The Break That Wasn’t

I took leave last Friday as Thursday was a public holiday. So that gave me a good four days of rest. Or was it?

I thought I was going to get a good rest. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I did spend time with my daughter (loved those moments) and my parents. But my brothers weren’t around. And on Friday, my dearest Bie went to JB on a business trip. He got back late Saturday.

Somehow I was looking forward to spend the long weekend at my parents’ but when I am there, I felt emotionally drained. I felt tired. I don’t know where the source of the tiredness is. It could be physical (I doubt so much on that) or it could be mental. I don’t know. But somehow, the long weekend didn’t feel like a break at all. I mean, what did I just do? I went to JJ in S2 on Thursday. I had lunch with my Ayah. My Ibu wasn’t around. I think she went to Malacca a few days before and hadn’t reached home yet. I bought a few maternity pants there and had lunch at Secret Recipe. Later that night, we had dinner outside; the whole family and it wasn’t a satisfactory dinner because the ‘kedai’ was late with our food.

The next day, we had brunch at McDonald and a friend picked Bie up while on his way to JB. So I was left with my daughter. We went to Acik’s house for a visit then got back to the house, rested for a while and had a really late lunch. Ibu was off again doing her personal matter while Ayah had appointment outside. I was left with Marsya alone in the house. Luckily she slept quite early that day. So I took the opportunity to see The Devil Wears Prada. Quite a good movie. I liked it.

The next day was just like any other day. Ayah asked me to accompany him to Giant to buy some household products. Ibu had to go to Malacca again. When we got home, Ibu was already home, cooking lunch. And the evening was just like any other evening. Bie came back also with a tired look on his face. He had some really big issues which needed to be thrashed out. He discussed them with me. That left me feeling somewhat disoriented.

By Sunday, I felt REALLY tired. By this time, physically AND mentally. I wish I had gone somewhere. But no, I didn’t. I need to spend some time alone at a new place. Well, not exactly alone, but with my loved ones. I don’t wish to dwell on this but I do. And when I think about it further, I become more tired. I pity my little one; both the one in front of me and the one inside my belly. My baby does not need to feel all the stress that I am facing right now. Do you think it’ll feel MY stress? I hope not. Kalau tak, kesian dia… pening. I was so tired and stressed yesterday that I snapped at my dearest Bie. I couldn’t help it. So yeah, I was mad at him and he was mad at me. We tried to keep quiet about it (after the stressed snapping moment); him entertaining his mind, I suppose while I gained my composure. I can’t help it. When I’m tired, I do that a lot. I know that Bie was tired also as he just got back from JB, but I just couldn’t help myself. I was on the verge of loosing it yesterday [sigh]. I hate it.

Today is a start of a new week. I’ll have to make it up to Bie tonight. Well, I have apologized. I sent him a text message saying I was sorry. So tonight, I’ll do it verbally. We both didn’t bring up the subject after that awkward moment yesterday but I know that deep at the bottom of my heart, we have to talk about it. Get it out in the open. I’ll do it tonight; definitely. We were both tired and I guess yesterday was the peak of it.

Letihnya…

Feeling Insecure

Last week, I met up with an old friend. A friend who would have been family if she had gotten married to my brother-in-law. But tulah, jodoh di tangan Allah. Who are we to say anything about it, right? Well, she’s now married to an engineer and has just recently been blessed with a baby, who is now four months old.

She has ‘expanded’ since the last time I saw her. Well, she used to be an ‘S’ size and now she’s an ‘XL’. And she was really resenting it. I hope I would be able to shed a lot of kg’s after I give birth come this May. I really hope so. It’s really scary if the weight doesn’t want to depart from me. Well, that’s another story.

She looked good, happy to be a mother. So we talked. Among the things that we touched upon was the feeling of insecurity. She claimed that these days she feels a bit insecure and is always accusing her husband of unnecessary things. She feels terrible that now she has gained a lot of weight and can’t help feeling that her husband may not look at her the same way he did before she gave birth. Of course I told her not to be silly and that her husband still loves and adores her.

She looked at me and asked, “Do you feel that? Do you feel insecure?” I thought about it for a while. Hhhmm… me? Insecure? I don’t know. I have not thought about it thoroughly. I have always wondered whether I have ever felt insecure, after having my baby and all… I don’t know. I looked at her and just shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t think so. Well, not to the extent that I feel overly jealous and start forming negative images in my head”. And she was surprised. “Never?” and I said, “No lah rasanya”. And I let my respond sink in my head.

She felt bad about feeling jealous but she just couldn’t help it. I feel terrible for her. Currently I am blessed that I haven’t felt the insecurity that she was talking about. I mean, yeah sometimes the feeling sort of appear out of nowhere, but it quickly diminishes into thin air. It is after all not a good feeling. And I feel that we shouldn’t harbor such feeling if we want to have a prosperous marriage (of course until after your husband back stabs you, then you have EVERY right to harbor whatever feeling imaginable… it is after all a privilege, because once burnt, trust me, a person never forgets easily and having the same trust and loyalty can be very, very difficult. I have seen it happened too many times).

So later at home, I asked my Dearest Bie whether he thinks I’m insecure. He thought carefully about it and said, “Sometimes I see you feeling insecure. But most of the time, you are more secure than you are insecure”. I kept quiet. So, I have portrayed a feeling of insecure, eh? Hhmmm… definitely need to work on that. I mean, I don’t think I have ever felt insecure. I let him go out with his friends, go singing at karaoke centres while entertaining his clients, or have dinners outside and will only call him if it’s REALLY necessary. But he’s the husband. He’s my partner. So I’m sure he has plenty of time to observe me.

Well, whatever it is, I will try to work on whatever little insecurity I have. I don’t think it’s good. So, we’ll see how it goes, eh…?

What Do Women Want

I was listening to Traffic on Trexx FM a day before yesterday. Trexx FM is lead by two talkative deejays; Round H and DD. I enjoy their show very much. I used to enjoy the morning show as well but since Scam B left the show, I rarely listen to it anymore. But Traffic, I still do listen to it.

Anyway, they were discussing a very interesting topic; What Do Women Want. Apparently, DD doesn’t have a girlfriend and he is wondering where he had gone wrong. In his head, women are just into the money. As long as the guy is rich, then women would be falling on to him like rocks. But most of the times, he thinks that women DO NOT really know what they want. So, he asked the listeners to call in to give their views. There were several women callers and there were also men callers. And when Round H asked the women to choose between guys who are financially secure and have good sense of humour, nearly all of the women opted for financially secure. I mean, why shouldn’t they, right? Of course DD made an issue out of it, saying that women these days are materialistic. I totally disagreed with him and proceeded to call.

I got through and managed to talk to them.

Round H : So, what do women want?

Me : Basically, three things. A man who is committed to the relationship and that means no sleeping around or have affairs with anyone. Then a man who is financially secured…

DD : You mean, blank cheque book, a lot of cash… that sort of thing.

Me : Why is it, whenever a woman mentions about financially secure, you men think we’re materialistic. Financially secured does not mean that. Things are not cheap these days. The guys must at least have enough money to provide for his family.

Round H : Especially if you have kids and all.

DD : Yeah, yeah… (mockingly)

Me : That’s right. And the third one, the guy must at least be a little funny. Women like it if their guys have a good sense of homour.

DD : So you married a clown?

Me : No. My husband is not a clown. But he can be funny when he wants to. Maybe not to everyone else, but at least to me.

Round H : DD, stop it. If she likes her guy to be funny, then let it be. This applies differently to all couples. I can’t help to notice though that the good sense of homour bit comes in last. Why can’t you put that as the second one?

Me : Well, it doesn’t really matter where you have it, as long as it is in the list.

DD : See Round H. Women are only into the money. They only like guys who are rich. No money, no girl.

Round H : And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend till today. You’ve got to understand first what a woman really wants, then you’ll get a girlfriend.

DD : Who is sitting next to you?

Me : My husband.

Both deejays stifled a laugh and said bye.

