Hard To Let Go

I was having dinner last night at my parents’ house when my third brother, Ayon said, “Ayon akan pindah JB minggu depan”. I stopped eating and stared at him.

“You mean like pindah sana for good ker?”

“Pindah as in duduk kat sana”.

“You mean sewa rumah semua and balik Seremban hujung minggu jer?”

“Mula-mula tak sewa dulu. Duduk rumah kakak kawan Ayon. Then maybe carik bilik ker”.

“Do you know that the cost of living in JB is not cheap? Mahal tau. And nanti nak bayar sewa lagi, makan lagi, and goodness macam-macam lagi. Are you sure?”

“Sini susahlah Long. Seremban takder market. Puas Ayon ronda satu Seremban including Seremban 2, but bil telefon diorang setakat RM100 jer or if lebih pun sikit. Susah…”.

I kept quiet. “Tapi gaji tak tetap. Macamana nak survive in JB?”

“Ayon akan dapat komisen”.

“Setakat komisen, tapi tak tentu. Tak tetap. The point is, kau asyik buat semua ni dah dapat belum any income?”

“Kalau tak keja camner nak dapat duit”.

“Yeah I know. But meanwhile, your set up cost staying there, sapa bayar? Ayah?”

“Alah.. Ayon ada duit sikit”, he mumbled, eating his rice without looking at my face.

“Along tak taulah Yon. Susah hati Along kau nak ke sana. Takder duit ke nanti, how?”

“Susah Long kat sini. Kat JB market dia besar lagi. Budak-budak dia tak buat keje. KL pulak, competition banyak. So, Ayon rasa memang Ayon kena gi JB lah”.

I kept quiet. He was adamant to go to JB. I worry about him. He doesn’t have a fixed income job. How is he going to survive in JB? His eyes are only on the huge commission if he gets to lobby a proposal for a phone company. That is, if he succeeds in getting a project from that of a potential client. Otherwise, he’ll have nothing. I told him to continue his study. Do a degree. A diploma is SO NOT sufficient these days. But he didn’t want to. He said he pitied Ayah as he would have to pay for his education when Ayah also has to pay for Haikal’s. When I told him to get a proper job, he ignored me completely. He kept on talking about the huge commission he’s going to get if he gets a project.

I know that he’s 26 but in my mind I still see him as my younger brother. I still see him smiling from ear to ear sitting on Ibu’s lap or clinging to Ibu when he wanted something. He was the youngest and dimanjai oleh everyone, until Haikal came into the picture that is. Whatever it is, he’s my brother and I fear for him. Is it time for me to let go? [Sigh]… I don’t know. I just can’t seem to let go. Ni belum Haikal lagi ni.

“So Along balik tak minggu depan? Ayon nak pergi JB hari Ahad minggu depan”.

“Hhmm.. Along tak baliklah minggu depan Yon. This weekend kan dah balik. Why don’t you come to KL? Before pergi JB”.

“Tengoklah camner. Ayon balik weekend ke Seremban. Dalam dua minggu sekali. So kita jumpalah nanti”.

“Well, you are always welcome to visit me in KL before you go to JB”.

That night before leaving for KL, I woke him up to tell him that I was going home. He salam my hands and kissed them. I felt my eyes watery. I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to grab him and hug him tightly, to tell him to take care of himself in a big city such as JB. But Ayon and I…, well, we don’t do hugs. Unlike Haikal who would kiss my hands and both my cheeks whenever he salam me, and he’s already 18.

I pray that he’ll get lots of projects so that he’ll receive a huge amount of commission. I so badly want to see this thing work out for him. He deserves it. He truly deserves it… [sigh]… It’s so hard to let go…

Happy Week

When Maksu told me that she was going back to Taiping for the school holidays, I felt tired. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Maksu can go back to her kampung if she wishes to. After all, she still has Tok Wan (her father-in-law) and besides, she needs to take a break after taking care of the kids at home. But that would mean that I have to go back to Seremban and commute daily Seremban-KL. To tell you the truth, I love commuting from Seremban to KL and back. Why? Well, I don’t have to drive, Bie does. And my office is just off Sungai Besi, so I don’t have to go through such terrible traffic jam. Unfortunate for my dearest Bie, he has to face a couple of traffic jams in order to reach his office. However, with the price of petrol these days costing RM1.92 per litre, we would probably have to spend about RM250 for petrol, not to mention the tolls, which add up to RM86. And this is just for the week. Bie just felt that it would be financially constraining. So, the only thing, which we resorted to do, was borrow Bibik from Ibu.

So last Sunday when we went to Gambang to send my brother off to his college, Ayah brought Bibik along. But when he went back to Seremban that night, he left Bibik with us. Thus the week started with Bibik staying with me.

Mentally, I felt relieved. I am not only leaving Marsya in good hands (Insya Allah, so far Bibik nampak macam sayang jer dengan Marsya), but I am also leaving the house in good hands.

Last Monday, I was on leave as I needed to assist Bibik to get accustomed to the house. When I woke up, she had already mopped the floor and cleared my kitchen, like arranging things in the right order, getting rid of unwanted items and folding my plastic bags, which I have to admit; it’s not something that I am patient with. I don’t even have time to fold my own laundry, let alone plastic bags..!! But she did it. My shelf was cleaned from any dust and my picture frames too didn’t have any dust on them. So I went about doing my laundry and taught her how to use the washing machine, microwave and iron.

Bibik cooked and ironed the clothes. I took care of Marsya. I bathed her, fed her, and played with her. Bibik did all the other chores. When my dearest Bie got home that evening, he felt good too. Otherwise, he had to park his car at the LRT Wangsa Maju, take the LRT to Taman Jaya to meet me, and then go off to Maksu’s place. After dinner, we would drive back to our house and reach it at only 10pm; too tired to do anything else. So yes, he likes having Bibik around.

On Tuesday, I had to go back to work. But I called Bibik occasionally to query on Marsya. And that evening, when the clock struck 5.30pm, I was eager to go home. It has been such a long time since I reached my home while the sun was still in the sky. Bibik had already fed Marsya and my laundry had been sorted out. While I played with my daughter, Bibik went to the kitchen to cook dinner. I felt at ease. I wasn’t tired mentally as I had help in sorting out the house and my daughter while I was away.

Last night, I left Marsya with Bibik while I went to KLCC with my dearest Bie to see X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. We watched the 9.30pm show (really good… I loved it). When I got home, Marsya was already asleep.

Today is already Friday. Tomorrow, I have to bring Bibik back to Ibu. Next week is the beginning of the school term and the roads will be busy again. I have to go back to my daily routine; leave the house at 6.30am to send Marsya to Maksu’s place and in the later part of the day, reach home at 10pm, too tired to do anything else.

[Sigh]… oh well, what to do.

Bibik’s contract is expiring this October. She has expressed her interest to stay on. In fact, she has been receiving other offers from three parties who want her as their maids. Ibu does not want to renew her because Ibu is retiring early next year. And since my brothers no longer stay at home (except for Ayon), there’s nothing much that Bibik does. So Ibu is thinking of letting her go so that Bibik can stay with me and help me out. Hhmm.. something to think about.

