Feelings

Have you ever felt something hit you so hard that you finally open your eyes and feel that your perspectives have changed? What matters to you most previously, they still do matter but somehow there are other things which matter most and you just realized it? It is hard to explain I suppose, but I am very sure that most people experience that in life. You know, like a major life experience or something which alters your perception towards life kind of thing. I’m not saying that I experienced something as major as that. But I guess the effects are more or less the same. Little it may seem, I truly appreciate the experience. I really do. And I hope to ‘recharge’ it later when I am in need of new perspectives.

Life is short you know. Your are your own person, so it is up to you how you shape your life. I guess we have to make priorities. And work on towards living based on those priorities. Make the best of everything but never forget the one truly thing that was the reason we are living and breathing on this earth. Just never forget, ok.

I love my children very much. I really do. Even how active, noisy and tiresome they are, they are still among the best that has happened to me. I am truly blessed. Allah is great isn’t He?

Gaza

I am very angry at Israel at the moment. Who do they think they are? Just because they have the US backing them up, the so-called powerhouse of the world does not give them the license to kill people in the Gaza. They ignored the resolution by the UN and made a statement that they have never agreed to intervention from other countries. How selfish is that. They are heartless and cruel.

Yes I have to admit that I am being very emotional about this. I can’t stand it that they kill people and feel that it’s alright to do so. We live in a civilized world, and we should have surpassed all the brutal unnecessary killings just because a resolution cannot be obtained. Yes, the Hamas may have initiated this current killings by breaching the cease-fire agreement, but come on, is it necessary to bomb schools and houses on pretext that the Hamas militants are operating there? What more, with the current fatalities on the rise (currently, nearly 900 Palestines dead where a third of that are children, and about 13 Israelis) the current numbers show that Israel are just being mean and ruthless, and vicious. Less than one percent deaths compared to the Palestines. Israel is just taking an opportunity here. Its continuance with the killings is claimed as self-defense, which to me is a whole lot of B.S.

The US is no difference. They abstained from the resolutions circulated by the UN because they claimed that they wanted to see a resolution from the Egyptians first. And I don’t believe a single statement. I really hate the US at the moment. It’s bad enough that they think they’re the rulers of the world. They are equally cruel and may even feel that Palestine deserve such treatment because it’s a Moslem country. Somehow I just feel that the current US administration is biased due to Palestine’s religion and faith which they associate with terrorism and all that (and they don’t have any oil to offer) Well right now, the US is the biggest terrorist among us all. The problem is that, they never see themselves as that. They always see themselves superior among others and will always feel that they’re the best people in the planet.

A friend of mine said:

“Relax Mel.. I know that you are so emotional on this. But let us be frank. Don't you think that we too can have the US at our disposal as much as the Isrealis did?? So, let's use them as well. The oil and money that the Arabs are flushed with will draw them to our favour. All that we need is just a little intelligence and guts to do it.... you cannot isolate the US out from the equation.. they have to be in because they are the only superpower regardless you like it or not. If you don't already know, the biggest funder to the UN is the US... and ever wonder who financed it... and why UN is so tamed by the US??”

Of course I totally disagree with him. Have the US at our disposal? Give them the satisfaction that they are the rulers of the world? NO WAY…

I can’t stand it. I don’t know how to help. I am not capable of volunteering myself to go to the Gaza and fight. I am not made as strong as them. All I can do is pray for them. However, I do try, in my personal capacity, to not use products made by the US. It is hard, but that’s because we’re so used to comfort and have pampered ourselves with luxuries. US-made products are in every household in Malaysia. I have changed my grocery-shopping venue and slowly switching the current products I use for other alternatives (which is hard, but I need to begin somewhere). Some products are unavoidable (like my Nokia phone and my IBM workstations) but where I am at liberty to do so, I will try my best to switch to alternatives.

Let us pray that the people in the Gaza (including the Palestines and voluntary workers from all over the world) are safe there. Let’s pray that Allah will punish these people accordingly. Remember, What Goes Round Comes Around. So if you feel that you have triumphed today at the expense of other people’s miseries and loss of lives, you will pay for it tomorrow.