After I hung up, I listened to the comments made by the deejays. DD was saying, “No wonder she can get all the three things that she wants. She has full control of her husband. She controls her husband”, to which Round H replied, “Maybe”.

I resented that, of course. But who cares. At least I made my point on national radio. I think I spoke for nearly all women out there as to the criteria that they want in their men. But I’m sure though that there a lot more than the three basic ones I have listed.

So friends, what do you think a woman really wants from a man?

Ewan McGregor Sexy

I never realized how sexy Ewan is. Yes, I have seen him in loads of movies. I’m not exactly a fan, but if the reviews are great, I would just go and see it. I mean, who could not have seen Star Wars Episode I to III. He was a master Jedi. He was Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then there was Moulin Rouge where he acted next to Nicole Kidman. I didn’t know he could sing until after I watched the movie. But of course, I prefer him as an actor to a singer. Then Trainspotting; the movie that brought him his fame. But I didn’t like him in the movie. He was a junkie; skinny and not good looking at all. Then there’s Big Fish, and what’s that movie he acted with Renee, where he was a ‘hot’ journalist for a man’s magazine? Gosh, I can’t remember. But, he was cute in Lifeless Ordinary though. Cute, but not sexy.

Last night, I had the opportunity to see The Island on HBO. I wanted to catch it when it was screened on theatres, but having a small baby at the time and not having a maid, not to mention that I wasn’t really a big fan (unless if it’s Keanu Reeves or something), I didn’t feel regret for not catching it on the big screen. So when it was shown on HBO last night, I thought, why not. I have always wanted to see The Island anyway.

And man… was I in for a surprise. I have never seen Ewan does an action flick before. His past movies were not so action-packed. Yes of course as a master Jedi you have to be really good with the lightsaber, but to me, it wasn’t action-packed enough. In The Island, he suddenly became very sexy to me. His body, his voice (and the faint Scots’ accent), his tolerance for pain (you know, all the jumping and the running, not to mention the bike ride and the cuts and bruises he had on his face), there were all suddenly very eye-catching to me. All of a sudden, I see him as very sexy and I have to admit; I LIKE him. And I really like him as Lincoln 6 Echo. He was a … man. A macho one at that. Call me silly, but yes, I woke up this morning, thinking of him. Hehehe…

So yes, I would like to see him in action flicks in the future. But so far, the movies that he is doing (or will be doing) aren’t so much of that. We will see him next in Miss Potter next to Renee. I don’t know the synopsis, but I guess he will be playing Renee’s love interest. Oh well, at least I now know that Ewan can be VERY sexy and that appeals to me, VERY much.

Marsya Hazirah is Two Today..!!

My daughter turned two at exactly 10.06 am today. I am so happy for her. She is the best that could have ever happened to me, so far and I love her very much. I can’t believe that she is finally two years old. She is no longer a baby. She is now a toddler. And if we’re to go on the AirAsia, we will have to start paying for her seat.

Gosh, time really flies when you’re happy and all. I remember when she was given to me by the doctor at the labour room. I didn’t even look at her face. I saw her you know what which tells the whole world that the baby’s a girl. But I was too tired to even hold her or kiss her cheeks. After Bie recited the azan in her ears, which I faintly heard, I was carried to the ward to rest. I didn’t ask for her, nor was I excited to hold her. All I wanted at that time was rest and go to sleep. In fact, I couldn’t even open my eyes.

Marsya was put in a crib and placed next to me. One after the other picked her up, kissing her, hugging her. But I didn’t care. Phones were ringing and wishes of congratulations were relayed. But I didn’t bother. Don’t these people understand, I just want to sleep. Let me be in peace. When they noticed that I had dozed to sleep, then did they realize that I was tired. So the nurse took Marsya and placed her with all the other babies, while I took my rest.

It was not until evening that I asked my dearest Bie for Marsya. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and count the fingers on her hands and feet, but most importantly, I wanted to introduce myself to her as the mother that gave birth to her. The nurse placed her in my arms. I had to admit that I felt a little awkward as I wasn’t used to holding a newborn baby. But I managed anyway. The nurse asked me to try and breastfeed her, which I did. Surprisingly, Marsya was good at that. She managed to feed on the breast milk like as if she was born just to do that.

I felt very happy. I hugged her to my bosom, never wanting to let her go. I promised to love and cherish her for as long as I have life in my body. I vowed to bring her up as my mother did me and prayed that she’ll be a good daughter and a good Moslem throughout her whole entire life.

I still hug her these days. The fact that I now have a baby bump does not stop me from loving her as I did on the day that she was born. And there are just no words that can describe my love for her.

Happy 4th Anniversary Bie..!!

Our anniversary was actually on the 27th of December but because of the internet disruption which happened on that day, I couldn’t upload this particular update. But no worries, I’m doing it now.

I can’t believe that I have been married to my dearest Bie for four years now. It seems like we’ve only been married, I don’t know… for about two years, or probably less than that? Hmm… I don’t know. But as I am now carrying our second child, and Marsya is nearly approaching two, four years is more realistic compared to two years.

Let’s see, what have we done during our four years of marriage? Well, the most prominent one is that we’re going to have an additional family member soon, Insya-Allah. On top of that, we already have a wonderful daughter who is currently very mischievous and wouldn’t take no for an answer, to anything that she wants. I hope she wouldn’t grow up to be a spoilt brat. I’d hate for that to happen. Anyway, we have already bought a place. Although it’s not a lavish bungalow or a spacious villa, but the fourth floor of a low dense condo somewhere in Ulu Kelang is just as comfortable.

I still drive my metallic 1.3 Proton Wira. I bought the car five years ago and till this day, Alhamdulillah, it is still very much reliable, albeit the dent and rust here and there. Talks to replace Suzie (as I named the car) are always ignored (by me, especially). Bie still drives his kembara.

We haven’t had any major fight, except for those days when we still stayed at his parents. Those fights were really quite harmless. I was the emotional one because at that time I was pregnant with Marsya. But that didn’t stop me from spending a night at a friend’s house, just so that I can regain my composure as I felt like a heart-pouring session with a dear friend. Bie was the one who sent me to Cyberjaya that night. Arguments here and there along our four years’ journey together were inevitable. That’s after all parts and parcel of being in a marriage. But I am thankful that he is a very patient man. My mouth can be very terrible sometimes; things that come out from it are just sometimes things that people do not like to hear. And Bie has been very patient about that. He helps around the house like sweeping or mopping the floor and bathing Marsya or cleaning her poo-poo when necessary.

I have been very tolerant of him seeing his friends till late at night (so far). The green monster has not yet caught up with me, to whisper gossips and put colourful ideas in my head. So far that is. Let’s hope that this’ll remain for as long as I can endure. I hate to be jealous of him unnecessarily. I don’t think it’s healthy for our relationship. But I also hope that he will not take my open-mindedness for a ride. So, please pray that if in the event fate decides that something hanky-panky does happen, I’ll be the first to know. BUT, I hope that we’ll stay true to our marriage vows and that nothing funny will happen and that we’ll be happy forever (Insya-Allah…).

We both still love to ‘kacau’ each other and ended up laughing in the end. He would make faces at me, and I would jump out at him behind closed doors or closed curtains. The shocking look that I got from him is priceless. He also did this to me once, but instead of laughing hard he had to console me instead because I was really traumatized by the incident. I smiled just thinking about it.

Funny isn’t it. Four years seemed like an eternity for some people, but to us, Alhamdulillah, it doesn’t feel that long.

I met Bie during my university days, at a society’s meeting to be exact during the selection of candidates to replace the old committee. I didn’t really like him when I first saw him. He had long hair. Seemed cool enough and looked like a rebel. He liked music (still does) and his preference was the rock genre or what he fondly calls, the ‘seattle-sound music’. I thought he was really a rocker then, but when I went to his place with all my other friends for one of our society’s meetings, I found out that he liked Mariah Carey as well. “Huh, some rocker”.

