Roller Coaster Ride

I’m ok now. We had the talk. It was important. I guess it helped put my roller coaster emotions in its tracks, for now. I think it’s the hormones. I don’t know. I have been having these terrible roller coaster emotions lately. And the funny thing is that, it’s all in my head. All the words, the statements, things I see, the way I feel. It’s like, don’t get me crossed coz you’ll definitely get it. Yesterday, it was Ibu.

I was on the phone with her. She called me because she just wanted to know how the kids were. They were sick a couple of weeks ago. And we got to talking. About how my unemployed brother not appreciating the money that bought him breakfast. Ayah bought him a nasi lemak, but he didn’t eat it. I told Ibu that you need money to buy nasi lemak. Even if it’s only RM1.50. She jokingly said that I was also like that once. And I flipped. I told her off. Can you imagine that? Basically, I said something like this:

“No. I treasure all the money that I had when I was a student. Ayah didn’t give me money at all, unlike my brothers. I lived on my monthly allowances, which was not a lot, but I made do with the amount that I got”, and some other words.

To which Ibu replied, “Yerlah. And with all the money that you have, you gave them to people”.

That really ticked me off, and I made some hurtful remarks to Ibu because I was mad. I verbally attacked her using her life as an example on the occasions that she gave her money away. The minute I hung up, I was really feeling regret. I shouldn’t have raised my voice to her. It was uncalled for. I am her daughter for goodness sake. It’s a sin to raise your voice to your mother. The person who carried you for more than 9 months, and took care of you until you can finally make your own living. I felt bad. So about 10 minutes later, when I was a lot cooler, I gave her a call, and apologized. Though she said it was ok, it didn’t make me feel any better. This roller coaster emotion is really bad.

I really have to control them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s just so tiring having to take care of everyone’s feelings… [sigh]. Does that mean that I cannot express my anger or just let go some of the steam in my body? I don’t know.

Anyway, I have just discovered this great music streaming website from the internet where you can create a playlist of your own and practically listen to any song you like. So I created a list of British Indie rock music, which was quite famous in the mid 90’s and late 90’s. I love my playlist. It’s got The Seahorses, Catatonia, Ocean Colour Scene, Oasis, Manic Street Preachers, Garbage and Blur. I love it. And I have been listening to the playlist since a couple of days ago. These were the songs that I was into when I was in the UK. It was fantastic. I remember buying the singles and listening to them over and over again. And this was more than 10 years ago. Such a long time ago. I feel old.

Not Feeling Too Good

I know I haven’t been updating the blog for over a month now, and that whenever I do update, it’d always be about my feelings, or what I was feeling that day. I guess I just do not have any reasonable outlet at this point in time. I don’t share it with people I know because they might pass judgements. Somehow complete strangers seem to be the best bet at the moment. I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m rambling about. It’s like I know what I want to write, but when it comes to writing it down, I’ll always wonder whether it’ll be too much information.

So many things have happened. My brother is moving to his new house. It’s in Desa Coalfields. Further up than Sungai Buloh prison, but easily accessible via the Guthrie Expressway. Yes, it is very far, but it is a nice cozy double storey terraced house, with nice-looking bathrooms. My parents’ focus is there at the moment. They get worried about Ayin not being able to move in before the end of the month. They have this huge pity for him because he was double-crossed by the stupid Wan (the one who was supposed to do his kitchen). They pity that he had to clean the house by himself considering that his son is currently very ‘active’ and his wife couldn’t put him down even for five minutes to help him with the house. And I have to admit that I get tired of listening to the same thing from both my parents. I mean, everyone has to endure some kind of challenges in life, right. And that was my brother’s challenge. He’s a grown man. He’ll know what to do. I guess I’m just a little ticked off because I don’t remember them having such concerns when I moved into my house. Was it just because it was a 1,200 sq ft apartment? Heck I was pregnant with Marsya at that moment for goodness sake. Somehow they don’t worry about me that much. Yes they’re worried about my current situation, but I always tell them not to because it’s my problem. I’ll deal with it. Talk about eldest syndrome. I think I have it.

There is also another thing that is bugging my head. How I wish I can share it here with the rest of the world, but unfortunately it is not a very good thing to do… [sigh]… this thing has been weighing me down like a rock. It ruined my weekend. And I think it also ruined my Saturday breakfast and karaoke session with Yamm. I don’t want to be melodramatic about it. But when I am feeling like this, I can be full of drama (and exaggeration I suppose). Somehow Yamm caught it. She was asking me on Saturday, why I was ‘seponyek’ or something. It was her word. I can’t remember. But I denied any ill-feeling and told her that I was alright. And that there was nothing ‘seponyek’ about me. Of all people, Yamm asked me. I guess when you’ve been friends for long; one would notice that kind of thing. If Pah was around, I know for sure that she was going to dig it out of me. She doesn’t care… but Yamm is too nice to do that. She doesn’t force it out of you unless you yourself want to share. I’m not saying that Pah isn’t nice. When it comes to Pah, I don’t mind she digging anything out, even by force.

I think I have to have a heart-to-heart session. Or maybe just send an email because talking (especially when both are at the anger stage) rarely produces the results you want. Talk about being rationale even at this point in time. But yeah, that’s me. Always weighing on how best to do things.

Yeah, I think I’ll do that.

Why Oh Why Must It Always Be The Man

There is an AC meeting this morning. The thing which made me upset was that, I was the one who prepared the paper, but I didn’t get to be in the meeting. The one who got to be in the meeting was someone who didn’t prepare the paper. Who knew very little of the proposal that I prepared like mad for the past couple of weeks (talking with investment bankers, lawyers, and Management of our holding company, going back late, etc), but joined the meeting like he was someone special. And the fact that he got to be in, was because he is a MAN. Though the company talks about gender equality, BS!! I don’t think it is an acknowledged statement. Save for perhaps this one particular sister company whose head is a woman, other heads of companies are male.

I was in the huge boardroom this morning, arranging the presentation slides so that CIMB can do its bit. The Manager asked me why I wasn’t in the meeting, and I could only look at my boss and smiled. The least that my boss could do was invite me to join in the meeting. But no. He didn’t utter a word. I can’t expect to invite myself there. It wouldn’t be right. For meetings like this, you have to be invited in order to join it. Unless of course you’re top management, then you can do anything you like.

