Beginning To Feel It

I am in my 34th week now with regards to my pregnancy. And to tell you the truth, I am beginning to feel it. From tiredness to fear; everything under the sun. My back aches easily from too much standing, my feet are swollen, like some elephant’s legs, and my stomach tends to harden once in a while, especially if I’ve had something to eat. The baby moves constantly and whenever it pushes certain parts inside my stomach, I would be squirming with pain. Not so much of a hurtful pain, but more like a jolt pain that goes on for only a second or two. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my baby moves. It shows that it’s healthy and alive, and I am forever thankful for that.

My baby now weighs 2kg and my doctor said the tendency for it to grow even bigger in the next month or so is actually quite high. And considering that Marsya was born at 3.35kg, the baby has the tendency to outweigh the sister. That scares me a lot. I mean, I hope for the baby to be healthy and all, but I also hope that it’ll not grow too big because I may have problem pushing it later during the actual delivery.

I still remember the difficulty I had when pushing to get Marsya out of me. It wasn’t very nice. The head got stuck at the canal for quite a while and my doctor was worried that Marsya might suffocate or something. Alhamdullillah, she came out alright. With the help of a nurse pushing my stomach (like I’m a stuffed turkey or something) and the doctor’s vacuuming Marsya’s head, Marsya came out fine, luckily no scar or anything. But I had to suffer on that account. Let’s just say my doctor refused to let me know the number of stitches I had. But, the pain was excruciating.

So now, I am scared. The labour pain is still fresh in my head. You know, the contractions, the pushing, the aftermath of it, the hemorrhoid (yes… I did experience that… and it was VERY painful mind you. Even more painful than the stitches themselves!). And all these are beginning to come back to me.

Every morning these days, I would wake up counting the days that I’ll be in labour. The pains I would encounter, etc… etc… I tried not to think of it, but I couldn’t help myself. When I’m not talking to anyone, or when I was focusing on doing my work, suddenly the fear appears out of nowhere and I started to think about it. I don’t feel like sharing this with my dearest Bie. I don’t know why. Maybe because he’s a man and he wouldn’t understand.

To make matters worse, I worry for my daughter lately. I worry that she may feel left out with the new baby. At this moment, all attention is on her. But with the new baby coming, she would have to share our love with the new baby. And at this moment, I have nothing but huge, compassionate love for her. I would hug her every night telling her that I love her and that no matter what, my love for her will not change. I will love her same. I say this nearly every time I am hugging her. I doubt whether she understands but I just feel that I need to tell her. And I guess it took its toll on me because last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that my baby (the new one) was upset with me because I was focusing too much on the sister. Everything is about Marsya. Even though I do stuff for the new baby, in the end, I will always go to Marsya to check on her well-being. It was like as if I didn’t care about the new baby at all.

I woke up with a sweat. God… I am thinking too much. Of course I will love the new baby. I will love the baby as much as I love Marsya. I promise to give them the same amount of love, compassion and dedication. And I pray to God that I am able to do just that.

So there… I just have so many things in my head right now. What with the never-ending work. Mind you, I still have to go to Ipoh next week for a meeting. My doctor seemed reluctant to let me go. But I feel that I have to. I need to sort this out before I deliver. I just hope that nothing out of the ordinary will happen during the trip next week.

Meanwhile, please pray that all will be fine.

Trip Last Sunday

Last Sunday we went to B***** for the getting-to-know session between the parents. Well my parents and the girlfriends’ parents. We didn’t expect to see so many people there. Apparently, nearly all of the siblings came home for the weekend, except for two of them. And all were bringing their spouses and kids. The minute we arrived, all came out at the front door looking at us (more like gawking actually). I felt like an animal in a zoo.

When we got off the car, they greeted us, friendly and all. The girlfriend was also there. Everybody was smiling. Ibu didn’t feel too happy. She felt awkward at the fact that so many of her siblings came back for the weekend.

At first, her mother didn’t talk much to us. Ibu kept quiet whereas Ayah was busy chatting with the father, introducing the whole family and telling him about our family, him being a pensioner but still lecturing on a contract basis, etc.. etc.. The mother was busy watching TV, probably a little nervous but trying to hide it by discussing what’s on TV with her kids. I thought it was rude as we were actually there sitting with her in the room. But like I said, she was probably nervous.

It was not until we were offered coffee and kuih that Ibu warmed up to the mother. I guess because at that time everyone was sitting at the dining table, so the close proximity made Ibu a little comfortable.

So they talked. Just small talks. But Ayah began to get serious and informed them of our intentions (not merisik or anything, but merely asking them of their requests). The parents didn’t say much. They kept on saying that it was up to us. They’d just follow suit. I guess I am a little surprised. I mean, they seemed to have so much to say in front of my brother but in front of my parents, they suddenly look like little cats to me. Saying that everything was up to us. So Ayah impliedly told them that he doesn’t mind for them to get engaged but it has to be proper. Ibu also mentioned that it’d be best if the girl works first before getting married because it’s unfair that she has the qualifications but she’s not working (I had to admit that it was very well said). Ayah added in that he had seen so many cases at the university; getting married so young with no taste of the outside world and suddenly the unexpected happened. He said he didn’t want that to happen to both my brother and the girl. The parents just nodded their heads and agreed. But ayah reiterated that whatever decision to be made will be between my brother and the girl. If they want to get engaged soon, then be it. Whatever it is, he just wants things to be done the proper way.

After that, we were served lunch and at about 1.30pm, we left for KL.

So now, the ball is in my brother’s court. He has to decide on when this whole thing is going to take place. I reminded him that I am already in my eight month of pregnancy and that my due date is 25th May. So he has to decide whether he wants to do it now, or after my delivery, OR after my confinement. He said he’ll take note, but whatever it is, we have to wait until the girl finishes he paper first. She’s got exam in April (for that paper that she has to re-sit for), so whatever it is, it’ll be after her exams.

So yeah, I am going to get a sister-in-law… I guess, soon.

A Mother’s Love

We don’t know the extent of a mother’s love for us, until we ourselves become mothers. That’s what I feel. We take for granted the love that our mothers shower us, thinking that it’s their forte coz after all, isn’t that what mothers are supposed to do. But sometimes we ourselves as children failed to reciprocate the love that our mothers give us. We think by giving them money or calling them to say hi, is enough to show that we love them, but believe me, those are just basically the tip of the iceberg. There is actually more to it than that. But of course, we failed to see that.

There are many types of mothers out there. There’s one who doesn’t talk much but is always taking crap (pardon my language) from other people. There are the possessive ones, the gossipy ones, the ones who can’t seem to stop talking about their children, the competitive ones, the pushy ones, the irritating ones, the ones who are overly protective, and the list goes on and on.

And we, sometimes as children, despised our mothers when they’re at their worst. We refuse to understand them and are always looking at the negative side of things. We sometimes treat our mothers with disrespect (when we’re angry about something) and always assume that our mothers are ok with it. Just give her a few days to cool off. But it doesn’t work that way.

A mother’s love for her children is actually indescribable. Do you really think that the lady who killed her two young sons because she was upset with her husband do not love her children? I feel that she loved her children very much, but her temporary insanity at that time together with bad judgment, influenced her decision to carry out the terrible deed. Who are we, the people who do not know her, comment on her or judge her? Although our hearts reached out for the boys and we were dismayed at the fact that the mother could actually kill her two kids, only Allah knows why it happened. Things happen for a reason and what better being to understand other than Allah himself.

I had an hour long conversation with Ibu yesterday and some of the things she touched upon made me have tears in my eyes. Lately, I feel that Ibu has drifted away from me. She’s busy with her personal things and I have to admit that though I’m married and all, I do feel neglected. I am always in contact with Ayah (he calls me like nearly everyday – what to do, I’m a Daddy’s girl), but Ibu… well, she’s not they type to call for unnecessary reason. She is also not the type that remembers important dates and all.

But yesterday, she made me open my eyes on what a mother’s love truly means. Though we’re all big children, but in her eyes, we’re still small. She gets hurt twice as fast if anything were to happen to us or if any of us is sad with grief. She cited one very good example; she’d rather be bitten by the mosquito rather than to see her children sleep restlessly at night. That caught me by surprise. Because of the hot weather these days, there seemed to be a lot of mosquitoes at night. I just don’t know where they come from. And I would actually stay awake just to ensure that the mosquitoes do not bite my daughter. I hate seeing her scratching here and there when she’s asleep. And when she does scratch, I would always wake up to put some lotion or ointment on the places that she was bit, whatever time that may be. So when Ibu said that, I felt emotional. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I controlled them.

She said, “I love my children very much. There is no way for me to describe the feelings. I may not show them through tasty cooking or shower them with gifts and presents, but believe me when I say that I love each and every one of you. In my eyes, you are still very small. I am tired of crying, and I don’t want to simply cry if my child upsets me. I don’t want you to be sinned for every tear that dropped because believe me, I don’t want that for my children. But I sometimes wish that my children would understand me. You’re a mother now. I’m sure you know how much a mother loves her child”.

So from today onwards, I vow to accept her views and understand her actions. I will try to be more supportive and be her shoulder to cry on or let out any frustration when she needs it. I will also try to bite my tongue and not answer her back or comment negatively when she is telling me certain things (if I do comment, I would have to ensure that the comments will not hurt her). She is after all my mother and I want her to know that I will love her to the max until the day that Allah calls her to meet Him.

