Worried

My menstrual cycle has been a bit off lately. On 30 March 2006, my menstrual came as usual, but it lasted for a month..!! I was a little scared. I should have done my pap smears after I delivered but I was petrified at the thought that the doctor was going to poke weird stuff in me. I mean, I had just delivered at that time and the pain was still fresh in my head. But as my menstrual seemed problematic (I don’t recall having this problem before), I felt that it was time to see my gynecologist.

So yesterday, at about 4pm, during the terrible downpour in the Klang Valley, I made my way to see my gynecologist. You guessed it. I was late. I only reached the hospital at 6.30pm. All major roads in the Klang Valley were congested due to flash floods and accidents. Luckily Dr As was still around.

As I entered the hospital, a welcoming memory swept into my head. This was where I had my baby. The frequent check ups, the friendly staff, the hospitalization period, all swirled in my head. They weren’t bad memories. They were kind of nice. As I made my way to the sofa, I looked at my surroundings. The hospital certainly has changed since the last time I went there. The renovation works that were done during my hospitalization had certainly made the hospital nicer compared to before.

Before I was called in to see Dr As, I had to be weighed. I dreaded the weighing scale. I know that I have put on weight and this was evidential from the pants that I have been wearing; they’re rather tight these days. So when the nurse announced that my weight was 58 kg, I gave a small outcry. I really need to do something with the excess kilos. I need to reduce at least 4 to 5 kg’s if I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. At the moment, I so despise my huge thighs but I am guilty for not doing anything to it. Ahh… I’ll work something out.

Dr As was nice, as usual. She was surprised as she hasn’t seen me for a quite a while. And it was only natural that she thought I was pregnant. I told her my problem and before she checked, she asked me to take a urine test first to see whether I was pregnant. So I did. And the nurse showed the result to Dr As. Part of me was afraid that it’d be positive, but there was a little part of me, very little mind you, somewhere beneath my heart was hoping that I was pregnant. So when Dr As announced that the result was negative, I had mixed feelings, which later of course turned to relief at the fact that I wasn’t pregnant.

So she did the necessary tests and confirmed that my uterus was fine. No fibroids or weird stuff sticking on them. I was thankful for that. She also confirmed that I am currently having my menstrual, for real and that I should see her in two weeks time for further check up and a pap smear.

I sighed with relief. I’m all right. I guess it must be my hormones. Dr As said there was an abnormality in my menstrual but nothing I should be worried about. I don’t remember being stressed though, but who knows. Indirectly I guess the stress could have taken place.

Well, my appointment with Dr As is in two weeks. Let’s see what she has to say then. But for now, I’m thankful. No more worries.

Weekend With Ibu

When I heard that Ayah wouldn’t be at home last weekend, I felt so lazy to go back. Ibu would be busy with her thing and if she went out, I would be left at home with Marsya, Bie, my brothers and Bibik. I sighed at the prospect of going back. So I called Ayah and asked his opinion on whether I should go back and he advised me to go home for the weekend. Ibu wasn’t going anywhere and all my brothers would be there. I relented. So on Saturday morning, I did my laundry as usual and packed the necessary clothing to go back to my parents’ for the weekend.

When I reached the compound, Ibu was already there sitting on the chair. She looked up and smiled. I looked at her and smiled back. Marsya was excited to go out of the car. So I opened the car door and passed Marsya to my brother. Then I heard Ibu saying, “Alah cucu Uwan… dah sampai dah”.

Later that afternoon as I was lying in front of the TV, Ibu asked whether I wanted to go out, pergi minum petang, and I said, “Why not”. Well, we did go for minum petang but at Acik’s place. Acik cooked “keledek goreng” for us and it was good.

The next day, Ibu ajak me to go to Aunty Ani’s shop to look for a new bed. I was quite surprised. It’s not that she never ajak me to go places before, she has done so in the past, but of late, she has been occupied with other things. So I told her that I’m going to Jusco with Ayin (my brother) and if she wanted to come, it’d be good. And she agreed. I know that she was tired and sleepy, but she came with us anyway. She tried to join in all the things that we wanted to do, even though she was tired.