Though I sort of disliked him, he seemed to always be around. At the movies, during traveling around the UK (my housemates liked hanging out with him because he could drive). So when we traveled to Scotland, he was our designated tour cum driver (because he had been staying in the UK for three years before we came). And when we had our Malaysian Night, he was somehow part of the production as one of the actors and as I myself was very fond of theatres and acting, I was also part of the Raja Bersiong production. From thereon, we would always go back together; he would send me home first because practice session finished after dark. So we would walk along Richardson Road, past the playing field towards Dilston Road where I stayed. And I never had a clue that he actually liked me. He never showed me the signs. I thought he was just being nice.

He was everywhere. Well, not exactly everywhere, but wherever I was, he was always there with me. On Valentine’s Day in 1998, I had a movie date with a friend. He was supposed to go home but my date invited him to the movie as well because all his other friends were also joining us. He accepted the invitation and after the movie date, he insisted on sending me home. My date wanted to send me home, but I told him that my house and his was completely the opposite direction and since my house and Bie’s was after all, one way, it would be more logical for Bie to send me home. My date agreed and promised to call me, first thing in the morning.

A few days after that, when I met Bie, he was very agitated. I sensed that he was nervous but I didn’t know what it was about. He kept on asking me whether I have gone to the Trinity Building (where we could check our emails) and I felt weird as to why he was asking me such question. But I ignored him. And that day, whenever I tried walking with my Valentine’s date to visit the hall where we were supposed to hold our dinner in conjunction with the Malaysian Night, Bie always managed to walk beside me, leaving my date trailing behind or walking with some other friends.

The next day, I think, I went to check my emails and was very surprised to find an email from a secret admirer saying that he liked me. Apparently the first email was sent much earlier and the one that I was reading was a subsequent to the first email. I thought it was my date. But my friends insisted that the email was from Bie. They knew this by his IP property or something, which I was so not familiar with. I refused to believe them because he had never shown interest in me before. The next day, I received another email saying that he (clearly putting his name down now) wanted to see me after school as he had something important to say.

I was a nervous wreck. I told my housemates about it and they laughed at me and were very surprised themselves because none of them saw it coming. And that day, 17th February 1998, he confessed that he liked me. His face was all blushing when he told me. He in fact covered his mouth as he was saying, “I suka kat you”. And I didn’t know why, but I agreed when he asked me to go steady. I mean, I thought I didn’t like him. That was something I had never done in the past before. I had guys wanting me to be their steadies, but I don’t know… somehow it wasn’t appealing enough.

And the rest was just history. And yes, everyone was surprised that I was going steady with Bie. And as for my Valentine’s date, he was very upset. He didn’t talk to Bie for several months after that. He even avoided me. His friends told me that he was emotionally upset. I didn’t know what to do. After all, the Malay community in Newcastle wasn’t very large, and of course we were bound to bump into each other. But of course later, they became friends again.

We got engaged on 17th February 2002 and on 27th December 2002, we got married. The wedding reception itself was done the next day at my parents’ place, whereas Bie’s side of the reception was done the following day.

There was a lot of stuff happening prior to our marriage. I even wanted to postpone the wedding because I felt that I wasn’t ready to be married. Bie had to console me and assured me that I was getting cold feet. My mother was frantic and told my aunt to talk to me, you know, sort of a slow-talk session with me. But the historical day came, and I was married after Maghrib. In fact, I was still unsure of myself and the marriage minutes before the wedding (but I liked the fact that I was dressed up and looking nice). You know, like whether I was doing the right thing and all. But the minute the akad nikah was completed, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulder and my shoulder felt so light. I felt very, very happy. I even shed a few tears, very happy at being Mrs Bie. I knew I made the right choice and that I don’t think I would have wanted to get married if not to Bie.

So now, we’ve been married for four years. I cherish the four years we are together. I love him very much and I love my daughter who currently has his looks (if you look at her closely, especially when she’s asleep) very much. I am grateful to Allah for giving him as my jodoh and I truly hope that we will have a blessed marriage throughout our entire lives. Yes, there will probably be glitches along the way and if not taken care of, could lead to the inevitable, but I pray that, that wouldn’t happen. I pray that we will be together as husband and wife, dunia and akhirat, Insya Allah.

HAPPY FOURTH ANNIVERSARY, MY DEAREST BIE…

No Rest For Me

On Christmas Day, I woke up to find my daughter already awaken. She was sitting next to me, smiling from ear to ear hoping that I would pick her up and ‘gomol’ her. I did just that and soon after she was laughing hard. My dearest Bie soon joined in the ‘gomol’ session and her sweet laughter filled the room.

Since it was a holiday, we decided to go to McDonald for breakfast. Then my mother-in-law called saying that she wanted to have lunch at our house. Shucks, what was I going to cook? I couldn’t stand the smell of cooking, so I thought after breakfast, we’d buy some ready-made ‘lauk’ from Siantan.

When we reached McDonald, Marsya was all eager to play the kids’ slide. So I had to entertain her for a while before eating my fish platter. After breakfast, she insisted to go back on the slides. Well, this time around, Bie took her. Marsya was excited. And as usual, she didn’t want to leave when it was time to go. I had to coax gently into leaving, telling her that we’d meet Ronald outside. Imagine that, I had to play a psychology game with a barely two year old child.

My parents-in-law were already at the house when we were at Siantan. Apparently, they also bought some dishes. So Bie cooked the rice, and mak prepared the dishes; re-heating whatever necessary and preparing the table. What to do, I still couldn’t stand the smell of my own kitchen. I on the other hand, was dealing with the laundry (which was a lot considering we have the habit of leaving a mountain of dirty clothes to be washed over the weekend that we don’t go back to Seremban); hanging them outside, picking up the dry ones to be folded, etc, etc. It was a lot. Luckily it didn’t rain yesterday.

After my in-laws left and Bie was taking his afternoon nap, I felt extra ‘rajin’. So, while Marsya was watching The Wiggles on Disney Playhouse, I filled in the bucket with warm water and started wiping the dust on the TV cabinet, the glass cabinet, the separator cabinet (with all the picture frames), the TV shelf in my room and all the CDs. I have to admit that the TV shelf and the CDs were the most challenging. The dust was, I don’t know… about an inch thick..!! So embarrassed to say so, but yes! I haven’t been able to clean the shelf up and throughout my ‘mabuk’ period, I have not been lifting a finger on the welfare of the house. I finished at about 4pm and my back was killing me. Then, I cleaned the bathroom; not thoroughly as that is Bie’s job, but at least clean enough so that I feel nice taking a shower or doing any business there.

At about 5.30pm, my daughter woke up, and she was throwing tantrum about wanting to take a dip in the pool. She was clinging to her float throughout the house and was also sitting down at the balcony watching some kids playing in the pool. I couldn’t stomach her longing face so at 6pm, we all went down to the pool; me and Marsya in the pool, while Bie sat at the edge of the pool watching us. I did a little swimming, so that was good. A little exercise wouldn’t hurt. When it was time to go, Marsya was screaming and wailing. As usual, she didn’t want to leave the pool. Luckily Bie was there to carry her so we quickly walked out of the pool area and straight into the house.

After feeding her for dinner and a shower, I felt ‘rajin’ still, so I asked Bie whether he had any shirts to be pressed. So of course, he gave me a week’s of shirts to be pressed. Considering that I had my own set of clothes to be pressed, you can imagine how long I was at the ironing board last night. I stopped for a while for dinner and as my back was hurting again, I rested with Marsya while watching Peter Pan on TV. Then, I continued the task and finished at about 12.15am.

I cleaned up and proceeded to go to sleep. So I took Marsya, who was still not asleep at the time, and laid her next to me. I recited the usual surahs in her ears and played with her hair. Not long after, she was asleep, hugging me (it was a nice feeling – I love it when she falls asleep next to me like that). I looked at the clock. It was already 1am. But the funny part was that, I couldn’t sleep. I tried shutting my eyes to go to sleep. But still I couldn’t sleep. Shucks, I guess that was the price I had to pay for being extra ‘rajin’. Too bad. No rest for me.