Sports Carnival

On 27 May 2006, my company (well, the Group level) organized a Group Sports Carnival at Uniten, Kajang. At first I didn’t want to go because I was malas lah. I had wanted to stay at home and lazed in front of the tv. But because the girls’ volleyball team didn’t have enough players and they need reserves or else they’d be disqualified from the game, I reluctantly agreed to become their reserve. So, on the day before the carnival, I attended a practice session with the team.

However, let me be frank with you. I have NEVER played volleyball in my whole entire. I have never liked the game because I always ended up having bruises on my hands, wrists and arms. So, the practice session was the first volleyball game for me.

On Saturday, I made my way to Uniten. Well actually the volleyball game was at the Petronas sports center or some sort, which is near Uniten. As I had to be there by 8.30am, I drove like mad from Seremban to Petronas (about 130 to 140 km per hour – NOT good). I think my Wira pun macam nak collapse jer. The rumblings of the engine were very clear.

When I got to the court (outdoor mind you), I changed into my jersey and did a warming up session. It was fun. The boys played first. I had fun cheering them on. Then it was the girls’ turn to play. I thought I was going to be the reserve player, but Fizah wasn’t confident that she could serve so she asked me to be in the team. Aku pun apa lagi… (excited kan after the practice on Friday).

We won the first game. It was a wonderful feeling. Well, let’s just say that we played against a not-so-good team and that’s why we won. The other three games after that weren’t that great. We lost the second and third game. But as for the forth game, we went onto the rubber set (which wasn’t bad considering that everyone was tired at that time). Because it was blazing hot on Saturday AND because I forgot to apply my sun block, my face and arms, particularly my nose, were shining red..!! Not just mine, everybody had flaming red faces. I was sun burnt. I hate it, but what to do. The skin was already burnt so I just have to go through the painful and itchy process of skin peeling. I was aware of that.

The boys didn’t have much luck. They didn’t win any game. But they did put up a good fight so that was good enough.

Apart from the games, I had fun just hanging out with my colleagues and friends. We chatted, laughed and talked. I even had the chance to mingle with a new staff, a not so bad looking guy (the only good looking guy near our hanging out place) who had just joined our Sales & Marketing department in Johor. He was being extra friendly with me. And I wasn’t looking my pretty that day. Shucks..!! Before you get any ideas, kawan jerlah..!! He was nice and he wanted to show me some pointers, so I accept jerlah. Takkan nak halau dia kot.

At about 5.30pm when we have no more games to play, we did a warm down exercise. It was good. I thought I was going to be so lepek on Sunday but the warm down exercise helped a lot. I was actually quite all right on Sunday. And so were my other volleyball mates.

The sports carnival was actually fun. And I actually enjoyed volleyball, much to my surprise. I even want to maintain this team we have and continue to practice volleyball; all the necessary skills and knowledge so that we can win next year. Go VOLLEY..!!

A Call From An Old Friend

I was fast asleep when suddenly I heard the phone ringing. I thought it was my alarm clock, so I ignored it because my dearest Bie would switch it off for me, as usual. But then Bie gave the phone to me saying that it was my friend. Now, who would want to call me at 3.30 in the morning? Sleepy as I was, I picked up the phone.

Fancy my surprise when I heard a man speaking in a German accent on the other line.

“Achim..!!” I screamed. I heard him laugh on the other line.

“Hi Masleena. It’s been a long time”.

“Yes it has. I haven’t heard from you for a quite a while”.

“I have been busy and my life has been a bit off track, but that’s another time. Maybe I will write you a long email later. I am with Jesus and Susana here. And he has news to share with you. He’s getting married next Saturday with Susana”.

I was no longer sleepy. “Wow.. congratulations”.

“I’ll pass the phone to him”.

So I spoke with Jesus. He is getting married this coming Saturday and is very happy about it. He told me that he is going for his honeymoon in Vietnam. I protested and told him to come to Malaysia again because I can arrange for some really nice accommodations. But he said that he couldn’t promise to drop by Kuala Lumpur. However, he invited me to Spain instead. After talking for a few more minutes with Jesus, and then Achim, we hung up.

That was nice. I haven’t been in contact with Achim for quite a while now. The last email that I received from him was late last year when he told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was working in Vienna. He does call once in a while, but it has been ages as well since we spoke on the phone. But, he never fails to call me to say hi, which is very nice of him.

I know Achim back in Newcastle. We had an elective class together. I can’t remember which subject though. But thereon we became good friends. We would meet up for coffee at the Student Union or walk together to Eldon Square where later he would walk me to my bus stop so that I could catch the bus home. Sometimes we would meet up at the library and discussed about the subject we took. We even talked about life, philosophy and religion. He was doing his degree at that time. But older than me as he was one of those students who took up tertiary education at a later age.

I invited him over for a nasi ayam when I was in Dilston Road and he loved it. He tried eating with his bare hands (coz he saw that some of the Girls who were there at the time, were eating with their hands). Of course it was funny to see him eat with his hands, but he didn’t mind. Because we were quite close, Bie didn’t feel very comfortable with it. He didn’t like the fact that Achim would say hi to me when he saw me but ignored him.

When I returned to Malaysia whereas he returned to Germany, we kept in contact. We would exchange emails and he would sometimes call me. In October 2001, he visited me in Malaysia. He brought his Spanish friend with him, Jesus Gonzales. It was nice. Coz I had just started working, I couldn’t take much of leave. So, I let him stay with my parents to experience the Malaysian family way of life and my parents took them out on day trips to PD, Malacca, etc. Trust me, I had stupid arguments with Bie along the way because he didn’t seem to like the idea that Achim was staying with me and my parents under the same roof for two weeks. Not until he helped Achim and Jesus during their visit to Pangkor that Bie then approved wholeheartedly of my friendship with Achim. And Achim also finally acknowledged Bie. It was funny. I don’t know why he ignored Bie before.

We promised to visit him in Germany in 2006 for the World Cup. But alas, it was not to be. Achim was excited though and promised that he would arrange accommodations and buy us the game tickets. Unfortunately, due to no excess of funds, we couldn’t go to Germany this year. Oh well. Maybe later. Hopefully.

His phone call last night brought back good memories. I so hope that I can see him soon. I told him to come back to Malaysia for a visit, but due to work commitments, he couldn’t come. Oh well, I just hope that Jesus will find time and drop by in Kuala Lumpur during his visit to Vietnam.

The First Of Everything

Have you ever reminisce about the past where you smile to yourself and say, “That’s the first time I did that”. Well, I too am sometimes drawn back to my past just thinking about the first time I did that, or did this; went there or went here, have that or have this, and the list of the first for everything goes on and on. Here I’d like to share with you on ten of my first time of everything.

First favourite book
Honestly, I don’t remember the first book I owned, however I do remember liking a certain book when I was little. A book that I would read over and over again without feeling tired. It’s an old Malay folk tale called Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup. I used to cry (nearly all the time) when I read the part where the mother ran in search of the batu belah batu bertangkup because she was disappointed that her son Pekan ate the last telur ikan tembakul. It was heart wrenching.