I even wrote my career aspiration (in my PMS form) something related to gender inequality, just to get it off my chest. Something about I want to hold senior posts in the company, but most of them are held by men. When in fact, women are as capable, but have to prove themselves twice as much just to be in league with the men. I couldn’t believe I wrote that down. I wonder what my Management thinks of me after they read that. Oh well, I just had to get it off my chest. And what better way but during PMS time.

Gasses Today

I don’t think my tummy’s doing well today. I think I’ve got the gasses. Or gastric as we like to fondly call it. I don’t think I have been eating wrongly. I have been eating at the right time. I haven’t been skipping my meals or anything. But today, at about 10.30am or so, I felt it. The gas. My feet were also cold. It wasn’t painful, well not yet anyway (hopefully never), but it feels really uncomfortable. I thought of not buying food today because I made a sandwich this morning, but my tummy called for hot food. Broth-like food. So I went to Plaza Sentral and bought myself a bihun sup. And though it didn’t make everything alright, it did improve the discomfort in my tummy. For now.

And now I am not in any mood to do much work. Luckily the major bulk of the tasks, well this one important stuff anyway, has been done. Tomorrow’s the meeting. The paper has been done and circulated, and the presentation slides are also ok. And now, what with the discomfort in the tummy, I am not in the mood to do much of anything.

Therefore, I better stop at that. Please let the gasses dissipate.

Cow’s Legs

I received a query from a friend in my Facebook asking why my blog is now ‘bersawang’ in other words, abandoned and deserted. Yes, I have to admit that I haven’t been blogging anything. So many things have happened but so little time to actually do any updating. You see, my boss isn’t around. He went for his Hajj and has not yet returned. And basically, I have to be responsible for some of the tasks that my boss left me with. And let’s just say that now I know what he has went through since he became the Head of Department. I am not even heading the department during his absence (our tasks were distributed evenly before he left), but taking up some of the roles that he has been doing is certainly quite a headache. I had to be twice as vigilant. Twice as active and do a lot of thing just to get one work completed. Previously, all I had to do was the work. And my boss would worry about the other things. But these days, not only do I have to do the work, I also have to oversee the worrying bit. And yes, it is getting to me. And I think I need a break.

And since that dear friend has dropped a query in my Facebook, I have decided to start updating the blog again. Well, my 2010 new year’s resolution, among them is to update my blog on a weekly basis. I wonder whether I can sustain until the end of 2010. Well, we just have to see.

I have put on a lot of weight lately. Now I weigh exactly 63kg. That is a LOT for me. I’m not that tall. I never reach above 60kg unless I am pregnant. And the thing is, I am NOT pregnant. Besides, my ideal weight is around 54kg or 55kg. Needless to say, I have gained 10kg over the last goodness knows how many months!! This has caused a huge concern. I suppose my buttocks have grown bigger. Sideways… uurrgghh..!! And I have also developed a tummy. My hips are huge. And they don’t look particularly good in jeans. To make matters worse, which made me upset for weeks to come was that, Ibu said my legs look like COW’S LEGS. Imagine that? My legs look like COW’S LEGS? The nerve. Well, the statement sort of coincides with the recent Aidil Adha. There were many cows about. Aarrgghh… something has to be done about this. Her statement affected me. Though a friend of mine said, “At least she said your legs look like cow’s legs. At least it’s small at the ankles, but what if she had said that your legs are like elephant’s legs, that would be even worse. So thank God that your legs look like cow’s legs”. Well, if you put it that way, yes I prefer a cow’s leg to an elephant’s leg, but still…

So among my new year’s resolution is to loose weight. I know that it’s going to be difficult. I am a FOOD lover. I eat food. I like food. I have never been on a diet for the whole of my entire life. I never exercise as well. I guess that has to change. I still eat, but I will TRY to eat sparingly i.e. not stuff everything in my mouth like I used to. Previously, even when I eat a lot, I do not gain weight. The reason being, I was below 30 – my metabolism is still high, and I was breastfeeding (there was a lot of fat in those milk expressed. Trust me. I washed the bottles). But now I’m above 30 (not a lot mind you… slightly above the big 30.. I know, I’m still in denial about my age), my metabolism rate isn’t what it used to be. And I no longer express milk. So yeah, something has to be done about it. Apart from eating sparingly, walking isn’t a bad form of exercise, right? So yeah, I need running shoes. Hopefully that would get me motivated into doing some running after work. We will see.

Please wish me luck, ok. I need to fit back into those Levi’s jeans (though I just had a roti telur this morning.. arrgghhh..)

Patience Is A Virtue

I somewhat feel melancholic today. Though my mouth says I don’t know why, deep inside, I know exactly the reason why. But I hate to admit it. In fact, I refuse to admit it. I refuse to see it as a problem. I know that I can get through this. I have to be patient. After all, Allah loves those who are patient. He adores them. He wants to see whether we are strong enough to go through the challenges that He has laid out for us. It makes me thankful, in a way. It shows that I am in His good radar. So to speak [smile]. But, I am only human. Even the strongest of mankind fall apart for no reason. I am thankful though that my faith has taught me to be strong and accept all tests with an open mind and heart.

I try to be a good daughter. A good daughter-in-law. Most importantly a good wife, and a good mother. But somehow, these days, I just don’t know whether I can shoulder the burden of these roles. It is tiring. So many hearts to take care of. So many feelings to mind. But what about my feelings? Does anyone bother to stop and think about my feelings? They see me as this strong woman who is able to weather any bad storm. But now I’m thinking, do I want to continue to become that woman? Rationally speaking, I have to. My rightful mind tells me that I have to be strong, for the sake of the roles that I am currently playing. But I don’t know for how long I can maintain the composure. These people.. these people who rely on me… emotionally and physically, I know I can’t let them down. But I want someone to mind me too. It’s just that I can’t shout for help. The inner voice inside me is shouting like mad. But my mouth and my actions, speak none of it. I don’t look like I need help. I look very capable. And happy. Like no troubles are bothering me at all. But inside I am crying. Not getting the emotional support and the inspirational words from the people I love is really upsetting me. All I get are hurtful remarks or indifferent actions. But I can’t cry to them. I can’t. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. But I never cry in front of them. I don’t know why. I guess it boils back to me being the pillar of everything [sigh]. Yeah.. these tests are small, and it’s sad to think that I can’t even handle them. Such is life.