Reminiscing Old Memory

Yesterday, I went to see some friends in KLCC. I haven’t seen them for quite a while now. In fact, come to think of it, I haven’t seen Hitam for quite a number of years. But as for Hasiz, I do see him from time to time. We usually have lunch together if he could drop by my office. Just as a background story, I was very close to Hitam and Hasiz before I got married. We always went out especially when I was living in Wangsa Maju during my single hood life. Just me and the boys, eating char kuey tiow at Mali’s or hanging out at Steven’s in Uptown Damansara. These boys never took me clubbing. We just enjoyed hanging out, eating and talking. So, yesterday was quite a reunion for me and the boys, and I actually looked forward to it.

The minute I stepped out of the LRT, I made my way to the water fountain entrance, next to Dome. Hitam was already waiting for me. I smiled at him, widely. He looked a little bit nervous. But he tried to cover it with his black sunglasses. We shook hands and waited for Hasiz to come. While waiting, he talked about his workplace and the fun that he was having there. I was happy for him. I think he deserved that kind of life because previously he worked in manufacturing plants. Then Hasiz came, looking flushed because he walked quite a distance to reach KLCC.

After that, we proceeded to Chillies. It was fun to be talking to them again, but I do notice that Hasiz did not seem to be talking much. He was sitting next to me and was just listening to whatever that Hitam was saying. I wondered why he was so quiet. But I didn’t ask. Hasiz and I came a long way, much further than Hitam. We knew each other before our SPM results were out in 1993. We met at a friend’s house during a raya open house. And we became even closer when we found out my close friends are friends with his close friends (too many friends, eh.. hehehe). So we hang out quite often. I became his best friend. I was his shoulder to cry on when he found out that his girlfriend was too-timing him; I accompanied him to the vet because his cat was sick, I was the one that he would call all the way from Manjung, Perak when he just felt like calling someone, I was the one that accompanied him to watch Legends of the Fall, I reconnected him to his old school friends because they happened to go to the same college as I did, I was the one he wanted to meet whenever he was on his semester break, and the list just went on. Well, I shared many things with him too. He knew a lot of stuff about me. We were just there for each other. He told me everything and I shared many things with him as well. He trusted me, and I trusted him.

Until the day he told me that he wanted to be more than friends. I was a little shocked. I didn’t expect it to come out from his mouth. We were just too close. I just knew so much about him and to convert the friendship into a serious relationship was just something that I could not accept. But he asked me to think about it. It got me thinking alright. I was at a crossroads. I liked it that he knows me so well and that I was so comfortable with him, but it scared me that I knew a lot of things about him. Besides, I didn’t want to enter into a relationship for the sake of having one. I wanted a relationship that meant something to me. It was scary. I could feel our friendship slowly turning into a relationship. I wasn’t prepared for it. I just didn’t feel right.

The day came when I had to fly to the UK to continue my studies. I was looking forward to it (who wouldn’t), but Hasiz wanted a relationship. He was willing to try out a long distance relationship. I was like, “Err.. what? You serious?”. I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I trusted him as a friend, but I did not trust him as a boyfriend. Besides, my feelings for him weren’t as strong. How could I be in such a relationship? However, he coaxed me into doing it. He was prepared. He would wait for me until I complete my degree. I had doubts. And I just didn’t feel that he was the one. I turned him down and told him that I want to be his friend. And that I wasn’t ready to change my status [lucky for me coz I met someone while I was in the UK and I guess the feelings were strong coz it didn’t take me long to say yes to that relationship].

It was funny. I remember the first time he learnt I had a boyfriend, and that he was visiting me at my parents’ place. Hasiz was mad and curious, and wanted to see this boyfriend of mine. He already had a girlfriend at that time. But later I learnt from Hitam that Hasiz was prepared to let go of his girlfriend for me. And the first time Hasiz met my boyfriend eye-to-eye, it didn’t go very well. I don’t know what he was trying to prove. I found it all very funny. Of course later Hasiz came into terms with the fact that I had a boyfriend. In fact later, Hasiz was friends with Bie. We hung out, chit-chat and laughed. That was why Bie didn’t mind I went out with Hasiz and Hitam. It was like as if an understanding was achieved. But I know that somehow, Hasiz has a soft spot for me. We share something, and it was nice to know.

