Marsya Didn’t Get It

We received a letter from the Ministry yesterday. Marsya didn’t get to enter into Standard One this year. We were advised by the Ministry to register her Standard One for 2012. I was very disappointed. After waiting for more than two months, that was the feedback that we got. Earlier the Ministry promised to issue a letter in the 3rd week of December so at least we can make the necessary preparations. You know, if she gets to go to school then buy her stuff, but if she doesn’t then we can register her back at her old pre-school. Looks like an entire month has been wasted. While other kids have been going to school since January, I can only put my daughter in school in February, after the Chinese New Year break.

I have to admit that I am quite frustrated that she didn’t get it. I wonder what the issue is. Is she not bright enough? Or are her 4M skills (writing, calculating, rationale thinking, and I forgot the other one) not good enough for the Ministry to accept her to be in Standard One below the age of seven? All sorts of things are playing in my mind. I’d like to think that I have a bright daughter (heck, all parents would think that, so I am no exception), but I guess she was just not lucky. Or, not bright enough [sigh]… that’s the one that made me frustrated. She has been reading and had no problems doing simple mathematics i.e. addition and subtraction, but I guess that was just not good enough. It’s terrible isn’t it? It’s like that I can’t accept she’s not good enough to enter into Standard One this year. When for actual fact, Allah knows best. He knows why Marsya is not accepted, and that is beyond anything that I know.

I have to be grateful that she’s not entering into Standard One now. What if she couldn’t keep up with the rest of the class, or have problems making friends? All these are things that are beyond me. I know I’m saying this just to make myself feel better, but I have to accept the fact that she wasn’t accepted. Of course there’s the issue of telling EVERYONE in the whole world that she didn’t get it. In my head, I don’t want people to think that my daughter isn’t clever, or bright. Only I have the ability to do that coz I am her mother (a bit selfish aren’t I?), or it’s just me. Those thoughts are just playing in my head… [sigh]. Gosh, I am a TERRIBLE mother. How could I think less of Marsya? This is beginning to get sad now. Marsya is the perfect six year-old daughter that I can ever have. It is unfair for me to have such high expectations for her considering that she’s only six and to my parents’ eyes and those close to her, she is already a bright, clever girl. She is perfect in everyway. She has been one of the best things that had happened to me and I look forward to grow old with her. To have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship, for her to see me as her best friend… that sort of thing. Clever or not clever, that’s beside the point. To me, she is the brightest, cleverest and most loving daughter that a mother can ever have. And no one can take that away from me.

So yeah… I guess I just needed to get this feeling out of the way. It’s not the end of the world that she didn’t get it. Whatever it is, she’ll still be in Standard One next year. Hopefully next year, she’ll be prepared to enter into Standard One just like any of her friends that were born of the same year as her. And I’ll get the chance to enjoy shopping for her school clothes and stuff without having a big stomach as I’m having now, which is currently constantly in the way. I have to admit that it’s rather difficult to walk long distances these days. My feet hurt and I’d have back pains. After all, I am already in my 9th month. I have a month to go before my due date.

Marsya, darling Marsya… Umi is not angry with you for not being able to enter into Standard One. This is after all Allah’s works. Who is Umi to get all upset and riled up? Things happen for a reason and Umi should be thankful for whatever that reason is. Umi will try not to have too high hopes for you throughout your life. After all, we’re only talking about the entering of Standard One; there are other major exams or life-changing decisions in the future that you will have to go through, and Umi will try… WILL try not to be too competitive or emotionally-strung when it comes later… Insya Allah. Love you, darling.

Trip With The Family

I have been tired for the past week, especially last Monday. On Tuesday I had an appointment with my doctor who confirmed that I had premature contraction (coz I was having period pain-like ache) which I think was the impact of my exhaustion from the recent trip I had with the family, and I was given MC for 2 days. I didn’t even go to the seminar at Bursa on Company and Corporate Disclosure (I couldn’t get up; I was having back pains and stomach cramps). My baby now weighs between 2.7kg to 2.9kg and my doctor feared that the baby would weigh up till 4kg come my due date on the 26th of February, causing other issues like possible hemorrhoid and c-sections, both I deeply want to avoid. So she’s proposing that I do a planned delivery which means I would have to be induced. I pray to Allah that it wouldn’t have to come to that.

And to make matters worse, my email is not functioning. Somehow, it is not connected to the server or something. This always happens to me. I don’t know what the issue is really. Perhaps I need a new set of PC or something. Others don’t seem to have the same problems. They can always connect to the server. But I would have problems. At this age and time, we rely a lot on the Internet. Emails are crucial. Things are always being communicated via emails. So if the server is down and you can’t connect to the email, it is really a huge matter. I’ll have to talk to the IT guy again. It is pissing me off.

Anyway, why am I tired? I just got back from Lumut last weekend. My parents, well Ayah lah, decided to take a family trip to Damai Laut last weekend. Ayin and family, myself and Ibu/Ayah. Ayah booked the Swiss Twin Villa. It’s not the apartment, but it’s a single storey semi-D. Very nice house. Didn’t look too nice from the outside, but once inside, you just forget what the house actually looks like from the outside. It had 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. My children, upon seeing the bathroom, immediately wanted to take a bath. The tub was quite big, so the children had fun playing in the water, splashing about and just literally had fun. I had fun watching them. I think they spent nearly an hour in the tub. That actually gave me time to rest. Just imagine, we left KL at about 1pm and reached Damai Laut at only 5.45pm. The journey was tiring. I don’t remember travelling that long when I went to Damai Laut a few years ago. Of course we stopped at Teluk Intan to have a late lunch (the food was good – pajeri terung, sambal sotong, kerang rebus, udang masak cili api dengan kacang buncis, you name it.. typical Malay dishes and they were good. It was really cheap as well; only RM38 plus drinks).

That night, we didn’t go out for dinner. Everyone was just so tired. Luckily I brought a lot of food. I had lots of biscuits, 2 loaves of bread, tuna spread, sausage rolls, a few packets of drinks, bihun goreng, and so forth; suffice to say, we weren’t hungry at all that night. The next day, we went to the resort for breakfast. Since it was a buffet, I ate quite a lot. Well, if it wasn’t a buffet, I think I’d still eat a lot. Hehehe.. but surprisingly, the nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis were good, in comparison to hotel standard. The rice tasted rich with santan and the sambal was spicy, not sweet or gingery-taste like most hotels; so two thumbs up for that. Of course there were other food, you know, the usual breakfast food. After that Bie and I took the kids to the beach to play with their kites (Ayah bought it for them from the hotel’s shop; see what I mean about twisting their grandfather with their little fingers); it was a long way down mind you to reach the beach, and I had difficulty climbing up the stairs to go back to the hotel. Let’s just say I had to make a few stops while going back up. And after that, I took the kids to the pool. Raqib was in the children’s pool, whilst Marsya wanted to try the adult’s pool. I didn’t swim with her, but I went round with her (Marsya in the pool while I was at the edge of the pool, every ready to jump in if she faced any difficulty – luckily she was alright. She had the float with her). We spent about an hour and a half at the pool, with my parents taking a rest under the cool shades of the big pool umbrella. I have to admit, it was fun doing it through the eyes of my children. Their laughter, their shrieks and their excitement were just the essential thing that made me enjoy the day at the pool, despite the hot weather and the fact that I was sweating everywhere.

After that, we drove out of the hotel and had lunch at a restaurant called Cili Api. It was alright. Still couldn’t challenge the food we had at Teluk Intan. We reached the twin villa at about 4pm and stayed indoors to rest. I tried to take a nap, but when you have active kids who slept in the car even for half an hour and still feel very refreshed, I couldn’t really go to sleep. But yeah, with the cool temperature in the room, it was the perfect ambience to go to sleep. I managed to rest for about 2 hours though. So it was good enough for me.

That night, we went to Teluk Batik to have dinner. Ayah wanted to order some ala-carte at the resort, but there was also an ‘army’ of Sunway Construction people there. They were having their family day. And we didn’t fancy going to a dining area with lots of people, so we decided to venture out and get a taste of the Lumut seafood. That’s where we decided to have dinner at Teluk Batik. The food was alright (I know, I have been talking about food again and again… I promise, for this entry, this will be the last mention of food). We ordered Kerapu sweet n sour, oyster egg, beansprout ikan masin, kalian oyster sauce, black pepper beef with ginger, chicken soup, seafood tom yam and udang lipan with dried chilli. There were a LOT of food. The fish was huge. I tried to eat the head coz Ibu said, “Sayang kepala ikan tu, Long” so yeah, I tried to eat the fish head (but failing miserably at it; I know a friend of mine would kill me for the eyes – he likes them and I don’t know why) and also finish a few other dishes. But by the end of it, I just couldn’t eat anymore. I was just too full. My stomach felt like it was about to burst with the baby popping out anytime soon. So I stopped (yes, I’m capable of stopping just like that). The damage that night was just RM187, for 6 adults (the kids didn’t eat much). I thought it was alright considering the amount of food we had on the table.

