Irritated By Someone

How do you get over an irritation that is caused by someone who has no idea that he is actually irritating you? I am having that problem now. It’s no one really and it is purely work-related. I really want to show my professionalism around him, and I think I have, but deep inside I know that I am giving him a hard time.

Whenever he approaches my cubicle and asked, “So is there anything that I can do for you? Any work?”, I get irritated because, it’s not like I have never given him work before. My first experience with him when it comes to work was not actually good. He’s this young executive who has just joined the department. But he will not be here for long. He’s on an attachment basis, if you can call it that, and he will rotate within the group company every six months or so. So, he is not very focused nor is he committed. Whenever I give him something to do, yes he’ll do it, but then he would tell me that he has got to see his mentor, or that he has a seminar which finishes after 5pm and will not come back to the office, or that he’ll not be around for the next 4 or 5 days because he has to attend some workshops in relation to his young executive scheme project. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to have the confidence in you whenever I give you things to do, you just can’t seem to deliver? Yes no doubt you have other important things to do, but the work I give you is equally important. End up; I have to do it myself.

What makes me mad is that my boss asked me to give him more work because he has to rate him by the end of the day, and how is he going to rate him if all he does is do the photocopying or binding? Fine.. but this young bloke’s failure to deliver will be at my expense. My reputation. I hate that. There is another executive in the department. Fairly new as well, but somehow he can do work. He’s unlike the other bloke. And I find him quite reliable. But my boss has asked me to stop using him because it seems, others in the department are also using him to their benefits. Work-wise of course. I mean, why am I the one that has to compromise.

So these days, whenever he asks me for more tasks, I can’t seem to be nice about it. My head would be talking inside saying things like, “Yeah.. err.. I seriously do not know what to give you because I find you irritating”. I can’t say that, can I? How do I get over the irritation? Because of this, I find other things he does annoying as well. It’s not very professional of me, I know that, but he has done a little mistake. And first impression really does count.

At the moment, I am asking him to send out the survey forms to all our financial stakeholders. So far so good, but he keeps on referring to me even on the littlest of things. Do it yourself, first. If you don’t know, then let me know. Don’t expect me to spoonfeed you all the time. Penatlah macam ni. I thought you wanted to be Manager-material… [sigh].. it’s just so tiring thinking about it. I don’t want us to have problems, but whenever he starts asking me whether I have jobs to give him, it ticks me. Stop asking me..!! I’ll give stuff for you to do if you stop harassing me with that question. It can be very tiring you know. And imagine, I have to put up with this for the next two months. I wonder whether others are also having similar prolems.

Dessert Bar

One of my very close friends is experiencing some problems. She works at KLCC and asked us to meet her there. She just wanted to get some things off her chest. Unfortunately, not all of the Gurls could make it. So there were only me and Pah. Pah came all the way from Putrajaya. She fetched me at the office and we made our way to KLCC. The roads were terribly jammed. So we reached KLCC just after Maghrib. We went for our prayers and later met MF at the Dessert Bar, located on the 2nd floor at KLCC. I thought they only served dessert but I was wrong. They also serve sandwiches. So I had a chicken wrap (very nice.. the wrap itself was nice. It was all cheesy and soft. The salad dressing was also nice. I wonder what sauce they used), whilst Pah had a Belgian chocolate dip (fantastic..!! The warm chocolate was just soooo nice.. and we dipped some cut fruits into the soft chocolate and later dipped the chocolate soaked fruits with nuts… SEDAP..), a chocolate cheese brownie, and MF had a chocolate cake (I think that’s what it was. Couldn’t make out the taste). So yeah, apart from the great company, the food was also good. Well, when it comes to the Gurls, the food is always good.

Anyway, while eating our foods, we talked. MF has been having quite a major problem since the last six months. And lately, it has been affecting her work performance. In fact, she is to meet her boss today just to discuss why she has been ‘going off’ lately. She couldn’t focus while at work and her reception of certain information is very slow. Some (nasty) people at the office are calling her ‘ting-tong’ i.e. on the verge of loosing it, if you know what I mean. I pity her. She is a good lady. Pretty and bright, but now with the problems that she’s facing, I am so afraid that she might loose it all. No one deserves this of course, but only Allah knows best. Who are we to say that she does not deserve the misfortune that is befalling her at the moment? Everyone at certain stage of their lives experiences challenges and misdeeds. These are all Allah’s way of testing us to see whether we remember Him or not. After all everything comes from Him.

But MF looked very affected with the whole ordeal. Not only does she suffer physically, but mentally she is also affected. The sad thing is that I don’t know what I can do to help. All I could do was give her emotional support. Be there and listened to her grief. And give an opinion or two when she wants them. It’s all so heart-wrenching. I really want her to get well. But only Allah decides when one gets well. One can only continue to try different methods and medicine in order to get well but by the end of the day, Allah decides.

So yeah, she will probably sought help all the way from Kelantan soon. I pray that she gets well. I really do. She is my friend and I really want to see her get well. I hate what this thing is doing to her. She seems distraught and edgy. Not really the MF I used to know. I wasn’t sitting across her, but Pah did. And she said, just by looking at her face, one would know that she has problems. MF, I really hope you get well soon. I hate that you’re starting to have doubts. You’ve always been a much focused lady who knows what she wants and go ahead and do it. That was you. I hope whatever it is that is troubling you at the moment will be solved for good. Remember, if you need us to accompany you, let us know.

And Pah.. dearest Pah… I love you, girl. You know what you did. I was really touched. First there was the head-dress thingy which you left for me in the room. Then in the car, on the way to work… well, you know what you did. I was truly touched. I had tears brimming in my eyes but I stopped them from falling. There were just no words to express how I felt this morning. And I am at the moment highly sensitive of EVERYTHING. Your act of kindness will be repaid my dearest friend. If not now, I hope I’ll be given the chance to repay your kindness later in life. Suffice to know that you can count on me for anything. If it is within my power and ability, I will try to assist you in any way I can. Insya Allah…

I also met someone at the KLCC yesterday. We bumped into each other at the tunnel heading towards the convention centre. At first I didn’t realize that it was him. I was on my way to KLCC, while he was on his way to his office at Exxon Mobil. As he got closer, then I realized that it was him. Man.. he looked good. He has been working out and has lost quite a weight since I last saw him in late May this year. Well, not a LOT of weight; he still has some some meat on him, but he looked good. I liked looking at him like that. I obviously have gone a little fat now that I’m healthy and can eat well. But he on the other hand just looked good. For a father of two girls and two boys, he sure doesn’t look like he’s got four kids. Kudos to you, Babe. Looking great.

Me and him, we just go a long way back. I started to know him during the days that I was waiting for my SPM results to come out. I was introduced to him at a friend’s house during the Eid open house back in 1993 I think. I seriously didn’t expect our friendship to be this lasting. But yeah, it has. And the best part of it is that, it has been growing stronger. My parents know him, his mother (Al-Fatihah, bless her soul and may she rest in peace.. she just passed away after Eid this year) also knew me. Before I got married, I used to hang out with him a lot. I mean, literally a lot. If we were in KL, it would always be at the Uptown Damansara, and then he would send me back to Wangsa Maju as I was renting there. Otherwise, Taipan Subang. If we were in Seremban, it would always be at Bashir or Seremban 2. All we did was just talk. Chit-chat and hang out. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning. Before he got married, we took a drive to PD late at night, but because it was boring, we headed back to Seremban, to Bashir. I got back at nearly 3 or 4 in the morning. Luckily Ibu was cool about it. Ayah doesn’t know though. If he does, he would flip. He didn’t really like me going out with my guy friends a lot. At that time, I was already befriending Bie. But, we were friends. It was harmless. Besides, Bie accepts our friendship. Even till this day, if I wanted to see him, Bie would give his consent. He doesn’t get uptight and jealous about it. Thank goodness for that. Yeah.. those were the days. And now I’m having my 3rd child, whereas he already has four.

I guess that’s life. Anyway, MF… please get well soon… *hugs*

Tom & Jerry

I am very tired this morning. I slept late because my son, Muhammad Raqib wanted to watch Tom & Jerry, a DVD that Ayah bought for him for straight 10 hours. I was really on the verge of a breakdown last night. The fact that I was dead tired didn’t help. Raqib is staying with me this week because I’ll be on leave this Thursday and Friday after the Aidil Adha celebration tomorrow. At least I can take care of him at home. I know he misses to stay with me. Thereafter, I may have to send him back to Seremban, but this time with his sister Marsya. So I don’t think it’s going to be that bad.

