Tired Lah Today

I am so not up to be doing anything today. I just feel so tired. Deprive of sleep even though I think I slept quite enough. Well, at this age and time considering my current condition, six to seven hours of sleep should be sufficient. I seriously want more, but too bad. I just do not have the luxury.

I have so many things to do. A board paper to be finalized by tomorrow (first draft), a letter (BM version), and my PMS form. All of them by tomorrow. I dislike doing PMS form. I know it’s important, but I just do not have the heart to do it. Especially when there are certain KPIs which have not been met yet. I hate this KPI thingy. Everything is so individual-oriented that people will do anything to ensure that their KPIs are achieved, even if it means trampling other people’s heads. It’s just not the way I do things. I am more of a team-oriented person. I believe that output and solutions are better when done in teams. Oh well, you can’t have it all.

I don’t like to b@#%h about work, but sometimes I just need to let it out of my system. I don’t believe in staying back very late in the office just so that I can finish certain things (unless they’re really urgent and is required first thing the next morning). I have kids. I want to go home to them. It’s bad enough that during the day, the maid looks after them. So in the evenings, I want to be there for them. To cuddle them, and talk to them, and entertain whatever requests they have (though it can be very cumbersome, but they deserve my attention… pity my kids). Though I don’t work late like some of my other colleagues, my usual ‘home-time’ is about 7-ish. So yes, I usually leave the office around that time every day. Kasihan kan my kids? Bear in mind that the office closes at 5.30pm.

Today will also be like one of those days. I think I’m going to leave at 8pm. I have to. In fact, I was supposed to go for training starting from Wednesday to Friday. But because of unfinished work, I can’t. It’s such a loss really because people say this training that I am supposed to attend is really good. Heck, a colleague of mine came back wearing a tudung. So I suppose it must be really good. One needs some soul cleansing after a while. I know I do. I’m not terrible. But I am after all human. Humans make a LOT of mistakes. But since I can’t go, well not this time at least, then I wouldn’t know. Too bad kan. Sayang…

Now I can barely open my eyes. I think it probably has to do with the visit to the dentist yesterday (well, actually it’s not related whatsoever, but I still want to blame it on my visit to the dentist). The dentist said my wisdom tooth needs a filling. So she did the filling. But the filling was temporary and that I was supposed to come back to her in 2 weeks time to decide whether to extract the wisdom tooth out. She said there was no point leaving it there coz it serves no purpose. And keeping it will only result in more food being stuck there resulting in plaque and bacteria-breeding. So, now I have to decide. I know that by the end of the day, I might need to have it removed. It doesn’t really hurt at the moment. But it affects the gums at that area. The dentist said I’ve got gums problem. I was a bit offensive. I mean, who wouldn’t right. The mouth area and whatever inside it, is very sacred, and here’s the dentist saying I’ve got gums problem. Well, not the whole of the gums, but the gums near the wisdom tooth. Oh heck.. I have just got to decide, and that is to remove it. Even how painful it will be. Look at me. Rambling about tooth issue. Stop..

Conclusion.. I am just so very tired today. I want to go home…

Tembam, Berisi.. You Mean, Fat?

I have officially gained weight. I haven’t weighed myself, but I think my clothes spoke for themselves. After Eid, my weight just seems to ‘mencanak-canak’ naik. This is actually a bad thing. I am not supposed to gain weight, well not much anyway. I remember the days when I used to eat almost anything, excessively and I did not gain any weight. These days, I still eat the same amount of food, BUT my weight has also increased. Blame it on childbirth, yeah.. I’ve endured two labours and had my weight increased by 17kg. But there are also other women out there who have experienced numerous childbirths, but still have not gained much weight. Or perhaps the slower metabolisme rate now that I have entered into the 30’s realm. Oh man.. it’s just me. I love food. I love to eat. Maybe I have to start eating something to control my appetite. But that wouldn’t be me. I don’t like the idea of eating pills to curb my appetite and control my food in-take.

Why am I feeling that I’ve gone fat? How do I know this? Well, let’s just say that I have some very honest friends. Aarrgghh…!! How do I deal with this? Stop eating altogether? Nope.. that wouldn’t be me. No rice, no bread, no wheat or pasta, no coconut gravy food, no sugar, no chocolate, no ice-cream, no mayonnaise, no cheese, no fried food [and I can go on and on and on…]. I don’t know if I can live like that. But, I know I have to do something. At least so that I’ll fit in nicely into my clothes, so that bits and pieces do not stick out unnecessarily. Yes.. I do have bits and pieces. Not really that nice looking, I can assure you, especially when the pants’ waist suddenly became a bit too tight. Or it suddenly became a bit difficult to pull the pants up, near the butt area. Hehehehe…

Yesterday I had lunch at Delicous, Bangsar Village II. I had a Rueben Classic (basically a beef sandwich, with pickles and melted cheese – really nice, and the bread was toasted and grilled by the looks of it), and many side dishes which were shared among the six of us. Well, the side dishes are basically a Shepherd’s pie, Wedges with sour sauce, Roasted Tomato on Bruschetta, and Fried Calamari. I basically finished off most of them. Then of course we sampled from each other’s plates. The steak was nice. Really thick and juicy. The Fish and Chips were ok (I finished Yanti’s fish). And the pasta was ok. I like the Salmon Carbonarra. So macam mana tak gained weight? Of course my friends like to see I eat. They say I make the foods look really good and delicious. And they could spend a few minutes just looking at me eating. What can I say, I’m food fetish. I know I’ve got to put a stop to it. At least reduce about 50 percent of what I am currently consuming. But it’s so hard…!! [sigh]..

So yes I am quite tembam these days. Heck my daughter remarked something the other day which will make me remember it forever and ever, “Kak Long tak nak gemuk macam Umi”, roughly translated, “I don’t want to be fat like Umi”. Can you imagine my three coming to four year-old daughter said that? Kids these days are just so direct. During my days, if I were to say such things (well, not as young as three or four, but at least ten), Ibu will ‘carut’ me and say, “Cili mulut tu karang”, roughly translated as it is intended to mean, “I’ll put blazing hot chilli in your mouth if you say that”. Hehehehe.. a bit of a mouthful isn’t it, compared to the BM one. Ibu is one very ‘garang’ mother back then. I’ll probably share with all on how ‘garang’ Ibu was in future blog updates.

Anyway, I have to do something about the weight. I still want to look good in them. I don’t want to wear clothes that seemed to burst open when I put them on, metaphorically speaking of course. Or maybe this is actually a sign from God that I should start covering where appropriate. Hhmm… I don’t know. I guess it’s something that I should also be thinking about. Not now though.

Interested In Me? Perasan..

I was in JB yesterday. The company arranged a raya gathering for its staff and guests. The delicious Fahrin Ahmad was the emcee (I think he is very good looking, and I like him – I don’t normally drool over Malay actors, but Fahrin is an exception), while the performer was Ziana Zain. She was alright. But she looks really good though. Body and all.

Anyway, I met a few of my Johor colleagues whom I don’t usually meet because we only talk on the phone. One of them was Mr A. He’s into one of those young executive schemes. I have met him once before, and talked for quite a number of times on the phone. He was alright. Quite big in size and seems pleasant enough. But he is definitely not my type. Anyway, I saw him yesterday and we talked. I wasn’t that close to him, so when I received a text message from him while heading back towards KL, I was a little surprised.

Mr A : Hi Mel. Mr A here. Sorry for the event. Apa-apa jer kan. By the way, thanks for coming. Send my regards to FSR as well and safe journey. Take care.

Me : The event was ok. I quite liked it. Perhaps we’ll do better next year. Thanks for the wish.

Mr A : If you don’t mind, how old are you? Myself, 25. 2nd November ni my convocation. Baru nak convo.. silly.

Me : [smiling]… how old do you think I am?

Mr A : Eerrmm.. girls are always like that. Rasa macam sebaya dengan I, tapi nampak macam experienced. Eerrrmm.. 27? No.., 25? Yes, 25.

…and I haven’t even replied to his last text message coz I was still beaming with pride as he thought I was 27 or 25, I received another text message from him. Seriously.., you have got to be kidding me. What’s up with this kid? Is he interested in me? I don’t know. But it’s kind of nice seeing that someone much younger than me thought I was his age. I LIKE [smiling from ear to ear].

Mr A : I salah cakap ke. Sorry.

Me : No. Thank you. I’m flattered. But I am actually older than that.

Mr A : Ok, ok. I won’t disturb you. I pun nak mandi. Tidurlah. Bye.

