I had a meaningful conversation with Ibu last few weeks. For the first time ever, she revealed to me something that has been close to her heart for many, many years. She has mentioned it in the past but I never really thought of it being something that she sees as a milestone in her life. Until several weekends ago.
I asked her what her opinion was on married women having affairs. The issue came to mind because I witnessed something of that manner in a friend at work. My colleague is a beautiful woman, married with five kids. Her husband seems like a nice man, who works in the academic line. But little does her husband knows, she is having an affair with another man (a single, young man) outside of her marriage. Some of us know, some of us don’t. And I was really trying to understand on why she did it. Of course I couldn’t come to her with my question because I am not really that close to her, so I asked another woman who has a lot of wisdom having learned them throughout her life. My mother, Ibu.
She told me not to give in to all those urges. It is bad and should not be done. But I told her that I was curious. Is is it because these women are bored with their lives, but couldn’t leave their husbands because they still love them... you know, those types of questions. And having said that, she shared with me a story.
She was a woman in her early thirties. She has three young kids and was content with life. One day, she woke up sweating. She had a dream of her old flame; the one true flame that she was in love with before she met her husband. She was confused and didn’t know what to do. From that day onwards, she kept on thinking about the old flame. She was contemplating on whether she should call him and meet up with him for coffee. The idea was in her head for a few days, but she never shared it with anyone. Who could she share it with? One day, she mustered the courage to call her old flame. He wasn’t home. But she left a message for him. Not long after, she received a call from him.
She was happy. He was happy. Both were married. But they talked like as if they were still young, in their early 20s. It was like as if they hadn’t aged at all. He told her that he missed her. She tried to control her feelings and told him casually that she was happy with life and that she has three kids. After updating one another on what has been happening, he talked about his feelings for her. He told her that he still loved her and wanted to meet up with her. She kept her cool and told him that she has a husband and loved the husband very much. He didn’t believe her and coaxed her into seeing him. She refused and told him that it would be best if they did not see each other, and that a phone call was just as sufficient. He was disappointed.
After she put the phone down, she cried. She so badly wanted to see him but she knew that if she relented to him, things which happen next were beyond her control and that was something that she couldn’t afford to happen. She loved her husband and her children. She did not want to betray them. But there was something missing inside her. She longed for that feeling; the feeling of being loved by that one true love.
They talked again on the phone and she told him that she was going to the UK for the next 3 to 5 years as her husband was continuing his studies. And the reason why she wanted to talk to him was that there was no way knowing whether she would ever see him or talk to him again. Again he coaxed into seeing her. Again she turned him down. Again she cried herself to sleep at night.
The day finally came. Clothes were packed. Dried foods were packed. The children were chattering happily with their cousins. The grandparents were sad at the thought of not seeing the children every day. The husband was busy doing the last minute checking of the passports and documents. She looked at him from afar. This was the man she married. How could she have thought of another man when she was actually married to a great man. A man who would make a difference in her life. A man who loved her unconditionally. She lowered her eyes and sighed. This was her life. Allah had reasons for paving such life for her, and little did she know, she was grateful. She was thankful that she has a wonderful husband, and great children. And she treasured her family. She smiled and all thoughts of the old flame were history. It was just not meant to be.
These days, she does think back about her old flame, but never in the same feelings she had about 25 years ago. She was grateful to Allah that she was strong back then to resist temptation, knowing that if she had done it, she would regret it for the rest of her life. She loves her husband dearly, and I know for sure that Ayah loves her very much too. They always share their food whenever they eat out, and Ayah always buys her gifts. They always joke around, and are always smiling. I am thankful for that and feel blessed as I am their daughter.
Ibu’s story made me think. It is indeed a lesson well learnt. No good will come out of it. The happiness from the affair is only momentary. The repercussions are even more difficult to bear. I hope this friend of mine realizes this before it’s too late. In fact, I think WE ALL should always be mindful and be on a lookout for one another. And of course, never forget to pray to Him, for only Him can help us in such situations.
I asked her what her opinion was on married women having affairs. The issue came to mind because I witnessed something of that manner in a friend at work. My colleague is a beautiful woman, married with five kids. Her husband seems like a nice man, who works in the academic line. But little does her husband knows, she is having an affair with another man (a single, young man) outside of her marriage. Some of us know, some of us don’t. And I was really trying to understand on why she did it. Of course I couldn’t come to her with my question because I am not really that close to her, so I asked another woman who has a lot of wisdom having learned them throughout her life. My mother, Ibu.
She told me not to give in to all those urges. It is bad and should not be done. But I told her that I was curious. Is is it because these women are bored with their lives, but couldn’t leave their husbands because they still love them... you know, those types of questions. And having said that, she shared with me a story.
