. I still have some stocks to dispose. Should I be disposing them now? It makes me wonder why I hadn’t disposed them a lot sooner. Hhmm.. no rezeki.

And today, just before lunch today was my emcee audition. I was the only participant that prepared the third script aka the optional script. Others used the scripts furnished by the organizer. I guess I wanted to be different. I wanted to run away from the normal, boring stuff of emcee-ing annual dinner, or signing of MoUs. So, I did the first two mandatory scripts, and for the optional script, I emulated the MTV Asia Music Awards. I co-hosted the show with Jared Leto.

Unfortunately, Mrs Dee was not too keen on my presentation. She felt that I should be more corporate, or at least combine my passion shown as the presenter of the MTV Asia Music Awards with the two (boring) scripts given by them. So much of wanting to be creative. The other judges were okay. The members of the floor also liked my presentation. But I had wanted to impress Mrs Dee, the Director of the Group Corporate Communication. And I guess I could not quite make it. Oh well, it could just be me. Mrs Dee was only doing her job. I guess I was expecting too much from the judges. Hhmm.. mental note: You can’t impress EVERYONE.

So, combining with the effect of the rise in petrol price, and the comments by Mrs Dee, now I am feeling like s*#t… Being a bit over the top, aren’t I? Aarrgghhss… stupid increase in petrol price. Where were the promises to reduce petrol / oil price? I remember one of the opposition party’s manifests was to reduce the petrol price. Where are those promises now? Nowehere... they’re just a bunch of liars, like anyone else are during the before election-period. I hate that. Taking the people for a ride.

You know what? I have to stop here. I’m not very nice when I’m feeling like this. Till later, ok.

Can I Still Look Hot?

Marsya isn’t here this week. She followed Maksu back to Taiping. At first, I was reluctant to let her go. I mean, I’d not be able to see her for ONE WHOLE WEEK. I’d miss her terribly. But she kept telling Maksu that she wanted to balik kampong and see Tok Nyang (Maksu’s father-in-law), ducks and chickens. She wanted to ride on the bicycle. So my heart softened. I let her go. But last Friday, I had a bonding session with her. I took her to Sunway Pyramid to buy her new shoes. And yes, she is exactly like me when it comes to shoes. She LOVES them. Hehehehe.. she tried ALL the shoes she saw on the rack (her size) and even proceeded on trying a pair of boots. And when we got to the adult shoe store, she kept on throwing all sorts of shoes for me to try on. It was fun. I could see ourselves in the future giving tips on the sort of shoes we should buy. A long way to go still, but it’s nice to think about it. Insya-Allah…

Which boils down to the next question… do you think I’m HOT? Hehehehe.. lately I don’t know why, but I feel that I’m hot. Call me perasan, but though I have two kids, I feel that I can still make heads turn. Some of my friends like to drop names like, ‘Hot Mama’ and all, to me. Calling me like that actually boosted my confidence to a higher level. I don’t feel ugly. I don’t feel fat (though I know I’ve got stuff clinging to my legs and butts called ‘fat’) I just feel that I am still hot. Oh gosh, what am I saying..??

I love high heel shoes. I like skirts (I’m trying to reduce wearing them, but give me time. At least I don’t buy new skirts anymore) and I love looking good. I’m not saying that I look drop dead georgous in them (I know my limits; I’m no Maya Karin), but I do feel good. So yes the butt part has expanded a bit these days and so have the upper part (I have to be frank don’t I) but there are ways of dressing to cover those areas. And if you have them, just flaunt them. Hehehehe..

But I still cover where I think should be covered. I try not to wear tight-fitting clothes, and revealing or plunging necklines. After all, I do have my dearest Bie to think about. I am still his wife, and I have to respect him. And my duty to the One goes without saying. Nonetheless, I am lucky that he doesn’t force me to wear head scarves or tudung after we got married. Though his mother has been harping on it for quite a while, he has never practiced his authority to enforce me to wear the tudung. I am thankful for that, unlike other husbands I know.

I know it’s not good to look extra hot when you’re married with kids and all. It’s for fear of inviting unnecessary attention to yourself. But I guess if you know what matters most, then I’m sure you will not indulge in immoral activities, right. I mean, you have the children to think about. And of course your husband. Not to mention that it’s kind a sinful (I’m not perfect here, but if possible, we wouldn’t want to open many ‘holes’ coz it would just be too many to cover. Dah tak pakai tudung tu is one ‘hole’ already. So don’t create more ‘holes’. Do you know what I mean here?

I know of someone who’s reaching 40 in two years’ time but still is one very hot mama (she has FIVE kids by the way). She wears the tudung thought (light scarf) and wears really modern clothings. Long skirts with high-heeled boots. Platform shoes with flared pants; really good. And she is pretty as well. The not so nice one is that, we feel that the young man who has been accompanying her is not her husband and that he was (or is) her boyfriend. At first we felt like giving him the benefit of the doubt. But their lovey-dovey actions were just too much for us to bear. A friend even caught them hugging (it was a spur kind of moment thing and everybody was rejoicing happily). I felt bad. I wish she hadn’t done that. In fact, I wish she wasn’t that bold. But she was. They acted like they were a couple, in front of everyone.

Now, I pray to God that I will not be like that. I love Bie and my children too much. But I guess when you’re at that age, you just get bored especially if you’ve been married a long time and your marriage life seems to have lost its entire sparks. Kind a scary isn’t it. So when another man shows an interest in you, of course you like it. And you tend to participate in the illicit affair even when you know that you shouldn’t, because it’s all just exciting. God forbids..

However, I do love the idea of being a Hot Mama. And I do love being labeled as one. But I fear that later in life, without realizing it, I may go overboard. Scary isn’t it. Yes I can say that I’ll never do that to my family, but a few years down the road, you just never know. But for now, I am just going to enjoy being one Hot Mama..