Sleepy After Lunch

I just had a HEAVY lunch. An Aussie Beef Burger at this shop called Chillies Espresso at Sooka Sentral. And OMG, I am full to the max! Alhamdulillah. I actually forced a dear colleague of mine to treat for me lunch because he recently got a promotion. I think it’s only fair because I deemed it as fair. All is right in my world, I suppose. And now I am sleepy. Very sleepy that I had to make coffee just so that I don’t doze off. And I suddenly feel that all my clothes are tight. Well, my pants here for 10 years are also feeling tight about my waist. An indication also that I have put on [sigh]…. Oh well. What can you do.

I am actually guilty of not updating the blog. It’s been ages and ages, but I just seem to not be able to find a time to update any story. When for actual fact, I’ve got LOADS to tell (listening to Paula Abdul’s Rush Rush at the moment – I love this song and I even love the video clip coz it featured Keanu Reeves during his younger days. Yeah.. I am sucker for Keanu Reeves). But I guess I’ll just have to find a time to write them. You know, just share my thoughts.

The one thing which I am so inclined to share with the rest of the world is the request to abolish PTPTN and give education free, I guess from primary to tertiary education. I’m all up for that, but who’s going to fund it? Don’t expect a taxpayer like me to fund it when I’ve got other things to pay. But just talking about study loan, I had such loan for my tertiary education. And I was requested to pay the amount, about RM46k of it in my second year of joining the labour market. But I paid. Every month without missing a payment. I believe that if I pay my part, the money that I pay will get the chance to be used on other students who need them. So I don’t mind. To me, what goes round comes around. I was blessed enough to have had the loan offered to me, and I suppose that this is the time for me to give it back. Not to say that I have a big fat paycheck every month, which I don’t, but I just feel that it’s something which I must do. And after 10 years of paying, with no glitch, thanks to Ayah who made sure that I don’t miss any payment… Alhamdulillah, my final installment will be paid Insya Allah in July 2012. And that marks the end of my study loan.

To me, I’m fine with the PTPTN loan, but of course I think they shouldn’t charge any interest so I think the government should do away with the interest-admin charges. And to those who are asking to abolish the PTPTN loan, come on lah. It isn’t much to pay. Just think of the upside. How the repayment can help others who need them. Not all of us come from rich families (well, I don’t) and things like the PTPTN is so much better than bank study loans.

Well, those are my thoughts anyway.

Kepimpinan Melalui Teladan

I had a rude encounter this morning with a very terrible driver. I was sending Marsya to school. We were late so the back gate was already closed. So Bie went to the front gate where most of the traffic was coz that’s the main gate that parents sent their kids to. After dropping Marsya off (luckily the prefects were not out yet, so she didn’t get her name written like yesterday), we wanted to drive away but we couldnt because our way was blocked by this car. The thing is, this driver was blocking our way. But because he didn’t want to queue up like all the other cars, he resorted to the most simple thing that his pathetic mind could think of, which I think was very selfish, he stopped his car on my side of the road, preventing me from moving. I actually had to wait for the driver to get his kids off the car. I was mad. Really mad. And of course, I showed the hands gestures. Not rude swear gestures, but told him to move coz this is my way and I want to drive off. But he wouldn’t move. He kept his engine on and made signs in his car asking us to move!! I mean, COME ON..!! It’s my bloody way. Even if I go to the police, the police would say that I was correct. I had really wanted to get off the car to tell him off. But Bie did the noble thing and relented. He swerved the car to the other side of the road and got back into our side of the road leaving the sick car there. And all the while, he was waving his arms about in the car, obviously mad at us for a mistake that he did. It was OUR side of the road. Queue up like the others. But no, for reasons that are obvious selfish, he wouldn’t budge. Silly, sick man.

