A Night Out At KLCC

I went to KLCC last week to have dinner with some friends. ANA wanted to introduce me to his new fiancée and celebrate his new status as a betrothed man. Lin and I waited for him at the Dome and later, we went to the fourth floor to look for a nice eating place. At first ANA wanted to eat at the Kelantan Delights. Surprisingly, it was quite packed compared to normal days. I guess it was due to Madame Kwan’s being closed for renovation. We ended up eating at the Sundanese restaurant.

ANA treated us for the dinner. I had wanted the likes of Chilies, but he wanted rice. So be it. We talked and it was good. It had been ages since the three of us sat together and chit-chatted. ANA was quiet. Probably nervous at the thought of introducing his fiancée to me.

The foods were served and I took the first bite of the fish. Very nice. Not long after, the awaited fiancée arrived. She was small in size, rather petite and looked sweet. I don’t know why, but her size and face reminded me of ANA’s first girlfriend, the one he had difficulty forgetting. Oh well, it could just be a coincidence. She was however prettier than the ex-girlfriend.

The minute she saw me, she exclaimed loudly and said, “So this is the famous Ija”. I was a little surprised. Now what is it that that they’ve been talking about behind my back? But I kept a straight face and said, “Yup, the one and only, alright”. I didn’t like it. But I ignored her and went on eating. The fiancée didn’t speak much to me during dinner, at the beginning. But somehow later, thanks to my ‘ramah’ attitude, we were soon talking and laughing. Her favourite subject was of course ANA, her new fiancé. And that was one topic that I could go on for night. But somehow, out of my respect for ANA, as we have been friends for about 13 years now, I only told her the good stuff. On how gentleman he is, how funny he is (on those very rare occasions) and how he always seemed to be there when you wanted a lending ear. She beamed. I mean, we’re after all complimenting on her future husband.

There were few remarks by ANA that made me bit my tongue for fearing of saying it out loud. And ANA looked at me, smiling, as if saying, don’t spill the beans, ok. I think his fiancée noticed our exchange of smiles and looks, but that is just one of the things that she has to live with her. After all, I know her fiancé long before she knows him. Of course, after they get married, she would know him more than I do. But for now, she would just have to live with that fact.

We left the restaurant at a quarter to 10 in the evening. As my dearest Bie hadn’t reached KLCC to meet me, I hung out with Lin. We went to the KLCC man-made fountain lake and sat there staring at the people while talking. There were a lot of people there and I was actually quite surprised considering it’s a weekday and the next day is a working day.

Lin and I talked. It was ages since we actually did that. We used to do the hanging out bit, just both of us, quite often in the past. But when I have Marsya, the hanging out has been reduced, so on that night, we were both thankful for that rare moment; just hang out at a public place and chit-chat. We talked about a lot of things, from personal matters to work. We were both happy that ANA is finally settling down and that they’re getting married in time for Raya Haji next year. And of course we talked about ANA; things which should not very well be revealed during our dinner with the fiancée. And we laughed out loud when reminiscing the past. It was good.

My dearest Bie arrived at half past ten. Then we left KLCC.

I Stink

I made another HUGE blunder today. Me and my mouth, and my head for that matter for not thinking it thoroughly. I think I am loosing my empathic capabilities. I make comments to people close to me without really thinking what I say and in the end, hurting them in the process.

I am a terrible, terrible friend. Yes, I see that in myself at the moment. Never knowing when to shut up and always thinking I know everything when for the fact is that I know nothing. Always wanting to compare myself with others, sometimes being down right selfish to people’s thought and thinking with that ‘tak apa’ attitude. I don’t deserve good friends lah. Me, a woman who prides in maintaining close girlfriends even after marriage. Who depends on girlfriends even though I have a husband and a baby (how sick is that, right?). Well right now, I don’t think I’m that worthy anymore.

I hate the after feeling of making a stupid mistake. I hate making close friends hurt. I hate it, I hate it and I hate it. But I can’t seem to run away from that. Somehow in the future, I’d repeat the same mistakes and other people would end up getting hurt. I might as well be put in a box somewhere.

I had an online quarrel with a good friend a couple of months back. I felt terrible. I admit that it was due to my stupid remark (one of those moments where I make remarks without thinking – yeah, me being selfish and non-empathic again) that got the whole thing started. Stunned as I was by her reply, I was emotionally and physically affected. Others may not see that. They may see me as a ‘tak apa’ kind of girl who is not affected by the smallest comment. But when it happens in situations that I am attached to dearly (emotionally and physically), it got to me. I was upset for weeks. Heck, my monthly period was also delayed. Too emotionally strained. I was stupid. And now, I am repeating the same thing yet again. How DUMB is that??? [sigh]…

The thing is, I can’t shut myself up. Whenever I try not to say anything, I’ll end up giving comments. I’m like one of those critics in the paper. Though a critic is harsh, I try to stay away from that. But being me, I just have to be critical.

To all friends, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my remarks, comments or statements. I can understand if you’re mad at me, please do so. You’re entitled to it. I can’t promise not to repeat it because it’s in my nature to make remarks; it’s in my blood. But, I will try to think first before I say anything (I have to, I really have to). I hate it when friends get hurt because of my stupid remarks. I probably don’t deserve you. I’m probably better of not depending too much on friends as I’d only offend them.

Selfish that I am, I want both in my life; a marriage and friends. I don’t know whether you can balance both. But at the rate I’m going, I wonder who would be hurt in the process.

I’m sorry. Truly very sorry.

Patience Is Thinning

Last night was another night that my daughter went berserk on me. She was screaming, crying (sampai tersedu-sedu) and didn’t want to go to sleep. Whenever she slept, she would wake up again. And that’s like for every half an hour or so. It was tiring.

