Handled Presentation By Myself

Today, for the first time ever, I handled a presentation to a fund manager from the UK by MYSELF, no bosses around when for actual fact, they had wanted to see the Senior Management. But the bosses had a board meeting today, so it just had to be me. And I guess I just wanted to gloat… hehehe. I mean, it’s not everyday that I handled such presentation by myself, but luckily I was able to answer the questions they posed. Somehow, I seemed to know the answers. And I have to admit that I am so proud of myself. Don’t tell me that you have never been proud of yourself over something you did and you just felt like smiling all the time non-stop? I’m sure each one of us have. We are after all normal human beings. But yeah, I think I handled myself quite well. It was a relief though when it was over, but I was really glad that they didn’t ask me things which I did not know. And as usual, one of the favourite questions posed by the fund manager is related to the Singaporean’s interest on our land, and why we didn’t have any strong local company to help back us up in our developments. And surprisingly, I managed to answer it without a glitch, sounding very confident, that I myself was surprised. The Mat Salleh sure had a lot of questions.

So yeah, maybe this will be a precedent. I’m not surprised if my boss will want me to handle more of such presentations in the future. Hhmm.. I may have unleashed something here. And I really don’t know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Oh well, I am taking it positively at the moment. So yeah, why not.. I am giving myself a chance to gloat.

Anyway, I also wanted to share something. I think I did something terrible a few days ago. I am an avid listener of a certain radio station. The deejays wanted us to call them to see whether we agree to their statement that people who have the nicest voices do not have appearances that match their nice voices. I happen to agree with them so I called them up. Yeah, I was on the national radio. I told them that I have a friend, who has one of the nicest voices I have ever heard. She has a deep, attractive and sensual voice. But whenever she meets her online ‘boyfriends’, those meet ups would be the first and the last. And the ‘boyfriends’ do not call her up anymore. To be honest, she’s not really that pretty. She is big in size (tall and big), dark-skinned, and not that pretty. And you know how Malaysian guys are only into looks (so shallow of them), only wanting the light-skinned, slim girls… so typical. And if they’re Malay, fair-skinned girls with ‘tudung’, pathetic, right. Well, this friend of mine, let’s just say, if she were to have been married, her husband would be the luckiest man in the world. She is very caring, a good cook, and very good with house-chores, a perfect wife trait.

Anyway, the deejays wanted me to give them her mobile number because they wanted to call her. Of course I refused. I didn’t want to betray a friend. But they were pushing it, and asked me to hold on line because they were sweet talking me into giving the number. And in the end, I did the unthinkable; I gave the mobile number to the deejays. And the moment I hung up, I felt terrible. I felt like I have sinned or something. And Allah answered my prayers. The deejays tried to call her, but she didn’t pick up the phone. They tried again; still she didn’t pick up her phone. I was relieved. I was thankful. I was so glad that they couldn’t get hold of her. So yeah, I guess I’m confiding it here because I just felt bad. Look at that, I was talking about how I handled the presentation, but instead got to writing about this. Better stop here. Till next time.

Life At The Moment

I am glad to announce that Eid this year for me was quite alright. I expected that I couldn’t eat anything, what with the morning sickness still kicking in. But I was wrong. I could eat, selectively maybe, but now I could eat compared to my early pregnancy days. In fact, I enjoyed Ibu’s cooking. I think that’s the best part of it. I enjoyed her Rendang Daging, Negri-style and her masak lemak cili api. She was cooking masak lemak cili api for me for the entire week that I was in Seremban.

So yeah, I’m stronger these days. And look good too I suppose since now I can put powder on my face and lipstick on my lips. I still can’t eat sambal type of food or any curry-related dishes and chicken for that matter, but I’m ok with what I can eat at the moment. It’s ok. I hope I will fully recover soon. My weight has also increased instead of falling. Last week’s check-up saw me putting on 2kg, so that makes my total weight now 55kg. So now I have to watch for my weight. I wouldn’t want to increase it too much. Otherwise, I would have trouble reducing it later. Well, not that I reduced much anyway, based on previous experiences, but who knows.