Ayah said to me, “Be strong and I am sure you will win everything. Hidup ni memang banyak dugaan dan kita kena pandang ke hadapan for the sake of our family, our children, ourselves, our career dan banyak lagi. Mesti tabah dan cekal”.

I love Ayah for saying that to me. And only in Allah can I share my sorrow and seek comfort.

Lost My Ring

I think the title speaks for itself. Yes.. I lost my ring. My cincin belah rotan i.e. the gold band. The one that Bie gave me before he gave me the engagement ring. It’s what the Malays called the Cincin Tanda. Aarrgghh… this is so frustrating. I went back to Seremban last weekend. And on Sunday morning, I went to visit my arwah uwan at the Makam Tn Haji Mohd Said (by the way, Sheikh Muzaffar, the astronaut, is the descendant of Tn Hj Mohd Said… just sharing a bit of info here). I usually wear both rings on my fingers. The engagement ring and the Cincin Tanda.

Iklan… just got a call from the Group Corporate Communication department. They want me to be the emcee for the jamuan hari raya in October. Company’s event. No script. I need to prepare the script myself. Malas betul lah. I mean, I’m sure there are others. I know it’s a Group’s event, but please lah. Takkan takder orang lain. UEM Group has over 10,000 employees lah. And I am also supposed to be the emcee for the Malam Anugerah Kumpulan UEM. At least there’s a script for me to read from. But for the jamuan hari raya, NONE. Looks like I have to prepare it myself. Last year, we called Adibah Noor and Salih Yacob as the emcees. The artistes’ line up was kind of cool as well. But this year, the new MD/CEO wants something less flamboyant and something less pricey as well. So we’re doing it at our office. At the ballroom downstairs. Oh well… mental note: Remember to seek for tokens. Nothing is free, ok.

Anyway, about the ring. Guess who made the ring ‘disappear’? Muhammad Raqib. He played with both rings actually. I always placed them on top of the side table. He has never played with them. Well, he has but VERY rare. Well, last Sunday, he played with them when he woke up. Bie realized it and took it from him. I wasn’t around as I was at the makam. But what Bie didn’t realize was that he played with TWO rings. Bie only recovered the engagement ring.

When I wanted to wear them later that night, I noticed that only my engagement ring was on top of the side table. Now where did my Cincin Tanda go to? I looked everywhere for it. And because it was already night, I had difficulty looking for the ring under the bed (mental note: Need to CLEAN all dusts under the bed). I was so sad. I hope Raqib just played with it when he was inside the room. I hope he didn’t take it outside. Ibu promised to look for it as I had to return home. So yeah.. as at to date, still no news of the missing ring. Please, please pray that the ring will be found. It’s too precious. It’s just a simple gold ring, but it is MY Cincin Tanda. Aarrgghh.. tension jugaklah dengan Muhammad Raqib nie. But that’s another story.

Cooking During Ramadhan

Since my parents are at home coz they wanted to visit my brother who is still in Tawakkal, yesterday I had to cook more than usual. My basic dishes are three. But coz my parents are around, I added another dish yesterday. So I ended up cooking Ikan Tenggiri Masak Lemak Cili Api, Mixed Vegetables, Sotong Kicap and Sausage Sambal Ikan Bilis (own receipe). Bie bought some popia basah and tauhu bakar. Ayah was on his way back from the university. I told him not to buy anything because I am cooking. Though he promised that he wouldn’t, when he came back late yesterday afternoon, he bought two other dishes i.e. Lala Berlada and Sup Daging. He also bought Roti John and two packets of bihun goreng. So yeah, end up, we had a LOT of foods to eat. And since my dinner table is one of those roundy types and quite small, we barely had spaces to put our plates..!!

Ayah is like that. He likes to buy a LOT of food during Ramadhan. Ibu is tired of arguing with him. After all Ayah keeps on still buying a lot of food. I am ok if he wants to buy Murtabak, Roti John and all that, but lauk-lauk? Hhmm.. but then, though I always tell him not to buy a lot of food. It’s a waste and all that, and that it’s Ramadhan, so we should actually be spending less and try to be less gluttony, I have ALWAYS enjoyed that habit of his, because it only occurs during Ramadhan. If I wasn’t breaking fast at my parents, Bie and I would talk about how Ayah likes to spend on a lot of food and that he doesn’t eat much of what he has bought anyway. We would somehow know the type of food that he would buy. Among them are Roti John, Murtabak, Siput Sedut Masak Lemak Cili Api, curry puffs, kuih apam, tepung pelita, etc, etc. He just loves to. He buys them because he said that he doesn’t buy them for himself, but for his family. He wants his family to eat. Well, that’s his reason. For actual fact, he just can’t resist the temptation of the foods being displayed on the tables in the Bazaar Ramadhan.

And because of too much food yesterday, I am thinking of cooking something simple tonight. Maggee goreng, with chicken burger. How does that sound? I know it doesn’t really complement one another, but once they’re in the stomach, they still get processed the same way… and come out the same!! Hehehehe.. talk about being gross during the holy month of Ramadhan. Sorry about that. But yeah, maggee goreng sounds like a great plan. I am definitely going to do that.

Sleepy

It has been a nice Ramadhan for me, so far. My ‘best friend’ has not visited me yet. So I think I should be able to fast for at least two more weeks, hopefully. And I just got back to work today. I was on leave yesterday. I didn’t do anything. I just stayed at home with the family. Marsya isn’t around as she is at Maksu’s (once in a while, she would tell me that she missed Maksu and wished to go there for a couple of days), so I have Raqib all to myself. And it was nice. I love staying home with him. It is so nice to see his smiling face in the morning. I love it when he walked out of the bedroom, saw me in the living room, and walked straight into my arms, hugging me. The feeling is amazing. It made me wonder why I don’t stay home more often. I mean, take leave and just stay at home… [sigh].. the plight of a working mother.