And that was that. I didn’t reply to his last text message. I don’t think I ought to encourage him. But my friends were making a fuss saying that the kid’s got a crush on me. I mean, for real?? I don’t think so. I think he was just being nice. He looked nice yesterday.

So on the way back home, I told Bie about the text messages.

Me : Do you think he’s interested in me, or was I being perasan?

Bie : [smiling..] No comment.

Me : You’re a guy. You should know.

Bie : Well, maybe sebab you banyak cakap. And most guys suka perempuan yang banyak cakap. Including me lah kot. I suka perempuan banyak cakap.

Me : [looking at him from the side with a look that said, oh my God.. you’re cute when you say that. He rarely says that sort of thing, so when he does, I just want to treasure them in my head – shows how rare it is.. hahahaha] Oh yeah [..questioningly].. Doesn’t that annoy you? Some guys hate it when girls talk too much.

Bie : Tengok dia cakap apa lah. Bukan simply cakap.

Me : You mean, not like yapping or anything and talk nonsense? You mean, intelligent stuff?

Bie : Yeah.. well, something like that lah kot. Tengok Lorq. Dia pun suka perempuan banyak cakap. Tengok Nizza.

Me : Itu sebab dia dulu pernah suka kat I. That’s why he tries to find someone that’s like me [lawak, but sometimes I felt that Lorq pernah at one time, liked me. I know Gurls.. don’t laugh. I’m being perasan. Sajer jer.. the feeling got stuck in my head the day he preached to me about wearing a head scarf after he got back from one of those perhimpunan musim luruh in the UK… and when we got back to Malaysia, I always hang out with him. We went to Coffee Bean, buka puasa at Restoren Nelayan… hahahaha..!! That’s me lah, being perasan.. JOKING only lorr.. kalau Lorq tau pun I know he’s going to laugh his head off].

Bie : [smiling..] Agaknya lah kot..

And that was that. Funny ain’t it.

32 Here I Come

For the first time ever, I am proud to announce that I turned 32 on 19th October 2008. I have always been sensitive whenever someone asks me my age. And my favourite reply would be, “How old do you think I am?” which was a classic really coz some of my friends knew that, that would be the response. Previously, I dislike hearing the responses. Most of them guessed numbers that were beyond my actual age. That kind a make me a little upset. Not upset in a sensitive kind of way, but upset like, “What? Do I look older than that? Alaaaahhh..” Call it silly if you want, but I just didn’t like people to think that I am actually older than my age. I guess it’s the looks. Or is it the body. I don’t know. I mean, wouldn’t you be upset if you’re actually 26 and people thought you were 29? Of course I despised that. Good-naturedly of course.

But lately, that has begun to change. Some of my colleagues thought I was in my late 20s [smiling happily], and another thought I was 30 [smiling yet again… gleefully]. Long story cut short, I don’t get anymore replies saying that I look older than my actual age [except for that one time]. I like it. And I want to remain looking late 20s, or just 30 for a few more years to come. Hopefully.. [wishful thinking… hahahahaha].

My birthday fell on a weekend. A Sunday, to be exact. My parents were in town because Ayah wanted to buy a camera for my brother. They were also in town because they wanted to celebrate my birthday. They wanted to buy a cake, and have a short prayer accompanied by our close family members (consisting of my parents, in-laws, and my brother). And that could only mean one thing. I have to cook [sigh.. I knew it. I knew that I would have to do the planning, and the cooking yet again. It is just so tiring. But for Ayah’s sake – not so much for me, I agreed]. So I decided to cook Nasi Tomato, with Ayam Masak Merah and Dalca.

So on the Sunday, after breakfast, we went to Carrefour. This was the first time that I went shopping for grocery at that time of the day, and I find it rather pleasant. Not many people in Carrefour. There were many free counters. I liked it. So I bought whichever items listed in my shopping list [and also some items not listed there], went to Secret Recipe and bought the Classic Cheesecake [I prefer Capuccino but there were kids around, and I don’t think I’d want them to be eating Cappucino], then we rushed back to the house to cook. Alhamdulillah by 1pm, everything was on the cooker, waiting to be fully cooked. I went inside my room coz my boy wanted to have his midday napping while the maid fried spring rolls, curry puffs and tempura nugget [instant ones; I don’t have the talent to be making any kuih]. By 1.30pm, my brother-in-law and his family came. And at 2pm, my parents-in-laws arrived. And that was the whole family. So we recited some prayers, and after that, we ate.

By 6pm, I was so tired. But I fought the tiredness because my parents-in-laws were around. I need to entertain them, after all I am a good daughter-in-law [snigger.. ]. Then after Maghrib, Lin dropped by with her husband. She hated that my Dalca turned out alright. Hers didn’t [but her biryani rice was nice]. They left at 9.30pm. I was very tired at that time, but resorted to follow Bie to make his credit card payment at Citibank. And I took the kids with me. Why? Well, ONE: they hadn’t gone anywhere that day, and TWO: I want them to fall asleep so that when we reach home, I can just put them to bed.

We reached home at 11.30pm. The kids were both asleep. I cleaned up, said good night to Bie who was watching TV outside, and went to bed. It was a good sleep. And that was how I spent the day. Tired, but fulfilling. I must say, it’s been a while since I celebrated a birthday like that. And on top of that, so many people wished me happy birthday. It’s just so nice. Let’s see, it began at 12.04am, where I received a text message from Bie wishing me a happy birthday [he acted so cool about it on the day before my birthday that I wondered whether he actually remembered it], then the next day, quite a number of text messages and phone calls. It was nice.

Gift? Well.. I didn’t receive any, except for the birthday cake courtesy of Ayah. Yes one would think that my dearest Bie should give me something, but I don’t want to impose. I know that financially he’s not quite stable. The fact that he pays the house installments and relevant bills are good enough for me. But I can’t quite ask him for a present. Well, ONE: I want to be surpised, and TWO: I don’t want to impose. He needs whatever monies he has for other purposes, more important than my birthday gift.

Like I said, I like to be surpised. I don’t really mind if it is the least expensive gift, but the feeling I get for being surpised is most wonderful. I have to admit that after a while of marriage, there are no more surprises like that. Whenever he buys me gifts, it’s always, “So you nak apa?” And we would go together to buy it. Not really a surpise I guess, but it’s nice also. But I do remember the birthdays I had before I got married to him. I guess he did try his best to surprise me. The relevant ones I remember before we were married was one time when he fetched me from work. It was one of those working Saturdays. I opened the car door, and there was a teddy bear [which later I called Teddy-Bie] sitting on the passenger seat holding a birthday card. It was so cute. I liked it. Teddy-Bie is still around. It sleeps with Marsya now, as she claims that Teddy-Bie is hers. And then the Chanel Allure perfume he bought for me [my favourite fragrance, something I’d like to call, my signature], where he kept it in the dashboard of the car and he asked me to open the dashboard. I did. And there was the perfume. It was funny. He did try his best.

After we got married, we sort of went shopping for birthday gifts together because his birthday also fell in October [end of the month]. So it was like, “What do you want for your birthday?” thing. But these days, I just don’t feel like imposing for a gift. I don’t remember getting anything last year (it was the fasting month anyway) and I don’t think I’m getting anything this year. Takperlah.. one needs to sacrifice right? Insya Allah, when there’s rezeki, I’ll get what I want. He knows what I want, but tulah. It is not the right time to impose. I just hope that he’ll “strike gold soon”, then I can start showing him my wish list. But I do hope for a surpise. It’s nice to be surprised once in a while.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME..

How Was Your Eid?

I celebrated Eid in KL this year i.e. with Bie’s family. It was alright. Tired is part and parcel of celebrating Eid, especially if you’ve got small children to deal with. I have to admit, celebrating Eid when you have kids, is actually enjoyable. Especially if your kid is at that age who likes to talk a lot, and not shy to speak to strangers and make new friends. Ayah bought 2 sets of baju kurung for Marsya and 1 set of baju melayu for Raqib. Acik bought Raqib the other set of baju melayu. Biased that I am, I thought they looked adorable. Ayah certainly has taste in selecting nice clothes.

The first day was spent visiting close relatives’ houses. The second day, people came to the house. I made curry mee. My parents came to my in-laws’ house as they went to Bentong to visit their new grandson. So on their way back to Seremban, they made a stop in KL. It was good to see them.