One Time Ago

I had just finished lazing around after four months of my graduation and decided to look for work. The perfect place where they say the job market was vast and competitive was KL. So I looked through the papers and started scouring for job vacancies. One particular advertisement grabbed my eye. It sounded good so I thought, why not check it out.

So I went to KL the next day, looked for the building and entered the office. It looked impressive and the people were smartly dressed. I was excited. I had my resume at hand and was told to fill in a few forms before they call me for interviews.

They liked me and wanted me to start work the next day. I was surprised but happy that I had finally found something. So I went back to the office the next day, ready and excited to embark on something new. We were ushered into a room where a staff presented some very interesting facts about the organization and the income that one could earn there. But, I was in a surprise soon after that. Apparently, the company was involved in the commodity market, supposedly in Hong Kong. So we had to come by the office at night to study the commodity market and source for potential clients.

I felt cheated. And vowed not to go back there the next day. My sentiments were shared by a new friend I found at the office, a newly-recruited employee like me called Henry. He was half-Thai and half Indian. So we got on to talking, and exchanged numbers.

We continued to keep in contact, for short coffee break or meet ups, even after I got my first proper job at Maxis Tower. One day, he asked me out. He fetched me at the office and we went to Damansara. He brought me to a pub he usually frequented and introduced me to some of his friends. They were a nice bunch. Very chatty and friendly. Some of them were playing darts while some of them were just hanging out and talking. As it was close to dinner time, I felt hungry. At first Henry just wanted to eat at the pub but I felt uncomfortable coz I wanted to talk to him where the noise was less without any interruption from his friends. Besides, I wanted to go to Stevens’ at Damansara Uptown. I just could not resist the food there.

So we went there to have our dinner. And we talked. About a lot of things. It was actually fun. We stayed until after 10pm when suddenly he received a call from his friends. They were having a dart contest or something and they wanted him to return to the pub to take place in the team. At first he was reluctant to do so but because the team had no other player, he had no choice but to join the team. He was very upset. He wanted to hang out with me but he had to go.

I told him that I was ok with it. Except that I needed some sort of transport to send me back home because I went there with him. He realized that but could not send me because his friends were being very persistent, calling every other five minutes or so. So, in the end, he hailed a taxi for me and asked the taxi driver to take me home safely. He took the driver’s number and car registration, and repeatedly told the driver to take care of me and would be looking for him if anything was to happen to me. The driver smiled and assured him that he would take me home safely. I don’t know how much he paid the taxi driver but the driver was beaming from ear to ear.

Before I got into the taxi, he faced me and looked at me straight in the eye. I felt uncomfortable and told him not to look at me like that. He suddenly took my hands into his and confessed that he liked me. Though I had a boyfriend at that time, he didn’t care. He wanted to continue his friendship with me and wanted to see me more often. But he was worried. He was worried that after that night, I wouldn’t want to see him again, and he also felt worried to leave me in a taxi with a man I hardly knew. He also felt very wrong not to send me home coz after all; he was the one who picked me up. I told him not to worry about me.

But inside, I was worried as hell. Alone inside a taxi with a complete stranger was not how I pictured the night would end. He didn’t want to let me go. He continued to hold my hands and kissed them. To him, this was it. Tonight would determine whether I was interested to see him again, and he was worried that I wouldn’t want to. I felt rather awkward. Finally he let go of my hands and kissed both my cheeks. He opened the taxi door for me and told the taxi driver to take me home safely.

I waved goodbye and prayed that I would get home safely. Lucky for me, the taxi driver turned out to be a friendly guy not to mention nice. He thought Henry was my boyfriend because he said he had never met anyone so protective of a girl before. He further thought that it was nice of Henry to worry for me. I told him that Henry was just a friend.

I got home safely and not long after that, Henry called me. He wanted to make sure that I was home safely. He also said that he would understand if I no longer wanted to see him after the incident. I told him not to be silly and that of course we would remain friends. But he was skeptical and said he would wait for my call. If I still want to continue the friendship, I would call him. If I didn’t, he would understand and he would not bug me anymore.

The minute we hung up, I called my dearest Bie and told him what happened. Bie didn’t flip. He just said not to contact Henry anymore. I told him that he shouldn’t worry and that I wouldn’t. I was actually a little afraid of Henry. It wasn’t so much of him ‘abandoning’ me on the taxi ride home, but it was more of his intention. Him holding my hands and kissing them. I don’t think I wanted to go along that route with him. So yes, I never did call him anymore. Henry too, just as he said, hadn’t called me anymore after that night.

It’s Actually Happening

I was at my parents’ last weekend. It’s been three weeks since I spent the weekend home, so I was excited to go back. All my brothers were there, except for the last one. He was still stuck at college because he had some studying to do. His finals are in April and he wanted to study (he does a lot of studying. I don’t know why. I wish I was like that during my student days… anyway).

I was lazing in front of the TV on the Saturday afternoon when my brother patted me on the foot and said that he had something to say. My Ayah was also there. So I sat up proper and waited for him to open his mouth. He sat on the sofa opposite me and said, “I went to B***** before I went to Terengganu last week to see her parents. Her mother was worried that I was avoiding them and she reprimanded her daughter for making me stressed and pressurized. So, I decided to talk to the parents”.

I’m like… hhmm… ok. Apparently, the mother felt that my brother was trying to avoid them. So she bising to her daughter, asking her why my brother haven’t been visiting for quite a while. And since my brother was in a very stressed condition, she was afraid that my brother would leave her daughter [I was already menyampah at this stage, but I kept my cool]. But my brother took my Ayah’s advice instead and decided to ask the parents direct on WHAT the parents actually want.

Her mother wants them to be engaged. But she doesn’t want the engagement period to be too long. If possible, she wants it to be soon. When my brother asked her what she meant by soon. She didn’t know how to reply. She kept on asking my brother to talk to my parents and ask them to come over to B*****. My brother put his foot on it and said, “To my family, 6 months isn’t that long. In fact, it’s very short. So tell me, what is Makcik’s definition of a short engagement? Besides, before I get my parents to come here, they must at least know what’s going on and I intend to relay them the message”. The mother just kept quiet.

My brother told us that the father wants it to happen in December this year. I thought he meant the engagement, but then my brother clarified it for me. “Not tunang lah Long. Kawin”. I was shocked. What??!! Getting married? This December? So, when is the engagement? My brother couldn’t reply. He said her parents are leaving it up to him, but the marriage itself is to happen in December 2007.

I was not very pleased. I mean, she still is not working. She’s got a paper (re-sitting) sometime soon and her parents want her engaged?? I didn’t know what to say. But I did see that the discussion with the parents took quite a loading off my brother. He was more cheerful and played with my daughter like nearly all the time. He talked to me and did not look stressed. Well, that was before he confided in us on what took place in B*****.

My Ayah, wanting to support his son, not wanting him to be stressed started laying out the plans. Perhaps getting engaged in April so that we have 8 months or so to prepare for the wedding. I just kept quiet. I wanted to support my brother all the way, but somehow I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to pressure my brother. Kesian kat dia. He’s had enough of the stress without me giving him my ideas and making him more stressed. So it was decided that the issue had to be discussed further with Ibu.

The next day, I had an opportunity to talk to my brother. I asked him whether he was happy that he’s finally getting hitched because the way I see it, he only wants to get married so that he can put an end to the stress that he was facing. He just kept quiet.

Me: I see that you only want to get married coz you’re thinking that you’re approaching 30 and that you’ve been friends with her for quite a number of years and biler lagi nak kawin if not now. Aren’t you happy at the thought of getting married?

Him: Mana ada orang happy nak kawin Long. Mana ada orang tak stress.

Me: That’s not the answer I was looking for. And besides, that SHOULD not be the reply. I don’t want you to get married for the wrong reasons.

Him: Dah pening kepalalah Long. Malas nak fikir dah. It’s now or never. If I don’t get married now, I will probably never get married at all.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’ll get married. Why are you being stressed over nothing? Chill, ok. This is a small thing. There’ll be greater things later in life.

Him: I’m afraid that our family wouldn’t be able to accept her. I have no problem with her family.

Me: That is something that you have to work with. Get her to come and see our parents. Ni asyik kau je ke sana. Get her to ambil hati Ibu.

Him: Dia tak nak Long. Dia takut.

Me: Takut? What is she afraid of? She wants to get married to Ibu’s son, but she’s afraid to meet Ibu herself? Come on lah. Ask her not to be silly. It’s not like as if she doesn’t know me. For God’s sake, I was the one who introduced her to you. She even seems segan with me!!

Him: Yeah, she mentioned that.

Me: Silly lah. Look, who am I to stop you from marrying her. After all, it’s your life. But I am concerned that she’s not working yet. And the fact that staying in KL these days is expensive. And depending on your income alone, I don’t think it’s enough. And she has got to work on her interaction skills. I want her to work not just for the money, but for the exposure.

Him: [Sighing] Tak taulah Long. Pening kepala dah ni fikir.

Later that night, we had a family discussion. Ayah was controlling the discussion. Ibu couldn’t get her words in. I had to act like a chairperson to make way for Ibu to talk. From Ibu’s face, I know that she doesn’t want my brother to get married to this girl. She was concerned of the fact that the girl wasn’t working and she didn’t want my brother to be burdened on everything. My brother didn’t look too happy. He wanted to get this over and done with, but he also wanted the restu of our parents. He looked even stressed during the discussion. He didn’t say much. I was his sort of spokesperson, so to speak. Finally Ibu just relented and said, “Terpulanglah. Ikut suka hati”. And I know my brother didn’t like that reply. His face was all squeezed up.