First soft toy
Gosh.. this is something that is difficult for me to recall because I do not own any soft toy when I was small. In fact, I was afraid of dolls and puppets. So when girls my age played with soft toys, I would be climbing trees and swim in rivers with the boys. But, let’s see… I guess it would have to be the panda soft toy, about the size of a pillow. Ayah bought it for me when we were in the UK (when Ayah did his PhD). I hugged it when I went to sleep at night. I remember bringing the panda back with us to Malaysia, but somehow I don’t know where it is now.

First jewellery
Has to be my gold baby bangles that my grandmother gave me when I was a baby. In fact, I still have them. I think I will be passing them to my daughter.

First Tadika
Tadika Kemas near the simpang of Kampung Tanjung Petai. I went to the tadika for two years i.e. when I was 5 and 6. I remember my grandfather used to send us (my brother and I) to the tadika every morning on his motorcycle and fetch us around noon. Those were good times.

First fight
My grandmother (arwah) used to laugh whenever she remembered this. I think I was 5 years old. It was a squabble between Ateh, Jain both boys mind you, and myself. We were in front of my grandmother’s house but I don’t remember what the fight was about. Jain took a swing at me but I ducked so his hand kena the mata kucing tree. Then Ateh took a swing at him, whereas I was shouting at the top of my voice telling them to stop fighting. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth coz I kena also. All of us ended up with bruises and small cuts. It was funny.

First best friend
Definitely Haslinda when I was in standard 1 to standard 3. We were the exact opposite of each other. She was fair whereas I was dark, she was lemah-lembut whereas I was a tomboy, the boys seemed to like her in a girly fashion, whereas boys liked me coz we were satu geng. But we somehow lost contact when I followed Ayah to the UK.

First boyfriend
Believe it or not, but I have never had a boyfriend before I met up with my dearest Bie. Yeah I had admirers (surprisingly quite a few, considering I wasn’t that pretty – looks fade, personality flourishes – that’s what I believe in, and that’s how I got the admirers… I think.. hehehehe). And yes, I go out with them. But never anyone that I can call as my boyfriend. So I would have to say that my first boyfriend is Bie. And that was back in February 1998.

First Job
As a temporary teacher teaching standard 2 and 6 at a primary school in Seremban while waiting for the A-Level results to come out. That was the first time that I had ever received a salary.

First car
Silver Wira eroback 1.3. In fact, I still drive it. And it’s been five years now.

First devastating death
It has to be my grandfather whom I called Tok Yah. He was Ibu’s father. I grew up surrounded by Tok Yah and Uwan (my grandmother). They took care of us when we were little up until the day Ayah whisked us away to the UK. We missed them like mad. Tok Yah died of an unknown illness. The doctor himself didn’t know what his illness was thus did not know how to cure him. I was in PPP/ITM when it happened, all ready to manage an event at the Siswi college. I was Block 4’s president. As usual, I called home to ask how Tok Yah was because the last time I saw him that weekend he was in the hospital. I didn’t kiss him as usual coz I didn’t want to disturb him sleeping. No one seemed to be home. Maksu wasn’t home, my parents weren’t home and Pak Ngah was also not home. His daughter was home though and when I asked her on Tok Yah’s conditions, she said she didn’t know. I was mad at her. How could she not know how Tok Yah was. I called Wanteh’s house and her daughter picked up the phone. She cried even before I could ask her anything. My heart was thumping like crazy. The only house, which I didn’t call, was my grandparents’ house (it was weird as to why I didn’t call the house first). So I dialed the number and Ibu picked up the phone. She passed the phone to Ayah. Ayah told me to get a grip on myself and that Tok Yah had passed away. I couldn’t hear him anymore. Tears were rushing down my face. Without I realize it, I was wailing like mad at the public phone booth. Apparently Tok Yah had passed away for 3 days. My parents didn’t tell me because I was having my A-Level trial exam. Up till this day, I remember the event that happened surrounding his death like as if it was yesterday. I still cry whenever I remember it.

I think that’s just about it. There are a lot more, but I think I better stop it at that.

Now… whom do I wish to tag into doing this. I think it would have to be:
1. Yamm
2. Pah
3. Murni
4. Zha
5. Maie
6. Liny

As for the others tu, rasa diorang malas kot. BUT, if you want to, why not. I would truly appreciate it. If you don’t have a blog, just list your first of everything in the comment box. That’d be cool.

Those who have been tagged, hope to see your respond soon.

Kari Kepala Ikan at Kampung Attap

Zam treated us to kari kepala ikan today for lunch. It was HUGE! Besar giler..!! I wonder how big the fish was. And the dish itself was RM60. I mean, for a fish head that hasn’t got much of meat, apart from certain areas, it sure does costs a lot. Oh well, since I didn’t pay, who cares..!!

We lapah the fish head like no one else. The eyes menjadi rebutan antara Zam and Rub. Well, since the fish had two eyes; Zam took the left one while Rub took the right one. Not long, the fish head tinggal tulang. I think there were still some leftovers stuck in between the bones, but I wasn’t bothered to pick them. Zam said if he was at home, he would lapah the fish bone head even further. I looked at the remaining of the fish head. “Apa jer lagi yang tinggal yang boleh dimakan? Macam dah takder meat jer lagi”. To which Zam replied that the juice from the bones are to die for. At home, he would suck the juice out from every corner of the fish head that are edible. Well, since I’m not really a fish head eating person, I wouldn’t know. But it’s nice to eat with someone who appreciates fish head to that extent.

It was already 2.15pm when we finished eating. Our office hours begin at 2pm every day. Since my boss is in today, I don’t think it would look good if he was to look for me and I wasn’t there. So, we hurriedly left the kari kepala ikan place and drove back to the office.

Though it’s already 5.30pm, I’m still full. And I’ve got volleyball practice this evening as our sports carnival is this Saturday. I don’t know whether I can cope playing with a full stomach like this. And to make matters worse, my hands still smelt of curry (while sniffing my hands to my nose…) and I hate it. [Sigh]… the smell is going to stick there for a few days yet. I know. Experienced it before.

What’s Happening?

I read the paper this morning and was shocked to find out that a boy who got kidnapped last Thursday from his home in Subang Jaya was murdered and dumped in the Sitiawan River with both his legs sticking out of a suitcase among the mangroves. He was only seven years old. And to make matters worse, he was killed because he knew who his kidnapper was. It was his uncle.

What is the world coming to? I scorn anybody for killing anyone, but to be at the mercy of your own relative? It’s just something that I can’t accept. I curse the man for killing his own nephew. I hope he burns in hell. This kidnapping case is one of the many criminal cases involving young children and toddlers these days. It’s just so depressing to hear about babies being abused by their own parents (if it’s a maid, yes.. I can tolerate that. But I still CANNOT condone the act of abusing – I curse whoever abuses ANYONE for that matter, especially babies and young ones who cannot fend for themselves).

There any many cases whereby parents brought their babies to the hospital after their babies vomited blood and the doctor who did the medical check up found out that the babies were abused. Some of the abused babies even died due to internal injuries or blood clot in the head. It depressed me to read such things on the paper. What makes me even sad is the thought that the babies’ OWN PARENTS can actually do such things to them.

