Disappointment

Have you ever felt disappointed at a certain somebody but you can’t really say it out loud to her or his face? I know I have. Many times. But I suppressed my disappointment. I tell myself that every act done comes with a sacrifice. I am sacrificing my feelings though how hurt it may be while that somebody is also probably making similar sacrifices only I may not understand them as a sacrifice. Am I making any sense?... [sigh]

I never do like confinement period. In fact, I hate it. I feel vulnerable and sick. I can’t do much of work. I move slow and thinking about it make me depressed. The whole ‘berpantang’ ritual isn’t working for me this time round. Compared to when I had Marsya that is. And when you’re at this vulnerable place, the feeling of disappointment can quickly screw your head and you wouldn’t be able to think straight. I don’t want to call it the post-natal depression period because I don’t think I’m THAT depressed. But then again, what do I call it? The honeymoon period?

This disappointment has been with me for quite a while now. I don’t know how to say it to that somebody without either one of us getting hurt. It’s such a difficult thing to do. Do you think I should just let myself sink into this self-pity hole and consider it as a sacrifice? I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s just so frustrating sometimes.

Oh gosh, what am I rambling about... Don’t worry about it. I’m just not myself these days. Or probably it’s the lack of fresh air and sun that’s making me depressed. I can’t wait to complete my confinement period. I am so in need of a coffee and pineapple juice. And knowing Ibu, I don’t think she would allow me to have those drinks. Heck, I can’t wait to go to Starbuck or Coffee Bean soon for a cup of nice and tasty coffee. Or a black coffee at any kopitiam outlet. That would be good too.

… but why do I still feel disappointed?