Lately, my mind is a bit muddled. There are just so many things to think about and do, but so little time to actually do it. So many stuffs have been happening lately. My brother is getting married end of this month. His wedding preparation is still ongoing and I have Acik to thank that for. Outstanding matters include lucky draw hampers (yeah, Ayah wants to draw out presents for those who have been helping out), bunga telur, bunga manggar, barang hantaran, curtains and decorations in the bilik pengantin and pelamin. The cameraman has already been booked, but we don’t have a video cameraman. My brother’s friend is offering to help out. Well, at least we can save a bit on that. Being me of course, I will personally ensure that the relevant people are interviewed. The wedding invitation cards are ready in the nick of time. And my brother should be sending them out this week. Hopefully. Even that, my brother spotted a last minute error on the card. But because it was negligible, he’s prepared to close one eye to it. So yeah, it’s a bit chaotic these days. After all, we only have about a month left.
Apart from this wedding preparation, my mind is also tired thinking of other things. Delicate things if not sorted may lead to problems later. Frankly, I don’t know how to deal with it. I think I’m doing the right thing, and so does everybody else, but by the end of the day, what I am doing is seen as a terrible thing and should be stopped at once. Was it that bad? I am doing this after all for love. Is it wrong? These days, I just don’t know whether I am in the right or in the wrong. I pray to Allah to give me the courage to go on. So far, it’s been alright. But sometimes, the toll of it is just overwhelming that I felt like letting go and not bother about it anymore. What’s the point of reaching out to someone if he doesn’t want to be rescued? It’s tiring to think about it. It actually gives me headache. But if I don’t do something about it, goodness knows what will happen. The stronger ones will always override the weaker ones.
I sometimes see myself as the strongest of the lot. But even my strength has its limit. I can’t forever be everyone’s pillar. Not to mention that I have kids who are counting on me. They look up to me for support, love and strength. And Raqib, well… he sees me as a walking milk bottle. Always snuggling and reaching for you know what, whenever he has the chance. I am their pillar. But now, I have to be everyone’s pillar. At first it was alright, but these days, I think the pillar is going to crack and fall to the ground. Seems like an interesting notion but rationally speaking, it is not something that I would like. If the pillar falls, goodness, I’d hate to imagine the consequences. But then again, maybe I should just let the pillar crumble to the ground. Then they wouldn’t look up for me as their pillar anymore, then I would be free… [sigh]… it’s so confusing and tiring.
What do I do? Do I just ignore? I think there’s a clear sign of distress here, but like I said, if the person in distress does not want to be rescued, why should I take the trouble of rescuing? Ignore is probably the best thing. In the interim. Though how difficult it is to do so, I will just have to learn to ignore. Concentrate on other things that matter. Maybe I should do that. They say that ignorance is bliss, but in my case, I just don’t know. The act of ignoring may seem rather selfish at the moment. But to save my mind from being dragged down further to goodness knows where, it may just be the right thing to do.
Apart from this wedding preparation, my mind is also tired thinking of other things. Delicate things if not sorted may lead to problems later. Frankly, I don’t know how to deal with it. I think I’m doing the right thing, and so does everybody else, but by the end of the day, what I am doing is seen as a terrible thing and should be stopped at once. Was it that bad? I am doing this after all for love. Is it wrong? These days, I just don’t know whether I am in the right or in the wrong. I pray to Allah to give me the courage to go on. So far, it’s been alright. But sometimes, the toll of it is just overwhelming that I felt like letting go and not bother about it anymore. What’s the point of reaching out to someone if he doesn’t want to be rescued? It’s tiring to think about it. It actually gives me headache. But if I don’t do something about it, goodness knows what will happen. The stronger ones will always override the weaker ones.
I sometimes see myself as the strongest of the lot. But even my strength has its limit. I can’t forever be everyone’s pillar. Not to mention that I have kids who are counting on me. They look up to me for support, love and strength. And Raqib, well… he sees me as a walking milk bottle. Always snuggling and reaching for you know what, whenever he has the chance. I am their pillar. But now, I have to be everyone’s pillar. At first it was alright, but these days, I think the pillar is going to crack and fall to the ground. Seems like an interesting notion but rationally speaking, it is not something that I would like. If the pillar falls, goodness, I’d hate to imagine the consequences. But then again, maybe I should just let the pillar crumble to the ground. Then they wouldn’t look up for me as their pillar anymore, then I would be free… [sigh]… it’s so confusing and tiring.
What do I do? Do I just ignore? I think there’s a clear sign of distress here, but like I said, if the person in distress does not want to be rescued, why should I take the trouble of rescuing? Ignore is probably the best thing. In the interim. Though how difficult it is to do so, I will just have to learn to ignore. Concentrate on other things that matter. Maybe I should do that. They say that ignorance is bliss, but in my case, I just don’t know. The act of ignoring may seem rather selfish at the moment. But to save my mind from being dragged down further to goodness knows where, it may just be the right thing to do.
3 comments:
Eh, u become pillar to society la pulak, sure less headaches.. hehe, just kidding..
R u referring to the one getting married when you mention about someone need rescuing?
Is it because u r the only sister in the family? I dunno and cant presume on whats really going on but i think the point here is about your strong presence in the "chaotic" situation and how u r very much relied on from every angle.
Serba salah pon yea, i think...
Kalau tak tolong sgt, orang kata, tolong pon byk comment....
The best is use your kids as one of the best excuses whenever u need some time off. And sambil2 tu continue busying yourself with whichever u think u can handle/manage.
There would come one time when u might want to say: I told u so....
Pisces Man,
When you're the eldest in the family, everyone's problem becomes your problem. You don't really have much of a choice. And that includes anyone who's anyone that needs rescuing. Oh well...
Manal,
Yes Manal, in some ways or the other, you are right. Being the eldest does has its flaws. People rely on you.. sometimes a little too much. They forget that you're married and have kids. Sometimes I have to remind them that I've got kids to attend to. Tiring betul lah..
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