Don’t let me start on the abuses. They are just beyond description; something which I would not like to be reminded of. Your babies are the gift from God. Why abuse them? They’re young and helpless. You are there to protect them and to nurture them into becoming good people. You’re not there to kick them or swing their heads onto doors and walls… [sigh]. It’s so distressing to see what parents are capable of these days. And we’re only touching on abused children.

What about fathers raping their own children? There are many of that around as well. I’m sure you’ve read in the news recently about a bogus ‘religious’ man who raped nearly all his daughters at the coax of his wives as he reasoned that if he didn’t do that, his daughters would commit such ‘relationship’ with other men and him, the father, wanted to prevent that from happening. So he did the girls first. How sick and nauseous is that? And the most unbelievable thing was that, his wives were duped into being his pimp. They actually asked their daughters to perform this ‘ritual of preventing sex with other men’ with their husband??!! How intolerable is that?

And that’s just one of the MANY cases that was highlighted. What about those that were not highlighted? I read in the Sunday Mail many months ago that in Malaysia, 9 out of 10 rape cases were unreported. Statistics showed that only about 20% of rape cases happened in public places while nearly 70% of them happened in the ‘safety of homes’. And get this, nearly 80% of the rapists are people known by the victims. In 2004, a 43-year old ex-soldier was found guilty of raping his own daughter at his Tanah Merah, Kelantan house. And in 2003, the nation was shocked over the report of a 10-year-old girl, Nurul Huda was her name, was raped by three men at a Gelang Patah TNB sub-station. She was only about a hundred meters from her house. Thinking about it today makes me fear the safety of my own little daughter. I think rapists should die a slow and painful death.

What is happening? Malaysia is no longer safe to live in. And imagine this; I only touched upon abuses, rape and murder cases. There is in fact MANY MORE of criminal cases out there in Malaysia today that are not highlighted here. Murder cases seem to happen nearly everyday these days (so are rape cases). Be it the murder of our own locals or immigrants. Even a snatch thief can kill its victims….and snatch cases used to be ‘victim-friendly’.

We must be very cautious these days. Sometimes, the comfort ness of your own home may no longer be safe too. Remember the recent case where the husband stabbed his own wife to death while she was breastfeeding her six-month old baby? How could he do that? To his own wife? His own children? What would people tell the baby when he/she grows up? That your dad killed your mom while you were breastfeeding? Imagine the trauma that the children faced and experienced. One minute your mom was alive and well and the next minute she was dead. It was lucky that the baby wasn’t killed as well in the process.

[sigh]… I feel sad for the world. Armageddon is truly befalling on us.

Weird Feeling

Previously I posted an entry about having a stupid argument with a friend at the Putrajaya Mosque. Well, due to recent events where I feel that I ought to reflect on myself, (not to mention a continuous persistence from a friend), I sent him a text message apologizing for the event that took place. I know I was at fault and that I was too egoistic to admit otherwise.

Me : Hi. Still mad at me? Sorry for any hurt that I caused. It was truly my fault. I understand if you’re still angry but I hope we can start all over.

Him : I was mad? Bila?

Me : Please lah. Back in March dulu. Mad and maybe more to disappointment. Whatever it is, I am sorry ok.

Him : I wasn’t mad at you… no, not at all.

Me : Whatever you felt back then is highly regretted. But I hope we’re ok.

Him : I can’t stay mad at you dear, I love you too much…

Me : [Hah? Is this guy for real…?] Are you saying that to make me feel even more guilty? You’re not playing with me? I’m thankful that you can’t stay mad at me for long though. Thank you so much…

He didn’t reply to my last text message.

I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the last text message he sent me. I love you too much..?? What’s that supposed to mean? I have known him for more than 10 years now and never throughout the entire friendship has he ever uttered a single word reflecting love, sayang or care towards me. He always makes remarks that sometimes make me want to tear his eyes out. Well, metaphorically. Even another friend thought that he’s too macho to say such words to anyone.

But yes, I have to admit that over the years, he has grown mature so I never feel like tearing his eyes out anymore, but he always has this smug on his face whenever we talked about something. It’s like as if he’s saying, “I know you too well, Ija”. Well why shouldn’t he. He has known me for 12 years now. But then, I’m an open book. Everybody knows me too well for my liking.

It made me think back on the past relationship I had with him. We were never a couple. Never. I was always his close friend. Should he have feelings for me in the past, I don’t know, as he had never made it clear on whether he had feelings for me or not. I do know that he was romantically involved with a girl called S. He introduced me to S and when S ditched him, he tried to win her back. But to no avail. S is married now, so I’ve heard. So there was never a moment that he could have had affections for me unless of course as a friend. He better have affections for me as his friend. Yes he asked me to go to trips with him and explored Europe at his expense, and then there were the occasional gifts. But I always take it that he did that coz I’m his close friend. I mean, he never said anything about loving me be it before I got to know my dearest Bie or before I got married.

But I do remember him being upset when I got engaged to Bie. He didn’t call me for about three months. I merely thought that he was upset coz I didn’t tell him first that I was getting engaged. I mean, I had a lot of other friends as well, especially my girlfriends so it’s only natural that I tell them first.

And he also has given me vibes in the past that he thought I was somewhat special, but they were only vibes. I don’t take hints. You want me, you tell me upfront. Even if you give a million hints, I wouldn’t bother as they’re only hints. Bie went straight to the point. He liked me back then, he went ahead and told me.

[Sigh] I guess he loves me because we’re such close friends. In fact, looking at it now, it’s probably nothing. Maybe I am being perasan only. Oh well… but it’s nice to know that somewhere out there, a friend loves me.

Who Said PD's Not Fun

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to gather with a group of small friends, mainly those I went to school with. These are my close ex-school mates; those who studied form 4 elsewhere because most of them obtained glorious results. In fact, out of yesterday’s group, I was the only one who didn’t study somewhere else after SRP. But, I am happy that we’re still good friends.

Maie’s husband works with FAMA so she managed to obtain cheap accommodations at the Institut Latihan FAMA in PD. I thought the place was really going to be creepy considering that it was a government body’s resort, but the surprise was on me.

We left my parents’ at 1.30pm. The rest of the girls were either on their way or still traveling from KL to Seremban, contrary to what was arranged earlier on (yes Lin, that means you :P). So, when we already passed Telok Kemang, we were skeptical. I mean, where on earth is this FAMA’s resort. We kept on looking for signboards to the place but there were none.

After the army camp, I think about a few kilometers more, we saw the signboard. To get to the resort, we had to pass by ‘kampungs’ and orchards. It was a change from the bustle of the city. Then we saw it. It was white with blue roofs. Niza was already there with her family. I got out of the car and went to the lobby. It was quiet. Either its visitors were busy taking naps or they weren’t anyone else there. The sight of Niza greeting me at the lobby was somewhat pleasing. Apparently she had all the keys with her. She showed me the apartments and we finally resolved to stay in the one near the pool.

I opened the apartment, expecting a strange and stuffy smell coming out from it. But I was wrong. The apartment smelt fresh (courtesy of the citrus air freshener). It was clean. The bedsheets were also clean. The bathroom was clean. The balcony was clean. We could actually walk barefooted without having to worry about our feet being dirtied by dust.

