Patience Is A Virtue

I somewhat feel melancholic today. Though my mouth says I don’t know why, deep inside, I know exactly the reason why. But I hate to admit it. In fact, I refuse to admit it. I refuse to see it as a problem. I know that I can get through this. I have to be patient. After all, Allah loves those who are patient. He adores them. He wants to see whether we are strong enough to go through the challenges that He has laid out for us. It makes me thankful, in a way. It shows that I am in His good radar. So to speak [smile]. But, I am only human. Even the strongest of mankind fall apart for no reason. I am thankful though that my faith has taught me to be strong and accept all tests with an open mind and heart.

I try to be a good daughter. A good daughter-in-law. Most importantly a good wife, and a good mother. But somehow, these days, I just don’t know whether I can shoulder the burden of these roles. It is tiring. So many hearts to take care of. So many feelings to mind. But what about my feelings? Does anyone bother to stop and think about my feelings? They see me as this strong woman who is able to weather any bad storm. But now I’m thinking, do I want to continue to become that woman? Rationally speaking, I have to. My rightful mind tells me that I have to be strong, for the sake of the roles that I am currently playing. But I don’t know for how long I can maintain the composure. These people.. these people who rely on me… emotionally and physically, I know I can’t let them down. But I want someone to mind me too. It’s just that I can’t shout for help. The inner voice inside me is shouting like mad. But my mouth and my actions, speak none of it. I don’t look like I need help. I look very capable. And happy. Like no troubles are bothering me at all. But inside I am crying. Not getting the emotional support and the inspirational words from the people I love is really upsetting me. All I get are hurtful remarks or indifferent actions. But I can’t cry to them. I can’t. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. But I never cry in front of them. I don’t know why. I guess it boils back to me being the pillar of everything [sigh]. Yeah.. these tests are small, and it’s sad to think that I can’t even handle them. Such is life.

Ayah said to me, “Be strong and I am sure you will win everything. Hidup ni memang banyak dugaan dan kita kena pandang ke hadapan for the sake of our family, our children, ourselves, our career dan banyak lagi. Mesti tabah dan cekal”.

I love Ayah for saying that to me. And only in Allah can I share my sorrow and seek comfort.

Lost My Ring

I think the title speaks for itself. Yes.. I lost my ring. My cincin belah rotan i.e. the gold band. The one that Bie gave me before he gave me the engagement ring. It’s what the Malays called the Cincin Tanda. Aarrgghh… this is so frustrating. I went back to Seremban last weekend. And on Sunday morning, I went to visit my arwah uwan at the Makam Tn Haji Mohd Said (by the way, Sheikh Muzaffar, the astronaut, is the descendant of Tn Hj Mohd Said… just sharing a bit of info here). I usually wear both rings on my fingers. The engagement ring and the Cincin Tanda.

Iklan… just got a call from the Group Corporate Communication department. They want me to be the emcee for the jamuan hari raya in October. Company’s event. No script. I need to prepare the script myself. Malas betul lah. I mean, I’m sure there are others. I know it’s a Group’s event, but please lah. Takkan takder orang lain. UEM Group has over 10,000 employees lah. And I am also supposed to be the emcee for the Malam Anugerah Kumpulan UEM. At least there’s a script for me to read from. But for the jamuan hari raya, NONE. Looks like I have to prepare it myself. Last year, we called Adibah Noor and Salih Yacob as the emcees. The artistes’ line up was kind of cool as well. But this year, the new MD/CEO wants something less flamboyant and something less pricey as well. So we’re doing it at our office. At the ballroom downstairs. Oh well… mental note: Remember to seek for tokens. Nothing is free, ok.

Anyway, about the ring. Guess who made the ring ‘disappear’? Muhammad Raqib. He played with both rings actually. I always placed them on top of the side table. He has never played with them. Well, he has but VERY rare. Well, last Sunday, he played with them when he woke up. Bie realized it and took it from him. I wasn’t around as I was at the makam. But what Bie didn’t realize was that he played with TWO rings. Bie only recovered the engagement ring.

When I wanted to wear them later that night, I noticed that only my engagement ring was on top of the side table. Now where did my Cincin Tanda go to? I looked everywhere for it. And because it was already night, I had difficulty looking for the ring under the bed (mental note: Need to CLEAN all dusts under the bed). I was so sad. I hope Raqib just played with it when he was inside the room. I hope he didn’t take it outside. Ibu promised to look for it as I had to return home. So yeah.. as at to date, still no news of the missing ring. Please, please pray that the ring will be found. It’s too precious. It’s just a simple gold ring, but it is MY Cincin Tanda. Aarrgghh.. tension jugaklah dengan Muhammad Raqib nie. But that’s another story.

Cooking During Ramadhan

Since my parents are at home coz they wanted to visit my brother who is still in Tawakkal, yesterday I had to cook more than usual. My basic dishes are three. But coz my parents are around, I added another dish yesterday. So I ended up cooking Ikan Tenggiri Masak Lemak Cili Api, Mixed Vegetables, Sotong Kicap and Sausage Sambal Ikan Bilis (own receipe). Bie bought some popia basah and tauhu bakar. Ayah was on his way back from the university. I told him not to buy anything because I am cooking. Though he promised that he wouldn’t, when he came back late yesterday afternoon, he bought two other dishes i.e. Lala Berlada and Sup Daging. He also bought Roti John and two packets of bihun goreng. So yeah, end up, we had a LOT of foods to eat. And since my dinner table is one of those roundy types and quite small, we barely had spaces to put our plates..!!

Ayah is like that. He likes to buy a LOT of food during Ramadhan. Ibu is tired of arguing with him. After all Ayah keeps on still buying a lot of food. I am ok if he wants to buy Murtabak, Roti John and all that, but lauk-lauk? Hhmm.. but then, though I always tell him not to buy a lot of food. It’s a waste and all that, and that it’s Ramadhan, so we should actually be spending less and try to be less gluttony, I have ALWAYS enjoyed that habit of his, because it only occurs during Ramadhan. If I wasn’t breaking fast at my parents, Bie and I would talk about how Ayah likes to spend on a lot of food and that he doesn’t eat much of what he has bought anyway. We would somehow know the type of food that he would buy. Among them are Roti John, Murtabak, Siput Sedut Masak Lemak Cili Api, curry puffs, kuih apam, tepung pelita, etc, etc. He just loves to. He buys them because he said that he doesn’t buy them for himself, but for his family. He wants his family to eat. Well, that’s his reason. For actual fact, he just can’t resist the temptation of the foods being displayed on the tables in the Bazaar Ramadhan.

