I made another HUGE blunder today. Me and my mouth, and my head for that matter for not thinking it thoroughly. I think I am loosing my empathic capabilities. I make comments to people close to me without really thinking what I say and in the end, hurting them in the process.
I am a terrible, terrible friend. Yes, I see that in myself at the moment. Never knowing when to shut up and always thinking I know everything when for the fact is that I know nothing. Always wanting to compare myself with others, sometimes being down right selfish to people’s thought and thinking with that ‘tak apa’ attitude. I don’t deserve good friends lah. Me, a woman who prides in maintaining close girlfriends even after marriage. Who depends on girlfriends even though I have a husband and a baby (how sick is that, right?). Well right now, I don’t think I’m that worthy anymore.
I hate the after feeling of making a stupid mistake. I hate making close friends hurt. I hate it, I hate it and I hate it. But I can’t seem to run away from that. Somehow in the future, I’d repeat the same mistakes and other people would end up getting hurt. I might as well be put in a box somewhere.
I had an online quarrel with a good friend a couple of months back. I felt terrible. I admit that it was due to my stupid remark (one of those moments where I make remarks without thinking – yeah, me being selfish and non-empathic again) that got the whole thing started. Stunned as I was by her reply, I was emotionally and physically affected. Others may not see that. They may see me as a ‘tak apa’ kind of girl who is not affected by the smallest comment. But when it happens in situations that I am attached to dearly (emotionally and physically), it got to me. I was upset for weeks. Heck, my monthly period was also delayed. Too emotionally strained. I was stupid. And now, I am repeating the same thing yet again. How DUMB is that??? [sigh]…
The thing is, I can’t shut myself up. Whenever I try not to say anything, I’ll end up giving comments. I’m like one of those critics in the paper. Though a critic is harsh, I try to stay away from that. But being me, I just have to be critical.
To all friends, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my remarks, comments or statements. I can understand if you’re mad at me, please do so. You’re entitled to it. I can’t promise not to repeat it because it’s in my nature to make remarks; it’s in my blood. But, I will try to think first before I say anything (I have to, I really have to). I hate it when friends get hurt because of my stupid remarks. I probably don’t deserve you. I’m probably better of not depending too much on friends as I’d only offend them.
Selfish that I am, I want both in my life; a marriage and friends. I don’t know whether you can balance both. But at the rate I’m going, I wonder who would be hurt in the process.
I’m sorry. Truly very sorry.
I am a terrible, terrible friend. Yes, I see that in myself at the moment. Never knowing when to shut up and always thinking I know everything when for the fact is that I know nothing. Always wanting to compare myself with others, sometimes being down right selfish to people’s thought and thinking with that ‘tak apa’ attitude. I don’t deserve good friends lah. Me, a woman who prides in maintaining close girlfriends even after marriage. Who depends on girlfriends even though I have a husband and a baby (how sick is that, right?). Well right now, I don’t think I’m that worthy anymore.
I hate the after feeling of making a stupid mistake. I hate making close friends hurt. I hate it, I hate it and I hate it. But I can’t seem to run away from that. Somehow in the future, I’d repeat the same mistakes and other people would end up getting hurt. I might as well be put in a box somewhere.
I had an online quarrel with a good friend a couple of months back. I felt terrible. I admit that it was due to my stupid remark (one of those moments where I make remarks without thinking – yeah, me being selfish and non-empathic again) that got the whole thing started. Stunned as I was by her reply, I was emotionally and physically affected. Others may not see that. They may see me as a ‘tak apa’ kind of girl who is not affected by the smallest comment. But when it happens in situations that I am attached to dearly (emotionally and physically), it got to me. I was upset for weeks. Heck, my monthly period was also delayed. Too emotionally strained. I was stupid. And now, I am repeating the same thing yet again. How DUMB is that??? [sigh]…
The thing is, I can’t shut myself up. Whenever I try not to say anything, I’ll end up giving comments. I’m like one of those critics in the paper. Though a critic is harsh, I try to stay away from that. But being me, I just have to be critical.
To all friends, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my remarks, comments or statements. I can understand if you’re mad at me, please do so. You’re entitled to it. I can’t promise not to repeat it because it’s in my nature to make remarks; it’s in my blood. But, I will try to think first before I say anything (I have to, I really have to). I hate it when friends get hurt because of my stupid remarks. I probably don’t deserve you. I’m probably better of not depending too much on friends as I’d only offend them.
Selfish that I am, I want both in my life; a marriage and friends. I don’t know whether you can balance both. But at the rate I’m going, I wonder who would be hurt in the process.
I’m sorry. Truly very sorry.
3 comments:
Ello kawan, what happened la...? Anyway, there's pros and cons of being critical, outspoken and speak your mind out. The same goes with those who like to bottle things up (there are pros and cons too). I think people (not just your hubby la), especially friends should be able to accept you for who you are.. right?
Anyway, to repeat my question in earlier entry - are you and masleena@UEMLAND.com the same person? To avoid mistaken identity laaa, that's all :)
hi ija,
i agree with abdun, that being friends mean that a friend accept you for who you are. but it also means that you have to accept their feedback as who they are also, kan? friendship is not a one way relationship kan?
this is my feedback to you. the fact that i know you will be hurt with whatever i say pains me, but it will not stop me commenting. cos i am your friend. if a friend tak bagi honest feedback, who else will?
i cant speak on behalf of your friend ni. but i can speak of the "online quarrel" that you wrote about. it wasnt a quarrel. it was more of a lovers spat really. whatever you said then did hurt me, deeply. it was the sentiment behind the words that got me. but after saying that, i moved on, and i hope WE have moved on. it made us closer, now that we know that we can disagree, make up and move on.
you are NOT a bad friend. you really are not. believe me, cos if you are, i wont be denying it here. you have been a GOOD friend to me. you are. VERY GOOD friend.
stop beating urself girl. instead understand why your friend is hurt. she loves u enough to tell you that she was hurt by your comment. she must also think that you are a good friend. one disagreement does not discount years of love and care that we have established.
i love you. and you are a good friend ija. stop beating urself ok?
hugs & lotsa love.
Thanks guys.. :)
I know I can be a pain sometimes, and a little ditsy, but I'm glad that we can see past all that. Please do not hesitate to inform me should I be doing it again.
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