By the time we reached our villa, we were just so very sleepy. Because the road heading towards Damai Laut is a bit scary (7km of absolute darkness and silence, through swampy mangroves and palm oil fields), Bie drove quite fast. And Marsya just had to tell a story about a ‘pocong’ which she saw on TV at her Uwan Lif’s house (Uwan Lif is my Maksu; because she stays on the 4th floor apartment and we had to take a lift to go to her place. Uwan Buai is Ibu, because our house in Seremban has a swing). What she saw was basically a comedy, so she wasn’t afraid when she relayed the story to us. But for us adults, we didn’t really like her story. I mean, the route was dark. Anything could just spring out from the side of the road, giving us a surprise of our lives. So Ibu had to gently tell Marsya not to say such things because it wasn’t nice. I guess she was also trying not to scare Marsya. But yeah, the road was just too dark so can be a little scary.

The next day, after breakfast at the resort, we packed up and left. There went our 3 days 2 nights stay at Damai Laut. We made a stop at the Lumut waterfront first because Mak wanted us to buy anchovies. I also bought a few goodies to bring back home with us. And on the way to Bidor, we stopped by the roadside to buy mangoes and limau bali (the limau bali was quite expensive there. The limau bali in Tambun was cheaper but since we were nowhere near Tambun, we just had to make do with RM18 per limau bali there).

We reached KL at 9pm. I was dead tired when we reached home. I couldn’t stand up anymore. My back hurt, my feet were swollen and I was just too exhausted to speak. By 10pm, I was already in bed, lying down. I couldn’t sleep though. Probably too exhausted from the travelling. At about 11pm, my children retired to bed and slept next to me. Nothing is sweeter than having your kids sleeping next to you like that. Raqib had his arm around my neck, whereas Marsya slept while holding my hands. It was a wonderful feeling. I sniffed their hair inhaling the wonderful smell of shampoo and kissed their eyes. When they’re asleep, they are the most adorable children in the world. But when they’re awake.. OMG, let’s just say it can be quite testy; up to the point that Marsya likened me to an evil stepmother. Can you imagine that? Hehehe.. children and their imagination.

Will post some pictures soon.

Too Many Child Abuse Cases

I was leaving the office quite late 2 days ago, and naturally, I would take the paper from the reception area so that I could read it on the way back home while riding the LRT. The front cover of the Utusan shocked me. At the left top corner of the paper was a picture of a young child who seemed to be sleeping but was bundled in white cloth. Then I saw the word ‘dera’ i.e. abuse. I turned to the appropriate page and was shocked to learn that the child, apparently a young girl aged three had died and what a beautiful name as well, Nur Dania Qistina, suspected to have been abused by the stepmother. She had about 73 injuries, and died due to internal bleeding as a result of being hit by a blunt object repetitively. I couldn’t finish reading the story. I broke down and cried. Who in the right frame of mind would abuse a young child of three years old? Hitting the child repetitively like as if she was an animal or some sort of doll or toy. A person with a right frame of mind wouldn’t even hit an animal like that. A person with good conscience and faith wouldn’t do that.

I curse upon the elders who took care of her. The father especially whom I feel wasn’t doing a good enough job as a father. He could have at least noticed that there was something odd about his daughter. But then again, he was probably an abuser himself. The soon-to-be-ex-wife did mention that he had hit his children in the past before. I mean, children are naughty and are always up to something. When we are tired and needed rest, children will always get on our nerves... trust me; I have two young children who are constantly getting on my nerves, especially when I’m tired. I hit them. Yes, I do because I believe that hitting your children allows them to understand and differentiate the right and wrong. If you hit them because you want them to learn. But if you hit them because you just want them to be your punching bag to let off steam and anger, then forget it. You do not deserve to be a parent. You do not deserve to have children. I hit my children on the hands, or pinch their legs (ever so softly, trust me.. but my daughter cries a bucket of tears, like I have hit her with a dagger or something) but never excessively. Trust me, my children are luckier than me. I grew up being pinched, slapped and hit, but thank goodness, I grew up to be ok. But that’s beside the point. This is hitting aggressively, repetitively, until the child dies. How could someone do that?

What made me mad was that the new wife told the husband that the child drowned in a pail of water. I don’t know whether the husband believed her, but the wife is obviously stupid. What with today’s modern state-of-the-art technology, it is easy to see what went wrong, or the cause of certain problems, or in this case, the cause of death, just by doing tests and post-mortems.

Gone are the days where children can rely on their parents for their own safety. If they’re not abused, they’ll be raped. I don’t know what’s going on with the world today. People are just so sick. And the fact that they are Moslems, revolt me.

What’s terrible about it is this is not the first case. Sometime last year, Malaysia was shocked with the news of the death of three year-old Syafiah Humaira who was also a victim of abuse (serious wounds in the abdomen), but this time by her mother’s boyfriend. Mind you, we’re talking about Moslems here. I don’t like being judgmental towards other people because upbringing and surrounding circumstances can affect a person’s life, and who am I to judge people and say that I’m better than them. These are all means done by Allah to see whether we can endure His tests or not. But this is one case which I just cannot tolerate. The mother lives with her boyfriend. She in fact has a husband, whom she has not divorced yet, but was serving sentence over a murder case, I think, at a local prison here. How could she not be aware that her boyfriend had been abusing her daughter? Was she so much in love with him that she refused to see any wrong-doings of the boyfriend, that she puts her boyfriend above her daughter? Her own flesh and blood? She even claimed that her boyfriend had never hit her daughter. The fact that Syafiah’s younger brother is the biological son of the mother’s boyfriend speaks for itself. It’s just something that I cannot tolerate. It’s just awful. When the news came out about Syafiah, I never wanted to read it. I prefer to not take note of what had happened. It was just wrong. I felt that there was just something very wrong with the picture. I’m glad that the boyfriend was sentenced to death. It was a good verdict. Only Allah can help him now, and his fate lies in His hands.

There was also another case, a toddler by the name of K. Haresvarran, 18 months, was believed to have died following abuse which left him with broken ribs, a ruptured liver and bruises all over the body at a children's playground at the Vista Damansara Apartments, Jalan Kenanga, Kampung Sungai Ara, Petaling Jaya. Who could do that to a barely walking 1 year and a half child? Don’t they have compassion? It’s just awful…

I really do worry about the condition of the world that we’re living in. It is getting worse by the day. All I can do is pray to Allah that my children and family are safe from it all.

Isn’t Exactly My Day Today

I started the day cursing and swearing, all because of a presentation slides which we are hoping to use for one of the conferences held by the bank for this coming Monday. Many things pissed me off. I have ran out of all Malay and English jargons when indulging in the cursing session this morning. You know how you have put so much effort in a task, getting other people to assist you, putting in all sorts of information which you think the boss might want, which is not an easy process considering information gathering is one very tedious task; easy, but very tedious. But by the end of the day, the boss throws it back to your face and say, “What a load of crap is this?”… I mean, I know I’m not supposed to be complaining. After all, we have to learn to manage our bosses. But the presentation slides were prepared on the instruction by the MD that we needed to do a complete overhaul on the current presentation because it does not portray information that the analysts and market researchers need. So that was my line of thought. Noted that we are given less than an hour to present, yes.. I know that, but if you don’t like some of the slides, then take them out. As easy as that.

I don’t really know who to blame. I know my bigger boss is not aware of this instruction for complete overhaul. Whereas my small boss has not been looking into this as much because he simply didn’t have the time. So he relied on me. But I messed up. I did something which was not in line with what the bigger boss wants. He said, “It’s too much info. I don’t want this. Do something about it”, to the smaller boss. And now we need to do another overhaul so to speak in time for tomorrow as the MD and the bigger boss will not be in the office tomorrow. To make matters worse, the bigger boss has very sharp eyes, “The map is wrong. This is not where it’s supposed to be located”, or “Why is this map distorted? Why aren’t these tables aligned?” What my colleagues do not understand is that this bigger boss is very meticulous in this sort of things. I am fussy and meticulous too. But my younger colleagues are not so much. So when the bigger boss complains, the ones that get an earful are the smaller boss and me. I’m tired of having to be very meticulous all the time when others are not like that. A recent example being, I was reviewing a report done by this one executive, and oh my God.. I had to review the report for FIVE times before I decided to release it to the bigger boss for his review, knowing the bigger boss’ style of doing things. But this young executive did not understand. He just thought that I was being fussy for no reason. I was commenting on the presentation of his information. And that did not include the flow of information as well as the explanation involved, which basically I had to redo! I mean, what’s the point of me telling him to do it if by the end of the day, I had to do it myself? I was grasping for breaths of air when reviewing his report. I couldn’t stand at him not being meticulous, detailed and vigilant. The fact that he did not take into account my comment (the same comment I had throughout my review of his report for the FIVE times) but insisted that he did, angers me. If you’re wrong, then you’re wrong. I have proof that you didn’t take my comments into account, then live with it! Just accept it and embrace it. But no, he had to deny it and claimed that he was right. God… the nerve.