Not long after that, the girls came, one by one. Liny was the last to arrive. She joined us straight at the pool, carrying a plastic bag of warm pisang goreng. So there we were at the pool, watching the kids play and talking. It wasn’t long before I joined in the pool with the kids (and their mothers and fathers). It was also the first time that Marsya got her body wet in a swimming pool. She was excited. She kept on splashing the water. At one time, she fell while walking in the pool and drowned sekejap. She didn’t want to be held. Bie picked her up. She was coughing and scoffing water out. Her eyes were puffy and she was also vomiting. When I took her to the adult pool and placed her in the baby’s float, she was terrified. She held on to me really tight. But when she got the hang of it, she was soon having fun. She even moved her legs in the water as if swimming. It was fun to see her. Her screams could be heard all around the pool. She was having a blast time. When we wanted to get her out of the pool, she was also screaming. Screaming not to be taken out of the pool.

That night Marsya slept at 7.30pm up until 8.30am the next day. Luckily for Bie and I. We could enjoy laughing with our friends without any disturbance from Marsya.

After dinner, we watched Lin’s wedding on dvd. We also ‘kutuk’ her ‘kaw-kaw nyer’. She couldn’t do anything to defend herself. It was funny. After that, we watched Elizabethtown but as most were already sleepy, I didn’t finish the dvd. I think I only stopped at the part where Orlando Bloom got back to the hotel with his father’s cremated body in the urn.

The next morning, we hung out, had breakfast and chit chatted. Lin went to PD’s market to buy fresh flowers for her mother as it was Mother’s Day.

We left the resort at about 2pm.

It was fun. It has been a long time since we gathered like that. In fact, it was the first time that we went somewhere to hang out rather than have short gatherings at any of our houses. I wouldn’t mind doing it again. Cuma we didn’t have much time to gossip. Maybe next time.

Will post pictures soon.

Tupai-Tupai

I had quite a nice lunch yesterday. About 17 of us went to Tupai-Tupai for lunch. Most of the bosses weren’t in. So the prospect of going out for lunch seemed like a tremendous idea.

There were four cars. When we reached Tupai-Tupai, our tables were already booked and the foods have all been pre-ordered. So, about a minute of sitting down, the foods arrived. There was about six dishes altogether. There was Tom Yam, toufu, siakap masak masam-masam manis, telur bungkus, vegetables ikan masin and lemon chicken. They were all good. The Tom Yam however could have been better. I don’t meant to brag but I have eaten a Tom Yam, which tastes so much better. We finished the main course with desert; trifle with ice cream on top.

Our tables were noisy. Apart from the sounds of people munching food, there were a lot of banters and chitchat. Kutuk-mengutuk, catch up on latest gossips, etc, etc. It was a good lunch. And it has been a while since we actually had lunch like that. The last time we did lunch was when we ordered A LOT of pizzas to the office about two months ago. That was good as well.

I love my colleagues. I can’t have enough of them. We are so close. I think I have mentioned this before in my previous post. I will definitely miss them if I leave the company. No doubt that the pay is measly, but the people have never failed to bore me. Even if I come to the office with a mood that makes people cringe, by the end of the day, I would have been better. I have never been in such good company before. I know that I have only worked for two companies since I graduated, but I don’t know whether I’ll find a good company as this at other places. Yeah I know that different places offer different benefits, what with different surroundings and all, but my current environment with these people that I work closely with every day, is just something that I find very hard to let go. Heck, I even shared my desert with a male colleague..!! Something which I don’t normally practice… before you people (whoever’s reading) get the wrong idea.

So yeah, Tupai-Tupai is quite a nice place to hang out if you have a large crowd of friends with you. And it is good to eat out with your colleagues once in a while. I don’t mean eat out at the usual place or tapau bawak naik atas. What I mean is REALLY hang out and have lunch… and of course pay a little extra while you’re at it.

Not So Good Monday Morning

I am in a foul mood this morning. I think it all began last night when I couldn’t find my blue pants. It’s uniform day and I’m supposed to be wearing my blue pants. But as I couldn’t find it, I had to wear my grey pants. And last night, Marsya couldn’t sleep, so she was crying, sort of ‘mengigau’. My dearest Bie (not that dearest last night) didn’t want to wake up. He asked me to pick Marsya from the baby cot, while he continued to sleep. I had to go to the bathroom, but no… he asked ME to pick Marsya up. So we had a few minutes of ‘eye-glaring and non-talking’ argument, and I picked Marsya from her baby cot, hugged her and brought her to sleep with me on the bed.

This morning, on the way to work, I nearly collided with a motorcycle on the traffic light at PJ Hilton… and of course got cursed by the motorcyclist in the process. I didn’t mean to. I was trying to kejar the green light because the cars next to me wouldn’t let me pass by, walhal they were going straight; I wanted to go right. So by the time I got to the traffic light, it was red again and I thought since the police was there, he’d let me pass by. But NO.. not did I only got cursed, the policeman prohibited me from going right. I told him that I wanted to go right into Federal Highway, but he showed his angry face and told me to go straight. I had no choice. I went straight. I guess he saw me nearly langgar the motorcyclist. He could have allowed me to go right, as the traffic from the other side wasn’t using the road yet, but he made me miserable by not allowing me to go right and forcing me to go straight.

I was very upset. The u-turn junction was far ahead and traffic was building up on the federal highway. I didn’t want to be late.

But I went ahead to look for the u-turn and made my way back to the federal highway, my face all squirmy and upset.

As I reached the parking space this morning, I nearly knocked against a fence. Luckily it only ‘kissed’ my car bumper by a mere millimeters distance.

As I didn’t want to be late, I didn’t buy breakfast.

I swiped my card at exactly 8.28 am.

And because of all that have happened, I am not exactly in a very good mood. Let’s hope that by lunch, my mood would have been restored.

Trip To JB

When Bie told me that we HAD to go down south for the weekend to attend a wedding, I felt bored already. I don’t really like going to JB. It’s just so tiring. Sitting in the car for over four hours with Marsya who these days tak boleh duduk diam, is certainly not something I look forward to. Besides Bie would definitely be the only one driving, AND we would definitely have to bring Bak’s kancil. Malasnya…

So Bie decided that we ought to bring our car. It would be more spacious and Marsya can walk from one end of the car to the other. Though my heart still didn’t want to go, I went ahead with the plan anyway. Tak best lah kan if I don’t go (that’s me, trying to be positive about the whole thing). Besides, biler lagi nak kenal dengan my husband’s relatives. So with a very slightly heavy heart, I tried to look forward to the trip to JB.

On Saturday, Bie picked me up from my parents’ place and I was surprised to see my brother-in-law joining us. He NEVER joins in any of the family trips or affairs. He always had something going on. I wondered how Mak got him to join us. I also sighed heavily. That would mean that the car would be very cramped and we would end back to square one. It’s like driving a kancil BUT with five passengers now instead of four… Marsya excluded. But the trip had to go on, so there we were, all five of us cramped in a wira heading towards JB.

