My routine during the Ramadhan month is a bit tiring. Basically, I wake up at 4.30am every morning for sahur, heat up the food and lay them on the table, get Bie and my brother to wake up to eat, eat and later clear the table and wash up the dishes. After that, I will iron the clothes that I am to wear to work and shower to get ready to go to work. After I am ready, I will wake Bie up and together with our Marsya and Raqib, we will go to the car and proceed to PJ, to my Maksu’s place who is currently baby-sitting both my children.
From PJ, Bie will send me to work and my day at work begins. When the clock strikes 4.30pm, I got ready to leave the office. I need to go to Maksu’s house and help her prepare the dishes for iftar. With the baby and all, it is quite impossible for her to prepare any dish alone (Raqib likes to be held these days). After iftar and Maghrib, we will get ready to go back home. Tarawikh at the surau is far from it. We will reach the house at about 9.30pm.
Before washing myself up, I will go straight to the kitchen to prepare dishes for sahur. Usually a minimum of two dishes. If Maksu packs some food then I don’t have to prepare anymore dishes. If I’m lucky, Raqib will be fast asleep. If I’m not, I have to put Raqib to sleep first, then cook. After the baby’s asleep and the foods have all been prepared, I will wash myself, pray and get ready to go to sleep. That is if my daughter isn’t showing any tantrum and doesn’t allow me to go to sleep. And that was what happened last night.
I was in the kitchen preparing food and suddenly there was a cry in the bedroom. Marsya was having nightmares. She was crying at the top of her lungs. Raqib was asleep and I was afraid that her crying was going to wake him up. I went to her cot and tried to coax her into going back to sleep, but she pushed my hand away and kept on crying. Bie wasn’t around. He had to go to Mont Kiara for work.
Her crying got rather loud. I ignored her and went back to the kitchen. For about 20 minutes, she cried non-stop. I went to her cot again and gently told her to go back to sleep. But she would not. The crying still went on. And for no reason whatsoever, I became angry. Very angry. I had to tell myself to be patient and that she was just a little child. But her screaming got to me. And the fact that she didn’t want to stop angered me even more. So I did the unthinkable. I slapped her hard on the thigh. She stopped crying and looked at me in shock. And her cries after that were even harder and louder. I went back to kitchen muttering to myself. Obviously mad at her and mad at myself for not being able to control it.
I felt bad. I went back to the bedroom and gently asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted water. She was thirsty. I felt awful. Here was my daughter wanting water and what did she get from me? A hard slap on the thigh. My eyes were stinging and within seconds, tears were streaming down my eyes. I got her a cup of water and held on it while she drank. I kissed the crop of her hair. She seemed so helpless. Eyes puffy with all the crying. Then I placed the cup on the dressing table and hugged her tight. I picked her up and held her tight to my bosom and brought her outside in front of the TV.
On the sofa, she held on me tight, no longer crying and told me that her thigh hurt. I felt awful. She was no longer crying, instead, I was the one who was crying. I laid her on the sofa and lie next to her, hugging her, coaxing her into going back to sleep. She didn’t go back to sleep so I had to appease her. Talk to her and play with her while Sesame Street was on.
At 12 something in the morning, Bie came back. I told him that my head was hurting and I needed to sleep badly. So he asked me to go to the bedroom and sleep. Marsya was all tantrums again wanting to sleep with me, wanting me to hug her. So Bie laid her on the bed next to me, and she fell asleep hugging me.
I was so ashamed at what I did. I was dead tired but of course that was no excuse to get angry with your child and slap her… [sigh]. These are testy times for me. I pray to Allah to give me the strength to go on. I am positive that things will be better soon, Insya Allah and I vow to try not to raise my hand on my children unless I really have to and that’s to teach them between right and wrong. Not to vent anger and frustration. I pray for Allah to give me that strength. Amin.
