About a few weeks ago, my brother called me. He’s having a headache at the moment because apparently his girlfriend’s parents (and sisters) are making a big issue on when they’re getting hitched. And that’s not all. Her sister is asking for a hantaran worth RM10k.
I could sense the apprehension in his voice. He was stressed. I know for sure that he is not ready for a huge commitment like this. And the fact that the parents and the sisters are constantly nagging him (and of course the girlfriend) is making him mentally tired.
My brother is going to be 29 this year. Although to some people, the age 29 is a very perfect age to get married, I don’t see it that way. After all, it boils back to whether he is ready or not. And that includes mental, physical and of course financial. He has just started work about two years ago. He is not paying rent nor is he paying for anything else (except for his car installment and his student loan) and visiting the girlfriend’s house in Pahang, driving a Proton Waja, may seem ‘wealthy’ enough to the girlfriend’s parents’ eyes. I mean, it’s just a Proton Waja. It’s not even a Honda. But I think the parents think my brother is making big bucks. And since he is still single and all, of course they want to grab him before someone else does.
Now the girlfriend… [sigh]. She is not even 24 yet. She just finished her final degree examination from UiTM. She hasn’t even graduated yet. Her graduation is probably somewhere in the middle of this year. She’s not working. And she is still very young. The thing is, I was the one who introduced them. I mean, how the heck would I know that they would hit it off until today. She was a trainee at my office during her diploma days. She’s pretty. Well, the typical tall, fair and wearing a tudung sort of girl. And when I mentioned that I have a brother who was still single, she did not hesitate to ask me to introduce her to him. And my brother, being a man and all, was eager to be introduced. So I thought, why not. There’s no harm in being friends. So, they became friends for almost a year before they sort of became a couple (well, the girl basically started to pandai merajuk and that’s where my brother got this hint that the girl is looking for something more). So yeah, they went steady UNTIL today. I mean, I didn’t expect it, but that’s what happened.
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like her. But I guess when she was a trainee, it felt alright to introduce them because it was quite harmless. I mean, what could come out of it? But now, the thought that she may become my sister-in-law is very… I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t feel like having her as my sister-in-law. There, I’ve said it. I know it’s terrible and that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. But she doesn’t seem to be the sort of girl that I’d like to have as a sister-in-law. Aarrgghh..!! You must think I am such a terrible person. But that is just how I feel at the moment. Of course I can’t say much about my brother. Obviously he is comfortable with her or else he wouldn’t stick with her throughout these 3 years or so.
Now, why is it that I don’t like having her as a sister? My standards are not THAT high. But I’d like someone whom I can discuss things with, intelligently and creatively. I’m not saying that she’s not intelligent. She is quite bright or else she wouldn’t be having a degree. But someone that I can talk with. These days, whenever I talk to her, I have to start first and that, only on issues I think would interest her. Otherwise, she would just laugh it of. She is basically a follower. Sometimes not really having a mind of her own and if you bring her around, her social interaction skills are very minimal. Well, it’s unfair of me to dislike her based on these characteristics. I know.
But I guess the thing which affected my perception of her is what from my brother told me. My brother used to complain that she is very possessive of him and that her life revolves only around him and her studies. In fact, there was a time where she insisted on seeing my brother every day even during her exams. And because of that she flunked her paper. Another thing is that she is jealous of my brother nearly all the time. She gets very upset if my brother goes out with his friends without her. And to make matters worse, there was a time where my brother brought her out with his friends and their respective girlfriends. Of course he knew the girls. So he joked with them and laughed with them. I mean, they’re after all friends. Unfortunately, the girlfriend didn’t see it as that. In the car, she accused my brother of going out with the girlfriends behind her back. And that he seemed at ease and very cozy with his friends’ girlfriends. My brother was mad and had to console her all the way to her college. I mean, what is that? They’re just friends. If he wants to cheat on her, he would have done that a long time ago. But he likes her. So be mentally open and just accept that fact.
There was this time when my brother was away on a week’s course. Of course he met a lot of other girls there. And the girlfriend calls him nearly every time and the one thing that she always said, “Ramai lah perempuan-perempuan kat situ. Jangan nak menggatal”. I mean, what is that?? [sigh]… be a little more open. But somehow, she couldn’t grasp that idea. Whenever my brother tells me these things, I would be the one who naik rimas. I guess I’m not like that so the thought of that girl doing it to my brother makes me a little annoyed.
