I somewhat feel melancholic today. Though my mouth says I don’t know why, deep inside, I know exactly the reason why. But I hate to admit it. In fact, I refuse to admit it. I refuse to see it as a problem. I know that I can get through this. I have to be patient. After all, Allah loves those who are patient. He adores them. He wants to see whether we are strong enough to go through the challenges that He has laid out for us. It makes me thankful, in a way. It shows that I am in His good radar. So to speak [smile]. But, I am only human. Even the strongest of mankind fall apart for no reason. I am thankful though that my faith has taught me to be strong and accept all tests with an open mind and heart.
I try to be a good daughter. A good daughter-in-law. Most importantly a good wife, and a good mother. But somehow, these days, I just don’t know whether I can shoulder the burden of these roles. It is tiring. So many hearts to take care of. So many feelings to mind. But what about my feelings? Does anyone bother to stop and think about my feelings? They see me as this strong woman who is able to weather any bad storm. But now I’m thinking, do I want to continue to become that woman? Rationally speaking, I have to. My rightful mind tells me that I have to be strong, for the sake of the roles that I am currently playing. But I don’t know for how long I can maintain the composure. These people.. these people who rely on me… emotionally and physically, I know I can’t let them down. But I want someone to mind me too. It’s just that I can’t shout for help. The inner voice inside me is shouting like mad. But my mouth and my actions, speak none of it. I don’t look like I need help. I look very capable. And happy. Like no troubles are bothering me at all. But inside I am crying. Not getting the emotional support and the inspirational words from the people I love is really upsetting me. All I get are hurtful remarks or indifferent actions. But I can’t cry to them. I can’t. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. But I never cry in front of them. I don’t know why. I guess it boils back to me being the pillar of everything [sigh]. Yeah.. these tests are small, and it’s sad to think that I can’t even handle them. Such is life.
Ayah said to me, “Be strong and I am sure you will win everything. Hidup ni memang banyak dugaan dan kita kena pandang ke hadapan for the sake of our family, our children, ourselves, our career dan banyak lagi. Mesti tabah dan cekal”.
I love Ayah for saying that to me. And only in Allah can I share my sorrow and seek comfort.
I try to be a good daughter. A good daughter-in-law. Most importantly a good wife, and a good mother. But somehow, these days, I just don’t know whether I can shoulder the burden of these roles. It is tiring. So many hearts to take care of. So many feelings to mind. But what about my feelings? Does anyone bother to stop and think about my feelings? They see me as this strong woman who is able to weather any bad storm. But now I’m thinking, do I want to continue to become that woman? Rationally speaking, I have to. My rightful mind tells me that I have to be strong, for the sake of the roles that I am currently playing. But I don’t know for how long I can maintain the composure. These people.. these people who rely on me… emotionally and physically, I know I can’t let them down. But I want someone to mind me too. It’s just that I can’t shout for help. The inner voice inside me is shouting like mad. But my mouth and my actions, speak none of it. I don’t look like I need help. I look very capable. And happy. Like no troubles are bothering me at all. But inside I am crying. Not getting the emotional support and the inspirational words from the people I love is really upsetting me. All I get are hurtful remarks or indifferent actions. But I can’t cry to them. I can’t. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. But I never cry in front of them. I don’t know why. I guess it boils back to me being the pillar of everything [sigh]. Yeah.. these tests are small, and it’s sad to think that I can’t even handle them. Such is life.
Ayah said to me, “Be strong and I am sure you will win everything. Hidup ni memang banyak dugaan dan kita kena pandang ke hadapan for the sake of our family, our children, ourselves, our career dan banyak lagi. Mesti tabah dan cekal”.
I love Ayah for saying that to me. And only in Allah can I share my sorrow and seek comfort.
2 comments:
Maybe you can share with them feelings. Not the rationales, the reasons - just your feelings. Maybe they will see how hurting you are?
A lot of maybes - life is full of uncertainties...
Love you lots. Seek His guidance, seek His love, inshaAllah you will be okay.
((Hugs))
I too but gladly masking it and licking up any wound since i moved out and living by myself. I guess my house has been my secret haven away from feeling lonely or if i wasnt that matter at all except during certain occasions. But somehow I did matter to many people amazingly. People DO search for me, or come and seek me and things like that. Its just that i think i love my own space , my own corner, my own sanctum. And I learnt how to be very social/friendly and how also to remain a mystery without being a weirdo. And I also learnt so many things on the difference of having a charismatic/a somebody aura and just a nobody.
Post a Comment