Skeptical I May Be

It is nearly a year since Bie left his job to start doing on his own. I was heavily pregnant with Raqib at that time and was very worried that he was going to stop working the 9am to 5pm job and start on his own. He was worried as well. He was stressed. He had stubbles in his face and he rarely laughed or smiled. He was always thinking. Whenever I saw him, his face was always one of that who was thinking deep; probably thinking of what was to come if he had no fixed income. Or probably thinking whether he could make it on his own. I was very worried. We needed the money. I was in my final trimester. We needed money for the delivery, not to mention the monthly house instalment which reached to about RM1,200 each month. My salary isn’t very big. Yes I could cover groceries and other bills, but to pay the extra RM1,200 each month was something that really bugged me. But Bie went ahead and tendered his resignation. Of course he was sick before he tendered. He had the fever and was always having headaches. The fear of not getting a fixed income was getting to him, I guess.

But Allah is mighty great. About a month after he left his job, I received my bonus. I also managed to liquidate a few stocks so that I could have the cash to cover the whole family’s expenses. As for my maternity, because of the hemmorhoid operation post-delivery, my ING was able to cover the cost of my staying at the hospital and of course the operation. I was lucky there. So we managed. Cut a bit of stuff here and there, and we managed to sustain the cashflow – Alhamdulillah. Yes we couldn’t spend lavishly as we had wanted to, but we somehow managed. If I felt like eating out at fancy places, there’re always the credit cards. I just have to make sure that I don’t miss my monthly credit card payments.

During the course of Bie’s non-fixed employment, he was always running here and there, trying to secure jobs or find small time contractors to help him in doing jobs. Out of all the so-called jobs that his company was supposed to do, I only saw ONE job that gave us some returns. One very small job involving beautifying the kawasan kubur of Mont Kiara. Others gave him nothing. He received many various (possible) jobs but there are always the issues of trying to secure them, and of course mobilization fund, or what Bie usually refers to, “duit minyak”. With no mobilization fund upfront, how are you going to take up the job and do it? His partner was waiting for some funds from out of the country whereby upon the drawdown of these funds, a percentage of it will be disbursed to Bie’s company. But that talk has been around for ages, and till now, the funds are not really showing any positive signs. Luckily throughout this whole thing, we somehow managed.

So when he brought to my attention yesterday that he got a job from EPU, doing some project in Kedah, I was a bit skeptical. He was very enthusiastic though. He had wanted to let me in on it for quite a while, but he wanted to surprise me. So he was keeping quiet about it and didn’t say a word to me about this particular project.

He showed me the letter that the Kedah’s state official bestowed on his company, and that the next step was to meet the MB to get his blessings. I remained calm. In fact, nothing went in my head. I kept on thinking whether it was real or not, and whether this was just another one of his huge potential projects that up till now, none has materialized. I have become very skeptical. I wanted to be happy for him. I do. But I could not run away from the skepticism. It’s like the Jerry McGuire movie when Cuba Gooding Jr’s character asked Tom Cruise to repeat after him, “SHOW ME THE MONEY”. No money, how can one possibly be productive?

He looked at me, wanting a positive reaction. But I couldn’t. I just sat there and stared into space. How can I be enthusiastic for him when I am not able to see anything? A letter from some big hot shots meant nothing until money starts flowing in. When that happens, then can I smile, hug him and whisper words of congratulation. But right now, right at this moment, my level of enthusiasm is not at par with his so how can I possibly fake it and be happy about it.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I am happy that now he finally has something to look forward to. So he’s not reaching out for empty promises anymore. He’s going to be pretty busy for the next two weeks wanting to lay down the structure and how to go on about this. Just last night, he had a long meeting with his two other partners and two associates.

I really hope that this works. I pity seeing him running here and there. Besides, I need a break myself. I just need to rest mentally and physically. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

I pray for Bie’s success and hope that this time round, this new project that he’s working on will materialize soon.