I guess it’s the hormones, currently flying everywhere. But I have to admit that this week is just not my week. Starting from Tuesday where I got stood up for a meeting. I am a little mad at that. The fact that made me mad was that, there was no offer of an explanation on the reason for not attending. Not to mention that my calls were not taken. But I try to be professional about it and try not to think so much on that. Humans make mistake… [sigh], I suppose.

Then there were just so many personal things that cropped up too. I’m not really bothered to update them here. Suffice to say, I am just so mad at everyone at the moment. And worried about Marsya not receiving the letter from the Kementerian. Did she get the offer? Or is she rejected from entering Standard One. I need a back-up plan if she’s rejected. Should I send her back to her old kindgarten, or go to another pre-school… I don’t know. Then there’s the issue of my brother-in-law getting married. Why the hell did he just put my mobile number and Bie’s on the invitation card? Why isn’t there a house number there? Why aren’t my older brother-in-law’s number there? I mean, I’m already on my 8th month of pregnancy. I don’t think I’d like to be taking calls from complete strangers who are interested in knowing more about the wedding, or its venue or anything related to the wedding. I mean, come on… don’t just rely on my husband. He could have put his number there, but he didn’t and I don’t understand why. That really pissed me off as well. I know I’ve been nice and if I’m not happy with certain turn of events, I don’t simply ‘tembak’ like my other sister, but I have patience too. Please don’t test my patience. Whatever it is, I am only doing this for Bie.

See what I tell you about my hormones flying around? And getting mad at everyone? Well, yeah.. that’s just me at the moment. I can’t help it. Frankly speaking, I have actually managed to reduce my cursing habits, and it’s been quite a while now, about 2 years or so. But these days, Allah is really testing MY patience, and I find myself resorting to the old habit. Not very good at all and I have to stop this. No cursing. No swearing. I promise.

A Colourful 2010

First and foremost, today is Marsya Hazirah’s birthday. She is six today, at exactly 10.00am this morning. We couldn’t celebrate her birthday in a big way today; everyone is busy. Maksu is preparing for her kids’ going to school (first day of school today), my parents are in Seremban, I am working today… so there’s just no way to celebrate it like we did in the past years. Thought of going to TGI tonight and celebrate it there, just us nucleus family. But Bie has another plan. He’s planning to buy some food and bring it home to his parents, and have a little celebration there. I suppose it’s ok as well. She does wants a PowerPuff Girl cake though, which I will have to get for her, together with a bigger celebration which I hope to host for her somewhere in the middle of this month, one of the weekends. We’ll see how. After all, January is the month of birthday celebrations in my family. Ayah has already gotten her a gift though. A beautiful dress (chiffon, satin, all fluffy which she likes very much because she feels that she looks like a princess) that she’s supposed to wear as a flower girl during my brother-in-law’s wedding next month. I didn’t particularly like it. It was too fluffy. But she adores it. When she tried it on last Saturday, she was prancing around, twirling and dancing because it made her look good. Like a princess. I suppose everyone would want to feel like a princess at one point in their lives. I was once like that too. I have also bought her a gift. And yeah, its princess-related as well. I know… it’s a story book, with happily ever after stories of Disney princesses. Happy birthday darling daughter; I hope you’ll get the letter from the Kementerian soon (on the decision whether she gets to go to Standard One or not this year).

Anyway, 2010 has been a colourful year for me. So many things have happened, be it in terms of work or personal basis. It started with the Rights Issue exercise, involving lots of late nights, working late, hardly seeing my children (that Raqib started to develop a fever and was on nebulizer because there was one time, he only saw me after three days or so, and we actually lived in the same house – he was asleep by the time I got home, and was still asleep when I left for work). Then the EGM in relation to the Rights Issue, then the RRPT Circular, slides presentation and FAQs for shareholders for the AGM. There were also others that needed to be looked at; relating to Investor Relations, corporate deals, and other ad-hoc stuff. It was never-ending.

The family holiday in Genting sometime in May was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it very much. Somehow, I love Genting and I wouldn’t mind going there again. We went with my parents, together with my brothers and his wife (the one yang dah kawin lah). We booked four rooms. We were out of the room for most of the time, enjoying the theme park. Sometimes, when you have small kids, it’s nice to experience these rides through their eyes. So yeah we didn’t get on any of the adult ride, but it was fun all the same.

Then there was the toothache. My wisdom tooth was giving me a lot of problem. The gum was swollen and I had trouble eating. So I went to the dentist and was informed that the hole was just too big and the tooth needed to be extracted. And she also mentioned that for all the toothaches that I saw them in the past, it was all related to this one tooth. Fine.. I got it. So yeah, I had it extracted. During the extraction, luckily there was no pain, because they sedated the gum area quite heavily. But the dentist had trouble pulling the tooth out. Apparently, the roots were too strong, something about curled up instead of the normal straight growth. So the pain was more towards me having my mouth opened too wide, too long. I felt like my mouth was tearing up. Of course the after-effect of the tooth no longer there was quite painful. I think it took me a week before I could finally eat anything solid. My gum (the area where the tooth used to be) was also infected. I think it was because of the food trapping. I hated it. I hope I do not have to extract any other wisdom tooth out. Any pain relating to teeth and the mouth area scare me.

Of course, at about the same time or two weeks after that, I suddenly developed a strong sense of smell towards everything and anything, especially food. My PMS was delayed for 10 days. I didn’t bother checking because it has happened in the past, especially during the days that I was stressed with work. But this time around, it was slightly different because my sense of smell heightened. So, I bought one of those pregnancy kits and after waiting for about 4 minutes or so, noticed two red lines on the stick. I was ecstatic. I have been trying since the beginning of the year, but there was no luck. I guess with work and all, it was good that I only got pregnant after the major part of the works was over and done with. Because, about two days after that, my morning sickness kicked in. And it was a terrible one. I even decided against having more children after this one (I even told my doctor that, but I was saying it because I couldn’t stand the morning sickness period… it was terrible… now I am hoping to at least have the fourth and final one… Insya Allah). I was hospitalized, with bottles of water dripped into me. I lost 8kg (it’s not a bad thing.. it’s a good thing I suppose so that when I do start to eat, the weight increament wouldn’t be so bad). So yeah, I didn’t do much work for the next couple of months. I was always on MC or on emergency leaves. Luckily my boss understood. But now, I am in my eight month of pregnancy. The appetite has come back. And I have gained weight. Two weeks ago I weighed 66.6kg, and I have a feeling that now it’s a lot more than that. Well, tomorrow is my check-up. We’ll see.

Then there’s the time when Aini had to go back to Lombok, earlier than anticipated because her husband passed away due to a motor accident. It was terrible. She was crying a lot and wasn’t very focused on her job. So instead of going back to Lombok for her break in November, she went back in October. So yeah, I had to struggle taking care of two kids whilst at the same time dealing with my thank goodness receding morning sickness. It was tough at first. There was no one to take care of the kids with Marsya still in school. So I had to send Raqib to stay with his grandparents in Seremban. It was terrible times for me. I was sad all the time, crying because I couldn’t bear to be away from him. As for Raqib, he developed his talking ability only after Aini left for Lombok, so whenever I called Seremban, he would be telling that he loved me and wanted to come home to me. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I only saw him on weekends. But when Marsya started her school break, I immediately sent her to stay with her grandparents in Seremban. I felt a little relieved because with Marsya around, Raqib wouldn’t be so lonely. He had a friend. And my parents adored them to pieces. Yes there were scoldings and pinchings, but Ayah was just too much. Let’s just say that Marsya managed to twist him in her little finger. New clothes, new bicycles, new books, new stationeries, and afternoon breaks at Pizza Hut, McDonald or Kopitiam. They had it all.

Then there was Marsya’s little exam to see whether she is qualified to enter into Standard One before the age of seven. So we had to bring her to a school all the way in Shah Alam (that was the exam centre) so that she could be tested. Basically, they tested her on her abilities to interact with other people, reading, writing, and simple numerical skills plus listening to instruction skills. I don’t know whether she did well or not. I hope she gets to go to Standard One this year though. We’re still waiting for a letter from the Kementerian. They promised to issue it in the third week of December last year, but unfortunately; the letter is still not out yet. So, I’m praying that she gets it soon. Otherwise, it’s a shame really. She is after all six already and deserved going to a primary school (I’m biased here… I am after all her mother).