And because of too much food yesterday, I am thinking of cooking something simple tonight. Maggee goreng, with chicken burger. How does that sound? I know it doesn’t really complement one another, but once they’re in the stomach, they still get processed the same way… and come out the same!! Hehehehe.. talk about being gross during the holy month of Ramadhan. Sorry about that. But yeah, maggee goreng sounds like a great plan. I am definitely going to do that.

Sleepy

It has been a nice Ramadhan for me, so far. My ‘best friend’ has not visited me yet. So I think I should be able to fast for at least two more weeks, hopefully. And I just got back to work today. I was on leave yesterday. I didn’t do anything. I just stayed at home with the family. Marsya isn’t around as she is at Maksu’s (once in a while, she would tell me that she missed Maksu and wished to go there for a couple of days), so I have Raqib all to myself. And it was nice. I love staying home with him. It is so nice to see his smiling face in the morning. I love it when he walked out of the bedroom, saw me in the living room, and walked straight into my arms, hugging me. The feeling is amazing. It made me wonder why I don’t stay home more often. I mean, take leave and just stay at home… [sigh].. the plight of a working mother.

And now I am terribly sleepy. I only had 3 and a half hour of sleep last night. My brother, Ayin, was admitted to Tawakkal yesterday. His toe didn’t seem to be recovering very well since he kicked my other brother in the shin during a futsal game. And that was months ago. Apparently, its recovery is sort off and on. And to make matters worse, his not-so-good toe is now infected with bacteria causing his gland to engorge. And if not treated, the bacteria are going to enter into his blood system causing more damage, which can be hazardous. I was so worried. I only learnt about it at 5pm, and I had made plans to break fast at my in-laws. So, I could only reach Tawakkal after I break fast.

At 8pm, I left Raqib at my in-laws with the maid and rushed to Tawakkal. Luckily the hospital was quite near. No one was at the hospital with him. Ayah had already left with Ayin’s wife to fetch their son, so he was alone. When I opened the door to his room, and he was walking obviously in pain, my heart reached out for him. He is after all my brother. No matter that he’s 30 years old, and has his own family. As a sister, I saw passed all that. I helped him to his bed, and started to ‘mother’ him. I helped him change his pants, called on the nurse to clean the water leakage in his room, and asked the nurse LOTS of questions so that I know what sort of illness we were facing. Ibu, Ayah and his wife will only visit him the next day. His wife was sending their son back to Bentong with her mother, so that she could stay in the hospital with him, and take care of him.

I left the hospital at 12am. I went to my in-laws to fetch Raqib and the maid, and reached home at about 12.30am. Raqib had woken up. And after 3 hours of sleep, he was a bit refreshed to do stuff. So, it took quite sometime to coax him into going back to sleep. But when he finally did, it was already past 1am. I managed to sleep for a few hours until I heard my alarm rang indicating that it was 4.30am, to wake up for sahur. And I haven’t been asleep since then.

Now, I am VERY sleepy. My eyelids are drooping, and I am yawning like… a lot. I really can’t wait to go back early today. If I could only have a nap for about 10 to 15 minutes, I think it would do wonders to my body. We’ll see how.

My Sisters.. My Friends

I reached the office quite early today. I was in a chirpy mood because I saw that in the LRT this morning, I wasn’t the only with the mask. There was another lady wearing a mask, except that she was also wearing similar clothes like mine. Cream pants, and cream top, with light brown tudung. Talk about déjà vu. It was just so weird. Anyway, yes.. I wear the mask in the LRT these days. I think it is my responsible to do so. After all, my son isn’t that well, so I can’t be selfish, right. Yes it attracted people to look at me, but, who cares. At least I know that I am doing the right thing.

Anyway, I got to the office. Switched on my PC, and immediately opened the email. I saw an email from a friend, with bright pink writings saying that she wanted to cry. I was a bit taken aback. I mean, ok.. what’s going on. What are you talking about? Then I caught another email at the bottom. A very long one, the writing was blue. Hhmm.. Interesting. Who could this be? I scrolled down. It was Pah.

She wrote a heart-warming email, about each one of us Gurls, and how each of us meant to her. She was obviously in a heart-to-heart mood. Now, these days, it is quite rare to get long emails from Pah. She is VERY busy and I suppose I can understand if we don’t receive long emails from her as often before. But then, everyone’s busy. Oh well. This is what she wrote of me.

“Ja... hmm. Aku tulis nama kau pun cam air mata dah bergenang lol. Camne? I love you girl. We have known each other for so long. I think when I first met you at school, I never thought we would be such good friends. Seriously. You were this (and still is by the way) this posh girl, speaking with (then) unidentified accent (which later i discovered so british lol). With you I can certainly say we have gone through so many phases of friendships, tested, heartache and somehow Allah has kept us together close despite all the challenges. I am thinking how can I miss you when I have just recently met you and spent hours together, but I do!”

For each description given to each Gurl, I smiled to myself. I can totally relate to the incidences that she talked about. It was like as if I know them by heart. She talked about Min, being ‘anak orang kaya yang sombong’, roughly translated, arrogant daughter of a rich man, which is quite funny really because, yes Min seemed arrogant before, but that was because she didn’t know us (once she got to know us, we just couldn’t loose her. She was always there.. hehehehe). And yes, she was MUCH better than the rest of us, having gone to the UK, sponsored by her family, whereas we were sponsored by JPA, and were poor most of the times, laden with debt. But I felt truly blessed to know her, and to be her friend. Yes, I love her very much and treasure every single moment of my friendship with her. She can be a pain, oh God.. yes she can. But somehow, I can absorb those painstaking moments and see pass all that.

I don’t know about Yamm ruffling my hair (she seemed to do that to Pah a lot). Hhmm… I don’t think she’s ever done that to me. But then, I have always been the proud one. And not bothered with all these touches, or manja-manja. But, the moment I remember about Yamm was her generosity in sharing with me her bed whenever I slept over at her house in Dilston Road. And I always seemed to remember how smart she was. This girl, I tell you, has brains. She always seemed to be helping me to understand a lot of things. I was a bit thick, you see. Hehehehe..