The next day, we went back to Seremban. The whole family. Even my in-laws came back with us because they wanted to visit their cousins in Ampangan. Their cousins are descendants of Dato’ Shahbandar or something (don’t ask me, coz I don’t know much) and they live in this big beautiful old house with nice lawns fronting the main road near the traffic light. I have always wanted to know how the house looks like. When I was in school, I would pass by the house everytime going and coming back from school. I thought it was such a unique and beautiful house and I always wondered how it looked like from the inside. And God answered my prayers. I married someone who is related to the family living in that house. The first time I stepped foot in the house, I was excited. I wanted to see everything. Though it is an old house, it has been renovated for quite a number of times. As wooden as it may seem from the outside, the inside of it is all stones and cement. There are little doorways which I was curious about (but I can’t simply open the doors and push them, it wouldn’t be appropriate) and steep wooden stairs leading to the kitchen on the ground floor. I like the house. It’s beautiful. And I have been looking forward to go to that house ever since, whenever there is a chance. My children tak payah tanyalah. They LOVE the house. I think it’s because of the huge lawn. They were running here and there making the most of the short, beautiful green grass and the swing.

Anyway, after the Ampangan house, we went back to my parents. My school friends came over after 3pm. They brought food, cakes and chicken. Some of them I haven’t met for quite a number of years. It was good.

The next day was spent at my grandmother’s pusara, and then we went back to Kuala Pilah to visit Uwan Teh and Pak Ngah.

So basically that was how I spent my Eid.

I came back to work on Wednesday. But on Tuesday, I took the opportunity to take my kids out to KLCC. First we had breakfast at McDonald, then we took the LRT (Marsya was excited. She didn’t want to sit down, insisting on wanting to look outside even when we were in the tunnel). It is honestly a wonderful experience going on the LRT and KLCC with your kids. I absolutely enjoyed it. Even Raqib was being very quiet in the pushchair as if absorbing all the things he saw. At first we wanted to go on the skybridge. But by the time we got there, the tickets have all been issued i.e. finished. Too bad. Marsya would have loved to have gone up there. Maybe next time. Because of that, we went to Petrosains instead. This proved successful, because Marsya enjoyed herself in there. I myself was surprised because from the outside, it didn’t look like it had much. But once inside, Bie and I were a little surprised to discover that there were many exhibitions and galleries inside. In fact, we spent three hours in there. Talk about being science freaks, which we’re not. But we enjoyed the exhibitions. I especially enjoy looking at my daughter enjoying herself. The feeling was nice and warm. I love them all SO much. Hehehehe.. (that’s me.. being an overbearing Umi).

Next time, we’ll go to Aquamarine and perhaps a picnic in the park. I know my children will truly enjoy themselves there.

I Have A Nephew Now

On Saturday morning, 20th September 2008, I received a text message from my brother saying that his wife has safely delivered a baby boy, weighing at 3.85kg. It was a natural birth, although the doctor has to use a vacuum to get the baby out. I was excited. This will be my first, direct nephew. Because I was in Seremban, my parents and I drove to SJMC (in one car, the maid was left at home) to see them.

We reached the hospital at noon. The traffic jam can still be quite bad at the Summit area even though it was a Saturday. I don’t know when that area will improve. In terms of traffic, I mean.

When we got to the room, the wife was resting (she was asleep, evidently tired from labour) and the baby was placed next to her, also sleeping. I couldn’t wait to pick him up. Of course Ibu picked him up first. His eyes were small and his nose was all round, buttony and cute. I passed Raqib to my brother, and proceeded to pick the newly born baby.

I like it that he snuggled up to me naturally. He felt so light too. But of course, 3.85kg is already big and I can imagine the pain that the wife had to endure in getting him out of her womb. My son Raqib was 3.80kg. And that my dear friends, was already VERY big.

My brother had a very happy look on his face. He kept on looking at the baby. Wanting to see him open his eyes, and wanting to see anything that the baby might have done within a span of five minutes (which isn’t very much for a newly born baby). My daughter too was excited. She kept on touching the baby’s face, and patting his legs gently, coaxing the baby to go to sleep. It was cute to see her does that. But of course that doesn’t mean that I need to get pregnant anytime soon. Not yet anyway.

We were at the hospital until 8pm. After breaking fast with a piece of kurma, a mineral bottle, and a bar of chocolate, we bid farewell to the new parents and rushed off to the nearest restaurant in a state of sheer hunger. After a plate of rice and rendang chicken, we made our way back to Seremban.

So yeah, I have a nephew now. Both mother and baby are at her parents’ house, recuperating. I don’t think I’ll be seeing them anytime soon. Perhaps during the Raya holidays.

The Pictures I Promised

Remember I promised some pictures taken during my trip to Terengganu with the family? Well, here are those pictures. Enjoy..

This is the sea view from our rooms

Raqib, Marsya and Bie enjoying themselves in the pool

Raqib just loves the water

Marsya by the pool. It was difficult to coax her into leaving the pool

The lunch we had at my parents' balcony

The pool where we swam in. It was really nice

The garden view from our rooms

This was the beach volleyball court

I was trying to get Raqib to walk

That's the whole family, except for Haikal, my youngest brother who had to leave us quite early coz he had to register at his university after a semester break

That's MY family

Friends: Season 2, Episode 7

I have always been a Friends fanatic. I remember most of the lines (well, the famous ones) and I most certainly remember some of the lines in Season 2, Episode 7: The One Where Ross Finds Out. In fact, it is one of my favourite episodes. It was where Rachel was drunk, but she had a date with Mike, and called Ross to tell him that she was over him. Then she threw the phone inside that wine cold-bucket-thingy. The next day, with a hang-over, she didn’t remember she made the call, until Ross wanted to listen to his messages and was surprised that there was a message from Rachel for him. Rachel, from her room, rushed to him to stop him from listening, but was too late. Ross had heard the message. Shocked and a little surprised, he said, “You are over me. But when were you under me?”. Gosh.. I just love that episode. It was so nice.

And later, he caught her at Central Perk, told her off and said that, “This ship has sailed”. But later he came back, watched her through the glass door who happened to be crying, and eagerly waited for Rachel to open the door. He went in, grabbed her and kissed her. It was sooooo good. I love that scene. I can watch it over and over and over again.

Ok, you must be wondering why I am writing this. Well two days ago, I just saw that particular episode on Star World (I am never tired watching Frinds re-runs) and it brought back nice memories. I remembered watching it first when I was in the UK. I remembered that the some of the Gurls (you know who you are.. don’t deny and be embarrassed about it) and I would watch video tapes of Friends non-stop (some of us bought the tapes) and whenever we were at that episode, we would be watching it with excitement. We were so into romance back then. Being young, childish and wanting to experience love, of course we loved the scene. And we loved watching it over and over again. It was funny. It was nice.

Of course I have the complete episodes of Friends, but the one where Ross finds out was burnt (Bie’s niece borrowed the tapes, and when her house burnt down, the tapes burnt with it. Too bad, I know..!!. But no worries, we’re getting the first four seasons. It’s not difficult to buy them now. Besides, everything’s in DVDs now. The ones that burnt down were on video tapes - during my UK student days).

Anyway, I though I’d share it with you. I love Friends and will always love Friends. If any of you are interested to have a marathon of Friends, let me know. I guess I can arrange something.

May we all have a circle of good Friends to watch over us.

What Should I Do

I went back to Seremban over the weekends to have Iftar with the family. I love it whenever I go back there during Ramadhan. Ayah would buy all sorts of food; interesting ones, appetizing ones and most of the time, too much (yes, sometimes Ibu would bicker about the amount spent on the foods and how later they would all be wasted), but these days I think Ayah has improved quite a lot. He still buys foods, but in moderation. It’s fun going to Pasar Ramadhan with him and I think Marsya knows that (she can twist her Atuk at her little finger.. easily. Nak buat camner? First grandchild).

Anyway, yes.. it was nice to go back. It felt comfortable. I guess, after being married for 6 years and having two kids, I just miss that ‘homey’ feeling. I’m not saying that my current home isn’t ‘homey’. It is, but once in a while, especially during Ramadhan, I just felt like wanting to be that young girl again. The girl whom Ayah picked up at the bus station on late Friday afternoons where later, that girl and Ayah would go to Pasar Ramadhan together and buy all sorts of foods and goodies, varieties of kuih-muih, yong tau foo, rojak Singapore, roti john, murtabak… [sigh].. the memories are just so comforting.

Last weekend was no different, except that now I have two kids with me.

Anyway, enough about these memories. Last night, I had a short conversation with Ibu. We were in the car heading towards Acik’s house after terawih. Acik wanted to see my kids (she missed them) and she had bought Raqib a Baju Melayu. A bit big for him (who am I kidding.. IT IS big for him), but I think he looks cute in it. She told me that she’s worried about my dearest Bie. She wanted him to get a proper job. She felt that the current political scenario these days are not conducive for anyone who wanted to start up a construction company especially if you don’t have anough capital or have the right contact. Besides, current contacts will ensure that they’re ‘full first’ before considering others. I kept quiet. I don’t know whether I should be defensive or agree with her. She further said that as a mother, she feels for me. She feels for the kids. She doesn’t want me to endure any hardship. It’s enough that things were difficult for the family when my brothers and I were little, so now she doesn’t want to see me encountering such difficulty.