So seeing him not talking much yesterday wasn’t really nice. Oh well. I guess he was giving an opportunity for Hitam to talk to me since I haven’t met Hitam for a much longer time. But I’m ok. Since now I’m at KL Sentral, I can drop by KLCC anytime to meet up with them. So, there’ll be other times. Ok, that’s enough of reminiscing for today.

New Year, New Hope

I look forward to 2009. I have a feeling that it is going to be a good year for me and the family. In all aspects, be it financially or socially. There are many things that I wanted to do in 2008 but were not done. First and foremost, of course I want to go to Awana Kijal (I know it’s local, and isn’t that expensive, but I have personal priorities to take care of) and if rezeki permits it, I want to take the whole family to New Zealand. That trip is something that I really look forward to, and I know that it has to happen this year.. Insya Allah. Then of course I’ve got some personal resolutions that I hope to carry out for this year. We’ll see. A step at a time.

Apart from that, my little girl is going to school. Well, not the proper school kind of thing, but a kindergarten or playschool. I wasn’t sure whether that was what I wanted for her. I mean, she’s still my baby. She still sleeps with me with her arms around me and whenever she cries, she will look for me. Therefore, I don’t know whether I should be sending her to school already. Mentally, I’m actually not prepared. I know that Maksu feels that Marsya is ready for school. She likes making new friends and she’s quite bright for her age (we’re being biased because Marsya is after all my daughter and Maksu’s grand-daughter). So, better stimulate that brightness in a right way at an early age.

Tomorrow, she’s going to be four years old. And I know that school would be the perfect place for her. Bie is definitely into the school thing 110 percent. He feels that it would do her good. She would learn how to read, make new friends, and learn many new things.

The school is based on Islamic principles but with an English medium. The teacher is asking me to put Marsya in the tahfiz classes as well, but I think I’d stick to just the playschool first. I don’t want to burden her with many things. She is after all just a child. She’s my baby. It’s hard for me to let her go into the outside world. She belongs to me…[sigh].. what am I saying..?? And she’s only four. Imagine when she’s seven, or thirteen or twenty-one even. They grow up so fast. One minute she was in my arms and I was cradling her to sleep and the next, she is already a big girl who likes to have many types of shoes and watches Geng Bas Sekolah.

Bie brought her for registration this morning and from the sound of it, she was excited about going to school. In fact, the minute she opened her eyes this morning, she was constantly whining and asking for her Abi to take her to school… [sigh].. and I can’t believe I’m sending her to school. This is a big step for me [one would say that it’s a big step for Marsya, but no. It’s a big step for me]. I mean, you can see from the way that I went on and on about it, that I consider this as quite a big thing for me. It’s very hard to let her stay in a school with complete strangers. Will she be ok, will she make friends, and will other students accept her; all these are playing in my mind. I hope the school will take good care of my daughter. I pray to Allah for her safety.

Over-protective? Who wouldn’t…

Anyway, I just want to share with you that I had a blast New Year’s eve. On 31st December 2008, I took leave from work and went out the whole day with the Gurls. It all started with brunch at Carl’s Junior Mid Valley, with Pah and Min. Then we went to The Red Box at The Garden and sang for two hours. After that, we went to see Australia (Hugh Jackman has a REALLY gorgeous body in the movie. With his bearded face and rogue looks, OMG, I think I’m in love… hehehehehe). The movie finished at 6.15pm, then we drove back to Putrajaya to hang out with the other Gurls (Yamm and Makcik) who couldn’t take leave that day, bought pizzas and chicken wings, and had a picnic in front of the Palace of Justice until 12 am. It was a good way to spend New Year’s eve. The kids were at my in-laws. Bie picked me up at 12 am, then we headed to Pah’s house to freshen up. I only reached home at 3.15am. Talk about having fun and talk about a good way to greet the New Year.

It’s always fun hanging out with the Gurls. I love them very much. Of course we missed some of the other Gurls who couldn’t make it that day. Zha is pregnant and was having some pains, so of course her husband wouldn’t allow her to go (even though she lives in Putrajaya), Izan couldn’t leave the kids, Noha had maid issues, Leeya and Murn both are not in KL. But we missed them all the same. Maybe next time.

With that, I welcome 2009. To happiness, love and success. Amin.