So when she had to leave before Maghrib for prayers at Mambau, she felt bad. After all, I was supposed to go back to KL that night and she didn’t want to miss us before we left for KL. But what was to be done, had to be done. She left for Mambau without even saying goodbye. I felt something weird inside but I brushed it off.

She called me up at 8pm asking when we were leaving for KL. I told her that we would probably leave around 10pm coz Bie wanted to watch Constantine. I told her not to rush though coz if I couldn’t see her that night, I would see her the following weekend, if I go back home again. So after Constantine, we had dinner (eating hurriedly) and left for KL. After all the next day is a working day and I haven’t ironed my clothes.

As I was heading towards the town area, Ibu called. She had just finished her thing and wanted to see us before we left for KL. I assured her that it was all right and that I’d see her again, but she was adamant. She told us to park somewhere and she would meet us there. So we parked at Petronas and waited for her arrival.

She arrived about 10 minutes later. I saw her got out of the car and walked towards my car. My daughter was eager to see her. So when Ibu opened the car door, Marsya held up her arms to Ibu. Ibu picked her up and kissed her all over. Marsya did not even want to come back inside the car. She was actually clinging to her Uwan. I liked it. It was the first time that Marsya didn’t want to let go of Ibu. And I smiled.

We said our goodbyes at the petrol station and head our separate ways.

Ibu is still Ibu. Though she may have her flaws (who’s perfect anyway) and sometimes makes us mad, she is still Ibu. And I’m sure we make her mad as well. But that’s another thing. I can never stay away from Ibu too long. I have to admit that of late she’s been occupied with a lot of things and I guess being her daughter I got sensitive all over. I should have been more understanding, I guess. No matter what she is, she’s my Ibu. My mother. The woman who gave birth to me and who brought me up into what I am today. No matter what our differences are, I will love her until her dying days.

Dinner With Friends

Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to have dinner with Zam and his new wife. We had dinner at the Roadhouse Grill in Jalan Ampang as that was convenient for both of us as Zam stays in Jalan Tun Razak, while I stay in… you know where. I haven’t had the chance to chit-chat with Zam even before he got married. Previously when asked, about getting married, he always sighed and said, “Hujung tahun…”. And this went on for quite a number of years. Every year when I asked him the ‘marriage’ question, he would say end of the year. But he never seemed to have met anyone to walk the aisle with him.

Suddenly out of the blue, he called Bie up and said that he was getting engaged and he wanted Bie to be there. I was surprised, as I didn’t know that he was seeing anyone. But yeah… it was quite sudden. Zam and his wife only knew each other for a couple of months. They got engaged and last month they got married. I guess I could call it a “whirlwind romance”.

When we parked the car at the Roadhouse Grill compound, I saw Zam and his new wife already waiting for us. Marsya was asleep so I had to lift her gently from my lap (she woke up soon after). Zam’s wife, Id greeted us and we entered the restaurant.

I didn’t talk to Id much. I was busy with Marsya who by the way was making quite a racket throwing peanuts on the floor… and of course I was busy observing Id. She didn’t talk to me much. She talked and laughed with my dearest Bie. I can understand that she may felt comfortable with Bie, so that’s why she only talked to him alone. Zam was sitting next to Id, looking content and happy. His slowly increasing waistline is the evidence for that.

After looking at her for a while, I began to see why Zam likes her. She’s sweet. In fact, she looks better without any make-up on as opposed to having lots of make-up. She’s quite big-sized, but she’s not fat. And the one thing, which I am very sure as to why Zam adores her, is that she talks and laughs a lot. Zam didn’t have to say anything. Id did most of the talking. When I began to join in the conversation, I could see that her edginess sort of calmed down. She began talking to me, looking at me while talking. She talked about the wedding reception in Terengganu and laughed at how both her and Zam overslept the next morning. She also showed the wedding photographs and I could see that she was happy. There’s no telling about Zam. He kept on beaming throughout the entire dinner.