I have always seen Izan as the manja one, soft and kind-hearted. And I have also shared her sorrow back then. We were on the bus, on the way to school. She was crying. She just lost her brother. It was a sad moment for us all. I remember we held a Yassin recitation for her brother at my house in Dilston Road, and after that, we watched Bed of Roses on the sky channel. It was nice.

I totally agree with Pah on her views of Murni being very thoughtful. She always seemed to be the considerate one. Always remembering birthdays. I have to admit that I am not that at all but of course it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I do, it’s just that my way of showing it is a little different, that’s all. And I will never forget Murni’s delivery of that brown sauce which I craved for so much during my pregnancy with Marsya. It was way cool.

Leeya… I have to admit that I didn’t know Leeya so much because we were never in the same class. We also don’t hang out much during college years. So I can’t say much about her during those days. But when I stayed with her, I began to notice little things about her. She had these moods. So when she was into one of her not-so-good moods, I would stay away from her. But when she was in her good moods, she was such a fun person to be with. She would laugh, make fun of you, joke with you and just practically laugh out loud with you. Yeah.. in a way, I miss her too. It’s too bad that she doesn’t stay in KL, otherwise I think it’d be cool to have her around. But I know that she will always be accessible online.

My memory of Noha is rather different. I would always see her as a girl who knew that my Bie (well, at that time, he was just one of the boys, no one special to me) was interested in me. Apparently, she knew, but she didn’t say anything to me. She could really keep a secret. And I still remember her face, smiling from ear to ear when I told her that Bie was coming over because he had something to tell me. We were supposed to have a dance practice that evening for the Malaysian Night, but it was cancelled. So she sort of came over to tell me, or was it to confirm with me. I can’t remember. But when Bie rang the bell, she told me that she sort of knew what he wanted to say. So she ran down the stairs, grinned at Bie and said hi, and left. Yeah.. that was that. Hehehehe.. funny. Of course there were others. After all, she stayed with Min at Dilston Road and I happened to be a frequent visitor.

Zha was like this big sister I never had. Always serious and not as silly as I was back then. Hehehe.. and Makcik, gosh.. I totally agree with Pah. She’s like an onion. You have to pill her skin one layer at a time to discover that she is actually this wonderful person inside. Marsya takes a liking in her so much. Always saying, Aunty Mas, Aunty Mas, and Aunty Mas. Penat aku layan. I think it’s because Makcik put on a bit of lipstick on her lips during Min’s engagement last year. Or was it earlier than that? I don’t know, but my daughter is smitten by her. She’s really great. Vogue yet conservative. That’s Makcik for you.

Finally.. Pah.. [sigh].. she is this most amazing woman who is so passionate about everything be it something she does, or something that she has an opinion of. I don’t know what I would do if she suddenly stopped being my friend, which I hope is NEVER. She is just someone that I want to be around with, hopefully until I grow old and die. Yes we don’t see each other often. But when we do, oh gosh.. I treasure every minute of it. I know that if I have a problem, I can just go up to her and cry my heart out and she didn’t even have to say a thing, but somehow or rather, I am comforted by the silence. Do you know what I mean? It has happened before. And yes, Allah has tested my friendship with her countless times. I remember this awkward moment when we had this stupid fight while we were in Newcastle. For the life of me, I can’t even remember what the fight was about. We also had another stupid argument when we were back in Malaysia. That affected me very much. I was just so sad with it. Biasalah, me and my big mouth, saying things which I shouldn’t have said. Till to this day, I never utter the word in front of her. I was really afraid that we wouldn’t be friends anymore after that incident. Or, even if we were, we wouldn’t be as close. Man, I was so glad that I was wrong. Our friendship remained strong, till today. Amazing isn’t it, how one lady can create an impact on your life. Hhmm..

So yes, the Gurls make an awful lot of difference in my life, and I can’t thank Allah enough for giving them to me. And yes, I love all of them to the max. They will always be in my heart. Insya Allah, forever…

I am SO Bloody MAD..!!

I have prepared the standard template, but no, it wasn’t accepted because his staff wouldn’t know how to fill it in. I have done it as detailed as possible. Come on. Give me a break. Ingat aku ni apa? Sampai bila nak spoon feed jer. I have spent half of the morning, sorting this thing out and cracking it, and now you tell me it’s wrong. BS lah..!! Take a look at the whole thing first then come back with your comments. Don’t just look at the first two items then you feel that you can conclude the rest. BS lah. Sakit jiwa betul lah aku. Seriously. My head is aching because I am pissed off. I’ve got wrinkles all over my forehead now. How the hell would I know which subsidiary they would use to help us construct the bloody thing. This is something that is not known yet. So that’s why I put it general first. Takkan itu pun staff dia tak tau. Come on lah. Give them some credit. If that company happens to be a subsidiary, then letak jerlah nama company tu. Takkan tu pun tak boleh pikir..!! Sakit nya hati aku.

I nearly shouted at him, but I controlled my temper. I am fasting today. Wouldn’t want to ruin my fasting pahala for nothing (though I think it is affected already). Instead, I walked away from him and told him that I’ll only see him when I am cooler. Bengang betul lah. Macamana aku tak stress. I guess he knows I’m mad. Well, I am mad too. And at this point in time, I am just so MAD. Really mad. I mean, come on. Nak aku buat apa? Lay out a fancy carpet for his staff to walk on? Sampai biler? I am not going to be that idiot.

I couldn’t even look at this face just now. I was just so mad. Ya Allah.. berikanlah kesabaran dan ketenangan pada hambuMu yang tengah marah nie. AMIN.

Just Sharing Intimate Moments

I think I haven't uploaded any picture for such a long time. And since it's not 9am yet, I thought, why don't I?

That's Ayah with all his cucu. Marsya, Haraz and Raqib

That's my Acik, Cuz Farah and Ibu, at Farah's akad nikah

That's nearly the whole brood. Pak Tam's family's not there. Along Iril also not there. Hhmm.. in fact, I think we still have quite a few not in the picture

Raqib with his car toy present

Marsya with her presents

Break from hospital. Raqib was admitted for asthma and secondary pneumonia

We decided to take him home for a while because he was bored at the hospital

Marsya in her school uniform. Like a tadika in Acheh

Maid Issues

I have a maid. Her name is Aini. She has been with me for a year. She’s not exactly the best cleaner in town, as she only cleans what she sees. But when she is proactive, I will compliment her because I think she truly deserves it. She is 29 years old and has two kids aged 5 and 7. Her family is in Lombok. She has a sister in JB who recently got married to another Indonesian also residing in Malaysia.