And now I am terribly sleepy. I only had 3 and a half hour of sleep last night. My brother, Ayin, was admitted to Tawakkal yesterday. His toe didn’t seem to be recovering very well since he kicked my other brother in the shin during a futsal game. And that was months ago. Apparently, its recovery is sort off and on. And to make matters worse, his not-so-good toe is now infected with bacteria causing his gland to engorge. And if not treated, the bacteria are going to enter into his blood system causing more damage, which can be hazardous. I was so worried. I only learnt about it at 5pm, and I had made plans to break fast at my in-laws. So, I could only reach Tawakkal after I break fast.

At 8pm, I left Raqib at my in-laws with the maid and rushed to Tawakkal. Luckily the hospital was quite near. No one was at the hospital with him. Ayah had already left with Ayin’s wife to fetch their son, so he was alone. When I opened the door to his room, and he was walking obviously in pain, my heart reached out for him. He is after all my brother. No matter that he’s 30 years old, and has his own family. As a sister, I saw passed all that. I helped him to his bed, and started to ‘mother’ him. I helped him change his pants, called on the nurse to clean the water leakage in his room, and asked the nurse LOTS of questions so that I know what sort of illness we were facing. Ibu, Ayah and his wife will only visit him the next day. His wife was sending their son back to Bentong with her mother, so that she could stay in the hospital with him, and take care of him.

I left the hospital at 12am. I went to my in-laws to fetch Raqib and the maid, and reached home at about 12.30am. Raqib had woken up. And after 3 hours of sleep, he was a bit refreshed to do stuff. So, it took quite sometime to coax him into going back to sleep. But when he finally did, it was already past 1am. I managed to sleep for a few hours until I heard my alarm rang indicating that it was 4.30am, to wake up for sahur. And I haven’t been asleep since then.

Now, I am VERY sleepy. My eyelids are drooping, and I am yawning like… a lot. I really can’t wait to go back early today. If I could only have a nap for about 10 to 15 minutes, I think it would do wonders to my body. We’ll see how.

My Sisters.. My Friends

I reached the office quite early today. I was in a chirpy mood because I saw that in the LRT this morning, I wasn’t the only with the mask. There was another lady wearing a mask, except that she was also wearing similar clothes like mine. Cream pants, and cream top, with light brown tudung. Talk about déjà vu. It was just so weird. Anyway, yes.. I wear the mask in the LRT these days. I think it is my responsible to do so. After all, my son isn’t that well, so I can’t be selfish, right. Yes it attracted people to look at me, but, who cares. At least I know that I am doing the right thing.

Anyway, I got to the office. Switched on my PC, and immediately opened the email. I saw an email from a friend, with bright pink writings saying that she wanted to cry. I was a bit taken aback. I mean, ok.. what’s going on. What are you talking about? Then I caught another email at the bottom. A very long one, the writing was blue. Hhmm.. Interesting. Who could this be? I scrolled down. It was Pah.

She wrote a heart-warming email, about each one of us Gurls, and how each of us meant to her. She was obviously in a heart-to-heart mood. Now, these days, it is quite rare to get long emails from Pah. She is VERY busy and I suppose I can understand if we don’t receive long emails from her as often before. But then, everyone’s busy. Oh well. This is what she wrote of me.

“Ja... hmm. Aku tulis nama kau pun cam air mata dah bergenang lol. Camne? I love you girl. We have known each other for so long. I think when I first met you at school, I never thought we would be such good friends. Seriously. You were this (and still is by the way) this posh girl, speaking with (then) unidentified accent (which later i discovered so british lol). With you I can certainly say we have gone through so many phases of friendships, tested, heartache and somehow Allah has kept us together close despite all the challenges. I am thinking how can I miss you when I have just recently met you and spent hours together, but I do!”

For each description given to each Gurl, I smiled to myself. I can totally relate to the incidences that she talked about. It was like as if I know them by heart. She talked about Min, being ‘anak orang kaya yang sombong’, roughly translated, arrogant daughter of a rich man, which is quite funny really because, yes Min seemed arrogant before, but that was because she didn’t know us (once she got to know us, we just couldn’t loose her. She was always there.. hehehehe). And yes, she was MUCH better than the rest of us, having gone to the UK, sponsored by her family, whereas we were sponsored by JPA, and were poor most of the times, laden with debt. But I felt truly blessed to know her, and to be her friend. Yes, I love her very much and treasure every single moment of my friendship with her. She can be a pain, oh God.. yes she can. But somehow, I can absorb those painstaking moments and see pass all that.

I don’t know about Yamm ruffling my hair (she seemed to do that to Pah a lot). Hhmm… I don’t think she’s ever done that to me. But then, I have always been the proud one. And not bothered with all these touches, or manja-manja. But, the moment I remember about Yamm was her generosity in sharing with me her bed whenever I slept over at her house in Dilston Road. And I always seemed to remember how smart she was. This girl, I tell you, has brains. She always seemed to be helping me to understand a lot of things. I was a bit thick, you see. Hehehehe..

I have always seen Izan as the manja one, soft and kind-hearted. And I have also shared her sorrow back then. We were on the bus, on the way to school. She was crying. She just lost her brother. It was a sad moment for us all. I remember we held a Yassin recitation for her brother at my house in Dilston Road, and after that, we watched Bed of Roses on the sky channel. It was nice.

I totally agree with Pah on her views of Murni being very thoughtful. She always seemed to be the considerate one. Always remembering birthdays. I have to admit that I am not that at all but of course it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I do, it’s just that my way of showing it is a little different, that’s all. And I will never forget Murni’s delivery of that brown sauce which I craved for so much during my pregnancy with Marsya. It was way cool.

Leeya… I have to admit that I didn’t know Leeya so much because we were never in the same class. We also don’t hang out much during college years. So I can’t say much about her during those days. But when I stayed with her, I began to notice little things about her. She had these moods. So when she was into one of her not-so-good moods, I would stay away from her. But when she was in her good moods, she was such a fun person to be with. She would laugh, make fun of you, joke with you and just practically laugh out loud with you. Yeah.. in a way, I miss her too. It’s too bad that she doesn’t stay in KL, otherwise I think it’d be cool to have her around. But I know that she will always be accessible online.