Bie has still yet to achieve that big break. So financially (especially towards the end of the year coz he didn’t get any fixed income) we were a bit tight. Luckily Aini wasn’t around, so I didn’t have to pay her salary. And Marsya was on holiday. So I didn’t have to pay for her kindergarten fees. But Bie is optimistic about 2011. He feels that the time has come for him to at least get something, maybe not in terms of a big break (though if we do get it, then Alhamdulillah…) but something that is recurring as 2011 is seen as a year which requires a lot of outflow. First there’s the maternity charges which need to be paid in February, Raqib’s registration at kindergarten and monthly fees which may be more expensive compared to Marsya’s because we intend to send him for both sessions; morning and afternoon as there is no one to take care ofhim during the day, and of course other expenses. But since Bie is optimistic, I have to be optimistic and supportive for him as well. I am tired of people asking me about Bie’s condition, and when he’s going to get a proper job with fixed income. I know Ibu is very worried and keeps on stressing the healthy life of having a fixed-income job. Well, I have confidence in Bie. This year will be the fifth year that Bie is doing it on his own. I have to trust him. I believe that Allah loves us and will bestow His rewards when He feels that we are ready for it. And I hope that 2011 is the year. I don’t want to be the ungrateful wife who is not supportive of their hubbies. At the moment, I am at ease. Yes I do worry about our financial situation… don’t get me wrong, I do. Especially if by the end of the month, we don’t have many funds in our accounts. But I always look at other people; whose lives are even more burdened than us. At least we can still eat and buy things for our kids, but those people, those who have lower incomes than us, they are even worse. So yeah, by the end of the day, I am still grateful for what I have. I have a great family, loving parents, wonderful kids and I am happy with Bie. Not a day goes by without reciting my gratefulness to Allah for blessing me with such wonderful life.

So yeah, basically that is 2010 for me in a nutshell. A bit too long isn’t it? Oh well, I just feel the need to put it down.

Have a great 2011 everyone.

Getting Heavier By The Day

I went for my check up yesterday. I am basically reaching 31 weeks, that’s like another a week and a half for my pregnancy to be 8 months. The first thing I learnt upon my visit with the doctor yesterday was that I had gained 3 kilos. And only within 3 weeks! I mean, what is that?! I have grown fat. In fact, I am getting fatter by the day. I admit that my appetite is now back to normal, and not that I eat a lot of sweets and chocolates, but I cannot resist a mug of black coffee (preferably Nesacafe O) everyday after lunch. Another thing which I cannot resist is ice-cream Nestle Crunchie. I just love Crunchie. Vanilla ice-cream on a stick with peanut chocolate coating and chocolate stick in the middle; love it!! No wonder I have gained 3 kilos, right. I am now officially 66.6 kg. How about that for being fat. I know I shouldn’t complain. Even when I lost a lot of weight, I complained, and now that I am well and gaining weight, I also complain. Humans are never happy with what they have. It shouldn’t be the way. I am still working on that. But.. that’s just it. Oh well..

Anway, people around me have been telling me that from the shape of my bulging tummy, it seems that I might be getting a boy. I know. I have many non-medical experts around me. All of them wanted to tell me their ‘medical’ and expert views on what the gender of a baby is just by looking at the tummy. Well, for the third time when I saw my doctor, she confirmed again that she saw a ‘burger’ i.e. the baby’s a girl. I bet she’s probably tired of having to listen to me pester on the gender whenever she does the scanning. I can’t help it. I wanted to be sure. So sure enough yesterday, she confirmed it again for me that I am going to be having a girl. I’m happy, alright. But then I suppose, I just have to wait for the baby to come out to confirm whether it is a girl or a boy. Either way, I am fine. As long as the baby is healthy, perfect in terms of physical and mental health and not too big, so that I wouldn’t have problem pushing it out from my you-know-where during labour, then I am happy already. A big baby proves to be quite difficult to push out. I know. My boy weighed 3.8 kg when he was born 3 years ago. And I had complications after that, and I seriously do not want to go through all that again. It was a very painful experience.

At the moment, the baby weighs 1.7 kg. It seems to be in perfect health. I saw its face yesterday. But because there were so many umbilical cords in front of its face, I didn’t really know what to make out what the face actually looks like. Bie could see it clearly though. Maybe because I was in a lying position which resulted in me not really seeing the face. Well, whatever it is, Bie said it has button nose just like its siblings. I thought that was reassuring. I have a button nose. Bie’s is bigger and rounder. So, if suddenly it has a sharper bridged nose, I think I’d worry.

So yeah, the check up went alright yesterday. But because I was sick the day before, I asked for my doctor to prescribe me with some cough syrup and sore throat medicine. You see, I have been having a terrible sore throat since last Friday, that’s about 4, 5 days ago. But I didn’t want to visit my normal GP because being pregnant and all, I prefer to see my doctor. But on the Monday, I was in pain, on top of the sore throat and coughing. My tummy seems to be weighing down on me. I guess it was because I was tired. I went for a picnic in PD the day before. I slept late on the Saturday, preparing the foods and the things which needed to be brought for the picnic. I cooked Sambal Ikan Bilis, sardine for the sandwich, and prepared the ingredients for Bihun Goreng. On Sunday, I woke up early to fry the bihun, eggs and chicken drummets (non-spicy as well as the spicy ones). My sister-in-law prepared the sandwiches whilst Ibu cooked the Nasi Lemak. We were supposed to leave at 7.30am, but after getting things prepared and all, we only left at 9.00am. Upon reaching PD, after enjoying the spread of food, I took my two kids for a dip in the sea. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I might get tired or anything, because I wanted my kids to enjoy the sea. But later in the evening, I was experiencing sharp pains at the bottom of my tummy. The fact that I had trouble engaging in ‘business no. 2’, didn’t help (toilet issues lah…). Ibu was worried. She said the baby seems to have engaged and that my tummy was really low. She was afraid that I was going into labour. I reassured her and told her no coz based on my experience; I always deliver near my due dates. She wasn’t convinced. But the sharp pains were becoming unbearable. So that’s why I decided not to go to work on Monday and rested at home instead. Luckily my check up was the next day (the Tuesday).

As it turns out, my doctor confirmed that the baby’s already engaged. Its head is already in position as where it should be if I’m to go into labour and the pains that I felt at the bottom of my tummy could be because of that. So yeah, that’s why my tummy seems to be on the low side. The baby is no longer at the top. It is now already at the bottom. I must admit, I think it’s quite fast. After all, I have another 2 months to go before my due date. Oh well, remains to be seen. Only Allah knows when it will actually comes out, and I hope it’ll come out as it gets nearer to my due date, Insya Allah.

So yeah, I am getting heavier by the day. My tummy is pushing me down and my weight is gaining fast. But I try not to dwell on it so much. I don’t want to pamper my body. So I still take the LRT to go home from work, or get to work, depending on the situation, and do house chores as well as cook whenever necessary. I don’t believe in pampering my body too much. Of course I try not to overwork my body; the PD experience taught me that. But if the boss asks me to go to Johor for a site visit, I don’t think I’ll say no. Work is work after all. I don’t want my boss to think that just because I’m pregnant, I can’t undertake site visits or do any other work. After all, I have to prove myself as reliable, pregnant or not. That’s life especially in a corporate world where the number of men outweighs the number of women, at least at my company. You just have to work twice as hard just to show that you are at par with your male colleagues. It’s kind of pathetic, I know, but that’s just life here. And that’s another story, another time.

Irritated By Someone

How do you get over an irritation that is caused by someone who has no idea that he is actually irritating you? I am having that problem now. It’s no one really and it is purely work-related. I really want to show my professionalism around him, and I think I have, but deep inside I know that I am giving him a hard time.

Whenever he approaches my cubicle and asked, “So is there anything that I can do for you? Any work?”, I get irritated because, it’s not like I have never given him work before. My first experience with him when it comes to work was not actually good. He’s this young executive who has just joined the department. But he will not be here for long. He’s on an attachment basis, if you can call it that, and he will rotate within the group company every six months or so. So, he is not very focused nor is he committed. Whenever I give him something to do, yes he’ll do it, but then he would tell me that he has got to see his mentor, or that he has a seminar which finishes after 5pm and will not come back to the office, or that he’ll not be around for the next 4 or 5 days because he has to attend some workshops in relation to his young executive scheme project. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to have the confidence in you whenever I give you things to do, you just can’t seem to deliver? Yes no doubt you have other important things to do, but the work I give you is equally important. End up; I have to do it myself.

What makes me mad is that my boss asked me to give him more work because he has to rate him by the end of the day, and how is he going to rate him if all he does is do the photocopying or binding? Fine.. but this young bloke’s failure to deliver will be at my expense. My reputation. I hate that. There is another executive in the department. Fairly new as well, but somehow he can do work. He’s unlike the other bloke. And I find him quite reliable. But my boss has asked me to stop using him because it seems, others in the department are also using him to their benefits. Work-wise of course. I mean, why am I the one that has to compromise.

So these days, whenever he asks me for more tasks, I can’t seem to be nice about it. My head would be talking inside saying things like, “Yeah.. err.. I seriously do not know what to give you because I find you irritating”. I can’t say that, can I? How do I get over the irritation? Because of this, I find other things he does annoying as well. It’s not very professional of me, I know that, but he has done a little mistake. And first impression really does count.

At the moment, I am asking him to send out the survey forms to all our financial stakeholders. So far so good, but he keeps on referring to me even on the littlest of things. Do it yourself, first. If you don’t know, then let me know. Don’t expect me to spoonfeed you all the time. Penatlah macam ni. I thought you wanted to be Manager-material… [sigh].. it’s just so tiring thinking about it. I don’t want us to have problems, but whenever he starts asking me whether I have jobs to give him, it ticks me. Stop asking me..!! I’ll give stuff for you to do if you stop harassing me with that question. It can be very tiring you know. And imagine, I have to put up with this for the next two months. I wonder whether others are also having similar prolems.