Though she’s not the perfect cleaner, at least my house is in order now. My bathroom is clean, the floor is swept and mopped and my clothes are being taken care of (which was something I was bad at before I had her. Clean clothes were only folded and put away in the cupboard on weekends. What to do? I sent my kids to PJ everyday and got back late at night). But most importantly, she takes really good care of the kids. She especially adores Raqib. I guess she took care of him since he was a baby (well, when Raqib was about 10 months or so). And Marsya is also ok with her. So, I don’t see much issue there. As long as she is warm to the kids, I am fine. Furthermore, she is the type that does not talk much. She will only talk to me, when I speak to her first. Then we would have decent conversations about her kids, her husband, her sister, etc, etc. I guess she was afraid to start first because my mood isn’t exactly predictable especially after a hard day at work. And I appreciate that.

Though her sister is in Malaysia, I have never given her any leave. Her sister has been prompting her to get a day off so that Aini can go visit her in JB, and Aini has been relaying it to me, but I never really took action. I have never allowed it. Not directly, but indirectly I suppose Aini knows. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just fear about everything if I let her go. What if she learns things which she’s not supposed to? What if her sister is a bad influence on her because from the way that she talks about her sister, I wouldn’t exactly want her sister to be my maid. But then, I am also not a cruel person. I mean, put myself in her shoes. If my sister or brother is near me, together in a foreign country, I would want to visit her or him. So I don’t really blame her for wanting to visit her sister. The only thing that is drawing her back is her fear to go to JB alone, you know like taking public transportation and all. Basically fear of the unknown. I guess I could teach her how to get on the public transport but I don’t want it to be a norm. What if she suddenly leaves the house and never come back? What will happen to my kids? See, these are the things that I fear. I guess, I am also afraid of the unknown. I think I can trust her, but a sensible part of me tells me not to be too trusting. So, that’s why I have never taken it seriously whenever she tells me that her sister wants her to visit.

Furthermore, I am not the type of employer that leaves her in the house whenever I go out. I always bring her out with me. Shopping complexes, weddings, gathering with friends, dinner outside, and so forth. So I don’t think I am being cruel to her. Not to mention that I will buy her personal stuff without deducting her salary. I don’t mind paying them. I am not the calculative type.

So when suddenly the Indonesian Manpower and Trans-migration Minister Erman Suparno said that Indonesia is withdrawing all maids from Indonesia, I was a little pissed off. And that’s not all. He also mentioned about the day off and seeking for the maids to hold their own passports. He also wants salary revision. This man is just asking for so much. Yeah I can understand his concerns, but he is basing all these on two very remote cases. And the way that the media is highlighting them like mad, really makes me angry. I mean, what about those issues about maids running away the minute we renew their permits? They don’t come cheap. And for working moms like me, I despise that. We work to get them to come is, and then they just run off. And the best part is that, we don’t get compensated for it. All costs burnt down the drain. And don’t get me started on maids getting pregnant or hitting on our husbands, or bringing people home and doing it in our bedroom. And what about those that use black magic? Putting unknown substances in our food? Oh yes, I have heard such horrifying stories before and believe me, I am really scared. Aini seems to be ok, but you never know right. But of course I am glad that I have her. Like I said, she isn’t exactly perfect, but she does help and most importantly, she is good with the kids.

I do worry about this new proposal by Minister Erman Suparno. Yes this thing has yet to be tabled at the Parliament, but I hope our government is also looking at protecting our rights, the employer. Those who are lucky to get good maids, well, good for them. But those that didn’t?

[Sigh…] This is a very sensitive issue right now. I have asked Aini though whether she wanted to take a day off. She said even if she does takes a day off, where would she go to. She doesn’t have any relative in KL. And her sister’s in JB. Well that’s what she said. But what does she really feel in her heart. Even I don’t know.

Happy Monday Everyone

Considering that I was tired yesterday, surprisingly today, I am quite in a chirpy mood. Weird, eh? Yesterday, the minute I opened my eyes, I went to Carrefour, bought a lot of groceries to last me hopefully a week or a week and a half, and took about an hour and a half to stock up all the foodstocks purchased. The prawns, squids, fishes and chickens, needed to be sorted out. Luckily I had the maid to help out. Or else, I don’t think I’d be able to do it.

After that, I dressed up and left for Sri Hartamas coz CT am was having an Aqiqah kenduri for her second boy, Ammar, who was so cute by the way, dressed up in a sailor suit. I ate a lot (ok, what else is new?) and met many old friends like dear Meeha, Manal, Suzie, Hawa. The house itself was really nice. I like Kensington Park. It sounds very posh (like the house in Peter Pan.. Wendy lives in Kensington Garden) and it looks very good too. Gated and guarded. Very nice indeed. Anyway, we left at about 5-ish, and headed straight to Alpha Angle to cut Raqib’s hair. Yes, he virtually has no hair now. Well, very little. But I like it. I hope the new hair that comes out is even better.

Then, we went home and after Maghrib, we went back out, this time, just me and Bie and headed towards USJ because Bie wanted to see someone about work. And that someone happens to be a husband of a dear friend, Farah, whose mother happens to open an eating place there (in front of Taylor’s College) selling all types of Thai cuisines. Her mother’s Thai. And, I ate there too. The Tom Yam is really nice. Spicy and hot. Bie had the Green Curry Chicken with rice. Also very spicy. After that we had the appetizer (I know.. terbalik. Main meal first, and then the appetizer). I can’t remember the name. Meng Khaim or something. Basically daun kaduk with peanuts, fried coconut and sauce. I was really full when I got back. Anyway, we hung out until 11.20pm. And reached the house only at about 12 am. So one can only imagine how tiring it was. Luckily the kids were all asleep.