We reached JB at 11.00 pm. On the way there, we stopped by the Restoren Jejantas coz Bie and his brother wanted to see the football match between Manchester United and Chelsea. I was a bit irritated because that would mean that we would reach JB quite late. But if the EPL’s on TV, Bie would always find ways to watch it, especially if it involves his MU team. So there we were, for about 45 minutes. We continued our journey to JB before the second half of the game began. Thank goodness for that. By the way, MU lost to Chelsea 3-0. Too bad.

We slept at a relative’s house. Marsya couldn’t sleep that night. She was cranky and didn’t want to sleep. It was past 2.00 am and I was sleepy. My parents-in-laws had long gone to sleep. Bie wanted to watch James Bond. And he asked me to tidurkan Marsya. I got furious. So in the end, we both went upstairs and tried to tidurkan Marsya. My daughter only slept at 2.30 am.

The next day was quite all right. The nasi beriani gam at the wedding was quite nice. And Bie’s relatives were nice people. Their children were very helpful. Ashraf, the son, was quite attentive with Marsya. Ira, his sister, was very accommodating. So I felt ok.

Later that day before we head back to KL, we went to Mak’s friend’s place. She was hosting a Maulidur Rasul at her place and her daughter cooked nasi beriani also. So, I ate more rice (I tell you, I felt totally fat on Sunday). Her daughter is a wonderful cook. She’s a chef at Concorde Shah Alam. After she packed us some of the beriani rice to bring with us back home, we made our way back to KL. Of course we stopped at my parents’ first for more food (see, what did I tell you about me being VERY fat on Sunday).

We only reached KL at 12 midnight. As it was quite late, Mak persuaded me to sleep over at her house. Which I did (it brought back many old memories as I stayed with her after I got married, after all, I slept in my old bedroom. The familiarity of the room was kind of nice, although my personal belongings are no longer there).

After lunch the next day, we went back home. There it was, a tiring but not TOO bad, trip down south. However, I don’t think I want to go down to JB again in the near future. Letihlah. Maybe later though…, much later.

Worried

My menstrual cycle has been a bit off lately. On 30 March 2006, my menstrual came as usual, but it lasted for a month..!! I was a little scared. I should have done my pap smears after I delivered but I was petrified at the thought that the doctor was going to poke weird stuff in me. I mean, I had just delivered at that time and the pain was still fresh in my head. But as my menstrual seemed problematic (I don’t recall having this problem before), I felt that it was time to see my gynecologist.

So yesterday, at about 4pm, during the terrible downpour in the Klang Valley, I made my way to see my gynecologist. You guessed it. I was late. I only reached the hospital at 6.30pm. All major roads in the Klang Valley were congested due to flash floods and accidents. Luckily Dr As was still around.

As I entered the hospital, a welcoming memory swept into my head. This was where I had my baby. The frequent check ups, the friendly staff, the hospitalization period, all swirled in my head. They weren’t bad memories. They were kind of nice. As I made my way to the sofa, I looked at my surroundings. The hospital certainly has changed since the last time I went there. The renovation works that were done during my hospitalization had certainly made the hospital nicer compared to before.

Before I was called in to see Dr As, I had to be weighed. I dreaded the weighing scale. I know that I have put on weight and this was evidential from the pants that I have been wearing; they’re rather tight these days. So when the nurse announced that my weight was 58 kg, I gave a small outcry. I really need to do something with the excess kilos. I need to reduce at least 4 to 5 kg’s if I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. At the moment, I so despise my huge thighs but I am guilty for not doing anything to it. Ahh… I’ll work something out.

Dr As was nice, as usual. She was surprised as she hasn’t seen me for a quite a while. And it was only natural that she thought I was pregnant. I told her my problem and before she checked, she asked me to take a urine test first to see whether I was pregnant. So I did. And the nurse showed the result to Dr As. Part of me was afraid that it’d be positive, but there was a little part of me, very little mind you, somewhere beneath my heart was hoping that I was pregnant. So when Dr As announced that the result was negative, I had mixed feelings, which later of course turned to relief at the fact that I wasn’t pregnant.

So she did the necessary tests and confirmed that my uterus was fine. No fibroids or weird stuff sticking on them. I was thankful for that. She also confirmed that I am currently having my menstrual, for real and that I should see her in two weeks time for further check up and a pap smear.

I sighed with relief. I’m all right. I guess it must be my hormones. Dr As said there was an abnormality in my menstrual but nothing I should be worried about. I don’t remember being stressed though, but who knows. Indirectly I guess the stress could have taken place.

Well, my appointment with Dr As is in two weeks. Let’s see what she has to say then. But for now, I’m thankful. No more worries.

Weekend With Ibu

When I heard that Ayah wouldn’t be at home last weekend, I felt so lazy to go back. Ibu would be busy with her thing and if she went out, I would be left at home with Marsya, Bie, my brothers and Bibik. I sighed at the prospect of going back. So I called Ayah and asked his opinion on whether I should go back and he advised me to go home for the weekend. Ibu wasn’t going anywhere and all my brothers would be there. I relented. So on Saturday morning, I did my laundry as usual and packed the necessary clothing to go back to my parents’ for the weekend.

When I reached the compound, Ibu was already there sitting on the chair. She looked up and smiled. I looked at her and smiled back. Marsya was excited to go out of the car. So I opened the car door and passed Marsya to my brother. Then I heard Ibu saying, “Alah cucu Uwan… dah sampai dah”.

Later that afternoon as I was lying in front of the TV, Ibu asked whether I wanted to go out, pergi minum petang, and I said, “Why not”. Well, we did go for minum petang but at Acik’s place. Acik cooked “keledek goreng” for us and it was good.

The next day, Ibu ajak me to go to Aunty Ani’s shop to look for a new bed. I was quite surprised. It’s not that she never ajak me to go places before, she has done so in the past, but of late, she has been occupied with other things. So I told her that I’m going to Jusco with Ayin (my brother) and if she wanted to come, it’d be good. And she agreed. I know that she was tired and sleepy, but she came with us anyway. She tried to join in all the things that we wanted to do, even though she was tired.

So when she had to leave before Maghrib for prayers at Mambau, she felt bad. After all, I was supposed to go back to KL that night and she didn’t want to miss us before we left for KL. But what was to be done, had to be done. She left for Mambau without even saying goodbye. I felt something weird inside but I brushed it off.

She called me up at 8pm asking when we were leaving for KL. I told her that we would probably leave around 10pm coz Bie wanted to watch Constantine. I told her not to rush though coz if I couldn’t see her that night, I would see her the following weekend, if I go back home again. So after Constantine, we had dinner (eating hurriedly) and left for KL. After all the next day is a working day and I haven’t ironed my clothes.

As I was heading towards the town area, Ibu called. She had just finished her thing and wanted to see us before we left for KL. I assured her that it was all right and that I’d see her again, but she was adamant. She told us to park somewhere and she would meet us there. So we parked at Petronas and waited for her arrival.

She arrived about 10 minutes later. I saw her got out of the car and walked towards my car. My daughter was eager to see her. So when Ibu opened the car door, Marsya held up her arms to Ibu. Ibu picked her up and kissed her all over. Marsya did not even want to come back inside the car. She was actually clinging to her Uwan. I liked it. It was the first time that Marsya didn’t want to let go of Ibu. And I smiled.