My boss has also been given me a lot of work. He says that the minute he hears my voice which I suppose sounds a lot healthier than before, he knows that I am better these days. So yeah, he has been giving me my work back. Previously, he was doing them on my behalf. It was kind of him I suppose. He hasn’t been complaining that I was absent most of the times from work. When I apologized to him, he just said that he completely understand, so I guess I have to give him credit for that, right.

But I really enjoyed my 1 week break in Seremban. I didn’t cook. Ibu did most of the cooking. Luckily my maid was around to help out. I can’t stand the smell you see. So I just took care of the kids. Bathe them, played with them and fed them. But I had a lot of talking sessions with Ibu. I love that. Ibu and I, we’re like best friends. Sometimes I can be quite strong-headed, and talking to Ibu during those times kind a make me feel ‘berdosa’ (sinful) to her because I contradict her in many ways. Sometimes forgetting that she is my Mother and I shouldn’t talk to her like that. But at that time, I was just kind of irritated with things that came out from her mouth. One of the incidences was when we talked about how she and Ayah are just too generous these days, with her kids (basically my brothers), and the fact that I wasn’t treated that way when I was still schooling. I guess I always complained the same thing whenever we talked about that. But I didn’t know that she felt bad and hurt whenever I touched on the matter.

I have always been independent during my study years. I never ask money from my parents because during my A-Level, I had my JPA scholarship, which wasn’t much mind you, but I managed. And during my university days, I lived solely on my monthly allowances. I NEVER called home to ask for money because converting RM to pound sterling can be a heavy burden for my parents. At that time, the exchange rate was at maximum about RM8 to a quid. So, I had always been ‘mothering’ my friends back during uni, reprimanding them whenever they buy silly things because our allowances weren’t so big. I didn’t like the idea of spending using overdraft which was quite common back then. The point was, I never ask them for money. Whenever they give, I will take, but I never ask.

When I got back, I looked for my own job. I bought a car using my own money (took from my Tabung Haji account, borrowed from Ibu, and arwah Uwan also gave me a bit – all to pay the deposit) and looked for my own job without getting my parents involved because I didn’t want to trouble them. And this went on until I got married. Things were different for my brothers. My second brother owned a car that Ibu bought for him, because she was worried of the travelling distance (from uni to home) and felt that a car would be safer. Though it was a second hand car, it was a car nonetheless. And when he bought his first car, Ayah contributed RM5k as deposit. Pocket money was also given since his monthly allowances were not enough. My third brother is I suppose is the luckiest one. His studies were fully funded by Ayah. And he seemed to get whatever he wants. An electric guitar, pocket money, etc, etc, all to encourage him to further studies and not get side-tracked on the wrong side of the street kind of thing. He actually got the PTPTN loan, but I suppose it wasn’t enough. He also got a car which Ibu gave to him. It used to be Ibu’s car but because he needed transportation, the car was given to him and Ayah bought Ibu a new car. My youngest brother, still studying is also now driving a car. Ibu allows him to drive her car (the one that Ayah bought for her) because it seems that his place of study is far from the hostel. I mean, I used to study at section 17, but I lived in section 18. I took the bus provided by the college or paid 60 sen for a mini bus ride to section 18.

I guess I was resentful of the fact that during my studies, I wasn’t given such lavishness compared to all my brothers, but I guess I have to bear in mind that Ayah didn’t make as much when I was still studying. But he is such a giver. Even though now that I am married, he still buys me a lot of things i.e. new kain to make baju kurung (I’ve still got about 4 of them not sewn yet), jade bangle (when he went to China a few months ago) and a lot of goodies for my children. But whenever Ibu and I touched on this matter, I was always dramatic and kept on stressing that I was independent, didn’t even ask money from my parents, little did I realize that Ibu was hurt, because it seemed to reflect that I wasn’t loved in the family and that my brothers seemed to have it all. So yeah, we had a stupid argument in relation to that matter where she touched on something that I am most sensitive about; Bie not having a fixed-income job and that I am the sole provider of the family. The thing that she said hurt me, so I ended up saying things back to her which later I regretted because I was saying it out of anger and just to spite her. She didn’t reply but walked out and left me in the kitchen alone.