That made me really frustrated. How are we going to teach our children positive values if the parents themselves are not doing it? And it’s sad that there are many parents like that out there right now. Their everyday actions are being watched by their children and later on, their children will also do that, thinking that, that is the right thing to do. I’m not saying that we’re perfect, but we try our best to instill good and positive values in our children. Things like saying thank you for every little thing, be it at the person who is holding the door out for them or the cashier whom we just gave our money to. We teach them not to be selfish and to always queue up and wait for their turn to use or play the slides. Not push and simply cut queue. But other parents do not teach that. And it is apparent sometimes when at playgrounds, these kids just move their way to the front and cut queue without feeling any guilt or remorse. Who do we blame when that happens? Shouldn’t we be instilling these values first so that our children can emulate and instill them in their lives? Shouldn’t we ‘walk the talk’? It’s just so frustrating. And it’s a Friday morning. And I think I am looking fabulous in my new Punjabi suit. Yeah [smiling…], I am wearing a Punjabi suit today. And I like it. I think I look great, well at least to my eyes, who cares what others think. And I am not going to let what happened this morning to affect how good I feel about myself today.

It was A Litte Weird

I had lunch with my old gang today. It’s our state-of-the-art culinary friends, if you can call it that. We used to have lunch at fancy places, comment on the food and services and just do stuff, you know. I was even supposed to come up with s scrap book on all the places that we went to. I always looked forward to these lunches because apart from enjoying the food, I also get to enjoy the company. Today’s lunch was actually just a meet-up. Nothing fancy, but just a meet-up to see old friends and chit-chat.

I was late because I had a meeting with a potential investor. So naturally, I had to make a grand entrance. Sitting with that familiar crowd is somehow very strange for me. It felt weird. I acted normal, alright. At first I didn’t know how to react. What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? Just say the normal courtesy hi? What? I don’t know. All I know is that it felt weird. Really weird. I know it had to happen sometime. If not today, it would probably happen at other times. MIRA workshops maybe, or Invest Malaysia. But the bottom line is that, it is bound to happen. And I have to face it someday. And there he was sitting across of me looking uncomfortable and suddenly out of place. Like I said, I tried to act normal, but I just couldn’t. But being a good actress that I am, I acted like its nothing. I didn’t have to talk to him. There were other people I could talk to. And I guess that helped.

Looking back at it, the lunch I mean, I felt sad. Sad that I somehow cannot bridge the gap. The feeling is there. It’s not hatred, but it’s just this hidden feeling, gnawing at the back of your head, knowing that things will never be the same again. I don’t hate him. I don’t. Hate is such a strong negative word. But there is this wall between us. And this imaginary wall will continue to be there for a long time yet. And that made me feel sad. We were close. Very close. I could just call him up and talk nonsense about anything. But now, there’s just no more of that. It doesn’t work that way anymore. I couldn’t do that anymore. I don’t know about him; whether he shares my sentiment, but that is what I feel at the moment. And I know that this is the type of feeling that doesn’t go away readily. Kind of sad, eh?

[sigh]… oh well. Life has to go on. This feeling will probably disappear with time. But by that time, I have a feeling that it’d be a bit difficult to bridge the gap. Things will not be the same. But what can you do. I have my life and he has his. Work will always be work. And friends come and go. True friends will stay, though. And at this point in time, I don’t know.

Come 2012

I know it’s a bit too late to wish Happy New Year to everyone, but I have been tied up with a lot of things. It’s a lot of headaches. Work, home, kids… you name it. Everything under the sun. But I am not going to dwell on those items at the moment. All I want to share with you is how great it is to be alive today on this ‘bumi bertuah’. Without realizing it, I am already in my 30s (not sharing where in my 30s because, face it, I hate admitting my age to anyone, let alone the whole world) and I have three kids. One aged 7, the other turning 5 this year and the youngest will be turning 1 next month. Time sure does fly fast. And I am drawn to an email I received and read recently on people’s different perception of time. Some see it as very long and very dragging, but others just seem to sail through it fast. And how very true that is.