I am happy that Zam has found his ‘one’. And I’m glad that Id sees all the wonderful things in Zam. As I sat watching them eat in front of me, I could see that Id would gently pat Zam’s shoulder and leaned against him when Bie and I talked about something. During few moments, I would hear her call, “Abang…” and I smiled.

No Longer The Apple Of The Eye

Last Friday night, I came back from work late. I had a management paper to do and it had been long pending. When I reached Mak Su’s house, she was with Wan. Apparently Wan was experiencing labour pain. Her contraction periods were getting shorter and her face was red as she was trying to cope with the pain. It reminded me of the time when I was about to introduce Marsya to the face of the earth. It was scary and I could feel her pain. I mean, who came up with the statement, “…masuk anak nombor dua nanti, lupa dah sakit nak beranak”. Hello..!! The pain is fresh in my head, ok. Anyway, Mak Su was to accompany Wan to the University Hospital. So the clothes were packed and Wan sat on the sofa, her face all red. We could hardly hear her voice.

Then it dawned on me: Marsya will no longer be the apple of everyone’s eyes…

It saddened me. Mak Su will be baby-sitting the new baby when Wan gets back to work after her confinement period. Marsya will no longer be the baby of the house. She will be replaced with the new baby. My poor baby…

I told Bie and he told me not to be upset. He said, “Kalau yang lain dah tak manjakan dia, kita still manjakan dia. Apa you nak risau? Abi and Umi dia kan ada”. In a way he was right. But I can’t help feeling that Marsya will not be taken care of dengan penuh kasih saying. I think I’ve gone bonkers. Whatever it is, Marsya is still Mak Su’s granddaughter and NOTHING can take that away from her, not even the new baby. Besides, the new baby will not be doing much. After all, she’s still a baby. Marsya is a year plus and is at that particular age where everybody likes to kacau just to see her laugh or cry. Ok, this is me, trying to make sense of the whole thing. Trying to accept that Marsya will no longer be the baby of the house.

I guess I’m feeling this way because right now, in my life, Marsya is the apple of MY eye. Since she doesn’t have any brother or sister, she will continue to be the apple of our eyes (our being me and Bie).

Oh well, who am I to prevent Mak Su from taking up new babies. Even if Mak Su doesn’t want to take care of any new baby, she can’t refuse Wan. Wan’s eldest boy was taken care by Mak Su when he was a baby. So it’s only natural that the new baby be taken care of Mak Su as well. I mean, Mak Su is just the type of woman that every mother looks for in a baby-sitter. She is compassionate, fun, caring and loving. That’s why most mothers send their babies to Mak Su’s, including me. Coupled with a caring husband like Pak Su, NO ONE can resist NOT sending their children to Mak Su’s and Pak Su’s.

Anyway, Wan delivered a beautiful baby girl on early Saturday morning. She named her Wan Najwa. Mak Su said she’s very fair. And weighs about 2.72 kg, which I think is all right considering Wan’s VERY small sized tummy when she was pregnant. In a way, I can’t wait to see the new baby as well. I haven’t bought the baby any gift. I think I prefer to give the new baby some ‘ang-pow’. I think that worth a lot more than any baby gift since she already has an older brother, whose toys are pretty much just lying around.

Well Marsya, looks like you have to compromise with Najwa. You see, Marsya is also very ‘manja’ with Najwa’s father. “Pantang nampak Mi, menggapai jer tangan suruh angkat”. Anyhow, having Najwa around is probably a positive thing. It’ll help Marsya (and me) to deal with the probability of having a new baby in the future.