I felt terrible. I didn’t mean to say nasty things to her. So yeah, I felt bad. All these while, I didn’t know that whenever we talked about it, she would be hurt. Now that I know, I have promised to myself that I will NEVER touch on that matter anymore. She hated it that I compared the way she treated her children like that. To her, she loves all her children the same. I was feeling terribly guilty after that, and the only thing I could do was to resolve never to mention the matter to her anymore. Yups.. I am promising to do that.

Apart from that terrible argument, the rest of my break in Seremban was nice. Relaxing. So yeah, that is what life is for me at the moment. Will update with Eid pictures soon.

Slow Morning

It is a slow morning here today. I am not particularly alert because my sleep was disrupted last night. I woke up at 2am because I needed to go to the toilet. Then Raqib woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. He insisted on wanting to watch the Powerpuff Girls at 2.30 in the morning. Bie wasn’t around. He went out after the kids fell asleep to hang out with his friends.. (yeah, I’m a considerate wife). So, I didn’t get any sleep at all until after 4.30am. I couldn’t shut my eyes. Though I was in bed, I couldn’t sleep thinking that Raqib was all alone outside watching TV. Naturally, I called Bie and asked him to come back soon so that he could look after his son. So yeah, he came back shortly after that, but my eyes still couldn’t be shut. So now this morning, I am not feeling particularly good. Maybe I’ll take a short nap at the surau later.

My leave for Eid break starts this Thursday (9th September). I will only come back to the office on the 20th of September. Quite a long break, but that’s quite natural for me, even though my hometown is only in Seremban. My in-laws live in KL. My boss (the big one i.e. head of division) always makes the same remarks whenever he sees my leave application, “It’s not like she’s travelling up north. Her hometown is only Seremban, why would she take long leave?”. But somehow, my leave is always approved. Well, my leave is my right. And it’s not like as if I take long leaves on a frequent basis. I only take them during the Eid break. I suppose that’s why he has never rejected my leave application.

When I come back on the 20th, I have to do a presentation to a fund manager based in Hong Kong somewhere. I thought it was only going to be just the one person, but no… his Singaporean counterparts are also interested to come and listen to the briefing. I hate that. I’ll get nervous and may blabber during my presentation. But my boss insists that I undertake the presentation on my own accord. Though he’ll be around, but he wants me to do it. Shucks..! I haven’t done any presentation in a long, long time. I wasn’t well. I don’t know what the latest updates are. So yeah, I may have to bring back some materials home with me during the Eid break. The presentation is at 9.30 in the morning. I don’t have much of a choice.

I can’t wait to go back home today. I just want to curl up in bed and watch Epilog Syurga Cinta. Yeah, I’m a sucker for Malay dramas at the moment. It started when I was unwell about 2 months ago and was in bed in my room most of the time. And since the TV in my room only shows three channels i.e. RTM1, RTM2 and TV3, I have been watching programs from only these three channels. And of late, I like watching Epilog Syurga Cinta. I like Zizan Nai. I think he’s cute. And he certainly is cute in this drama. But yeah, it’s your typical Malay drama. The guy is sort of blind to Islam, whereas the girl is very Islam-oriented. And yeah, the guy falls for the girl, but the mother is opposing to it because she doesn’t reflects the sort of person that a wealthy family who are called Tan Sri and Puan Sri would want. So you kind of already know what the plotline is, as well as the story line, but who cares, it’s something to look forward to at 6.30 in the evening.

It’s already 11am by my clock here. Maybe I’m ready for that nap..? Hhmm… but I need to go to the ladies first. Heck, I just went there a few minutes ago. My stomach hasn’t been too well. I don’t know why, hence why I woke up at 2 in the morning. But I am definitely taking the nap. I have to, or else I wouldn’t be too good.