I am hoping that 2012 will be a good year for me and the family. I pray that whatever ventures that Bie is working on will be fruitful. He has so much passion and very highly driven. I hate to see that fiery passion die down just like that. I think he deserves much more. He has ideas and can be innovative, but… hey, it’s the business world. You win some, you lose some. It’s frustrating to read about your ideas and brainchild in the newspaper, knowing just several months back, you gave a similar proposal to someone who you can trust, hoping that YOU can initiate the idea on ground. But alas, what is not meant to be, is just not meant to be. Allah says it’s not time yet, so he waits. Although I do fear that he will become grouchy and frustrated with the whole thing, but Allah has certainly given him a very strong heart and a very tough perseverance quality. And it’s been 5 years now. 5 tough years, but we wait. And pray. And hope that good will cross our paths. And like any other beginning of the year, I hope that this is the year. A year that the light at the end of the tunnel is not merely a flicker in the horizon but something bright for all to see, Insya Allah.

I also vow to update my blog on a frequent basis… (yeah, like I’ve heard that before). But a resolution is nonetheless a resolution. So I will try. My best. So don’t hope anymore long updates for me. Frequent means shorter. Unless I need to steam out certain things, then trust me, that update will be a very long one. But I will try to lessen complaints and update more happening events, like the visit to Pusat Sains Negara with the kids and conversing with Actroid, Malaysia’s 1^st robot (from Japan though), very life-like and beautiful. Of course that’s only the first version. The ones they use in Japan is a lot better-looking. Or the time that I took my parents to The Curve to buy a stroller for Ayin’s baby. Yeah, my brother just had another baby boy last month. He wanted a girl, but he got a boy instead. So I guess he’ll keep on trying. But I love Haffy. He is a handsome baby. We were at the The Curve during the CNY break and the parking space was practically empty. We could actually choose where we want to park the car. How cool was that. Or the time where I first sent Marsya to school. She’s in Standard 1 now. Can you imagine that? 7 years ago she was just a wee tiny baby. A lot of drama (for her Umi) and definitely a completely new experience. And many more. So yes, this year I am going to go all positive. Yeah to Ija..!!

This Is For YOU Aboo

Aboo, a dear friend during my PPP/ITM years, seems to be a fan of my blog (hehehehe… Boo, can I say that?). Whenever I haven’t updated my blog (which seems a lot these days), Aboo will be dropping me an email, wondering where I have been and asking why I haven’t been updating my blog. Well, Aboo, I have been VERY busy. It’s like whenever work at the office finishes, work at home begins. And it’s a full cycle. Never ending. So I am spared very little time to pen down any thought at all on my blog. Although I have to admit that I have mixed feelings of everything at the moment which needs to be unleashed, I just haven’t been able to put it down in writing. It’s all in my head, floating, not really going anywhere. Kind a sad isn’t it. Well, this is for you [hugs].

Life at the moment for me, isn’t great. But please don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love my family. And my daughter continuously on a daily basis reminds me to be thankful to Allah. She just learnt the concept of ‘bersyukur’ at her school. So she is constantly spelling it out for me. Talk about parroting the adults, well she’s good at that alright. But life is not all a bed of roses. Glitches do occur. These glitches, or testings of course come from Allah SWT. And at the moment, I haven’t been able to get rid of that gnawing feeling in my heart. It’s there, like a hidden monster under Loch Ness (exaggerating a little, I know).

Tiredness is probably the main contributing factor. Clutteredness is also another factor. Work at the office is a LOT. One after the other. I can’t really blame the boss because he himself has to answer to a bigger boss. And I seriously get what he means. But there’s just so much that an individual can do. But of course I can’t complain. I can’t show that it is a weakness. I must show that I am competent in all that I do. So whenever the boss pushes me into doing everything (I feel that now), I just made a face. Inside, I felt like drowning. Drowning in the midst of paperwork and endless meetings. As usual, it’s the end of the year. There are KPIs to be met. And it is likely as well that some of the KPIs may never be met, in view of certain circumstances. But we just need to push them anyway, hoping that the bigger boss will have mercy on us, because we have proved that we have done a lot of work in relation to achieving those KPIs. And that is tiring.

