Need Time For Myself

Life has been a little stressed lately. The thing is, I don’t know where the stress is. It could be work-related. Bits and pieces of it could be from family stuff. But largely, it’s basically me. I am personally stressed. I am tired. Marsya is a little lasak these days. Last Sunday, she fell down and tore her lower lip. She was running and as those little feet are still unable to properly balance, she fell. There was surprisingly a lot of blood. My dearest Bie’s shirt was smeared with her blood. I was a little shaken coz that sort of thing has never happened to her before. And that night, when she was sleeping, as she still breastfeeds, she bit my nipple quite hard in comparison with previous biting and it bled, quite profusely, I may add. I had to place a tissue on it to prevent the blood from dripping and smearing on my night shirt. And the subsequent breastfeeding was REALLY painful. Tension sangat whenever she asks for her milk. But, I guess that’s a sacrifice I have to make to ensure that my daughter breastfeeds until the age of two, Insya Allah.

Bie has been rather busy lately. His work commitments have resulted in him staying at work late. Now that he’s heading the pond team, he is busier than ever. I hoped that the management gives him the appropriate perks and benefits considering that now he’s heading pond. But hampeh. Nothing. His salary remains the same, but his responsibilities have widened. I hate that. Whenever I mention the issue to him, his reply would be, “Biarlah. I need to achieve this target first. And when I can do that, at least I have a strong point to argue when discussing salary revisions and benefits”. So, he continues to come home late. Working on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. Then there were the frequent trips to Tronoh, Perak. But I’m glad that’s finished now. During his free time, at least once a week, he would be playing futsal. Something he does to release the stress and tension. Something which I haven’t been able to do. I wanted to go away. Take about three to four of my annual leave and stay at a resort or a hotel. I had wanted to go to Awana Kijal in July. But Bie said he’s busy and that we should wait until his works are settled. At this rate, I don’t know when it’s going to be settled.

I am tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s taking care of Marsya. I know Bie does too, but most of the time, it would be me. Whenever we go out, I would be the one ensuring that Marsya is fed before I feed myself. Bie would eat heartily. Well, he does volunteer to take care of Marsya while I eat, but it’s always after he has finished eaten. I don’t mean to be macam bagus here, but whenever he asked to take care of Marsya while I eat, I always brush him off, suggesting a scenario that I am well capable of taking care of Marsya while eating at the same time. When for actual fact, I was screaming inside telling him that why not YOU feed Marsya while I eat. I haven’t had the luxury to eat comfortably in a long time. Unless it’s just me and him, without Marsya. And my daughter pulak does not know how to sit quietly. She gets bored easily. So not long after, she would be climbing out of the baby chair trying to stand up, or she would sit at the narrow ledge of the baby chair, or she refuses to sit in the baby chair at all. On my lap she would be sticking her tiny fingers in my food or placing a bowl of rice on her head, leaving traces of rice in her hair. It’s tiring having dinner with the family.

I did ask Bie whether he’s ready for another baby, and he said, “It’s up to you coz you will be the one carrying the baby for nine months. Are you ready for that?” to which I just kept quiet. I think I’m ready to carry the baby for nine months, but I don’t think I can handle two babies i.e. a toddler and a baby, at the same time without getting major help from a husband. If my dearest Bie knows this, of course he will refute this. I have to admit that, he does help in other ways but when I am just too tired, I always see him as a person who’s not helping much around the house. How selfish is that, eh? I never clean the bathrooms or mop and sweep the floors or use the vacuum cleaner (in fact, I don’t even know how to). I guess both of us complement each other. But being me, I just wish sometimes that he pays more attention to helping me sorting out our daughter (baru sorang tu)… [sigh]… I need a break. I need time for myself.

I have been thinking of pampering myself for a day. In fact, Bie encourages it too. He suggested that I act like as if I go to work as usual, but rather than go straight to the office after I sent Marsya to Maksu’s, I should go somewhere else. I am contemplating on doing that. Watch a movie perhaps, go to a spa, do a hair treatment and be a couch potato and watch TV all day. Later in the evening, go fetch Marsya. It sounds really good. But biler hah? Hhmm… will have to set a day for this, maybe next Friday? Hhhmmm… interesting.