Clarity of the Mind

It’s been awhile since I uploaded any story on the blog. I have to admit that I haven’t been feeling very good for the last two months or so. I was depressed, sad, frustrated with a lot of things, and was always in the gloomy mood. Things haven’t been rosy for me.

There were arguments with my dearest Bie that opened up a lot of things which I didn’t know actually existed in me. I guess that was the maximum that I could take. I had been bottling up the depression, the sadness and the frustration for a year and a half, and I suppose I was just waiting to break down. I didn’t want to. I thought I was strong and could resist any hardship or tidal wave that came my way. But I guess I was wrong. I wasn’t as strong as I projected myself to be. I’d like to believe that, but I’m not. I guess you can’t be strong forever. There are times that even the strongest of them all will break down. During these times, faith, patience and love play very important roles.

And work wasn’t helping also. Remember the so-called salary adjustment? Need I say more?

The short holiday with the family to Terengganu helped a little. I was so looking forward to it. All of us went there. My brother and his wife, my kids and my dearest Bie, my parents and my two younger brothers. We went to Sutra Beach Resort, a little resort located in the Merang area in Terengganu. I was irritated because the distance was far. It was on the way to Kota Bharu for goodness sake. And it took us about eight hours to reach there (we stopped a couple of times, coz one needs to use the bathroom for emergency purposes.. hehehe) and got lost in Kuala Terengganu (I was surprised that there is a Mydin Mall there.. impressive indeed). So when we finally reached Sutra Beach Resort, my kids were cranky. Heck, I myself was cranky. I couldn’t wait to lie on the bed and rest.

The place was relaxing. Our rooms were on the second floor, facing the sea. I love the sea. It was calm, clear and beautiful. Marsya as usual couldn’t wait to get into the pool. We had to tell her nicely that we’d go swimming the next morning.

After we unpacked, we went out to look for food. And surprisingly, there were not many shops. The one shop that we stopped at only sold roti canai. So, we went back to the resort and had our dinner there (food not so nice though.. or maybe coz I was just so tired). After dinner, we went to our rooms and slept soundly.

The next morning, I woke up naturally. No alarm clock. I wanted to see the sunrise. The minute I woke up, Raqib got up. I guess he couldn’t feel my warm body next to his. So I took him to the balcony, and sat there waiting for the sun to come out. It was beautiful. The sky was red and orange in colour. The horizon at first looked very dark but suddenly lit up, looking very light in the distance. It was breathtaking. And the best part was that, Ayah was also sitting down at his balcony which was just next door looking out into the sea, and my brother Angah, was also on his balcony (which was on my right; Ayah’s was on my left) savouring the morning sun. We waited until the sun was up, then we got ready for breakfast.

I didn’t bathe. In fact, all my family (me, Bie and kids) didn’t bathe, except for Raqib who had already pooh-poohed that morning. Food was ok. The roti canai was nice. It was funny to see the lounge singer (he sang at night) cooking roti canai during the day. But he has a really good voice, and seemed like a talented musician.

After breakfast, everyone got into the pool. Bie, myself, Marsya, Raqib (yeah he did.. and he enjoyed it tremendously), Angah and Acik. It was fun swimming with the family. After spending an hour in the pool, we went back to our rooms. My kids by then were already asleep. Ayah, Bie and Acik went out to look for lunch. We all ate in our parents’ room (we couldn’t believe at how cheap the foods were), on the balcony. It was warm outside. The wind was blowing nicely and it was very relaxing.

That evening, we went to Kuala Terengganu coz my parents wanted to send Acik off. Acik had to register the next day at his college in Melaka for a new semester.

The next day, after breakfast and a few laps in the pool (yeah.. Marsya wanted to swim.. again), we packed our things, ready to go home. We stopped at Kuala Terengganu coz Ibu wanted to go to Pasar Payang. After that, we went to buy some keropok in Losong. At about 4.00pm, we headed back south to Kuala Lumpur, making a stop at Bentong for dinner at Angah’s in-laws’ place.

And that marked the end of the holiday in Terengganu. I had wanted to extend another day, but I had training on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ayah too got called from the university. He was to start his lecture the same Monday. Oh well. But I slept in and came late for the training. I was tired and sleepy.

The training was called Fourth Wave Competency Intelligence Development. It was the first module from a set of four. I went to the training completely unaware of the sort of impact it would have on me. Little did I know, the training was going to affect me... more than I ever thought it could.

The training opened my eyes to a lot of things. It gave me the clarity of the mind that I have been looking for. I perceive things in a completely different manner compared to before. I began to discover the cause of my depression and frustration. The answer was there all along, and the training actually got it out of my system. For the first time in a long time, I began to see things clearly. I understood the root of the problem. I understood why I acted the way I did. It was hard to believe that just a couple of days ago, I was this bitter lady, full of resentment and frustration and always perceiving everything negatively. If only I could describe the way that I feel after I attended the training. I felt like someone just pulled me out from a very deep hole and for the first time in a long time, I could breathe fresh air. It was a wonderful feeling. I felt strong. I felt positive energy radiate from my inner self, reflecting shiningly on my soul and body. I just felt like a whole new person, and it is a wonderful feeling.

I am thankful that the training came in just at the right moment. Allah does works in mysterious ways. I see things positively now. I am also happier. Gone are the clouds of depression. It really helped me in my relationship with my dearest Bie. I understand him now. I understand his aspirations, his desires and his visions. I thought I was already giving him a lot of support, but in truth, I didn’t. Yes, financially I gave him all the support that he needed, but emotionally… I just wasn’t there. I haven’t been giving him the emotional support that he needed. He had pointed it out to me at one time.. quite some time ago, but I refused to accept what he said. I mean, I had been supporting him. Couldn’t he see that? How ungrateful of him for saying that I haven’t been supporting him. And my God, how wrong I was. Allah has certainly opened my eyes to the truth, and I can’t thank Him enough.

So now I am very positive. I am learning to emotionally support my dearest Bie. I love him too much not to support him. And I can’t believe how my perception of things have changed over the three days of training that I attended. It’s all just so wonderful.

I learnt that if you put your mind to it, it will come true. You’d be impressed at the power of our minds and how it can create changes for us. So, my next action is to plan for that New Zealand holiday. My dearest Pah has already encouraged me to start an action plan on this holiday to New Zealand. The hotel that I’ll be staying at, the places that I will go to. I believe that we will go to New Zealand and visit the Lord of the Ring site very soon. So I better start working on that.

So today, I am a much better person. I am positive and I look forward to positive developments in the future. Let’s hope that I’ll not be uploading anymore depressing stories in the near future.