I guess I was a little defensive last night. I told her that things are ok. And that Bie does help out. At least I don’t have to pay the monthly house instalments or pay the bills. Bie ensures that all those things are paid for. He does get money from some of the miscellanous things that he’s doing, except that he needs to save wherever necessary coz he will not be getting paid on a monthly basis. Ibu said she understands, but she is still worried. She wants me to consider a proper job for Bie. A job with a salary on a monthly basis.

I don’t how how to react to this. I want Bie to be successful at what he’s doing. He’s been on it for a year and a half now and I don’t want to see all efforts gone to waste. I guess luck is just not on his side yet. But I don’t know. I’m ok now with the whole idea. I am emotionally accepting it. But Ibu and perhaps also some other people i.e. my brothers, aunts, and/or uncles may not be keen to the idea anymore. I don’t know. But I know Ibu is worried. She wishes that Bie considers on getting a proper job. I don’t know what to think.

Before we got off from the car, Ibu told me not to be ‘kecik hati’ or feel disheartened. She’s saying it coz she loves me. She can’t bear to see me endure any hardship or difficulty. I completely understand that. I’m her daughter. What mother wants to see her child in problems? I told her that I’m ok with it, though inside I felt a little sad. Sad at… I don’t know what. I am not angry with Ibu. She has every right to say those things. But I don’t think I should be angry at Bie as well. He has his dreams and wishes to see those dreams being fulfilled. I guess now he knows that it’s not easy to start up something. It requires a lot of patience, persevarence and tolerance. I am really at a crossroad. I still want to support Bie to accomplish whatever he intends to do. But I don’t want to ignore Ibu’s advice totally. I think I’m still able to support Bie (financially and mentally… hopefully), but the question is, till when? Ayah hasn’t said anything. My brothers haven’t said anything. My parents-in-laws haven’t been saying anything (if they do, I don’t think they’d discuss it with me). No one has said anything to me except for Ibu. And I don’t think I should ignore that.

Yesterday, while in the car heading towards Rembau to buy foods for Iftar (I know.. a bit too far to buy our juadah berbuka puasa, but Ayah likes to take drives before Iftar, and that was how we ended up in Rembau), Bie told expressed his tiredness at what he’s doing. There seems to be nothing and he was just tired of it. He even thought of ‘burying’ GSSB (his company). I felt sad for him. I remember him being all eager when he first wanted to set up. He came up with a variety of names for his company, and even came up with his own logo, which I think is very nice. It’s like as if there are three persons holding up something (a ball or something); together. The three persons represent himself and his two partners. But now, Bie seems to be the only person holding up that ball. His two other partners have long gone.

I don’t what to do. What should I do? I really hope to get answers soon. I hope Allah will help me clear my head on this..

Cutting Queue

I can’t understand why some people do not have the decency to be more civic-minded these days. It’s just so irritating to find these people selfishly went ahead their business without thinking whether their actions are causing hardships to other people. Somehow I have very low tolerance for people like this. Is it so very hard to be civic? Didn’t their mothers teach them? Ok..that’s a bit harsh, and I shouldn’t say that. But it irritates me to see people becoming more selfish everyday.

Last Saturday, I went to Mid Valley. There were a lot of people there. I was with my kids, Bie and the maid. First we went to Metrojaya to buy Marsya her Raya shoes (I know it’s too soon, but the shoes were on sale), then to Jusco for Raqib’s pajamas (it’s cheaper there.. I am not the type that buys expensive pajamas for her children). After that, we did a bit of grocery shopping in Carrefour. There were just so many people there. Everyone doing their last minute shopping to stock up their fridges and kitchen cabinets with food in view of the Ramadhan. So of course there were long queues everywhere. And like any respectable human being, everyone queued up for their turns to pay for the items that they bought. And do note that each person has a trolley full of things, so the cashier did take quite a while to settle payment for each customer.

I was standing behind two ladies. I had a basket which I placed on the floor. Raqib was in the pushchair whereas Marsya was prancing up and down with a toy sword (which the Carrefour management has cleverly placed near the cash counters) and was persuading me to buy the sword for her. My maid was minding Raqib in the pushchair. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a rude man just walked over my basket, wanting to go to the other side. I had food in there. So I was mad. I uttered my dismay loudly asking the man to apologise. But he acted like as if he didn’t hear me and just walked away. I was mad. Hello…!! Can’t you be more apologetic? The nerve of that man. He didn’t have the decency and the moral to walk aside the basket like everybody else. So you can imagine how my blood was boiling at that time. But that is not the end of the story.

As I was still waiting in the line, and was about to pay, suddenly I saw a huge Middle Eastern man (one of those Pak Arabs) standing in front of me with a trolley full of things. I looked at him in shock. What the heck? My maid seeing my expression like that explained that she saw the man trying to cut the queue but didn’t know what to say. Here I was, juggling with my two kids (Bie went for prayers), both hungry while one of them was begging me to buy her the toy sword. And to make matters worse, I just had an idiot walked over my basket. Believe me, my anger hadn’t subsided yet. So, I did the only thing that an angry tired mother does.

Me: Excuse me (I tapped him on his shoulder). What do you think you’re doing? There’s a queue here and everyone is queuing up.

Him: I was here first.

Me: No, no.. I was here. Right behind those two ladies. You have to queue just like everyone else.

Him: I was here. You don’t believe me, you ask my friend over there. I had him standing here for me.

Me: What??!! I didn’t see any friend.

Him: He’s just over there (pointing to a friend who had just paid and was busy putting his platic bags in the trolley). He stood for me just now.

Me: I didn’t see your friend. He was not here. I was behind the two ladies.

Him: He was here.

Me: Was your friend holding anything? A basket? Pushing a trolley? I don’t think so. Because I didn’t see any.

Him: I’m not sure, but he was standing here for me.

At this time, even the cashier asked him to queue up like everyone else.

Me: Oh come on. Look at you. You have so many things in your trolley. And I only have a basket. (Oh my God..!! This man is unbelievable. I was feeling very, very mad and I think he saw that. I shook my head, clenched my fist and was about to burst when suddenly…)

Him: Ok, look. Why don’t you go first before me, yeah?

Me: Hhmm… Ok (and immediately carried my basket and placed in on top of the counter. At that time, I was quite embarrassed coz I had apparently created quite a spectacle).

As I walked passed him, Raqib pushed his trolley to the side. Well, with his baby hands, the trolley didn’t even move. But the man, I guess wanting to make amends said,

Him: Even your son is angry with me.

Me: Yeah well.. sorry for that (at that time, I had mellowed down a bit. After all, I got to pay first and not him). I was quite angry so it’s only natural that he follows me too. But yeah, sorry for that (the tone of my voice had gone down at this point in time).

I quickly paid for my things and walked away. My dearest Bie only caught the whole thing at the end. But I told him what happened.

And believe me, that was not all, but because I didn’t hear it but it was Bie, I didn’t have the opportunity to reply to those strangers’ remarks. Well, whenever we go out to shopping complexes like that, I will put a leash on Marsya. A nice leash that looks like a soft toy cow is hugging her from behind. So while I was dragging Marsya to McDonalds, apparently many people just had to make remarks at how I was ‘treating’ my daughter. Some looked at it approvingly, some expressed shock, and one just had to say that I was treating her like a dog. When Bie told me that (we were already seated at that time), I was mad. I just told off a huge Pak Arab, so if I had known who had said that, I would tell her off as well.

Bie said that the person who said that looked like she wasn’t married yet. So of course she wouldn’t know the significance of the leash. I was like, “So? Does that give her the right to comment on my child like that?” .. yeah, I was actually mad. But of course, I tried to rationalize it. Those people who make remarks like that probably do not have kids and find it odd that I would actually put my daughter on a leash. And of course, they haven’t traveled enough so do not know that the leash is one of the mechanisms to ensure that your child does not wander off and get lost. Surprisingly, I don’t get many reactions like that if I was in One Utama. I think it’s the crowd. Oh well.. I was prepared to forgive her for that remark and try not to make it personally. But still I couldn’t help but feel angry to whomever that lady was that said that about my daughter.

But the point is, where has all the civic-minded people gone too? Don’t get me started about motorists. It’s just so sad to see many kiasu and selfish people on the roads these days. And I don’t think I want to touch on that.

Funny how it is these days.