From PJ, Bie will send me to work and my day at work begins. When the clock strikes 4.30pm, I got ready to leave the office. I need to go to Maksu’s house and help her prepare the dishes for iftar. With the baby and all, it is quite impossible for her to prepare any dish alone (Raqib likes to be held these days). After iftar and Maghrib, we will get ready to go back home. Tarawikh at the surau is far from it. We will reach the house at about 9.30pm.
Before washing myself up, I will go straight to the kitchen to prepare dishes for sahur. Usually a minimum of two dishes. If Maksu packs some food then I don’t have to prepare anymore dishes. If I’m lucky, Raqib will be fast asleep. If I’m not, I have to put Raqib to sleep first, then cook. After the baby’s asleep and the foods have all been prepared, I will wash myself, pray and get ready to go to sleep. That is if my daughter isn’t showing any tantrum and doesn’t allow me to go to sleep. And that was what happened last night.
I was in the kitchen preparing food and suddenly there was a cry in the bedroom. Marsya was having nightmares. She was crying at the top of her lungs. Raqib was asleep and I was afraid that her crying was going to wake him up. I went to her cot and tried to coax her into going back to sleep, but she pushed my hand away and kept on crying. Bie wasn’t around. He had to go to Mont Kiara for work.
Her crying got rather loud. I ignored her and went back to the kitchen. For about 20 minutes, she cried non-stop. I went to her cot again and gently told her to go back to sleep. But she would not. The crying still went on. And for no reason whatsoever, I became angry. Very angry. I had to tell myself to be patient and that she was just a little child. But her screaming got to me. And the fact that she didn’t want to stop angered me even more. So I did the unthinkable. I slapped her hard on the thigh. She stopped crying and looked at me in shock. And her cries after that were even harder and louder. I went back to kitchen muttering to myself. Obviously mad at her and mad at myself for not being able to control it.
I felt bad. I went back to the bedroom and gently asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted water. She was thirsty. I felt awful. Here was my daughter wanting water and what did she get from me? A hard slap on the thigh. My eyes were stinging and within seconds, tears were streaming down my eyes. I got her a cup of water and held on it while she drank. I kissed the crop of her hair. She seemed so helpless. Eyes puffy with all the crying. Then I placed the cup on the dressing table and hugged her tight. I picked her up and held her tight to my bosom and brought her outside in front of the TV.
On the sofa, she held on me tight, no longer crying and told me that her thigh hurt. I felt awful. She was no longer crying, instead, I was the one who was crying. I laid her on the sofa and lie next to her, hugging her, coaxing her into going back to sleep. She didn’t go back to sleep so I had to appease her. Talk to her and play with her while Sesame Street was on.
At 12 something in the morning, Bie came back. I told him that my head was hurting and I needed to sleep badly. So he asked me to go to the bedroom and sleep. Marsya was all tantrums again wanting to sleep with me, wanting me to hug her. So Bie laid her on the bed next to me, and she fell asleep hugging me.
I was so ashamed at what I did. I was dead tired but of course that was no excuse to get angry with your child and slap her… [sigh]. These are testy times for me. I pray to Allah to give me the strength to go on. I am positive that things will be better soon, Insya Allah and I vow to try not to raise my hand on my children unless I really have to and that’s to teach them between right and wrong. Not to vent anger and frustration. I pray for Allah to give me that strength. Amin.
4 comments:
*hugs*
Hugs back to you...
Insha' Allah, you will succeed to control your anger over your children's tantrums. I completely understand how you feel. Being the quite 'panas baran' in the family, it takes courage and practise to control our anger.
I think all parents have go through such times when we are too exhausted to entertain our children.
Rest assured, Marsya knows you love her. Keep showing that to her, that you love her, not so that she would forget you hit her, but so that she knows she doesn't have to scream and cry to get your attention, Insha' Allah..
Hi Pisces Man,
It's just so tiring these days. I guess with the fasting and all. But yeah, I do shower her with a lot of love. But when she is with her tantrums, I have to admit, my patience can be very thin.
Thanks.
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