Anyway, as soon as I reached home yesterday (luckily I had dinner at my in-laws), I went to straightened the kitchen, sorted out the laundry, packed the kids’ clothes because we’re staying over at our in-laws tonight (I know their house is just about 10 minutes away, but it’s Aidil Adha, and it is their turn this year anyway, so I thought better stay there for the night) which of course involved pressing their clothes, ensuring that their normal clothes and pyjamas are packed, their milk and so forth are also packed. Then I washed more clothes (it’s the only time I could do the laundry) and tried to stay up so that I could hang them outside on the balcony. But Raqib yesterday had other plans. He wanted to watch the Tom & Jerry DVD. I sort of blamed Ayah for it. I know I shouldn’t, but I was tired. And he wouldn’t want to go to sleep. The DVD was non-stop for 10 straight hours. Bie wasn’t well. After he took his medicine, he was in between sleeps (and not really awake for anything) so the kids were with me. I couldn’t really rely on him.

At 12.15am, Marsya realized that she had homework to do. I told her that she could do it over the holidays, but no, she wanted to do it last night. So there I was going through her work. Of course Raqib also wanted to do work. At 1am, I told them to go to sleep. Marsya packed her books and was about to pack Raqib’s books too. Of course Raqib wouldn’t hear of it. He wanted to do his ‘homework’, so they fought on the bed at 1 in the morning. Raqib slapped Marsya’s head with his Ben 10 watch (which is rather bulky). I have to admit, it looked rather painful. So of course Marsya cried her head out. So I slapped Raqib’s hand, then he cried. All these happening at 1 in the morning; and Bie did not even stir.

I coaxed both kids into going to sleep. Marsya listened to me and took her position beside me. But Raqib apparently has not had enough of Tom & Jerry. He wanted to continue and watch. I was mad. It was nearly 2am. I was tired. Really tired. Nothing can explain the fatigue that I was experiencing. So I left him in the bedroom and went to sleep in the guest room. I even texted Ayah before going to sleep, blaming him for my son not wanting to go to sleep (it was terrible of me, and I have apologized to Ayah this morning. Apparently Ayah called me and asked me to bring the DVD back to Seremban, so at least Raqib wouldn’t have the chance of watching Tom & Jerry in KL, and I wouldn’t be facing the same problem every night. Terrible of me, right? I didn’t mean to send the text to him, but I was sort of mad). Right after I texted him, I fell asleep.

I woke up at 6.30am, later than usual and proceeded to my usual morning routine i.e. prepared breakfast for the kids and Bie (I did French toast with jam), packed their foods, bathed Raqib, hung out more laundry, and got ready to go to work. So by the time I was in the car, I was tired again. The sleep the night before didn’t refresh me at all. And the rushing of the usual routine this morning only made it worse.

And now I’m at the office, but I can’t even begin to think on starting work. The Boss has come up to me and asked me for the ROCSA board paper (since I’ll be on leave on Thursday and Friday), but I have not mustered up the determination and mind-set to even start on that yet.. [sigh].. All I could think of was going to sleep. A half an hour nap would be the best medicine at the moment. Tonight, I have to prepare the ingredients to make Ayam Masak Merah and Nasi Tomato. Mak wants that to be served for the Aidil Adha tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day… [sigh]..

Eyes Puffy

I seriously thought that Raqib would stay with me for the whole of this week and next. I was planning to send him to my in-laws, so that he’ll no longer be in Seremban. I can’t bear to be far away from him. I love him too much. Hearing him talk on the phone is just not enough. It is not the same as hugging him or cuddling him to sleep. So when my parents brought him home this weekend, I thought he was going to stay with me. There was no way that he would be coaxed into leaving for Seremban with my parents. Besides, whenever my parents brought up the subject of going back to Seremban with them, he would say, “Adik nak duduk rumah Adik”, meaning, he wants to stay at home, with his Umi, Abi and Kak Long.

So yesterday, I invited my parents-in-law for lunch. My parents were at home and I thought what better way to get them close. So I cooked Egg Curry (Bak’s favourite dish.. I don’t know why, but he likes it very much), Prawn Sambal, Fried Mixed Vegetables and Fried Fish with Sambal. They came, they ate, they talked with my parents and not long after that, they took their leave. Before leaving, I asked Bie to ask his parents whether we can put Raqib at their place for the weekdays. It will only be from morning till 6.30pm or so, until I get back from work. Mak was ok but was expecting my dearest Bie to be around the house in the morning. And I know that Bie couldn’t do that. Though his timing is flexible, there are times when he couldn’t be around. And considering Mak wasn’t well as well, she was recovering from a fever, I knew that she couldn’t take care of Raqib. Marsya’s fine because she can basically take care of herself. But Raqib needs looking after.

So my parents talked to Raqib yesterday and sweet-talked him into going back to Seremban with them. At first he was hesitant. He didn’t say anything, didn’t show any feedback or response. But then, he suddenly asked for his bag (where I packed his clothes) and agreed to go back to Seremban. I was devastated. I wanted him to stay with me. But I know I didn’t have a choice. So I asked him again, whether he really wanted to go back to Seremban with his Atuk and Uwan. And he said yes. Then he hugged and kissed me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face. This would mean that I have to be apart from him, again. I had plans. I had wanted to take him out to dinner. I didn’t want to be with just Marsya. I wanted both my children to be out at that dinner. Besides, I was going to be on leave this Thursday. Marsya has her test for that eligibility to Standard One before the age of seven. So I am all there for Raqib. So him going back to Seremban with my parents was not what I wanted.

I changed his clothes and bathed him. We played bubbles (it’s our favourite game whenever I bathe him) and I was creating as many bubbles that I could and stuck them to his hands and arms. He was screaming with delight in the bathroom. After the shower, I put on some clean clothes on him and hugged him close to me. He returned the hug, tightly.

I put on my hijab so that I could take him downstairs; to send him off. I was already crying. I couldn’t help it. I was just so sad. At the lobby, I held him close and kissed his face many times. He looked at me and said, “Umi jangan nangis yer”. Imagine my three year-old telling me not to cry. That made me cry even more. Even Bie who was standing nearby was emotionally affected. I opened the car door and coaxed him to go inside the car. He looked at me, with glistening eyes. But he didn’t cry. Then I waved him goodbye. He stood on the car seat and waved us goodbye until we were no longer in sight. I entered into the lift and cried. Like a little child who just lost her favourite doll. Marsya was also crying. I hugged her and we cried together.

I think I cried for nearly an hour. Bie didn’t say anything to me. He just gave me space. He was never the type that consoles. I guess he just didn’t know how. My eyes were puffy. My nose was big and red. I was a mess. I stopped for Asar and cried again just before I perform my prayers. I was just devastated. I was sad. I called Ibu just to find out how he was doing. Ibu said he didn’t cry. But he looked very sad. He just kept quiet and stared out the window. His eyes were teary but the tears didn’t fall. Later, he just went to sleep. He slept all the way to Seremban. I think Ibu was also crying. She was crying because she was sad for both me and Raqib. She is a mother. Of course she would know. And she is MY mother. Of course she would know. She told me not to be sad, and not to cry because Raqib would feel my sadness and cry too. The bond between a child and a mother, especially one that breastfeeds, is very strong. So she asked me to control my sadness, for Raqib’s sake.

So yeah, I am now counting the days for Friday where I can finally go back to Seremban to see my son. I told Bie last night that I wish tomorrow was a Friday. So he suggested that we go back to Seremban on Thursday, after Marsya’s test. So Marsya will not go to school on Friday (ponteng lah) and I would have to go to work from Seremban. The suggestion reassured me a bit. So yeah, now I am counting for Thursday to come. Three more nights in KL, then off I am to Seremban. I can’t wait.

The challenges of a working mom… [sigh]…

A Bit Frustrated Today

Apparently, we are going to have another major corporate exercise involving a strategic acquisition of another company. It was announced in major newspapers today and an announcement was released about it on Bursa yesterday. I really, really wanted to be involved. I really do. This would be different than the ones that I have been involved in which was always related to debt restructuring or raising capital. This is about acquiring another company. A plan which we didn’t foresee happening at all, and yet there it is on the table.

My boss called me up yesterday, asking me how I was feeling, and whether I was ready to accept another challenge. Of course I felt a bit weird. Why was he asking me how I was feeling? I thought it was a trick question. You never know, these bosses. Sometime they may have something up their sleeves but they just don’t want to be too direct about it. So then I was told about this exercise and whether I wanted to be in the project team. I was in a limbo. I wanted so badly to be in the team but I was afraid that I could not commit much because I am after all pregnant and will deliver end of February next year. The exercise is only due for completion in March next year. That’s way beyond my labour date. Besides, now that I’m in my 6th month, going back late every other nights and working on weekends may not be the best option. Not to mention that I no longer have a maid. I know these corporate exercises. They have deadlines and require a lot of commitment. I know. I was involved in two of them. My boss told me that he asked me first before he approached another staff because he wanted me to make my decision first. Which I thought was very nice of him.