Happy Ramadhan Everyone

First and foremost, I would like to wish all my Moslem friends a Happy Ramadhan. I hope that we all get to fast for a complete month this year, which I know may seem a bit impossible for some, especially my girlfriends. But no worries, let’s just give it our best shot ok.

As usual, I am supposed to be doing work, but since today is the first day of the fasting month (I meant at work) I thought, why not just take a rest for a while. If one considers about the work, it is never-ending. So I think it’s ok to take a breather for a while.

The reunion with some of my school friends two Saturdays ago was fantastic. I didn’t think I would enjoy it, but I was wrong. Yes at first I was nervous and all, but after a while, I was alright. In fact, I think I was among the noisy ones. Trust me. And of course, I was the one that ate a lot as well. These friends of mine were quite amazed at the amount of food I ate. Come to think of it, yes I did eat a lot. What can I say? I just enjoy my food.

I got to know a lot of things about them. Bear in mind that I haven’t seen some of these girls since I left school. One of them is a Maths teacher in MRSM Jelebu, the other is a property valuer, the other is an accountant who is in-between jobs. Her last job was in Bermuda and in October, she’ll be moving to Amsterdam, working. Another friend is an engineer who is waiting for a job offer in Australia. Seriously, these women are really great. Of course, some of them have problems as well, and these problems were shared like as if we’ve just met each other last week. It’s just amazing when a group of friends who have not seen one another in a long time do not mind sharing these problems, just for the sake of sharing. So yeah, emotionally, we did connect. It was good.

Anyway, I really would like to thank Mas for sponsoring the reunion. I seriously would love to do it again. Hopefully we can meet during Raya, yeah?

Feeling A Little Disoriented

Yesterday, I had a little discussion with the boss. It was about my board paper. It was the third draft and he hadn’t even looked at any of the previous drafts. And the comments from him… well, let’s just say that it made me mad. I know I shouldn’t be defensive. But I was. The efforts, the time, the various discussions I had with the project people (and the boss knew that), but he dismissed the proposal in its entirety (that’s me being very bitter about it.. actually it’s nothing like that at all – but he did give his comments). I’m ok with people giving comments. I mean, that’s how one should improve herself anyway. But I think it’s the way that the comment is given. It left me feeling a little upset. No.. not upset.. MAD to be exact. But I will not let that ruin my day. Today I intend to be positive about everything. First things first; my table needs to be cleaned and cleared off all thrash and unwanted items. I have to admit that I am sometimes embarrassed when it comes to orderliness (is there such a word) and cleanliness because my table looks like as if it got hit by twister non-stop. So yes, I’m going to clear my table in a bit. At least it’ll give me a sense of order and non-chaos.

Secondly.. I lost my phone. Literally lost my phone. I think my son threw it off the balcony. I looked everywhere for it, but I couldn’t find it. Underneath the sofa, in between the divider and the shelf, underneath the TV shelf, in between the dirty clothes in the basket (just in case he left it there.. who knows), inside my drawers, inside the potty, etc.. etc. But it was nowhere to be found. I had a feeling he threw it because the day before, he just had this inclination to throw almost anything down there. The no longer functioning handphone, the water bottle, his sister’s colouring pencils, his sister’s blocks (making the sister scream madly).. in fact, almost anything. I think he just finds pleasure in doing so. And I think, he threw my phone down too. Of course I couldn’t be mad at him. He’s only 14 months or so. What does he knows? So because of that, I just have to be more careful next time. And put my phone in higher places. Places where he couldn’t reach (even if it means him climbing on tables and chairs – yes.. have I mentioned that he’s a good climber?). So now, I have got to get a new phone. And that means spending about RM500 for a phone (I’m a simple girl. As long as I can receive and make calls, send text messages and use the alarm, I’m ok with any phone). Of course it has to be sturdy coz Raqib likes to shake the phone about and throw it to the floor whenever he feels like it.

Thirdly, I have a reunion with some school friends this Saturday and I haven’t even got her a gift yet. Some of the girls didn’t want to get her a gift because I think they misunderstood the part ‘tak nak menyusahkan’. But, as a friend, I think I still have to get this other friend a gift, a token of appreciation if you must say because she’s the one who is sponsoring the affair. It’s not cheap. About RM40 per person at Royale Bintang in Seremban. And we’re not talking about five of six persons. There’ll be about twenty of us. So yes, we MUST get her something. The only thing is, WHAT?? I’m thinking to get her a ready-made baju kurung. Perhaps a chiffon batik. But it’s quite expensive. About RM400 a piece. Hhmm… what should I get her? By the way, this friend of mine lives in the UK. She works there and all over. She married a mat Salleh and has a very cute little girl, slightly older than my Marsya. And since Raya is coming up, I think a baju kurung would be really nice.

Fourthly and finally for now, Ramadhan is coming up and I haven’t even replaced any of my Puasa. Bad isn’t it? I haven’t been very strict in replacing my Puasa lah this year. I have 21 days to replace, and this was during the morning sickness when I was pregnant with Raqib. Last year, my Puasa was full. I don’t think I have time to replace them… [sigh]…

Anyway, I’ve got some pictures to put up, but I haven’t got them here with me yet. Will do that soon.

Min’s Getting Married

A very close friend of mine is getting married this Friday. I have known her for almost ten years now and the best thing is that, I am still friends with her. And very close too.

I first laid eyes on her while I was in Newcastle. I can’t remember the first time I met her, but I think it was the MASSOC meeting to elect new committee members. She admitted that she didn’t like me when she first saw me (yes, she is very frank and I love her for that), but after she got to know me, and the rest of the Dilston girls, she couldn’t get enough of me. She would always come over to stay at my house (in my room and sleeping on MY bed, while I slept on the floor – talk about friendship). And when she herself moved to Dilston Road, I always came over to her house to hang out. We would sleep on her big bed, talked before going to sleep on things that had happened and things which may took place in the future.

There are just so many things about her that I will always remember and cherish.

The first time she told me she had a crush on somebody. I even had a role in this little story of hers. It was really, really funny. The merajuk, the running away from the house bit (my dearest Bie had to run after her, but she kept on walking and walking, even crossing the road without looking either side.. it’s funny when I think about it).

The time when she went on a diet. I can never forget her ‘cekodok rebus’. I can’t imagine how she could eat that thing. She didn’t want to eat fried ones coz the oil was just too much. So she boiled it instead and ate that. Don’t ask me how she did it, but she did. We could only stare at her in disbelief. She only had tuna sandwiches and cereals whenever she felt hungry. Her strong resistance towards food was unbelievable. She would membebel whenever I cook (I always cook if I was at her place. I don’t know why. I was hungry and there was nothing to eat. So I cooked) because she would want to eat also. But if I don’t cook, she would be coaxing me into cooking for her. Talk about conflict.

The time when she had issues and asked for my help.. there were several. I didn’t mind. In fact, I tried to help in any way I could. It just made us closer.

Her boyfriend issues. One particular boyfriend will always be remembered. Not just by me alone, but also the rest of the Gurls. I will always remember that night. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t get the image out of my head. I remembered talking to him. He was in the driver’s seat, whereas I was outside. Min was sitting next to him in the car, telling him to cool off and just drive off. I guess I also had a ‘big’ mouth back then (or do I still have it? Heheheheee) which ignited his anger. I couldn’t help it. There was also this ‘tambi’ boyfriend of hers whom I will never forget in my whole entire life. What he did to her was very wrong, and I will always despise him for that. I don’t naturally wish bad things for people, but for him, I sort of am prepared to make an exception. But all these things only made Min stronger. And I respect her for that.

I also remember the first time I saw her wearing a tudung. We were supposed to break fast at Kelantan Delights in KLCC. The minute I saw her on the escalator, I screamed my head off. I’m like that. My immediate reaction when I see something new, or something that excites me is priceless. So they say. Hehehehe..

Her antics are funny. The best part is that, she is oblivious of it and would not know that we were actually laughing at her until we had to tell her. Talk about being clueless. But that is Min. But never talk to her if she’s hungry or not having enough of sleep. She will bite your head there and then. Free2 jer kena. Hehehehe.. But it will only be for a while. She doesn’t keep grudges.

There are just so many memories of her. Good times, the not-so-good times. I love her to the max. She is like a sister I never had. In fact, the Gurls are all like the sisters I never have.

Congratulations, Min. Have a wonderful wedding, and a happy marriage. May you be blessed with many children and live happily ever after with your husband to be..

Clarity of the Mind

It’s been awhile since I uploaded any story on the blog. I have to admit that I haven’t been feeling very good for the last two months or so. I was depressed, sad, frustrated with a lot of things, and was always in the gloomy mood. Things haven’t been rosy for me.

