It’s Been Ages

Hi all. It truly has been ages since I have updated anything here. I wonder why? Well, first and foremost, I am just not up for it. I don’t have the mood. I have not been well since the end of June 2010, and now, though I am still not that well, I have been making recovery. Slowly, but recovering nonetheless.

It all started in the third week of June. I bought the usual pregnancy test kit at the local pharmacy store. I was late for 10 days. It was nothing unusual. Since the few months before that, I have been late for more than a week, on few occasions. But this delay was a bit different because suddenly I could feel my sense of smell becoming acutely sensitive. The smell of oil being fried was a testimony to that, and I didn’t like the smell. So I thought, why not take the test.

So before taking my shower the next morning, I took the test. I waited for about 4 minutes and imagine my surprise when I saw 2 red lines. “Oh Allah.. is this true? Am I pregnant?”. I was excited. I have been trying for a few months before that. But I guess due to work pressures and all, somehow there was no luck. But with the test results at hand, I suppose I couldn’t dispute it, unless of course I went to see my gynecologist to confirm my finding, which I didn’t feeli like doing unless I was really sick.

I think I said too soon. Three days after I took the test, I started to become nauseous. I started to dislike cooking smells. And I couldn’t cook. I asked my maid to cook, but I couldn’t eat what she prepared. The smell was too overpowering. I began to lose my appetite. I couldn’t eat. I began to drink less water. I couldn’t stand the taste of plain water. I tried to take juice but the after-taste of it was just something I couldn’t take. I became weak. I wasn’t eating nor was I drinking any fluid. I tried to take some fruits. Like apples or oranges, but I couldn’t hold them in my stomach for long. Within an hour, it all came back out. Rather than run to the bathroom to vomit, I had a special bucket at my side to throw up.

I was in bed most of the time. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t entertain my kids. I told my maid to stop the kids from entering the room because I couldn’t handle them. Furthermore, they somehow have a distinctive smell about them. The smell of sweat, saliva and yesterday’s food, I couldn’t stand them. Thus began the day I stopped hugging and kissing them… [sigh].. those poor children. I felt like I was a neglecting mother (I did neglect them.. luckily my maid was around). My maid taught Marsya and Raqib that I was not well and that they shouldn’t disturb me. Marsya understood, but Raqib was finding it difficult to understand. I mean, he’s only three years old. What does he know. So my maid resorted to something which I myself disliked, but it had to be done… she locked my bedroom door so that the kids couldn’t enter. It was something that I found very difficult to accept, but I had no choice. I could still remember Raqib banging on the door, crying, calling for me, wanting to enter the room. It was quite terrible.

Because of my weakness, I had no choice but to see my gynecologist sooner than I intended. She confirmed that I was pregnant, but she also said that I was severely dehydrated and advised that I be hospitalized for drips. I told her rather than stay at the hospital, I’d rather stay just during the day and have the saline dripped into me there and then. So the next day, I came back to the hospital and had 3 bottles of saline dripped into my body. My gynecologist wanted to see me the following week for further observation. I did, and as she suspected, no improvement. And she insisted that I be hospitalized so that I could be monitored. I dreaded it. I really did. But I myself had a huge suspect that I was going to be hospitalized. So on 13th July 2010, I was hospitalized for 3 days and 2 nights. My poor children came to visit and cried each time they had to leave. It broke my heart. But I didn’t have a choice. I was weak like a sack of potatoes. I didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone. I had been on medical leave for 3 weeks (luckily I had a very understanding boss); all I know is that I had to get better. My gynecologist still wanted to see me the following week, and I did. I was still dehydrated, and was losing weight fast. She didn’t know what to do. All she knew was to put more drips into me. So the next day, I went to the hospital again and stayed during the day for the saline water to be dripped into me. 3 bottles were utilised. Upon returning from the hospital that day, I knew that I was still going to be unwell. I was right. The minute I got home, I threw up… again.