So I took charge and said, “Ibu, see his face. He’s all stressed up. Say something that will cheer him up”. Ibu looked at him and didn’t know how to react. She finally suggested something which made my brother a little comfortable. So it was decided. Rather than go with Ayah’s plan i.e. straight away visit them for an engagement, we will visit the family for a ‘berkenalan’ session. To which my brother almost immediately agreed. A first sign of relief. We will see what their side have to say and decide thereon on any engagement or wedding.

So it was decided. We will go to B***** on the 25th to Meet The Parents. And hopefully things will progress from there.

I have to admit that I do not like the idea of them getting married. But after talking to my brother, I could sense his stress level and felt nothing but huge brotherly love for him. And I hate to see him getting all upset. So I have decided to support him with his plans and pray that the marriage will last. I also hope that we wouldn’t face much complication during the engagement or the wedding itself. But most importantly, I want the girl to get a job soon coz I have a feeling that my parents might be receiving another grandchild into this world sometime next year (I don’t think they’re the honey-mooning type, unlike me and Dearest Bie) and I want them to be financially sound for that. I did say that if he’s all married, he must not forget to come back our parents’ place. Jangan asyik nak balik B***** jer. Kesian kat our parents. He just kept quiet.

So there, there is going to be a wedding soon and I just hope that things will work out. Looks like I have to get used to the idea of accepting her as the sister-in-law. All in the name of love for my brother. And that’s only one brother getting married. I wonder how it’ll be for my other two brothers.

Headache

About a few weeks ago, my brother called me. He’s having a headache at the moment because apparently his girlfriend’s parents (and sisters) are making a big issue on when they’re getting hitched. And that’s not all. Her sister is asking for a hantaran worth RM10k.

I could sense the apprehension in his voice. He was stressed. I know for sure that he is not ready for a huge commitment like this. And the fact that the parents and the sisters are constantly nagging him (and of course the girlfriend) is making him mentally tired.

My brother is going to be 29 this year. Although to some people, the age 29 is a very perfect age to get married, I don’t see it that way. After all, it boils back to whether he is ready or not. And that includes mental, physical and of course financial. He has just started work about two years ago. He is not paying rent nor is he paying for anything else (except for his car installment and his student loan) and visiting the girlfriend’s house in Pahang, driving a Proton Waja, may seem ‘wealthy’ enough to the girlfriend’s parents’ eyes. I mean, it’s just a Proton Waja. It’s not even a Honda. But I think the parents think my brother is making big bucks. And since he is still single and all, of course they want to grab him before someone else does.

Now the girlfriend… [sigh]. She is not even 24 yet. She just finished her final degree examination from UiTM. She hasn’t even graduated yet. Her graduation is probably somewhere in the middle of this year. She’s not working. And she is still very young. The thing is, I was the one who introduced them. I mean, how the heck would I know that they would hit it off until today. She was a trainee at my office during her diploma days. She’s pretty. Well, the typical tall, fair and wearing a tudung sort of girl. And when I mentioned that I have a brother who was still single, she did not hesitate to ask me to introduce her to him. And my brother, being a man and all, was eager to be introduced. So I thought, why not. There’s no harm in being friends. So, they became friends for almost a year before they sort of became a couple (well, the girl basically started to pandai merajuk and that’s where my brother got this hint that the girl is looking for something more). So yeah, they went steady UNTIL today. I mean, I didn’t expect it, but that’s what happened.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like her. But I guess when she was a trainee, it felt alright to introduce them because it was quite harmless. I mean, what could come out of it? But now, the thought that she may become my sister-in-law is very… I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t feel like having her as my sister-in-law. There, I’ve said it. I know it’s terrible and that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. But she doesn’t seem to be the sort of girl that I’d like to have as a sister-in-law. Aarrgghh..!! You must think I am such a terrible person. But that is just how I feel at the moment. Of course I can’t say much about my brother. Obviously he is comfortable with her or else he wouldn’t stick with her throughout these 3 years or so.

Now, why is it that I don’t like having her as a sister? My standards are not THAT high. But I’d like someone whom I can discuss things with, intelligently and creatively. I’m not saying that she’s not intelligent. She is quite bright or else she wouldn’t be having a degree. But someone that I can talk with. These days, whenever I talk to her, I have to start first and that, only on issues I think would interest her. Otherwise, she would just laugh it of. She is basically a follower. Sometimes not really having a mind of her own and if you bring her around, her social interaction skills are very minimal. Well, it’s unfair of me to dislike her based on these characteristics. I know.

But I guess the thing which affected my perception of her is what from my brother told me. My brother used to complain that she is very possessive of him and that her life revolves only around him and her studies. In fact, there was a time where she insisted on seeing my brother every day even during her exams. And because of that she flunked her paper. Another thing is that she is jealous of my brother nearly all the time. She gets very upset if my brother goes out with his friends without her. And to make matters worse, there was a time where my brother brought her out with his friends and their respective girlfriends. Of course he knew the girls. So he joked with them and laughed with them. I mean, they’re after all friends. Unfortunately, the girlfriend didn’t see it as that. In the car, she accused my brother of going out with the girlfriends behind her back. And that he seemed at ease and very cozy with his friends’ girlfriends. My brother was mad and had to console her all the way to her college. I mean, what is that? They’re just friends. If he wants to cheat on her, he would have done that a long time ago. But he likes her. So be mentally open and just accept that fact.

There was this time when my brother was away on a week’s course. Of course he met a lot of other girls there. And the girlfriend calls him nearly every time and the one thing that she always said, “Ramai lah perempuan-perempuan kat situ. Jangan nak menggatal”. I mean, what is that?? [sigh]… be a little more open. But somehow, she couldn’t grasp that idea. Whenever my brother tells me these things, I would be the one who naik rimas. I guess I’m not like that so the thought of that girl doing it to my brother makes me a little annoyed.

And now, she is pushing my brother to get married. She still has to repeat one more paper (she flunked in her finals) and is not even working yet. And in addition to the fact that her sister is asking for RM10k, is not really making me accepting to the idea of them getting married. I hate people pushing my brother like that. Like I hate people pushing me. The girlfriend said she didn’t mind adding a few more thousand RM just to add up to RM10k. Well, that’s NOT the point though is it. It’s like as if you want to show off or something. I think it’s ridiculous. And what’s more ridiculous is the fact that her sisters when they got married, got a hantaran between RM3k to RM4k only.

And now my brother is having a headache. I blame him really. He is always going to Pahang during his spare time for the so-called family visit. And the mother adores him very much. Always cooking his favourite dish and never tired of inviting him to stay the night (which my brother never did). And the one piece of advise that the mother gave to her daughter concerning the relationship is somewhat troubling me. She always says, “Dia tinggalkan kau takper. Tapi kau jangan sekali-sekali tinggalkan dia” (translation: It’s ok if he leaves you, but you must never leave him). Isn’t that corny? I know other people see nothing from that statement, but when I have all these perceptions in my head, I begin to think negatively. I mean, why would her mother say that to her? It seems really odd. A mother would advise her son not to fool around with someone’s daughter or don’t do anything to jeopardize anak orang, but, why would her mother advise her like that? See… me and my negative perceptions.

The latest news I heard is that she is pushing to get married on my brother’s birthday. And that is not far off now; 13 July 2007. Absolutely ridiculous. After all, I am still in my confinement on that date. She hasn’t even seen my parents (except for the one time at my house. And that was purely an accident really. My brother was visiting and my parents happen to drop by at the same time). She is not even working at the moment. What, she expects my brother to pay for all after they’re married? Living on just one income in KL these days is just not enough. Unless of course your partner makes a LOT of money, then I guess that would be fine. And considering my brother’s salary, trust me… not enough. Besides, she needs to ‘open her eyes’. Get the feel of working first. I don’t want her to regret anything later, after they’ve got married. Harness her social skills first.

I have a friend who got married when they were students, but when the wife started working, she just realized that her world is actually bigger than what she has been exposed to all these while. They ended up divorced. Now the ex-husband has remarried with a child. I don’t know what happened to the ex-wife though. I don’t want that to happen to my brother. Basically right now, the girlfriend has not been exposed to the outside world. Bear in mind that her world currently revolves around her family, her student life (now no more since she has finished her degree) and my brother. She doesn’t know the ‘taste’ of the real world. She doesn’t know how it feels like to have cash at hand working in a working environment. I want her to experience all these. With that, I don’t mind her getting married to my brother. At least work for a year or two.

I spoke to my brother about it and he mentioned that her objective in life is getting married. She doesn’t have any career aspiration or the desire to improve further or develop. All she knows is that she wants to get married. Come on. Open your eyes first. Have at least a little career aspiration…[sigh]. It’s after all for your own good. It’s depressing when one doesn’t have all that in mind. I mean, she is just 23 years old. This is the time for her to take the opportunity to learn new things. Take on new challenges.