We said our goodbyes at the petrol station and head our separate ways.

Ibu is still Ibu. Though she may have her flaws (who’s perfect anyway) and sometimes makes us mad, she is still Ibu. And I’m sure we make her mad as well. But that’s another thing. I can never stay away from Ibu too long. I have to admit that of late she’s been occupied with a lot of things and I guess being her daughter I got sensitive all over. I should have been more understanding, I guess. No matter what she is, she’s my Ibu. My mother. The woman who gave birth to me and who brought me up into what I am today. No matter what our differences are, I will love her until her dying days.

Dinner With Friends

Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to have dinner with Zam and his new wife. We had dinner at the Roadhouse Grill in Jalan Ampang as that was convenient for both of us as Zam stays in Jalan Tun Razak, while I stay in… you know where. I haven’t had the chance to chit-chat with Zam even before he got married. Previously when asked, about getting married, he always sighed and said, “Hujung tahun…”. And this went on for quite a number of years. Every year when I asked him the ‘marriage’ question, he would say end of the year. But he never seemed to have met anyone to walk the aisle with him.

Suddenly out of the blue, he called Bie up and said that he was getting engaged and he wanted Bie to be there. I was surprised, as I didn’t know that he was seeing anyone. But yeah… it was quite sudden. Zam and his wife only knew each other for a couple of months. They got engaged and last month they got married. I guess I could call it a “whirlwind romance”.

When we parked the car at the Roadhouse Grill compound, I saw Zam and his new wife already waiting for us. Marsya was asleep so I had to lift her gently from my lap (she woke up soon after). Zam’s wife, Id greeted us and we entered the restaurant.

I didn’t talk to Id much. I was busy with Marsya who by the way was making quite a racket throwing peanuts on the floor… and of course I was busy observing Id. She didn’t talk to me much. She talked and laughed with my dearest Bie. I can understand that she may felt comfortable with Bie, so that’s why she only talked to him alone. Zam was sitting next to Id, looking content and happy. His slowly increasing waistline is the evidence for that.

After looking at her for a while, I began to see why Zam likes her. She’s sweet. In fact, she looks better without any make-up on as opposed to having lots of make-up. She’s quite big-sized, but she’s not fat. And the one thing, which I am very sure as to why Zam adores her, is that she talks and laughs a lot. Zam didn’t have to say anything. Id did most of the talking. When I began to join in the conversation, I could see that her edginess sort of calmed down. She began talking to me, looking at me while talking. She talked about the wedding reception in Terengganu and laughed at how both her and Zam overslept the next morning. She also showed the wedding photographs and I could see that she was happy. There’s no telling about Zam. He kept on beaming throughout the entire dinner.

I am happy that Zam has found his ‘one’. And I’m glad that Id sees all the wonderful things in Zam. As I sat watching them eat in front of me, I could see that Id would gently pat Zam’s shoulder and leaned against him when Bie and I talked about something. During few moments, I would hear her call, “Abang…” and I smiled.

No Longer The Apple Of The Eye

Last Friday night, I came back from work late. I had a management paper to do and it had been long pending. When I reached Mak Su’s house, she was with Wan. Apparently Wan was experiencing labour pain. Her contraction periods were getting shorter and her face was red as she was trying to cope with the pain. It reminded me of the time when I was about to introduce Marsya to the face of the earth. It was scary and I could feel her pain. I mean, who came up with the statement, “…masuk anak nombor dua nanti, lupa dah sakit nak beranak”. Hello..!! The pain is fresh in my head, ok. Anyway, Mak Su was to accompany Wan to the University Hospital. So the clothes were packed and Wan sat on the sofa, her face all red. We could hardly hear her voice.

Then it dawned on me: Marsya will no longer be the apple of everyone’s eyes…

It saddened me. Mak Su will be baby-sitting the new baby when Wan gets back to work after her confinement period. Marsya will no longer be the baby of the house. She will be replaced with the new baby. My poor baby…

I told Bie and he told me not to be upset. He said, “Kalau yang lain dah tak manjakan dia, kita still manjakan dia. Apa you nak risau? Abi and Umi dia kan ada”. In a way he was right. But I can’t help feeling that Marsya will not be taken care of dengan penuh kasih saying. I think I’ve gone bonkers. Whatever it is, Marsya is still Mak Su’s granddaughter and NOTHING can take that away from her, not even the new baby. Besides, the new baby will not be doing much. After all, she’s still a baby. Marsya is a year plus and is at that particular age where everybody likes to kacau just to see her laugh or cry. Ok, this is me, trying to make sense of the whole thing. Trying to accept that Marsya will no longer be the baby of the house.

I guess I’m feeling this way because right now, in my life, Marsya is the apple of MY eye. Since she doesn’t have any brother or sister, she will continue to be the apple of our eyes (our being me and Bie).

Oh well, who am I to prevent Mak Su from taking up new babies. Even if Mak Su doesn’t want to take care of any new baby, she can’t refuse Wan. Wan’s eldest boy was taken care by Mak Su when he was a baby. So it’s only natural that the new baby be taken care of Mak Su as well. I mean, Mak Su is just the type of woman that every mother looks for in a baby-sitter. She is compassionate, fun, caring and loving. That’s why most mothers send their babies to Mak Su’s, including me. Coupled with a caring husband like Pak Su, NO ONE can resist NOT sending their children to Mak Su’s and Pak Su’s.

Anyway, Wan delivered a beautiful baby girl on early Saturday morning. She named her Wan Najwa. Mak Su said she’s very fair. And weighs about 2.72 kg, which I think is all right considering Wan’s VERY small sized tummy when she was pregnant. In a way, I can’t wait to see the new baby as well. I haven’t bought the baby any gift. I think I prefer to give the new baby some ‘ang-pow’. I think that worth a lot more than any baby gift since she already has an older brother, whose toys are pretty much just lying around.

Well Marsya, looks like you have to compromise with Najwa. You see, Marsya is also very ‘manja’ with Najwa’s father. “Pantang nampak Mi, menggapai jer tangan suruh angkat”. Anyhow, having Najwa around is probably a positive thing. It’ll help Marsya (and me) to deal with the probability of having a new baby in the future.

Forever And For Always

In your arms
I can feel your heart beat now
I can really feel your love
In your arms
I can still feel the way you want me
When you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered
When you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
And there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

Chorus:

'Cause I'm keeping you
Forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning
To your sweet face
Always-----oooh baby

In your heart
I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart
I know how much you miss me
I can still feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't now way
And there ain't no howI'll never see that day....

Repeat Chorus:

(I wanna wake up every morning... with you )
In your eyes
(I can still see the look of the one)
I can still see the look of the one who really loves me
(I can still feel the way that you want)
The one who wouldn't put anything
Else in the world above me
(I can still see your love for me)
I can still see your love for me in your eyes
(I still see the love)

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
And there ain't no howI'll never see that day....