Family Day at A’ Famosa

Last weekend, the company organized a Family Day at A’ Famosa in Malacca. The telematch was supposed to start at 10.00am but since my name is not even in the list for the telematch games, I thought, why bother coming early. I might as well come in time for lunch. So, that’s just what I did. We reached A’ Famosa at about noon, just in time for lunch.

The food was crappy. I had vegetables only. The rest, trust me, was NOT appealing enough. Marsya was all excited to enter into the pool. We were after all at the Water World. So, not long, I changed Marsya into her swimming attire and I walked with her into one of the kid’s pool. She was excited. She was laughing and pretending to be swimming. I held her hand and walked with her around the pool. She wanted to go onto one of the slides, but there were so many big kids around and these kids were so excited playing that I was sure that they wouldn’t realize a two-year old was trying to make down the slide. So, I talked her out of it. Luckily she was ok with it. Suddenly, I saw something floating in the water. It was not a pleasant sight. So I quickly picked Marsya up and brought her out of the water. She was furious. She kicked, she screamed and she wailed; very upset that I was cutting short her swimming time. I tried to tell her that we were going to another pool, but she wouldn’t listen. Tears were streaming down her face. Too upset at what I did to her. But then, she caught sight of the other pool. She stopped crying and walked eagerly to the other kid’s pool. I was relieved.

She had a good time at the second pool as well. And when I coaxed her into leaving telling her that we were going to another pool i.e. the whirl pool, she easily stood up, walked out of the pool and put her slippers on. The tantrums that were shown at the first pool were not there at all. Bie smiled at me definitely at the thought of Marsya’s antics.

Marsya enjoyed the whirl pool best. First there was the sandy beach, and then there were the man-made waves. She liked the waves very much. She sat at the edge of the pool while waiting for the waves to catch on to her. She spluttered all right when water got into her mouth and nose, but that did not budge her. She continued to sit and enjoy the waves as the waves knocked against her small body. She even made a friend (another toddler) who sat next to her enjoying the waves. It was fun looking at her. She liked the water so much. She was laughing, smiling and making all sorts of noises. She was a beautiful sight to look at.

However, dragging her out of the whirl pool wasn’t easy. She refused to leave the whirl pool. When I tried to pick her up, she dropped her body down into a sleeping position and let the water seep through her hair while allowing her body to float in the water. I spent about half an hour trying to get her out of the whirl pool. But when I finally did, she didn’t throw anymore tantrums. There was no wailing. Lucky me. Mind you, all this time, Bie was watching out for us at the sandy beach. He’s not much of a water person. So he left all the water-entertaining-Marsya time, to me.

I was tired when I walked out of the whirl pool. So we changed very quickly then sought to get the keys to our room (which we got quite late, thanks to the committee… just don’t get me started on that). The minute we got into the car, rain came down, very heavily. Thank goodness that we were already heading to our room.

D’Savoy was very nice. The studio apartment we stayed in was very cozy. I liked it very much. Most of the utensils and furniture were new. We rested for about an hour and a half (Marsya was really tired after the swimming) before getting ready for the dinner that night.

The dinner was held at the cowboy town. The theme was glitz. I was wearing a spaghetti glittered dress, courtesy of a dear friend who nicely loaned the dress to me and of course a pink shawl to cover the areas that were supposed to be covered. We created quite a racquet over at our table because everyone was dressed very nicely.

The food was horrible. I didn’t like it and couldn’t eat much. The performances were so-so. Our performance won second place. I was quite disappointed as I was hoping to get first. After all, our performance had all the right ingredients and the appropriate messages. I guess the judge was being a bit biased (that’s me, resenting the decision).

After dinner, we got back to our apartment and not long after that we were fast asleep.

The next day after breakfast, we went to the Safari World. Marsya enjoyed the animals very much. She was eager to see the animals, but when we got close to them, she screamed because she was also frightened of them. She liked the elephant and the birds. When we went for our safari truck ride, Marsya couldn’t sit down. She was forever standing up, pointing to all the animals that she saw. She particularly liked the elephant, tiger, bear, horse and giraffe. It was fun seeing all these animals through her eyes. Bie and I decided to take her to the zoo one day as she is already beginning to appreciate these animals.

It was already noon when we left the Safari World. After we checked out, we headed back home. I guess the trip was a bit overwhelming for Marsya, because not long after that, she was fast asleep. I looked at her sleeping. She looked like an angel. I smiled remembering her antics at the Water World and the Safari. And I thought to myself, “The trip wouldn’t have been as much fun if I hadn’t seen it through my daughter’s eyes”. In fact, it was the only thing that made the Family Day memorable for Bie and me.

Will post picture soon.

The Unforgettable Me

Last night, as I was packing my clothes for the Family Day (my company is organizing the Family Day at A Famosa for the weekend), whilst ensuring that I had my glittering dress packed carefully (for the dinner tomorrow night) I switched on the radio. The radio was kind a boring, so I resorted to look for interesting CDs that I can listen to; something soothing to the ear. But none of the CDs were interesting enough. So I dug into my collection looking for the perfect music to listen to, and I caught sight of a red cover CD. I held it in my hand and without realizing it, there was a huge smile on my face.

The front cover of the CD was none other than me, wearing my frameless spectacle, looking very nice and proper. Well, to my eyes at least.

I quickly put the CD on the player and listened to the first track. It was a Billy Joel song. I can’t remember the title, coz there were a few Billy Joel’s songs in the CD. I think it was She’s Got A Way, or was it something else. Gosh, I can’t remember, but I know for sure that it was a Billy Joel’s. I liked it. The songs in the CD were so soothing and nice. The best have got to be Jordan Hill’s Remember Me This Way. I love the song very much and I like the lyric. Here, let me share it with you.

Every now and then

We find a special friend

Who never lets us down

Who understands it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see

The love you bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know that you'll be there

Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere

I'll always careI'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

And I won't ever leave

As long as you believe

You just believe

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

The CD was made by a dear, dear friend. She actually made the CD for each and everyone of us Gurls. She spent a huge amount of her time selecting the songs which represented each and every one of us and compiled them into a CD. So the CDs contained a variety of songs, each different from one another. I feel touched that she took the effort to do such a CD. One can just go and purchase a CD at the shop, but she didn’t. She painstakingly chose each song for the CD and did a cover with our faces on it! The efforts spent on doing them alone are just so huge, and priceless. Well one thing’s for sure, you wouldn’t be able to find such CD with such collection of songs at the shop. Now that in itself is invaluable.

To Pah, thank you very much. I treasure the CD and will always cherish the friendship we have. Therefore, now I AM dedicating Jordan Hill's Remember Me This Way to you. Remember me this way, forever, ok... [hugs].

He Deserves Death

I read in the paper today about the former bus driver Hanafi Mat Hassan who will face the death penalty for the rape and murder of Noor Suzaily Mukhtar, an IT engineer, in 2000 at the then Bukit Tinggi housing project, after he failed to get an appeal to reduce his sentence. Honestly, I am very happy that the five judges who sat on the panel at the Federal Court unanimously maintained the death sentence. After all, I think Hanafi deserves the death sentence, after what he brutally did to Noor Suzaily. But the funny part was that, Hanafi was upset and tried to kick the reporters and photographers outside the courtroom. After what he did to Noor Suzaily..!!? Come on. He should have thought of that way, way ahead before he decided to rape and murder her.

I was only 24 when I read in the news about a half-naked body found, still clad with a head-dress, strangled to death by the side of the road near a new isolated project development. The victim was believed to have been strangled, raped, sodomised with something hard and had bruises all over her body. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that such a crime could be committed in Malaysia; harmless Malaysia. This is of course very untrue because over the subsequent years, we hear many more rape and murder cases like Canny Ong and 10-year old Nurul Huda Abdul Ghani in Gelang Patah, Johor (I cried when I read about her. Her assailants should die a slow and painful death).