Forever And For Always

In your arms
I can feel your heart beat now
I can really feel your love
In your arms
I can still feel the way you want me
When you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered
When you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
And there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

Chorus:

'Cause I'm keeping you
Forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning
To your sweet face
Always-----oooh baby

In your heart
I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart
I know how much you miss me
I can still feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't now way
And there ain't no howI'll never see that day....

Repeat Chorus:

(I wanna wake up every morning... with you )
In your eyes
(I can still see the look of the one)
I can still see the look of the one who really loves me
(I can still feel the way that you want)
The one who wouldn't put anything
Else in the world above me
(I can still see your love for me)
I can still see your love for me in your eyes
(I still see the love)

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
And there ain't no howI'll never see that day....

Repeat Chorus (2x):
I'm keeping you forever and for always...
That's a keeper
Baby Oooh always and forever
I'm in your arms

I got this song Forever and For Always by Shania Twain from my dearest Bie on our 2nd year anniversary. I guess, we just got married and everything... and I was also heavily pregnant with Marsya, so Bie must have gotten a little sentimental and thus dedicated this song to me. Well, personally, I like the song. The melody is soothing, the lyric shows love and the video clip is so sweet. Check it out people. This song is worth listening to...

Don’t Know What To Say

Have you ever felt that sometimes it’s just so tiring to listen to people’s problems? I mean, yeah you listen to it but the person who’s telling you seems to think that you’re on their side while the other party thinks that you’re actually on their side. I mean, there are limits to it and I think I’m tired of the whole thing already. But since both parties matter to you, you just can’t walk away. So you just sit there and listen.

Well personally, I am tired of it. But I can’t say no, nor can I just walk off and ignore that things didn’t happen. Because they did. And I guess, it will continue to happen for quite a while more. I don’t know what to do. I’m at loss. Lucky for me, when I don’t want to listen I can just go off and do things, which they can’t say no to.

The problem at hand may actually be the size of a peanut, but if not taken care of sooner, can grow into the size of a… I don’t know, a huge beach ball, perhaps. I do so badly want to solve it; get it all out in the open but I can’t. I still have to respect certain people and certain parties. It’s all very tiring really. I don’t know how long I can actually tolerate the whole thing. I am tired. Tired of having to make amends and excuses trying to cover them up. So that others can’t see right through them.

I don’t know what to call this. It’s not really a burden, but it is definitely something to ponder on. If it isn’t cured here and then, goodness knows what’s going to happen. Others may view it as non-problematic. They may even think that I’m making fuss over nothing. And that I’m the one who’s dramatic. But I can’t help it. The others do not go through what I have to go through. They don’t carry this burden on their shoulders. I do. I’m also very scared. And whenever I have the chance, I pray that Allah will light our way and not let us walk blindly in the dark.

Something For The Tooth Fairy

I went to the dentist yesterday. It’s been ages since I actually went to see one. At first I was really scared. I remembered the last time I checked my teeth was when I was about 12 years old. The dentist had to jab my mouth to numb it as I had quite a filling to do plus the dentist needed to extract a swollen molar tooth out. It was excruciatingly painful..!! I remember the incident like as if it was last week. And naturally, that made me very scared to see a dentist.

So, when Dr Liew ushered me in to his room, I was scared. But I kept quiet and tried to relax. I tried not looking at the metal equipment by the side of the chair. When Dr Liew asked me to sit, I felt like I was going to be tied up to the electric chair. I was terrified. But, I kept my calmness. I mean, if it hadn’t be for the terrible tooth ache that I had been suffering for quite a number of weeks now, I wouldn’t dare make myself available at the dentist. So I thought, “Let’s get it over and done with”.

I must admit that I am thankful for Dr Liew. He was patient and tried his best not to make me scared and of course, feel the pain, after he learnt that I dislike dentists and because of that I haven’t checked my teeth in like a very long time. He talked in a soothing manner and explained each of his conduct. First he jabbed me. I remember when I was younger; the needle seemed much bigger and longer. But yesterday, the needle wasn’t THAT long. It was still big, no doubt about that. But, NOT THAT long. I felt the pain as the needle went through my gums, but surprisingly, I endured it pretty well.

