Tired Nya…

I have welcomed Ramadhan with an open arm, but I am embarrassed to admit that I haven’t been able to focus on Ramadhan as much as I had wanted to. My time is spent on the road from Melawati to USJ and back again as there is where I am currently sending my baby. I didn’t want to. I wanted to send Hayani to a nearby Taska, but Bie wouldn’t hear of it. He is comfortable sending Hayani to my Maksu’s regardless of the distance because he feels that his daughter is well taken care of compared to sending her to a Taska next door. So he doesn’t mind the daily travelling. But I do. I think I have had it up to here (imagine sticking your hand to just above your head level) with all these daily travelling. I couldn’t have Iftar at home and am forever reaching the house at 11pm, on a daily basis. I am already up at 4.15am to prepare for sahur, and will not be sleeping until 11pm or 12am of the same day. And I am tired. The fact that I don’t go to sleep right away (cleaning the kitchen area, sorting out the kids’ clothes, etc, etc) contributes to this tiredness even further. I am also forever coughing and my antibody seems to be on the low.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I had wanted to be treated at par with the other male managers at the department, but FIVE approval papers to be done during Ramadhan is just too much, four of them being on different subject matters altogether, for different meetings i.e. development committee, board and audit committee. So at work, I strained my brain for excessive thinking (and during Ramadhan too) whereas at home, I am just physically challenged. I think my illness is caused by this tiredness. Because I was coughing non-stop, I had to go for an x-ray and a blood test just to make sure that there was no other illness or disease that can be dangerous. Even then, the doctor diagnosed me with mild bronchitis. How scary is that. And because I was sick, Hayani was also affected by the same illness. No amount of breast milk could have prevented it from affecting her because my antibody was on the low. She was admitted to the Pantai Ampang hospital last week due to bronchitis related illness. My poor baby. It’s so sad to see her little body coughing and having difficulties in breathing due to excessive phlegm in her chest cavities. Of course the phlegm had to be sucked out, so little tubes went into her mouth and nose just to serve that purpose. But Alhamdulillah that she didn’t have to be on the drip or anything; all medicines are directly fed via the baby syringe, not via needle poking into her blood veins. So at least that’s something. Alhamdulillah too as she was out the next day. I reaped the benefits as well because I got to rest at the hospital, something which I haven’t been able to do for quite a while. So I suppose, there are hikmahs why my baby was admitted.

My parents-in-laws still do not have a maid. Hence the reason why I couldn’t send my baby to their house. I don’t know what went wrong, but I seriously think there’s something wrong with the picture. But it is not my area to intrude so I shall leave that to all my brother-in-laws. But thinking about them also gives me the headache. These are tough challenges and sometimes I don’t know whether I am strong enough to face them, let alone suck them in. Whatever it is, I hope Aini comes back soon. She promised to return after Raya, but she hasn’t been giving me a call so I am wondering whether she is considering to return to Malaysia or not. Although she promised that in the event that she fails to return, her cousin will take her place, I am still skeptical of it happening at all. Will she come back? What if she doesn’t? [sigh]… I guess I’ll have to then start looking for someone new. I don’t know whether I’ll be ok to let in a stranger into my little house. We’ll just have to see, won’t we?

I am currently waiting for my presentation slides to be printed. There’s a conference in Hong Kong next month, and the bosses need to finalise the slides before the end of this week. PENATNYA…