It’s Been Ages

Hi all. It truly has been ages since I have updated anything here. I wonder why? Well, first and foremost, I am just not up for it. I don’t have the mood. I have not been well since the end of June 2010, and now, though I am still not that well, I have been making recovery. Slowly, but recovering nonetheless.

It all started in the third week of June. I bought the usual pregnancy test kit at the local pharmacy store. I was late for 10 days. It was nothing unusual. Since the few months before that, I have been late for more than a week, on few occasions. But this delay was a bit different because suddenly I could feel my sense of smell becoming acutely sensitive. The smell of oil being fried was a testimony to that, and I didn’t like the smell. So I thought, why not take the test.

So before taking my shower the next morning, I took the test. I waited for about 4 minutes and imagine my surprise when I saw 2 red lines. “Oh Allah.. is this true? Am I pregnant?”. I was excited. I have been trying for a few months before that. But I guess due to work pressures and all, somehow there was no luck. But with the test results at hand, I suppose I couldn’t dispute it, unless of course I went to see my gynecologist to confirm my finding, which I didn’t feeli like doing unless I was really sick.

I think I said too soon. Three days after I took the test, I started to become nauseous. I started to dislike cooking smells. And I couldn’t cook. I asked my maid to cook, but I couldn’t eat what she prepared. The smell was too overpowering. I began to lose my appetite. I couldn’t eat. I began to drink less water. I couldn’t stand the taste of plain water. I tried to take juice but the after-taste of it was just something I couldn’t take. I became weak. I wasn’t eating nor was I drinking any fluid. I tried to take some fruits. Like apples or oranges, but I couldn’t hold them in my stomach for long. Within an hour, it all came back out. Rather than run to the bathroom to vomit, I had a special bucket at my side to throw up.

I was in bed most of the time. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t entertain my kids. I told my maid to stop the kids from entering the room because I couldn’t handle them. Furthermore, they somehow have a distinctive smell about them. The smell of sweat, saliva and yesterday’s food, I couldn’t stand them. Thus began the day I stopped hugging and kissing them… [sigh].. those poor children. I felt like I was a neglecting mother (I did neglect them.. luckily my maid was around). My maid taught Marsya and Raqib that I was not well and that they shouldn’t disturb me. Marsya understood, but Raqib was finding it difficult to understand. I mean, he’s only three years old. What does he know. So my maid resorted to something which I myself disliked, but it had to be done… she locked my bedroom door so that the kids couldn’t enter. It was something that I found very difficult to accept, but I had no choice. I could still remember Raqib banging on the door, crying, calling for me, wanting to enter the room. It was quite terrible.

Because of my weakness, I had no choice but to see my gynecologist sooner than I intended. She confirmed that I was pregnant, but she also said that I was severely dehydrated and advised that I be hospitalized for drips. I told her rather than stay at the hospital, I’d rather stay just during the day and have the saline dripped into me there and then. So the next day, I came back to the hospital and had 3 bottles of saline dripped into my body. My gynecologist wanted to see me the following week for further observation. I did, and as she suspected, no improvement. And she insisted that I be hospitalized so that I could be monitored. I dreaded it. I really did. But I myself had a huge suspect that I was going to be hospitalized. So on 13th July 2010, I was hospitalized for 3 days and 2 nights. My poor children came to visit and cried each time they had to leave. It broke my heart. But I didn’t have a choice. I was weak like a sack of potatoes. I didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone. I had been on medical leave for 3 weeks (luckily I had a very understanding boss); all I know is that I had to get better. My gynecologist still wanted to see me the following week, and I did. I was still dehydrated, and was losing weight fast. She didn’t know what to do. All she knew was to put more drips into me. So the next day, I went to the hospital again and stayed during the day for the saline water to be dripped into me. 3 bottles were utilised. Upon returning from the hospital that day, I knew that I was still going to be unwell. I was right. The minute I got home, I threw up… again.