Last weekend, when I was home at my parents for the short break, my brother was also there. He wasn’t his usual self. He was quiet. He didn’t talk much. And he played with my daughter only for a short while. I was worried. My mother was worried. When asked, he just said he has many problems at the moment and that was that. He didn’t elaborate. He was worried about the amount of money that he’s currently making and I also heard from my dearest Bie that he was contemplating on taking a loan. THAT I know for sure has never entered his mind before. My brother is not a spendthrift. In fact, he is a saver and has never borrowed money from anyone (orang pinjam daripada dia, adalah. He’s like a banker coz his friends are always borrowing money from him). So when he is starting to contemplate on taking loans, I worry. I don’t want him to take loans just for the sake of getting married. It reminded me of the Seniman Bujang Lapok movie where a husband was complaining that even though they have four (was it four? Or was it three?) kids, he was still paying for his marriage expenses coz the wife’s mother asked too much when they got married that he had to borrow from a ceti. I don’t want that to happen to him.

So now do you see why I am quite reluctant to accept her as my sister-in-law? I am open for her to get engaged first, for at least a year, then get married. I mean, who am I to stop them from getting married? After all, it’s my brother that she wants. It’s their lives. And if she can make my brother happy, then why not. I’ll support them all the way. But please understand. Please oh please kerja dulu.

My mother is even more difficult. She dislikes the fact that people are pushing her son like that plus the hantaran of RM10k is not really helping in consoling her to the idea of her son getting married to the girl. So at the moment, she dislikes the idea of them getting married altogether. And when she dislikes it, it is difficult to turn her around. Trust me. I had similar problems before I got married to Bie. Luckily my Bie had a ‘selamba’ face and continued to see me and pray that my mother would like him, until that day finally came. And that period in itself took nearly a year and a half.

Oh well. I pray the best for my brother. I want him to be happy and I want him to make the right choices. I just wish his girlfriend would open her eyes first before settling down. After all, I am looking out for my brother’s welfare. I pity him. He feels uncomfortable that the parents are starting to talk. I don’t want him to get hitched because he feels that he has to. When I asked him whether he’s ready mentally, physically and financially, he couldn’t answer me. He said he doesn’t know. And as a sister, that worries me.

No Electricity

As I walked onto the 18th floor of the office this morning, everybody was sitting at the reception area outside. The floor was dark and it was very warm. Apparently, there were some problems with the electricity. Not just our floor, but the entire building. Luckily, I didn’t have to stay long. I had to be at the Crowne Plaza for a signing ceremony (we’re signing an MoU with two very prominent companies in the south of Johor).

When we reached the Crowne Plaza, some of my colleagues were busy setting up the place. Seating arrangement, video placement, reception table, you name it; they were all busy. While waiting for the ceremony to start, I chatted with a few people there. Building my network so to speak. A colleague of mine came up to me and said, “Still no electricity at the office”. I frowned, pitying all my other colleagues. I’m sure you can imagine the warmth of the office if there’s no air-condition.

The ceremony began. The media were ushered to sit in front, while we, the host, sat at the back. The bosses gave a short speech and sat down to sign the agreements. There were a lot of flashes as the cameras flashed away at the scene. About 14 media parties were invited to attend the ceremony. And after that, the press conference. I don’t know why, but most of the questions were directed at my MD. Luckily my MD is good at replying bonus questions and all. So it didn’t seem that bad.

After that, we invited our guests for morning drinks (make it brunch drinks). I called the office, just to see whether the electricity was back on. Unfortunately, it was still blacked out. I sighed thinking of the prospect returning to a very hot and dark office. Luckily, the food was alright. So that took my mind off on the state of the office.

We returned to the office not long after that. It was still dark and by this time, it was very hot. After all, it was already noon. Everybody was sitting near the windows or near the reception area (where there’s light). I joined a few other friends, and would you believe it, I was actually eating still. They’ve opened up a hamper and there were a lot of biscuits and chocolates lying around. I couldn’t help myself. The chocolates were just too good. I was also perspiring (very slowly) and felt a little drowsy (maybe because of the excess food consumption and the warmth of the office). I had wanted to leave the office and go downstairs when suddenly the room was filled with light. YEEESSS..!! The electricity was back on.

So here I am, sitting at my work place, not really wanting to do work and updating the blog instead. I’ll do work afterwards, when I’m in the mood for it.

Road Congestions Stress

I swear that I am going to loose a small strand of my hair every morning and evening from now onwards. I have so far been able to curb my cursing habits (coz I have to control them right? It’s not proper to hear a lady curse and swear all the time… besides, Bie hates it. He VERY rarely curses, so malulah if I curse a lot more than him). But at the rate of the road jams and congestions that I have to endure every morning and evening, I know that I might not be able to break the habit. In fact, I may be falling back into the habit, which is WAY NOT cool.

And this always happen when I am behind the wheel. When I am driving and I see other people driving poorly, example; dengan selamba using the emergency lanes as the normal lanes without feeling any guilt at all, tak bagi signal when you should (coz otherwise, you’ll be menyusahkan orang lain, especially people like me), driving ever so slowly at the fast lane, parking in the middle of the road without feeling any guilt sebab nak gi ATM sekejap ke (especially if it’s a one-lane road and you’re NOT SUPPOSED to park there in the first place), double parking by my car especially when I want to get out of the parking lot (if ada orang in the car then that’s ok, but the fact that there’s no one in the car… THAT pisses me off), driving ever so fast when they actually see me giving a signal to enter the next lane sebab dengki tak kasi I pass through first, masuk parking dengan penuh selamba when I have been waiting and signaling for that parking space way before that selamba car (geram giler, especially if I have been looking for a parking space for about half an hour already), driving very slowly at an accident scene because they want to see the accident (which causes massive jams for more than half an hour… padahal sometimes it’s not even an accident i.e. it could just be a rosak car parked at the side of the road) and the list goes on and on and on…

And whenever I am faced with such predicaments, glorious words and phrases would automatically come out from my mouth. Like yesterday evening. I was on my way to pick Marsya up from Maksu’s place after work. There was this one very stupid lorry parking right smack in the middle of the one lane road causing a terrible jam because all the other cars behind it wanted to pass through, but could not. And the lorry driver dengan muka selamba without feeling guilty was actually in the lorry buat tak tau. I was pissed off. So of course wonderful words come out from my mouth. The first being “idiot”, the next being “f$@#&^g b!@%!^d” and others being, “bloody hell”. I know I shouldn’t be saying it, what with being pregnant and all (I shouldn’t be teaching those words to my unborn baby) but you know what they say about a pregnant lady… the temper is just so very short that you shouldn’t mess with them when that happens.

And this morning, as I was making my way down the Istana Negara road to enter into Federal Highway, I realized that I was entering a terrible jam. I was surprised. It was 7.00am and at that time, there is NEVER a jam upon entering Federal Highway. But this morning, it was terrible. So of course I muttered a few wonderful phrases under my breath. I couldn’t help it. I was mad. I thought there might be an accident or something near the Chinese girls’ school. Apparently, no accident. Ada bas (rosak ke apa ke, I don’t know) parked by the side of the road but somehow taking space as well in the third lane (the slow lane) causing all the cars to go slow thus causing the terrible jam. When I passed by the bus, I could see the driver standing outside of the bus seeming oblivious to the jam that its bus was causing. With no consideration at all.

All these make me stressed up. And of course the nice words come out. I try not to curse, I really do. But sometimes, when a moron is doing something that makes your blood boils, I just can’t help it. They just come out. Oh God help me. I want to stop cursing these nice words. I guess I can substitute them with other nicer words, but somehow it’s not the same. The satisfaction is not the same. I even talked to myself, asking myself to be more patient. Well, sometimes it works but when the situation is just too much, it rarely works. Tension lah macam nie. Am I the only one like this behind the wheel? Does anyone else face the same problem? Do share with me on how to curb this terrible habit. I really need to control myself.

The Break That Wasn’t

I took leave last Friday as Thursday was a public holiday. So that gave me a good four days of rest. Or was it?

I thought I was going to get a good rest. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I did spend time with my daughter (loved those moments) and my parents. But my brothers weren’t around. And on Friday, my dearest Bie went to JB on a business trip. He got back late Saturday.

Somehow I was looking forward to spend the long weekend at my parents’ but when I am there, I felt emotionally drained. I felt tired. I don’t know where the source of the tiredness is. It could be physical (I doubt so much on that) or it could be mental. I don’t know. But somehow, the long weekend didn’t feel like a break at all. I mean, what did I just do? I went to JJ in S2 on Thursday. I had lunch with my Ayah. My Ibu wasn’t around. I think she went to Malacca a few days before and hadn’t reached home yet. I bought a few maternity pants there and had lunch at Secret Recipe. Later that night, we had dinner outside; the whole family and it wasn’t a satisfactory dinner because the ‘kedai’ was late with our food.

The next day, we had brunch at McDonald and a friend picked Bie up while on his way to JB. So I was left with my daughter. We went to Acik’s house for a visit then got back to the house, rested for a while and had a really late lunch. Ibu was off again doing her personal matter while Ayah had appointment outside. I was left with Marsya alone in the house. Luckily she slept quite early that day. So I took the opportunity to see The Devil Wears Prada. Quite a good movie. I liked it.

The next day was just like any other day. Ayah asked me to accompany him to Giant to buy some household products. Ibu had to go to Malacca again. When we got home, Ibu was already home, cooking lunch. And the evening was just like any other evening. Bie came back also with a tired look on his face. He had some really big issues which needed to be thrashed out. He discussed them with me. That left me feeling somewhat disoriented.