So yes, July was the worst. I was not in the position to get out of bed at all. I was forever in bed, feeling very weak, refusing to eat or drink. It was terrible. Alhamdulillah, in August (though I was still occasionally on medical leave), I began to eat. There was no appetite for luxurious food. I still don’t have any of that yet (till today, though I hope I would be recovering soon), but I have begun to eat bread. So it’s wholemeal bread for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner, with slices of cheese or hot milo. That was all that I could eat. My fruit is guava. The only fruit I could eat. As for drinks, a colleague of mine introduced me to this type of zam-zam mineral water that was supposed to give energy especially for people who are fasting (Ramadhan was approaching). He thought it would be good for me, so he dropped a few drops into my water. I liked the taste. The water didn’t taste as bad. So yeah, I have been dropping a few drops of the zam-zam mineral water in my drinks till to-date. And it has been doing me good, Alhamdulillah for that. August was such an improvement compared to July.

Ayah has also been calling me nearly everyday to determine whether I have started taking rice or not. Yes it is endearing that he calls everyday to check how I was doing, but at times it was all just too much. There were times, when I was just too sick, I refused to pick up calls from everyone, including Ayah. Poor Bie, he had to become my secretary to explain why I didn’t pick up calls.

Anyway, last weekend, which happened to be the final week of August, I went back to Seremban. Acik and Maksu were there. There was supposed to be an Iftar gathering at Acik’s house. I went back all the same for the sake of my kids. They haven’t been seeing people for the past weeks. Blame it on their Umi. Ibu was also telling me to go back, saying, “Campur sikit dengan orang. Asyik terperap duduk dalam bilik jer”, roughly translated, “mix with society will you. Don’t just stay in your room”. So yeah, I had no choice but to go to Acik’s house for the Iftar gathering. I didn’t really like to go to Acik’s house if I was having morning sickness. You see, her house has this ventilation problem. Or, was it just my nose. Anyway, I refused to enter the house until they all broke fast. But because there were a lot of mosquitoes outside (huge ones which looked quite deadly), I finally entered the house and walked straight to the dinner table, holding my breath as I tried not to look at the food.

I was uncomfortable. Everyone was eating. I tried to focus on the watermelon on the table, and took a few slices. By that time, everyone was nearly finishing. Then I caught sight of a yellow dish on the table. It was Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Tempe. I found out that Acik was the one who cooked it, and she makes really nice masak lemak cili api. Somehow, I could distinguish the smell of the gulai from all the other dishes on the table. I asked for a bowl, and a bit of rice. I wanted to try the gulai. I took a small spoonful of rice with the coconut-flavoured gulai as my sauce and put it in my mouth. I swallowed it. I didn’t feel the urge to throw up or anything. I tried a second spoon. Same effect, no gagging to throw up. And without I realize it, I have finished the rice in the bowl. The gulai was good. I liked it. And that was my first experience of eating rice, after more than 2 months not touching a single grain of rice.

I am now 14 weeks, in other words, 3 and half months into my pregnancy. By Syawal, I should be in my 15th week. I am so looking forward to my 20th week. Still a long way to go. So yes, I am counting the days and weeks because based on my experience, by my 20th week, I’ll be so much better. In fact, probably back to my healthy self, except of course with a bigger tummy. At the moment, there is a tummy, but it is very small. I can still fit into my old clothes. In fact, I am wearing clothes that I bought before I got married nearly 8 years ago. I now weigh 53kg; that’s about 6-7kg drop from my pre-pregnant days, and in just over 2 months. I have to admit that I like being slim like this, but the fact that I also look unhealthy; I don’t think I want to look like this. Even the nurse at the hospital thought that I just gave birth when for actual fact, I am pregnant.

This weekend, Ibu is coming to KL to bring me Masak Lemak Cili Api Gulai Bacang dengan Ikan Tenggiri. I asked her to put extra coconut milk and hope that the bacang is sour. And yeah, I am kind of looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading. I know it’s quite long compared to my normal entry, but I just wanted to share with the rest of the world of how I am at the moment. Please pray for my well-being, and also for the baby that I’m carrying to be in good health.

Happy Eid-ul Fitr everyone!