And now, she is pushing my brother to get married. She still has to repeat one more paper (she flunked in her finals) and is not even working yet. And in addition to the fact that her sister is asking for RM10k, is not really making me accepting to the idea of them getting married. I hate people pushing my brother like that. Like I hate people pushing me. The girlfriend said she didn’t mind adding a few more thousand RM just to add up to RM10k. Well, that’s NOT the point though is it. It’s like as if you want to show off or something. I think it’s ridiculous. And what’s more ridiculous is the fact that her sisters when they got married, got a hantaran between RM3k to RM4k only.
And now my brother is having a headache. I blame him really. He is always going to Pahang during his spare time for the so-called family visit. And the mother adores him very much. Always cooking his favourite dish and never tired of inviting him to stay the night (which my brother never did). And the one piece of advise that the mother gave to her daughter concerning the relationship is somewhat troubling me. She always says, “Dia tinggalkan kau takper. Tapi kau jangan sekali-sekali tinggalkan dia” (translation: It’s ok if he leaves you, but you must never leave him). Isn’t that corny? I know other people see nothing from that statement, but when I have all these perceptions in my head, I begin to think negatively. I mean, why would her mother say that to her? It seems really odd. A mother would advise her son not to fool around with someone’s daughter or don’t do anything to jeopardize anak orang, but, why would her mother advise her like that? See… me and my negative perceptions.
The latest news I heard is that she is pushing to get married on my brother’s birthday. And that is not far off now; 13 July 2007. Absolutely ridiculous. After all, I am still in my confinement on that date. She hasn’t even seen my parents (except for the one time at my house. And that was purely an accident really. My brother was visiting and my parents happen to drop by at the same time). She is not even working at the moment. What, she expects my brother to pay for all after they’re married? Living on just one income in KL these days is just not enough. Unless of course your partner makes a LOT of money, then I guess that would be fine. And considering my brother’s salary, trust me… not enough. Besides, she needs to ‘open her eyes’. Get the feel of working first. I don’t want her to regret anything later, after they’ve got married. Harness her social skills first.
I have a friend who got married when they were students, but when the wife started working, she just realized that her world is actually bigger than what she has been exposed to all these while. They ended up divorced. Now the ex-husband has remarried with a child. I don’t know what happened to the ex-wife though. I don’t want that to happen to my brother. Basically right now, the girlfriend has not been exposed to the outside world. Bear in mind that her world currently revolves around her family, her student life (now no more since she has finished her degree) and my brother. She doesn’t know the ‘taste’ of the real world. She doesn’t know how it feels like to have cash at hand working in a working environment. I want her to experience all these. With that, I don’t mind her getting married to my brother. At least work for a year or two.
I spoke to my brother about it and he mentioned that her objective in life is getting married. She doesn’t have any career aspiration or the desire to improve further or develop. All she knows is that she wants to get married. Come on. Open your eyes first. Have at least a little career aspiration…[sigh]. It’s after all for your own good. It’s depressing when one doesn’t have all that in mind. I mean, she is just 23 years old. This is the time for her to take the opportunity to learn new things. Take on new challenges.
Last weekend, when I was home at my parents for the short break, my brother was also there. He wasn’t his usual self. He was quiet. He didn’t talk much. And he played with my daughter only for a short while. I was worried. My mother was worried. When asked, he just said he has many problems at the moment and that was that. He didn’t elaborate. He was worried about the amount of money that he’s currently making and I also heard from my dearest Bie that he was contemplating on taking a loan. THAT I know for sure has never entered his mind before. My brother is not a spendthrift. In fact, he is a saver and has never borrowed money from anyone (orang pinjam daripada dia, adalah. He’s like a banker coz his friends are always borrowing money from him). So when he is starting to contemplate on taking loans, I worry. I don’t want him to take loans just for the sake of getting married. It reminded me of the Seniman Bujang Lapok movie where a husband was complaining that even though they have four (was it four? Or was it three?) kids, he was still paying for his marriage expenses coz the wife’s mother asked too much when they got married that he had to borrow from a ceti. I don’t want that to happen to him.
So now do you see why I am quite reluctant to accept her as my sister-in-law? I am open for her to get engaged first, for at least a year, then get married. I mean, who am I to stop them from getting married? After all, it’s my brother that she wants. It’s their lives. And if she can make my brother happy, then why not. I’ll support them all the way. But please understand. Please oh please kerja dulu.
My mother is even more difficult. She dislikes the fact that people are pushing her son like that plus the hantaran of RM10k is not really helping in consoling her to the idea of her son getting married to the girl. So at the moment, she dislikes the idea of them getting married altogether. And when she dislikes it, it is difficult to turn her around. Trust me. I had similar problems before I got married to Bie. Luckily my Bie had a ‘selamba’ face and continued to see me and pray that my mother would like him, until that day finally came. And that period in itself took nearly a year and a half.