And that wasn’t all. I didn’t immediately go to sleep. After prayers, I made coffee for both Bie and myself. And watched TV until about 2am. It was a quiet moment for us. The kids were asleep; we had the TV for ourselves. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to watch it because the kids would be watching cartoons all the time. Power Puff Girls, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Elmo’s World, Tom & Jerry, you name it. They watch it. So yeah, it was peaceful time for us. So we watched Video Scope on VH1. They were paying a tribute to Michael Jakcson. I honestly don’t understand what the tribute is all about. When he was alive, people were scorning him, talking bad about his appearances, his outrageous and weird antics, and who could forget the allegations that were made against him. But when he is gone, people pay tributes for him, and suddenly everyone wants to give eulogies. I mean, how hypocritical is that? I pity MJ. I just wish that he rests in peace, wherever he is. He has gone to meet his Maker. We should be praying for him. Hmm.. let’s hope that he’ll be ok. Anyway, I even managed to see Federer won against Roddick. My heart went to Roddick (or whatever his name is.. I am NOT a fan of tennis, and I DON’T watch the game. But Bie wanted to see who would win, and luckily we managed to see it end, after 4 hours of game.. penat kan. I mean, 4 hours.. gosh, I wouldn’t last 15 minutes). Anyway, this Roddick guy was VERY emotional. He was crying. His nose was red. Federer was all beaming with happiness. Hhmm.. pity the poor fella. The other fella, I mean.

So yeah, I slept at 2am. And at 6.30pm, I was already awake, ready to go to work. So just imagine, 4 and a half hours of sleep, and I am chirpy this morning. Weird, eh??

So Not In The Mood Today

I think the title speaks for itself. I am so not in the mood today. I don’t know why. I am probably tired. I went to Penang last weekend (which I enjoyed tremendously) and the last two days, I was busy with Invest Malaysia 2009 at Shangri-La KL. Biasalah.. macai kan. My feet hurt like mad because I took the lrt. I mean, I had to walk from Dang Wangi to Shangri-La and after that, walked to KLCC from Shangri-La because the roads were jammed. I felt alright walking because I was wearing my boots. But yesterday, gosshh.. I was wearing my new black shoes (which I got from KLCC the day before) and I had to walk to the Dang Wangi lrt station. Imagine.. new shoes, high heels, pointed in front. Aarrgghh… the price you pay to look good!! When I got back yesterday, I was just so exhausted that I slept from 6.30pm to 7.30pm. I couldn’t wake up. I was just too tired.

And today, I look very selebet. Heck, I FEEL selebet. What with a few papers to review, which needs to be done on an urgent basis because the Board’s meeting next week.. arrggh.. I want to go back to Penang..!! I am so not up for this.

Furthermore, Lin wants to meet up after work at KLCC today. She wanted to give the baby’s present to Akmal and Nad which is LONG overdue. I think their baby is 6 months already. Or is it, 7 months. Suddenly I feel like a terrible friend. Nad has delivered for quite a while now, but I have never had the chance to see the baby. Malas sungguh. Tak senonoh kan. And today, Lin said, it’s now or never. But I suddenly feel very malas. Today is definitely not the day. I just want to go home, and go to sleep.

I think it’s this terrible itchiness I have on my skin. When it breaks out, it’s so ITCHY.. I can’t stand it. Then I’ll have big read blobs on my thigh, or my neck, or my tummy. It’s just so irritating. I just feel like dipping myself in very hot water so that all the itchiness will go away. I am definitely going to the doctor’s tonight. I need to get myself a pill or something to make the itchiness go away. Whatever the doctor is going to prescribe, I am definitely going to eat it. I do have allergies to beef and meat, but at this age and time, I seemed to have outgrown the allergy. But lately, it’s been coming back. And I haven’t even been taking beef or meat. I have been eating a lot of seafood though (prawns and squids, mostly). Don’t tell me I am not allergic to seafood. It can’t be. Well, whatever it is, I don’t like the itchiness. Gatal sangat. Tak tahan.

Arrgghh… I need something to cure my mood today. But I don’t know what. Chocolate? Ice-cream? Sleep?

Penat lah.

When The Moon Split

I have just finished reading this beautiful book (it took me quite a number of weeks to finish it, after all, I could only read them while I was in the LRT heading for work. Reading at home is a bit difficult especially if you have two young kids who constantly interfere with your concentration). And I felt really sad, or was it happiness. I don’t know. But they’re mixed feelings. I don’t really know how to describe the feelings. But all I know is that, I do have tears brimming at the corner of my eyes.

I have never made a point to read about Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Yes I know about him, but through articles, the very limited reading materials that I have, and in stories that people tell, and of course during school. I have never read a full blown story about him from the day that he was born until he passed away on the 12th Rabi’ Al-Awwal, 11 AH. I have never really understood all the wars that he went through to protect Islam, and how deep the love of his Companions were towards him. The things that the pagans Quraysh did to him and his followers were just too much. They stoned him, refuse to trade with the Moslems in order to drive them to hunger (many died out of hunger during this period), place large rocks on top of some of the Moslems, tried to assassinate the Prophet (SAW), and continued to taunt him endlessly, Yes I had to learn these stories during school, but I never really understood it. I only learnt in school as it was part of what we have to learn in school.

Everytime Moslems throughout the world celebrate Maulidur Rasul, I am happy as well. After all, it’s a public holiday and I love public holidays. Now, it is with shame, I have to admit that I have never really understood the celebration to rejoice the birth of Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Without him, goodness knows what would have happened to us. He taught us a lot of thing. He brought us Islam. It’s a shame that we did not live in the same period that he lived in. I would have loved to see him. Be near him, or just stand wherever he had stood. The things he did for us were just indescribable.

He was human, just like the rest of us. He ate, he drank, he loved his wives and children, and he was always surrounded by his close friends, whom we came to call his Companions. His father died before he was born, and his mother died when he was six years old. When he was eight years old, his grandfather died, leaving him under the care of his uncle. Notice how those who were close to him died even before him. All his children except for Fatimah died before him (she died 6 months after his death). I never really cared much about his life, well, not as much as I care about it now. After reading When The Moon Split, my perception has changed. I see it now in a different perspective, and like I said earlier, I regret for not celebrating Maulidur Rasul in a way that a true Moslem does. How shallow was I?

So yes, I love the book. And I love the description and the stories the biography detailed out. Let’s pray to Allah to bless the Prophet (SAW), his family, his Companions, and may Allah grant us a place under the Prophet’s standard on the Day of Judgement. Ameen.