There were arguments with my dearest Bie that opened up a lot of things which I didn’t know actually existed in me. I guess that was the maximum that I could take. I had been bottling up the depression, the sadness and the frustration for a year and a half, and I suppose I was just waiting to break down. I didn’t want to. I thought I was strong and could resist any hardship or tidal wave that came my way. But I guess I was wrong. I wasn’t as strong as I projected myself to be. I’d like to believe that, but I’m not. I guess you can’t be strong forever. There are times that even the strongest of them all will break down. During these times, faith, patience and love play very important roles.

And work wasn’t helping also. Remember the so-called salary adjustment? Need I say more?

The short holiday with the family to Terengganu helped a little. I was so looking forward to it. All of us went there. My brother and his wife, my kids and my dearest Bie, my parents and my two younger brothers. We went to Sutra Beach Resort, a little resort located in the Merang area in Terengganu. I was irritated because the distance was far. It was on the way to Kota Bharu for goodness sake. And it took us about eight hours to reach there (we stopped a couple of times, coz one needs to use the bathroom for emergency purposes.. hehehe) and got lost in Kuala Terengganu (I was surprised that there is a Mydin Mall there.. impressive indeed). So when we finally reached Sutra Beach Resort, my kids were cranky. Heck, I myself was cranky. I couldn’t wait to lie on the bed and rest.

The place was relaxing. Our rooms were on the second floor, facing the sea. I love the sea. It was calm, clear and beautiful. Marsya as usual couldn’t wait to get into the pool. We had to tell her nicely that we’d go swimming the next morning.

After we unpacked, we went out to look for food. And surprisingly, there were not many shops. The one shop that we stopped at only sold roti canai. So, we went back to the resort and had our dinner there (food not so nice though.. or maybe coz I was just so tired). After dinner, we went to our rooms and slept soundly.

The next morning, I woke up naturally. No alarm clock. I wanted to see the sunrise. The minute I woke up, Raqib got up. I guess he couldn’t feel my warm body next to his. So I took him to the balcony, and sat there waiting for the sun to come out. It was beautiful. The sky was red and orange in colour. The horizon at first looked very dark but suddenly lit up, looking very light in the distance. It was breathtaking. And the best part was that, Ayah was also sitting down at his balcony which was just next door looking out into the sea, and my brother Angah, was also on his balcony (which was on my right; Ayah’s was on my left) savouring the morning sun. We waited until the sun was up, then we got ready for breakfast.

I didn’t bathe. In fact, all my family (me, Bie and kids) didn’t bathe, except for Raqib who had already pooh-poohed that morning. Food was ok. The roti canai was nice. It was funny to see the lounge singer (he sang at night) cooking roti canai during the day. But he has a really good voice, and seemed like a talented musician.

After breakfast, everyone got into the pool. Bie, myself, Marsya, Raqib (yeah he did.. and he enjoyed it tremendously), Angah and Acik. It was fun swimming with the family. After spending an hour in the pool, we went back to our rooms. My kids by then were already asleep. Ayah, Bie and Acik went out to look for lunch. We all ate in our parents’ room (we couldn’t believe at how cheap the foods were), on the balcony. It was warm outside. The wind was blowing nicely and it was very relaxing.

That evening, we went to Kuala Terengganu coz my parents wanted to send Acik off. Acik had to register the next day at his college in Melaka for a new semester.

The next day, after breakfast and a few laps in the pool (yeah.. Marsya wanted to swim.. again), we packed our things, ready to go home. We stopped at Kuala Terengganu coz Ibu wanted to go to Pasar Payang. After that, we went to buy some keropok in Losong. At about 4.00pm, we headed back south to Kuala Lumpur, making a stop at Bentong for dinner at Angah’s in-laws’ place.

And that marked the end of the holiday in Terengganu. I had wanted to extend another day, but I had training on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ayah too got called from the university. He was to start his lecture the same Monday. Oh well. But I slept in and came late for the training. I was tired and sleepy.

The training was called Fourth Wave Competency Intelligence Development. It was the first module from a set of four. I went to the training completely unaware of the sort of impact it would have on me. Little did I know, the training was going to affect me... more than I ever thought it could.

The training opened my eyes to a lot of things. It gave me the clarity of the mind that I have been looking for. I perceive things in a completely different manner compared to before. I began to discover the cause of my depression and frustration. The answer was there all along, and the training actually got it out of my system. For the first time in a long time, I began to see things clearly. I understood the root of the problem. I understood why I acted the way I did. It was hard to believe that just a couple of days ago, I was this bitter lady, full of resentment and frustration and always perceiving everything negatively. If only I could describe the way that I feel after I attended the training. I felt like someone just pulled me out from a very deep hole and for the first time in a long time, I could breathe fresh air. It was a wonderful feeling. I felt strong. I felt positive energy radiate from my inner self, reflecting shiningly on my soul and body. I just felt like a whole new person, and it is a wonderful feeling.

I am thankful that the training came in just at the right moment. Allah does works in mysterious ways. I see things positively now. I am also happier. Gone are the clouds of depression. It really helped me in my relationship with my dearest Bie. I understand him now. I understand his aspirations, his desires and his visions. I thought I was already giving him a lot of support, but in truth, I didn’t. Yes, financially I gave him all the support that he needed, but emotionally… I just wasn’t there. I haven’t been giving him the emotional support that he needed. He had pointed it out to me at one time.. quite some time ago, but I refused to accept what he said. I mean, I had been supporting him. Couldn’t he see that? How ungrateful of him for saying that I haven’t been supporting him. And my God, how wrong I was. Allah has certainly opened my eyes to the truth, and I can’t thank Him enough.

So now I am very positive. I am learning to emotionally support my dearest Bie. I love him too much not to support him. And I can’t believe how my perception of things have changed over the three days of training that I attended. It’s all just so wonderful.

I learnt that if you put your mind to it, it will come true. You’d be impressed at the power of our minds and how it can create changes for us. So, my next action is to plan for that New Zealand holiday. My dearest Pah has already encouraged me to start an action plan on this holiday to New Zealand. The hotel that I’ll be staying at, the places that I will go to. I believe that we will go to New Zealand and visit the Lord of the Ring site very soon. So I better start working on that.

So today, I am a much better person. I am positive and I look forward to positive developments in the future. Let’s hope that I’ll not be uploading anymore depressing stories in the near future.

Family

An ideal young family at this point in time includes a mother, a father, a daughter and a son. And I have to admit that I have the ideal family, at this point in time. But that does not stop me from wanting to have more. In fact, I want two more children, hopefully another boy and another girl. And I think, that would be sufficient for me. I’d love to have more, but giving birth is a frightening and painful experience, and I don’t think I’d like to face a fifth birthing experience, unless of course God still wants to bestow me with more children. But of course now is not the time. Raqib is still breastfeeding and I don’t want to break him from that privilege.

My daughter Marsya is a very chatty young girl. I am potty-training her as we speak. We even bought that toilet seat thingy so that she could feel comfortable poo-pooing in the toilet, but alas, she refuses to utilize the toilet seat thingy. Doing the small thing is not much of an issue, but doing the big thing, she would always insist on wearing the diaper. And she would refuse to poo-poo UNLESS she is wearing a diaper. Oh well, it’s a start I suppose. Luckily the maid is around to help her whenever she has to go to the toilet.

My son Raqib is quite a handful these days. He is very lasak. He is now 13 months. But, he still can’t walk yet. He can stand up, balancing on his two little feet, but whenever he has to take a step, he would always shy away from it and refuses to walk on his own. But oh my God, he is a magnificent climber. He can climb just almost anything if given the chance. The stairs at my in-laws’ have already been conquered, and the sofa at the house is peanuts for him. And he also knows how to be jealous. Whenever he sees Marsya with me, he would crawl quickly towards me and climb up me, pushing his sister away in the process. And I would have two small children crying for my attention, both also sitting on my lap. Tiring? Yes.. very. But the minute he smiles me showing his two small teeth at the bottom, the tiredness somehow disappears. Well, temporarily at least.

Elizabeth Stone once said and I quote, “Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body”.

My dearest Bie is a sore eyesight these days. He looks older (I have no complain there. I have always wanted him to look older than me, NOT my age). I suppose it’s all the ‘running around’. And the stressful days he’s been having. And the stress at knowing that some of the proposals he’s proposing were hijacked by certain unscrupulous individuals. Listening to his stories make me so mad. I just can’t stand how some people can be very unethical. Well, he is in my prayers forever.