My memory of Noha is rather different. I would always see her as a girl who knew that my Bie (well, at that time, he was just one of the boys, no one special to me) was interested in me. Apparently, she knew, but she didn’t say anything to me. She could really keep a secret. And I still remember her face, smiling from ear to ear when I told her that Bie was coming over because he had something to tell me. We were supposed to have a dance practice that evening for the Malaysian Night, but it was cancelled. So she sort of came over to tell me, or was it to confirm with me. I can’t remember. But when Bie rang the bell, she told me that she sort of knew what he wanted to say. So she ran down the stairs, grinned at Bie and said hi, and left. Yeah.. that was that. Hehehehe.. funny. Of course there were others. After all, she stayed with Min at Dilston Road and I happened to be a frequent visitor.

Zha was like this big sister I never had. Always serious and not as silly as I was back then. Hehehe.. and Makcik, gosh.. I totally agree with Pah. She’s like an onion. You have to pill her skin one layer at a time to discover that she is actually this wonderful person inside. Marsya takes a liking in her so much. Always saying, Aunty Mas, Aunty Mas, and Aunty Mas. Penat aku layan. I think it’s because Makcik put on a bit of lipstick on her lips during Min’s engagement last year. Or was it earlier than that? I don’t know, but my daughter is smitten by her. She’s really great. Vogue yet conservative. That’s Makcik for you.

Finally.. Pah.. [sigh].. she is this most amazing woman who is so passionate about everything be it something she does, or something that she has an opinion of. I don’t know what I would do if she suddenly stopped being my friend, which I hope is NEVER. She is just someone that I want to be around with, hopefully until I grow old and die. Yes we don’t see each other often. But when we do, oh gosh.. I treasure every minute of it. I know that if I have a problem, I can just go up to her and cry my heart out and she didn’t even have to say a thing, but somehow or rather, I am comforted by the silence. Do you know what I mean? It has happened before. And yes, Allah has tested my friendship with her countless times. I remember this awkward moment when we had this stupid fight while we were in Newcastle. For the life of me, I can’t even remember what the fight was about. We also had another stupid argument when we were back in Malaysia. That affected me very much. I was just so sad with it. Biasalah, me and my big mouth, saying things which I shouldn’t have said. Till to this day, I never utter the word in front of her. I was really afraid that we wouldn’t be friends anymore after that incident. Or, even if we were, we wouldn’t be as close. Man, I was so glad that I was wrong. Our friendship remained strong, till today. Amazing isn’t it, how one lady can create an impact on your life. Hhmm..

So yes, the Gurls make an awful lot of difference in my life, and I can’t thank Allah enough for giving them to me. And yes, I love all of them to the max. They will always be in my heart. Insya Allah, forever…

I am SO Bloody MAD..!!

I have prepared the standard template, but no, it wasn’t accepted because his staff wouldn’t know how to fill it in. I have done it as detailed as possible. Come on. Give me a break. Ingat aku ni apa? Sampai bila nak spoon feed jer. I have spent half of the morning, sorting this thing out and cracking it, and now you tell me it’s wrong. BS lah..!! Take a look at the whole thing first then come back with your comments. Don’t just look at the first two items then you feel that you can conclude the rest. BS lah. Sakit jiwa betul lah aku. Seriously. My head is aching because I am pissed off. I’ve got wrinkles all over my forehead now. How the hell would I know which subsidiary they would use to help us construct the bloody thing. This is something that is not known yet. So that’s why I put it general first. Takkan itu pun staff dia tak tau. Come on lah. Give them some credit. If that company happens to be a subsidiary, then letak jerlah nama company tu. Takkan tu pun tak boleh pikir..!! Sakit nya hati aku.

I nearly shouted at him, but I controlled my temper. I am fasting today. Wouldn’t want to ruin my fasting pahala for nothing (though I think it is affected already). Instead, I walked away from him and told him that I’ll only see him when I am cooler. Bengang betul lah. Macamana aku tak stress. I guess he knows I’m mad. Well, I am mad too. And at this point in time, I am just so MAD. Really mad. I mean, come on. Nak aku buat apa? Lay out a fancy carpet for his staff to walk on? Sampai biler? I am not going to be that idiot.

I couldn’t even look at this face just now. I was just so mad. Ya Allah.. berikanlah kesabaran dan ketenangan pada hambuMu yang tengah marah nie. AMIN.

Just Sharing Intimate Moments

I think I haven't uploaded any picture for such a long time. And since it's not 9am yet, I thought, why don't I?

That's Ayah with all his cucu. Marsya, Haraz and Raqib

That's my Acik, Cuz Farah and Ibu, at Farah's akad nikah

That's nearly the whole brood. Pak Tam's family's not there. Along Iril also not there. Hhmm.. in fact, I think we still have quite a few not in the picture

Raqib with his car toy present

Marsya with her presents

Break from hospital. Raqib was admitted for asthma and secondary pneumonia

We decided to take him home for a while because he was bored at the hospital

Marsya in her school uniform. Like a tadika in Acheh

Maid Issues

I have a maid. Her name is Aini. She has been with me for a year. She’s not exactly the best cleaner in town, as she only cleans what she sees. But when she is proactive, I will compliment her because I think she truly deserves it. She is 29 years old and has two kids aged 5 and 7. Her family is in Lombok. She has a sister in JB who recently got married to another Indonesian also residing in Malaysia.

Though she’s not the perfect cleaner, at least my house is in order now. My bathroom is clean, the floor is swept and mopped and my clothes are being taken care of (which was something I was bad at before I had her. Clean clothes were only folded and put away in the cupboard on weekends. What to do? I sent my kids to PJ everyday and got back late at night). But most importantly, she takes really good care of the kids. She especially adores Raqib. I guess she took care of him since he was a baby (well, when Raqib was about 10 months or so). And Marsya is also ok with her. So, I don’t see much issue there. As long as she is warm to the kids, I am fine. Furthermore, she is the type that does not talk much. She will only talk to me, when I speak to her first. Then we would have decent conversations about her kids, her husband, her sister, etc, etc. I guess she was afraid to start first because my mood isn’t exactly predictable especially after a hard day at work. And I appreciate that.

