When Is The Right Time To Have Another One

I received a text message last night from Sha. She is expecting. Six weeks now. I felt very happy for her. That is what she has been wanting since the last time I saw her. Besides, her son is probably two years old now, so I think that would be the perfect time to have another one. Well, for her anyway. She lost her unborn baby when it was only four months and was in a state of depression. She recovered from her depression only when she conceived another baby. And now, she’s pregnant again, for the third time.

Something in me welled up. As soon as I replied to her message, congratulating her and what naught, I looked at Marsya. Is she ready to have a brother or a sister? Marsya was asleep on my lap. She just had her milk and seemed very content. I brushed her hair to the side and looked at her perky little mouth. Then I thought, “Am I ready to be pregnant again? Am I ready to go through a period of morning sicknesses and slowly enlarging bulging tummy?”. I don’t know. What I do know is that, I am afraid. Afraid of being in that terrible state of morning sicknesses, the third trimester, the labour pain and the confinement period.

I had terrible morning sicknesses. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn’t so much of a morning sickness; it was more like a sickness throughout the day and night and that went on until my fifth month of pregnancy. Then, there was the burden of having to carry a huge stomach. My back was painful. I couldn’t walk as fast. And it got worse at the end of the third trimester. My feet were swollen and I couldn’t sleep on the side. I had to have my feet on the pillows every night while going to sleep. And waking up from the bed can be a very painful task. After that, I felt as if the lower part of my abdomen was weighing me down. I had to hold on to it for fear of it suddenly dropping. The labour pain was another thing. I was lucky to be in the labour room for two hours. BUT it was the aftermath that kept on haunting me till today. I don’t know how I did in the labour room, but I guess the pushing was a little too much and I had problems with my… you know what. Well, it was bleeding from the inside and doing the pooh-pooh thingy was excruciating. The stitch on the canal where my baby came through was also painful. Then there was the post-maternity blues. I was depressed!! I couldn’t go out. I had to eat certain type of foods only and I had to wear socks and jackets to keep myself warm. I couldn’t surf the Internet as that would strain the eyes (that’s what Ibu said lah) and that kept me even more depressed. The monthly check up at the doctor’s was the only fulfilling thing for me.

So you see, I don’t know when I should be pregnant again. Besides, previously it was just me and my dearest Bie. But now, there’s Marsya.

I went to 1-Utama on Saturday and I saw a pregnant lady, probably coming to about 7 months of her pregnancy, carrying a baby (about a year and a half) who was bawling about something. That scared me. The mother herself was heavy due to the bulging stomach, and she was carrying a full-grown baby who was crying wanting only the mother. It did give me some sort of a fright.

So, I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want another baby at this point of time. I am happy for friends who are about to have one, but me? I just don’t think so… not at this time, anyway.