Weird Feeling

Previously I posted an entry about having a stupid argument with a friend at the Putrajaya Mosque. Well, due to recent events where I feel that I ought to reflect on myself, (not to mention a continuous persistence from a friend), I sent him a text message apologizing for the event that took place. I know I was at fault and that I was too egoistic to admit otherwise.

Me : Hi. Still mad at me? Sorry for any hurt that I caused. It was truly my fault. I understand if you’re still angry but I hope we can start all over.

Him : I was mad? Bila?

Me : Please lah. Back in March dulu. Mad and maybe more to disappointment. Whatever it is, I am sorry ok.

Him : I wasn’t mad at you… no, not at all.

Me : Whatever you felt back then is highly regretted. But I hope we’re ok.

Him : I can’t stay mad at you dear, I love you too much…

Me : [Hah? Is this guy for real…?] Are you saying that to make me feel even more guilty? You’re not playing with me? I’m thankful that you can’t stay mad at me for long though. Thank you so much…

He didn’t reply to my last text message.

I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the last text message he sent me. I love you too much..?? What’s that supposed to mean? I have known him for more than 10 years now and never throughout the entire friendship has he ever uttered a single word reflecting love, sayang or care towards me. He always makes remarks that sometimes make me want to tear his eyes out. Well, metaphorically. Even another friend thought that he’s too macho to say such words to anyone.

But yes, I have to admit that over the years, he has grown mature so I never feel like tearing his eyes out anymore, but he always has this smug on his face whenever we talked about something. It’s like as if he’s saying, “I know you too well, Ija”. Well why shouldn’t he. He has known me for 12 years now. But then, I’m an open book. Everybody knows me too well for my liking.

It made me think back on the past relationship I had with him. We were never a couple. Never. I was always his close friend. Should he have feelings for me in the past, I don’t know, as he had never made it clear on whether he had feelings for me or not. I do know that he was romantically involved with a girl called S. He introduced me to S and when S ditched him, he tried to win her back. But to no avail. S is married now, so I’ve heard. So there was never a moment that he could have had affections for me unless of course as a friend. He better have affections for me as his friend. Yes he asked me to go to trips with him and explored Europe at his expense, and then there were the occasional gifts. But I always take it that he did that coz I’m his close friend. I mean, he never said anything about loving me be it before I got to know my dearest Bie or before I got married.

But I do remember him being upset when I got engaged to Bie. He didn’t call me for about three months. I merely thought that he was upset coz I didn’t tell him first that I was getting engaged. I mean, I had a lot of other friends as well, especially my girlfriends so it’s only natural that I tell them first.

And he also has given me vibes in the past that he thought I was somewhat special, but they were only vibes. I don’t take hints. You want me, you tell me upfront. Even if you give a million hints, I wouldn’t bother as they’re only hints. Bie went straight to the point. He liked me back then, he went ahead and told me.

[Sigh] I guess he loves me because we’re such close friends. In fact, looking at it now, it’s probably nothing. Maybe I am being perasan only. Oh well… but it’s nice to know that somewhere out there, a friend loves me.