By Sunday, I felt REALLY tired. By this time, physically AND mentally. I wish I had gone somewhere. But no, I didn’t. I need to spend some time alone at a new place. Well, not exactly alone, but with my loved ones. I don’t wish to dwell on this but I do. And when I think about it further, I become more tired. I pity my little one; both the one in front of me and the one inside my belly. My baby does not need to feel all the stress that I am facing right now. Do you think it’ll feel MY stress? I hope not. Kalau tak, kesian dia… pening. I was so tired and stressed yesterday that I snapped at my dearest Bie. I couldn’t help it. So yeah, I was mad at him and he was mad at me. We tried to keep quiet about it (after the stressed snapping moment); him entertaining his mind, I suppose while I gained my composure. I can’t help it. When I’m tired, I do that a lot. I know that Bie was tired also as he just got back from JB, but I just couldn’t help myself. I was on the verge of loosing it yesterday [sigh]. I hate it.

Today is a start of a new week. I’ll have to make it up to Bie tonight. Well, I have apologized. I sent him a text message saying I was sorry. So tonight, I’ll do it verbally. We both didn’t bring up the subject after that awkward moment yesterday but I know that deep at the bottom of my heart, we have to talk about it. Get it out in the open. I’ll do it tonight; definitely. We were both tired and I guess yesterday was the peak of it.

Letihnya…

Feeling Insecure

Last week, I met up with an old friend. A friend who would have been family if she had gotten married to my brother-in-law. But tulah, jodoh di tangan Allah. Who are we to say anything about it, right? Well, she’s now married to an engineer and has just recently been blessed with a baby, who is now four months old.

She has ‘expanded’ since the last time I saw her. Well, she used to be an ‘S’ size and now she’s an ‘XL’. And she was really resenting it. I hope I would be able to shed a lot of kg’s after I give birth come this May. I really hope so. It’s really scary if the weight doesn’t want to depart from me. Well, that’s another story.

She looked good, happy to be a mother. So we talked. Among the things that we touched upon was the feeling of insecurity. She claimed that these days she feels a bit insecure and is always accusing her husband of unnecessary things. She feels terrible that now she has gained a lot of weight and can’t help feeling that her husband may not look at her the same way he did before she gave birth. Of course I told her not to be silly and that her husband still loves and adores her.

She looked at me and asked, “Do you feel that? Do you feel insecure?” I thought about it for a while. Hhhmm… me? Insecure? I don’t know. I have not thought about it thoroughly. I have always wondered whether I have ever felt insecure, after having my baby and all… I don’t know. I looked at her and just shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t think so. Well, not to the extent that I feel overly jealous and start forming negative images in my head”. And she was surprised. “Never?” and I said, “No lah rasanya”. And I let my respond sink in my head.

She felt bad about feeling jealous but she just couldn’t help it. I feel terrible for her. Currently I am blessed that I haven’t felt the insecurity that she was talking about. I mean, yeah sometimes the feeling sort of appear out of nowhere, but it quickly diminishes into thin air. It is after all not a good feeling. And I feel that we shouldn’t harbor such feeling if we want to have a prosperous marriage (of course until after your husband back stabs you, then you have EVERY right to harbor whatever feeling imaginable… it is after all a privilege, because once burnt, trust me, a person never forgets easily and having the same trust and loyalty can be very, very difficult. I have seen it happened too many times).

So later at home, I asked my Dearest Bie whether he thinks I’m insecure. He thought carefully about it and said, “Sometimes I see you feeling insecure. But most of the time, you are more secure than you are insecure”. I kept quiet. So, I have portrayed a feeling of insecure, eh? Hhmmm… definitely need to work on that. I mean, I don’t think I have ever felt insecure. I let him go out with his friends, go singing at karaoke centres while entertaining his clients, or have dinners outside and will only call him if it’s REALLY necessary. But he’s the husband. He’s my partner. So I’m sure he has plenty of time to observe me.

Well, whatever it is, I will try to work on whatever little insecurity I have. I don’t think it’s good. So, we’ll see how it goes, eh…?

What Do Women Want

I was listening to Traffic on Trexx FM a day before yesterday. Trexx FM is lead by two talkative deejays; Round H and DD. I enjoy their show very much. I used to enjoy the morning show as well but since Scam B left the show, I rarely listen to it anymore. But Traffic, I still do listen to it.

Anyway, they were discussing a very interesting topic; What Do Women Want. Apparently, DD doesn’t have a girlfriend and he is wondering where he had gone wrong. In his head, women are just into the money. As long as the guy is rich, then women would be falling on to him like rocks. But most of the times, he thinks that women DO NOT really know what they want. So, he asked the listeners to call in to give their views. There were several women callers and there were also men callers. And when Round H asked the women to choose between guys who are financially secure and have good sense of humour, nearly all of the women opted for financially secure. I mean, why shouldn’t they, right? Of course DD made an issue out of it, saying that women these days are materialistic. I totally disagreed with him and proceeded to call.

I got through and managed to talk to them.

Round H : So, what do women want?

Me : Basically, three things. A man who is committed to the relationship and that means no sleeping around or have affairs with anyone. Then a man who is financially secured…

DD : You mean, blank cheque book, a lot of cash… that sort of thing.

Me : Why is it, whenever a woman mentions about financially secure, you men think we’re materialistic. Financially secured does not mean that. Things are not cheap these days. The guys must at least have enough money to provide for his family.

Round H : Especially if you have kids and all.

DD : Yeah, yeah… (mockingly)

Me : That’s right. And the third one, the guy must at least be a little funny. Women like it if their guys have a good sense of homour.

DD : So you married a clown?

Me : No. My husband is not a clown. But he can be funny when he wants to. Maybe not to everyone else, but at least to me.

Round H : DD, stop it. If she likes her guy to be funny, then let it be. This applies differently to all couples. I can’t help to notice though that the good sense of homour bit comes in last. Why can’t you put that as the second one?

Me : Well, it doesn’t really matter where you have it, as long as it is in the list.

DD : See Round H. Women are only into the money. They only like guys who are rich. No money, no girl.

Round H : And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend till today. You’ve got to understand first what a woman really wants, then you’ll get a girlfriend.

DD : Who is sitting next to you?

Me : My husband.

Both deejays stifled a laugh and said bye.

After I hung up, I listened to the comments made by the deejays. DD was saying, “No wonder she can get all the three things that she wants. She has full control of her husband. She controls her husband”, to which Round H replied, “Maybe”.

I resented that, of course. But who cares. At least I made my point on national radio. I think I spoke for nearly all women out there as to the criteria that they want in their men. But I’m sure though that there a lot more than the three basic ones I have listed.

So friends, what do you think a woman really wants from a man?

Ewan McGregor Sexy

I never realized how sexy Ewan is. Yes, I have seen him in loads of movies. I’m not exactly a fan, but if the reviews are great, I would just go and see it. I mean, who could not have seen Star Wars Episode I to III. He was a master Jedi. He was Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then there was Moulin Rouge where he acted next to Nicole Kidman. I didn’t know he could sing until after I watched the movie. But of course, I prefer him as an actor to a singer. Then Trainspotting; the movie that brought him his fame. But I didn’t like him in the movie. He was a junkie; skinny and not good looking at all. Then there’s Big Fish, and what’s that movie he acted with Renee, where he was a ‘hot’ journalist for a man’s magazine? Gosh, I can’t remember. But, he was cute in Lifeless Ordinary though. Cute, but not sexy.

Last night, I had the opportunity to see The Island on HBO. I wanted to catch it when it was screened on theatres, but having a small baby at the time and not having a maid, not to mention that I wasn’t really a big fan (unless if it’s Keanu Reeves or something), I didn’t feel regret for not catching it on the big screen. So when it was shown on HBO last night, I thought, why not. I have always wanted to see The Island anyway.

And man… was I in for a surprise. I have never seen Ewan does an action flick before. His past movies were not so action-packed. Yes of course as a master Jedi you have to be really good with the lightsaber, but to me, it wasn’t action-packed enough. In The Island, he suddenly became very sexy to me. His body, his voice (and the faint Scots’ accent), his tolerance for pain (you know, all the jumping and the running, not to mention the bike ride and the cuts and bruises he had on his face), there were all suddenly very eye-catching to me. All of a sudden, I see him as very sexy and I have to admit; I LIKE him. And I really like him as Lincoln 6 Echo. He was a … man. A macho one at that. Call me silly, but yes, I woke up this morning, thinking of him. Hehehe…

So yes, I would like to see him in action flicks in the future. But so far, the movies that he is doing (or will be doing) aren’t so much of that. We will see him next in Miss Potter next to Renee. I don’t know the synopsis, but I guess he will be playing Renee’s love interest. Oh well, at least I now know that Ewan can be VERY sexy and that appeals to me, VERY much.

Marsya Hazirah is Two Today..!!

My daughter turned two at exactly 10.06 am today. I am so happy for her. She is the best that could have ever happened to me, so far and I love her very much. I can’t believe that she is finally two years old. She is no longer a baby. She is now a toddler. And if we’re to go on the AirAsia, we will have to start paying for her seat.

Gosh, time really flies when you’re happy and all. I remember when she was given to me by the doctor at the labour room. I didn’t even look at her face. I saw her you know what which tells the whole world that the baby’s a girl. But I was too tired to even hold her or kiss her cheeks. After Bie recited the azan in her ears, which I faintly heard, I was carried to the ward to rest. I didn’t ask for her, nor was I excited to hold her. All I wanted at that time was rest and go to sleep. In fact, I couldn’t even open my eyes.