Raqib Turned Two

It was my Raqib’s birthday yesterday. He turned two. We did a short celebration for him at my parents’ house in Seremban. Of course Marysa was the princess of the day. She insisted on a Barbie and Power Puff Girls’ cake, which so didn’t happen. It was her brother’s birthday, not hers. Of course she couldn’t care less about that. Whenever there is a cake, and there also happen to be candles, that cake is hers. Well, that’s my daughter for you. By the way, she bumped her head on the floor coz she slipped and fell. The bump was huge and red. I was really worried and wanted to have a look at it, but she refused to let me see it. She didn’t want any ointment on it. She wanted baby’s powder. I know I shouldn’t have taught her to put powder on anything. My mistake. But she didn’t vomit or anything, so I guess I shouldn’t be worried too much.

Anyway, about the birthday celebration first, both Marsya and Raqib received presents (yeah, I know.. it’s not even Marsya’s birthday but she received two presents, courtesy of Ayah and Ayin – my brother). It was wonderful seeing the expressions on their faces when they received their presents. Raqib’s was priceless. He was going, “Waaahhh…” all the time. It was cute. Ok, I know.. a bit biased here, he’s my son.

Will share some pictures soon.

Sad News Indeed

I was on the way to work this morning, waiting for the LRT to be exact, at Terminal Putra when I received a call. Since I didn’t have the number in my address book (thanks to Raqib), I didn’t know who it was. The caller told me that her daughter has passed away and asked me to spread the news. I was a little surprised. I didn’t know who this person was. How could I spread the news? So reluctantly, I asked the caller’s name, and was quite surprised to know that she is actually quite a close friend. The minute she told me who she was, I immediately knew which daughter she was talking about. And after that, I was TRULY shocked.

Little Alya was adorable. She spoke really good English. The first time I laid eyes on her, I found her quite fascinating. Her curly hair, dreamy eyes, and soft brown skin were not of those her mother’s. In fact, she didn’t look like her mother at all. She inherited her looks from her father.

I nearly broke down in the LRT. But because there were so many people, I controlled myself. She had pneumonia and virus infections. She was admitted into the hospital on Sunday, but passed away on Tuesday. It was really hard for me to take. My friend however appeared very calm. She didn’t cry, but I did hear sadness in her voice. Alya was her eldest. The younger was a boy.

We hung up, and I was really fighting for self-control. My son, Raqib, was recently admitted to the hospital for asthma and secondary pneumonia. Luckily for us, he was alright. He’s asthmatic now, but at least he’s ok. I just have to monitor his medication. The day that he was admitted, he was very sick. He looked like he was fading away from me. He wouldn’t eat, and wouldn’t sleep. He didn’t even want any of my breast milk. I was so sad. And I fought the urge to cry in front of him. I prayed to Allah to make him better. I couldn’t bear to see him like that. He just lay on the sofa. Even his voice couldn’t be heard. Whenever he called for me, his voice sounded so faint. That night, when we went to the hospital, he was immediately on the drip. We stayed at the hospital for three days. He has recovered from his pneumonia but he is now asthmatic.

I feel for Asfa. Who wouldn’t? She has just lost her daughter. It is not an easy thing to endure. When she came to my wedding, she was pregnant with Alya. After that, she experienced giving birth to Alya. She was there when she was sick, when she was happy, when she learnt to step on her own two feet, and when she spoke her first words.

Allah loves her more.

I pray that Allah too gives Asfa the strength that she needs to continue her life. Al-Fatihah.

The Secret Keeper

Sometimes I wonder whether I have a face of a person who can actually keep secrets. Well, I’m not saying that I’m perfect that I am really good at keeping secrets, after all I’m only human, but people are somehow drawn into telling me their most inner secrets. Sometimes, they don’t really say that it’s a secret, but the things they tell me makes me obligated not to tell any other person. I don’t know why. I guess it’s the stories told. Or the way that the stories are told. I don’t know. But somehow or rather, I am obliged to keep them as secrets.

You’d be amazed at the many things that people tell me. I don’t even coax it out of them. They just tell me because they simply want to share the stories with me. The first time a virginity is lost, molest stories, seduction stories, backstabbing stories, etc, etc. It’s just weird that they would actually want to share them with me. Not that I mind, for I so do not mind it, but it does makes me wonder. Is it because of my face? Do I look like a counselor? A psychiatrist even? Well I do know that I had wanted to take up Psychology at college, but Ayah opposed of it. Ayah said that I wouldn’t know what to do with such a degree and that it was just not worthwhile. So I took up the normal Business degree. But looking back, I think I would have made a lot of money if I had taken up Psychology, if of course I am based overseas, especially the US because there seems to be a lot of troubled people there. Better still, Hollywood. I think I’d be cool and I’d have many celebrity patients. Hehehe.. what am I thinking.

Back to the main issue, for now, I will just listen wherever necessary. People tell, I listen. People seek advice or opinions, I give. It’s as simple as that. I feel like ‘Dear Ms Mel’ though, but at times only. Other than that, I enjoy listening to their stories. It opens up the person to a whole new side which I never know existed.

Nemo or Gamat

My Hommies and I were talking during lunch about Nemo and Gamat.

Nemo being characteristics of a man who seems harmless enough but is actually flirtatious and easily falls for a woman IF the woman tries her charms on him. Who look innocent and also a family-loving man, but if given the opportunity, will actually do the impossible that even the wife herself would not believe. In other words, dia ni cepat perasan lah jugak.

Gamat is seen as a man, who is flirtatious, enjoys life and the company of good-looking women, but when an opportunity arises, he is not bothered with it, and end up doing other things which is totally the opposite of that particular opportunity. He is not easily charmed by a woman’s appeal, though he enjoys the moment spent with her. But there are always boundaries. And the Gamat type of man knows that. So he never oversteps the boundary. He knows that it’s not healthy.

It is difficult to actually identify whether the man is a Nemo or a Gamat. I know certain man who enjoys harmless flirts, but by the end of the day, it’s just about having fun. They don’t think about it. They don’t dwell on it. And the next day when he comes across similar opportunities, he just knows how to control himself.

But a man will always be a man. Even how strong a man is, if the temptation is just too hard for him to overcome, he might just fall, right? Or get side-tracked, even for a bit. I don’t know. It’s difficult to find a man who does not fall into the seductive trappings of a sexy woman. Especially if it is the woman herself who conjures up the plans and traps for him. A woman who is a Master in the art of seduction. I suppose, even how hard he controls himself, at one point or another, he might let himself ago. I guess it always boils back to faith. So if one experiences internal conflict, one should always refer to Him. It’s the only way.