Repeat Chorus (2x):
I'm keeping you forever and for always...
That's a keeper
Baby Oooh always and forever
I'm in your arms

I got this song Forever and For Always by Shania Twain from my dearest Bie on our 2nd year anniversary. I guess, we just got married and everything... and I was also heavily pregnant with Marsya, so Bie must have gotten a little sentimental and thus dedicated this song to me. Well, personally, I like the song. The melody is soothing, the lyric shows love and the video clip is so sweet. Check it out people. This song is worth listening to...

Don’t Know What To Say

Have you ever felt that sometimes it’s just so tiring to listen to people’s problems? I mean, yeah you listen to it but the person who’s telling you seems to think that you’re on their side while the other party thinks that you’re actually on their side. I mean, there are limits to it and I think I’m tired of the whole thing already. But since both parties matter to you, you just can’t walk away. So you just sit there and listen.

Well personally, I am tired of it. But I can’t say no, nor can I just walk off and ignore that things didn’t happen. Because they did. And I guess, it will continue to happen for quite a while more. I don’t know what to do. I’m at loss. Lucky for me, when I don’t want to listen I can just go off and do things, which they can’t say no to.

The problem at hand may actually be the size of a peanut, but if not taken care of sooner, can grow into the size of a… I don’t know, a huge beach ball, perhaps. I do so badly want to solve it; get it all out in the open but I can’t. I still have to respect certain people and certain parties. It’s all very tiring really. I don’t know how long I can actually tolerate the whole thing. I am tired. Tired of having to make amends and excuses trying to cover them up. So that others can’t see right through them.

I don’t know what to call this. It’s not really a burden, but it is definitely something to ponder on. If it isn’t cured here and then, goodness knows what’s going to happen. Others may view it as non-problematic. They may even think that I’m making fuss over nothing. And that I’m the one who’s dramatic. But I can’t help it. The others do not go through what I have to go through. They don’t carry this burden on their shoulders. I do. I’m also very scared. And whenever I have the chance, I pray that Allah will light our way and not let us walk blindly in the dark.

Something For The Tooth Fairy

I went to the dentist yesterday. It’s been ages since I actually went to see one. At first I was really scared. I remembered the last time I checked my teeth was when I was about 12 years old. The dentist had to jab my mouth to numb it as I had quite a filling to do plus the dentist needed to extract a swollen molar tooth out. It was excruciatingly painful..!! I remember the incident like as if it was last week. And naturally, that made me very scared to see a dentist.

So, when Dr Liew ushered me in to his room, I was scared. But I kept quiet and tried to relax. I tried not looking at the metal equipment by the side of the chair. When Dr Liew asked me to sit, I felt like I was going to be tied up to the electric chair. I was terrified. But, I kept my calmness. I mean, if it hadn’t be for the terrible tooth ache that I had been suffering for quite a number of weeks now, I wouldn’t dare make myself available at the dentist. So I thought, “Let’s get it over and done with”.

I must admit that I am thankful for Dr Liew. He was patient and tried his best not to make me scared and of course, feel the pain, after he learnt that I dislike dentists and because of that I haven’t checked my teeth in like a very long time. He talked in a soothing manner and explained each of his conduct. First he jabbed me. I remember when I was younger; the needle seemed much bigger and longer. But yesterday, the needle wasn’t THAT long. It was still big, no doubt about that. But, NOT THAT long. I felt the pain as the needle went through my gums, but surprisingly, I endured it pretty well.

Then, he cleaned my teeth and gums; getting rid of all the decays. He was surprised at the fact that I haven’t seen a dentist for more than 15 years because he said that my teeth didn’t seem to reflect that. I felt good when he said that. So my teeth weren’t so bad after all.

However, Dr Liew discovered that I had four holes to fill in. I was surprised as well. I would have thought that I only had at most two holes, but unfortunately there were more. But I didn’t mind. As long as I was there, I told Dr Liew to fill in whichever hole he saw. And he did.

After an hour or so, Dr Liew finished performing his task. He told me to come back and see him in six months to see whether there would be potential holes to fill in. And to my surprise, I agreed. I mean, going to the dentist wasn’t that bad. I was lucky that I didn’t have to go through the root canal procedure or extract any molar tooth, which is even more painful.

So now, I’m still afraid to go see a dentist, but the fear isn’t as much as it used to be. I think everyone should take care of his or her teeth. Try brush the fear aside because if you keep on holding on to the toothache, later the teeth may be irreparable and the dentist may have to take it out, and THAT is even more painful not to mention, costly.

When Is The Right Time To Have Another One

I received a text message last night from Sha. She is expecting. Six weeks now. I felt very happy for her. That is what she has been wanting since the last time I saw her. Besides, her son is probably two years old now, so I think that would be the perfect time to have another one. Well, for her anyway. She lost her unborn baby when it was only four months and was in a state of depression. She recovered from her depression only when she conceived another baby. And now, she’s pregnant again, for the third time.

Something in me welled up. As soon as I replied to her message, congratulating her and what naught, I looked at Marsya. Is she ready to have a brother or a sister? Marsya was asleep on my lap. She just had her milk and seemed very content. I brushed her hair to the side and looked at her perky little mouth. Then I thought, “Am I ready to be pregnant again? Am I ready to go through a period of morning sicknesses and slowly enlarging bulging tummy?”. I don’t know. What I do know is that, I am afraid. Afraid of being in that terrible state of morning sicknesses, the third trimester, the labour pain and the confinement period.

I had terrible morning sicknesses. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn’t so much of a morning sickness; it was more like a sickness throughout the day and night and that went on until my fifth month of pregnancy. Then, there was the burden of having to carry a huge stomach. My back was painful. I couldn’t walk as fast. And it got worse at the end of the third trimester. My feet were swollen and I couldn’t sleep on the side. I had to have my feet on the pillows every night while going to sleep. And waking up from the bed can be a very painful task. After that, I felt as if the lower part of my abdomen was weighing me down. I had to hold on to it for fear of it suddenly dropping. The labour pain was another thing. I was lucky to be in the labour room for two hours. BUT it was the aftermath that kept on haunting me till today. I don’t know how I did in the labour room, but I guess the pushing was a little too much and I had problems with my… you know what. Well, it was bleeding from the inside and doing the pooh-pooh thingy was excruciating. The stitch on the canal where my baby came through was also painful. Then there was the post-maternity blues. I was depressed!! I couldn’t go out. I had to eat certain type of foods only and I had to wear socks and jackets to keep myself warm. I couldn’t surf the Internet as that would strain the eyes (that’s what Ibu said lah) and that kept me even more depressed. The monthly check up at the doctor’s was the only fulfilling thing for me.

So you see, I don’t know when I should be pregnant again. Besides, previously it was just me and my dearest Bie. But now, there’s Marsya.

I went to 1-Utama on Saturday and I saw a pregnant lady, probably coming to about 7 months of her pregnancy, carrying a baby (about a year and a half) who was bawling about something. That scared me. The mother herself was heavy due to the bulging stomach, and she was carrying a full-grown baby who was crying wanting only the mother. It did give me some sort of a fright.

So, I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want another baby at this point of time. I am happy for friends who are about to have one, but me? I just don’t think so… not at this time, anyway.