Though her sister is in Malaysia, I have never given her any leave. Her sister has been prompting her to get a day off so that Aini can go visit her in JB, and Aini has been relaying it to me, but I never really took action. I have never allowed it. Not directly, but indirectly I suppose Aini knows. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just fear about everything if I let her go. What if she learns things which she’s not supposed to? What if her sister is a bad influence on her because from the way that she talks about her sister, I wouldn’t exactly want her sister to be my maid. But then, I am also not a cruel person. I mean, put myself in her shoes. If my sister or brother is near me, together in a foreign country, I would want to visit her or him. So I don’t really blame her for wanting to visit her sister. The only thing that is drawing her back is her fear to go to JB alone, you know like taking public transportation and all. Basically fear of the unknown. I guess I could teach her how to get on the public transport but I don’t want it to be a norm. What if she suddenly leaves the house and never come back? What will happen to my kids? See, these are the things that I fear. I guess, I am also afraid of the unknown. I think I can trust her, but a sensible part of me tells me not to be too trusting. So, that’s why I have never taken it seriously whenever she tells me that her sister wants her to visit.

Furthermore, I am not the type of employer that leaves her in the house whenever I go out. I always bring her out with me. Shopping complexes, weddings, gathering with friends, dinner outside, and so forth. So I don’t think I am being cruel to her. Not to mention that I will buy her personal stuff without deducting her salary. I don’t mind paying them. I am not the calculative type.

So when suddenly the Indonesian Manpower and Trans-migration Minister Erman Suparno said that Indonesia is withdrawing all maids from Indonesia, I was a little pissed off. And that’s not all. He also mentioned about the day off and seeking for the maids to hold their own passports. He also wants salary revision. This man is just asking for so much. Yeah I can understand his concerns, but he is basing all these on two very remote cases. And the way that the media is highlighting them like mad, really makes me angry. I mean, what about those issues about maids running away the minute we renew their permits? They don’t come cheap. And for working moms like me, I despise that. We work to get them to come is, and then they just run off. And the best part is that, we don’t get compensated for it. All costs burnt down the drain. And don’t get me started on maids getting pregnant or hitting on our husbands, or bringing people home and doing it in our bedroom. And what about those that use black magic? Putting unknown substances in our food? Oh yes, I have heard such horrifying stories before and believe me, I am really scared. Aini seems to be ok, but you never know right. But of course I am glad that I have her. Like I said, she isn’t exactly perfect, but she does help and most importantly, she is good with the kids.

I do worry about this new proposal by Minister Erman Suparno. Yes this thing has yet to be tabled at the Parliament, but I hope our government is also looking at protecting our rights, the employer. Those who are lucky to get good maids, well, good for them. But those that didn’t?

[Sigh…] This is a very sensitive issue right now. I have asked Aini though whether she wanted to take a day off. She said even if she does takes a day off, where would she go to. She doesn’t have any relative in KL. And her sister’s in JB. Well that’s what she said. But what does she really feel in her heart. Even I don’t know.

Happy Monday Everyone

Considering that I was tired yesterday, surprisingly today, I am quite in a chirpy mood. Weird, eh? Yesterday, the minute I opened my eyes, I went to Carrefour, bought a lot of groceries to last me hopefully a week or a week and a half, and took about an hour and a half to stock up all the foodstocks purchased. The prawns, squids, fishes and chickens, needed to be sorted out. Luckily I had the maid to help out. Or else, I don’t think I’d be able to do it.

After that, I dressed up and left for Sri Hartamas coz CT am was having an Aqiqah kenduri for her second boy, Ammar, who was so cute by the way, dressed up in a sailor suit. I ate a lot (ok, what else is new?) and met many old friends like dear Meeha, Manal, Suzie, Hawa. The house itself was really nice. I like Kensington Park. It sounds very posh (like the house in Peter Pan.. Wendy lives in Kensington Garden) and it looks very good too. Gated and guarded. Very nice indeed. Anyway, we left at about 5-ish, and headed straight to Alpha Angle to cut Raqib’s hair. Yes, he virtually has no hair now. Well, very little. But I like it. I hope the new hair that comes out is even better.

Then, we went home and after Maghrib, we went back out, this time, just me and Bie and headed towards USJ because Bie wanted to see someone about work. And that someone happens to be a husband of a dear friend, Farah, whose mother happens to open an eating place there (in front of Taylor’s College) selling all types of Thai cuisines. Her mother’s Thai. And, I ate there too. The Tom Yam is really nice. Spicy and hot. Bie had the Green Curry Chicken with rice. Also very spicy. After that we had the appetizer (I know.. terbalik. Main meal first, and then the appetizer). I can’t remember the name. Meng Khaim or something. Basically daun kaduk with peanuts, fried coconut and sauce. I was really full when I got back. Anyway, we hung out until 11.20pm. And reached the house only at about 12 am. So one can only imagine how tiring it was. Luckily the kids were all asleep.

And that wasn’t all. I didn’t immediately go to sleep. After prayers, I made coffee for both Bie and myself. And watched TV until about 2am. It was a quiet moment for us. The kids were asleep; we had the TV for ourselves. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to watch it because the kids would be watching cartoons all the time. Power Puff Girls, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Elmo’s World, Tom & Jerry, you name it. They watch it. So yeah, it was peaceful time for us. So we watched Video Scope on VH1. They were paying a tribute to Michael Jakcson. I honestly don’t understand what the tribute is all about. When he was alive, people were scorning him, talking bad about his appearances, his outrageous and weird antics, and who could forget the allegations that were made against him. But when he is gone, people pay tributes for him, and suddenly everyone wants to give eulogies. I mean, how hypocritical is that? I pity MJ. I just wish that he rests in peace, wherever he is. He has gone to meet his Maker. We should be praying for him. Hmm.. let’s hope that he’ll be ok. Anyway, I even managed to see Federer won against Roddick. My heart went to Roddick (or whatever his name is.. I am NOT a fan of tennis, and I DON’T watch the game. But Bie wanted to see who would win, and luckily we managed to see it end, after 4 hours of game.. penat kan. I mean, 4 hours.. gosh, I wouldn’t last 15 minutes). Anyway, this Roddick guy was VERY emotional. He was crying. His nose was red. Federer was all beaming with happiness. Hhmm.. pity the poor fella. The other fella, I mean.