She was a woman in her early thirties. She has three young kids and was content with life. One day, she woke up sweating. She had a dream of her old flame; the one true flame that she was in love with before she met her husband. She was confused and didn’t know what to do. From that day onwards, she kept on thinking about the old flame. She was contemplating on whether she should call him and meet up with him for coffee. The idea was in her head for a few days, but she never shared it with anyone. Who could she share it with? One day, she mustered the courage to call her old flame. He wasn’t home. But she left a message for him. Not long after, she received a call from him.
She was happy. He was happy. Both were married. But they talked like as if they were still young, in their early 20s. It was like as if they hadn’t aged at all. He told her that he missed her. She tried to control her feelings and told him casually that she was happy with life and that she has three kids. After updating one another on what has been happening, he talked about his feelings for her. He told her that he still loved her and wanted to meet up with her. She kept her cool and told him that she has a husband and loved the husband very much. He didn’t believe her and coaxed her into seeing him. She refused and told him that it would be best if they did not see each other, and that a phone call was just as sufficient. He was disappointed.
After she put the phone down, she cried. She so badly wanted to see him but she knew that if she relented to him, things which happen next were beyond her control and that was something that she couldn’t afford to happen. She loved her husband and her children. She did not want to betray them. But there was something missing inside her. She longed for that feeling; the feeling of being loved by that one true love.
They talked again on the phone and she told him that she was going to the UK for the next 3 to 5 years as her husband was continuing his studies. And the reason why she wanted to talk to him was that there was no way knowing whether she would ever see him or talk to him again. Again he coaxed into seeing her. Again she turned him down. Again she cried herself to sleep at night.
The day finally came. Clothes were packed. Dried foods were packed. The children were chattering happily with their cousins. The grandparents were sad at the thought of not seeing the children every day. The husband was busy doing the last minute checking of the passports and documents. She looked at him from afar. This was the man she married. How could she have thought of another man when she was actually married to a great man. A man who would make a difference in her life. A man who loved her unconditionally. She lowered her eyes and sighed. This was her life. Allah had reasons for paving such life for her, and little did she know, she was grateful. She was thankful that she has a wonderful husband, and great children. And she treasured her family. She smiled and all thoughts of the old flame were history. It was just not meant to be.
These days, she does think back about her old flame, but never in the same feelings she had about 25 years ago. She was grateful to Allah that she was strong back then to resist temptation, knowing that if she had done it, she would regret it for the rest of her life. She loves her husband dearly, and I know for sure that Ayah loves her very much too. They always share their food whenever they eat out, and Ayah always buys her gifts. They always joke around, and are always smiling. I am thankful for that and feel blessed as I am their daughter.
Ibu’s story made me think. It is indeed a lesson well learnt. No good will come out of it. The happiness from the affair is only momentary. The repercussions are even more difficult to bear. I hope this friend of mine realizes this before it’s too late. In fact, I think WE ALL should always be mindful and be on a lookout for one another. And of course, never forget to pray to Him, for only Him can help us in such situations.
2 comments:
It so happened that the forbidden fruit could taste better than all in the heaven's offerings an bounties.
Such is a great temptation and living in sins and lies wont promise u a peaceful mind even if we prolly wanna spite our partner or that he/she lacks in the certain aspects that matters to us more. I think la if one cannot establish a good communication with their partner, perhaps they shud try seeking a marriage counselor together. Or watch "Desperate Housewives". Or be more practical. Or think about death.
I too had this thought that what if my future husband cannot be all that i had wanted? I should settle for what he is unless he's totally doing my head in. And a partner should bring out the best in his/hers and be more patient. For eg, sometimes suami nih masih lembab2 nak paham, or sometimes wife ni missed doing something that she couldnt do with her husband. Thats why its always wonderful to have friends, be it males and females too so we could talk on other things that we may not really share with our partner. And having a lembut fella (that is not too lembut but doesnt do girls) is also good too sbb diorg ni lagi sympathizing and funny.
The concept: "For better or worse" should be a good reminder as to what are we marrying into. And thats also why Allah halalkan talaq when the couple no longer find any common ground as a husband and wife.
Hhmm.. forbidden fruits are always the best, ain't it? It's a huge challenge lah this one, and if tak kuat iman and all, memang mudah ter-influence with these temptations.
We're not perfect, Manal. So if there are certain things that our husbands do not meet our criteria, there may be things that we don't meet their criteria in their eyes. So I guess, we need to compromise lah kot. But yes, I agree that communication IS the best medicine.
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