Unfortunately, much to my regret (but there’s just nothing much I can do), I had to decline. I felt bad. I was afraid I could not commit. But deep inside, I really want to be a part of it. It’s something that I have never been involved in. Call me selfish, but I want to experience something as big as this because then I call tell people that I was involved in that deal. Yeah, a bit over the top isn’t it, but that’s just me. Besides, I love the challenge, the adrenaline rush and the invisible power that somehow exists because you have the information while others don’t. Knowledge is pretty powerful stuff. But I can’t. I know I shouldn’t be blaming it on the gender thingy (I like doing that in the past), but being a woman, and pregnant too, can somehow disrupt your career advancement. I’m not saying that it happens in all organizations, but most Malaysian companies feel that women employees, no matter how good they are, once they get married and have babies, then that’s it. Family becomes the priority, works becomes second. I have always felt that us woman have to work twice as hard compared to men just to show to our bosses that we are equally good. When for actual fact, sometimes we are better than the men. Look at the number of students at the university. Just how many of them are women? So yeah, I’ve always had to say yes when sometimes, domestically it’s just quite impossible to do. But I felt that I needed to prove to the bosses that I am equal to my male counterpart. Yeah, ALL of my bosses are men. Some of them are so chauvinistic that they wouldn’t hear a word you say when for actual fact, what they say is wrong. Bodoh sombong.

So yeah, I am a bit frustrated today. The exercise has been approved by the Board. They’re doing the press conference and analyst briefing today. And of course they’ll be working together with the merchant banker throughout this weekend as the submission to the SC is on Monday. Exciting isn’t it. It’s just so interesting. Oh well, I have to let go and let others do it. Give them some exposure as well. Meanwhile, I should be concentrating on enjoying my weekend with my children. Both my children as my parents are sending over my son tonight. He has been staying with my parents in Seremban. Poor Raqib. And tomorrow is Marsya’s end of year concert. She will be singing and dancing. And also perhaps her kindergarten convocation. If all goes well, provided that she passes the test with the Education Ministry next Thursday to be held in Shah Alam, she’ll be in Standard One next year at the age of six. So yes, I have to be there for her as well. See.. what did I tell you about women and priorities after marriage?.. [sigh].. well, that’s life for you. Whether we like it or not, we have to make our choices. Whether the choice is a good one, that’s another story.

Life Towards the end of October

Life without Aini has its pros and cons. On the one hand, I somehow treasure my privacy. I am free to wear and do whatever I want without the worry that she may emerge from her room. But on the other hand, I am a little tired, having to wake up a little early to prepare Marsya’s breakfast (and Bie’s breakfast for that matter) as well as prepare her packed food. Lately she seems to like roti canai and sausages. So I cooked them for her and put them in her little food bag. Afterwards, I would take my morning shower and ask Bie to monitor Marsya’s morning shower. All her clothes are ready the minute she walked out of the bathroom. Whilst everyone eats their breakfast, I would hang the recently washed clothes (if any) and pack the clothes that I should bring to my in-laws, as Marsya is stationed there after school. When I get back, I need to sort out my laundry and iron the clothes. I have been eating dinner at my in-laws (somehow they want us to dine there) so haven’t been cooking dinner at home yet; maybe next week.

But the one thing that makes me sad is that I had to send Raqib to stay with my parents in Seremban. That was a very difficult thing for me to do. I have never been away from him. And he too has never been away from me. On the morning that Ibu came to fetch Raqib, he woke up early in the morning, crying, looking for me while repeatedly saying, “Adik sayang Umi”.. (Raqib loves Umi), then he hugged me tightly. That brought me to my tears. I returned the hug and told him that I love him very much. It was like as if he knew that I was going to send him away to stay with my parents. He asked me to talk to him (meaning, call him if he stays with his Uwan) and told me not to forget him. How could I not cry to that. He was only 3 years old, but he seemed to understand the predicament that I was in. The night before, as I was packing his clothes, I was crying. For every little thing that I put in the bag, I had tears falling like rain. It was a terrible feeling. I hated it.

Gosh.. it was a mentally-torturing start of a week for me. Starting with the fact that I have to send my son away and also learning that my cousin passed away due to a motor accident; were just too much for me. My eyes were puffy from too much crying. And the fact that I was tired as I had to do the chores that Aini usually does for me, was all just too much. I was emotionally distressed and on the verge of a breakdown. It was terrible. But I slowly picked myself up, and come the next day (after reciting the Yassin that night), I felt a lot better. So much better. Still tired, but I have come to terms with the fact that Raqib doesn’t stay with me, and that I have to do chores at home. And today is Friday. I’m looking forward to go back to Seremban after work today. I get to see my son, and sleep with him tonight. I get to hug him and stroke his hair, telling him that everything was alright. I am so looking forward to that.

As for Aini, she calls me every other day (well, she miscalled me, so I had to return the call); mostly to talk to Raqib. She missed him terribly and just wanted to hear his voice. So yeah, there is attachment there. And though she has gone back to Lombok, we’re still connected. Even Ibu gave her a call a few nights ago. She was happy that Ibu called. Hhmm.. I wonder whether she’ll come back to us. Still too early to say.

On an unrelated development, I have finally confronted a dear friend about him leaving the company (yeah, I updated a post on this a few weeks ago). I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t act like as if nothing happened. I was mad at first because he didn’t tell me. But the anger just turned into a huge disappointment. I was upset because he didn’t make the effort to tell me. But I got that out of my system now and I have never felt so relieved. I called him this morning and immediately blurted out my disappointment. He was shocked alright. Didn’t expect to be ‘attacked’ quite so early in the morning. But I was determined to get it out of my system. And I am thankful that I did it. So as a peace offering, he gave me a nasi lemak for lunch. Home-made. His mother cooked it. And it was truly my rezeki, because it was delicious. I enjoyed it very much. So yeah, now we’re back on speaking terms. Alhamdulillah…

On another unrelated matter, a close friend of mine, Lin is leaving for Doha tonight. I will be sending her off at KLIA. So, immediately after work, I will go to KLIA, then off to Seremban I go to see my son. I am going to miss Lin. Yes we don’t talk everyday. But she will always be close to my heart. I’ve been friends with her for more than 2 decades!! Imagine that. We were in 1 Intan at Sek. Men. Convent Seremban back then. She was this nerdy, curly-haired girl. Her nose was always into story books (romance with lots of action if you know what I mean). So yeah, I am definitely going to miss her. And the fact that she will only come back in April next year is so disheartening. I would have had my baby till then. Well, I hope she’ll do well in Doha.

Can’t wait to go back to Seremban!!

My Birthday 2010

Everyone looks forward to their birthdays every year. Well, I don’t look forward at knowing I’ll be a year older (ask all my friends… they know that I am forever in my late 20’s), but I look forward to the birthday wishes, the thoughts that others remember… it makes it all warm and fuzzy inside, you know. And I like that. Getting a gift is of course something better. But at this age, I don’t get gifts all the time (though I know that I’ll be getting something from my Hommies towards year end). But I don’t mind. It’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I looked forward to 19th October 2010 this year because I know that it was a special day for me. But I was woken up by crying and sobbing from outside the room. It was 6am. I thought the crying came from someone on the upper floor, but when I listened closely, it was from the living room. I quickly got out of bed and opened the bedroom room. There was Aini, my maid, sobbing and wailing relentlessly on the sofa. Bie was sitting on the other sofa looking forlorn. Aini grabbed my hand and hugged me. I was shocked. What happened? What was going on? Then in between sobs, she said, “Suami saya dah takder Puan” (my husband is no longer around). I kept quiet and looked at Bie. He explained further saying that she just learned that her husband had passed away. I was stunned. She was due to go back to Lombok in the middle of next month. And I know that she was planning to stay in Bali for a night with her husband, a second honeymoon so to speak. I hugged her tightly and held her hands. They were ice cold. She was in a state of shock. I asked Bie to call my parents, then my in-laws and asked them to come to my house. I didn’t know what to do in such a situation and I was sure that with my parents around, they would know how to console her. I held her for another half an hour, stroking her hair, asking her to have patience and recite istighfar, but she kept on sobbing. At this point in time, she still did not know how her husband passed away. And that was how my birthday began on 19th October.