So yeah, I slept at 2am. And at 6.30pm, I was already awake, ready to go to work. So just imagine, 4 and a half hours of sleep, and I am chirpy this morning. Weird, eh??

So Not In The Mood Today

I think the title speaks for itself. I am so not in the mood today. I don’t know why. I am probably tired. I went to Penang last weekend (which I enjoyed tremendously) and the last two days, I was busy with Invest Malaysia 2009 at Shangri-La KL. Biasalah.. macai kan. My feet hurt like mad because I took the lrt. I mean, I had to walk from Dang Wangi to Shangri-La and after that, walked to KLCC from Shangri-La because the roads were jammed. I felt alright walking because I was wearing my boots. But yesterday, gosshh.. I was wearing my new black shoes (which I got from KLCC the day before) and I had to walk to the Dang Wangi lrt station. Imagine.. new shoes, high heels, pointed in front. Aarrgghh… the price you pay to look good!! When I got back yesterday, I was just so exhausted that I slept from 6.30pm to 7.30pm. I couldn’t wake up. I was just too tired.

And today, I look very selebet. Heck, I FEEL selebet. What with a few papers to review, which needs to be done on an urgent basis because the Board’s meeting next week.. arrggh.. I want to go back to Penang..!! I am so not up for this.

Furthermore, Lin wants to meet up after work at KLCC today. She wanted to give the baby’s present to Akmal and Nad which is LONG overdue. I think their baby is 6 months already. Or is it, 7 months. Suddenly I feel like a terrible friend. Nad has delivered for quite a while now, but I have never had the chance to see the baby. Malas sungguh. Tak senonoh kan. And today, Lin said, it’s now or never. But I suddenly feel very malas. Today is definitely not the day. I just want to go home, and go to sleep.

I think it’s this terrible itchiness I have on my skin. When it breaks out, it’s so ITCHY.. I can’t stand it. Then I’ll have big read blobs on my thigh, or my neck, or my tummy. It’s just so irritating. I just feel like dipping myself in very hot water so that all the itchiness will go away. I am definitely going to the doctor’s tonight. I need to get myself a pill or something to make the itchiness go away. Whatever the doctor is going to prescribe, I am definitely going to eat it. I do have allergies to beef and meat, but at this age and time, I seemed to have outgrown the allergy. But lately, it’s been coming back. And I haven’t even been taking beef or meat. I have been eating a lot of seafood though (prawns and squids, mostly). Don’t tell me I am not allergic to seafood. It can’t be. Well, whatever it is, I don’t like the itchiness. Gatal sangat. Tak tahan.

Arrgghh… I need something to cure my mood today. But I don’t know what. Chocolate? Ice-cream? Sleep?

Penat lah.

When The Moon Split

I have just finished reading this beautiful book (it took me quite a number of weeks to finish it, after all, I could only read them while I was in the LRT heading for work. Reading at home is a bit difficult especially if you have two young kids who constantly interfere with your concentration). And I felt really sad, or was it happiness. I don’t know. But they’re mixed feelings. I don’t really know how to describe the feelings. But all I know is that, I do have tears brimming at the corner of my eyes.

I have never made a point to read about Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Yes I know about him, but through articles, the very limited reading materials that I have, and in stories that people tell, and of course during school. I have never read a full blown story about him from the day that he was born until he passed away on the 12th Rabi’ Al-Awwal, 11 AH. I have never really understood all the wars that he went through to protect Islam, and how deep the love of his Companions were towards him. The things that the pagans Quraysh did to him and his followers were just too much. They stoned him, refuse to trade with the Moslems in order to drive them to hunger (many died out of hunger during this period), place large rocks on top of some of the Moslems, tried to assassinate the Prophet (SAW), and continued to taunt him endlessly, Yes I had to learn these stories during school, but I never really understood it. I only learnt in school as it was part of what we have to learn in school.

Everytime Moslems throughout the world celebrate Maulidur Rasul, I am happy as well. After all, it’s a public holiday and I love public holidays. Now, it is with shame, I have to admit that I have never really understood the celebration to rejoice the birth of Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Without him, goodness knows what would have happened to us. He taught us a lot of thing. He brought us Islam. It’s a shame that we did not live in the same period that he lived in. I would have loved to see him. Be near him, or just stand wherever he had stood. The things he did for us were just indescribable.

He was human, just like the rest of us. He ate, he drank, he loved his wives and children, and he was always surrounded by his close friends, whom we came to call his Companions. His father died before he was born, and his mother died when he was six years old. When he was eight years old, his grandfather died, leaving him under the care of his uncle. Notice how those who were close to him died even before him. All his children except for Fatimah died before him (she died 6 months after his death). I never really cared much about his life, well, not as much as I care about it now. After reading When The Moon Split, my perception has changed. I see it now in a different perspective, and like I said earlier, I regret for not celebrating Maulidur Rasul in a way that a true Moslem does. How shallow was I?

So yes, I love the book. And I love the description and the stories the biography detailed out. Let’s pray to Allah to bless the Prophet (SAW), his family, his Companions, and may Allah grant us a place under the Prophet’s standard on the Day of Judgement. Ameen.

Raqib Turned Two

It was my Raqib’s birthday yesterday. He turned two. We did a short celebration for him at my parents’ house in Seremban. Of course Marysa was the princess of the day. She insisted on a Barbie and Power Puff Girls’ cake, which so didn’t happen. It was her brother’s birthday, not hers. Of course she couldn’t care less about that. Whenever there is a cake, and there also happen to be candles, that cake is hers. Well, that’s my daughter for you. By the way, she bumped her head on the floor coz she slipped and fell. The bump was huge and red. I was really worried and wanted to have a look at it, but she refused to let me see it. She didn’t want any ointment on it. She wanted baby’s powder. I know I shouldn’t have taught her to put powder on anything. My mistake. But she didn’t vomit or anything, so I guess I shouldn’t be worried too much.

Anyway, about the birthday celebration first, both Marsya and Raqib received presents (yeah, I know.. it’s not even Marsya’s birthday but she received two presents, courtesy of Ayah and Ayin – my brother). It was wonderful seeing the expressions on their faces when they received their presents. Raqib’s was priceless. He was going, “Waaahhh…” all the time. It was cute. Ok, I know.. a bit biased here, he’s my son.