Oh well. I pray the best for my brother. I want him to be happy and I want him to make the right choices. I just wish his girlfriend would open her eyes first before settling down. After all, I am looking out for my brother’s welfare. I pity him. He feels uncomfortable that the parents are starting to talk. I don’t want him to get hitched because he feels that he has to. When I asked him whether he’s ready mentally, physically and financially, he couldn’t answer me. He said he doesn’t know. And as a sister, that worries me.
I could sense the apprehension in his voice. He was stressed. I know for sure that he is not ready for a huge commitment like this. And the fact that the parents and the sisters are constantly nagging him (and of course the girlfriend) is making him mentally tired.
My brother is going to be 29 this year. Although to some people, the age 29 is a very perfect age to get married, I don’t see it that way. After all, it boils back to whether he is ready or not. And that includes mental, physical and of course financial. He has just started work about two years ago. He is not paying rent nor is he paying for anything else (except for his car installment and his student loan) and visiting the girlfriend’s house in Pahang, driving a Proton Waja, may seem ‘wealthy’ enough to the girlfriend’s parents’ eyes. I mean, it’s just a Proton Waja. It’s not even a Honda. But I think the parents think my brother is making big bucks. And since he is still single and all, of course they want to grab him before someone else does.
Now the girlfriend… [sigh]. She is not even 24 yet. She just finished her final degree examination from UiTM. She hasn’t even graduated yet. Her graduation is probably somewhere in the middle of this year. She’s not working. And she is still very young. The thing is, I was the one who introduced them. I mean, how the heck would I know that they would hit it off until today. She was a trainee at my office during her diploma days. She’s pretty. Well, the typical tall, fair and wearing a tudung sort of girl. And when I mentioned that I have a brother who was still single, she did not hesitate to ask me to introduce her to him. And my brother, being a man and all, was eager to be introduced. So I thought, why not. There’s no harm in being friends. So, they became friends for almost a year before they sort of became a couple (well, the girl basically started to pandai merajuk and that’s where my brother got this hint that the girl is looking for something more). So yeah, they went steady UNTIL today. I mean, I didn’t expect it, but that’s what happened.
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like her. But I guess when she was a trainee, it felt alright to introduce them because it was quite harmless. I mean, what could come out of it? But now, the thought that she may become my sister-in-law is very… I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t feel like having her as my sister-in-law. There, I’ve said it. I know it’s terrible and that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. But she doesn’t seem to be the sort of girl that I’d like to have as a sister-in-law. Aarrgghh..!! You must think I am such a terrible person. But that is just how I feel at the moment. Of course I can’t say much about my brother. Obviously he is comfortable with her or else he wouldn’t stick with her throughout these 3 years or so.
Now, why is it that I don’t like having her as a sister? My standards are not THAT high. But I’d like someone whom I can discuss things with, intelligently and creatively. I’m not saying that she’s not intelligent. She is quite bright or else she wouldn’t be having a degree. But someone that I can talk with. These days, whenever I talk to her, I have to start first and that, only on issues I think would interest her. Otherwise, she would just laugh it of. She is basically a follower. Sometimes not really having a mind of her own and if you bring her around, her social interaction skills are very minimal. Well, it’s unfair of me to dislike her based on these characteristics. I know.
But I guess the thing which affected my perception of her is what from my brother told me. My brother used to complain that she is very possessive of him and that her life revolves only around him and her studies. In fact, there was a time where she insisted on seeing my brother every day even during her exams. And because of that she flunked her paper. Another thing is that she is jealous of my brother nearly all the time. She gets very upset if my brother goes out with his friends without her. And to make matters worse, there was a time where my brother brought her out with his friends and their respective girlfriends. Of course he knew the girls. So he joked with them and laughed with them. I mean, they’re after all friends. Unfortunately, the girlfriend didn’t see it as that. In the car, she accused my brother of going out with the girlfriends behind her back. And that he seemed at ease and very cozy with his friends’ girlfriends. My brother was mad and had to console her all the way to her college. I mean, what is that? They’re just friends. If he wants to cheat on her, he would have done that a long time ago. But he likes her. So be mentally open and just accept that fact.