My parents-in-law arrived. Bak bought prepaid worth RM20 so that she could call home and find out more on what happened. I was getting ready to go to the hospital. I had my monthly check-up to go to. As I was about to leave, I heard more wailing this time coming from her room. I knew that Aini was not fit to take care of my son, what with being in the state of sadness and all, so I quickly woke Raqib up, bathed him and brought him with me to the hospital. I asked Mak to stay with her in her room. It was the least I could do. I couldn’t bear to leave her alone.

My doctor noted that I had increased 3kg in one month. I now weigh 58kg and 5 months pregnant. Oh well, I know that I am on the road to recovery, so I guess I have to start watch what I eat. She also shared with me good news; I may be having a girl. I was quite surprised. All the signs show that I maybe having a boy even though I wanted a girl. I didn’t mind. As long as the baby is healthy, I am fine. But having a girl would be most wonderful. After all, we don’t have many girls in the family. So both my parents and in-laws would welcome the news most joyously. But of course, this is still too early. There could be a possibility that the gender was hidden, and that was why the doctor didn’t see any ‘siput’ there. But it’s ok. It was good news for me nonetheless considering how my birthday began that day.

When I reached home around noon, I found Aini downstairs at the apartment lobby talking to her friend. Her eyes were all puffy. I asked her how her husband passed away and was told that it was a motorbike accident; head on collision with another motorbike. Four of them passed away with her brother-in-law still critical at the hospital. I was shocked but quickly recomposed myself as I didn’t want to upset her. Aini also told me that she wanted to go back to Lombok as soon as possible. I told her that I still needed to renew her permit because it expires next month. After all, we have done her medical check-up. She told me that she didn’t care. All she knows was that she had to go home. She will find a way to come back here later after her permit expires. And since there was no way to talk her out of it, we decided that it’d be best that she went back the next day. After all, she was not in a position to do anything. She was crying all the time. And I pity her.

We bought her a return ticket earlier. She was due to come back on 15 March next year (I know.. I’m a good boss. Most people would never allow such long holiday, but she has been telling me this since we renewed her permit last year, and she obviously had her reasons, and I don’t really fancy hiring a new maid, so I ultimately agreed). But since this happened, I don’t know whether she’s coming back here at all. What with the new baby coming.. [sigh].. oh well, we’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

So that afternoon, I went to the bank to withdraw all her money, and went to Air Asia to change the departure date. Later that night when my parents arrived, we held a ‘tahlil’ session for the ‘arwah’ after Isya’ prayers. She was very grateful and also moved that my family cared for her so much. The thing is we don’t really treat her like a maid. What we eat is what she would eat. Wherever we go, we would always bring her. And Ibu was very supportive of her. Yeah, she’s closer to my mother compared to me. I guess me being her boss and everything; she still feels that there ought to be some imaginary boundaries restricting herself from getting too close to me.

The next day we sent her to the airport. But Allah’s test does not stop there. She missed her 3.50pm flight. I guess we were all at fault. We delayed in getting her to be checked in. We didn’t want her to be alone. So when she finally checked in at 3.30pm, she missed her flight. The funny thing was that, there were no announcements at all reminding the passangers of the flights that were going to take-off. I did hear announcements made for Macau and Singapore, but none for Bali.

The farewell session itself was a bit dramatic. My children, especially Marsya was very sad to see her off. Marsya was crying non-stop and repeatedly asked Aini when she was going to come back. Raqib surprisingly was not as sad as Marsya. I guess him being younger and not understanding much contributed to his lack of emotions. Aini was also crying as she hugged me and Ibu. The farewell session probably took a while too, and I guess that also contributed to her missing her flight.

We were already on our way back when the Air Asia officer called and told us that Aini missed her flight. We were all shocked. How could that be? It was just impossible. But it happened alright. So we made a u-turn and returned to the airport. We were told to buy another ticket as the next flight to Bali was at 5.55pm. But when Bie went to the sales counter, he was told that they couldn’t issue a new ticket anymore and that the next flight was at 10.55am the next day. It was their policy and if we still wanted them to issue a new ticket, then it was up to the discretion of the officer in charge. So yeah, we were treated like ping-pong balls; asked to go here, there, everywhere. Finally Bie got mad and went to see the officer again at the sales counter and demanded that the ticket be issued there and then. He also said it was an emergency and that Aini had to get on the 5.55pm flight. The officer finally relented and asked his colleague to issue a new ticket. And blessed to Allah, rather than pay the fare of a new ticket which cost us RM370, we only paid the penalty and the difference of the fare price between the one bought earlier and the new fare. We ended up paying only RM164. Blessed to Allah.

We waited for another half an hour to make sure that there were no more glitches and finally left the airport at 5.30pm. My children were complaining of hunger. I was hungry myself. I only ate half a doughnut and two slices of bread that morning. So we stopped at the MEX rest area and ate there. By that time, it was already 6.30pm.

When we got home, Marsya was crying again demanding that I called Aini as she wanted to speak to her. She also went to Aini’s room and stayed there on her mattress while crying. Raqib on the other hand was giving me a hard time too. He was throwing tantrums; not wanting anyone else to entertain him except me. I was dead tired that night. And him acting like that didn’t help. So yeah, there were a few pinches and slaps courtesy of his Umi that night. Even Ibu was worried about me. She asked me to be patient and tried to help out wherever possible. I don’t know. I was just TOO tired that night.

The next day, I was still on emergency leave. Not having Aini around proved to be quite difficult. I didn’t make Marsya’s milo the way that she liked and she didn’t like the egg sandwich that I made for her to bring to school (she said yucks.. can you imagine that.. sabar jerlah), and the list went on. Well, I’ve had little practice. Give me a break. I cooked lunch, fed my kids, and made sure that the laundry was sorted out. And that was me at home on emergency leave. This morning, I made tuna sandwich for breakfast (as well as for Marsya to bring to school). But I didn’t know where her school bag was, and didn’t know where her clean socks were. So yeah, she went to school today with no socks on. So imagine, the littlest things in life, which I have never bothered to even think about before have now began to materialize.

I don’t know how I am going to go about my daily routine with Aini out of the picture. But I guess I’ll just have to deal with it in my own ways. I believe Allah will help. After all, He was the one that planned all this for me. I’m sure He has His reasons for doing this. Temporarily, I will place Raqib with my parents in Seremban. Marsya will stay in KL with me as she has school to attend to. Come school break, I will send both my children to USJ to stay with my Maksu. I will not pick them up everyday; perhaps once in 2 to 3 days, I’ll pick them up. But I don’t mind. At least USJ is closer than Seremban. Maksu asked me to send Raqib to stay with her for a week or so, but I don’t think it’s fair for Maksu. She’s in between moving from PJ to USJ. I don’t want to impose. I know for sure though that by the middle of November, she will permanently be in USJ.

So yeah, that was the turn of event that took place on my birthday. It didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted it to. Oh well, I suppose there’s a ‘hikmah’ for this. All these were planned by Allah and like I said, I suppose there are reasons as to why He planned it as such. We just have to ‘redha’… Insya Allah.

Wish me luck!

I Hear He’s Leaving

I just learned something today. A dear friend of mine is leaving. He has just tendered his resignation about a week ago or so. The thing is, I didn’t hear it from the horse’s mouth himself. I heard it from another friend. A part of me is kind of upset because I learnt the news from a third party, but another part of me felt that him not telling me was justifiable considering I haven’t been a proper friend to him for this past 3 months or so. I was sick, remember. Terrible morning sickness, not bothered to talk to anyone (people also didn’t bother to talk to me, most of them knew how I was when I am experiencing morning sickness). So, him not telling me didn’t come as a surprise.

But after I learnt that he was leaving for a better place that probably pays him more than 50% of what he’s getting now, I don’t know how to actually react. I don’t really know how to identify this feeling I have inside. I suppose, I have known all along that he was leaving. He has made it very clear to me that he is not happy with what he’s getting. And the fact that the Company compensates him poorly for all the works he does makes him even more unhappy and demotivated. He has had an offer in the past that pays him 30% more than what he’s getting now, but he rejected the offer because the Company promised to counter-offer. But unfortunately, the counter-offer wasn’t so much of a counter if you know what I mean. So he regretted his action very much. And kept on talking about the mistake of rejecting the offer. But now, he’s got a better offer on the table. And knowing the predicament he was in months ago, it’s only natural for him to accept this new offer.

Wow.. I can’t believe that he’s finally leaving. We’ve always talked about how it would be like if he were to have left. Things like who would take over his job, and will I be able to work closely with this new person. I have to admit that I am pretty close to him. It is so easy to work with him. I have always been able to get what I want contrary to what other people say of him. And now he’s leaving. I hope the person that takes over his place is as friendly as he is. Someone who is not too petty and of course easy to work with.