The minute I reached home, I sighed tiredly looking at the dirty clothes in the basket, cleaned clothes which need to be ironed and pressed in Aini’s room (we still call it her room even when she is no longer there – I don’t know why), and those which are still in the travelling bags (my children followed Maksu back to Taiping last week) in the living room. Unfortunately Bie didn’t even make an attempt to clear the bags and put them aside. I didn’t want to start any argument because that can be tiring as well. So I vowed that I would do it later, when I am not too tired or involved in other routine chores. This reminded me so much of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond just left his luggage on the stairs and expected Debbie to sort it out, as usual. But because Debbie was also adamant not to deal with it that time round, the luggage was left there at that same exact spot for two weeks. That scene replayed in my head MANY times. Talk about the irony of it.

Raising three children alone while still working and trying to climb the corporate ladder is also very challenging. Executive by day and Bibik/Mother/Wife by night. A very interesting career path. So kudos to all Mothers out there who have managed to achieve all with flying colours. It is not easy and I think we ought to receive recognition for it. Of course Bie helped with the children. If he wasn’t there, I think I’d be even worse.

I don’t mean to be sarcastic about the whole thing. But that is what I am feeling at the moment. It’s all mixed up like a blended baby’s food. Talking about baby food, I feel guilty for not preparing food for Hayani. I am forcing her to eat instant porridge and she hates it. The nursery told me that she doesn’t like instant porridge food. She wants rice porridge. One that I would have to cook (sigh). Oh yes, for those that do not know, I don’t send Hayani to Maksu’s in USJ anymore. It’s too far away. I waste a lot of time on the road. So I have sent her to the nearest nursery and pray to Allah that they are taking good care of her there. See, all these things contribute to the mixed feelings I have been having. And I don’t like it. To add to that, I had a scare from my son Raqib. I don’t think I even want to share it here for fear of shedding a tear. But something happened at home (big time coz Bie wasn’t around at that time and I had to face it with Marsya and Hayani, literally alone), and I was forced to send him to the hospital in a stranger’s car. Blessed the stranger. May Allah reward him for his help. I was traumatized by the incident. Still am. And I cannot think about it without the feeling of being transported back to the event and feeling like it just happened yesterday. So no, I am not going there.

I am always talking about taking a break. I am longing for it. But of course there are also other factors which are hindering me from doing that. But I really do hope for light at the end of the tunnel to appear very brightly soon. I need it. Insya Allah.

Yes, life is not great at the moment. But as a mentally-sound person, I need to take it with a pinch of salt and make the best of it. I have been doing that anyway. I don’t want to crack under pressure. It’s not healthy. Like I said, these are testings from the ultimate highest being. He wants to see how we fair under His tests. Besides, I need to ‘bersyukur’ taking the cue from my daughter because I still have a great, supportive family. Be it my nucleus family, my parents, in-laws, Maksu and Acik. They were always there for me when I need them. But of course, I have to learn to tap into them; seek help, which unfortunately is not my style unless I am VERY desperate. Oh well.

So Aboo, I’m going to stop here, for now. I do hope the above update is enough for you though. Take care, darling. Hugs and kisses.