Whatever it is, I enjoy the company of both Nemo and Gamat. Both are different and attractive in their own ways. And I am not bashful to admit that (which is something I shouldn’t be admitting to). Bukan admitted to having flings or affairs with them, ok. God forbids, minta dijauhkan … more towards having a good time with them. Kawan-kawan only, what. Besides, I know who I am. These Nemos and Gamats VERY rarely look at me as a potential ‘sexy woman’ who likes to trap and charm men. I am neither that. Trust me. But, I am ATTRACTIVE…!! Hehehehe… [that’s me, being perasan].

Now back to work.. [sigh]…

Last Minute Baru Nak Comment

I am currently doing this circular which we need to circulate to our shareholders at the forthcoming AGM, which will be the first for us since we just got listed last year. It’s on Recurrent Transactions.. boring stuff. Anyway, what pisses me off, is that, the circular is about to be completed, and suddenly, at the last minute, comments from nowhere start pouring in. Company Secretaries from God knows where suddenly have comments of their own. Questioning why certain things are done like that, or why aren’t we lumping certain transactions into one (hello… we have our reasons..). It’s just so irritating. I hate it when at the very last minute of completing something, suddenly all these irritating comments appear out of nowhere. It has happened in the past (not for circulars) but for other documents. Being me, I just ignored them because I think those comments were baseless, made only in view of recent events. I mean, I was there from the beginning, so of course I know a lot more than whoever that Tom, Dick and Harry said.

And now I am really mad. I think I should just ignore their remarks. I mean, yes those that are required, I’ll take into account, but those comments which I think are not of substance, I am definitely going to ignore them. I mean, come on.. you’re not the bosses of me, so why should I take into account EVERYTHING you said? [sigh..] this is so irritating.

Ok.. that’s just me, expressing my emotions..

Being A Married Woman

I had a meaningful conversation with Ibu last few weeks. For the first time ever, she revealed to me something that has been close to her heart for many, many years. She has mentioned it in the past but I never really thought of it being something that she sees as a milestone in her life. Until several weekends ago.

I asked her what her opinion was on married women having affairs. The issue came to mind because I witnessed something of that manner in a friend at work. My colleague is a beautiful woman, married with five kids. Her husband seems like a nice man, who works in the academic line. But little does her husband knows, she is having an affair with another man (a single, young man) outside of her marriage. Some of us know, some of us don’t. And I was really trying to understand on why she did it. Of course I couldn’t come to her with my question because I am not really that close to her, so I asked another woman who has a lot of wisdom having learned them throughout her life. My mother, Ibu.

She told me not to give in to all those urges. It is bad and should not be done. But I told her that I was curious. Is is it because these women are bored with their lives, but couldn’t leave their husbands because they still love them... you know, those types of questions. And having said that, she shared with me a story.

She was a woman in her early thirties. She has three young kids and was content with life. One day, she woke up sweating. She had a dream of her old flame; the one true flame that she was in love with before she met her husband. She was confused and didn’t know what to do. From that day onwards, she kept on thinking about the old flame. She was contemplating on whether she should call him and meet up with him for coffee. The idea was in her head for a few days, but she never shared it with anyone. Who could she share it with? One day, she mustered the courage to call her old flame. He wasn’t home. But she left a message for him. Not long after, she received a call from him.
She was happy. He was happy. Both were married. But they talked like as if they were still young, in their early 20s. It was like as if they hadn’t aged at all. He told her that he missed her. She tried to control her feelings and told him casually that she was happy with life and that she has three kids. After updating one another on what has been happening, he talked about his feelings for her. He told her that he still loved her and wanted to meet up with her. She kept her cool and told him that she has a husband and loved the husband very much. He didn’t believe her and coaxed her into seeing him. She refused and told him that it would be best if they did not see each other, and that a phone call was just as sufficient. He was disappointed.

After she put the phone down, she cried. She so badly wanted to see him but she knew that if she relented to him, things which happen next were beyond her control and that was something that she couldn’t afford to happen. She loved her husband and her children. She did not want to betray them. But there was something missing inside her. She longed for that feeling; the feeling of being loved by that one true love.

They talked again on the phone and she told him that she was going to the UK for the next 3 to 5 years as her husband was continuing his studies. And the reason why she wanted to talk to him was that there was no way knowing whether she would ever see him or talk to him again. Again he coaxed into seeing her. Again she turned him down. Again she cried herself to sleep at night.

The day finally came. Clothes were packed. Dried foods were packed. The children were chattering happily with their cousins. The grandparents were sad at the thought of not seeing the children every day. The husband was busy doing the last minute checking of the passports and documents. She looked at him from afar. This was the man she married. How could she have thought of another man when she was actually married to a great man. A man who would make a difference in her life. A man who loved her unconditionally. She lowered her eyes and sighed. This was her life. Allah had reasons for paving such life for her, and little did she know, she was grateful. She was thankful that she has a wonderful husband, and great children. And she treasured her family. She smiled and all thoughts of the old flame were history. It was just not meant to be.

These days, she does think back about her old flame, but never in the same feelings she had about 25 years ago. She was grateful to Allah that she was strong back then to resist temptation, knowing that if she had done it, she would regret it for the rest of her life. She loves her husband dearly, and I know for sure that Ayah loves her very much too. They always share their food whenever they eat out, and Ayah always buys her gifts. They always joke around, and are always smiling. I am thankful for that and feel blessed as I am their daughter.

Ibu’s story made me think. It is indeed a lesson well learnt. No good will come out of it. The happiness from the affair is only momentary. The repercussions are even more difficult to bear. I hope this friend of mine realizes this before it’s too late. In fact, I think WE ALL should always be mindful and be on a lookout for one another. And of course, never forget to pray to Him, for only Him can help us in such situations.

Short Update

I have been so busy that I have not had the chance to upload any story or update on the blog. There are just so many things to tell, but so little time to say it. Well, actually, write it. And of course I am not going to talk about work. It is never ending and I don’t think I want to go there.