That is in terms of work. Personal wise, we are close too. I suppose I know a lot of stuff about him (too much sometimes, I have to admit and I don’t think I’d like to share them here), but he likes to tell me. And I am always the type that lends ears. I listen. And I give opinions and feedbacks. I suppose that’s what he wanted. In fact, that’s what anyone would want. And he has always been nice to me. An example of that was to give me a lift back home. His parents’ place is near mine. In fact, he has to pass through mine first before he can get to his parents’ place. Due to the convenience, he didn’t mind giving me a lift. So we would go home together (hence all the personal conversations because we talked all the way in the car) and him dropping off to my place before heading to his. Because of our closeness, Bie calls him my BFF short for Best Friends Forever. Friends at the office also know that we’re close. So sometimes, they would ask me to request things from him (work-wise) because they find it difficult to get anything from him. And I suppose he does give me the priority, because I always get what I ask for.

After 9 years of working closely together, he is finally leaving. It’s difficult to comprehend, but it has to happen sometime. Change is good. And I have to get that into my head. I don’t resent him for leaving. When he told me about the earlier offer (the one he rejected), I was going like, “Man..!! You’re leaving? No.. you can’t. How can you leave us? We have been a good team. Now who can I work with? I don’t want BL. She’s not friendly and is so ‘lorat’… I don’t think I can work with someone like her…”, and the remarks went on and on and on. But upon learning this recent offer, the one that he had accepted, I just couldn’t seem to have the same outburst. Somehow, I had known that he was leaving. In fact, at one point last time, I even coaxed him into looking for other jobs (he was just too upset about the offer he rejected). So yeah, I couldn’t react with the same outburst anymore. The feeling was somehow drained out of me when he received the earlier offer.

At this point in time, he doesn’t know that I know. And I don’t think I intend to tell him. I still want him to tell me the news himself. So until that time, I will just act casually, acting like as if I do not know anything. I am a good actress. So yeah, I think I can just act cool about it. We have 3 more months before he leaves. So I guess I’ll just have to make best of the 3 months up until the day he is finally gone.

Wow.. it’s so weird to say that. After all that we went through. The drive to Johor and back for launchings or workshops, the visits to Melawati Bazaar Ramadhan (last year, where he taught me to buy mercun for my children.. as if I would, so I reprimanded him for buying mercun for his kids), the differing opinions and arguments we have on world issues (social, political or religious), the Gang of Six lunches (that reminds me, I have yet to finish the scrapbook.. hhmm.. maybe I’ll finish it and give it to him as a present), the first time encounter I had with Japanese food (he loves Japanese food, and he taught me to eat Japanese food), the Subway coupon that I always nicked from him (because he doesn’t take lunch, whereas I do, so I need the coupons to go and have lunch at Subway with my Hommies), the ikan bakar lunch at belakang istana (that was also the first time for me and because I have never eaten the famous ikan bakar, he treated me for lunch there), the treat at the kari kepala ikan at Jln Kg Attap, my love for chocolate (I always nicked his chocolate if I go to his place and there happens to be chocolate there), the forever REM or Coldplay songs that he plays on his CD player (I hated that.. it was always the same songs over and over again), oohh.. and who can forget the Bali elements of his workplace (his colleague once told him to reduce the volume because she couldn’t sleep; she kept hearing the music in her head), that Bali element will be one of the things that I will miss about him – he’s just SO into it that I just don’t understand why (he said it was relaxing), the VCDs that someone mysteriously left for him on the windshield of his car (I took the VCDs and gave them to others who actually appreciate it) and of course people’s comments on his forever youthful look, despite being a father to two girls, the priceless look on his face when he first saw me with a hijab on (he was SHOCKED, coz the previous week, I got a lift from him to go back home and I was wearing a knee-length black skirt with high-heeled white wedges... hehehe).. Gosh.. I can go on and on.. I guess it really shows that I will certainly miss this guy [sigh].. oh well. Allah has made plans for him. And at the moment, it happens to be a good plan. So yeah, I am happy for him. I hope that he will be happy at his new place and not forget us here at KL Sentral.

NAS, I wish you all the best luck in the world. May you always be in the guidance of Allah SWT, Insya Allah.

Handled Presentation By Myself

Today, for the first time ever, I handled a presentation to a fund manager from the UK by MYSELF, no bosses around when for actual fact, they had wanted to see the Senior Management. But the bosses had a board meeting today, so it just had to be me. And I guess I just wanted to gloat… hehehe. I mean, it’s not everyday that I handled such presentation by myself, but luckily I was able to answer the questions they posed. Somehow, I seemed to know the answers. And I have to admit that I am so proud of myself. Don’t tell me that you have never been proud of yourself over something you did and you just felt like smiling all the time non-stop? I’m sure each one of us have. We are after all normal human beings. But yeah, I think I handled myself quite well. It was a relief though when it was over, but I was really glad that they didn’t ask me things which I did not know. And as usual, one of the favourite questions posed by the fund manager is related to the Singaporean’s interest on our land, and why we didn’t have any strong local company to help back us up in our developments. And surprisingly, I managed to answer it without a glitch, sounding very confident, that I myself was surprised. The Mat Salleh sure had a lot of questions.

So yeah, maybe this will be a precedent. I’m not surprised if my boss will want me to handle more of such presentations in the future. Hhmm.. I may have unleashed something here. And I really don’t know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Oh well, I am taking it positively at the moment. So yeah, why not.. I am giving myself a chance to gloat.

Anyway, I also wanted to share something. I think I did something terrible a few days ago. I am an avid listener of a certain radio station. The deejays wanted us to call them to see whether we agree to their statement that people who have the nicest voices do not have appearances that match their nice voices. I happen to agree with them so I called them up. Yeah, I was on the national radio. I told them that I have a friend, who has one of the nicest voices I have ever heard. She has a deep, attractive and sensual voice. But whenever she meets her online ‘boyfriends’, those meet ups would be the first and the last. And the ‘boyfriends’ do not call her up anymore. To be honest, she’s not really that pretty. She is big in size (tall and big), dark-skinned, and not that pretty. And you know how Malaysian guys are only into looks (so shallow of them), only wanting the light-skinned, slim girls… so typical. And if they’re Malay, fair-skinned girls with ‘tudung’, pathetic, right. Well, this friend of mine, let’s just say, if she were to have been married, her husband would be the luckiest man in the world. She is very caring, a good cook, and very good with house-chores, a perfect wife trait.

Anyway, the deejays wanted me to give them her mobile number because they wanted to call her. Of course I refused. I didn’t want to betray a friend. But they were pushing it, and asked me to hold on line because they were sweet talking me into giving the number. And in the end, I did the unthinkable; I gave the mobile number to the deejays. And the moment I hung up, I felt terrible. I felt like I have sinned or something. And Allah answered my prayers. The deejays tried to call her, but she didn’t pick up the phone. They tried again; still she didn’t pick up her phone. I was relieved. I was thankful. I was so glad that they couldn’t get hold of her. So yeah, I guess I’m confiding it here because I just felt bad. Look at that, I was talking about how I handled the presentation, but instead got to writing about this. Better stop here. Till next time.

Life At The Moment

I am glad to announce that Eid this year for me was quite alright. I expected that I couldn’t eat anything, what with the morning sickness still kicking in. But I was wrong. I could eat, selectively maybe, but now I could eat compared to my early pregnancy days. In fact, I enjoyed Ibu’s cooking. I think that’s the best part of it. I enjoyed her Rendang Daging, Negri-style and her masak lemak cili api. She was cooking masak lemak cili api for me for the entire week that I was in Seremban.

So yeah, I’m stronger these days. And look good too I suppose since now I can put powder on my face and lipstick on my lips. I still can’t eat sambal type of food or any curry-related dishes and chicken for that matter, but I’m ok with what I can eat at the moment. It’s ok. I hope I will fully recover soon. My weight has also increased instead of falling. Last week’s check-up saw me putting on 2kg, so that makes my total weight now 55kg. So now I have to watch for my weight. I wouldn’t want to increase it too much. Otherwise, I would have trouble reducing it later. Well, not that I reduced much anyway, based on previous experiences, but who knows.

My boss has also been given me a lot of work. He says that the minute he hears my voice which I suppose sounds a lot healthier than before, he knows that I am better these days. So yeah, he has been giving me my work back. Previously, he was doing them on my behalf. It was kind of him I suppose. He hasn’t been complaining that I was absent most of the times from work. When I apologized to him, he just said that he completely understand, so I guess I have to give him credit for that, right.

