Beginning To Feel It

I am in my 34th week now with regards to my pregnancy. And to tell you the truth, I am beginning to feel it. From tiredness to fear; everything under the sun. My back aches easily from too much standing, my feet are swollen, like some elephant’s legs, and my stomach tends to harden once in a while, especially if I’ve had something to eat. The baby moves constantly and whenever it pushes certain parts inside my stomach, I would be squirming with pain. Not so much of a hurtful pain, but more like a jolt pain that goes on for only a second or two. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my baby moves. It shows that it’s healthy and alive, and I am forever thankful for that.

My baby now weighs 2kg and my doctor said the tendency for it to grow even bigger in the next month or so is actually quite high. And considering that Marsya was born at 3.35kg, the baby has the tendency to outweigh the sister. That scares me a lot. I mean, I hope for the baby to be healthy and all, but I also hope that it’ll not grow too big because I may have problem pushing it later during the actual delivery.

I still remember the difficulty I had when pushing to get Marsya out of me. It wasn’t very nice. The head got stuck at the canal for quite a while and my doctor was worried that Marsya might suffocate or something. Alhamdullillah, she came out alright. With the help of a nurse pushing my stomach (like I’m a stuffed turkey or something) and the doctor’s vacuuming Marsya’s head, Marsya came out fine, luckily no scar or anything. But I had to suffer on that account. Let’s just say my doctor refused to let me know the number of stitches I had. But, the pain was excruciating.

So now, I am scared. The labour pain is still fresh in my head. You know, the contractions, the pushing, the aftermath of it, the hemorrhoid (yes… I did experience that… and it was VERY painful mind you. Even more painful than the stitches themselves!). And all these are beginning to come back to me.

Every morning these days, I would wake up counting the days that I’ll be in labour. The pains I would encounter, etc… etc… I tried not to think of it, but I couldn’t help myself. When I’m not talking to anyone, or when I was focusing on doing my work, suddenly the fear appears out of nowhere and I started to think about it. I don’t feel like sharing this with my dearest Bie. I don’t know why. Maybe because he’s a man and he wouldn’t understand.

To make matters worse, I worry for my daughter lately. I worry that she may feel left out with the new baby. At this moment, all attention is on her. But with the new baby coming, she would have to share our love with the new baby. And at this moment, I have nothing but huge, compassionate love for her. I would hug her every night telling her that I love her and that no matter what, my love for her will not change. I will love her same. I say this nearly every time I am hugging her. I doubt whether she understands but I just feel that I need to tell her. And I guess it took its toll on me because last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that my baby (the new one) was upset with me because I was focusing too much on the sister. Everything is about Marsya. Even though I do stuff for the new baby, in the end, I will always go to Marsya to check on her well-being. It was like as if I didn’t care about the new baby at all.

I woke up with a sweat. God… I am thinking too much. Of course I will love the new baby. I will love the baby as much as I love Marsya. I promise to give them the same amount of love, compassion and dedication. And I pray to God that I am able to do just that.

So there… I just have so many things in my head right now. What with the never-ending work. Mind you, I still have to go to Ipoh next week for a meeting. My doctor seemed reluctant to let me go. But I feel that I have to. I need to sort this out before I deliver. I just hope that nothing out of the ordinary will happen during the trip next week.

Meanwhile, please pray that all will be fine.