What Part Don’t You Get

I keep on getting this email from this lawyer’s secretary asking whether we ought to sign the MOT form via PA or Common Seal. I mean, come on lah. You’ve been doing that for ages, and this is not the first deal that we’re using you, so fikirlah sendiri. I can’t do the thinking for you. Besides, I DON’T KNOW..!! Which part of I don’t know, don’t you understand! You’ve talked on the phone about it, and you’ve dropped an email on the same matter, and still you’re dropping me another email asking me the same matter. Seriously, dude… tak gheti bahasa ker? I don’t ‘*&$&#g know..!!

I am so mad now. And to make matters worse. Received a memo from the Group MD. He likes to drop emails now, nearly every other day. And now in two languages; what, his staff has no better work to do. First a memo in English. Next, full translation in Malay. And we pay them high salary for this?! Come on. Give me a break. Anyway, it’s about platinum holders. Those who did tremendously well last year. And I saw some faces I know. And being human, I got pissed off. It’s like, ‘ek-eleh…’ what the heck. I hate feeling like this. Does this mean that I’m no good? I am trying my best but I guess doing my best isn’t good enough. How hard is it for me to get rewarded like that? I am a full time working mom. I am also a full time wife and mother. I make breakfast for the kids and pack their food for school. I clean the kitchen, make sure the laundry is washed and folded and I take care of the kids; even to the extent of staying in the toilet with them in cases where they do number two in a public toilet. But I also want to be a thriving career woman. A woman of power at work; someone who people actually listen to. And make a difference. But somehow, I can’t do that. At work, I have to prove myself twice just to show that I am as capable as my male colleagues, and I hate that. In between doing management papers, or reviewing agreements, I have to take breaks to express milk for mybaby. Not that I’m complaining, as I truly believe in the nutrients of mothers’ milk and would go the extra mile just to ensure that my baby gets the best milk, but how can I compete with those who do not have to express milk in between work and rush home just to ensure that the kids don’t go hungry and have very late dinner? There was a time, because I had to work late (not that late – I think it was around 8.30pm or something), my kids ate dinner at 10pm. That was the time that they were supposed to be asleep. But no, I can’t use my kids or the family as a reason if something screws up in the office. It would seem unprofessional from a man’s point of view. They on the other hand, do not have to worry about that. Their wives who are home-makers by the way, takes care of the matter for them. So if a child gets sick, it is always the mother that has to take leave to care for the child at home. Man finds money, man does not stay at home. A man never worries about where to leave the kids when the parents go to work, or what clothes should be packed to cover for daytime and night-time or whether the diapers are enough for the day. It is always the mother who considers all these little nitty-gritty stuff. But at the same time, these are the mothers that want a progressive career. This is what I want. But I can’t be both. It’s just so tiring to be both. A person in a right frame of mind would sacrifice one without any thought. In my case, I don’t want to sacrifice one. I want both. But a person can never have both.

So reading the memo from the Group MD is like sticking my arms with needles. I despise it. These are people I guess who truly deserve platinum, but deep inside I compare. Compare myself with those colleagues of mine. What if the situation is reversed and that they take care of the kids and make sure that there is always order at home. Will they be able to juggle it? I doubt it. But here they are, being recognized as platinum holders, and rejoiced throughout the Group. As if…