But I really enjoyed my 1 week break in Seremban. I didn’t cook. Ibu did most of the cooking. Luckily my maid was around to help out. I can’t stand the smell you see. So I just took care of the kids. Bathe them, played with them and fed them. But I had a lot of talking sessions with Ibu. I love that. Ibu and I, we’re like best friends. Sometimes I can be quite strong-headed, and talking to Ibu during those times kind a make me feel ‘berdosa’ (sinful) to her because I contradict her in many ways. Sometimes forgetting that she is my Mother and I shouldn’t talk to her like that. But at that time, I was just kind of irritated with things that came out from her mouth. One of the incidences was when we talked about how she and Ayah are just too generous these days, with her kids (basically my brothers), and the fact that I wasn’t treated that way when I was still schooling. I guess I always complained the same thing whenever we talked about that. But I didn’t know that she felt bad and hurt whenever I touched on the matter.

I have always been independent during my study years. I never ask money from my parents because during my A-Level, I had my JPA scholarship, which wasn’t much mind you, but I managed. And during my university days, I lived solely on my monthly allowances. I NEVER called home to ask for money because converting RM to pound sterling can be a heavy burden for my parents. At that time, the exchange rate was at maximum about RM8 to a quid. So, I had always been ‘mothering’ my friends back during uni, reprimanding them whenever they buy silly things because our allowances weren’t so big. I didn’t like the idea of spending using overdraft which was quite common back then. The point was, I never ask them for money. Whenever they give, I will take, but I never ask.

When I got back, I looked for my own job. I bought a car using my own money (took from my Tabung Haji account, borrowed from Ibu, and arwah Uwan also gave me a bit – all to pay the deposit) and looked for my own job without getting my parents involved because I didn’t want to trouble them. And this went on until I got married. Things were different for my brothers. My second brother owned a car that Ibu bought for him, because she was worried of the travelling distance (from uni to home) and felt that a car would be safer. Though it was a second hand car, it was a car nonetheless. And when he bought his first car, Ayah contributed RM5k as deposit. Pocket money was also given since his monthly allowances were not enough. My third brother is I suppose is the luckiest one. His studies were fully funded by Ayah. And he seemed to get whatever he wants. An electric guitar, pocket money, etc, etc, all to encourage him to further studies and not get side-tracked on the wrong side of the street kind of thing. He actually got the PTPTN loan, but I suppose it wasn’t enough. He also got a car which Ibu gave to him. It used to be Ibu’s car but because he needed transportation, the car was given to him and Ayah bought Ibu a new car. My youngest brother, still studying is also now driving a car. Ibu allows him to drive her car (the one that Ayah bought for her) because it seems that his place of study is far from the hostel. I mean, I used to study at section 17, but I lived in section 18. I took the bus provided by the college or paid 60 sen for a mini bus ride to section 18.

I guess I was resentful of the fact that during my studies, I wasn’t given such lavishness compared to all my brothers, but I guess I have to bear in mind that Ayah didn’t make as much when I was still studying. But he is such a giver. Even though now that I am married, he still buys me a lot of things i.e. new kain to make baju kurung (I’ve still got about 4 of them not sewn yet), jade bangle (when he went to China a few months ago) and a lot of goodies for my children. But whenever Ibu and I touched on this matter, I was always dramatic and kept on stressing that I was independent, didn’t even ask money from my parents, little did I realize that Ibu was hurt, because it seemed to reflect that I wasn’t loved in the family and that my brothers seemed to have it all. So yeah, we had a stupid argument in relation to that matter where she touched on something that I am most sensitive about; Bie not having a fixed-income job and that I am the sole provider of the family. The thing that she said hurt me, so I ended up saying things back to her which later I regretted because I was saying it out of anger and just to spite her. She didn’t reply but walked out and left me in the kitchen alone.

I felt terrible. I didn’t mean to say nasty things to her. So yeah, I felt bad. All these while, I didn’t know that whenever we talked about it, she would be hurt. Now that I know, I have promised to myself that I will NEVER touch on that matter anymore. She hated it that I compared the way she treated her children like that. To her, she loves all her children the same. I was feeling terribly guilty after that, and the only thing I could do was to resolve never to mention the matter to her anymore. Yups.. I am promising to do that.

Apart from that terrible argument, the rest of my break in Seremban was nice. Relaxing. So yeah, that is what life is for me at the moment. Will update with Eid pictures soon.

Slow Morning

It is a slow morning here today. I am not particularly alert because my sleep was disrupted last night. I woke up at 2am because I needed to go to the toilet. Then Raqib woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. He insisted on wanting to watch the Powerpuff Girls at 2.30 in the morning. Bie wasn’t around. He went out after the kids fell asleep to hang out with his friends.. (yeah, I’m a considerate wife). So, I didn’t get any sleep at all until after 4.30am. I couldn’t shut my eyes. Though I was in bed, I couldn’t sleep thinking that Raqib was all alone outside watching TV. Naturally, I called Bie and asked him to come back soon so that he could look after his son. So yeah, he came back shortly after that, but my eyes still couldn’t be shut. So now this morning, I am not feeling particularly good. Maybe I’ll take a short nap at the surau later.

My leave for Eid break starts this Thursday (9th September). I will only come back to the office on the 20th of September. Quite a long break, but that’s quite natural for me, even though my hometown is only in Seremban. My in-laws live in KL. My boss (the big one i.e. head of division) always makes the same remarks whenever he sees my leave application, “It’s not like she’s travelling up north. Her hometown is only Seremban, why would she take long leave?”. But somehow, my leave is always approved. Well, my leave is my right. And it’s not like as if I take long leaves on a frequent basis. I only take them during the Eid break. I suppose that’s why he has never rejected my leave application.

When I come back on the 20th, I have to do a presentation to a fund manager based in Hong Kong somewhere. I thought it was only going to be just the one person, but no… his Singaporean counterparts are also interested to come and listen to the briefing. I hate that. I’ll get nervous and may blabber during my presentation. But my boss insists that I undertake the presentation on my own accord. Though he’ll be around, but he wants me to do it. Shucks..! I haven’t done any presentation in a long, long time. I wasn’t well. I don’t know what the latest updates are. So yeah, I may have to bring back some materials home with me during the Eid break. The presentation is at 9.30 in the morning. I don’t have much of a choice.

I can’t wait to go back home today. I just want to curl up in bed and watch Epilog Syurga Cinta. Yeah, I’m a sucker for Malay dramas at the moment. It started when I was unwell about 2 months ago and was in bed in my room most of the time. And since the TV in my room only shows three channels i.e. RTM1, RTM2 and TV3, I have been watching programs from only these three channels. And of late, I like watching Epilog Syurga Cinta. I like Zizan Nai. I think he’s cute. And he certainly is cute in this drama. But yeah, it’s your typical Malay drama. The guy is sort of blind to Islam, whereas the girl is very Islam-oriented. And yeah, the guy falls for the girl, but the mother is opposing to it because she doesn’t reflects the sort of person that a wealthy family who are called Tan Sri and Puan Sri would want. So you kind of already know what the plotline is, as well as the story line, but who cares, it’s something to look forward to at 6.30 in the evening.

It’s already 11am by my clock here. Maybe I’m ready for that nap..? Hhmm… but I need to go to the ladies first. Heck, I just went there a few minutes ago. My stomach hasn’t been too well. I don’t know why, hence why I woke up at 2 in the morning. But I am definitely taking the nap. I have to, or else I wouldn’t be too good.

It’s Been Ages

Hi all. It truly has been ages since I have updated anything here. I wonder why? Well, first and foremost, I am just not up for it. I don’t have the mood. I have not been well since the end of June 2010, and now, though I am still not that well, I have been making recovery. Slowly, but recovering nonetheless.

It all started in the third week of June. I bought the usual pregnancy test kit at the local pharmacy store. I was late for 10 days. It was nothing unusual. Since the few months before that, I have been late for more than a week, on few occasions. But this delay was a bit different because suddenly I could feel my sense of smell becoming acutely sensitive. The smell of oil being fried was a testimony to that, and I didn’t like the smell. So I thought, why not take the test.

So before taking my shower the next morning, I took the test. I waited for about 4 minutes and imagine my surprise when I saw 2 red lines. “Oh Allah.. is this true? Am I pregnant?”. I was excited. I have been trying for a few months before that. But I guess due to work pressures and all, somehow there was no luck. But with the test results at hand, I suppose I couldn’t dispute it, unless of course I went to see my gynecologist to confirm my finding, which I didn’t feeli like doing unless I was really sick.

I think I said too soon. Three days after I took the test, I started to become nauseous. I started to dislike cooking smells. And I couldn’t cook. I asked my maid to cook, but I couldn’t eat what she prepared. The smell was too overpowering. I began to lose my appetite. I couldn’t eat. I began to drink less water. I couldn’t stand the taste of plain water. I tried to take juice but the after-taste of it was just something I couldn’t take. I became weak. I wasn’t eating nor was I drinking any fluid. I tried to take some fruits. Like apples or oranges, but I couldn’t hold them in my stomach for long. Within an hour, it all came back out. Rather than run to the bathroom to vomit, I had a special bucket at my side to throw up.