There was this time when my brother was away on a week’s course. Of course he met a lot of other girls there. And the girlfriend calls him nearly every time and the one thing that she always said, “Ramai lah perempuan-perempuan kat situ. Jangan nak menggatal”. I mean, what is that?? [sigh]… be a little more open. But somehow, she couldn’t grasp that idea. Whenever my brother tells me these things, I would be the one who naik rimas. I guess I’m not like that so the thought of that girl doing it to my brother makes me a little annoyed.
And now, she is pushing my brother to get married. She still has to repeat one more paper (she flunked in her finals) and is not even working yet. And in addition to the fact that her sister is asking for RM10k, is not really making me accepting to the idea of them getting married. I hate people pushing my brother like that. Like I hate people pushing me. The girlfriend said she didn’t mind adding a few more thousand RM just to add up to RM10k. Well, that’s NOT the point though is it. It’s like as if you want to show off or something. I think it’s ridiculous. And what’s more ridiculous is the fact that her sisters when they got married, got a hantaran between RM3k to RM4k only.
And now my brother is having a headache. I blame him really. He is always going to Pahang during his spare time for the so-called family visit. And the mother adores him very much. Always cooking his favourite dish and never tired of inviting him to stay the night (which my brother never did). And the one piece of advise that the mother gave to her daughter concerning the relationship is somewhat troubling me. She always says, “Dia tinggalkan kau takper. Tapi kau jangan sekali-sekali tinggalkan dia” (translation: It’s ok if he leaves you, but you must never leave him). Isn’t that corny? I know other people see nothing from that statement, but when I have all these perceptions in my head, I begin to think negatively. I mean, why would her mother say that to her? It seems really odd. A mother would advise her son not to fool around with someone’s daughter or don’t do anything to jeopardize anak orang, but, why would her mother advise her like that? See… me and my negative perceptions.
The latest news I heard is that she is pushing to get married on my brother’s birthday. And that is not far off now; 13 July 2007. Absolutely ridiculous. After all, I am still in my confinement on that date. She hasn’t even seen my parents (except for the one time at my house. And that was purely an accident really. My brother was visiting and my parents happen to drop by at the same time). She is not even working at the moment. What, she expects my brother to pay for all after they’re married? Living on just one income in KL these days is just not enough. Unless of course your partner makes a LOT of money, then I guess that would be fine. And considering my brother’s salary, trust me… not enough. Besides, she needs to ‘open her eyes’. Get the feel of working first. I don’t want her to regret anything later, after they’ve got married. Harness her social skills first.
I have a friend who got married when they were students, but when the wife started working, she just realized that her world is actually bigger than what she has been exposed to all these while. They ended up divorced. Now the ex-husband has remarried with a child. I don’t know what happened to the ex-wife though. I don’t want that to happen to my brother. Basically right now, the girlfriend has not been exposed to the outside world. Bear in mind that her world currently revolves around her family, her student life (now no more since she has finished her degree) and my brother. She doesn’t know the ‘taste’ of the real world. She doesn’t know how it feels like to have cash at hand working in a working environment. I want her to experience all these. With that, I don’t mind her getting married to my brother. At least work for a year or two.
I spoke to my brother about it and he mentioned that her objective in life is getting married. She doesn’t have any career aspiration or the desire to improve further or develop. All she knows is that she wants to get married. Come on. Open your eyes first. Have at least a little career aspiration…[sigh]. It’s after all for your own good. It’s depressing when one doesn’t have all that in mind. I mean, she is just 23 years old. This is the time for her to take the opportunity to learn new things. Take on new challenges.
Last weekend, when I was home at my parents for the short break, my brother was also there. He wasn’t his usual self. He was quiet. He didn’t talk much. And he played with my daughter only for a short while. I was worried. My mother was worried. When asked, he just said he has many problems at the moment and that was that. He didn’t elaborate. He was worried about the amount of money that he’s currently making and I also heard from my dearest Bie that he was contemplating on taking a loan. THAT I know for sure has never entered his mind before. My brother is not a spendthrift. In fact, he is a saver and has never borrowed money from anyone (orang pinjam daripada dia, adalah. He’s like a banker coz his friends are always borrowing money from him). So when he is starting to contemplate on taking loans, I worry. I don’t want him to take loans just for the sake of getting married. It reminded me of the Seniman Bujang Lapok movie where a husband was complaining that even though they have four (was it four? Or was it three?) kids, he was still paying for his marriage expenses coz the wife’s mother asked too much when they got married that he had to borrow from a ceti. I don’t want that to happen to him.
So now do you see why I am quite reluctant to accept her as my sister-in-law? I am open for her to get engaged first, for at least a year, then get married. I mean, who am I to stop them from getting married? After all, it’s my brother that she wants. It’s their lives. And if she can make my brother happy, then why not. I’ll support them all the way. But please understand. Please oh please kerja dulu.