Tired Nya…

I have welcomed Ramadhan with an open arm, but I am embarrassed to admit that I haven’t been able to focus on Ramadhan as much as I had wanted to. My time is spent on the road from Melawati to USJ and back again as there is where I am currently sending my baby. I didn’t want to. I wanted to send Hayani to a nearby Taska, but Bie wouldn’t hear of it. He is comfortable sending Hayani to my Maksu’s regardless of the distance because he feels that his daughter is well taken care of compared to sending her to a Taska next door. So he doesn’t mind the daily travelling. But I do. I think I have had it up to here (imagine sticking your hand to just above your head level) with all these daily travelling. I couldn’t have Iftar at home and am forever reaching the house at 11pm, on a daily basis. I am already up at 4.15am to prepare for sahur, and will not be sleeping until 11pm or 12am of the same day. And I am tired. The fact that I don’t go to sleep right away (cleaning the kitchen area, sorting out the kids’ clothes, etc, etc) contributes to this tiredness even further. I am also forever coughing and my antibody seems to be on the low.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I had wanted to be treated at par with the other male managers at the department, but FIVE approval papers to be done during Ramadhan is just too much, four of them being on different subject matters altogether, for different meetings i.e. development committee, board and audit committee. So at work, I strained my brain for excessive thinking (and during Ramadhan too) whereas at home, I am just physically challenged. I think my illness is caused by this tiredness. Because I was coughing non-stop, I had to go for an x-ray and a blood test just to make sure that there was no other illness or disease that can be dangerous. Even then, the doctor diagnosed me with mild bronchitis. How scary is that. And because I was sick, Hayani was also affected by the same illness. No amount of breast milk could have prevented it from affecting her because my antibody was on the low. She was admitted to the Pantai Ampang hospital last week due to bronchitis related illness. My poor baby. It’s so sad to see her little body coughing and having difficulties in breathing due to excessive phlegm in her chest cavities. Of course the phlegm had to be sucked out, so little tubes went into her mouth and nose just to serve that purpose. But Alhamdulillah that she didn’t have to be on the drip or anything; all medicines are directly fed via the baby syringe, not via needle poking into her blood veins. So at least that’s something. Alhamdulillah too as she was out the next day. I reaped the benefits as well because I got to rest at the hospital, something which I haven’t been able to do for quite a while. So I suppose, there are hikmahs why my baby was admitted.

My parents-in-laws still do not have a maid. Hence the reason why I couldn’t send my baby to their house. I don’t know what went wrong, but I seriously think there’s something wrong with the picture. But it is not my area to intrude so I shall leave that to all my brother-in-laws. But thinking about them also gives me the headache. These are tough challenges and sometimes I don’t know whether I am strong enough to face them, let alone suck them in. Whatever it is, I hope Aini comes back soon. She promised to return after Raya, but she hasn’t been giving me a call so I am wondering whether she is considering to return to Malaysia or not. Although she promised that in the event that she fails to return, her cousin will take her place, I am still skeptical of it happening at all. Will she come back? What if she doesn’t? [sigh]… I guess I’ll have to then start looking for someone new. I don’t know whether I’ll be ok to let in a stranger into my little house. We’ll just have to see, won’t we?

I am currently waiting for my presentation slides to be printed. There’s a conference in Hong Kong next month, and the bosses need to finalise the slides before the end of this week. PENATNYA…

Weekend With The Parents

Although I was on leave last Friday, so supposedly in full blast mood because of three days’ rest including the weekend, I wasn’t rested. I was tired. In fact, this morning, I came to work wearing a Baju Kurung that does not have to be ironed. I never wear a Baju Kurung on a Monday unless I didn’t have the time to iron the clothes during the weekend. Suffice to say, I think today I look like a very decent primary school teacher.

My parents were in town this weekend. From Thursday evening until Sunday night. And Ayah is not the type to stay at home and do nothing. He is the type that likes to go out, even though he is tired, and probably needs some rest, but he will make a point to go out; anywhere really. From shopping complexes to maybe just Carrefour.

On Friday, after Ibu’s medical check-up at Pusrawi, we went to my baby’s pediatrician for her five months’ injection. After lunch, he insisted on going to a shop which sells futsal shoes. He wanted to buy it for my brother’s birthday, as a present. So we went to Alpha Angle. Unfortunately, none of the striking fluorescent shoes appealed to him, so we went home instead… thankfully. I cooked dinner and we ate at home that night.