George Santayana (The Life of Reason) said, “The family is one of nature's masterpieces”, and I agree with him. I don’t think I can live without my hubby and children by my side. Thank you…

New Haircut

Coz I have been feeling a bit lousy these days, the first thing I did before I got back last night was to get a haircut. So while waiting for my dearest Bie to fetch me, I made my way downstairs to the usual hair salon. The one that I usually frequented was already closed. Shucks.. I really need a haircut. So I went to the Japanese hair salon. People don’t usually go there coz it’s a little expensive. But I didn’t care. I just want them to chop off my hair. So I went in and was immediately ushered to the chair. Then the shampoo girl brought me a few magazines to read. I saw Cleo and a few others. So I resorted to reading Cleo.

About five minutes of waiting, the stylist came to see me. He had blonde spiky hair and a pair of ear studs on both ears. He pulled up a stool and sat behind me.

Him : So how do you want to cut it?

Me : I don’t know. I’m not really sure how I want to cut it. What do you think?

Him : Do you still want it to be long?

Me : Hhmm.. not really. I want it short. In fact, I want it to be Posh Spice short.

Him : Huh? Who?

Me : Posh Spice lar.. Victoria Beckham short.

Him : Oohh.. That’s really short. Bob style?

Me : I suppose. But I do not want you to touch the hair at the front. Leave that long. But the back, yes. Please cut it short. I don’t mind.

Him : So you want it short, huh?

Me : Yupp. Just cut it short.

Him : Ok. Not many people want their hair to be short.

Me : Well, I want my hair to be short. So just cut it.

Him : You’re Malay right?

Me : Yes.. why?

Him : No, it’s because your hair’s very straight. Is this natural straight?

Me : Yupp. Natural. I don’t go for rebonding technique or anything.

Him : Then you’re lucky. Straight hair is good for experimenting haircuts.

Me : Then go ahead and do your stuff. My hair is in your hands.

And that’s how I cut my hair. Short.

My homies were excited when I told them that I had my hair cut. Both were also not keen at the idea that my hair was about to be chopped off. So they immediately wanted to see me. And they did. And they liked it.

I got home. No one seemed to realize that my hair is shorter but suddenly, my daughter, Marsya looked at me closely. She smiled and…

Marsya : Umi gunting rambut

Me : Mana ada.

Marsya : Iyer. Rambut Umi dah pendek.

Me : No. Mana ada Umi gunting rambut.

Marsya : Nie dah pendek. Kenapa Umi gunting rambut (while touching my hair)

Me : Sajer jer. Cantik tak?

Marsya : Cantik. Kak Long pun nak gunting rambut. Rambut Kak Long dah panjang (and I beamed at her proudly. She noticed that my hair was different)

Somehow I see Marsya being me each day. Just the other day, she asked me to buy her slippers which looked like mine. Mine was a high-heel golden sandal. And she seemed to like it. And she asked me to get her a pair. She even saved up RM1.00 (courtesy of her Atok i.e. my Ayah) just so that she can buy the slipper. Talk about like mother like daughter.

Anyway, so there.. my hair is shorter, but I feel GREAT. And I think I look good too (no one else would compliment me, so might as well I compliment myself).

Here’s to a great week ahead.

Feeling Slightly Better

I didn’t know I have such an impact on people. I thought I was insignificant. Well, not that insignificant, but I thought, if I was feeling down, people wouldn’t notice it. But I was wrong. And I didn’t expect that people would actually be concerned.

Yesterday was the beginning of the uplifting spirit. I guess seeing my daughter for the first time in a week was really a refresher. I didn’t know that I could really miss her so much. When I walked through the door, and I saw her lying in front of the TV, and she looked up and saw that it was me who just entered, the greeting that I got from her was priceless. Her face was so happy to see me. She immediately got up and ran to hug me, smiling from ear to ear. I hugged her. Long. I kissed her cheeks, her eyes, and smelt her hair. And I didn’t let her go for quite a while. It was good. And listening to her stories on what she had been doing was very entertaining. I pray to Allah for a healthy long life so that I can see her grow up into a wonderful woman.

So yeah, Marsya’s impact was one of the things which made me feel better. And I think my dearest Bie even noticed that.

Then, a dear friend, sent a short email asking what was wrong with me, and why was it that I wasn’t as ‘ceria’ or happy as always. He was concerned because he had never seen me feeling down before. He even wanted to lend his ears to me should I want to talk. I thanked him and told him that I was fine, and that I will definitely consider him should I need to talk or anything.

And later during the day, I received a Season’s greeting card which read something like this:

“Too late for a New Year greeting… sorry we don’t have a proper CD casing.. just recycle what we have J. Enclosed is the CD / IB Blueprint which you’ve requested. Cheers, Steven”.

The funny bit was that Steven drew a ‘mudah pecah’ i.e. fragile symbol which shows a broken wine glass on the envelope. That really made me smile. The people sitting near my table was curious, wanting to know what it was that I had received. Thanks, Steven.

And on top of that, Bie took me to the movies. It had been ages since I went to the movies, the last being The Jumper. We went to see Iron Man. Yeah, I know that Iron Man has been out for ages. But for people like me who do not have the luxury to watch a new movie every time it came out (kids, logistics, etc), I looked forward to see the movie. Hhmm.. I remember the time when I never missed any new movie that came out. I didn’t have any kid at that time. I went to see ALL new movies that were released. I even watched Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Ghem AT the movies. Hehehehe..

But I like Iron Man. I like it that Robert Downey Jr played Tony Starks. He put humour in his character which was SO him. How do I know this? Because I have seen his other comedy movies, and I think he is very talented. I used to think he’s a handsome guy (though he’s short.. handsome guys are always short. Look at Tom Cruise. I guess you can’t have everything). And he beefed up his body too for the role. He had a very nice body in that movie.

And I also had a talk with my immediate supervisor this morning. I nearly broke down and cry (it was long coming. I guess because I have been bottling up the depression in my chest for more than a week now so when anyone spoke on touchy subject, I would have tears at the brim of my eyes, but the tears never fell – I had to control them coz I didn’t want to him to see me crying) or so when we talked about my salary adjustment which was actually quite little, and he was upset that the HR did not say or notify him on the matter since he was the one who recommended me for the salary adjustment. He even asked me whether I was going to accept that job offer. I told him I don’t know. But it was good that we had that talk. It made me feel better coz I was really feeling like crap last week.

So all these rolled into one made me slightly better this week, well starting from yesterday. And I hope to keep the momentum going. I really do.

Feeling So Down Today

I woke up this morning and felt upset. I don’t know why. For no apparent reason, I am depressed. In fact, I have been like this for the past few days and it’s worrying me. I nearly skipped lunch with the rest of my colleagues two days ago because I didn’t feel like eating with them. And we were actually celebrating a friend’s birthday. I didn’t feel like having fun, chit-chatting or talk to people even. I don’t know why I have been feeling this. I never feel this sort of feeling. Well, very rarely.

I guess it’s got to do with a lot of things. First and foremost, I guess it’s because I’m having my PMS. It’s the second time since I gave birth a year ago (oh my God.. that reminds me, I haven’t upload a story on my Raqib’s FIRST birthday!! What kind of a mother am I? I did a short story on Marsya, but not for Raqib.. I promise I’ll do a special one for him soon).

Then I suppose is because I am missing Marsya so much. She’s in Taiping at the moment with Maksu. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would either be playing outside, or sleeping. So, I couldn’t really speak with her. I guess it made me irritated to learn that she enjoys herself when she is with Maksu and family, rather than when she’s with me. I’m supposed to be her mother. She’s supposed to enjoy spending time with me. But no, it seems like she enjoys spending her time with Maksu. I think it got to me. I can’t bring her to the funfair, nor can I bring her to picnics or waterfalls. Heck, I haven’t even been bringing her to the pool, and that pool is just a few steps away from my house. If you stand at the balcony, you can see the pool. I simply do not have the time (I know.. lousy excuse). Arrgghh..