My mother is even more difficult. She dislikes the fact that people are pushing her son like that plus the hantaran of RM10k is not really helping in consoling her to the idea of her son getting married to the girl. So at the moment, she dislikes the idea of them getting married altogether. And when she dislikes it, it is difficult to turn her around. Trust me. I had similar problems before I got married to Bie. Luckily my Bie had a ‘selamba’ face and continued to see me and pray that my mother would like him, until that day finally came. And that period in itself took nearly a year and a half.
Oh well. I pray the best for my brother. I want him to be happy and I want him to make the right choices. I just wish his girlfriend would open her eyes first before settling down. After all, I am looking out for my brother’s welfare. I pity him. He feels uncomfortable that the parents are starting to talk. I don’t want him to get hitched because he feels that he has to. When I asked him whether he’s ready mentally, physically and financially, he couldn’t answer me. He said he doesn’t know. And as a sister, that worries me.
6 comments:
Hi Ija, the way I see it is "It’s ok if he LEAVES her, but she must never leave him."
My wife always says that don't look for unnecessary troubles if we have none.
Not trying to break off a marriage that is bound to happen or anything. After all, I could be wrong. They might live happily ever after right?
Have you talked to him in the most discreet, non-menyibuk kind of way? He might not see things clearly the way you do. How about your parent? What do they think about the whole matter?
Sometimes parents' instincts (especially the mother) can be right. Wallahua'lam..
P/S: All the best to your brother.
PP/S: Independent (so long as not too independent hehe) is one of the qualities I look for in a woman. I'm thankful that my wife is one of them. After reading how your bro's girl kept pestering him about his relationships with other girls, I would definitely suffocate if I were him..
Thanks for the comment. I have tried to speak to him about it.He knows my position lah i.e. my opinion on the whole matter. That's why probably he's not looking to tell me anymore until he gets the matter resolved. When I sent him an sms, he just said that he'll not make any drastic decision but whatever decision he makes, it'll be caused by him and that he hopes I'll support him. I mean, how scary is that?? How can I support him if I see that he's about to enter the crocodile's mouth? I don't know lah Abdun.
My father is a bit rationale about the whole thing (nearly all men are) but my mother absolutely loath it now. If possible, she doesn't want to have anything to do with the girl at all. I guess being a mother and all.
Whatever it is, I hope this matter resolves very quickly.
I like independant women (not too independant lah, nanti lelaki naik lemak), and the way I see it, this girl doesn't seem to have much of that quality. I don't know. I could be wrong... [sigh]..
wow... sounds like a true insecure yet pushy kind of girl to me!
Emmm, I know it's hard for you to interfere much(or you'd be accused of being pushy pulak kan?) but I guess you need to let him see that marriage is supposed to be the celebration of love and reunion of two lovers. If the idea of getting married only brings him stress, sadness and worry, he may need to seriously rethink about the relationship itself.
Better now than too late right? Just don't want him to regret or feel bitter later..
Just my thoughts.. all the best to you and your bro!
Sounds like the chemistry between you and your bro's gf is off. But I don't blame you, being the concerned sister you probably want the best for your brother and its only because you love him and care for his well bein rite?
But at the end of the day the decision is his to make, and the best you can do is to be supportive to him in his decision.
Personally, I feel your reasons are very valid. And I feel its up to the couple to decide when it is the right them for them to get married, not the siblings, not the parents.
Ryzah,
Yes.. she does sounds insecure and a bit pushy. I don't blame her though. She is after all still very young. And since she hasn't started working yet, she hasn't had the opportunity to taste the 'real world'. And yes, I can't interfere. Who am I to interfere? I am only the sister. He's the one who's about to enter into the marriage world. And I totally agree with you. If the idea of marriage will only bring him stress, then better rethink the whole relationship.
I don't know. That's his call. So far I haven't been asking him anymore about this. I just want to give him some space and let him think about it for himself, without people like me interfering. After all, I don't want to be accused of being too pushy.
Thanks.
Hi Sunflora,
Thanks for dropping by. And yes you are right. The chemistry between me and my brother's girlfriend is a bit off at the moment. I try to act like nothing happened, but it's my brother we're talking about here. I hate seeing him being stressed and all. No matter how we sometimes don't see eye to eye, he is after all my younger brother. And yes, I do love him very much.
Right now, I'm not asking him of anything anymore. I am giving him his space. I just hope that he'll make the right decision, whatever it is. I really do.
Thanks for your thoughts.
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