Dessert Bar

One of my very close friends is experiencing some problems. She works at KLCC and asked us to meet her there. She just wanted to get some things off her chest. Unfortunately, not all of the Gurls could make it. So there were only me and Pah. Pah came all the way from Putrajaya. She fetched me at the office and we made our way to KLCC. The roads were terribly jammed. So we reached KLCC just after Maghrib. We went for our prayers and later met MF at the Dessert Bar, located on the 2nd floor at KLCC. I thought they only served dessert but I was wrong. They also serve sandwiches. So I had a chicken wrap (very nice.. the wrap itself was nice. It was all cheesy and soft. The salad dressing was also nice. I wonder what sauce they used), whilst Pah had a Belgian chocolate dip (fantastic..!! The warm chocolate was just soooo nice.. and we dipped some cut fruits into the soft chocolate and later dipped the chocolate soaked fruits with nuts… SEDAP..), a chocolate cheese brownie, and MF had a chocolate cake (I think that’s what it was. Couldn’t make out the taste). So yeah, apart from the great company, the food was also good. Well, when it comes to the Gurls, the food is always good.

Anyway, while eating our foods, we talked. MF has been having quite a major problem since the last six months. And lately, it has been affecting her work performance. In fact, she is to meet her boss today just to discuss why she has been ‘going off’ lately. She couldn’t focus while at work and her reception of certain information is very slow. Some (nasty) people at the office are calling her ‘ting-tong’ i.e. on the verge of loosing it, if you know what I mean. I pity her. She is a good lady. Pretty and bright, but now with the problems that she’s facing, I am so afraid that she might loose it all. No one deserves this of course, but only Allah knows best. Who are we to say that she does not deserve the misfortune that is befalling her at the moment? Everyone at certain stage of their lives experiences challenges and misdeeds. These are all Allah’s way of testing us to see whether we remember Him or not. After all everything comes from Him.

But MF looked very affected with the whole ordeal. Not only does she suffer physically, but mentally she is also affected. The sad thing is that I don’t know what I can do to help. All I could do was give her emotional support. Be there and listened to her grief. And give an opinion or two when she wants them. It’s all so heart-wrenching. I really want her to get well. But only Allah decides when one gets well. One can only continue to try different methods and medicine in order to get well but by the end of the day, Allah decides.

So yeah, she will probably sought help all the way from Kelantan soon. I pray that she gets well. I really do. She is my friend and I really want to see her get well. I hate what this thing is doing to her. She seems distraught and edgy. Not really the MF I used to know. I wasn’t sitting across her, but Pah did. And she said, just by looking at her face, one would know that she has problems. MF, I really hope you get well soon. I hate that you’re starting to have doubts. You’ve always been a much focused lady who knows what she wants and go ahead and do it. That was you. I hope whatever it is that is troubling you at the moment will be solved for good. Remember, if you need us to accompany you, let us know.

And Pah.. dearest Pah… I love you, girl. You know what you did. I was really touched. First there was the head-dress thingy which you left for me in the room. Then in the car, on the way to work… well, you know what you did. I was truly touched. I had tears brimming in my eyes but I stopped them from falling. There were just no words to express how I felt this morning. And I am at the moment highly sensitive of EVERYTHING. Your act of kindness will be repaid my dearest friend. If not now, I hope I’ll be given the chance to repay your kindness later in life. Suffice to know that you can count on me for anything. If it is within my power and ability, I will try to assist you in any way I can. Insya Allah…

I also met someone at the KLCC yesterday. We bumped into each other at the tunnel heading towards the convention centre. At first I didn’t realize that it was him. I was on my way to KLCC, while he was on his way to his office at Exxon Mobil. As he got closer, then I realized that it was him. Man.. he looked good. He has been working out and has lost quite a weight since I last saw him in late May this year. Well, not a LOT of weight; he still has some some meat on him, but he looked good. I liked looking at him like that. I obviously have gone a little fat now that I’m healthy and can eat well. But he on the other hand just looked good. For a father of two girls and two boys, he sure doesn’t look like he’s got four kids. Kudos to you, Babe. Looking great.

Me and him, we just go a long way back. I started to know him during the days that I was waiting for my SPM results to come out. I was introduced to him at a friend’s house during the Eid open house back in 1993 I think. I seriously didn’t expect our friendship to be this lasting. But yeah, it has. And the best part of it is that, it has been growing stronger. My parents know him, his mother (Al-Fatihah, bless her soul and may she rest in peace.. she just passed away after Eid this year) also knew me. Before I got married, I used to hang out with him a lot. I mean, literally a lot. If we were in KL, it would always be at the Uptown Damansara, and then he would send me back to Wangsa Maju as I was renting there. Otherwise, Taipan Subang. If we were in Seremban, it would always be at Bashir or Seremban 2. All we did was just talk. Chit-chat and hang out. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning. Before he got married, we took a drive to PD late at night, but because it was boring, we headed back to Seremban, to Bashir. I got back at nearly 3 or 4 in the morning. Luckily Ibu was cool about it. Ayah doesn’t know though. If he does, he would flip. He didn’t really like me going out with my guy friends a lot. At that time, I was already befriending Bie. But, we were friends. It was harmless. Besides, Bie accepts our friendship. Even till this day, if I wanted to see him, Bie would give his consent. He doesn’t get uptight and jealous about it. Thank goodness for that. Yeah.. those were the days. And now I’m having my 3rd child, whereas he already has four.

I guess that’s life. Anyway, MF… please get well soon… *hugs*

Tom & Jerry

I am very tired this morning. I slept late because my son, Muhammad Raqib wanted to watch Tom & Jerry, a DVD that Ayah bought for him for straight 10 hours. I was really on the verge of a breakdown last night. The fact that I was dead tired didn’t help. Raqib is staying with me this week because I’ll be on leave this Thursday and Friday after the Aidil Adha celebration tomorrow. At least I can take care of him at home. I know he misses to stay with me. Thereafter, I may have to send him back to Seremban, but this time with his sister Marsya. So I don’t think it’s going to be that bad.

Anyway, as soon as I reached home yesterday (luckily I had dinner at my in-laws), I went to straightened the kitchen, sorted out the laundry, packed the kids’ clothes because we’re staying over at our in-laws tonight (I know their house is just about 10 minutes away, but it’s Aidil Adha, and it is their turn this year anyway, so I thought better stay there for the night) which of course involved pressing their clothes, ensuring that their normal clothes and pyjamas are packed, their milk and so forth are also packed. Then I washed more clothes (it’s the only time I could do the laundry) and tried to stay up so that I could hang them outside on the balcony. But Raqib yesterday had other plans. He wanted to watch the Tom & Jerry DVD. I sort of blamed Ayah for it. I know I shouldn’t, but I was tired. And he wouldn’t want to go to sleep. The DVD was non-stop for 10 straight hours. Bie wasn’t well. After he took his medicine, he was in between sleeps (and not really awake for anything) so the kids were with me. I couldn’t really rely on him.

At 12.15am, Marsya realized that she had homework to do. I told her that she could do it over the holidays, but no, she wanted to do it last night. So there I was going through her work. Of course Raqib also wanted to do work. At 1am, I told them to go to sleep. Marsya packed her books and was about to pack Raqib’s books too. Of course Raqib wouldn’t hear of it. He wanted to do his ‘homework’, so they fought on the bed at 1 in the morning. Raqib slapped Marsya’s head with his Ben 10 watch (which is rather bulky). I have to admit, it looked rather painful. So of course Marsya cried her head out. So I slapped Raqib’s hand, then he cried. All these happening at 1 in the morning; and Bie did not even stir.

I coaxed both kids into going to sleep. Marsya listened to me and took her position beside me. But Raqib apparently has not had enough of Tom & Jerry. He wanted to continue and watch. I was mad. It was nearly 2am. I was tired. Really tired. Nothing can explain the fatigue that I was experiencing. So I left him in the bedroom and went to sleep in the guest room. I even texted Ayah before going to sleep, blaming him for my son not wanting to go to sleep (it was terrible of me, and I have apologized to Ayah this morning. Apparently Ayah called me and asked me to bring the DVD back to Seremban, so at least Raqib wouldn’t have the chance of watching Tom & Jerry in KL, and I wouldn’t be facing the same problem every night. Terrible of me, right? I didn’t mean to send the text to him, but I was sort of mad). Right after I texted him, I fell asleep.

I woke up at 6.30am, later than usual and proceeded to my usual morning routine i.e. prepared breakfast for the kids and Bie (I did French toast with jam), packed their foods, bathed Raqib, hung out more laundry, and got ready to go to work. So by the time I was in the car, I was tired again. The sleep the night before didn’t refresh me at all. And the rushing of the usual routine this morning only made it worse.

