Eyes Puffy

I seriously thought that Raqib would stay with me for the whole of this week and next. I was planning to send him to my in-laws, so that he’ll no longer be in Seremban. I can’t bear to be far away from him. I love him too much. Hearing him talk on the phone is just not enough. It is not the same as hugging him or cuddling him to sleep. So when my parents brought him home this weekend, I thought he was going to stay with me. There was no way that he would be coaxed into leaving for Seremban with my parents. Besides, whenever my parents brought up the subject of going back to Seremban with them, he would say, “Adik nak duduk rumah Adik”, meaning, he wants to stay at home, with his Umi, Abi and Kak Long.

So yesterday, I invited my parents-in-law for lunch. My parents were at home and I thought what better way to get them close. So I cooked Egg Curry (Bak’s favourite dish.. I don’t know why, but he likes it very much), Prawn Sambal, Fried Mixed Vegetables and Fried Fish with Sambal. They came, they ate, they talked with my parents and not long after that, they took their leave. Before leaving, I asked Bie to ask his parents whether we can put Raqib at their place for the weekdays. It will only be from morning till 6.30pm or so, until I get back from work. Mak was ok but was expecting my dearest Bie to be around the house in the morning. And I know that Bie couldn’t do that. Though his timing is flexible, there are times when he couldn’t be around. And considering Mak wasn’t well as well, she was recovering from a fever, I knew that she couldn’t take care of Raqib. Marsya’s fine because she can basically take care of herself. But Raqib needs looking after.

So my parents talked to Raqib yesterday and sweet-talked him into going back to Seremban with them. At first he was hesitant. He didn’t say anything, didn’t show any feedback or response. But then, he suddenly asked for his bag (where I packed his clothes) and agreed to go back to Seremban. I was devastated. I wanted him to stay with me. But I know I didn’t have a choice. So I asked him again, whether he really wanted to go back to Seremban with his Atuk and Uwan. And he said yes. Then he hugged and kissed me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my face. This would mean that I have to be apart from him, again. I had plans. I had wanted to take him out to dinner. I didn’t want to be with just Marsya. I wanted both my children to be out at that dinner. Besides, I was going to be on leave this Thursday. Marsya has her test for that eligibility to Standard One before the age of seven. So I am all there for Raqib. So him going back to Seremban with my parents was not what I wanted.

I changed his clothes and bathed him. We played bubbles (it’s our favourite game whenever I bathe him) and I was creating as many bubbles that I could and stuck them to his hands and arms. He was screaming with delight in the bathroom. After the shower, I put on some clean clothes on him and hugged him close to me. He returned the hug, tightly.

I put on my hijab so that I could take him downstairs; to send him off. I was already crying. I couldn’t help it. I was just so sad. At the lobby, I held him close and kissed his face many times. He looked at me and said, “Umi jangan nangis yer”. Imagine my three year-old telling me not to cry. That made me cry even more. Even Bie who was standing nearby was emotionally affected. I opened the car door and coaxed him to go inside the car. He looked at me, with glistening eyes. But he didn’t cry. Then I waved him goodbye. He stood on the car seat and waved us goodbye until we were no longer in sight. I entered into the lift and cried. Like a little child who just lost her favourite doll. Marsya was also crying. I hugged her and we cried together.

I think I cried for nearly an hour. Bie didn’t say anything to me. He just gave me space. He was never the type that consoles. I guess he just didn’t know how. My eyes were puffy. My nose was big and red. I was a mess. I stopped for Asar and cried again just before I perform my prayers. I was just devastated. I was sad. I called Ibu just to find out how he was doing. Ibu said he didn’t cry. But he looked very sad. He just kept quiet and stared out the window. His eyes were teary but the tears didn’t fall. Later, he just went to sleep. He slept all the way to Seremban. I think Ibu was also crying. She was crying because she was sad for both me and Raqib. She is a mother. Of course she would know. And she is MY mother. Of course she would know. She told me not to be sad, and not to cry because Raqib would feel my sadness and cry too. The bond between a child and a mother, especially one that breastfeeds, is very strong. So she asked me to control my sadness, for Raqib’s sake.

So yeah, I am now counting the days for Friday where I can finally go back to Seremban to see my son. I told Bie last night that I wish tomorrow was a Friday. So he suggested that we go back to Seremban on Thursday, after Marsya’s test. So Marsya will not go to school on Friday (ponteng lah) and I would have to go to work from Seremban. The suggestion reassured me a bit. So yeah, now I am counting for Thursday to come. Three more nights in KL, then off I am to Seremban. I can’t wait.

The challenges of a working mom… [sigh]…