I was sad. Sad that Noor Suzaily was treated in such manner. She was engaged and was supposed to get married soon. She had a family who loved her and a promising career in IT-related field. I assumed she just recently graduated like me as she was young when she died. After that, I read witnesses’ claims that they saw the bus sped past them and that the bus didn’t stop for any passenger. A motorist (I think it was) even claimed that he saw a woman knocking on the window of the bus, obviously looking very scared and panicky at the possible turn of event. The motorist even tried to follow the bus, but was soon out of range and lost sight. The bus was driven very fast. It didn’t stop at the supposedly intended bus stops. And that sealed the fate of the woman on the bus. That was the day that Noor Suzaily died.

I don’t dispute at the fact that we all die at some point or another, but I curse those who take these people’s lives brutally like as if these people are some helpless creatures and can be treated in any manner as pleased. And I applaud that the people who committed these crimes gets a death penalty which is only fair considering that the victims also passed on after the terrible ordeal that they faced.

So yes, I pray that these vicious and thoughtless predators be given the death sentence. Who am I to say that, I know, but after the terrible crime that they’ve committed, they deserve to die.

As for Noor Suzaily, Nurul Huda and Canny Ong, I pray that Allah place them with the righteous, and may they get the best place in Akhirat. Al-Fatihah.

Wacky Lunch

Last Friday, all the girls at the office (well not all the girls, but there were about eleven of us) went to the Bangsar Shopping Complex for a karaoke session. It was cool. It has been such a long time since we did anything wacky as that. After all, I have been sick. At first I didn’t want to go because I was afraid that I’d vomit. Yes the karaoke centre provided buffet lunch, but I was skeptical at whether I could eat it because I am very selective of my food these days. But I went anyway and oh man…!! Was I glad that I went.

The food was alright, nothing to shout about. I managed to eat some of them. But if given the choice, I don’t think I’d like to repeat the menu. Not that appetizing. But the singing session was the best. Here we were, ages ranging from 23 to 39 having a blast of a time singing their hearts out during the Friday lunch.

You’d be surprised at the number of the male species at the karaoke centre. Without the slightest embarrassment (as it was a Friday and all other males that we know were at the mosque), they too were hanging out at the centre, eating and singing; practically having a good time. Some of them were even wearing baju melayu. So unbecoming. Anyhow, that’s between them and God. After all, we’re not all that innocent anyway.

I managed to sing a few songs. I even danced while singing. I forgot that I am pregnant and that I am still not over my sickness. The others clapped and cheered while I sang. Please bear in mind that I love singing (though I know that I’m not THAT good, but who cares, after all, it’s just for fun) and I haven’t been to a karaoke centre for ages. So what opportunity I had, I utilized it to the max.

The last song that we sang before we headed back to the office was “Bagaikan Puteri” by Farah. It was a happy number and I managed to make everyone stood up and danced and sang with me. It was fun. The room was noisy with our singing and dancing. I had to admit that I was quite ‘semput’ by the end of the song. So were the others. But there were just so much fun that everybody continued to dance and sing. That was the best finale.

We reached the office quite late; about a quarter past three. Luckily my boss was in a meeting. So he didn’t know what time I entered into the office.

It was fun and I really would like to do it again.

It’s Been A Long Time… Again

Raya tahun ni memang rasa macam tak raya lah. I didn’t go anywhere at all. All the open house invites had to be ignored. I didn’t have any appetite at all. Nak minum air pun tak lalu. Pasal bulan puasa, well… I tried to fast for as long as I could but somehow, my body got the best of me. I missed 21 days. Pengsan nak ganti balik tu. But even when I didn’t fast, I couldn’t eat anything. My morning sickness (or daily sickness as I prefer to call it) was terrible. I was just like a bag of lead, baring jer biler tak bermaya. And I only came to the office whenever I felt like it. Asyik MC jer. Rasa tak larat, pergi baring kat surau. Kadang-kadang tu, rasa nak crawl under the table and lie down. Luckily Boss Kecik faham. Him having a pregnant wife as we speak. So he didn’t pressure me too much. I was weak. Sampai jer office, terus masuk toilet and vomit. It was terrible. I lost weight. Quite a lot (I liked it actually). Dah tak lalu makan, nak buat macamana. It’s not like as if I was on a crash diet or something. I couldn’t eat..!!

Kasihan my daughter. During the period which I couldn’t take care of her, I sent her to stay with my aunty. Maksu baby-sits her anyway. Sebab, if I’m not eating, she also wouldn’t be eating. And I don’t want her to suffer on my account. It’s better that she stayed with Maksu. She has friends there and is also well-fed. Biler orang tanya, “Marsya mana?”. My dearest Bie would say, “Hantar dia duduk hostel”. Kasihan Marsya.

By my third month, I was still not doing well. I was vomiting and not eating. So when I went for my monthly check-up, my doctor knew that I was (and am) suffering from a terrible daily sickness. She was worried that I lost 3kg in a matter of month. So, she admitted me. Masuk air and glucose. Because I was too weak at that time, I agreed with her. Anything to regain my energy. So, I was immediately hospitalized. At first I thought duduk hospital sehari jer. But when my doctor did her morning check on me, she said, “You are severely dehydrated. I’m going to ask you to stay another night at the hospital”. At first I didn’t want to. I was bored to death lah. The ward didn’t have a TV and despite the fact that it was a four-person ward, I was the only one there. Mana ada pesakit lain. But she’s the doctor and since dia insisted I stayed another night at the hospital, I relented, provided I get transferred to the single room ward where there’s a TV. So my doctor asked the nurse to take my request into account.

Ingat masuk air tak sakit. Well, memanglah tak sakit, but the cucuk of the syringe to begin the process nak masuk air tu was damn painful. Not to mention masa dia inject ubat masuk kat dalam saluran getah tu. I felt like my heart beat would stop functioning there and then. Bear with me, I am afraid of hospitals. I have never been hospitalized expect for when I gave birth to Marsya. And when the blood was clotted and the water didn’t go through, the nurses had to flush the saline water onto my veins using the syringe. Sakitlah.

I didn’t tell anyone I was hospitalized. I messaged a few friends though, and of course my office knew. I told Maksu and my parents, but I told them not to visit me sebab bukan cedera parah pun (Alhamdulillah), masuk air jer. Even my in-laws didn’t know. They only knew when Bie saw his father at one of the shops near the hospital; he was looking to buy a lock. I didn’t want to worry anyone. A friend came to visit on my second night. She brought me loads of books to read. Bukan baca pun. Baca satu buku and that was that.

All in all, masuklah 9 botol air. Ok lagi tu. My mother masuk 16 botol when she had me. My doctor graciously gave me a week of medical leave. Dia suruh rehat kat rumah.

I have to admit that being hospitalized did help me. It gave me energy and appetite to eat. So, I do eat these days. Kira dah ada selera makan, but tak sepenuhnya. Tak semua benda boleh masuk. What I eat these days is nasi and masak lemak kuning sebab takder bawang. Otherwise, tahan tak makan. Tak bolehlah. And the only lauk I can take is fish. Ayam ke, other types of seafood ke, sorry lah. Tak tertelan kat anak tekak nie.

When I got back to the office, my colleagues created quite a buzz over me. Semua tanya dah ok ke belumlah, dah boleh makan ke belum, kurusnya – makan lebih sikit, etc, etc. Sampai tak terlarat nak jawab. But all of them said I looked much better. I guess I do. In fact, I feel a lot better too. I still cannot stand smell and though I cannot eat ALL food, at least I’m eating. That’s a good start. I even have a baby bump now. Not that big, but still. Better than nothing.

I am now coming to 4 months in a week. I really hope that this daily sickness will be over soon. Tak laratlah macam ni. I think this time around it’s quite bad compared to the first one. That’s why I didn’t update the blog. I just TAK LARAT nak write anything. I wasn’t focused and I didn’t have the mood. My works pun banyak pending. But I really hope that this’ll all be over soon.