Then, he cleaned my teeth and gums; getting rid of all the decays. He was surprised at the fact that I haven’t seen a dentist for more than 15 years because he said that my teeth didn’t seem to reflect that. I felt good when he said that. So my teeth weren’t so bad after all.

However, Dr Liew discovered that I had four holes to fill in. I was surprised as well. I would have thought that I only had at most two holes, but unfortunately there were more. But I didn’t mind. As long as I was there, I told Dr Liew to fill in whichever hole he saw. And he did.

After an hour or so, Dr Liew finished performing his task. He told me to come back and see him in six months to see whether there would be potential holes to fill in. And to my surprise, I agreed. I mean, going to the dentist wasn’t that bad. I was lucky that I didn’t have to go through the root canal procedure or extract any molar tooth, which is even more painful.

So now, I’m still afraid to go see a dentist, but the fear isn’t as much as it used to be. I think everyone should take care of his or her teeth. Try brush the fear aside because if you keep on holding on to the toothache, later the teeth may be irreparable and the dentist may have to take it out, and THAT is even more painful not to mention, costly.

When Is The Right Time To Have Another One

I received a text message last night from Sha. She is expecting. Six weeks now. I felt very happy for her. That is what she has been wanting since the last time I saw her. Besides, her son is probably two years old now, so I think that would be the perfect time to have another one. Well, for her anyway. She lost her unborn baby when it was only four months and was in a state of depression. She recovered from her depression only when she conceived another baby. And now, she’s pregnant again, for the third time.

Something in me welled up. As soon as I replied to her message, congratulating her and what naught, I looked at Marsya. Is she ready to have a brother or a sister? Marsya was asleep on my lap. She just had her milk and seemed very content. I brushed her hair to the side and looked at her perky little mouth. Then I thought, “Am I ready to be pregnant again? Am I ready to go through a period of morning sicknesses and slowly enlarging bulging tummy?”. I don’t know. What I do know is that, I am afraid. Afraid of being in that terrible state of morning sicknesses, the third trimester, the labour pain and the confinement period.

I had terrible morning sicknesses. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn’t so much of a morning sickness; it was more like a sickness throughout the day and night and that went on until my fifth month of pregnancy. Then, there was the burden of having to carry a huge stomach. My back was painful. I couldn’t walk as fast. And it got worse at the end of the third trimester. My feet were swollen and I couldn’t sleep on the side. I had to have my feet on the pillows every night while going to sleep. And waking up from the bed can be a very painful task. After that, I felt as if the lower part of my abdomen was weighing me down. I had to hold on to it for fear of it suddenly dropping. The labour pain was another thing. I was lucky to be in the labour room for two hours. BUT it was the aftermath that kept on haunting me till today. I don’t know how I did in the labour room, but I guess the pushing was a little too much and I had problems with my… you know what. Well, it was bleeding from the inside and doing the pooh-pooh thingy was excruciating. The stitch on the canal where my baby came through was also painful. Then there was the post-maternity blues. I was depressed!! I couldn’t go out. I had to eat certain type of foods only and I had to wear socks and jackets to keep myself warm. I couldn’t surf the Internet as that would strain the eyes (that’s what Ibu said lah) and that kept me even more depressed. The monthly check up at the doctor’s was the only fulfilling thing for me.

So you see, I don’t know when I should be pregnant again. Besides, previously it was just me and my dearest Bie. But now, there’s Marsya.

I went to 1-Utama on Saturday and I saw a pregnant lady, probably coming to about 7 months of her pregnancy, carrying a baby (about a year and a half) who was bawling about something. That scared me. The mother herself was heavy due to the bulging stomach, and she was carrying a full-grown baby who was crying wanting only the mother. It did give me some sort of a fright.

So, I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want another baby at this point of time. I am happy for friends who are about to have one, but me? I just don’t think so… not at this time, anyway.