And now I’m at the office, but I can’t even begin to think on starting work. The Boss has come up to me and asked me for the ROCSA board paper (since I’ll be on leave on Thursday and Friday), but I have not mustered up the determination and mind-set to even start on that yet.. [sigh].. All I could think of was going to sleep. A half an hour nap would be the best medicine at the moment. Tonight, I have to prepare the ingredients to make Ayam Masak Merah and Nasi Tomato. Mak wants that to be served for the Aidil Adha tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day… [sigh]..

Eyes Puffy

I seriously thought that Raqib would stay with me for the whole of this week and next. I was planning to send him to my in-laws, so that he’ll no longer be in Seremban. I can’t bear to be far away from him. I love him too much. Hearing him talk on the phone is just not enough. It is not the same as hugging him or cuddling him to sleep. So when my parents brought him home this weekend, I thought he was going to stay with me. There was no way that he would be coaxed into leaving for Seremban with my parents. Besides, whenever my parents brought up the subject of going back to Seremban with them, he would say, “Adik nak duduk rumah Adik”, meaning, he wants to stay at home, with his Umi, Abi and Kak Long.

So yesterday, I invited my parents-in-law for lunch. My parents were at home and I thought what better way to get them close. So I cooked Egg Curry (Bak’s favourite dish.. I don’t know why, but he likes it very much), Prawn Sambal, Fried Mixed Vegetables and Fried Fish with Sambal. They came, they ate, they talked with my parents and not long after that, they took their leave. Before leaving, I asked Bie to ask his parents whether we can put Raqib at their place for the weekdays. It will only be from morning till 6.30pm or so, until I get back from work. Mak was ok but was expecting my dearest Bie to be around the house in the morning. And I know that Bie couldn’t do that. Though his timing is flexible, there are times when he couldn’t be around. And considering Mak wasn’t well as well, she was recovering from a fever, I knew that she couldn’t take care of Raqib. Marsya’s fine because she can basically take care of herself. But Raqib needs looking after.

So my parents talked to Raqib yesterday and sweet-talked him into going back to Seremban with them. At first he was hesitant. He didn’t say anything, didn’t show any feedback or response. But then, he suddenly asked for his bag (where I packed his clothes) and agreed to go back to Seremban. I was devastated. I wanted him to stay with me. But I know I didn’t have a choice. So I asked him again, whether he really wanted to go back to Seremban with his Atuk and Uwan. And he said yes. Then he hugged and kissed me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face. This would mean that I have to be apart from him, again. I had plans. I had wanted to take him out to dinner. I didn’t want to be with just Marsya. I wanted both my children to be out at that dinner. Besides, I was going to be on leave this Thursday. Marsya has her test for that eligibility to Standard One before the age of seven. So I am all there for Raqib. So him going back to Seremban with my parents was not what I wanted.

I changed his clothes and bathed him. We played bubbles (it’s our favourite game whenever I bathe him) and I was creating as many bubbles that I could and stuck them to his hands and arms. He was screaming with delight in the bathroom. After the shower, I put on some clean clothes on him and hugged him close to me. He returned the hug, tightly.

I put on my hijab so that I could take him downstairs; to send him off. I was already crying. I couldn’t help it. I was just so sad. At the lobby, I held him close and kissed his face many times. He looked at me and said, “Umi jangan nangis yer”. Imagine my three year-old telling me not to cry. That made me cry even more. Even Bie who was standing nearby was emotionally affected. I opened the car door and coaxed him to go inside the car. He looked at me, with glistening eyes. But he didn’t cry. Then I waved him goodbye. He stood on the car seat and waved us goodbye until we were no longer in sight. I entered into the lift and cried. Like a little child who just lost her favourite doll. Marsya was also crying. I hugged her and we cried together.

I think I cried for nearly an hour. Bie didn’t say anything to me. He just gave me space. He was never the type that consoles. I guess he just didn’t know how. My eyes were puffy. My nose was big and red. I was a mess. I stopped for Asar and cried again just before I perform my prayers. I was just devastated. I was sad. I called Ibu just to find out how he was doing. Ibu said he didn’t cry. But he looked very sad. He just kept quiet and stared out the window. His eyes were teary but the tears didn’t fall. Later, he just went to sleep. He slept all the way to Seremban. I think Ibu was also crying. She was crying because she was sad for both me and Raqib. She is a mother. Of course she would know. And she is MY mother. Of course she would know. She told me not to be sad, and not to cry because Raqib would feel my sadness and cry too. The bond between a child and a mother, especially one that breastfeeds, is very strong. So she asked me to control my sadness, for Raqib’s sake.

So yeah, I am now counting the days for Friday where I can finally go back to Seremban to see my son. I told Bie last night that I wish tomorrow was a Friday. So he suggested that we go back to Seremban on Thursday, after Marsya’s test. So Marsya will not go to school on Friday (ponteng lah) and I would have to go to work from Seremban. The suggestion reassured me a bit. So yeah, now I am counting for Thursday to come. Three more nights in KL, then off I am to Seremban. I can’t wait.

The challenges of a working mom… [sigh]…

A Bit Frustrated Today

Apparently, we are going to have another major corporate exercise involving a strategic acquisition of another company. It was announced in major newspapers today and an announcement was released about it on Bursa yesterday. I really, really wanted to be involved. I really do. This would be different than the ones that I have been involved in which was always related to debt restructuring or raising capital. This is about acquiring another company. A plan which we didn’t foresee happening at all, and yet there it is on the table.

My boss called me up yesterday, asking me how I was feeling, and whether I was ready to accept another challenge. Of course I felt a bit weird. Why was he asking me how I was feeling? I thought it was a trick question. You never know, these bosses. Sometime they may have something up their sleeves but they just don’t want to be too direct about it. So then I was told about this exercise and whether I wanted to be in the project team. I was in a limbo. I wanted so badly to be in the team but I was afraid that I could not commit much because I am after all pregnant and will deliver end of February next year. The exercise is only due for completion in March next year. That’s way beyond my labour date. Besides, now that I’m in my 6th month, going back late every other nights and working on weekends may not be the best option. Not to mention that I no longer have a maid. I know these corporate exercises. They have deadlines and require a lot of commitment. I know. I was involved in two of them. My boss told me that he asked me first before he approached another staff because he wanted me to make my decision first. Which I thought was very nice of him.

Unfortunately, much to my regret (but there’s just nothing much I can do), I had to decline. I felt bad. I was afraid I could not commit. But deep inside, I really want to be a part of it. It’s something that I have never been involved in. Call me selfish, but I want to experience something as big as this because then I call tell people that I was involved in that deal. Yeah, a bit over the top isn’t it, but that’s just me. Besides, I love the challenge, the adrenaline rush and the invisible power that somehow exists because you have the information while others don’t. Knowledge is pretty powerful stuff. But I can’t. I know I shouldn’t be blaming it on the gender thingy (I like doing that in the past), but being a woman, and pregnant too, can somehow disrupt your career advancement. I’m not saying that it happens in all organizations, but most Malaysian companies feel that women employees, no matter how good they are, once they get married and have babies, then that’s it. Family becomes the priority, works becomes second. I have always felt that us woman have to work twice as hard compared to men just to show to our bosses that we are equally good. When for actual fact, sometimes we are better than the men. Look at the number of students at the university. Just how many of them are women? So yeah, I’ve always had to say yes when sometimes, domestically it’s just quite impossible to do. But I felt that I needed to prove to the bosses that I am equal to my male counterpart. Yeah, ALL of my bosses are men. Some of them are so chauvinistic that they wouldn’t hear a word you say when for actual fact, what they say is wrong. Bodoh sombong.

So yeah, I am a bit frustrated today. The exercise has been approved by the Board. They’re doing the press conference and analyst briefing today. And of course they’ll be working together with the merchant banker throughout this weekend as the submission to the SC is on Monday. Exciting isn’t it. It’s just so interesting. Oh well, I have to let go and let others do it. Give them some exposure as well. Meanwhile, I should be concentrating on enjoying my weekend with my children. Both my children as my parents are sending over my son tonight. He has been staying with my parents in Seremban. Poor Raqib. And tomorrow is Marsya’s end of year concert. She will be singing and dancing. And also perhaps her kindergarten convocation. If all goes well, provided that she passes the test with the Education Ministry next Thursday to be held in Shah Alam, she’ll be in Standard One next year at the age of six. So yes, I have to be there for her as well. See.. what did I tell you about women and priorities after marriage?.. [sigh].. well, that’s life for you. Whether we like it or not, we have to make our choices. Whether the choice is a good one, that’s another story.

Life Towards the end of October

Life without Aini has its pros and cons. On the one hand, I somehow treasure my privacy. I am free to wear and do whatever I want without the worry that she may emerge from her room. But on the other hand, I am a little tired, having to wake up a little early to prepare Marsya’s breakfast (and Bie’s breakfast for that matter) as well as prepare her packed food. Lately she seems to like roti canai and sausages. So I cooked them for her and put them in her little food bag. Afterwards, I would take my morning shower and ask Bie to monitor Marsya’s morning shower. All her clothes are ready the minute she walked out of the bathroom. Whilst everyone eats their breakfast, I would hang the recently washed clothes (if any) and pack the clothes that I should bring to my in-laws, as Marsya is stationed there after school. When I get back, I need to sort out my laundry and iron the clothes. I have been eating dinner at my in-laws (somehow they want us to dine there) so haven’t been cooking dinner at home yet; maybe next week.