Just Those Days

This morning I woke up with a terrible headache and the urges of wanting to vomit is overwhelming. It was tiring and not something I look forward to these days. I haven’t been fasting for a week now. I had wanted to but my current circumstances forbid me from doing so. I would get terrible gastric and vomit till there’s nothing else to throw up… [sigh]… and I would be dead tired after that. My limbs would be sore and I would feel like lying down for hours and hours. But I couldn’t afford to do that as I still have to go to work. At work, I would be walking like a zombie and when the clock reached 1pm, I would be the first to go to the surau for my afternoon nap. I have to take naps these days. Otherwise, I would feel all sick inside and wouldn’t be able to hold my head up. I would feel that the room is spinning and that within seconds; I would collapse together with the room.

All these happened last Tuesday (3 October 2006). Prior to that, I had none of this dizzy spells or sickness. I had the appetite to eat, I didn’t vomit and I didn’t feel tired all the time. But today, and perhaps for the next couple of months, I would feel nausea, throw up, feel tired, loose appetite, and the list goes on and on. Luckily I could still look at food (certain food only) and eat rice. Last time, I couldn’t even look at rice. They looked like little maggots to me. But I still do HATE the smell of cooking. The smell of onions and garlic being fried, chicken curry, sambal tumis, sayur goreng,… yuucckkkss… (My face cringes as I wrote this down. I can’t stand them..!! But the smell is all around me, especially when I go over to Maksu’s place to fetch Marsya. I hate it terribly).

It all began on the 30th of September. My period has been delayed over a week. I wanted to do the pregnancy test a lot sooner but I feared that the result wouldn’t be on my side. I had been trying for about two months and I really wanted to get pregnant. My friends whose babies are younger than my daughter are having their second ones and that sort of encouraged me to get started on having a second baby. My dearest Bie seemed to think that I have been showing the early signs, but he didn’t say anything. He just bought the pregnancy test and said, “Maybe it’s time that we check it out”.

So after sahur on 30th September, I proceeded to take the test. I waited for two minutes. But somehow the two minutes dragged till it became four minutes. I was afraid. Afraid that the early signs were false alarms. After four minutes, I went to the bathroom to look at the result. There were double lines in the result area. I had to read back the instruction and guidelines on the box to be certain. Double lines shows that you are pregnant. Oh my God… praise to Allah, I am pregnant. I walked out of the bathroom beaming from ear to ear. Bie saw me and said, “I knew you were pregnant. The signs were all there”. He kissed my forehead and congratulated me.

I didn’t go see my gynecologist till the 3rd of October, after the terrible vomits and gastric. She confirmed that I was pregnant but as it is still very early, she didn’t see any heartbeat. That worried me a bit, because I wanted to see the baby’s heart beat, just an assurance that the baby’s fine, somewhere in my uterus. So she asked me to see her again on the 17th to check on the baby’s heartbeat. I can’t wait for that.

So there you go, I am letting the world know that I am pregnant with a second baby. As much as I’d like to be pregnant, I forgot how horrendous the first trimester is. I am experiencing quite a bad morning sickness (make it an all day sickness) and I can’t wait for my second trimester where I would be a lot stronger (Insya Allah) and have the appetite to eat; no nausea or vomits. But I am thankful that so far… (let’s hope it’ll be like this until I reach the second trimester) that this time, it isn’t as bad as when I was pregnant with Marsya… SO far. I hope I’m not saying it too soon. When I had Marsya, I was really sick. Let’s hope that this pregnancy wouldn’t be as bad or better still, worse than the first one. I don’t think I can take that. Yes I’d still be tired and all and moody, but I think Allah gave me a little strength still because I have a daughter to take care of. A daughter who is suddenly showing so many tantrums and does not want to stop breastfeeding… [sigh]… that’s another issue I have to handle. How do I stop my baby from breastfeeding… any idea?

Anyway, please pray that both my unborn child and I are well and healthy. I truly can’t wait to see the baby soon. I hope that he or she is always under the protection of Allah most Merciful, and I also hope that I’ll deliver him or her safely in about ten months’ time… Insya-Allah.

A Night Out At KLCC

I went to KLCC last week to have dinner with some friends. ANA wanted to introduce me to his new fiancée and celebrate his new status as a betrothed man. Lin and I waited for him at the Dome and later, we went to the fourth floor to look for a nice eating place. At first ANA wanted to eat at the Kelantan Delights. Surprisingly, it was quite packed compared to normal days. I guess it was due to Madame Kwan’s being closed for renovation. We ended up eating at the Sundanese restaurant.

ANA treated us for the dinner. I had wanted the likes of Chilies, but he wanted rice. So be it. We talked and it was good. It had been ages since the three of us sat together and chit-chatted. ANA was quiet. Probably nervous at the thought of introducing his fiancée to me.

The foods were served and I took the first bite of the fish. Very nice. Not long after, the awaited fiancée arrived. She was small in size, rather petite and looked sweet. I don’t know why, but her size and face reminded me of ANA’s first girlfriend, the one he had difficulty forgetting. Oh well, it could just be a coincidence. She was however prettier than the ex-girlfriend.

The minute she saw me, she exclaimed loudly and said, “So this is the famous Ija”. I was a little surprised. Now what is it that that they’ve been talking about behind my back? But I kept a straight face and said, “Yup, the one and only, alright”. I didn’t like it. But I ignored her and went on eating. The fiancée didn’t speak much to me during dinner, at the beginning. But somehow later, thanks to my ‘ramah’ attitude, we were soon talking and laughing. Her favourite subject was of course ANA, her new fiancé. And that was one topic that I could go on for night. But somehow, out of my respect for ANA, as we have been friends for about 13 years now, I only told her the good stuff. On how gentleman he is, how funny he is (on those very rare occasions) and how he always seemed to be there when you wanted a lending ear. She beamed. I mean, we’re after all complimenting on her future husband.

There were few remarks by ANA that made me bit my tongue for fearing of saying it out loud. And ANA looked at me, smiling, as if saying, don’t spill the beans, ok. I think his fiancée noticed our exchange of smiles and looks, but that is just one of the things that she has to live with her. After all, I know her fiancé long before she knows him. Of course, after they get married, she would know him more than I do. But for now, she would just have to live with that fact.

We left the restaurant at a quarter to 10 in the evening. As my dearest Bie hadn’t reached KLCC to meet me, I hung out with Lin. We went to the KLCC man-made fountain lake and sat there staring at the people while talking. There were a lot of people there and I was actually quite surprised considering it’s a weekday and the next day is a working day.

Lin and I talked. It was ages since we actually did that. We used to do the hanging out bit, just both of us, quite often in the past. But when I have Marsya, the hanging out has been reduced, so on that night, we were both thankful for that rare moment; just hang out at a public place and chit-chat. We talked about a lot of things, from personal matters to work. We were both happy that ANA is finally settling down and that they’re getting married in time for Raya Haji next year. And of course we talked about ANA; things which should not very well be revealed during our dinner with the fiancée. And we laughed out loud when reminiscing the past. It was good.

My dearest Bie arrived at half past ten. Then we left KLCC.

I Stink

I made another HUGE blunder today. Me and my mouth, and my head for that matter for not thinking it thoroughly. I think I am loosing my empathic capabilities. I make comments to people close to me without really thinking what I say and in the end, hurting them in the process.

I am a terrible, terrible friend. Yes, I see that in myself at the moment. Never knowing when to shut up and always thinking I know everything when for the fact is that I know nothing. Always wanting to compare myself with others, sometimes being down right selfish to people’s thought and thinking with that ‘tak apa’ attitude. I don’t deserve good friends lah. Me, a woman who prides in maintaining close girlfriends even after marriage. Who depends on girlfriends even though I have a husband and a baby (how sick is that, right?). Well right now, I don’t think I’m that worthy anymore.