Marsya was put in a crib and placed next to me. One after the other picked her up, kissing her, hugging her. But I didn’t care. Phones were ringing and wishes of congratulations were relayed. But I didn’t bother. Don’t these people understand, I just want to sleep. Let me be in peace. When they noticed that I had dozed to sleep, then did they realize that I was tired. So the nurse took Marsya and placed her with all the other babies, while I took my rest.

It was not until evening that I asked my dearest Bie for Marsya. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and count the fingers on her hands and feet, but most importantly, I wanted to introduce myself to her as the mother that gave birth to her. The nurse placed her in my arms. I had to admit that I felt a little awkward as I wasn’t used to holding a newborn baby. But I managed anyway. The nurse asked me to try and breastfeed her, which I did. Surprisingly, Marsya was good at that. She managed to feed on the breast milk like as if she was born just to do that.

I felt very happy. I hugged her to my bosom, never wanting to let her go. I promised to love and cherish her for as long as I have life in my body. I vowed to bring her up as my mother did me and prayed that she’ll be a good daughter and a good Moslem throughout her whole entire life.

I still hug her these days. The fact that I now have a baby bump does not stop me from loving her as I did on the day that she was born. And there are just no words that can describe my love for her.

Happy 4th Anniversary Bie..!!

Our anniversary was actually on the 27th of December but because of the internet disruption which happened on that day, I couldn’t upload this particular update. But no worries, I’m doing it now.

I can’t believe that I have been married to my dearest Bie for four years now. It seems like we’ve only been married, I don’t know… for about two years, or probably less than that? Hmm… I don’t know. But as I am now carrying our second child, and Marsya is nearly approaching two, four years is more realistic compared to two years.

Let’s see, what have we done during our four years of marriage? Well, the most prominent one is that we’re going to have an additional family member soon, Insya-Allah. On top of that, we already have a wonderful daughter who is currently very mischievous and wouldn’t take no for an answer, to anything that she wants. I hope she wouldn’t grow up to be a spoilt brat. I’d hate for that to happen. Anyway, we have already bought a place. Although it’s not a lavish bungalow or a spacious villa, but the fourth floor of a low dense condo somewhere in Ulu Kelang is just as comfortable.

I still drive my metallic 1.3 Proton Wira. I bought the car five years ago and till this day, Alhamdulillah, it is still very much reliable, albeit the dent and rust here and there. Talks to replace Suzie (as I named the car) are always ignored (by me, especially). Bie still drives his kembara.

We haven’t had any major fight, except for those days when we still stayed at his parents. Those fights were really quite harmless. I was the emotional one because at that time I was pregnant with Marsya. But that didn’t stop me from spending a night at a friend’s house, just so that I can regain my composure as I felt like a heart-pouring session with a dear friend. Bie was the one who sent me to Cyberjaya that night. Arguments here and there along our four years’ journey together were inevitable. That’s after all parts and parcel of being in a marriage. But I am thankful that he is a very patient man. My mouth can be very terrible sometimes; things that come out from it are just sometimes things that people do not like to hear. And Bie has been very patient about that. He helps around the house like sweeping or mopping the floor and bathing Marsya or cleaning her poo-poo when necessary.

I have been very tolerant of him seeing his friends till late at night (so far). The green monster has not yet caught up with me, to whisper gossips and put colourful ideas in my head. So far that is. Let’s hope that this’ll remain for as long as I can endure. I hate to be jealous of him unnecessarily. I don’t think it’s healthy for our relationship. But I also hope that he will not take my open-mindedness for a ride. So, please pray that if in the event fate decides that something hanky-panky does happen, I’ll be the first to know. BUT, I hope that we’ll stay true to our marriage vows and that nothing funny will happen and that we’ll be happy forever (Insya-Allah…).

We both still love to ‘kacau’ each other and ended up laughing in the end. He would make faces at me, and I would jump out at him behind closed doors or closed curtains. The shocking look that I got from him is priceless. He also did this to me once, but instead of laughing hard he had to console me instead because I was really traumatized by the incident. I smiled just thinking about it.

Funny isn’t it. Four years seemed like an eternity for some people, but to us, Alhamdulillah, it doesn’t feel that long.

I met Bie during my university days, at a society’s meeting to be exact during the selection of candidates to replace the old committee. I didn’t really like him when I first saw him. He had long hair. Seemed cool enough and looked like a rebel. He liked music (still does) and his preference was the rock genre or what he fondly calls, the ‘seattle-sound music’. I thought he was really a rocker then, but when I went to his place with all my other friends for one of our society’s meetings, I found out that he liked Mariah Carey as well. “Huh, some rocker”.

Though I sort of disliked him, he seemed to always be around. At the movies, during traveling around the UK (my housemates liked hanging out with him because he could drive). So when we traveled to Scotland, he was our designated tour cum driver (because he had been staying in the UK for three years before we came). And when we had our Malaysian Night, he was somehow part of the production as one of the actors and as I myself was very fond of theatres and acting, I was also part of the Raja Bersiong production. From thereon, we would always go back together; he would send me home first because practice session finished after dark. So we would walk along Richardson Road, past the playing field towards Dilston Road where I stayed. And I never had a clue that he actually liked me. He never showed me the signs. I thought he was just being nice.

He was everywhere. Well, not exactly everywhere, but wherever I was, he was always there with me. On Valentine’s Day in 1998, I had a movie date with a friend. He was supposed to go home but my date invited him to the movie as well because all his other friends were also joining us. He accepted the invitation and after the movie date, he insisted on sending me home. My date wanted to send me home, but I told him that my house and his was completely the opposite direction and since my house and Bie’s was after all, one way, it would be more logical for Bie to send me home. My date agreed and promised to call me, first thing in the morning.

A few days after that, when I met Bie, he was very agitated. I sensed that he was nervous but I didn’t know what it was about. He kept on asking me whether I have gone to the Trinity Building (where we could check our emails) and I felt weird as to why he was asking me such question. But I ignored him. And that day, whenever I tried walking with my Valentine’s date to visit the hall where we were supposed to hold our dinner in conjunction with the Malaysian Night, Bie always managed to walk beside me, leaving my date trailing behind or walking with some other friends.

The next day, I think, I went to check my emails and was very surprised to find an email from a secret admirer saying that he liked me. Apparently the first email was sent much earlier and the one that I was reading was a subsequent to the first email. I thought it was my date. But my friends insisted that the email was from Bie. They knew this by his IP property or something, which I was so not familiar with. I refused to believe them because he had never shown interest in me before. The next day, I received another email saying that he (clearly putting his name down now) wanted to see me after school as he had something important to say.

I was a nervous wreck. I told my housemates about it and they laughed at me and were very surprised themselves because none of them saw it coming. And that day, 17th February 1998, he confessed that he liked me. His face was all blushing when he told me. He in fact covered his mouth as he was saying, “I suka kat you”. And I didn’t know why, but I agreed when he asked me to go steady. I mean, I thought I didn’t like him. That was something I had never done in the past before. I had guys wanting me to be their steadies, but I don’t know… somehow it wasn’t appealing enough.

And the rest was just history. And yes, everyone was surprised that I was going steady with Bie. And as for my Valentine’s date, he was very upset. He didn’t talk to Bie for several months after that. He even avoided me. His friends told me that he was emotionally upset. I didn’t know what to do. After all, the Malay community in Newcastle wasn’t very large, and of course we were bound to bump into each other. But of course later, they became friends again.

We got engaged on 17th February 2002 and on 27th December 2002, we got married. The wedding reception itself was done the next day at my parents’ place, whereas Bie’s side of the reception was done the following day.

There was a lot of stuff happening prior to our marriage. I even wanted to postpone the wedding because I felt that I wasn’t ready to be married. Bie had to console me and assured me that I was getting cold feet. My mother was frantic and told my aunt to talk to me, you know, sort of a slow-talk session with me. But the historical day came, and I was married after Maghrib. In fact, I was still unsure of myself and the marriage minutes before the wedding (but I liked the fact that I was dressed up and looking nice). You know, like whether I was doing the right thing and all. But the minute the akad nikah was completed, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulder and my shoulder felt so light. I felt very, very happy. I even shed a few tears, very happy at being Mrs Bie. I knew I made the right choice and that I don’t think I would have wanted to get married if not to Bie.

So now, we’ve been married for four years. I cherish the four years we are together. I love him very much and I love my daughter who currently has his looks (if you look at her closely, especially when she’s asleep) very much. I am grateful to Allah for giving him as my jodoh and I truly hope that we will have a blessed marriage throughout our entire lives. Yes, there will probably be glitches along the way and if not taken care of, could lead to the inevitable, but I pray that, that wouldn’t happen. I pray that we will be together as husband and wife, dunia and akhirat, Insya Allah.

HAPPY FOURTH ANNIVERSARY, MY DEAREST BIE…

No Rest For Me

On Christmas Day, I woke up to find my daughter already awaken. She was sitting next to me, smiling from ear to ear hoping that I would pick her up and ‘gomol’ her. I did just that and soon after she was laughing hard. My dearest Bie soon joined in the ‘gomol’ session and her sweet laughter filled the room.

Since it was a holiday, we decided to go to McDonald for breakfast. Then my mother-in-law called saying that she wanted to have lunch at our house. Shucks, what was I going to cook? I couldn’t stand the smell of cooking, so I thought after breakfast, we’d buy some ready-made ‘lauk’ from Siantan.