Then of course it’s Bie. I know I have been saying this over and over again. But I am tired. I am tired of having to worry financially, or whether my money is able to cover several essential expenses. And whether I have enough to pay for certain leisures and pampering (I need a break. I am in desperate need of a break). I can’t rely on him. His money is to cover for the house and few bills. I can’t count him to pay the groceries, the kid’s expenses, tolls, petrol, etc, etc. Sometimes he pays for them. Then I get worried. Does he have any money? Will he be able to pay for the house next month? Now that he’s paying, does he already have money in his pockets or are they just a one-off kind of thing? He paid for that, but why is he claiming certain expenses from me; is he running out of money? You see, I’m just worried. I don’t know how long more I have to play this guessing game. Or ask him, “Do you have money?” or “Have you got enough money?” or “You sure you’ve got money?”. I don’t want to burden him with these questions coz I know that he’ll get mad at me. I know that he’s trying to tie a few deals, but there’s just no knowing when he’s going to get paid. And if he does get paid, I’m just not sure whether the pay is enough. Because sometimes I think he has the money, but he still asks me to pay for certain stuff, which clearly indicates that he’s not getting enough and still cannot provide for me and family, financially. I am tired of waiting for the big break. But I have to. I have to be brave for the kids, for my parents, my in-laws, my brothers, my aunts and my friends. I have to show them that I’m ok with this, and that I am supportive of Bie all the way. So I can’t complain to them. I can’t complain to anyone. I have to show them that I’m capable. I have to show them that whatever happens, my family can rely on me. I have the money. I don’t like charity. And I don’t like it when sometimes Ayah pays for certain things. If I have the money, I’ll definitely pay him back. And that’s what I have been doing so far. Even if I borrow for him, I always pay him back. Now I’m depressed.

Then it’s this stupid hike in petrol price. I don’t even want to go there. It makes me even mad.

I just hope that this feeling will go away soon. Tomorrow Marsya is coming home. I can’t wait to see her. I miss her so much.

Disappointed A Bit

I am disappointed at a lot of things today. It all began last night when suddenly the PM announced that there’d be an increase in the petrol price. The roads were badly congested yesterday after work. One was because it was raining, the other was because everyone was lining up their cars to the nearest petrol station to fill in their petrol tanks at the previous price i.e. RM1.92 per litre, because the new price is RM2.70 per litre. An increase of about 40 percent compared to the old price.

What I hate about this is because, an increase in petrol price will lead to an increase of MANY goods and services. And of course lead to an inflationary effect. I learnt this in Economics once and I had never expected to be actually applying all those theories I learnt into practice today. It’s all just so horrible. The PM isn’t affected by this. Nor are his ministers. They have petrol cards provided by their offices. So they can just fill in their tanks without having to worry how much they’re supposed to pay because.. it’s simply being paid for BY the government (using tax payers’ monies, I assume). They do not face the pressures of having to pay petrol.

Now everything is going to increase. Gas, food, even the curry puff you have for breakfast. It’s just annoying. And sad. Imagine me complaining about this. And imagine someone with lesser household income. Lagi kasihan, you know. Yes the PM said that he’ll put a curb on the food prices, but it’s easier said than done. He’s not the one who will actually monitor and check each shopping outlet to control the price of foods.

I know that the government can’t do much about this, as this relates to the world’s price, but deep down inside, I still feel that the government should have been more creative in trying to give back to the people. Find creative ways so that the people do not feel too burdened by this. I mean, they have their own think-tanks right. I’m sure they must be something that they can offer.

I am just so disappointed. And this morning, the stock market has gone down (a bit) and analysts are expecting inflation and rising interest rates. I still have some stocks to dispose. Should I be disposing them now? It makes me wonder why I hadn’t disposed them a lot sooner. Hhmm.. no rezeki.

And today, just before lunch today was my emcee audition. I was the only participant that prepared the third script aka the optional script. Others used the scripts furnished by the organizer. I guess I wanted to be different. I wanted to run away from the normal, boring stuff of emcee-ing annual dinner, or signing of MoUs. So, I did the first two mandatory scripts, and for the optional script, I emulated the MTV Asia Music Awards. I co-hosted the show with Jared Leto.

Unfortunately, Mrs Dee was not too keen on my presentation. She felt that I should be more corporate, or at least combine my passion shown as the presenter of the MTV Asia Music Awards with the two (boring) scripts given by them. So much of wanting to be creative. The other judges were okay. The members of the floor also liked my presentation. But I had wanted to impress Mrs Dee, the Director of the Group Corporate Communication. And I guess I could not quite make it. Oh well, it could just be me. Mrs Dee was only doing her job. I guess I was expecting too much from the judges. Hhmm.. mental note: You can’t impress EVERYONE.

So, combining with the effect of the rise in petrol price, and the comments by Mrs Dee, now I am feeling like s*#t… Being a bit over the top, aren’t I? Aarrgghhss… stupid increase in petrol price. Where were the promises to reduce petrol / oil price? I remember one of the opposition party’s manifests was to reduce the petrol price. Where are those promises now? Nowehere... they’re just a bunch of liars, like anyone else are during the before election-period. I hate that. Taking the people for a ride.

You know what? I have to stop here. I’m not very nice when I’m feeling like this. Till later, ok.

Can I Still Look Hot?

Marsya isn’t here this week. She followed Maksu back to Taiping. At first, I was reluctant to let her go. I mean, I’d not be able to see her for ONE WHOLE WEEK. I’d miss her terribly. But she kept telling Maksu that she wanted to balik kampong and see Tok Nyang (Maksu’s father-in-law), ducks and chickens. She wanted to ride on the bicycle. So my heart softened. I let her go. But last Friday, I had a bonding session with her. I took her to Sunway Pyramid to buy her new shoes. And yes, she is exactly like me when it comes to shoes. She LOVES them. Hehehehe.. she tried ALL the shoes she saw on the rack (her size) and even proceeded on trying a pair of boots. And when we got to the adult shoe store, she kept on throwing all sorts of shoes for me to try on. It was fun. I could see ourselves in the future giving tips on the sort of shoes we should buy. A long way to go still, but it’s nice to think about it. Insya-Allah…

Which boils down to the next question… do you think I’m HOT? Hehehehe.. lately I don’t know why, but I feel that I’m hot. Call me perasan, but though I have two kids, I feel that I can still make heads turn. Some of my friends like to drop names like, ‘Hot Mama’ and all, to me. Calling me like that actually boosted my confidence to a higher level. I don’t feel ugly. I don’t feel fat (though I know I’ve got stuff clinging to my legs and butts called ‘fat’) I just feel that I am still hot. Oh gosh, what am I saying..??

I love high heel shoes. I like skirts (I’m trying to reduce wearing them, but give me time. At least I don’t buy new skirts anymore) and I love looking good. I’m not saying that I look drop dead georgous in them (I know my limits; I’m no Maya Karin), but I do feel good. So yes the butt part has expanded a bit these days and so have the upper part (I have to be frank don’t I) but there are ways of dressing to cover those areas. And if you have them, just flaunt them. Hehehehe..

But I still cover where I think should be covered. I try not to wear tight-fitting clothes, and revealing or plunging necklines. After all, I do have my dearest Bie to think about. I am still his wife, and I have to respect him. And my duty to the One goes without saying. Nonetheless, I am lucky that he doesn’t force me to wear head scarves or tudung after we got married. Though his mother has been harping on it for quite a while, he has never practiced his authority to enforce me to wear the tudung. I am thankful for that, unlike other husbands I know.

I know it’s not good to look extra hot when you’re married with kids and all. It’s for fear of inviting unnecessary attention to yourself. But I guess if you know what matters most, then I’m sure you will not indulge in immoral activities, right. I mean, you have the children to think about. And of course your husband. Not to mention that it’s kind a sinful (I’m not perfect here, but if possible, we wouldn’t want to open many ‘holes’ coz it would just be too many to cover. Dah tak pakai tudung tu is one ‘hole’ already. So don’t create more ‘holes’. Do you know what I mean here?

I know of someone who’s reaching 40 in two years’ time but still is one very hot mama (she has FIVE kids by the way). She wears the tudung thought (light scarf) and wears really modern clothings. Long skirts with high-heeled boots. Platform shoes with flared pants; really good. And she is pretty as well. The not so nice one is that, we feel that the young man who has been accompanying her is not her husband and that he was (or is) her boyfriend. At first we felt like giving him the benefit of the doubt. But their lovey-dovey actions were just too much for us to bear. A friend even caught them hugging (it was a spur kind of moment thing and everybody was rejoicing happily). I felt bad. I wish she hadn’t done that. In fact, I wish she wasn’t that bold. But she was. They acted like they were a couple, in front of everyone.

Now, I pray to God that I will not be like that. I love Bie and my children too much. But I guess when you’re at that age, you just get bored especially if you’ve been married a long time and your marriage life seems to have lost its entire sparks. Kind a scary isn’t it. So when another man shows an interest in you, of course you like it. And you tend to participate in the illicit affair even when you know that you shouldn’t, because it’s all just exciting. God forbids..

However, I do love the idea of being a Hot Mama. And I do love being labeled as one. But I fear that later in life, without realizing it, I may go overboard. Scary isn’t it. Yes I can say that I’ll never do that to my family, but a few years down the road, you just never know. But for now, I am just going to enjoy being one Hot Mama..