I hate the after feeling of making a stupid mistake. I hate making close friends hurt. I hate it, I hate it and I hate it. But I can’t seem to run away from that. Somehow in the future, I’d repeat the same mistakes and other people would end up getting hurt. I might as well be put in a box somewhere.

I had an online quarrel with a good friend a couple of months back. I felt terrible. I admit that it was due to my stupid remark (one of those moments where I make remarks without thinking – yeah, me being selfish and non-empathic again) that got the whole thing started. Stunned as I was by her reply, I was emotionally and physically affected. Others may not see that. They may see me as a ‘tak apa’ kind of girl who is not affected by the smallest comment. But when it happens in situations that I am attached to dearly (emotionally and physically), it got to me. I was upset for weeks. Heck, my monthly period was also delayed. Too emotionally strained. I was stupid. And now, I am repeating the same thing yet again. How DUMB is that??? [sigh]…

The thing is, I can’t shut myself up. Whenever I try not to say anything, I’ll end up giving comments. I’m like one of those critics in the paper. Though a critic is harsh, I try to stay away from that. But being me, I just have to be critical.

To all friends, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my remarks, comments or statements. I can understand if you’re mad at me, please do so. You’re entitled to it. I can’t promise not to repeat it because it’s in my nature to make remarks; it’s in my blood. But, I will try to think first before I say anything (I have to, I really have to). I hate it when friends get hurt because of my stupid remarks. I probably don’t deserve you. I’m probably better of not depending too much on friends as I’d only offend them.

Selfish that I am, I want both in my life; a marriage and friends. I don’t know whether you can balance both. But at the rate I’m going, I wonder who would be hurt in the process.

I’m sorry. Truly very sorry.

Patience Is Thinning

Last night was another night that my daughter went berserk on me. She was screaming, crying (sampai tersedu-sedu) and didn’t want to go to sleep. Whenever she slept, she would wake up again. And that’s like for every half an hour or so. It was tiring.

She wanted breast milk, but I can’t give it to her. It was too painful. She has a lot of teeth these days and does not hesitate to use them in whichever circumstances. Therefore, I refuse to let in on her. And of course she was in fits. She screamed, refused to take the bottled milk I prepared for her and cried like as if she was in terrible, physical pain. And to make matters worse, I have been very tired lately. The past several weeks were just too much and yesterday, I had that training at NIOSH, Bangi from 9am to 5pm. So I was physically and mentally tired. Her screaming didn’t help. The fact that she didn’t want her father also wasn’t helping.

Her crying got to me. I was upset. I could feel my patience thinning and the urge to smack her little butt was at the verge of my finger tips. But I tried to control myself and recited some zikir so that I could control my temper.

Earlier that day, she was also in fits. When I disallowed her to walk outside of the house (in front of my in-laws’ house), she screamed hysterically and started to “berguling” on the floor where Bak’s kancil is parked. When I tried to pick her up, she slanted her body so that I couldn’t pick her up. And when her abi tried to pick her up, she screamed even louder. But I was quite calm. Tired that I was, I didn’t give in to anger and thus could still control my temper. But last night was just too much. It’s been going on for a while already and I am just tired of it.

And when she was crying like that, I spanked her leg. She was surprised, looked up at me and screamed even louder. I couldn’t take it. I left her on the bed, still screaming and went outside of the room. My dearest Bie went into the room and picked her up, but she refused to be picked up. I was outside, pacing the room up and down trying to recollect my better judgment. My mind felt cluttered and I couldn’t seem to think straight. I did some breathing exercise and went back to the bedroom. My dearest Bie was trying to coax her to keep quiet. And he’s not doing a good job of it. So, I picked her up from him and uttered a few “memujuk” words and went ahead to breastfeed her. I was in terrible pain, all right and couldn’t sleep much. But I don’t have a choice.

And I thought that was it, and that she’d sleep soundly and would only wake up in the morning. However, that was not to be. She woke up again at 3am and refused to go back to sleep. She took my make-up bag and started applying the lipstick on her lips and the powder on her cheeks. I was to sleepy to take notice. Luckily my dearest Bie was there to “layan” her. I woke up now and then again and at about 4.30am, Bie was just too sleepy and asked me to give Marsya her “candu”. So there I was, doing it again. Painful as it is, I didn’t have a choice. Or else, she wouldn’t go to sleep.

This morning, I woke up quite late (didn’t hear the alarm clock went off) and left the house at 7am. Usually I left around 6.30am to avoid the jam. And yes, I was stuck in a few jam [sigh] and reached my aunt’s place quite late.

Is it normal to feel this? Is it normal to feel like spanking your baby when he or she is crying loudly, practically screaming non-stop? Now I guess I can understand why certain mothers resort to abusing their children (usually those in the toddler age group) when they just couldn’t control the temper anymore thus not being very patient at all. I don’t want to be one of those mothers. We still have our faith to dictate our actions and I intend to control my temper for as long as I can. Tak naklah nanti, “Sesal dulu pendapatan. Sesal kemudian, tidak berguna” kan.

Oh Allah, please give me the strength to control my temper and shower my baby with endless love and care. Amin.

Suddenly, Things Are Too Fast

I am rather guilty for not updating the blog. I have every intention to write about a lot of things, but I have been bogged down with work. A lot of it, thus very little time to tell stories in the blog. From eating a lot of durian at the office here (and getting sick afterwards) to attending weddings, life suddenly is a bit of a roller coaster. A bit like the film Click. You know, the one that Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsdale acted in where Adam is this guy who likes to fast forward his life using this universal remote control so that he can skip the boring stuff and be at that career level that he’s been wanting to have. I like Click. It makes me ponder on the littlest things in life which really meant a lot to me but I have overlooked. The film has this surprising moral value to it, unlike any of Adam’s films in the past. It’s dead hilarious, serious (and at one point, extremely sad – I had to wipe the tears using the back of my hand) and I have to add in again, VERY funny. Go get a DVD or something if you haven’t seen it.

Look at that, I’m getting carried away with the movie already. Anyway, I have a class this Sunday teaching a roomful of safety officers some Business Communication Skills. I’m actually taking over the class from a trainer who couldn’t teach this Sunday so had to give up his class to someone else equally skilful and that someone happens to be me. Equally skilful?? Hell no..!! I am a nervous wreck. I don’t know if I can pull it of. I am SO afraid to be standing in a class full of male adults (about 25 of them and only 2 are female) and teach them Business Communication Skills. And to make matters worse, this is my first time!! I have the materials courtesy of the nice trainer, but can I pull it of? What do I do to pass the time? I have to teach them for 8 hours, all right, and that’s VERY long for a first timer like me. I haven’t had time to prepare as I was too busy with work. I mean, I need to at least be familiar with the stuff that I’m teaching. No doubt I do communication skills ALL THE TIME, but it’s different for safety officers. They don’t do reports, letters and memos everyday. So I have to convert whatever knowledge I have to their level and thus need to do some ground work. I have 4 days left. I can’t do it at home coz my time will be fully occupied with house chores.

This is very stressing. I have to come up with group activities. But what sort of activities can be done if you have to teach how to draft reports, memos, letters and emails? I need ideas. Anyone has any? You know, do group activities that relate to drafting memos, letters, etc. The trainer said, “Look up for them at the Internet”. As if I don’t know that already. But I haven’t had the time to surf the net for it. So, if any of you have ideas, maybe those that you came across during seminars and training, please…, please, share them with me. I am SO open to ALL ideas.

Gosh, it’s 9am already. Time sure flies fast. I’ve got board papers to do. Later…

May He Gets What He Deserves

Tomorrow my dearest Bie’s going to court. This is in relation to the condo/apartment we bought in Setapak about 3 years ago. The one which didn’t go very well. It’s just so sad. We spent about RM20k to buy the condo; about RM15k for the condo itself whilst the remaining RM5k went towards legal and stamp duty fees. My duit hantaran was totally exhausted towards the down payment whilst my dearest Bie added in several thousand RM just so that we can get our life on the track; you know, just being married and everything.