When we reached McDonald, Marsya was all eager to play the kids’ slide. So I had to entertain her for a while before eating my fish platter. After breakfast, she insisted to go back on the slides. Well, this time around, Bie took her. Marsya was excited. And as usual, she didn’t want to leave when it was time to go. I had to coax gently into leaving, telling her that we’d meet Ronald outside. Imagine that, I had to play a psychology game with a barely two year old child.

My parents-in-law were already at the house when we were at Siantan. Apparently, they also bought some dishes. So Bie cooked the rice, and mak prepared the dishes; re-heating whatever necessary and preparing the table. What to do, I still couldn’t stand the smell of my own kitchen. I on the other hand, was dealing with the laundry (which was a lot considering we have the habit of leaving a mountain of dirty clothes to be washed over the weekend that we don’t go back to Seremban); hanging them outside, picking up the dry ones to be folded, etc, etc. It was a lot. Luckily it didn’t rain yesterday.

After my in-laws left and Bie was taking his afternoon nap, I felt extra ‘rajin’. So, while Marsya was watching The Wiggles on Disney Playhouse, I filled in the bucket with warm water and started wiping the dust on the TV cabinet, the glass cabinet, the separator cabinet (with all the picture frames), the TV shelf in my room and all the CDs. I have to admit that the TV shelf and the CDs were the most challenging. The dust was, I don’t know… about an inch thick..!! So embarrassed to say so, but yes! I haven’t been able to clean the shelf up and throughout my ‘mabuk’ period, I have not been lifting a finger on the welfare of the house. I finished at about 4pm and my back was killing me. Then, I cleaned the bathroom; not thoroughly as that is Bie’s job, but at least clean enough so that I feel nice taking a shower or doing any business there.

At about 5.30pm, my daughter woke up, and she was throwing tantrum about wanting to take a dip in the pool. She was clinging to her float throughout the house and was also sitting down at the balcony watching some kids playing in the pool. I couldn’t stomach her longing face so at 6pm, we all went down to the pool; me and Marsya in the pool, while Bie sat at the edge of the pool watching us. I did a little swimming, so that was good. A little exercise wouldn’t hurt. When it was time to go, Marsya was screaming and wailing. As usual, she didn’t want to leave the pool. Luckily Bie was there to carry her so we quickly walked out of the pool area and straight into the house.

After feeding her for dinner and a shower, I felt ‘rajin’ still, so I asked Bie whether he had any shirts to be pressed. So of course, he gave me a week’s of shirts to be pressed. Considering that I had my own set of clothes to be pressed, you can imagine how long I was at the ironing board last night. I stopped for a while for dinner and as my back was hurting again, I rested with Marsya while watching Peter Pan on TV. Then, I continued the task and finished at about 12.15am.

I cleaned up and proceeded to go to sleep. So I took Marsya, who was still not asleep at the time, and laid her next to me. I recited the usual surahs in her ears and played with her hair. Not long after, she was asleep, hugging me (it was a nice feeling – I love it when she falls asleep next to me like that). I looked at the clock. It was already 1am. But the funny part was that, I couldn’t sleep. I tried shutting my eyes to go to sleep. But still I couldn’t sleep. Shucks, I guess that was the price I had to pay for being extra ‘rajin’. Too bad. No rest for me.

Family Day at A’ Famosa

Last weekend, the company organized a Family Day at A’ Famosa in Malacca. The telematch was supposed to start at 10.00am but since my name is not even in the list for the telematch games, I thought, why bother coming early. I might as well come in time for lunch. So, that’s just what I did. We reached A’ Famosa at about noon, just in time for lunch.

The food was crappy. I had vegetables only. The rest, trust me, was NOT appealing enough. Marsya was all excited to enter into the pool. We were after all at the Water World. So, not long, I changed Marsya into her swimming attire and I walked with her into one of the kid’s pool. She was excited. She was laughing and pretending to be swimming. I held her hand and walked with her around the pool. She wanted to go onto one of the slides, but there were so many big kids around and these kids were so excited playing that I was sure that they wouldn’t realize a two-year old was trying to make down the slide. So, I talked her out of it. Luckily she was ok with it. Suddenly, I saw something floating in the water. It was not a pleasant sight. So I quickly picked Marsya up and brought her out of the water. She was furious. She kicked, she screamed and she wailed; very upset that I was cutting short her swimming time. I tried to tell her that we were going to another pool, but she wouldn’t listen. Tears were streaming down her face. Too upset at what I did to her. But then, she caught sight of the other pool. She stopped crying and walked eagerly to the other kid’s pool. I was relieved.

She had a good time at the second pool as well. And when I coaxed her into leaving telling her that we were going to another pool i.e. the whirl pool, she easily stood up, walked out of the pool and put her slippers on. The tantrums that were shown at the first pool were not there at all. Bie smiled at me definitely at the thought of Marsya’s antics.

Marsya enjoyed the whirl pool best. First there was the sandy beach, and then there were the man-made waves. She liked the waves very much. She sat at the edge of the pool while waiting for the waves to catch on to her. She spluttered all right when water got into her mouth and nose, but that did not budge her. She continued to sit and enjoy the waves as the waves knocked against her small body. She even made a friend (another toddler) who sat next to her enjoying the waves. It was fun looking at her. She liked the water so much. She was laughing, smiling and making all sorts of noises. She was a beautiful sight to look at.

However, dragging her out of the whirl pool wasn’t easy. She refused to leave the whirl pool. When I tried to pick her up, she dropped her body down into a sleeping position and let the water seep through her hair while allowing her body to float in the water. I spent about half an hour trying to get her out of the whirl pool. But when I finally did, she didn’t throw anymore tantrums. There was no wailing. Lucky me. Mind you, all this time, Bie was watching out for us at the sandy beach. He’s not much of a water person. So he left all the water-entertaining-Marsya time, to me.

I was tired when I walked out of the whirl pool. So we changed very quickly then sought to get the keys to our room (which we got quite late, thanks to the committee… just don’t get me started on that). The minute we got into the car, rain came down, very heavily. Thank goodness that we were already heading to our room.

D’Savoy was very nice. The studio apartment we stayed in was very cozy. I liked it very much. Most of the utensils and furniture were new. We rested for about an hour and a half (Marsya was really tired after the swimming) before getting ready for the dinner that night.

The dinner was held at the cowboy town. The theme was glitz. I was wearing a spaghetti glittered dress, courtesy of a dear friend who nicely loaned the dress to me and of course a pink shawl to cover the areas that were supposed to be covered. We created quite a racquet over at our table because everyone was dressed very nicely.

The food was horrible. I didn’t like it and couldn’t eat much. The performances were so-so. Our performance won second place. I was quite disappointed as I was hoping to get first. After all, our performance had all the right ingredients and the appropriate messages. I guess the judge was being a bit biased (that’s me, resenting the decision).

After dinner, we got back to our apartment and not long after that we were fast asleep.

The next day after breakfast, we went to the Safari World. Marsya enjoyed the animals very much. She was eager to see the animals, but when we got close to them, she screamed because she was also frightened of them. She liked the elephant and the birds. When we went for our safari truck ride, Marsya couldn’t sit down. She was forever standing up, pointing to all the animals that she saw. She particularly liked the elephant, tiger, bear, horse and giraffe. It was fun seeing all these animals through her eyes. Bie and I decided to take her to the zoo one day as she is already beginning to appreciate these animals.

It was already noon when we left the Safari World. After we checked out, we headed back home. I guess the trip was a bit overwhelming for Marsya, because not long after that, she was fast asleep. I looked at her sleeping. She looked like an angel. I smiled remembering her antics at the Water World and the Safari. And I thought to myself, “The trip wouldn’t have been as much fun if I hadn’t seen it through my daughter’s eyes”. In fact, it was the only thing that made the Family Day memorable for Bie and me.

Will post picture soon.

The Unforgettable Me

Last night, as I was packing my clothes for the Family Day (my company is organizing the Family Day at A Famosa for the weekend), whilst ensuring that I had my glittering dress packed carefully (for the dinner tomorrow night) I switched on the radio. The radio was kind a boring, so I resorted to look for interesting CDs that I can listen to; something soothing to the ear. But none of the CDs were interesting enough. So I dug into my collection looking for the perfect music to listen to, and I caught sight of a red cover CD. I held it in my hand and without realizing it, there was a huge smile on my face.

The front cover of the CD was none other than me, wearing my frameless spectacle, looking very nice and proper. Well, to my eyes at least.

I quickly put the CD on the player and listened to the first track. It was a Billy Joel song. I can’t remember the title, coz there were a few Billy Joel’s songs in the CD. I think it was She’s Got A Way, or was it something else. Gosh, I can’t remember, but I know for sure that it was a Billy Joel’s. I liked it. The songs in the CD were so soothing and nice. The best have got to be Jordan Hill’s Remember Me This Way. I love the song very much and I like the lyric. Here, let me share it with you.

Every now and then

We find a special friend

Who never lets us down

Who understands it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see

The love you bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know that you'll be there

Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere

I'll always careI'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

And I won't ever leave

As long as you believe

You just believe

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

The CD was made by a dear, dear friend. She actually made the CD for each and everyone of us Gurls. She spent a huge amount of her time selecting the songs which represented each and every one of us and compiled them into a CD. So the CDs contained a variety of songs, each different from one another. I feel touched that she took the effort to do such a CD. One can just go and purchase a CD at the shop, but she didn’t. She painstakingly chose each song for the CD and did a cover with our faces on it! The efforts spent on doing them alone are just so huge, and priceless. Well one thing’s for sure, you wouldn’t be able to find such CD with such collection of songs at the shop. Now that in itself is invaluable.