The next day, after a breakfast of fried rice and French toast, he insisted that we go to another bigger shopping complex. So Bie and I debated on where to go. Bie wanted to go to One Utama in Damansara, but I wasn’t that keen because the old wing near Jusco was undergoing renovation so parking would definitely be a problem. So, after much debate, we decided to go to Mid Valley. So yeah, we went to Mid Valley. Ayah asked me to think of a nice place to eat for the family lunch (he likes to do this, asking me to plan and all that, up till the point that it becomes so tiring). My two other brothers were supposed to join us at Mid Valley. But Ayin (the one whose futsal shoes were meant for) called saying that he was going to be late. He was in Putrajaya. So we went to The Garden’s food court instead and had our lunches there. My two younger brothers were unreacheable. I had a feeling that they were still fast asleep even though the time showed 3.30 in the afternoon. I don’t know why Ibu is being so tolerable with it. During my time, if I sleep in late, she’d be screaming at me at the top of her lungs and saying things which were not pleasant to the ears.

We ended up having a family dinner instead at the Flaming Steamboat Danau Kota. It was a good place to eat. Steamboat buffet at RM23.80++ per person. But because I had Hayani with me, I couldn’t enjoy much. I only ate what the rest put inside the boiling tom yam soup. I did enjoy my ice-cream though. We got back late and reached home by 12am.

The next day, Ayah told me that he felt like he wanted to visit Ayin at his house in Sungai Buloh because Ayin wasn’t well (although we had actually met the night before) due to a bad ear infection whilst my sister-in-law had sprained her ankle. Not long after that, he expressed that he actually wanted to go to Kuala Selangor because his stock of ‘ikan masin’ or salted fish have all finished, and he needed to stock up. I didn’t want to go. I was tired. I wanted to stay at home, sort out my laundry and just rest. But he was saying, “It’s up to you. If you want to go, we’ll go. Otherwise, it’s ok”. I know from his tone that he wanted to go. End up; we went to Sungai Buloh and after that to Kuala Selangor. Of course we managed to get the much-sought-out Durian while we were in Kuala Selangor (I had wanted to eat the Durian since after my confinement with Hayani). After reaching Ayin’s house at about 7.45pm, we cooked dinner, ate and left at about 10pm. We still had to go back to my house because my parents’ stuff was still at the house. I was dead tired by then. I slept for most part of the journey back home. When we reached the house, Ayah got up to pack his bag and drank a mug of steaming hot Nescafe O so that he wouldn’t be too sleepy on the way back to Seremban. I was so worried at the prospect of him traveling with Ibu alone. I know Ibu. She’ll be asleep the minute she is in the car. So I told her to keep Ayah company; talk to him so that he wouldn’t fall asleep while driving.

I planned to sort out my children’s clothes for the next day, and iron some of my work clothes. But I was so tired. Hayani was also throwing a tantrum. I hope it wasn’t because of the Durian I ate. But she was slightly colic and sweating. So I rubbed some ointment on her tummy as well as on her feet. She passed some gasses and after several more minutes was slowly falling asleep. The problem is, not only was Hayani falling asleep, but I was also falling asleep. I tried to stay awake telling myself that I had the clothes to sort out and some ironing to do, but alas, the temptation to crawl into bed was much more appealing (hence the reason for the Baju Kurung).

This morning I had to send Hayani to USJ to Maksu’s house (yeah.. the maid isn’t here yet – I seriously am beginning to dislike certain people, however that’s another story), but because I was late this morning, I was stuck in several jams. I hated it but I don’t have much of a choice.

So now I’m dead tired and having a mug of Nescafe O so that I wouldn’t fall asleep (after a lunch of rice and fried chicken). Don’t get me wrong. I love having both my parents at my place. I love taking them around. But this weekend, I was just a little overwhelmed at Ayah’s desire to go everywhere that I was just a little tired and regretted for agreeing to go to Kuala Selangor. But if I hadn’t gone to Kuala Selangor, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to eat D24 and 101 Durians (I didn’t know there was a Durian called 101, can you imagine that). So I guess, there’re pros and cons to everything. But today begins another tiring weekend of non-stop travelling from Home to USJ, office and Home again… until the new maid comes. Dreading the travelling already…