But the turnout wasn’t as we expected it. We met the owners. He was very nice. Seemed religious. Always puasa sunat with his wife. Always solat berjemaah at the nearest mosque. He even gave us marriage advice. We thought he was all right. Turned out, he was the devil in disguise. Just as when our sale and purchase agreement was nearing completion, he backed out. The reason he gave was that the solicitor didn’t act fast enough thus the bank was late in paying the differential sum to his existing financier or something. And to make matters worse, he DID NOT want to refund our money. He even had the nerves to ask us for compensations. We were shocked. I was in an emotional turmoil. I cried almost every day. We thought the new house would be the start of a happy marriage. But it didn’t.

That %&@#$ guy refused to meet up with us. My dearest Bie called him many times but he refused to talk. He asked Bie to speak to his solicitor. And when my dearest Bie went to the condo wanting to meet this orang tua tak sedar diri, he didn’t open the door. He kept quiet, konon takder orang kat rumahlah. When for actual fact, we knew that he was home. His shoes and slippers were outside. We were CONNED..!!

So, we took action against him, trying to get a court order for him to refund our money. Affidavits upon affidavits, court hearing kept on being postponed, and finally the day draws near. Tomorrow, my dearest Bie is going to court as witness to our case.

I truly hope that the Puan Majistret takes pity on us. I’m done crying. I just want that %$@* to refund our money. That is all.

However, I have to admit that this whole affair had its hikmah. Allah is after all the Most Knowing. We found another condo not long after the Setapak one was ditched. And somehow, with His help, we managed to korek sana and korek sini for the down payment and the legal fees, both the sale and purchase agreement and the loan agreement. Luckily we didn’t have to pay any stamp duty because at that time, the government just announced that for residences below RM180k, stamp duty waived. Ours was RM176k. And it is a much more wonderful place to live in. It is a low dense condo with just two blocks. Behind it is the forest reserve. So at night, the climate is kind of cool. We don’t even have air-conditioning. The fresh air is so much better. Yes, this is the hikmah that we got when the Setapak condo didn’t go as planned. Unfortunately with a very hefty price.

Whatever it is, I pray that things will go good tomorrow. I really hope so. Please pray for me.

Already Showing Power

The east side wing of the office is undergoing quite a renovation. Walls are being drilled into, dusts are flying everywhere, noises are heard at full blast, planks of woods can be seen all over the place, the ceilings are left gaping, a section of the wing is like a dump hole, and the list goes on an on. To make matters worse, people are actually working in this SO NOT conducive environment. They have to. They have no choice. All because a certain individual who has just joined the company is unhappy with the room allocated for him and wants to make changes. Huge changes at that. The thing is, these changes are not just for his room, but also the adjacent rooms. In fact, all rooms in which this individual has to pass when he enters his room. He wants standardized glass door for all the rooms there and same wooden panels. And which makes me most angry is the fact that he’s not joining as the MD; we have that already, recently joined as well, BUT as the head of Strategic Marketing. Just Strategic Marketing; all talk and no work. He’s only been with us for a month. Just ONE month and he carries himself like the head of the company. I guess my MD couldn’t do much because he was the one who pulled this guy in, in the first place.

My colleagues on the east wing have suffered since last Monday. Some of them were even on medical leave because they have asthma and other illnesses. Imagine having to breathe in the air full of dust particles and working in a condition like that.

I visited the east wing just now and not long, I felt my nose twitch and the impulse to sneeze was lingering at my nose. Imagine those who have been there since Monday? I pity my friends there. Because of one stuck-up, likes to curse, individual, everybody had to suffer. What even got me mad was the fact that he asked the head of admin here not to ‘layan sangat’ the people downstairs. He can say that alright coz he doesn’t sit there during all these renovation works. He has his room upstairs (the room which was allocated for him but he dislikes). He is still breathing cleaner air compared to my friends downstairs.

I hate people like this. They join here and just because they have the so-called relationship with the MD, he can do whatever he pleases. He hasn’t done anything for the company. At least perform first, and if you request these sorts of things, it wouldn’t be as bad. But you have done nothing. And yet you act like you own the company. Wanting everything to accommodate for yourself. This is NOT your company. You can’t simply use company’s money just like that. Not when we’re currently on the verge of financing a LOT of projects. We need all the cash that we have.

But then, that’s basically what all bosses think. Just because they’re the management, they think they have the rights over the company’s money. The heck with corporate governance and the responsibility to increase shareholder’s wealth. They’re usually employed on a contract basis, so when their contracts expire, they just stand up and leave. Leaving the company with a lot of debt, obviously not bothered coz they will say, “Let the new management crack their heads to resolve it”.

And this new guy’s probably the same. He’s not particularly friendly with the staff nor is he civil enough to smile at anyone who passes in front of him. And I heard that he’s also looking for a new secretary, preferably Chinese, single and willing to travel.

He’s definitely NOT in my good book.

Got Best Project Speech

I am a member of the toastmasters club, District 51. I have been a member since August 2003. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very disciplined on the delivery of project speeches. Nearly all my friends who became members about the same time that I joined the club, have all finished their ten basic manual speeches and obtained the title Competent Toastmaster abbreviated for short, CTM. As for me, I’m like a chocolate cookie. Now you see me, now you don’t. There was a time when I attend club meetings on a frequent basis. But there have also been times that I have not been attending at all. I was plagued by the usual disease; LAZY. The meetings usually take place after work and therefore, the LAZY streak suddenly crops into place whenever I thought of attending.

But now, we have a new president. My president is a very funny guy. And he’s quite cute looking as well, considering of his mixed parentage. Albeit he has a little tummy, I like him all the same. Lately, I haven’t been missing club meetings much. With the new president and the new exco members, the club seems to have been given a new breath of air. It is much more fun and the enthusiasm of the new members; make me want to attend the meeting all the time. The new members compete with each other to complete all ten speeches. And there I was, considered as an old member, still stuck at speech number seven. And to make matters worse, my president, in his closing speech always spare me some cute remarks reminding everyone present that I am stuck at speech seven and not moving forward. So, to take the challenge, for last week’s meeting I presented my speech number eight; To Beat Or Not To Beat, That Is The Question, something about if we love our children, should we hit them.

I was also the TME for the meeting. TME is Toastmaster of the Evening. I was in charge of chairing the meeting. Of course I applied my unorthodox way in chairing the meeting. The theme was music. I had everyone dancing and singing to REM’s Shiny Happy People and later conducted the Table Topic Session ‘ala’ musical chair. When the music stops, the person who was holding to the envelope had to give an impromptu speech. That got everybody excited. It was good.

When it was time for me to deliver my speech, I was a nervous wreck. Although I was the TME and thus got warmed up talking in front of people, but this is a speech that we’re talking about. I haven’t delivered one for ages. I saw myself stuttering in front of these people. I saw myself stuck, not being able to say anything. I walked to the centre stage and began my speech.

The next seven minutes, I had everyone listening to me tentatively. All eyes were on me. And when I finished my speech, I was given quite an applause. People were congratulating me saying that my speech was good, and that I didn’t look nervous at all. They even said that I was a natural and I was gifted i.e. not everyone can deliver a speech like I did. I smiled, taking into all the compliments with a very happy feeling. It felt good doing the speech. And I had to admit that it came to no surprise when I got the best project speech (macam bagus tak? Hehehehe...). I received excellent reviews in my basic speech manual and that made me feel good.

The next day, I received individual emails from friends and of course, my president congratulating me on my speech. And of course they’re looking forward to my ninth speech and thereafter the tenth and final speech. Hhmm… looks like I have to really think hard on something catchy for my next speech. Ironically, the project speech is skewed towards powers of persuasion. Now, what would be an interesting topic for me to persuade people on? Hhmmm…

By the way, a certain thank you for a good friend who gave me flowers about 2 weeks ago. It’s still on my table. I have thrown away the wilted leaves, but surprisingly, most of the flowered stalks are still green. I have just cleaned the vase and replaced it with fresh, mineral water. I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much.