To Pah, thank you very much. I treasure the CD and will always cherish the friendship we have. Therefore, now I AM dedicating Jordan Hill's Remember Me This Way to you. Remember me this way, forever, ok... [hugs].

He Deserves Death

I read in the paper today about the former bus driver Hanafi Mat Hassan who will face the death penalty for the rape and murder of Noor Suzaily Mukhtar, an IT engineer, in 2000 at the then Bukit Tinggi housing project, after he failed to get an appeal to reduce his sentence. Honestly, I am very happy that the five judges who sat on the panel at the Federal Court unanimously maintained the death sentence. After all, I think Hanafi deserves the death sentence, after what he brutally did to Noor Suzaily. But the funny part was that, Hanafi was upset and tried to kick the reporters and photographers outside the courtroom. After what he did to Noor Suzaily..!!? Come on. He should have thought of that way, way ahead before he decided to rape and murder her.

I was only 24 when I read in the news about a half-naked body found, still clad with a head-dress, strangled to death by the side of the road near a new isolated project development. The victim was believed to have been strangled, raped, sodomised with something hard and had bruises all over her body. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that such a crime could be committed in Malaysia; harmless Malaysia. This is of course very untrue because over the subsequent years, we hear many more rape and murder cases like Canny Ong and 10-year old Nurul Huda Abdul Ghani in Gelang Patah, Johor (I cried when I read about her. Her assailants should die a slow and painful death).

I was sad. Sad that Noor Suzaily was treated in such manner. She was engaged and was supposed to get married soon. She had a family who loved her and a promising career in IT-related field. I assumed she just recently graduated like me as she was young when she died. After that, I read witnesses’ claims that they saw the bus sped past them and that the bus didn’t stop for any passenger. A motorist (I think it was) even claimed that he saw a woman knocking on the window of the bus, obviously looking very scared and panicky at the possible turn of event. The motorist even tried to follow the bus, but was soon out of range and lost sight. The bus was driven very fast. It didn’t stop at the supposedly intended bus stops. And that sealed the fate of the woman on the bus. That was the day that Noor Suzaily died.

I don’t dispute at the fact that we all die at some point or another, but I curse those who take these people’s lives brutally like as if these people are some helpless creatures and can be treated in any manner as pleased. And I applaud that the people who committed these crimes gets a death penalty which is only fair considering that the victims also passed on after the terrible ordeal that they faced.

So yes, I pray that these vicious and thoughtless predators be given the death sentence. Who am I to say that, I know, but after the terrible crime that they’ve committed, they deserve to die.

As for Noor Suzaily, Nurul Huda and Canny Ong, I pray that Allah place them with the righteous, and may they get the best place in Akhirat. Al-Fatihah.

Wacky Lunch

Last Friday, all the girls at the office (well not all the girls, but there were about eleven of us) went to the Bangsar Shopping Complex for a karaoke session. It was cool. It has been such a long time since we did anything wacky as that. After all, I have been sick. At first I didn’t want to go because I was afraid that I’d vomit. Yes the karaoke centre provided buffet lunch, but I was skeptical at whether I could eat it because I am very selective of my food these days. But I went anyway and oh man…!! Was I glad that I went.

The food was alright, nothing to shout about. I managed to eat some of them. But if given the choice, I don’t think I’d like to repeat the menu. Not that appetizing. But the singing session was the best. Here we were, ages ranging from 23 to 39 having a blast of a time singing their hearts out during the Friday lunch.

You’d be surprised at the number of the male species at the karaoke centre. Without the slightest embarrassment (as it was a Friday and all other males that we know were at the mosque), they too were hanging out at the centre, eating and singing; practically having a good time. Some of them were even wearing baju melayu. So unbecoming. Anyhow, that’s between them and God. After all, we’re not all that innocent anyway.

I managed to sing a few songs. I even danced while singing. I forgot that I am pregnant and that I am still not over my sickness. The others clapped and cheered while I sang. Please bear in mind that I love singing (though I know that I’m not THAT good, but who cares, after all, it’s just for fun) and I haven’t been to a karaoke centre for ages. So what opportunity I had, I utilized it to the max.

The last song that we sang before we headed back to the office was “Bagaikan Puteri” by Farah. It was a happy number and I managed to make everyone stood up and danced and sang with me. It was fun. The room was noisy with our singing and dancing. I had to admit that I was quite ‘semput’ by the end of the song. So were the others. But there were just so much fun that everybody continued to dance and sing. That was the best finale.

We reached the office quite late; about a quarter past three. Luckily my boss was in a meeting. So he didn’t know what time I entered into the office.

It was fun and I really would like to do it again.

It’s Been A Long Time… Again

Raya tahun ni memang rasa macam tak raya lah. I didn’t go anywhere at all. All the open house invites had to be ignored. I didn’t have any appetite at all. Nak minum air pun tak lalu. Pasal bulan puasa, well… I tried to fast for as long as I could but somehow, my body got the best of me. I missed 21 days. Pengsan nak ganti balik tu. But even when I didn’t fast, I couldn’t eat anything. My morning sickness (or daily sickness as I prefer to call it) was terrible. I was just like a bag of lead, baring jer biler tak bermaya. And I only came to the office whenever I felt like it. Asyik MC jer. Rasa tak larat, pergi baring kat surau. Kadang-kadang tu, rasa nak crawl under the table and lie down. Luckily Boss Kecik faham. Him having a pregnant wife as we speak. So he didn’t pressure me too much. I was weak. Sampai jer office, terus masuk toilet and vomit. It was terrible. I lost weight. Quite a lot (I liked it actually). Dah tak lalu makan, nak buat macamana. It’s not like as if I was on a crash diet or something. I couldn’t eat..!!

Kasihan my daughter. During the period which I couldn’t take care of her, I sent her to stay with my aunty. Maksu baby-sits her anyway. Sebab, if I’m not eating, she also wouldn’t be eating. And I don’t want her to suffer on my account. It’s better that she stayed with Maksu. She has friends there and is also well-fed. Biler orang tanya, “Marsya mana?”. My dearest Bie would say, “Hantar dia duduk hostel”. Kasihan Marsya.

By my third month, I was still not doing well. I was vomiting and not eating. So when I went for my monthly check-up, my doctor knew that I was (and am) suffering from a terrible daily sickness. She was worried that I lost 3kg in a matter of month. So, she admitted me. Masuk air and glucose. Because I was too weak at that time, I agreed with her. Anything to regain my energy. So, I was immediately hospitalized. At first I thought duduk hospital sehari jer. But when my doctor did her morning check on me, she said, “You are severely dehydrated. I’m going to ask you to stay another night at the hospital”. At first I didn’t want to. I was bored to death lah. The ward didn’t have a TV and despite the fact that it was a four-person ward, I was the only one there. Mana ada pesakit lain. But she’s the doctor and since dia insisted I stayed another night at the hospital, I relented, provided I get transferred to the single room ward where there’s a TV. So my doctor asked the nurse to take my request into account.

Ingat masuk air tak sakit. Well, memanglah tak sakit, but the cucuk of the syringe to begin the process nak masuk air tu was damn painful. Not to mention masa dia inject ubat masuk kat dalam saluran getah tu. I felt like my heart beat would stop functioning there and then. Bear with me, I am afraid of hospitals. I have never been hospitalized expect for when I gave birth to Marsya. And when the blood was clotted and the water didn’t go through, the nurses had to flush the saline water onto my veins using the syringe. Sakitlah.

I didn’t tell anyone I was hospitalized. I messaged a few friends though, and of course my office knew. I told Maksu and my parents, but I told them not to visit me sebab bukan cedera parah pun (Alhamdulillah), masuk air jer. Even my in-laws didn’t know. They only knew when Bie saw his father at one of the shops near the hospital; he was looking to buy a lock. I didn’t want to worry anyone. A friend came to visit on my second night. She brought me loads of books to read. Bukan baca pun. Baca satu buku and that was that.

All in all, masuklah 9 botol air. Ok lagi tu. My mother masuk 16 botol when she had me. My doctor graciously gave me a week of medical leave. Dia suruh rehat kat rumah.

I have to admit that being hospitalized did help me. It gave me energy and appetite to eat. So, I do eat these days. Kira dah ada selera makan, but tak sepenuhnya. Tak semua benda boleh masuk. What I eat these days is nasi and masak lemak kuning sebab takder bawang. Otherwise, tahan tak makan. Tak bolehlah. And the only lauk I can take is fish. Ayam ke, other types of seafood ke, sorry lah. Tak tertelan kat anak tekak nie.

When I got back to the office, my colleagues created quite a buzz over me. Semua tanya dah ok ke belumlah, dah boleh makan ke belum, kurusnya – makan lebih sikit, etc, etc. Sampai tak terlarat nak jawab. But all of them said I looked much better. I guess I do. In fact, I feel a lot better too. I still cannot stand smell and though I cannot eat ALL food, at least I’m eating. That’s a good start. I even have a baby bump now. Not that big, but still. Better than nothing.

I am now coming to 4 months in a week. I really hope that this daily sickness will be over soon. Tak laratlah macam ni. I think this time around it’s quite bad compared to the first one. That’s why I didn’t update the blog. I just TAK LARAT nak write anything. I wasn’t focused and I didn’t have the mood. My works pun banyak pending. But I really hope that this’ll all be over soon.