So yes, July was the worst. I was not in the position to get out of bed at all. I was forever in bed, feeling very weak, refusing to eat or drink. It was terrible. Alhamdulillah, in August (though I was still occasionally on medical leave), I began to eat. There was no appetite for luxurious food. I still don’t have any of that yet (till today, though I hope I would be recovering soon), but I have begun to eat bread. So it’s wholemeal bread for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner, with slices of cheese or hot milo. That was all that I could eat. My fruit is guava. The only fruit I could eat. As for drinks, a colleague of mine introduced me to this type of zam-zam mineral water that was supposed to give energy especially for people who are fasting (Ramadhan was approaching). He thought it would be good for me, so he dropped a few drops into my water. I liked the taste. The water didn’t taste as bad. So yeah, I have been dropping a few drops of the zam-zam mineral water in my drinks till to-date. And it has been doing me good, Alhamdulillah for that. August was such an improvement compared to July.

Ayah has also been calling me nearly everyday to determine whether I have started taking rice or not. Yes it is endearing that he calls everyday to check how I was doing, but at times it was all just too much. There were times, when I was just too sick, I refused to pick up calls from everyone, including Ayah. Poor Bie, he had to become my secretary to explain why I didn’t pick up calls.

Anyway, last weekend, which happened to be the final week of August, I went back to Seremban. Acik and Maksu were there. There was supposed to be an Iftar gathering at Acik’s house. I went back all the same for the sake of my kids. They haven’t been seeing people for the past weeks. Blame it on their Umi. Ibu was also telling me to go back, saying, “Campur sikit dengan orang. Asyik terperap duduk dalam bilik jer”, roughly translated, “mix with society will you. Don’t just stay in your room”. So yeah, I had no choice but to go to Acik’s house for the Iftar gathering. I didn’t really like to go to Acik’s house if I was having morning sickness. You see, her house has this ventilation problem. Or, was it just my nose. Anyway, I refused to enter the house until they all broke fast. But because there were a lot of mosquitoes outside (huge ones which looked quite deadly), I finally entered the house and walked straight to the dinner table, holding my breath as I tried not to look at the food.

I was uncomfortable. Everyone was eating. I tried to focus on the watermelon on the table, and took a few slices. By that time, everyone was nearly finishing. Then I caught sight of a yellow dish on the table. It was Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Tempe. I found out that Acik was the one who cooked it, and she makes really nice masak lemak cili api. Somehow, I could distinguish the smell of the gulai from all the other dishes on the table. I asked for a bowl, and a bit of rice. I wanted to try the gulai. I took a small spoonful of rice with the coconut-flavoured gulai as my sauce and put it in my mouth. I swallowed it. I didn’t feel the urge to throw up or anything. I tried a second spoon. Same effect, no gagging to throw up. And without I realize it, I have finished the rice in the bowl. The gulai was good. I liked it. And that was my first experience of eating rice, after more than 2 months not touching a single grain of rice.

I am now 14 weeks, in other words, 3 and half months into my pregnancy. By Syawal, I should be in my 15th week. I am so looking forward to my 20th week. Still a long way to go. So yes, I am counting the days and weeks because based on my experience, by my 20th week, I’ll be so much better. In fact, probably back to my healthy self, except of course with a bigger tummy. At the moment, there is a tummy, but it is very small. I can still fit into my old clothes. In fact, I am wearing clothes that I bought before I got married nearly 8 years ago. I now weigh 53kg; that’s about 6-7kg drop from my pre-pregnant days, and in just over 2 months. I have to admit that I like being slim like this, but the fact that I also look unhealthy; I don’t think I want to look like this. Even the nurse at the hospital thought that I just gave birth when for actual fact, I am pregnant.

This weekend, Ibu is coming to KL to bring me Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Bacang dengan Ikan Tenggiri. I asked her to put extra coconut milk and hope that the bacang is sour. And yeah, I am kind of looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading. I know it’s quite long compared to my normal entry, but I just wanted to share with the rest of the world of how I am at the moment. Please pray for my well-being, and also for the baby that I’m carrying to be in good health.

Happy Eid-ul Fitr everyone!