Will share some pictures soon.

Sad News Indeed

I was on the way to work this morning, waiting for the LRT to be exact, at Terminal Putra when I received a call. Since I didn’t have the number in my address book (thanks to Raqib), I didn’t know who it was. The caller told me that her daughter has passed away and asked me to spread the news. I was a little surprised. I didn’t know who this person was. How could I spread the news? So reluctantly, I asked the caller’s name, and was quite surprised to know that she is actually quite a close friend. The minute she told me who she was, I immediately knew which daughter she was talking about. And after that, I was TRULY shocked.

Little Alya was adorable. She spoke really good English. The first time I laid eyes on her, I found her quite fascinating. Her curly hair, dreamy eyes, and soft brown skin were not of those her mother’s. In fact, she didn’t look like her mother at all. She inherited her looks from her father.

I nearly broke down in the LRT. But because there were so many people, I controlled myself. She had pneumonia and virus infections. She was admitted into the hospital on Sunday, but passed away on Tuesday. It was really hard for me to take. My friend however appeared very calm. She didn’t cry, but I did hear sadness in her voice. Alya was her eldest. The younger was a boy.

We hung up, and I was really fighting for self-control. My son, Raqib, was recently admitted to the hospital for asthma and secondary pneumonia. Luckily for us, he was alright. He’s asthmatic now, but at least he’s ok. I just have to monitor his medication. The day that he was admitted, he was very sick. He looked like he was fading away from me. He wouldn’t eat, and wouldn’t sleep. He didn’t even want any of my breast milk. I was so sad. And I fought the urge to cry in front of him. I prayed to Allah to make him better. I couldn’t bear to see him like that. He just lay on the sofa. Even his voice couldn’t be heard. Whenever he called for me, his voice sounded so faint. That night, when we went to the hospital, he was immediately on the drip. We stayed at the hospital for three days. He has recovered from his pneumonia but he is now asthmatic.

I feel for Asfa. Who wouldn’t? She has just lost her daughter. It is not an easy thing to endure. When she came to my wedding, she was pregnant with Alya. After that, she experienced giving birth to Alya. She was there when she was sick, when she was happy, when she learnt to step on her own two feet, and when she spoke her first words.

Allah loves her more.

I pray that Allah too gives Asfa the strength that she needs to continue her life. Al-Fatihah.

The Secret Keeper

Sometimes I wonder whether I have a face of a person who can actually keep secrets. Well, I’m not saying that I’m perfect that I am really good at keeping secrets, after all I’m only human, but people are somehow drawn into telling me their most inner secrets. Sometimes, they don’t really say that it’s a secret, but the things they tell me makes me obligated not to tell any other person. I don’t know why. I guess it’s the stories told. Or the way that the stories are told. I don’t know. But somehow or rather, I am obliged to keep them as secrets.

You’d be amazed at the many things that people tell me. I don’t even coax it out of them. They just tell me because they simply want to share the stories with me. The first time a virginity is lost, molest stories, seduction stories, backstabbing stories, etc, etc. It’s just weird that they would actually want to share them with me. Not that I mind, for I so do not mind it, but it does makes me wonder. Is it because of my face? Do I look like a counselor? A psychiatrist even? Well I do know that I had wanted to take up Psychology at college, but Ayah opposed of it. Ayah said that I wouldn’t know what to do with such a degree and that it was just not worthwhile. So I took up the normal Business degree. But looking back, I think I would have made a lot of money if I had taken up Psychology, if of course I am based overseas, especially the US because there seems to be a lot of troubled people there. Better still, Hollywood. I think I’d be cool and I’d have many celebrity patients. Hehehe.. what am I thinking.

Back to the main issue, for now, I will just listen wherever necessary. People tell, I listen. People seek advice or opinions, I give. It’s as simple as that. I feel like ‘Dear Ms Mel’ though, but at times only. Other than that, I enjoy listening to their stories. It opens up the person to a whole new side which I never know existed.

Nemo or Gamat

My Hommies and I were talking during lunch about Nemo and Gamat.

Nemo being characteristics of a man who seems harmless enough but is actually flirtatious and easily falls for a woman IF the woman tries her charms on him. Who look innocent and also a family-loving man, but if given the opportunity, will actually do the impossible that even the wife herself would not believe. In other words, dia ni cepat perasan lah jugak.

Gamat is seen as a man, who is flirtatious, enjoys life and the company of good-looking women, but when an opportunity arises, he is not bothered with it, and end up doing other things which is totally the opposite of that particular opportunity. He is not easily charmed by a woman’s appeal, though he enjoys the moment spent with her. But there are always boundaries. And the Gamat type of man knows that. So he never oversteps the boundary. He knows that it’s not healthy.

It is difficult to actually identify whether the man is a Nemo or a Gamat. I know certain man who enjoys harmless flirts, but by the end of the day, it’s just about having fun. They don’t think about it. They don’t dwell on it. And the next day when he comes across similar opportunities, he just knows how to control himself.

But a man will always be a man. Even how strong a man is, if the temptation is just too hard for him to overcome, he might just fall, right? Or get side-tracked, even for a bit. I don’t know. It’s difficult to find a man who does not fall into the seductive trappings of a sexy woman. Especially if it is the woman herself who conjures up the plans and traps for him. A woman who is a Master in the art of seduction. I suppose, even how hard he controls himself, at one point or another, he might let himself ago. I guess it always boils back to faith. So if one experiences internal conflict, one should always refer to Him. It’s the only way.

Whatever it is, I enjoy the company of both Nemo and Gamat. Both are different and attractive in their own ways. And I am not bashful to admit that (which is something I shouldn’t be admitting to). Bukan admitted to having flings or affairs with them, ok. God forbids, minta dijauhkan … more towards having a good time with them. Kawan-kawan only, what. Besides, I know who I am. These Nemos and Gamats VERY rarely look at me as a potential ‘sexy woman’ who likes to trap and charm men. I am neither that. Trust me. But, I am ATTRACTIVE…!! Hehehehe… [that’s me, being perasan].

Now back to work.. [sigh]…