But the one thing that makes me sad is that I had to send Raqib to stay with my parents in Seremban. That was a very difficult thing for me to do. I have never been away from him. And he too has never been away from me. On the morning that Ibu came to fetch Raqib, he woke up early in the morning, crying, looking for me while repeatedly saying, “Adik sayang Umi”.. (Raqib loves Umi), then he hugged me tightly. That brought me to my tears. I returned the hug and told him that I love him very much. It was like as if he knew that I was going to send him away to stay with my parents. He asked me to talk to him (meaning, call him if he stays with his Uwan) and told me not to forget him. How could I not cry to that. He was only 3 years old, but he seemed to understand the predicament that I was in. The night before, as I was packing his clothes, I was crying. For every little thing that I put in the bag, I had tears falling like rain. It was a terrible feeling. I hated it.

Gosh.. it was a mentally-torturing start of a week for me. Starting with the fact that I have to send my son away and also learning that my cousin passed away due to a motor accident; were just too much for me. My eyes were puffy from too much crying. And the fact that I was tired as I had to do the chores that Aini usually does for me, was all just too much. I was emotionally distressed and on the verge of a breakdown. It was terrible. But I slowly picked myself up, and come the next day (after reciting the Yassin that night), I felt a lot better. So much better. Still tired, but I have come to terms with the fact that Raqib doesn’t stay with me, and that I have to do chores at home. And today is Friday. I’m looking forward to go back to Seremban after work today. I get to see my son, and sleep with him tonight. I get to hug him and stroke his hair, telling him that everything was alright. I am so looking forward to that.

As for Aini, she calls me every other day (well, she miscalled me, so I had to return the call); mostly to talk to Raqib. She missed him terribly and just wanted to hear his voice. So yeah, there is attachment there. And though she has gone back to Lombok, we’re still connected. Even Ibu gave her a call a few nights ago. She was happy that Ibu called. Hhmm.. I wonder whether she’ll come back to us. Still too early to say.

On an unrelated development, I have finally confronted a dear friend about him leaving the company (yeah, I updated a post on this a few weeks ago). I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t act like as if nothing happened. I was mad at first because he didn’t tell me. But the anger just turned into a huge disappointment. I was upset because he didn’t make the effort to tell me. But I got that out of my system now and I have never felt so relieved. I called him this morning and immediately blurted out my disappointment. He was shocked alright. Didn’t expect to be ‘attacked’ quite so early in the morning. But I was determined to get it out of my system. And I am thankful that I did it. So as a peace offering, he gave me a nasi lemak for lunch. Home-made. His mother cooked it. And it was truly my rezeki, because it was delicious. I enjoyed it very much. So yeah, now we’re back on speaking terms. Alhamdulillah…

On another unrelated matter, a close friend of mine, Lin is leaving for Doha tonight. I will be sending her off at KLIA. So, immediately after work, I will go to KLIA, then off to Seremban I go to see my son. I am going to miss Lin. Yes we don’t talk everyday. But she will always be close to my heart. I’ve been friends with her for more than 2 decades!! Imagine that. We were in 1 Intan at Sek. Men. Convent Seremban back then. She was this nerdy, curly-haired girl. Her nose was always into story books (romance with lots of action if you know what I mean). So yeah, I am definitely going to miss her. And the fact that she will only come back in April next year is so disheartening. I would have had my baby till then. Well, I hope she’ll do well in Doha.

Can’t wait to go back to Seremban!!

My Birthday 2010

Everyone looks forward to their birthdays every year. Well, I don’t look forward at knowing I’ll be a year older (ask all my friends… they know that I am forever in my late 20’s), but I look forward to the birthday wishes, the thoughts that others remember… it makes it all warm and fuzzy inside, you know. And I like that. Getting a gift is of course something better. But at this age, I don’t get gifts all the time (though I know that I’ll be getting something from my Hommies towards year end). But I don’t mind. It’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I looked forward to 19th October 2010 this year because I know that it was a special day for me. But I was woken up by crying and sobbing from outside the room. It was 6am. I thought the crying came from someone on the upper floor, but when I listened closely, it was from the living room. I quickly got out of bed and opened the bedroom room. There was Aini, my maid, sobbing and wailing relentlessly on the sofa. Bie was sitting on the other sofa looking forlorn. Aini grabbed my hand and hugged me. I was shocked. What happened? What was going on? Then in between sobs, she said, “Suami saya dah takder Puan” (my husband is no longer around). I kept quiet and looked at Bie. He explained further saying that she just learned that her husband had passed away. I was stunned. She was due to go back to Lombok in the middle of next month. And I know that she was planning to stay in Bali for a night with her husband, a second honeymoon so to speak. I hugged her tightly and held her hands. They were ice cold. She was in a state of shock. I asked Bie to call my parents, then my in-laws and asked them to come to my house. I didn’t know what to do in such a situation and I was sure that with my parents around, they would know how to console her. I held her for another half an hour, stroking her hair, asking her to have patience and recite istighfar, but she kept on sobbing. At this point in time, she still did not know how her husband passed away. And that was how my birthday began on 19th October.

My parents-in-law arrived. Bak bought prepaid worth RM20 so that she could call home and find out more on what happened. I was getting ready to go to the hospital. I had my monthly check-up to go to. As I was about to leave, I heard more wailing this time coming from her room. I knew that Aini was not fit to take care of my son, what with being in the state of sadness and all, so I quickly woke Raqib up, bathed him and brought him with me to the hospital. I asked Mak to stay with her in her room. It was the least I could do. I couldn’t bear to leave her alone.

My doctor noted that I had increased 3kg in one month. I now weigh 58kg and 5 months pregnant. Oh well, I know that I am on the road to recovery, so I guess I have to start watch what I eat. She also shared with me good news; I may be having a girl. I was quite surprised. All the signs show that I maybe having a boy even though I wanted a girl. I didn’t mind. As long as the baby is healthy, I am fine. But having a girl would be most wonderful. After all, we don’t have many girls in the family. So both my parents and in-laws would welcome the news most joyously. But of course, this is still too early. There could be a possibility that the gender was hidden, and that was why the doctor didn’t see any ‘siput’ there. But it’s ok. It was good news for me nonetheless considering how my birthday began that day.

When I reached home around noon, I found Aini downstairs at the apartment lobby talking to her friend. Her eyes were all puffy. I asked her how her husband passed away and was told that it was a motorbike accident; head on collision with another motorbike. Four of them passed away with her brother-in-law still critical at the hospital. I was shocked but quickly recomposed myself as I didn’t want to upset her. Aini also told me that she wanted to go back to Lombok as soon as possible. I told her that I still needed to renew her permit because it expires next month. After all, we have done her medical check-up. She told me that she didn’t care. All she knows was that she had to go home. She will find a way to come back here later after her permit expires. And since there was no way to talk her out of it, we decided that it’d be best that she went back the next day. After all, she was not in a position to do anything. She was crying all the time. And I pity her.

We bought her a return ticket earlier. She was due to come back on 15 March next year (I know.. I’m a good boss. Most people would never allow such long holiday, but she has been telling me this since we renewed her permit last year, and she obviously had her reasons, and I don’t really fancy hiring a new maid, so I ultimately agreed). But since this happened, I don’t know whether she’s coming back here at all. What with the new baby coming.. [sigh].. oh well, we’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

So that afternoon, I went to the bank to withdraw all her money, and went to Air Asia to change the departure date. Later that night when my parents arrived, we held a ‘tahlil’ session for the ‘arwah’ after Isya’ prayers. She was very grateful and also moved that my family cared for her so much. The thing is we don’t really treat her like a maid. What we eat is what she would eat. Wherever we go, we would always bring her. And Ibu was very supportive of her. Yeah, she’s closer to my mother compared to me. I guess me being her boss and everything; she still feels that there ought to be some imaginary boundaries restricting herself from getting too close to me.

The next day we sent her to the airport. But Allah’s test does not stop there. She missed her 3.50pm flight. I guess we were all at fault. We delayed in getting her to be checked in. We didn’t want her to be alone. So when she finally checked in at 3.30pm, she missed her flight. The funny thing was that, there were no announcements at all reminding the passangers of the flights that were going to take-off. I did hear announcements made for Macau and Singapore, but none for Bali.

The farewell session itself was a bit dramatic. My children, especially Marsya was very sad to see her off. Marsya was crying non-stop and repeatedly asked Aini when she was going to come back. Raqib surprisingly was not as sad as Marsya. I guess him being younger and not understanding much contributed to his lack of emotions. Aini was also crying as she hugged me and Ibu. The farewell session probably took a while too, and I guess that also contributed to her missing her flight.

