I am feeling ever so down lately. And I hate to admit it, but I know why. Apart from the pending ‘best friend’ who comes every month, my emotions have been a bit of a roller coaster. The management just announced the promotion list and it looks like as if I may have to report to a former colleague. No doubt he’s good, and sharp and committed, but I don’t know whether I can report to him. He came to my house to visit me during my confinement last year and I was wearing shorts (with knee high socks by the way – it was just way too hot that time), we joked around foolishly and his wife and I are friends. But now I may have to report to him and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with that idea… [sigh]..
What am I saying? Reporting to a colleague is the least troublesome thing that’s meddling my head. There are in fact other things, which are troubling my head. My relationship with someone whom I dearly love is at stake. I don’t know how I can keep up with this anymore. Am I in the wrong? Am I not being understanding enough? How can I pretend and act like as if nothing has happened. I am tired of this. Very tired. Things are not the way they are anymore. Whenever we plan something, it always fails because of unforeseen circumstances. I try to understand, I really do but somehow the supportive aspect is slowly making its way down the drain. Is it me? Am I too naïve to understand certain things because I’m not capable to? I hate it when I am accused of not caring anymore. I do care. Very much. If I don't care, I wouldn't bother to even think about it.
My closed ones are the place where I let off the anguish, the burden, and the sadness. I pray to Allah that things will go back the way they were. If not better. I know I’m confused and probably too small-minded to learn things that are beyond my puny little brain but shouldn’t we go to back to basics? Or are the basics too fundamental that they’re not acceptable anymore.
What am I saying? Reporting to a colleague is the least troublesome thing that’s meddling my head. There are in fact other things, which are troubling my head. My relationship with someone whom I dearly love is at stake. I don’t know how I can keep up with this anymore. Am I in the wrong? Am I not being understanding enough? How can I pretend and act like as if nothing has happened. I am tired of this. Very tired. Things are not the way they are anymore. Whenever we plan something, it always fails because of unforeseen circumstances. I try to understand, I really do but somehow the supportive aspect is slowly making its way down the drain. Is it me? Am I too naïve to understand certain things because I’m not capable to? I hate it when I am accused of not caring anymore. I do care. Very much. If I don't care, I wouldn't bother to even think about it.
My closed ones are the place where I let off the anguish, the burden, and the sadness. I pray to Allah that things will go back the way they were. If not better. I know I’m confused and probably too small-minded to learn things that are beyond my puny little brain but shouldn’t we go to back to basics? Or are the basics too fundamental that they’re not acceptable anymore.
It makes me sad. Very sad. I don’t want to be branded as the most unsupportive one. Initially I tried to be supportive. But lately, my patience is just thinning. And what’s obvious is that, it's not just my patience alone.
2 comments:
Dear Ija,
Re the colleague. Its not easy I know, but try to be open about it ok. It might turns up very well, and you will probably enjoy the change. But if you dont, you can always leave you know, eheh. No doubt difficult to find a place like you have now, but there are other opportunities out there.
Re the one you love... Hmm... Can I just say "sabar & berdoa byk" and thats that?
Love you lots. Hugss.
Thanks Pah. I really do..
*long hugs*
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