I was in bed most of the time. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t entertain my kids. I told my maid to stop the kids from entering the room because I couldn’t handle them. Furthermore, they somehow have a distinctive smell about them. The smell of sweat, saliva and yesterday’s food, I couldn’t stand them. Thus began the day I stopped hugging and kissing them… [sigh].. those poor children. I felt like I was a neglecting mother (I did neglect them.. luckily my maid was around). My maid taught Marsya and Raqib that I was not well and that they shouldn’t disturb me. Marsya understood, but Raqib was finding it difficult to understand. I mean, he’s only three years old. What does he know. So my maid resorted to something which I myself disliked, but it had to be done… she locked my bedroom door so that the kids couldn’t enter. It was something that I found very difficult to accept, but I had no choice. I could still remember Raqib banging on the door, crying, calling for me, wanting to enter the room. It was quite terrible.

Because of my weakness, I had no choice but to see my gynecologist sooner than I intended. She confirmed that I was pregnant, but she also said that I was severely dehydrated and advised that I be hospitalized for drips. I told her rather than stay at the hospital, I’d rather stay just during the day and have the saline dripped into me there and then. So the next day, I came back to the hospital and had 3 bottles of saline dripped into my body. My gynecologist wanted to see me the following week for further observation. I did, and as she suspected, no improvement. And she insisted that I be hospitalized so that I could be monitored. I dreaded it. I really did. But I myself had a huge suspect that I was going to be hospitalized. So on 13th July 2010, I was hospitalized for 3 days and 2 nights. My poor children came to visit and cried each time they had to leave. It broke my heart. But I didn’t have a choice. I was weak like a sack of potatoes. I didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone. I had been on medical leave for 3 weeks (luckily I had a very understanding boss); all I know is that I had to get better. My gynecologist still wanted to see me the following week, and I did. I was still dehydrated, and was losing weight fast. She didn’t know what to do. All she knew was to put more drips into me. So the next day, I went to the hospital again and stayed during the day for the saline water to be dripped into me. 3 bottles were utilised. Upon returning from the hospital that day, I knew that I was still going to be unwell. I was right. The minute I got home, I threw up… again.

So yes, July was the worst. I was not in the position to get out of bed at all. I was forever in bed, feeling very weak, refusing to eat or drink. It was terrible. Alhamdulillah, in August (though I was still occasionally on medical leave), I began to eat. There was no appetite for luxurious food. I still don’t have any of that yet (till today, though I hope I would be recovering soon), but I have begun to eat bread. So it’s wholemeal bread for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner, with slices of cheese or hot milo. That was all that I could eat. My fruit is guava. The only fruit I could eat. As for drinks, a colleague of mine introduced me to this type of zam-zam mineral water that was supposed to give energy especially for people who are fasting (Ramadhan was approaching). He thought it would be good for me, so he dropped a few drops into my water. I liked the taste. The water didn’t taste as bad. So yeah, I have been dropping a few drops of the zam-zam mineral water in my drinks till to-date. And it has been doing me good, Alhamdulillah for that. August was such an improvement compared to July.

Ayah has also been calling me nearly everyday to determine whether I have started taking rice or not. Yes it is endearing that he calls everyday to check how I was doing, but at times it was all just too much. There were times, when I was just too sick, I refused to pick up calls from everyone, including Ayah. Poor Bie, he had to become my secretary to explain why I didn’t pick up calls.

Anyway, last weekend, which happened to be the final week of August, I went back to Seremban. Acik and Maksu were there. There was supposed to be an Iftar gathering at Acik’s house. I went back all the same for the sake of my kids. They haven’t been seeing people for the past weeks. Blame it on their Umi. Ibu was also telling me to go back, saying, “Campur sikit dengan orang. Asyik terperap duduk dalam bilik jer”, roughly translated, “mix with society will you. Don’t just stay in your room”. So yeah, I had no choice but to go to Acik’s house for the Iftar gathering. I didn’t really like to go to Acik’s house if I was having morning sickness. You see, her house has this ventilation problem. Or, was it just my nose. Anyway, I refused to enter the house until they all broke fast. But because there were a lot of mosquitoes outside (huge ones which looked quite deadly), I finally entered the house and walked straight to the dinner table, holding my breath as I tried not to look at the food.

I was uncomfortable. Everyone was eating. I tried to focus on the watermelon on the table, and took a few slices. By that time, everyone was nearly finishing. Then I caught sight of a yellow dish on the table. It was Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Tempe. I found out that Acik was the one who cooked it, and she makes really nice masak lemak cili api. Somehow, I could distinguish the smell of the gulai from all the other dishes on the table. I asked for a bowl, and a bit of rice. I wanted to try the gulai. I took a small spoonful of rice with the coconut-flavoured gulai as my sauce and put it in my mouth. I swallowed it. I didn’t feel the urge to throw up or anything. I tried a second spoon. Same effect, no gagging to throw up. And without I realize it, I have finished the rice in the bowl. The gulai was good. I liked it. And that was my first experience of eating rice, after more than 2 months not touching a single grain of rice.

I am now 14 weeks, in other words, 3 and half months into my pregnancy. By Syawal, I should be in my 15th week. I am so looking forward to my 20th week. Still a long way to go. So yes, I am counting the days and weeks because based on my experience, by my 20th week, I’ll be so much better. In fact, probably back to my healthy self, except of course with a bigger tummy. At the moment, there is a tummy, but it is very small. I can still fit into my old clothes. In fact, I am wearing clothes that I bought before I got married nearly 8 years ago. I now weigh 53kg; that’s about 6-7kg drop from my pre-pregnant days, and in just over 2 months. I have to admit that I like being slim like this, but the fact that I also look unhealthy; I don’t think I want to look like this. Even the nurse at the hospital thought that I just gave birth when for actual fact, I am pregnant.

This weekend, Ibu is coming to KL to bring me Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Bacang dengan Ikan Tenggiri. I asked her to put extra coconut milk and hope that the bacang is sour. And yeah, I am kind of looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading. I know it’s quite long compared to my normal entry, but I just wanted to share with the rest of the world of how I am at the moment. Please pray for my well-being, and also for the baby that I’m carrying to be in good health.

Happy Eid-ul Fitr everyone!

Three Of Us

I was at the World Islamic Economic Forum (WIEF) for the past three days, taking care of the company’s booth at the WIEF’s exhibition at the KLCC Convention Centre. Our booth was nice, but was covered by Sime Darby’s ‘double-storey’ booth, which happens to have a Porsche parked right in the middle. To make matters worse, there were three huge pillars covering our booth from sight. So yeah, our booth location sucked. I hope the Group Corporate Comm will highlight it to the organizer. We were one of the sponsors, but we didn’t get good locations. How terrible was that.

Anyway, I did make new friends, especially this young guy who I’d like to refer to as the Guava Juice guy because he always brought us guava juice, especially when he saw us tired from talking to delegates and potential investors. He was cute alright, with the right height, but very young too. It’s just too bad. But then, I think he was more interested in my gorgeous colleague. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from being ‘extra’ nice to him. I mean, the guy brought me a guava juice for goodness sake. You gotta give him credit for that. Anyway, that was not what I wanted to write about.

I met two of my dearest friends at KLCC for drinks. I haven’t seen them for ages. In fact, I haven’t seen the guy for ages. More than a year, actually. So, yes, I was actually looking forward to see ANA. Since he had a baby last year, I haven’t had the opportunity to see him. Since I have changed my looks, that is.

So we met at the lower lobby of the Petronas Twin Tower. ANA came first. He saw me, looked at me, and didn’t even make any comment on how I look these days. Then, Lin came. We went for drinks at the Dessert Bar (don’t ask me which level.. I lost count). I ordered an Americano, Lin a Capuccino and ANA, a Latte. We also had a cheese brownie and a tiramisu.

ANA looked good. In fact, he looked taller than me. I have always thought that I am taller than him. But I was wearing my boots yesterday, and still he was taller than me. Hhmm.. maybe because he seemed to have more meat these days compared to his younger days. But he still looked good nonetheless. No longer looking like a boy, but a man. I liked it. As for Lin, she is forever Lin, and I think will always look like that for many more years to come.