We were already on our way back when the Air Asia officer called and told us that Aini missed her flight. We were all shocked. How could that be? It was just impossible. But it happened alright. So we made a u-turn and returned to the airport. We were told to buy another ticket as the next flight to Bali was at 5.55pm. But when Bie went to the sales counter, he was told that they couldn’t issue a new ticket anymore and that the next flight was at 10.55am the next day. It was their policy and if we still wanted them to issue a new ticket, then it was up to the discretion of the officer in charge. So yeah, we were treated like ping-pong balls; asked to go here, there, everywhere. Finally Bie got mad and went to see the officer again at the sales counter and demanded that the ticket be issued there and then. He also said it was an emergency and that Aini had to get on the 5.55pm flight. The officer finally relented and asked his colleague to issue a new ticket. And blessed to Allah, rather than pay the fare of a new ticket which cost us RM370, we only paid the penalty and the difference of the fare price between the one bought earlier and the new fare. We ended up paying only RM164. Blessed to Allah.

We waited for another half an hour to make sure that there were no more glitches and finally left the airport at 5.30pm. My children were complaining of hunger. I was hungry myself. I only ate half a doughnut and two slices of bread that morning. So we stopped at the MEX rest area and ate there. By that time, it was already 6.30pm.

When we got home, Marsya was crying again demanding that I called Aini as she wanted to speak to her. She also went to Aini’s room and stayed there on her mattress while crying. Raqib on the other hand was giving me a hard time too. He was throwing tantrums; not wanting anyone else to entertain him except me. I was dead tired that night. And him acting like that didn’t help. So yeah, there were a few pinches and slaps courtesy of his Umi that night. Even Ibu was worried about me. She asked me to be patient and tried to help out wherever possible. I don’t know. I was just TOO tired that night.

The next day, I was still on emergency leave. Not having Aini around proved to be quite difficult. I didn’t make Marsya’s milo the way that she liked and she didn’t like the egg sandwich that I made for her to bring to school (she said yucks.. can you imagine that.. sabar jerlah), and the list went on. Well, I’ve had little practice. Give me a break. I cooked lunch, fed my kids, and made sure that the laundry was sorted out. And that was me at home on emergency leave. This morning, I made tuna sandwich for breakfast (as well as for Marsya to bring to school). But I didn’t know where her school bag was, and didn’t know where her clean socks were. So yeah, she went to school today with no socks on. So imagine, the littlest things in life, which I have never bothered to even think about before have now began to materialize.

I don’t know how I am going to go about my daily routine with Aini out of the picture. But I guess I’ll just have to deal with it in my own ways. I believe Allah will help. After all, He was the one that planned all this for me. I’m sure He has His reasons for doing this. Temporarily, I will place Raqib with my parents in Seremban. Marsya will stay in KL with me as she has school to attend to. Come school break, I will send both my children to USJ to stay with my Maksu. I will not pick them up everyday; perhaps once in 2 to 3 days, I’ll pick them up. But I don’t mind. At least USJ is closer than Seremban. Maksu asked me to send Raqib to stay with her for a week or so, but I don’t think it’s fair for Maksu. She’s in between moving from PJ to USJ. I don’t want to impose. I know for sure though that by the middle of November, she will permanently be in USJ.

So yeah, that was the turn of event that took place on my birthday. It didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted it to. Oh well, I suppose there’s a ‘hikmah’ for this. All these were planned by Allah and like I said, I suppose there are reasons as to why He planned it as such. We just have to ‘redha’… Insya Allah.

Wish me luck!

I Hear He’s Leaving

I just learned something today. A dear friend of mine is leaving. He has just tendered his resignation about a week ago or so. The thing is, I didn’t hear it from the horse’s mouth himself. I heard it from another friend. A part of me is kind of upset because I learnt the news from a third party, but another part of me felt that him not telling me was justifiable considering I haven’t been a proper friend to him for this past 3 months or so. I was sick, remember. Terrible morning sickness, not bothered to talk to anyone (people also didn’t bother to talk to me, most of them knew how I was when I am experiencing morning sickness). So, him not telling me didn’t come as a surprise.

But after I learnt that he was leaving for a better place that probably pays him more than 50% of what he’s getting now, I don’t know how to actually react. I don’t really know how to identify this feeling I have inside. I suppose, I have known all along that he was leaving. He has made it very clear to me that he is not happy with what he’s getting. And the fact that the Company compensates him poorly for all the works he does makes him even more unhappy and demotivated. He has had an offer in the past that pays him 30% more than what he’s getting now, but he rejected the offer because the Company promised to counter-offer. But unfortunately, the counter-offer wasn’t so much of a counter if you know what I mean. So he regretted his action very much. And kept on talking about the mistake of rejecting the offer. But now, he’s got a better offer on the table. And knowing the predicament he was in months ago, it’s only natural for him to accept this new offer.

Wow.. I can’t believe that he’s finally leaving. We’ve always talked about how it would be like if he were to have left. Things like who would take over his job, and will I be able to work closely with this new person. I have to admit that I am pretty close to him. It is so easy to work with him. I have always been able to get what I want contrary to what other people say of him. And now he’s leaving. I hope the person that takes over his place is as friendly as he is. Someone who is not too petty and of course easy to work with.

That is in terms of work. Personal wise, we are close too. I suppose I know a lot of stuff about him (too much sometimes, I have to admit and I don’t think I’d like to share them here), but he likes to tell me. And I am always the type that lends ears. I listen. And I give opinions and feedbacks. I suppose that’s what he wanted. In fact, that’s what anyone would want. And he has always been nice to me. An example of that was to give me a lift back home. His parents’ place is near mine. In fact, he has to pass through mine first before he can get to his parents’ place. Due to the convenience, he didn’t mind giving me a lift. So we would go home together (hence all the personal conversations because we talked all the way in the car) and him dropping off to my place before heading to his. Because of our closeness, Bie calls him my BFF short for Best Friends Forever. Friends at the office also know that we’re close. So sometimes, they would ask me to request things from him (work-wise) because they find it difficult to get anything from him. And I suppose he does give me the priority, because I always get what I ask for.

After 9 years of working closely together, he is finally leaving. It’s difficult to comprehend, but it has to happen sometime. Change is good. And I have to get that into my head. I don’t resent him for leaving. When he told me about the earlier offer (the one he rejected), I was going like, “Man..!! You’re leaving? No.. you can’t. How can you leave us? We have been a good team. Now who can I work with? I don’t want BL. She’s not friendly and is so ‘lorat’… I don’t think I can work with someone like her…”, and the remarks went on and on and on. But upon learning this recent offer, the one that he had accepted, I just couldn’t seem to have the same outburst. Somehow, I had known that he was leaving. In fact, at one point last time, I even coaxed him into looking for other jobs (he was just too upset about the offer he rejected). So yeah, I couldn’t react with the same outburst anymore. The feeling was somehow drained out of me when he received the earlier offer.

At this point in time, he doesn’t know that I know. And I don’t think I intend to tell him. I still want him to tell me the news himself. So until that time, I will just act casually, acting like as if I do not know anything. I am a good actress. So yeah, I think I can just act cool about it. We have 3 more months before he leaves. So I guess I’ll just have to make best of the 3 months up until the day he is finally gone.

Wow.. it’s so weird to say that. After all that we went through. The drive to Johor and back for launchings or workshops, the visits to Melawati Bazaar Ramadhan (last year, where he taught me to buy mercun for my children.. as if I would, so I reprimanded him for buying mercun for his kids), the differing opinions and arguments we have on world issues (social, political or religious), the Gang of Six lunches (that reminds me, I have yet to finish the scrapbook.. hhmm.. maybe I’ll finish it and give it to him as a present), the first time encounter I had with Japanese food (he loves Japanese food, and he taught me to eat Japanese food), the Subway coupon that I always nicked from him (because he doesn’t take lunch, whereas I do, so I need the coupons to go and have lunch at Subway with my Hommies), the ikan bakar lunch at belakang istana (that was also the first time for me and because I have never eaten the famous ikan bakar, he treated me for lunch there), the treat at the kari kepala ikan at Jln Kg Attap, my love for chocolate (I always nicked his chocolate if I go to his place and there happens to be chocolate there), the forever REM or Coldplay songs that he plays on his CD player (I hated that.. it was always the same songs over and over again), oohh.. and who can forget the Bali elements of his workplace (his colleague once told him to reduce the volume because she couldn’t sleep; she kept hearing the music in her head), that Bali element will be one of the things that I will miss about him – he’s just SO into it that I just don’t understand why (he said it was relaxing), the VCDs that someone mysteriously left for him on the windshield of his car (I took the VCDs and gave them to others who actually appreciate it) and of course people’s comments on his forever youthful look, despite being a father to two girls, the priceless look on his face when he first saw me with a hijab on (he was SHOCKED, coz the previous week, I got a lift from him to go back home and I was wearing a knee-length black skirt with high-heeled white wedges... hehehe).. Gosh.. I can go on and on.. I guess it really shows that I will certainly miss this guy [sigh].. oh well. Allah has made plans for him. And at the moment, it happens to be a good plan. So yeah, I am happy for him. I hope that he will be happy at his new place and not forget us here at KL Sentral.

NAS, I wish you all the best luck in the world. May you always be in the guidance of Allah SWT, Insya Allah.