She wanted breast milk, but I can’t give it to her. It was too painful. She has a lot of teeth these days and does not hesitate to use them in whichever circumstances. Therefore, I refuse to let in on her. And of course she was in fits. She screamed, refused to take the bottled milk I prepared for her and cried like as if she was in terrible, physical pain. And to make matters worse, I have been very tired lately. The past several weeks were just too much and yesterday, I had that training at NIOSH, Bangi from 9am to 5pm. So I was physically and mentally tired. Her screaming didn’t help. The fact that she didn’t want her father also wasn’t helping.

Her crying got to me. I was upset. I could feel my patience thinning and the urge to smack her little butt was at the verge of my finger tips. But I tried to control myself and recited some zikir so that I could control my temper.

Earlier that day, she was also in fits. When I disallowed her to walk outside of the house (in front of my in-laws’ house), she screamed hysterically and started to “berguling” on the floor where Bak’s kancil is parked. When I tried to pick her up, she slanted her body so that I couldn’t pick her up. And when her abi tried to pick her up, she screamed even louder. But I was quite calm. Tired that I was, I didn’t give in to anger and thus could still control my temper. But last night was just too much. It’s been going on for a while already and I am just tired of it.

And when she was crying like that, I spanked her leg. She was surprised, looked up at me and screamed even louder. I couldn’t take it. I left her on the bed, still screaming and went outside of the room. My dearest Bie went into the room and picked her up, but she refused to be picked up. I was outside, pacing the room up and down trying to recollect my better judgment. My mind felt cluttered and I couldn’t seem to think straight. I did some breathing exercise and went back to the bedroom. My dearest Bie was trying to coax her to keep quiet. And he’s not doing a good job of it. So, I picked her up from him and uttered a few “memujuk” words and went ahead to breastfeed her. I was in terrible pain, all right and couldn’t sleep much. But I don’t have a choice.

And I thought that was it, and that she’d sleep soundly and would only wake up in the morning. However, that was not to be. She woke up again at 3am and refused to go back to sleep. She took my make-up bag and started applying the lipstick on her lips and the powder on her cheeks. I was to sleepy to take notice. Luckily my dearest Bie was there to “layan” her. I woke up now and then again and at about 4.30am, Bie was just too sleepy and asked me to give Marsya her “candu”. So there I was, doing it again. Painful as it is, I didn’t have a choice. Or else, she wouldn’t go to sleep.

This morning, I woke up quite late (didn’t hear the alarm clock went off) and left the house at 7am. Usually I left around 6.30am to avoid the jam. And yes, I was stuck in a few jam [sigh] and reached my aunt’s place quite late.

Is it normal to feel this? Is it normal to feel like spanking your baby when he or she is crying loudly, practically screaming non-stop? Now I guess I can understand why certain mothers resort to abusing their children (usually those in the toddler age group) when they just couldn’t control the temper anymore thus not being very patient at all. I don’t want to be one of those mothers. We still have our faith to dictate our actions and I intend to control my temper for as long as I can. Tak naklah nanti, “Sesal dulu pendapatan. Sesal kemudian, tidak berguna” kan.

Oh Allah, please give me the strength to control my temper and shower my baby with endless love and care. Amin.

Suddenly, Things Are Too Fast

I am rather guilty for not updating the blog. I have every intention to write about a lot of things, but I have been bogged down with work. A lot of it, thus very little time to tell stories in the blog. From eating a lot of durian at the office here (and getting sick afterwards) to attending weddings, life suddenly is a bit of a roller coaster. A bit like the film Click. You know, the one that Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsdale acted in where Adam is this guy who likes to fast forward his life using this universal remote control so that he can skip the boring stuff and be at that career level that he’s been wanting to have. I like Click. It makes me ponder on the littlest things in life which really meant a lot to me but I have overlooked. The film has this surprising moral value to it, unlike any of Adam’s films in the past. It’s dead hilarious, serious (and at one point, extremely sad – I had to wipe the tears using the back of my hand) and I have to add in again, VERY funny. Go get a DVD or something if you haven’t seen it.

Look at that, I’m getting carried away with the movie already. Anyway, I have a class this Sunday teaching a roomful of safety officers some Business Communication Skills. I’m actually taking over the class from a trainer who couldn’t teach this Sunday so had to give up his class to someone else equally skilful and that someone happens to be me. Equally skilful?? Hell no..!! I am a nervous wreck. I don’t know if I can pull it of. I am SO afraid to be standing in a class full of male adults (about 25 of them and only 2 are female) and teach them Business Communication Skills. And to make matters worse, this is my first time!! I have the materials courtesy of the nice trainer, but can I pull it of? What do I do to pass the time? I have to teach them for 8 hours, all right, and that’s VERY long for a first timer like me. I haven’t had time to prepare as I was too busy with work. I mean, I need to at least be familiar with the stuff that I’m teaching. No doubt I do communication skills ALL THE TIME, but it’s different for safety officers. They don’t do reports, letters and memos everyday. So I have to convert whatever knowledge I have to their level and thus need to do some ground work. I have 4 days left. I can’t do it at home coz my time will be fully occupied with house chores.

This is very stressing. I have to come up with group activities. But what sort of activities can be done if you have to teach how to draft reports, memos, letters and emails? I need ideas. Anyone has any? You know, do group activities that relate to drafting memos, letters, etc. The trainer said, “Look up for them at the Internet”. As if I don’t know that already. But I haven’t had the time to surf the net for it. So, if any of you have ideas, maybe those that you came across during seminars and training, please…, please, share them with me. I am SO open to ALL ideas.

Gosh, it’s 9am already. Time sure flies fast. I’ve got board papers to do. Later…