It was good to sit down again with these people. We haven’t been able to do that for ages. Each of us with our commitments and all, especially after we got married. So seeing them again, just the three of us, laughing and talking brought back many sweet memories, and to one particular night when ANA (at that time was working in Malacca) was in KL for work and we had dinner at Cosy Corner in Ampang Park. Lin and I were already working in KL, and he came to treat us dinner, I think it was a belated birthday treat or something (he is always treating us dinner. I don’t know why I never bother to offer treating dinner). After dinner, we went back to his hotel to chit-chat. It was supposed to be a fun thing, but because Lin saw his ex before we entered into the hotel (his ex was with a gorgeous girl, on their way to Citibank to pay the credit card), she wasn’t in particularly a good mood after dinner. She was depressed. And we were actually there for her.

She needed a smoke, but because the floor was a non-smoking floor, we went into the bathroom, and hung out with her in the bathroom just so that she could smoke. She was sitting on top of the bathroom sink, I was sitting in the dry bath tub, both legs stretched out, whereas ANA was leaning against the door, making very sure that the smoke did not get out of the bathroom. And we just talked and laughed in there. That is one event that I’ll never forget. It was somehow very comfortable… and nice.

After that, Lin crawled into ANA’s bed, and we let her sleep off her depression. ANA and I sat near the window and talked, while looking at the KL city beneath us. KL never sleeps, even when it is close to midnight. So having the three of us like that again last night, brought that sweet memory in my head. But of course that was nearly ten years ago. Time sure flies, but I am very glad that we’re still friends.

To ANA and Lin, you guys will always remain as my close friends even though time will have probably separated us. But it’s nice to know that whatever it is, I can still call you guys my close friends. The things that we have done and gone through will always stay with me as sweet memories. Even though at the time that it happened, you guys may have been really mad at me, but looking back, it is what that made us good friends in the first place. Thank you.

Road Trip To Penang

Last Saturday, I went on a road trip to Penang with my closest girlfriends. It was a day trip which involved less than 24 hours. And I have to admit, it was a lot of fun.

It all started when Zuec was having a bit of a depression. She was working and staying in Penang. But she had wanted to move back to the Klang Valley since the day she got her baby. And her baby is now 8 months old. But yet, she still couldn’t get a job in the Klang Valley. She was upset. She was sad. She missed her parents, sister and us, her friends. So I threw in an idea to Pah and Yamm, “Why don’t we go and visit Zuec in Penang? We could go there for a weekend. Take leave on the Friday before and stay in a hotel in Penang”. But none of us could agree on a suitable date, what being busy with other personal commitments or so. And suddenly Pah came out with this brilliant idea, “This may sound crazy but I want to propose it anyway. I’ve done this many times and I think we should do it too. Why don’t we make it a day trip? We go early in the morning, and leave in the early evening. It’d be fun and we don’t have to wait for a few more weeks to do it. We could just do it this weekend”. The idea was so fun and tempting that we decided to go on with it.

I told Bie about it (I still needed to get my hubby’s consent. After all, I was going to have to leave them in KL. This road trip involves just us girls), and Alhamdulillah, Bie gave his consent (phhieeww..). I was all set and excited. So were Pah and Yamm. So last Friday, they came over and slept at my house. And at 4.15am on Saturday morning, we woke up, ever so excited, to get ready for the travel to Penang. At 5.15am, we left the house.

Though it was still very early in the morning, you’d be surprised at the number of cars on the road. And to make matters worse, just before we reached Batu Caves, we had to slow down a bit because an accident just happened, involving two cars. One was at the side of the road whereas the other one was overturned in the middle of the road. It was scary and I really hoped that there were no casualties. But that sight did give me a shudder. So we sort of reminded ourselves not to drive too fast or be reckless.

The road trip started well. The radio was faulty, but we didn’t mind. We were talking and talking, laughing and laughing, slapping at each other, giggling like school girls… it was fun. We talked about a lot of things. Things that are happening in our lives, talked about other dear friends who couldn’t make it to this trip, got ourselves worked up over some other friends, and we just talked about everything and anything and it was wonderful. I love these girls. Pah and Yamm.. we go a long way. We were doing our A-Levels in Shah Alam together, we went to the UK together (same course, same university), and we were neighbours during the first year there. And I was always over at their house. So yeah, we’re like sisters (I love saying that because I have none). And though we have aged a bit (just a bit, not a lot), we still felt like those silly girls 10 years ago. And Zuec shares this special bond. So that’s why when we heard the call for help, we dropped everything and tried to be there for Zuec.

We reached the Penang bridge at 9.30am. Pah couldn’t stop smiling. We were singing an Ella song which we listened from my phone, and laughing because we were excited to be on the bridge. As we made our way towards Jelutong, I caught the same smile on Pah’s face. God, this girl – was she like smiling all the way from the bridge? It was funny. We called Zuec’s husband to tell him that we were already there. And in the lift, whilst going to the 18th floor, Pah was still smiling! Imagine that.

I knocked on the window. No answer. I knocked again. Zuec’s husband opened the door. We were disappointed. We wanted Zuec to open the door. But as we tried to say something to Lan, Zuec rushed over to the door and slammed it in our faces. What the..?? Is this what we get for trying to give a surprise to her? Within less than a minute, Lan opened the door while holding baby Huda in his arms and said, “Zuec is getting dressed”, and opened the door for us to come in. A short while after that, Zuec walked out of her room, obviously surprised that we were actually there, sitting in her living room. She told us to sit down for a while, as she wanted to take a shower. And 10 minutes after that, she was sitting down with us still trying to understand how we got to be in her living room. It was hilarious. She thought we were going to stay overnight and when she learnt that we were not and that we were going to return to KL later that evening, she wasn’t very happy. Even Lan tried to coax us into staying the night. But we couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my kids and Bie. So we told her that we would keep her company and not be upset. We told her to just have fun and make the best of it.

We only left her house around noon. Lan took us to Line Clear Nasi Kandar. I was really worried about the guy that was going to get our rice for us. He was just using his hands. Luckily mine used a spoon (although he just grabbed a piece of chicken using his hands). Let’s just say that I love Penang. I love the food. After the rice, I had a cendol. Not as equally nice as the one in Kuala Pilah. But, it was alright.

Next Zuec took us to the market because I wanted to buy jeruk. I love the jeruk there. Especially these green seedless cherries. I bought quite a few jeruk. Even though I know that by the end of the day, I will be the only one eating them. But who cares. We were in Penang. It isn’t right to not buy any jeruk at the market there.

Then we went to Hard Rock Penang. Bie wanted a shot glass to add to his collections of Hard Rock and Planet Hollywood shot glasses. I love the hotel. And I vowed to return so that I can stay there. The pool was huge and I know that my children would love it.

Then we went for ABC at Batu Feringgi and returned to town to buy pasembor. We didn’t eat there. We brought it home with us because it was time to return to Kuala Lumpur. It was already past 5pm and we didn’t want to return too late. But Zuec had this plan to go to Green Bay for a drive and a laksa. We didn’t get any laksa, but had barbeque chicken wings instead. Gosh.. the foods I ate. I think I have to start fasting next week.

We went back to Zuec’s place, freshen up a bit so that it wouldn’t be so tiring to travel back and said our goodbyes. Zuec was clearly upset. We were upset. The day had ended. It was time to go back. So we hugged Zuec, kissed her baby Huda and waved goodbyes. It was 7pm.

The trip back wasn’t as cheerful as the trip going to Penang. And I suppose, with all the excitement reduced to something calmer, we noticed that the Penang bridge was actually longer. Well, we didn’t realize it when we entered Penang that morning. We talked about a lot of things still. Yeah, we talked a lot. Reminiscing about the past was something that we liked to do as well. Out came the names of past boyfriends and admirers. Those guys that gave you flowers during college, or those that sent you home after a dinner in town, the long distance relationship that didn’t work out, the love that some of us may or not may find, the things that we regretted but we know we can never go back to, and the list goes on and on. So yeah, the trip back was full of serious matters – involving love, hope and loss.

We reached Jalan Duta at 11pm. And get this, I have to salute Yamm because she drove all the way to Penang and back. About 700km.. her alone. We told her that we could drive if she was tired, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She insisted on driving and Alhamdulillah, we got back safely. I bet she was tired. Kudos, Yamm..!!

I got home at 11.30pm or so. The kids were asleep. Bie was still up. I missed him. I really did. He was nice enough to let me go away with my friends for the day and I am truly grateful for that. I changed my clothes into my night dress and went and sit on the sofa with him. He was watching TV. I sat next to him and hugged him, my lips at the back of his shirt. It was such a warm and familiar feeling. Though the trip to Penang was a good one, it was also good to be home.

I noticed that I received messages. I opened them. They were from Yamm and Pah. Both relaying words of love, hugs and kisses. I smiled. As I was about to reply to the messages, I fell asleep.