This Is For YOU Aboo

Aboo, a dear friend during my PPP/ITM years, seems to be a fan of my blog (hehehehe… Boo, can I say that?). Whenever I haven’t updated my blog (which seems a lot these days), Aboo will be dropping me an email, wondering where I have been and asking why I haven’t been updating my blog. Well, Aboo, I have been VERY busy. It’s like whenever work at the office finishes, work at home begins. And it’s a full cycle. Never ending. So I am spared very little time to pen down any thought at all on my blog. Although I have to admit that I have mixed feelings of everything at the moment which needs to be unleashed, I just haven’t been able to put it down in writing. It’s all in my head, floating, not really going anywhere. Kind a sad isn’t it. Well, this is for you [hugs].

Life at the moment for me, isn’t great. But please don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love my family. And my daughter continuously on a daily basis reminds me to be thankful to Allah. She just learnt the concept of ‘bersyukur’ at her school. So she is constantly spelling it out for me. Talk about parroting the adults, well she’s good at that alright. But life is not all a bed of roses. Glitches do occur. These glitches, or testings of course come from Allah SWT. And at the moment, I haven’t been able to get rid of that gnawing feeling in my heart. It’s there, like a hidden monster under Loch Ness (exaggerating a little, I know).

Tiredness is probably the main contributing factor. Clutteredness is also another factor. Work at the office is a LOT. One after the other. I can’t really blame the boss because he himself has to answer to a bigger boss. And I seriously get what he means. But there’s just so much that an individual can do. But of course I can’t complain. I can’t show that it is a weakness. I must show that I am competent in all that I do. So whenever the boss pushes me into doing everything (I feel that now), I just made a face. Inside, I felt like drowning. Drowning in the midst of paperwork and endless meetings. As usual, it’s the end of the year. There are KPIs to be met. And it is likely as well that some of the KPIs may never be met, in view of certain circumstances. But we just need to push them anyway, hoping that the bigger boss will have mercy on us, because we have proved that we have done a lot of work in relation to achieving those KPIs. And that is tiring.

The minute I reached home, I sighed tiredly looking at the dirty clothes in the basket, cleaned clothes which need to be ironed and pressed in Aini’s room (we still call it her room even when she is no longer there – I don’t know why), and those which are still in the travelling bags (my children followed Maksu back to Taiping last week) in the living room. Unfortunately Bie didn’t even make an attempt to clear the bags and put them aside. I didn’t want to start any argument because that can be tiring as well. So I vowed that I would do it later, when I am not too tired or involved in other routine chores. This reminded me so much of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond just left his luggage on the stairs and expected Debbie to sort it out, as usual. But because Debbie was also adamant not to deal with it that time round, the luggage was left there at that same exact spot for two weeks. That scene replayed in my head MANY times. Talk about the irony of it.

Raising three children alone while still working and trying to climb the corporate ladder is also very challenging. Executive by day and Bibik/Mother/Wife by night. A very interesting career path. So kudos to all Mothers out there who have managed to achieve all with flying colours. It is not easy and I think we ought to receive recognition for it. Of course Bie helped with the children. If he wasn’t there, I think I’d be even worse.

I don’t mean to be sarcastic about the whole thing. But that is what I am feeling at the moment. It’s all mixed up like a blended baby’s food. Talking about baby food, I feel guilty for not preparing food for Hayani. I am forcing her to eat instant porridge and she hates it. The nursery told me that she doesn’t like instant porridge food. She wants rice porridge. One that I would have to cook (sigh). Oh yes, for those that do not know, I don’t send Hayani to Maksu’s in USJ anymore. It’s too far away. I waste a lot of time on the road. So I have sent her to the nearest nursery and pray to Allah that they are taking good care of her there. See, all these things contribute to the mixed feelings I have been having. And I don’t like it. To add to that, I had a scare from my son Raqib. I don’t think I even want to share it here for fear of shedding a tear. But something happened at home (big time coz Bie wasn’t around at that time and I had to face it with Marsya and Hayani, literally alone), and I was forced to send him to the hospital in a stranger’s car. Blessed the stranger. May Allah reward him for his help. I was traumatized by the incident. Still am. And I cannot think about it without the feeling of being transported back to the event and feeling like it just happened yesterday. So no, I am not going there.

I am always talking about taking a break. I am longing for it. But of course there are also other factors which are hindering me from doing that. But I really do hope for light at the end of the tunnel to appear very brightly soon. I need it. Insya Allah.

Yes, life is not great at the moment. But as a mentally-sound person, I need to take it with a pinch of salt and make the best of it. I have been doing that anyway. I don’t want to crack under pressure. It’s not healthy. Like I said, these are testings from the ultimate highest being. He wants to see how we fair under His tests. Besides, I need to ‘bersyukur’ taking the cue from my daughter because I still have a great, supportive family. Be it my nucleus family, my parents, in-laws, Maksu and Acik. They were always there for me when I need them. But of course, I have to learn to tap into them; seek help, which unfortunately is not my style unless I am VERY desperate. Oh well.

So Aboo, I’m going to stop here, for now. I do hope the above update is enough for you though. Take care, darling. Hugs and kisses.