Lately, I have been going out with my girlfriends a lot. Last Friday, I went for a karaoke session at the Red Box at The Garden. The place is really cool and has many great songs. I went there with my hommies buddies. And we sang from 8pm till 11.30pm. I was tired by the end of it. But I had a great time. Now, tonight, I’ll be going to Chillies at KLCC. A friend of mine who works at Celcom is receiving a lot of bonuses this year, and I have managed to coax her into treating us for dinner. So, it’s Chillies tonight. So you see, my life is alright, I guess. I am always with friends, and if I’m not with them, I am always with my kids and Bie. I read books (during my travel in the LRT) and I watch the TV (when the kids are all asleep). So, yes.. I suppose that life has been kind to me. And I shouldn’t be asking more, right?

But as a human being, I am never satisfied. I don’t know why. Allah has truly been kind to me these past few months and I am really grateful for that. He has helped me in ways that only I myself know. Though Bie is still struggling with his works, but I am thankful that we are still strong together. His kids love him. Since he is at home for most parts of the morning, his kids are quite close to him. Raqib will drink his milk while lying next to him on the sofa, whilst watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Playhouse Disney and Marsya.. tak payah cakap lah, but she is just Abi’s little girl. I love it that my kids are close to him. I guess there are hikmah’s everywhere. All these have made the children closer to Bie. So yeah, Bie may not be getting the job and the projects that he has been wanting, but the bond with his children is just so strong which makes me think that perhaps Allah is giving Bie the chance to bond with his children because if he’s busy with works, his chikdren will see less of him… and that’s not good. Well, whatever it is, Allah knows best. We will do the best at our end here, but by the end of the day, only Allah knows.

Upset All Of A Sudden

I was in such a good mood this morning. I had breakfast at Plaza Sentral with Kak Tina and enjoyed a hearty meal of nasi goreng with egg, which was actually quite good. Then I went up to my office feeling energetic despite sleeping late last night as I was watching Om Shanti Om (another really good movie starring Shah Rukh Khan, directed by Farah Khan.. yes, the woman who always choreograph dance scenes in movies – so yes, a lot of dancing. But you should really see it because it is VERY funny.. I had a good laugh watching it, and for the first time ever, I have to admit that Shah Rukh Khan looks very good TOPLESS.. no joke, ok. Six pack and all). Then I went to see my friend. He had something to share with me. We always talk in the evenings, after work, so seeing him in the morning which was actually out of the norm, well.. let’s just say that perhaps I shouldn’t have seen him. Not in the morning.

He shared with me his experience with a certain board director who accused him of being a non-Moslem and that his upbringing was not Islamic. It was uncalled for, of course. Especially coming from a respectable board director who happens to be a lawyer by profession. My friend was upset. And I could relate to that, as I would to, if it was to happen to me.

But later he touched on about other things. Things that perhaps should be left unsaid because it would create animosity and jealousy. I tried not to get so worked up about it, but I can’t. I am only human. Though my mouth says it’s ok, and my face is smiling telling people that I’m alright with it, deep down I am affected. If not much, a little. Stop comparing me with other people. I am my own person, and you have no right to compare me with them just because their stars are brighter than mine. To me rezeki comes in may form. So stop feeling sorry for me. If the times come, and Allah says it, it will happen. So why worry now, right.

Secondly, today is M Nasir’s concert and I am upset because I can’t attend it. I have wanted to watch an M Nasir concert like forever. But alas, it is not meant to be, and I have to admit that I am quite upset. I want to see M Nasir perform at Istana Budaya, but only the expensive tickets are left. The RM80 ticket that was booked earlier is no longer applicable, because I didn’t make payment within two days of booking (the booking right was lifted because of non-payment). Well, how could I see to the payment when I was occupied with other things? It seemed impossible at that time.

And now, I’m a little upset. I need something to make me feel better again. Perhaps a Subway sandiwich for lunch? Hhmm..

Update after lunch: I had a Subway sandwich. Italian BMT which stands for Italian Pepperoni, Salami and Turkey Ham.. SEDAP..!!

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

I just saw the Hindi movie yesterday evening. I saw it on DVD. It starred Shah Rukh Khan (who was recently bestowed a Datukship.. something I can never I understand, but there you go…) and young Kajol. Honestly, I have never seen the movie. I saw it once a long time ago, but it was the ending part. The part where Shah Rukh Khan’s face was all bloody because he was engaged in a fight with Kajol’s fiancé. But Bie raved about the movie. He liked it. He likes Kajol (the only Hindi actress that he liked) after he watched Dilwale. And he loved the songs, especially Tujhe Dekha To. I have never understood why he thinks that this is the best movie. But after I saw it yesterday, I understand.

Dilwale reminded me of my youth days. Where life was simple, fun with hormones raging unnecessarily all over the place. My craze back then was of course good looking boys. Hahahaha..!! I can’t help it. I was a young woman with lots of raging hormones. Fancying people and having crushes were the norm for me. I enjoyed it. It showed that I was alive and loving life. Yes.. I had a nice life back then. Not to say that it’s not nice now, but you know what I mean, being young and free.. it’s just nice, and I’m glad that I had that.

I watched it with Ibu. Even she admitted that it was nice to be young. And she remembered hers very well. Dilwale I guess has that affect on people. It made people look back at what they did when they were young. Especially where love and friends are concerned. And it made me wonder, can love really do that? Hindi movies can be a bit over the top. Especially where love is concerned. Somehow, watching it makes me wonder of the realism. I mean, it doesn’t look real to me. Yes the courting bit is normal, and young couple’s behavior when in love is as every bit as that portrayed in the movie, but I don’t know… somehow, the movie left this lingering feeling in my heart. And I can’t quite describe what it is. It’s like ‘tak berpijak di bumi yang nyata’ kind of thing. But there you go, it’s Hindustan. What can one expect from that. But everyone loves to dream and imagine themselves as being the main character in the movie. It gives them a warm feeling inside, I suppose. A feeling that can save them from the hassle of the reality of the world. I guess dreaming takes us away from current problems, and give us motivation for something to look forward to. Of course I do that too sometimes. But for Dilwale, I just can’t do that. I enjoyed the silly bantering between the couple as it took me to my younger days, but the love bit.. hhmm.. I don’t know. Call me practical, but I don’t think I can accept the ending part of the movie. Too unreal..

But of course the movie did GREAT. The two main actors are currently the biggest Hindi stars of all time, and I still adore Shah Rukh Khan. Datukship or no Datukship..